Everyone's favorite horror/comedy is back for it's second season. Emma Roberts, Billie Lourd, and Abigail Breslin are all reprising their roles as the Chanels. Last season left us with the Red Devil Killer looming over Chanel #1, knife in hand.
The writers assure us that there's a new killer this season and that the Red Devil is not “back”. The show has updated it's set from college to hospital. Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) is heading it up. Zayday Williams (Keke Palmer) is also back to help “save lives”.
All we've seen so far is a snippet of the Chanel's walking down a corridor, but this season is sure to be bloodier and sexier then before. That is if we're to trust Ryan Murphy.
One of the main creators behind the show, he's enlisted John Stamos, Colton Haynes, and Taylor Lautner all to join the cast. His taste in men is hardly awe inspiring, but it is worthy of a GQ shoot. They should all be filling roles as nurses/doctors at the new hospital respectively.
The new season is set three years after the Chanel's got thrown in jail. The year is now 2019 and we'll be able to see what the future looks like as soon as September 20th comes around. Set your TV's for 9:00. We'll have a new Scream Queens and we'll know who the president is.
You know Vogue as a fashion magazine. The inspiration for The Devils Wear Prada. What you probably didn't know was it's fascinating look on cuisine.
My subscription to Vogue is the only reason I live. I'm assuming you have seen supermodel Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift on the cover of this month's issue of Vogue. It is everything. You know the two of them are best friends and they share an apartment in New York City.
The food articles are usually hella long and either hella boring or hella interesting. As I said they don't expect anyone to actually cook anything. There just stories about food and they don't tell you much more then that. I pulled out the twelve issues of Vogue last year and I'm now sprawled out on the bed with seven issues opened to their respective articles.
As Vogue has no recipes. The recipes I give you will be related to the topic at hand, but not directly from the reading itself. One article I wanted to talk about was one on how to cook with marijuana. It was interesting and it essentially talked about how to use marijuana as a spice. That must have been in the September issue. I love you all, but I was not hunting through 856 pages of high gloss to find an article for you.
One article was literally three full pages on the benefits of the cast iron skillet. Jeffrey Steingarten. Sir you were stretching. That article did not need to be that long. Sit down.
Another consisted of a woman who hated dessert making the hardest dessert known to man that is super flaky and super hard to make that is called mille-feuille. It was a mess. Even if there was a recipe I would not give it to you. If I remember correctly it took like three days to make this bitch. Not worth the effort.
Another beauty of the Vogue empire was “Solid Gold” was the relatively short two page masterpiece on the intricacy of butter.
The final tantamount of journalism was an article entitled “Hop To It” that you guessed it is on how to cook and eat rabbit. Apparently it's a great idea for the future. Vogue endorses fur and bunny genoicide.
I guess what I'm trying to say is subscribe to Vogue.
Inspired by the Vogue article “Raw Power”
2 Anchovy Fillets
2 Cloves of peeled and rushed Garlic
1 teaspoon of Capers
2 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
Freshly ground Black Pepper
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1 pound of freshly ground Beef Tenderloin
1/4 cup minced Shallots
4 tablespoons of chopped Egg Whites
4 tablespoons chopped Egg Yolks
4 tablespoons of Red Onions
4 tablespoons of finely chopped fresh Parsley
8 slices of White Bread, crust removed, tossed in olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper and toasted
In a small wooden mixing bowl, combine the anchovy, capers and garlic. Using the back of a fork, crush the two and form a paste. Add the egg and mustard. Whisk well. Season with salt, pepper and Worcestershire sauce. Whisk in the oil, to form an emulsion. In a cold mixing bowl, combine the tenderloin and shallots. Season with salt and pepper. Add the emulsion and mix well. Form the tartare into 4 ounce rounds, about 1-inch thick. Place in the center of four cold plates. Garnish each with traditional garnishes. Serve with toast points.
