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Cooking By Myself

8/25/2015

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This statement isn't entirely true. I had two guests in the kitchen. Miss Sara Bellum and the Mayor, but they were more observers then sous chefs. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

It was a Tuesday. The irony was noted and the twins and I got together to make food. The previous Saturday we had stopped by the library after seeing Mad Max: Fury Road. I got a string of books and as usual I was dredging up that I had nothing to write about for Tasty Tuesday. Miss Sara Bellum said to me. Get a cookbook. Make something.
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The heavens deposited Suzanne Somer's The Sexy Forever Recipe Bible into my hands. As my mother said to me when I brought the book home. “I never thought she was that sexy to begin with.”  
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The twins were undecided as to whether she was one of the leggy blondes on Baywatch or Charlie's Angels. They were mistaking Suzanne Somers for Pamela Anderson and Farrah Fawcett respectively. Off the top of my head I didn't remember her show, but I knew they were wrong. If your trying to place her face your thinking about Three's Company and Step By Step. I had to google it. Feel no shame if you didn't know that information.
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Farrah Fawcett
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Pamela Anderson
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Suzanne Somers
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Now in true twin fashion they were completely on time. They were supposed to arrive around 6:00. I expected them about 6:15. They called. They were in traffic. They would be there at 6:45. 7:15 rolls around and the door bell finally rings. They were perfectly on time.

No part of the twins body is configured for cooking. I guesstimate to often for my own good. I had already started the soup. It was a Red Pepper Soup with Crispy Sage Leaves. It oozed healthiness. I also made it completely wrong. The roasted red peppers were not roasted. The crispy sage leaves were both sage and thyme. And, they weren't used as garnish, I blended them right into the soup.  
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My body felt cleansed by this meal. All the toxins flowed right out of me. And, according to Suzanne the detox level was 1 and 2. So, that's exciting.

This is the first time that I've actually made the food I'm talking about for a Tasty Tuesday in ages. It's refreshing. By the time the doorbell finally rang I had the soup on simmer waiting forty minutes for it to be pulverized by the blender. We started on the cheesecake.

It was called a Capuccino Cheesecake. I used regular coffee. And, I substituted regular cane sugar for this Somer Sweet she speaks of. I don't think that's even in production. There's no crust on this cheesecake. Too many calories I suppose. Wax paper had to be layed down to protect it.  
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At the point we expertly put it into it's water bath and set in the oven heated to 350 degrees we realized we needed some skanky bathing suits to go to the water park in. I'm publishing an article on Wednesday on that next week if you want to know more.
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I left my mother in charge of handling the timer. We went out. Found a cute top for Miss Sara Bellum and I decided to purchase Sia's 1000 Forms of Fear. A fire of an album. It slays. I found a perfectly scandalous bikini bottom for the water park online. It all worked out. So, much for saving money.
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We get home and we're picking out music for our roadtrip and my mother calls me on the home phone to let me know that the timer is going off and that I need to take the cheesecake out. This was one of the few moments in my life where I was like woman.

I take the cheesecake out. Wrap it in saran wrap and put it in the fridge. It won't be ready until tomorrow, but Miss Sara Bellum and I took a bite out of it and we thought it slayed. 

In hopes of maintaining our healthy diet. We made a drink I would describe as a root beer float with coffee instead of root beer. We were supposed to make the coffee ice cream by ourselves. We store bought it. We were supposed make whipped cream. We just skipped that step. The only thing we did right was make the simple chocolate syrup by ourselves. And, we used chocolate chips instead of dark chocolate.  
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It was good. Tens across the board good of course not, but this is in a healthy cook book. This is supposed to help you keep your figure not destroy it. It honestly reminded me of Javachiller you could get at Sonic. The only thing my mother didn't like was the simple chocolate syrup.

We threw the excess chocolate syrup onto the cappuccino cheesecake and I preceded to lick the pan clean. The soup wasn't as filling as you might expect.  
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I will probably not be adding the Suzanne Somer cookbook to my shelf anytime soon, but I enjoyed dabbling into her world of health. She makes her own broth apparently. And, as Barry Manilow says, “The only food I really look forward to eating is Suzanne's.” With celebrity endorsement like that how can you go wrong?
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RECIPES:
Red Pepper Soup with Crispy Sage Leaves
2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 minced Celery Stalk
1 minced Onion
6 Roasted Red Peppers
Salt
1 diced Celery Root
2 cups of Chicken Broth
Garnish
Olive Oil
40 Fresh Sage Leaves
Salt
¼ cup of Sour Cream

In a stockpot, combine the olive oil, celery, and onion. Cook over moderate heat until the vegetables are soft and fragrant, 10-15 minutes. Add the red peppers and cook 3-4 minutes more. Season with salt. Add the celery root, 1 quart of water, and the stock. Cover and cook over moderate heat until the celery root is soft, about 40 minutes.

Heat a medium skillet over medium heat. Pour in enough oil to cover the bottom of pan. When the oil is hot but not smoking, add the sage leaves. Fry until crispy, 1-2 minutes. Drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with salt.

Puree the soup in the pot with a hand mixer or in batches in a blender or food processor. Ladle into warmed shallow soup bowls. Drizzle each bowl with sour cream in an attractive pattern. Sprinkle a few fried sage leaves on top and serve.

FUN FACT: The only thing I did in that last paragraph was puree the soup.
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Cappuccino Cheesecake
24 ounces of Cream Cheese
1 cup of Sugar
3 Eggs
¾ cup of Sour Cream
1 tablespoon of Vanilla Extract
½ cup of Coffee
½ cup of Hot Water
2 cups of Whipped Cream
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter the sides and bottom of a 9 inch spring form pan. Line the bottom with a double thickness of waxed paper. Lay two 24 inch long pieces of aluminum foil on a work surface to make an X. Place the pan in the center of the foil and fold up around the sides to form a waterproof jacket.

