Everyone is like “eat healthy”, “don't eat ten bags of potato chips”, “you're going to die young” and I'm like okay, whatever. As per usual, I don't know what to right about. So, I took divine inspiration from the 2015 January issue of Bon Appetit.
My grandfather recently gifted me with a stack of his magazines and I recycled most of them to be honest, but I snatched up those Bon Appetit magazines. I was like shit I have to write a Tasty Tuesday and I spread them out and I started flipping through one and I was hit by divine inspiration. Healthy food looks nasty.
Now, my mother decides to buy these caramel, chocolate dipped pretzel things. Those are not healthy. She's all like these butter snap pretzels look hella good. Those actually aren't that bad, because I don't like the Snyder's Butter Snap pretzels. I don't know if that's weird of me, but I just don't feel them. We also bought bread and I was wanted a somewhat healthy Pumpernickel and the madre decides we should get cinnamon raisin.
Everyone is on this eating healthy kick. I was watching Wendy Williams recently and Lorraine Bracco was on. I really like her. You probably don't know the name, but she's in that show Rizzoli and Isles. She's Rizzoli's mother. And, she was on The Sopranos. I never watched it, but I'm sure she was amazing. And, she was on promoting her autobiography and she talked about eating healthy. She's also 61 and looking good. Apparently she was also Jean Paul-Gaultier's muse before he was Jean Paul-Gaultier. I honestly want her life.
Hopefully, these recipes help you. We all have to eat and life is too short to eat food you don't enjoy. I don't know who the target audience of Bon Appetit, but something tells me it's upper middle class bored suburban housewife. I don't know who else could afford to make this.
The Greenest Smoothie
1 frozen Banana
1 cup of frozen Pineapple Pieces
1 cup of fresh Parsley
1 cup of Unsweetened Almond Milk
2 tablespoons of Almond Butter
2 tablespoons of Flaxseed Oil
1 teaspoon of Agave Nectar
1 teaspoon of Matcha
½ teaspoon of finely grated peeled Ginger
Puree all ingredients together. Sweeten with more agave if desired.
SIDE NOTE: I have no fucking idea what Matcha is.
Five Grain Porridge with Bee Pollen, Apples, and Coconut
½ cup of Brown Rice
½ cup of Quinoa
¼ cup of Amaranth
¼ cup of Millet
¼ cup of Wheat Bran
½ teaspoon of Kosher Salt
1 tablespoon of Virgin Cocount Oil
¼ cup of Unsweetened Coconut Flakes
1 cut into ¼ inch pieces Pink Lady
¼ teaspoon of Cinnamon
2 tablespoons of Honey
Heat coconut oil in a medium skillet over medium-high. Cook coconut flakes, stirring often, until toasted, 2 minutes, transfer to a plate.
Add apple, cinnamon, and 2 tablespoons of honey to skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until apples are browned in spots about 3 minutes.
Serve porridge topped with apples, coconut, sea salt, bee pollen, and a drizzle of honey if you like.
SIDE NOTE: I don't know in what world someone has time to make this for breakfast. This is some dystopian novel shit. Bon Appetit is forgetting that we live in a capitalist society. Unless I get a maid this is not getting made for breakfast. And, in what universe is bee pollen casually thrown into the title of a recipe. This is what white America is.
2 tablespoons of Vadouvan
2 finely grated Garlic Cloves
½ cup of Plain Whole Milk Greek Yogurt
5 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 pound of Small Carrots
¼ teaspoons of Turmeric
2 tablespoons of Lemon Juice
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Mix vadouvan, half of garlic, ¼ cup of yogurt, and 3 tablespoons of oil in a large bowl until smooth, season with salt and pepper. Add carrots and toss to coat. Roast on a rimmed baking sheet in a single layer, turning occasionally, until tender and lightly charred in spots. 25-30 minutes.
Meanwhile heat turmeric and remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in a small skillet over medium low swirling skillet, until fragrant, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat.
Whisk lemon juice, remaining garlic, and remaining ¼ cup of yogurt in a small bowl, season with salt and pepper.
Place carrots on a platter. Drizzle with yogurt mixture and turmeric oil and top with cilantro. Serve with lemon wedges.
SIDE NOTE: No, I don't know why there are quotations marks around tandoori.
2 cups of pitted Dates
¾ cup of raw Cocoa Powder
¾ cup of Unsweetened Shredded Coconut
¼ cup of Cocao Nibs
2 tablespoon of Agave Syrup
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
2 tablespoons of Water
Coat 8x8 baking pan with nonstick vegetable oil spray, line with parchement leaving overhang on all sides. Blend all ingredients in food processor until smooth. Press mixture firmly into pan. Cut into bars.