Inspired by the Vogue article “Dairy Queen”
1 quart of 2% Milk
1/2 cup of Powdered Milk
1 to 2 tablespoons Honey
1/2 cup or room temperature Plain Yogurt
Pour the milk into a small saucepan and whisk in the powdered milk and honey. Place over medium heat and bring to 120 degrees F on an instant-read thermometer. Once the milk has reached has reached the target temperature, pour it into a cylindrical plastic container, reserving 1/2 cup. Whisk the reserved milk into the yogurt and add it back to the milk mixture.
Place the container into a narrow wine bucket lined with a heating pad. Set the heating pad to medium. Let the mixture ferment for 3 to 12 hours, making sure the temperature stays as close to 115 degrees F as possible.
After the fermentation is complete, refrigerate overnight.
Inspired by the Vogue article “Solid Gold”
½ cup of Butter
2 tablespoons of pureed Pear Preserves
½ teaspoon of finely chopped Rosemary
Mix the butter, pear preserves, and rosemary together until combined.
Inspired by the Vogue article “Hop To It”
Beer Basted Rabbit
3 pounds of Rabbit (Good luck finding it)
2 tablespoons of Garlic Salt
2 twelve fluid ounces of Beer
Preheat grill to medium high and lightly oil grate.
Place rabbit meat on heated grill and season with garlic salt. Pour beer into a medium bowl. Let meat cook 15 minutes, then start basting with beer every 10 minutes until done, about 30 minutes.
Although, I have slipped up with other people. I've called out Jenny in public before. It was okay, because there actually was a Jenny there. But, still that was awkward. I never talk to her and then I had to awkwardly stumble my way through conversation.
Today is actually Te Amo's birthday, except it isn't. Her birthday is the 22nd of January if I remember correctly and today's what the 27th? However, this is probably pretty close to when I did her surprise birthday party last year.
The entire time I was convinced that she knew. She did not know. May I suggest to everyone who does a surprise birthday party not to do it the way I did it. It was a smashing success, but that weekend was a mess.
Birthday's are time sensitive and that can't be helped, but the weekend I chose was the one I was doing my interview for college. It was this full ride scholarship, and I was like yes. I didn't get it. I failed miserably at the interview. It was rough. I had to get up at seven and I was there until about four in the afternoon on Saturday.
I was doing her birthday on Sunday, but I also had to go to this dinner with my neighbors that night. I was really over reaching. You go big or you go home. I had my layer cake recipe planned out. The numerous dips. You've got to blow up the balloons, and I suck it at. Not in the good way. I can't get the balloons up. That is my problem. I suck at sucking. Something my crush can never know.
Of course I had to clean as well. It was a real mess. I might have looked calm and collected, but on the inside I was Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada.
The guest list turned out really well. Basically everyone I told to come, came. I was insistent, I was like you need to be here. This is for Te Amo. People just love her. I wish I could be adored like Te Amo, but I am not willing to give up being a bitch so the masses like me. I could not pretend to like everyone and go about my business. It would not work for me.
She's a doll. I hope she had a great birthday. I didn't see her this year, because she's away at college. Passing, while I sit here struggling through the tears.
As I said I think Te Amo was surprised, but she wouldn't tell me if she wasn't. So, I will just imagine her surprise party went off without a hitch. It was a great gathering of people. There was conversation. People were talking. Everyone participated in a very violent game of Pictionary. It was great. The atmosphere was good. The music was good too. I have no idea what I put on, but I know Gaga came on at least once. Because, me and this one girl started singing “Sexxx Dreams” incredibly obnoxiously together.
Happy belated Birthday Te Amo. Being better then me in 2015.
Hot Spinach Artichoke Dip
1 cup of diced Onions
8 ounces of Sour Cream
8 ounces of Cream Cheese
14 ounces of chopped marinated Artichoke Hearts
15 ounces of chopped frozen Spinach
¼ cup of Butter
1 cup of grated Monterey Jack Cheese
1 cup of grated Parmesan
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Saute the onions in the butter until they are softened. Add the cream cheese, sour cream, and Monterey Jack cheese and stirring until cheese has melted.
Add the artichoke hearts and spinach, mixing well. Pour the mixture into a baking dish and top with additional cheese. Bake for 20 minutes or until the cheese is lightly browned.