In a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese and sugar until light and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add the sour cream and vanilla. Mix until smooth. Add the coffee and mix well.

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and place in a large roasting pan. Place the roasting pan in the preheated oven and pour enough hot water into the roasting pan to surround the cheesecake pan with 1 inch of water.

Bake for 1 hour. Turn off the oven and let the cheesecake cool in the oven for an additional hour without opening the door. Remove the cheesecake from the water bath and cool to room temperature.

Cover the cheesecake and refrigerate in the springform pan, preferably overnight. To unmold, run a warm knife around the edge of the cheesecake and transfer the cheesecake to a serving dish. Garnish with whipped cream and coffee beans.
Bruce's Cafe Legois
6 ounces of Dark Chocolate
¾ cup of Heavy Cream
1 pint of Coffee Ice Cream
½ cup of Coffee
1 cup of Whipped Cream

Place the broken up chocolate in a medium bowl. Pour the cream into a small saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the hot cream to the chocolate and stir until all the lumps are gone.

Place 2 scoops of coffee ice cream in each glass. Pour a little hot espresso over the top of each. Drizzle a little chocolate sauce over the top. Garnish with whipped cream.

ALL RECIPES from the cookbook The Sexy Forever Recipe Bible by Suzanne Somers. 
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Condiment

7/28/2015

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What is a condiment other then a boring topic for a Tasty Tuesday?
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According to the answer google has provided me, a condiment is “a substance that is used to add flavor to food.” That sounds overly generic. Does that mean that the paprika I have sitting in my cupboard is a condiment. I don't know if I would go that far. I'm all for equal rights of condiments being called condiments, but I don't know if I'm progressive enough to call paprika a condiment.
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I have done some further research (that required me getting up from my bed) to pull out The American Heritage Dictionary and see what the official dictionary thinks of this condiment debacle. The definition they supplied me with was that it is a “a sauce, relish, or spice used to season food.”
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I personally am offended that I might have to consider paprika a condiment. I need to find another source on this issue. I will take this to the President. I am in a national crisis.

Now let me tell you what I consider a condiment. It's that question you get asked at a fast food restaurant. “Do you want mayonnaise, mustard, or ketchup on your burger?”
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All the white people want that mayonnaise. It's ingrained in white culture that we love mayonnaise. We put that in everything. I myself am partial to mayonnaise. Granted if I'm going to a fast food place. I'm getting plain burger. I don't trust fast food standards.
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Mustard is what those adventurous people get. The ones that like to live on the wild side. I imagine that Rachel Dolezal had too much experience with mustard. I honestly don't know how white people handle mustard. I mean we think water is spicy and I was at this place that had spicy mustard on a hot dog and I honestly didn't know white people were ready for this.
Ketchup is for the truly strange individual. Who gets ketchup on their burger. Whenever, I'm asked this question I just don't understand. Mustard and mayonnaise are the only two reasonable answers. They are the two M's. They are the M and M.  
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Ketchup is for french fries and the occasional corn dog. Boomer absolutely hates ketchup. He hates most food products, but he has a special place of hatred for ketchup. I get it. It's tomatoes and sugar. But, what's better then tomatoes and sugar, then tomatoes and sugar together. Am I right? 

Personally, I am not a fan of the ketchup and the french fry combination. I do reminisce occasionally, but usually I go for the ranch french fry combination. I don't know if that's just a really white thing to do, but knowing me it probably is. 

I like that good buttermilk ranch. It's good for everything. Dipping the carrots. Forgetting your eating a salad. It's a magical invention.

I embrace the condiments as a sub section of the food genre. It makes life better. Where would we be without things to dip and top our food with. In a sad mystical place where dragons breathe fire and the wheel hasn't been invented. That's where.
RECIPES:
Honey Mustard Sauce
2/3 cup of Beef Broth
3 tablespoons of Butter
3 tablespoons of Flour
3 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
3 tablespoons of Honey
1 teaspoon of Water
¼ teaspoon of Chili Powder

Melt the butter, then whisk in the flour to make a roux. Slowly whisk in 1/3 cup of the beef broth.

Stir in the Dijon mustard and honey, then the remaining beef broth, stirring until the sauce has thickened.

Add the water and chili powder

Serve warm. But, not too warm.  
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Ranch Dressing
1 cup of Mayonnaise
1/2 cup of Sour Cream
1/2 cup of Dried Chives
1/2 teaspoon of Dried Parsley
1/2 teaspoon of Dried Dill Weed
1/4 teaspoon of Garlic Powder
1/4 teaspoon of Onion Powder
1/8 teaspoon of Salt

In a large bowl, whisk together the mayonnaise, sour cream, chives, parsley, dill, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper. Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes before serving.
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Ketchup
1 28 Ounce Can of Tomatoes
1 Chopped Onion
4 Chopped Garlic Cloves
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
1 Teaspoon of Chili Powder
1/2 teaspoon of Paprika
1/4 teaspoon of Cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon  of Ground Allspice
1 tablespoon  of Tomato Paste
1/2 cup of packed Brown Sugar
1/2 cup of Cider Vinegar


Puree tomatoes with juice in a blender until smooth. Cook onion and garlic in oil with 1/4 teaspoon salt in a  heavy saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until golden, about 8 minutes. Add spices and 1/2 teaspoon pepper and cook, stirring frequently, 1 minute. Add tomato purée, tomato paste, brown sugar, and vinegar and simmer, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until very thick, 45 to 55 minutes (stir more frequently toward end of cooking to prevent scorching).

