Category: Boyfriend

Rita Ora Set To Host ANTM Reboot

8/16/2016

Rita Ora has officially been announced as the new host of America's Next Top Model. The show was picked up by VH1. There's no official start date for the reality show, but this isn't Rita Ora's first time as a judge. She's hosted on both The Voice and The X-Factor in the United Kingdom.

Fashion fans shouldn't be in total fear. Tyra Banks promises that she'll be dropping in throughout the cycle. Rita Ora may be out of her professional depth critiquing models on their runway look but Tyra is sure to bolster the panel with seasoned professionals that will help Ora make the right call. All she needs to do is keep her face powdered and her comments bitchy but relateable.

Rita Ora is still working on her second album after problems with Jay Z's record label Roc Nation and has yet to break through commercially in the United States, except for her guest spot on Iggy Azalea's “Black Widow”. We'll see if her lead role on ANTM will be her pop culture breakthrough. It certainly wasn't her spin in 50 Shades of Grey or ripping Zac Efron's shirt off on national television. We'll be watching.

It should be noted that Rita's American breakthrough was stilted after former boyfriend Calvin Harris refused to let her perform “I Will Never Let You Down” on national televison. A song he wrote and produced for the singer. Petty.

Buy "I Will Never Let You Down"

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From Dinner... With Love

2/9/2016

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Valentine's Day is this Sunday. Or at least that's what I've been told.

Valentine's is a great holiday. It's spawned many wonderful movies. I think the movie Valentine's Day was very inspired by it. Also, the Valentine's Day Massacre. It's just a great day of love and having money spent on you. It's the first major holiday after the drunken, stumbling mess that is New Year's Eve.

I personally love Valentine's Day. I always celebrate. I wrote about it last year for this Tasty Tuesday. You can read that here. I bake a cake. I watch a romantic comedy. Alone. It's not as tragic as it sounds. This year I'm going into work. Yeah!!!

So, there I was in my MIS class, not listening to my professor, when I said to myself, what am I going to write about, basically what I always think when it comes to Tasty Tuesday's.

Then, it sort of stumbled upon me. What do people do on Valentine's Day? They usually go out to a nice dinner. Maybe see a play after that. There are flowers. Usually red roses. The man leaves a nice tip, unless we're stereotype breaking heterosexual couple or two nice lesbians. My favorite kind of couple personally.

Some of us cannot afford to go out. That's why I, your favorite blogger, am giving you a nice three course dinner to prepare for the night. It screams sex and love. Just don't get pregnant or an STD.

Recently, I've started spending a lot of time with couples. One of them broke up. It saves money in February, but the other two are intact. The gays are going to do something exciting I'm sure. I won't be there. I believe in third wheeling like all good single people, but I do draw the line once in a while. Occasionally I believe couples need “space” and to spend “alone time together”.

I've never dated over Valentine's Day, so I really don't know what the ritual is, but I'm not expecting them to fuck it up.

In the words of Erika Jayne, “I spend all of my time with gay men and strong women.”

That's why I'm surprised I spend as much as I do with this other couple. They're very heterosexual. I'm actually friends with the boyfriend in this relationship and I love that little shit (he's actually taller then me, but that's not the point) like a brother, but if anyone is going to fuck up Valentine's Day it's going to be him.

I'm wishing him the best of luck. I love their love. I ship them so hard it's ugly, but he's so straight it hurts and I'm watching this train wreck with my hand in front of my eyes.

I hope all of you spend this consumer holiday with the one's you love. Whether that be your dog or your cat. If not you can always hire an escort and prepare this dinner for them. Just make sure that the agency is reputable, because getting shanked on Valentine's Day is not the story you want your grand children hearing about you.

RECIPES:
Blarney Stones
4 Egg Yolks
1 cup of Sugar
3 tablespoons of Warm Water
1 cup of Flour
1/3 teaspoons of Baking Powder
4 Egg Whites

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Combine all of the ingrdients, mixing well. Pour the batter into a greased baking pan and bake for 25 minutes.

NOTE: Nothing screams romance like a bread product called “blarney stones”

Tournedos and Bearnaise Sauce
¼ cup of Tarragon Vinegar
½ cup of Water
2 teaspoon of Tarragon
1 tablespoon of slice Green Onions
3 Egg Yolks
½ cup of Butter
6 Filets of Beef
2 tablespoons of Butter
½ teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Pepper

Bearnaise Sauce
Combine the tarragon, vinegar, water, and green onion. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat, simmer, uncovered, for 8-10 minutes or until the liquid is reduced to ¼ cup. Strain the mixture into the top of a double boiler.