1 quart of Grape Juice
1/3 cup of Lemon Juice
1 pint of Orange Juice
½ cup of Sugar
48 ounces of Ginger Ale
Combine the grape juice, lemon juice, orange juice, and sugar, mixing well.
Before serving, add the ginger ale, stirring well. Pour in ice
NOTE: If you would like to garnish the punch (I never do) you can use mint leaves, orange slices, and lemon slices.
Lemon Layer Cake
1 cup of Milk
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1 teaspoon of Almond Extract
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 ¾ cups of Sugar
4 teaspoons of Baking Powder
1 teaspoon of Salt
12 tablespoons of Butter
Lemon Curd Filling
1 cup of Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon of Unflavored Gelatin
1 ½ cups of Sugar
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
6 Egg Yolks
8 tablespoons of Butter
2 Egg Whites
1 cup of Sugar
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
1 tablespoon of Corn Syrup
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two 8 to 9 inch pans. Line bottoms with parchment paper.
Whisk the milk, egg whites, and both extracts together in a small bowl. In a large bowl, whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt together. Beat the butter into the flour mixture, one piece at a time, about 30 seconds. Continue to beat until it resembles moist crumbles. About 1-3 minutes.
Beat in all but ½ cup of the milk mixture, then increase the mixer speed until smooth, light, and fluffy, 1-3 minutes. Reduce the mixer speed to low and slowly beat in the remaining ½ cup of milk mixture until batter looks slightly curdled. About 15 seconds.
Make sure it is thoroughly combined and pour into prepared pans. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.
Let the cakes cool in the pans for 10 minutes. Run a small knife around the edge of the cakes and then flip them onto the wire rack. Peel off the parchment paper.
It will take 2 hours for the cakes to completely cool, so they can be frosted.
Lemon Curd Filling
Measure 1 tablespoon of the lemon juice into a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin over top. Cook the remaining lemon juice, sugar, and salt together in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is hot, about 1 minute. Do not boil.
In a large bowl whisk the egg yolks and eggs together until combined, then slowly whisk in the hot lemon mixture to temper. Return the mixture to the saucepan and cook over medium heat, until the mixture is thickened and a spatula scraped along the bottom leaves a trail. This should take 4-6 minutes and on an instant read thermometer it should say about 170 degrees.
Off the heat stir in the gelatin mixture until dissolved. Stir in the frozen butter until melted and incorporated. Strain the curd into a bowl and press plastic wrap directly on the surface. Refrigerate the curd for at least 4 hours.
Placing one cake on the cake plate spread the filling over the top. Place the remaining cake layer on top and press lightly to adhere.
NOTE: You can split both cakes in half. And, incorporate more layers. I find it to be difficult to do it this way, but I am also not skilled as a cook or a baker or anything kitchen related. So, live your life.
In a large bowl whisk all the ingredients together until combined. Set bowl over a large saucepan until combined. Set the bowl over a large saucepan of barely simmering water, making sure the water does not touch the bottom of the bowl. Heat the mixture, whisking constantly until it reads 160 degrees on an instant read thermometer. About 5-10 minutes.
Remove the bowl from the heat and whip the mixture for 5-7 minutes until stiff peaks form. Increase mixer speed and beat for another 5-7 minutes. Frost the cake with the icing.
The way I did was to pipe the icing into an even-ish formation on the cake. Then, I used a spoon to give it this wavy pattern. I'm not sure if that make sense, but it was very pretty. And, compared to most parts of this cake, it wasn't that hard to do.
The next holiday after Christmas is New Years Eve. This is a universal truth and I have taken inspiration from Charli XCX and her very catchy song “Break The Rules”. Get high. Get wrecked.
Now, you know the struggle is real for me when I do Tasty Tuesday's and I have done three in a row. I needed some divine inspiration. Also, I am not suggesting you get high on New Years Eve. That is a mess. You could get arrested. Pulled over. Go to jail. Don't do it.
I am also not a proponent of get drunk on New Years Eve. Or any day really. I am just an easily stressed out person. People take advantage of you when you're wasted and if your friends are wasted what kind of protection is that. It isn't any. I just can't drink to intoxication in public. At the same time. Live your life. Get turnt the fuck up. It is New Years Eve.