Puree ketchup in blender until smooth . Chill at least 2 hours (for flavors to develop).
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How To Eat Healthy 2015

6/2/2015

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Everyone is like “eat healthy”, “don't eat ten bags of potato chips”, “you're going to die young” and I'm like okay, whatever. As per usual, I don't know what to right about. So, I took divine inspiration from the 2015 January issue of Bon Appetit.

My grandfather recently gifted me with a stack of his magazines and I recycled most of them to be honest, but I snatched up those Bon Appetit magazines. I was like shit I have to write a Tasty Tuesday and I spread them out and I started flipping through one and I was hit by divine inspiration. Healthy food looks nasty.
Honestly, I try to be healthyish, but some of this food is a mess. It does not look good. It's so funny that I try to eat well. I made the grocery list this week for my mother. She's leaving to go visit my great aunt and I was like get me these fruits and vegetables. Don't buy me junk food. Get me those grape nuts. Get me those corn flakes. I really do like that type of cereal, though. I sound like a survivor of the Great Depression who's living in the nursing home, but I love those old people cereals. They slay me.
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Now, my mother decides to buy these caramel, chocolate dipped pretzel things. Those are not healthy. She's all like these butter snap pretzels look hella good. Those actually aren't that bad, because I don't like the Snyder's Butter Snap pretzels. I don't know if that's weird of me, but I just don't feel them. We also bought bread and I was wanted a somewhat healthy Pumpernickel and the madre decides we should get cinnamon raisin.  
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I try that is all I can say. If there is only healthy type foods to eat in the house that's what I'm going to eat. I was watching Ugly Betty tonight and I started out strong. Got me some strawberries and a banana, then those caramel chocolate dipped things called my name and I recanted. Eating healthy is hard when salt and sugar are calling your name.
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Everyone is on this eating healthy kick. I was watching Wendy Williams recently and Lorraine Bracco was on. I really like her. You probably don't know the name, but she's in that show Rizzoli and Isles. She's Rizzoli's mother. And, she was on The Sopranos. I never watched it, but I'm sure she was amazing. And, she was on promoting her autobiography and she talked about eating healthy. She's also 61 and looking good. Apparently she was also Jean Paul-Gaultier's muse before he was Jean Paul-Gaultier. I honestly want her life.  
It's not even about just eating healthy. It's about eating sustainable. I went to this thing at my school about it and life is just complicated. I honestly preferred life before I had to make adult decisions. I keep forgetting that I can vote in elections. I am now old enough to make a change in the world. It's intimidating. I don't want to make my own doctor's appointments. I just want to sit at home and listen to Cyndi Lauper. That's what I really want.  
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Shout out to anyone who is trying to eat healthy. Over breaks I do better, because I'll cook for myself. And, there's something that just seems more inherently healthy about cooking for yourself. But, during the school year. Between work and school obligations it's exhausting doing more then making a box of mac and cheese.

Hopefully, these recipes help you. We all have to eat and life is too short to eat food you don't enjoy. I don't know who the target audience of Bon Appetit, but something tells me it's upper middle class bored suburban housewife. I don't know who else could afford to make this.
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RECIPES:
The Greenest Smoothie
1 frozen Banana
1 cup of frozen Pineapple Pieces
1 cup of fresh Parsley
1 cup of Unsweetened Almond Milk
2 tablespoons of Almond Butter
2 tablespoons of Flaxseed Oil
1 teaspoon of Agave Nectar
1 teaspoon of Matcha
½ teaspoon of finely grated peeled Ginger

Puree all ingredients together. Sweeten with more agave if desired.

SIDE NOTE: I have no fucking idea what Matcha is.
Five Grain Porridge with Bee Pollen, Apples, and Coconut
Porridge
½ cup of Brown Rice
½ cup of Quinoa
¼ cup of Amaranth
¼ cup of Millet
¼ cup of Wheat Bran
½ teaspoon of Kosher Salt
Assembly
1 tablespoon of Virgin Cocount Oil
¼ cup of Unsweetened Coconut Flakes
1 cut into ¼ inch pieces Pink Lady
¼ teaspoon of Cinnamon
2 tablespoons of Honey
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Bring brown rice, quinoa, amaranth, millet, wheat bran, salt, and 6 cups of water to a boil in a medium pot. Reduce heat, partially cover, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until cereal is the consistency of porridge (softer and thicker than the usual bowl of oatmeal) and water is absorbed. About 40-50 minutes.

Heat coconut oil in a medium skillet over medium-high. Cook coconut flakes, stirring often, until toasted, 2 minutes, transfer to a plate.

Add apple, cinnamon, and 2 tablespoons of honey to skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until apples are browned in spots about 3 minutes.

Serve porridge topped with apples, coconut, sea salt, bee pollen, and a drizzle of honey if you like.

SIDE NOTE: I don't know in what world someone has time to make this for breakfast. This is some dystopian novel shit. Bon Appetit is forgetting that we live in a capitalist society. Unless I get a maid this is not getting made for breakfast. And, in what universe is bee pollen casually thrown into the title of a recipe. This is what white America is.  
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“Tandoori” Carrots with Vadouvan Spice and Yogurt
2 tablespoons of Vadouvan
2 finely grated Garlic Cloves
½ cup of Plain Whole Milk Greek Yogurt
5 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 pound of Small Carrots
¼ teaspoons of Turmeric
2 tablespoons of Lemon Juice

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Mix vadouvan, half of garlic, ¼ cup of yogurt, and 3 tablespoons of oil in a large bowl until smooth, season with salt and pepper. Add carrots and toss to coat. Roast on a rimmed baking sheet in a single layer, turning occasionally, until tender and lightly charred in spots. 25-30 minutes.