With a wire whisk, beat in the egg yolks. Cook over hot, boiling water, beating constantly, until the mixture begins to thicken. Beat in the ½ cup of butter, 1 tablespoon of thyme, beating well after each addition. Keep warm. Add just enough cold water to the hot water in the bottom of the double boiler to make it lukewarm.

Filets
Brush the filets with 2 tablespoons of butter and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Broil for 5 minutes, turn, and brush with remaining butter, salt, and pepper. Broil for another 5 minutes.

Serve with Bearnaise sauce poured over the top.

NOTE: Perfect for the carnivorous appetite of your lover.

Isn't this romantic?

Mexican Wedding Cake
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
20 ounces of crushed Pineapple (Do not drain)
2 Eggs
3 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1-2 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees

Combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, crushed pineapple, and eggs beating well. Pour the batter into a prepared cake pan, and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean

NOTE: Included in last year's Tasty Tuesday, this is the perfect closer for your meal, so your lover knows what your true intentions are with them.

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Peanut Butter Jelly Time

12/1/2015

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It's 4:00 in the morning when I was asked, “Do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?”

This all started the night before. I was going bowling as one does. It was for charity and I was with the President and his boyfriend. I think I did a great job bowling personally. Everyone said that I “bowl angry.” They said that I “throw the bowl down the lane.” And as I said to them “Isn't the point to get the ball down the lane.”

It was amazing. First game I was in 4th place. Second game slipped into 5th. There were five of us bowling. I guttered it multiple. Honestly, the worst part of bowling is that they make you wear flats.

After this nightmare, he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his boyfriend. I was like of course. I enjoy their company. I had nothing better to do with my life. And, unbeknownst to me at the time I'd lost my keys.

It was honestly such a great night. We watched Kill Bill. His friends came over. Did a few shots of tequila. I the innocent homosexual does not like tequila and enjoyed my refreshing glass of water. In the words of the boy who did six shots of tequila, “I'm not drunk man! You don't even know me.”

They played Super Mario Smash Brothers at some point. I played a game. As Peach. I did a terrible job, but with my inability to get into the action I ended up in second place. The thing I learned that night is that straight boys like to use the word “pussy” a lot. It was a lot for me to handle.

We also baked chocolate chip cookies. I ate the raw cookie dough of Toll House and I'm sure everyone was disappointed that I didn't die of salmonella poisoning. Maybe next time.

It was after everyone left. At 4:00 in the morning that I was asked if I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I said yes. I am allergic to peanut butter, but not in the way that if I come in contact with it I'm going to die.

It turned out that there was enough strawberry jam for two sandwiches and I ended up with two slices of bread and nutella. It made me feel like a Belgian school boy. That is how life is supposed to be. This is what college is about.

Six hours later. 10:00 am I start to think about life. What really is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich other then a comforting reminder of your childhood. A quick midnight snack. I felt inspired.

As a child I always had a peanut butter sandwich for elementary school. I wasn't progressive enough for jelly. The crusts were always cut off. I would have my capri sun. Maybe an apple sauce if I was feeling particularly feisty that day.

That's what inspired me to compile recipes that reflect what a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is. It's a feeling.

And, in exciting news. After realizing I lost my keys and getting home at 2:00 in the afternoon, my parents now think I fucked my dear friend. If only they knew how G rated my night was.

RECIPES:
Peanut Butter and Jelly Oatmeal
1/2 cup of Water
1/2 cup of Milk
Salt
1/3 cup of Oats
1 tablespoon of Sugar
2 tablespoons of Peanut Butter
1 tablespoon of Jelly

In a medium saucepan, bring the water and milk to a boil. Add the oats and salt.
Reduce heat and simmer for five minutes. Allow it to sit for 1 minute.

Stir in the sugar ,peanut butter and jelly.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Cocktail
2 ounces of Vodka
1 ounce of Strawberry Puree
1 ounce of Hazelnut Liqueur
1 ounce of Black Currant Liqueur
1 Whole Strawberry

Fill a shaker with ice cubes. Add all ingredients. Shake and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a strawberry.

The Classic
2 Slices of Bread
Peanut Butter
Jelly

Get your two slices of bread and make it as peanuty or jelly like as you need for 4:00 in the morning.

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Doughnut Gate

8/11/2015

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I'm here today to give you the dish on Ariana Grande and a recipe or two on how to make donuts. I just want everyone to know that it bothers me that the plural of doughnut is donuts. Why all those letters be missing.