Mind you I am not of drinking age. This is not legal, but if I was going to get rat ass drunk. These are the alcoholic beverages I would make. Obviously I've never had any alcohol, because I am not 21. However, I am not really a straight up alcohol kind of person. I do not like beer or rum. I don't understand that. I was at a party and this girl asked me if I wanted some rum.
Really? Rum. That's the best you got there. I did turn her down. I was driving and I was not here for it. Let me quantify that my experience with parties is two. I have been to two real parties.
Boomer has more experience then me. WTF is that. Really. He doesn't drink either. He just dances really awkwardly and I'm just like, that's my baby. Honest to god he's so awkward, but I love it. He's also in love with a basic white girl. I might have told you this last week, but that's okay. Boomer has only been my best friend for ten years. I can tell him anything.
I did kind of step around telling him about my crush like I kind of did, but I also didn't. I was a practicing asexual for most of high school, and it wasn't until this summer that I was like it's actually okay for me to acknowledge that I'm attracted to people.
It's been the hardest thing for me to do. Just for me to be like side note, he's really hot. Has taken so much effort. Of course when it does strike midnight on New Year's. I for one would like a hardcore make out session with crush to occur.
This will not happen. First he's five years older then me. So, he will be drinking. Probably in a public place and let's say I was in the same place. I really don't want the first kiss with someone I like to be a sloppy drunken ritual that he just kind of did. I want him to be completely sober, for him to know it's me.
Speaking of alcohol, guess who almost spent all their money so they could go on a trip to Europe over spring break. Me. I did.
This made total sense in my mind. Because, the drinking age in Europe is lower or non existent. It made sense. I know I almost lost my mind. Not only was I going to spend all that money going to Europe, I would have had none left over.
¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
½ ounce of Tequila
1 ½ teaspoon of Grenadine Syrup
6 Ice Cubes
1 slice of Orange
Using a blender, blend the orange juice concentrate, tequila, and ice cubes together. Pour it into a glass and top it with the grenadine syrup and an orange slice.
1 cup of Coffee
1 tablespoon of Chocolate Chips
1 pinch of Cinnamon
1 pinch of Cardamom
2 teaspoons of Brown Sugar
¼ ounce of White Creme de Cacao
1 dollop of Whipped Cream
Stir the coffee, chocolate chips, cinnamon, cardamom, brown sugar, and crème de cacao together. Sppon a dollop of whipped cream over the top.
4 ounces of Orange Juice
1 ounce of Vodka
¾ ounces of Amaretto
2 teaspoon of Lime Juice
Shake all ingredients together with ice.
¼ ounce of Rum
¾ ounce of Pineapple Juice
2 teaspoons of Orange Juice
2 teaspoons of Lemon Juice
Shake all the ingredients together, with ice.
White Russian Shake
1/3 cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
2 tablespoons of Milk
1 ounce of Vodka
1/3 ounce of Kahlua
Using a blender, blend all ingredients together.
Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.
We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy.
Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.
As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down.
Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random.
The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas.
At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.
Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it.
Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.
I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well.
I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.
The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.
I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.
Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread
8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly
1 package of Crackers
Place the block of cream cheese on a platter.
Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese
Serve with crackers
Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
1 tablespoon of Orange Zest
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
5 Egg Yolks
¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1/3 cup of Cornstarch
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 cups of Berries
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees
Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out.
Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside.
Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.
Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate.
Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form.
Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.
Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon
¾ cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 tablespoons of Sugar
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees
Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside.
Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.
Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet.
Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside.
Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown.
Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.
1 cup of softened Butter
6 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews
1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar
1 ½ tablespoon of Milk
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.
Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended.
Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown.
Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.
Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of softened Butter
¾ cup of Sugar
¾ cup of Brown Sugar
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Chocolate Chips
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees
Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside.
Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended.
Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown.
Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.
Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate
2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate
8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder
1 ¼ cups of Sugar
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoons of Salt
1 cup of Flour
1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly.
In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated.
Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes.
Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils.
NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense.
Everything's a competition when you're raised by the television.