Meanwhile heat turmeric and remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in a small skillet over medium low swirling skillet, until fragrant, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat.

Whisk lemon juice, remaining garlic, and remaining ¼ cup of yogurt in a small bowl, season with salt and pepper.

Place carrots on a platter. Drizzle with yogurt mixture and turmeric oil and top with cilantro. Serve with lemon wedges.

SIDE NOTE: No, I don't know why there are quotations marks around tandoori.  
Chocolate Coconut Date Bars
2 cups of pitted Dates
¾ cup of raw Cocoa Powder
¾ cup of Unsweetened Shredded Coconut
¼ cup of Cocao Nibs
2 tablespoon of Agave Syrup
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
2 tablespoons of Water

Coat 8x8 baking pan with nonstick vegetable oil spray, line with parchement leaving overhang on all sides. Blend all ingredients in food processor until smooth. Press mixture firmly into pan. Cut into bars.
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Normally, I would be like e-mail comment if you need any help. Yeah, I don't know what's happening. However, if you actually make any of these. Please comment. I want to know if there as terrible as they sound. All recipes came from the January issue of this year's Bon Appetit. 
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Swamp Biscuits

5/5/2015

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Some say it's too much. And, by some I mean me. Is it too much Ivy Levan in two weeks? I want the answer to be yes and then she's so flawless that I feel no guilt. As usual I was struggling with what to write about for Tasty Tuesday. And, then an unidentified flying biscuit hit me in the face.

I was listening to Ivy Levan's “Biscuit”. AGAIN. Because, it's just so good and I was jamming, trying to figure out what I was going to do. Then, I realized. What is the title of this song
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“Biscuit”

What is also a food product?

Biscuits.
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Who can do a Tasty Tuesday on Ivy Levan. Spotlighting how amazing she is while at the same addressing the struggle that is Tasty Tuesday. Some fun facts about the song “Biscuit” is that it's a metaphor for the vagina. Turn up. I know. It's all about oral sex and I feel it. I would definitely say it's among the best female odes to vaginal pleasuring.

Granted the only other one I can think of is “Holy Water”. That's a Madonna song and just as sacrilegious as you would imagine. I definitely think that Rihanna's “Cockiness” counts. At some point she says “I love it when you eat it”. What is he eating? Probably not the box of chocolates he bought his girl on Valentine's Day.
Buy "Holy Water"
Buy "Cockiness (Love It)"
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I have no answer as to why a biscuit is a metaphor for the vagina. Someone who is more creative then me can leave a comment and explain it to us all. Preferably an English major. You all know what's up when it comes to bull shitting imagery.

For the most part I exist on carbohydrates alone. Any type of bread you can think of. I was at lunch today and this girl showed me something that said “*flirting* What kind of bread do you like?” And I was like me and she was like me. And together we both realized we were meant to be with each other for the rest of our lives. Except not.
Bread is a holy experience. Jesus broke bread. Probably. Communion has bread like products that are involved in it. Bread is really the only reason to live. That's where the old colloquialism came from anyway “the best thing since sliced bread”. Things just don't top bread.

For the first time in at least a solid month all of the recipes I'm putting down are real Bubble Righted tested and approved. I enjoy the bread products and shout out to me for baking once in a great while. Sometimes you just got to make your own bread products. There are desperate times.

Bake safely. Do not burn the house down. And in the words of RuPaul:
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RECIPES:
Baking Powder Biscuits
½ cup of Shortening
2 cups of Flour
1 tablespoon of Sugar
3 teaspoons of Baking Powder
1 teaspoon of Salt
¾ cup of Milk

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees

Using a food processor, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt, pulsing until it resembles coarse crumbs.

Add the milk, pulsing until the dough leaves the side of the bowl.

Turn the dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead it lightly 10 times. Roll the dough to ½ inch thickness and cut with a round cookie cutter, placing the biscuits on an ungreased baking sheet about 1 inch apart. Bake the biscuits for 10-12 minutes, or until they are golden brown. Remove the biscuits from the baking sheet immediately and serve warm.
Buy "Biscuit"
Brioche
1 cup of Milk (scalded)
1 cup of Butter
2 teaspoons of Salt
½ cup of Sugar
2 packages of Yeast
¼ cup of lukewarm Water
4 Eggs
4 ½ cup of Flour

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees

Add the butter, salt, and sugar, to the scalded milk, stirring until the butter is melted. Set aside.

Sprinkle the yeast into the lukewarm water, add the eggs, mixing well. Add the milk mixture, beating well, then beat in the flour. Let rise for 6 hours.

Chill until to ready to use.

Form the dough into 1 inch balls, brush with butter, and let rise until they are double in size. Bake for 20 minutes.

Corn Bread
1 cup of Flour
1 cup of Yellow Cornmeal
¼ cup of Sugar
4 teaspoon of Baking Powder
¾ teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
1 cup of Milk
¼ cup of Canola Oil

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

Combine the flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Add the eggs, milk, and canola oil, beating it until the mixture is smooth, about 1 minute. DO NOT OVERBEAT

Pour the mixture into a greased bread pan, and bake for 20-25 minutes.

Popovers
1 ¼ cups of Flour
¼ teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
1 teaspoon of Sugar
1 cup of Milk

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees

Combine the flour, salt, and sugar, mixing well. Gradually add the milk and eggs, beating thoroughly.

Heat a well greased popover pan until it is hot. Pour the batter into the popover pan until each is about ½ full and bake for 27 minutes.

