VH1 has been pulling through on quality television. Not only have they put the smelling salts under the nose of America's Next Top Model, but they've green lit Daytime Divas. It will take viewers behind the scenes of a fictional daytime television panel sometime in 2017. The show is based off Satan's Sisters, a novel by Star Jones, former View co-host who's had more then a contentious relationship with some of her on air compatriots. The show should trade on vicious characterizations of some of Star's frenemies. It remains unclear which character will play a conservative Elizabeth Hassleback type character. Although, Vanessa Williams lead role is clearly meant to emulate that of Barbra Walters. |
With Vanessa Williams leading the cast Daytime Divas has high expectations set upon it. Snappy writing. Self deprecating comedy. Pithy attacks on former cohosts. The show will have it all to the culturally well endowed. The show will also feature star studded spots from Eve, Tichina Arnold, Kristen Johnston, and music legend Patti Labelle.
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Last holiday cycle I got incredibly sick after exam week and spent most of my time on the couch or in bed with a box of tissues and a plate of cookies. Cardamon, sugar, chocolate chips. The works. These did not help me get better. I would have rather overdosed on Vitamin C.
Personally, I am offended by Santa Claus and his outrageous standards that he forces upon us. What about the poor children whose parents can't afford cookies. This is a classist system Santa Claus has put us under. He is discriminating against the impoverished children of the world.
There was even a What's Happening Wednesday post on my reflection on it. I posted it in January. That's how nonexistent my life is that I had to write about a past experience. You can read about that if you want to (read here). Of course I could have written about the funeral I went to.
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RECIPES:
Festive Oatmeal Cookies 1 ½ cups of Flour 1 teaspoon of Baking Soada ½ teaspoon of Baking Powder ½ teaspoon of Salt ½ teaspoon of Cinnamon 1/8 teaspoon of Cloves 1 cup of Butter 1 cup of Brown Sugar 1 Egg 1 ½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 2 cups of Oat ½ cup of Golden Raisins ½ cup of White Chocolate Chips Make sure to preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and cloves. Set aside. Cream the butter and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended. Stir in the oats, raisins, and white chocolate chips. Drop by the teaspoonful onto a parchment lined baking sheet, baking for 13-15 minutes until golden brown.
Hershey's Kiss Cookies
1 cup of Butter 3 ounces of Cream Cheese 1 cup of Sugar 1 Egg Yolk 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extracct 2 ½ cup of Flour ½ package of Hershey Kisses Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Cream the butter, cream cheese, and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg yolk, and almond extract, beating until it is well blended. Add the flour, mixing well. Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll into balls. Roll the dough into 1 inch balls, then roll them in sugar, and place them on a greased baking sheet. Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in sugar. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until they are light brown. Remove the cookies to a wire rack, immediately placing a Hershey kiss into each one.
Millionaire Shortbread
1 ½ cup of Butter 2 ¾ cup of Flour ½ cup of Sugar 14 ounces of Sweetened Condensed Milk ¼ cup of Light Corn Syrup 1 cup of Brown Sugar Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Using a food processor, pulse together 1 cup of the butter, flour, and sugar until it is crumbly. Press the mixture into a prepared baking pan and bake for 18 minutes or until is is lightly golden. Meanwhile, combine the remaining ½ cup of butter, sweetened condensed milk, and light corn syrup, heating until the butter has melted. Turn the heat to low, add the brown sugar, and cook, stirring constantly until it begins to thicken. Pour the caramel evenly over the shortbread and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.
Pecan Cookies
1 ½ cups of Flour ½ teaspoon of Baking Soda ½ teaspoon of Baking Powder 1 cup of Butter 1 cup of Brown Sugar 1 cup of Sugar 2 Eggs 1/3 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 1/3 teaspoon of Butter Extract 1/3 teaspoon of Nut Extract 2 cups of Oat 1 ½ cup of Crispy Cereal 1 cup of chopped Pecans Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Combine the flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside. Cream the butter, molasses, brown sugar, and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs, vanilla extract, butter extract, and nut extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended. Stir in the oats, crispy cereal, and pecans, mixing well. Shape the dough into rolls, and refrigerate for 2 hours. Slice the dough into ¼ inch slices, and place them on a lightly greased baking sheet. Bake for 12-14 minutes or until they are light brown. Remove the cookies to wire racks to cool. ![]()
The next holiday after Christmas is New Years Eve. This is a universal truth and I have taken inspiration from Charli XCX and her very catchy song “Break The Rules”. Get high. Get wrecked.