At this point you should know about Doughnut Gate. It's been a good bit of time and as per usual I had no idea what to blog about today.

This is the scene. Ariana is out with her boyfriend/back up dancer at a doughnut shop where they both dare each other to lick donuts. That they are not buying. You know Ariana is on the Honeymoon Tour right now. She's had a massive amount of hits from My Everything and I guess she decided she needed a man.

My first problem is that she's dating her back up dancer. This is such an early 2000's trend. Dating your back up dancer is not a good idea. Britney and Kevin. Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smarts (although they're still together). Sure, Madonna dated her back up dancer a few years ago, but they were having sex. They weren't 'dating'.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline

Madonna and Jesus Luz

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smarts

That's what Ariana needs to learn. You have sex with the hunky male back up dancer. Do some crazy positions when you've had too much too drink and put him back on the shelf when the tour is over. Maybe even confide something to him to make him feel special. A serious relationship is not what this boy is for.

Also, the fact that this boy is not famous is the root of the problem. Big Sean would not have been caught dead in public being a freak with Ariana. But, this no name Ricky Alvarez is acting like the dumb twenty year old he is. He has nothing to lose. Ariana does.

Now honestly all these people are surprised and appalled. They also can't believe she doesn't love America. Sit down all of you. If you haven't said you hate America at some point in your life, your not even a true American. These people are also the casual fans who only knows the hits. I mean that's all I know, but I do my research. Ariana is a bit of a freak. She is going to sex it up in the future. And, I'm sure a doughnut is one of the most respectable places she's ever put her tongue.

People are so up in arms about this spit exchange and honestly I'm just not offended. Let's be real. The people who prepare our food do worse things then that. Ariana wasn't sick and neither was this boy toy. Whoever consumed this doughnut is not going to die of malaria from it.

The real question is if I would feel this way if this was Joe at the butcher shop down the street. No. I would be irritated. But, if you ingest Ariana Grande's spit. That's A-List celebrity grade saliva. You have been blessed. I don't want to take in D-List non-celebrity Ricky Alvarez's DNA.

The truth of the matter is. People are going to forget about this in ten years. In one and we all bought My Everything all ready. We've already invested. We might as well stay on the Ariana train. Because, it's not stopping anytime soon.

RECIPES:
Yeast Donuts
2 ¾ cups of Flour
1 packet of Instant Yeast
3 tablespoons of Sugar
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Whole Milk (Warmed from 105-115 degrees)
1 ½ teaspoons of Pure Vanilla Extract
3 Egg Yolks
4 tablespoons of Butter
Vegetable Oil

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, stir together 2 cups of the flour, the yeast, sugar, and salt. Add the warm milk, vanilla, and egg yolks. Mix until smooth. Add the remaining flour and the butter and mix until incorporated. Continue to mix on medium speed until the dough is soft and smooth (it will be slightly sticky).

Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set in a draft-free place to rise for 1 hour, or refrigerate for up to 12 hours.

Lightly flour 2 baking sheets. Roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface and cut with a floured donut cutter or a 3- to 3-1/2-inch biscuit cutter (for the latter, you’ll also need a 1-1/2-inch biscuit cutter to form the donut holes). Discard the dough scraps, or cut into pieces to fry separately after the donuts are done, as snacks.

Place the donuts and donut holes at least 1 inch apart on the baking sheets and cover loosely with plastic wrap. Set in a warm place to rise a second time until they are puffy and nearly double in size, about 15 to 30 minutes.

The donuts are ready when the dough springs back slowly after being touched with a fingertip (if it springs back at once, it needs more time; if it collapses, it has overproofed and you can reroll the dough and cut it once).

While the donuts rise, fill a large, heavy-bottomed pot with at least 2 inches of oil (the oil should not come more than halfway up the sides of the pan). Heat over medium-high heat until a deep-frying thermometer registers 360°F. Using a spatula, carefully lower a few donuts into the oil; do not crowd the pot. Fry for 1 to 2 minutes per side, turning a few times, until the donuts are a light golden brown and cooked through.

Remove with a spider or slotted spoon, drain on a wire rack over a paper towel, and let cool slightly before glazing or tossing in sugar.

Serve the donuts as is (warm is best), tossed in powdered sugar when cool.

Donut Zeppole
1 pound of Pizza Dough (store bought)
Canola Oil
¼ cup of Powdered Sugar

Cut the dough into 10 pieces.

With your hands, form balls about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Allow to rise about 45 minutes.

Deep fry in canola oil until cooked through and brown, about 3 to 4 minutes.

Drain on paper towels, sprinkle with powdered sugar, and serve warm.