Reduce the temperature to 300 degrees, and continue baking for another 3 minutes.
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Goodbye Winter and Hello Heat

4/7/2015

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I honestly feel like I had a plan when I wrote down the words “ice cream”. It is true, I don't just plop down and let inspiration hit me for this blog. I have a list of topics written out for things I want to write about. I have the words “ice cream” written next to Tasty Tuesday. I have no other context besides that.

I truly do adore the ice cream, I feel it, not sure what the grand plan was, though. Maybe it was the weather. I mean the weather has switched from dead cold to pleasantly nice for an ice cream cone. I really don't feel warm weather.
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What comes from the blistering heat? Grass grows. There are weeds. Straight boys come out of hiding and become obnoxious.
You know now that I'm actually thinking about it, it all makes sense. I mean it doesn't make sense, but I can understand it. I also love the fact that I call it eating at lunch. I don't eat anything at lunch. I sit next to people. That's not really the same thing.

On a decidedly random tangent, my microeconomics teacher loves ice cream. I doubt that was the original purpose of this article. I really like my micro teacher, but I don't think I would dedicate an entire article to her. She's Italian. She likes ice cream, but she is all about that gelato. I had gelato, once. I felt it. I was here for it, but whenever I think of gelato I always think of the Lizzie McGuire Movie. The woman chaperoning the trip says “Italian ice cream has twice the sugar of American ice cream” in that loud domineering voice. I love it. Queen.
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I have a great relationship with ice cream, except when it's attacking my waist line. I have a thing for hot fudge sundaes. There's something about warm fudge and melty ice cream that really gets me to where I want to be in my life.

Brandy Alexander's slay the world. A Brandy Alexander is what you get when you combine alcohol with a milkshake. It's a really great way to get wasted. Don't get wasted. Do what you want. I personally have only ever been a little tipsy and I don't even know if I would go that far, honestly. I only really ever have one drink and I'm done.  
My mother also has a relationship with the ice cream and we used to make homemade ice cream. We had like an ice cream machine and everything. Hopefully, the recipes I find for this article do not require a homemade mixer. I will not include those. I had a really good time as a child with ice cream. It's like a good childhood memory.

If something bad happens, you just eat ice cream and live your life. That's a motto to live by. I'm going to put that on twitter. Honest to God. That might replace my twitter description. I am such a perfect being and hopefully you enjoy these ice cream recipes, I did not just randomly pick out of my mother's cookbook.  
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RECIPES:
Lavender Honey Ice Cream*

1 quart of Vanilla Ice Cream
½ cup of Honey
2 tablespoons of Lavender

In a food processor, grind the lavender until it resembles a flour consistency.

Combine the vanilla ice cream, honey, and lavender, mixing well. Freeze for at least a half hour before serving.

*This recipe might be cheating.

Grape Sherbert
2 ¼ cups of Water
1 cup of Lemon Juice
1 cup of Sugar
2 tablespoons of Vodka*
1/8 teaspoon of Salt

Combine water and sugar, stirring until the sugar has melted. Once it's cooled,a dd the remaining ingredients and freeze thoroughly, about 2 ½ hours.

Using a food processor, pulse the lemon ice until it is smooth.

*The recipe said that the vodka was optional. Who makes vodka optional. Also this might not be ice cream, but that's not really the point.

Peach Almond Shake
½ cup of sliced Peaches
1/3 cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
2 teaspoon of Lemon Juice
½ ounce of Brandy
½ ounce of Peach Schnapps
½ ounce of Amaretto

Blend all ingredients.  
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Happy Birthday, Te Amo

1/27/2015

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Te Amo means 'I Love You'. So, this weeks Tasty Tuesday translates into “Happy Birthday, I Love You”. I don't believe I've ever talked to you about Te Amo before on the blog. I actually do call her Te Amo. No lie. If you hear someone call out Te Amo in the middle of a crowded mall as a name, it is probably me.

Sometimes, I'll even say Te Amo Tita. Like the Rosetta Stones commercials. I would love to say I remember why I started calling her that, but I don't remember. It just happened organically. Rosencrantz is the only other person on this blog I actually call by their code name in real life.  
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Although, I have slipped up with other people. I've called out Jenny in public before. It was okay, because there actually was a Jenny there. But, still that was awkward. I never talk to her and then I had to awkwardly stumble my way through conversation.

Today is actually Te Amo's birthday, except it isn't. Her birthday is the 22nd of January if I remember correctly and today's what the 27th? However, this is probably pretty close to when I did her surprise birthday party last year.  
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The entire time I was convinced that she knew. She did not know. May I suggest to everyone who does a surprise birthday party not to do it the way I did it. It was a smashing success, but that weekend was a mess.

Birthday's are time sensitive and that can't be helped, but the weekend I chose was the one I was doing my interview for college. It was this full ride scholarship, and I was like yes. I didn't get it. I failed miserably at the interview. It was rough. I had to get up at seven and I was there until about four in the afternoon on Saturday.

I was doing her birthday on Sunday, but I also had to go to this dinner with my neighbors that night. I was really over reaching. You go big or you go home. I had my layer cake recipe planned out. The numerous dips. You've got to blow up the balloons, and I suck it at. Not in the good way. I can't get the balloons up. That is my problem. I suck at sucking. Something my crush can never know.
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Stock footage of me singing "Happy Birthday"
There were a few dips I wanted to make. Banners had to be strung. I still had to wrap my birthday present to her (Britney Spear's Circus). I even made punch. Nonalcoholic of course. This was Te Amo's 18th birthday not her 21st.  

I have this thing for punch. I will use any excuse to bring down that crystal punch bowl and fill it up. I really like punch. People laugh at me for making it, but whatever. I enjoy it. 
Of course I had to clean as well. It was a real mess. I might have looked calm and collected, but on the inside I was Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada.

The guest list turned out really well. Basically everyone I told to come, came. I was insistent, I was like you need to be here. This is for Te Amo. People just love her. I wish I could be adored like Te Amo, but I am not willing to give up being a bitch so the masses like me. I could not pretend to like everyone and go about my business. It would not work for me.

She's a doll. I hope she had a great birthday. I didn't see her this year, because she's away at college. Passing, while I sit here struggling through the tears.

As I said I think Te Amo was surprised, but she wouldn't tell me if she wasn't. So, I will just imagine her surprise party went off without a hitch. It was a great gathering of people. There was conversation. People were talking. Everyone participated in a very violent game of Pictionary. It was great. The atmosphere was good. The music was good too. I have no idea what I put on, but I know Gaga came on at least once. Because, me and this one girl started singing “Sexxx Dreams” incredibly obnoxiously together.

Happy belated Birthday Te Amo. Being better then me in 2015.
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RECIPES:
Hot Spinach Artichoke Dip
1 cup of diced Onions
8 ounces of Sour Cream
8 ounces of Cream Cheese
14 ounces of chopped marinated Artichoke Hearts
15 ounces of chopped frozen Spinach
¼ cup of Butter
1 cup of grated Monterey Jack Cheese
1 cup of grated Parmesan

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Saute the onions in the butter until they are softened. Add the cream cheese, sour cream, and Monterey Jack cheese and stirring until cheese has melted.

Add the artichoke hearts and spinach, mixing well. Pour the mixture into a baking dish and top with additional cheese. Bake for 20 minutes or until the cheese is lightly browned.
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Party Punch
1 quart of Grape Juice
1/3 cup of Lemon Juice
1 pint of Orange Juice
½ cup of Sugar
48 ounces of Ginger Ale
Ice Cubes

Combine the grape juice, lemon juice, orange juice, and sugar, mixing well. 

Before serving, add the ginger ale, stirring well. Pour in ice

NOTE: If you would like to garnish the punch (I never do) you can use mint leaves, orange slices, and lemon slices.  

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Real Footage of Me Decorating a Cake
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Lemon Layer Cake
Cake
1 cup of Milk
6 Eggs
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1 teaspoon of Almond Extract
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 ¾ cups of Sugar
4 teaspoons of Baking Powder
1 teaspoon of Salt
12 tablespoons of Butter
Lemon Curd Filling
1 cup of Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon of Unflavored Gelatin
1 ½ cups of Sugar
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
6 Egg Yolks
4 Eggs
8 tablespoons of Butter
Icing
2 Egg Whites
1 cup of Sugar
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
1 tablespoon of Corn Syrup

Cake
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two 8 to 9 inch pans. Line bottoms with parchment paper.

Whisk the milk, egg whites, and both extracts together in a small bowl. In a large bowl, whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt together. Beat the butter into the flour mixture, one piece at a time, about 30 seconds. Continue to beat until it resembles moist crumbles. About 1-3 minutes.

Beat in all but ½ cup of the milk mixture, then increase the mixer speed until smooth, light, and fluffy, 1-3 minutes. Reduce the mixer speed to low and slowly beat in the remaining ½ cup of milk mixture until batter looks slightly curdled. About 15 seconds.

Make sure it is thoroughly combined and pour into prepared pans. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Let the cakes cool in the pans for 10 minutes. Run a small knife around the edge of the cakes and then flip them onto the wire rack. Peel off the parchment paper.

It will take 2 hours for the cakes to completely cool, so they can be frosted.

Lemon Curd Filling
Measure 1 tablespoon of the lemon juice into a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin over top. Cook the remaining lemon juice, sugar, and salt together in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is hot, about 1 minute. Do not boil.

In a large bowl whisk the egg yolks and eggs together until combined, then slowly whisk in the hot lemon mixture to temper. Return the mixture to the saucepan and cook over medium heat, until the mixture is thickened and a spatula scraped along the bottom leaves a trail. This should take 4-6 minutes and on an instant read thermometer it should say about 170 degrees.

Off the heat stir in the gelatin mixture until dissolved. Stir in the frozen butter until melted and incorporated. Strain the curd into a bowl and press plastic wrap directly on the surface. Refrigerate the curd for at least 4 hours.

Placing one cake on the cake plate spread the filling over the top. Place the remaining cake layer on top and press lightly to adhere.

NOTE: You can split both cakes in half. And, incorporate more layers. I find it to be difficult to do it this way, but I am also not skilled as a cook or a baker or anything kitchen related. So, live your life.

Icing
In a large bowl whisk all the ingredients together until combined. Set bowl over a large saucepan until combined. Set the bowl over a large saucepan of barely simmering water, making sure the water does not touch the bottom of the bowl. Heat the mixture, whisking constantly until it reads 160 degrees on an instant read thermometer. About 5-10 minutes.

Remove the bowl from the heat and whip the mixture for 5-7 minutes until stiff peaks form. Increase mixer speed and beat for another 5-7 minutes. Frost the cake with the icing.

The way I did was to pipe the icing into an even-ish formation on the cake. Then, I used a spoon to give it this wavy pattern. I'm not sure if that make sense, but it was very pretty. And, compared to most parts of this cake, it wasn't that hard to do.  

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Cake In A Cup

1/13/2015

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I really need to start asking my cousin Jamie for suggestions on article titles. I was legitimately going to call this Cupcakes. Then, I was like no be original. I came up with Cupcake Mania. Decided that was basic as fuck. I finally settled on Cake in a Cup. I still don't think it's that great of a name, but it's better then Cupcake.