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Eat A Hamburger

6/15/2015

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I'm practically a vegetarian. It's not that I don't eat meat. It's that I don't make it for myself. If I am home alone, I am not cooking meat. I'm surprised I haven't died because of my lack of protein. Black and Sacajawea are both vegetarians and I honestly feel connected to them in that way. If it is just in spirit.

I had a cheeseburger recently when I went out with Joyce to see Pitch Perfect 2 (for the second time). It had bacon, Swiss cheese, the lettuce, the tomato, and sauerkraut. It was surprisingly amazing. Joyce got the same thing. I didn't know about this and when we were ordering I was like what the actual fuck.

I am not skilled at eating even though I've been doing it for 19 years. This burger went every which way, but it was glorious. I couldn't even get most of it in my mouth. Something I should file under things my boyfriend shouldn't know. Joyce did a decidedly better job and it made me hate her just a little bit.

This was my first experience with meat in weeks and it's only because I'd gone out in public. Legitimately after I finish writing this, I'm going to go to the kitchen. Wash up some carrots, steam them, and call it lunch. I don't eat meat.

Five days after this. It is the twins birthday. Obviously I had to celebrate with them. We all went out to this hamburger place in town. Somehow I ended up driving four people there. I don't know how that happened. Of course I was the life of the party. It was an eclectic group of people. They really were a lot of fun.

It hit me during this meal that I was eating yet another hamburger in the space of the week. This one was more manageable to fit into my mouth and for some reason it was on Texas toast. I wasn't complaining. Sacajawea actually loves this place, because they have vegetarian options for the patty. So, I actually could have continued my vegetarianism.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was their heterosexual male friend. The twins were like your going to like him. And, I was like doubtful. He actually was very nice. And, as the youngest person there he was the only one dating someone and it honestly made me a little upset. But, I'm not salty.

Actually the best thing that happened was when I spilled ketchup all over my jeans. It was definitely a fuck moment. Of course we went out after the burgers to get milkshakes at a totally unrelated place. I'm sure no one noticed the red outline on my black jeans.

This is where the other gay friend of the twins makes his entrance. Up to this point I had been the cutest boy there. I'm not going to compete with the hipster heterosexual. And, to be fair I was still the cutest gay boy there. He had on this shirt that had “Dunce” blazoned across it. It was like a jersey. It said “Dunce” and then the number 50. And, I just looked up what a dunce means and it says “a person who is slow at learning, a stupid person”. Well, boo you stupid for wearing that shirt.

There honestly wasn't anything that went right with this outfit. He also had on Tom's which by themselves are not a bad thing. But, he had on knee high socks with them. And, I've seen him before with ballet socks, so I'm like bitch. Then, he has on shorts. Also not the biggest problem. But, they're those tacky jeans cut off at the knee and they don't even make his ass look good. The entire moment was who let you walk out of the house this way.

Needless to say there's no animosity lost between the two of us. We're basically the epitome of best friends.

I say all of this to offer you the hamburger recipes I grew up with as a child. Enjoy. Embrace them. They are the Utonium family stronghold.

RECIPES:
All American Burgers
1 lb. Ground Beef
1 chopped Green Onion
1 minced clove of Garlic
1 tablespoon of Soy Sauce
½ tsp. Pepper
1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
¼ teaspoon of salt

Combine all ingredients; form into patties.

Grill

Beef & Tomato Burger
1 pound of Ground Beef
1 tablespoon of Sun-Dried Tomatoes
1 teaspoon of Lemon Zest
¼ cup of Mayonnaise
2 tablespoons of Fresh Basil
1 seeded and chopped Jalapeno
4 Onion Hamburger Buns
Fresh Spinach

Combine ground beef, tomatoes, and lemon zest. Shape into 4 patties. Grill until done.

To make the sauce, combine the mayonnaise and jalapeno pepper.

Town Burgers
1-2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
2 pounds of Ground Beef
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper
1 tablespoon of Butter
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
4 English Muffins
4 slices of Tomato

Form burgers, then season generously with salt and pepper on both sides. Wipe down skillet with olive oil before heating over medium-high heat. Char the burgers well on both sides, about 4 minutes per side. Just before the burgers are done, remove them to a wire rack to rest for 5 minutes.

Divide the butter evenly on each burger and sprinkle with a little parsley. While the burgers are resting, toast the English Muffins. Return the burgers to heat through. Place a burger on each muffin and top with a tomato slice.

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Rita Ora Set To Host ANTM Reboot

From Dinner... With Love

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Doughnut Gate

Eat A Hamburger

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