Cupcakes are like portion controlled heaven. They are just everything. The only people who don't like cupcakes are people who don't like cake. That is strange. There might be something wrong you. Were you abused as a child. Do we need to talk. These are all the questions I think of when people don't like cupcakes.
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I am here if you need counseling. For a brief moment my mother was on top of the cupcake game. All she made was cupcakes. Now cupcakes are really great. They're easier to decorate then a cupcake, there finger food, and the presentation options are one in a million. We have three cookbooks dedicated to cupcakes. My mother needs to calm herself.

What my mother came to find out was that she really liked the complicated cupcakes. Of course she did. My mother is not one for the easy route.
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She wants that fancy cupcake, that has that filling and that icing that takes you ten years to make. It's like no. We do not have time for this, but that is what she lives for. My mother has always been this gourmet human being. She also does it to impress people. She will tell you she does it for herself. I have lived with this woman for 18 years of my life. I know her. I know how she thinks. I have some skill in reading her.
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If where I live is anything like where you live, there are a million cupcake shops. First it was yogurt and now it's cupcakes. We have this one chain called Gigi's. I have no idea if you have one, but people are obsessed with this place. I am not a fan. There is no filling. They are three dollars. And, there is ten inches of butter cream frosting on top.

I took a cake decorating class. I know what butter cream tastes like. The recipe they use is basic beginner shit. If you ever take a cake decorating class you will learn how to make this by the pound. About the only thing they do is put sprinkles on their cupcakes.

As you can tell, I am not impressed with Gigi's. There is a place that I adore. There's only one of them and Rosencrantz and I go there all the time. Basically whenever we hang out we get cupcakes.
People around campus even wear shirts with the name emblazoned on it. This cupcake shop is the shit and is so much better then Gigi's. This is the kind of place where people could get me cupcakes for my birthday and I could be like you are the best friend I have ever had in my entire life.

Rosencrantz literally bought me cupcakes for my birthday. She is queen. Like thank you Thunder and J. Lo for my very thoughtful gift of Lily Allen. But, Rosencrantz gave me the gift of diabetes.

Now these are the cupcake recipes that my mother and I like. I'm totally serious about these being a great party food. You make three different kinds. Set them up. Have like a vegetable tray on the side with some dip and you are good to go. Everyone will think your so fancy and all you did was make some cupcakes. As I say that. I realize sometimes that's easier said, then done.  
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RECIPES
Limoncello
Cupcakes
1 package of Lemon Cake Mix
4 Eggs
1 Package of Lemon Instant Pudding
½ cup of Vegetable Oil
½ cup of Vodka
½ cup of Water
Glaze
4 cups of Powdered Sugar
1/3 cup of Lemon Juice
4 tablespoons of Vodka
Candied Lemon Peel

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 24 standard muffin cups with paper baking cups.

Beat cake mix, eggs, pudding mix, oil, ½ cup of vodka, and water in large bowl until smooth. Spoon the batter evenly into prepared muffin cups. Bake for 15 minutes or until center comes out clean. Cool completely in pans on wire rack.

For glaze, whisk powdered sugar, lemon juice, 4 tablespoons of vodka in medium bowl until smooth. Dip tops of cupcakes in glaze, garnish with candied lemon peel. Let stand until set.

NOTE: You can also sprinkle coarse sugar on top if you would like.
Cookies & Cream Cupcakes
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 tablespoon of Baking Powder
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 2/3 cups of Sugar
1 cup of Milk
½ cup of Butter
2 teaspoons of Vanilla
3 Egg Whites
1 cup of Crushed Oreos
1 container of Vanilla Frosting

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a standard 24 muffin pan with paper baking cups.

Sift flour, baking powder, and salt in large bowl. Stir in sugar. Add milk, butter, and vanilla; beat with electric mixer at low speed for 30 seconds. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes. Add egg whites, beat 2 minutes. Stir in 1 cup of crushed cookies. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups about 2/3 full.

Bake for 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool in pans for 10 minutes. Remove to wire racks; cool completely.

Frost cupcakes, garnish with additional crushed cookies.
Boston Cream Pie Minis
1 package of Yellow Cake Mix
1 cup of Cold Milk
1 package of Vanilla Flavored Instant Pudding
1 ½ cups of Cool Whip
4 squares of Semi-Sweet Baking Chocolate

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a standard 24 muffin pan with paper baking cups. Prepare cake batter and bake. Cool for 10 minutes in pan. Remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Beat milk and dry pudding mix with wire whisk 2 minutes or until well blended. Let stand 5 minutes. Meanwhile, use serrated knife to cut cupcakes horizontally in half. Gently stir ½ cup of the whipped topping into pudding. Spoon about 1 tablespoon of the pudding mixture onto bottom half of each cupcake, cover with top of cupcake.

Microwave remaining 1 cup of of whipped topping and the chocolate in small microwaveable bowl on high for 1 ½ minutes or until chocolate is almost melted, stirring after 1 minute. Stir until chocolate is completely melted and mixture is well blended: spread onto cupcakes. Refrigerate at least 15 minutes before serving. Store leftovers in refrigerator.  
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Maple Bacon Cupcakes
Cupcakes
1 ½ cups of Flour
1 ¾ teaspoons of Baking Powder
½ cup of Butter
¾ cup of Granulated Sugar
2 Eggs
2 tablespoons of Maple Syrup
½ cup of Milk
8 slices of crisp, finely chopped Bacon
Maple Frosting
½ cup of Butter
3 tablespoons of Maple Syrup
2 tablespoons of Milk
3 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 12 muffin cups with paper baking cups. Whisk flour and baking powder in small bowl.

Beat ½ cup of butter and granulated sugar in large bowl with electric mixer at medium speed until light and fluffy. Add eggs and 2 tablespoons maple syrup, beat well. Add flour mixture and ½ cup of milk, beat at low speed just until combined. Stir in all but 2 tablespoons of chopped bacon.

Spoon batter evenly into prepared muffin cups. Bake 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Cool in pan for 10 minutes. Remove to wire rack; cool completely.

For frosting, beat ½ cup of butter, 3 tablespoons of maple syrup and 2 tablespoons milk in large bowl with electric mixer at low speed for 1 minute. Add powdered sugar: beat at medium speed until fluffy. Frost cupcakes, top with reserved chopped bacon.  
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Candy Shop

12/16/2014

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On the very first Tasty Tuesday, Buttercup asked me to recommend her a recipe. I told her why don't you use the candy recipe for Divinity we made over Christmas break. She told me how brilliant I was (And I agreed with her) and I read this little bich's article and she's talking about buying milkshakes at Dairy Queen. I went to all that effort of typing up that recipe and e-mailing it to her for her to decide she did not want to use it. 
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So, today prepared to be dazzled and open up your own candy shop with me. None of these recipes are that difficult, especially if you do it as a tag team. I was having a Christmas gathering of friends on the last Friday before Christmas. It was the day before on Thursday when Buttercup called me up and said she wanted to get together.
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I told her if she wanted to come over she could, but mama had some baking to do. I was going all out for this party. I was making fudge, hot apple cider, plenty of cookies for Santa. As long as it wasn't healthy I was going to make it. Everything turned out fine except for the peanut butter fudge, that I burned twice mind you. My morning had just not started out that well, but I was bound and determined to get everything I wanted done.

Mind, you Buttercup and my first outing did not go that great either. We were making the Divinity. It said in the recipe to keep it on low heat. We did this. Apparently however the heat was too low. 

A half hour later the syrupy mixture had this beautiful amber color, but it still had not reached the temperature it was supposed to have reached twenty minutes ago. We both look at each other like WTF? 

So, I increase the temperature in order to compensate for this and we get it to the right temperature and mix it up just the way we were told to. We mix in the dried fruit (Highly recommended) and let it sit.

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You will need one of these
We proceed to clean the mixer and everything else the divinity had touched (NOTE: Use cold water to wash the dishes, hot water does NOT work). That was a pain.

After an hour or two my mother walks in and they have dried, the divinity. She tries one and she says there really chewy.

Divinity is not supposed to be chewy. They are supposed to be succulent, dense but not too dense, or in simple terms heavenly. They melt. That is what Divinity does, if made right. It is not supposed to be chewy.

So, the moral of this story is this: follow your instincts. If you think something is going terribly wrong while your cooking. Realize that something terribly wrong is going on with your cooking. Also do not cook the syrup on one, when it says low heat. It is going to make the syrup too dense. If that is even a thing.

Do not be fooled by my negativity towards my Divinity. I put that mother trucker out there for the world to see, because Buttercup and I put a lot of energy into making it. 
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RECIPES:
Divinity
2 1/2 cup of Sugar
1/2 cup of Light Corn Syrup
1/2 cup of Water
2 Egg Whites
1 teaspoon o Vanilla Extract
1/2 cup of dried fruit (optional)
1/2 cup of nuts (optional)

In a large saucepan, stir together the sugar, corn syrup, and water, heating until sugar dissolves and the mixture boils, 5-7 minutes. Avoid splashing the syrup on sides of pan.

Reduce the heat, and cook without stirring over medium heat to 260 degrees (Hard Ball). The mixture should boil gently over the entire surface. (At the hard ball stage a few drops of syrup dropped into cold water will form a hard ball when removed from water.) Remove the saucepan from the heat and set aside.

Immediately begin to beat the egg whites on medium  speed until stiff peaks form. Gradually pour the syrup in a thin stream over egg whites beating them constantly on high speed. Add the syrup slowly, it should take about 3 minutes.

Add the vanilla extract, continuing to beat on high speed until the candy holds its shape when the beaters are removed, about 5-6 minutes.

When the candy is beaten enough, the mixture will stay mounded in soft shape when a spoonful is dropped onto wax paper.

NOTE: If mixture is too stiff add a few drops of hot water and beat until it is softer.

When the candy holds its shape, stir in the fruit or nuts. If desired. Quickly spoon the candy be teaspoonful onto wax paper.

Cool and store in airtight container.


Lemon Crunch
1 pound of White Chocolate
1/2 cup of crushed Lemon Drops

Melt the chocolate in the microwave, stirring every 20 seconds until it is all melted. Add the lemon drops, stirring to coat well.

Pour the mixture onto wax paper and spread it thinly. Let it cool for a few hours, then break the bark into pieces and store it in airtight container. 

NOTE: This is an easy recipe that anyone can do, and it will make you look so impressive, because who can make candy? This recipe also has easy variations that just include switching up the add in, so you can constantly look like your reinventing.

Oreo Balls
1 Package of Oreos
1 pound of Dark chocolate
8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese    

Using a food processor, pulse the Oreos until they are the consistency of heavy flour. Knead in the cream cheese by hand until it is mixed thoroughly. Refrigerate the dough as long as over night.

Roll the dough into similar shaped balls (Not larger than 1 inch), then dip them in the dark chocolate and place them on wax paper to dry.

NOTE: Not as user friendly as the Lemon Crunch this recipe is still very accessible if you do not feel comfortable dipping the Oreo balls in chocolate. It is hard to make them look perfect and if you thrive on perfection, I suggest dusting them with powder sugar. elegant, sophisticated, and you don't have to go to the extra expense of buying that pound of chocolate.        
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