Now, you know the struggle is real for me when I do Tasty Tuesday's and I have done three in a row. I needed some divine inspiration. Also, I am not suggesting you get high on New Years Eve. That is a mess. You could get arrested. Pulled over. Go to jail. Don't do it. I am also not a proponent of get drunk on New Years Eve. Or any day really. I am just an easily stressed out person. People take advantage of you when you're wasted and if your friends are wasted what kind of protection is that. It isn't any. I just can't drink to intoxication in public. At the same time. Live your life. Get turnt the fuck up. It is New Years Eve.
Mind you I am not of drinking age. This is not legal, but if I was going to get rat ass drunk. These are the alcoholic beverages I would make. Obviously I've never had any alcohol, because I am not 21. However, I am not really a straight up alcohol kind of person. I do not like beer or rum. I don't understand that. I was at a party and this girl asked me if I wanted some rum. Really? Rum. That's the best you got there. I did turn her down. I was driving and I was not here for it. Let me quantify that my experience with parties is two. I have been to two real parties. ![]()
Boomer has more experience then me. WTF is that. Really. He doesn't drink either. He just dances really awkwardly and I'm just like, that's my baby. Honest to god he's so awkward, but I love it. He's also in love with a basic white girl. I might have told you this last week, but that's okay. Boomer has only been my best friend for ten years. I can tell him anything.
I did kind of step around telling him about my crush like I kind of did, but I also didn't. I was a practicing asexual for most of high school, and it wasn't until this summer that I was like it's actually okay for me to acknowledge that I'm attracted to people. It's been the hardest thing for me to do. Just for me to be like side note, he's really hot. Has taken so much effort. Of course when it does strike midnight on New Year's. I for one would like a hardcore make out session with crush to occur.
This will not happen. First he's five years older then me. So, he will be drinking. Probably in a public place and let's say I was in the same place. I really don't want the first kiss with someone I like to be a sloppy drunken ritual that he just kind of did. I want him to be completely sober, for him to know it's me.
Speaking of alcohol, guess who almost spent all their money so they could go on a trip to Europe over spring break. Me. I did. This made total sense in my mind. Because, the drinking age in Europe is lower or non existent. It made sense. I know I almost lost my mind. Not only was I going to spend all that money going to Europe, I would have had none left over.
RECIPES:
Artic Sunrise ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate ½ ounce of Tequila 1 ½ teaspoon of Grenadine Syrup 6 Ice Cubes 1 slice of Orange Using a blender, blend the orange juice concentrate, tequila, and ice cubes together. Pour it into a glass and top it with the grenadine syrup and an orange slice. Cafe Chocolate 1 cup of Coffee 1 tablespoon of Chocolate Chips 1 pinch of Cinnamon 1 pinch of Cardamom 2 teaspoons of Brown Sugar ¼ ounce of White Creme de Cacao 1 dollop of Whipped Cream Stir the coffee, chocolate chips, cinnamon, cardamom, brown sugar, and crème de cacao together. Sppon a dollop of whipped cream over the top.
Swinger
4 ounces of Orange Juice 1 ounce of Vodka ¾ ounces of Amaretto 2 teaspoon of Lime Juice Shake all ingredients together with ice. Upton ¼ ounce of Rum ¾ ounce of Pineapple Juice 2 teaspoons of Orange Juice 2 teaspoons of Lemon Juice Shake all the ingredients together, with ice.
White Russian Shake
1/3 cup of Vanilla Ice Cream 2 tablespoons of Milk 1 ounce of Vodka 1/3 ounce of Kahlua Using a blender, blend all ingredients together.
Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.
We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy. ![]()
Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.
As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down. Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random. The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas.
At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.
Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it. ![]()
Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.
I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well. I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.
The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.
I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.
RECIPES: Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread 8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese ½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly 1 package of Crackers Place the block of cream cheese on a platter. Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese Serve with crackers ![]()
Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter 1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate 1 tablespoon of Orange Zest ½ teaspoon of Salt 1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar 5 Eggs 5 Egg Yolks ¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 2 cups of Flour 1/3 cup of Cornstarch 1 teaspoon of Baking Powder 1 cup of Heavy Cream 2 cups of Berries Preheat the oven to 325 degrees Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out. Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside. Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate. Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form. Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.
Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour 1 teaspoon of Baking Powder 1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon ¾ cup of softened Butter 1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar 1 Egg 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 2 tablespoons of Sugar Preheat the oven to 375 degrees Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside. Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended. Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet. Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside. Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown. Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.
Cashew Dreams
1 cup of softened Butter 6 tablespoons of Sugar 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 2 cups of Flour 1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews 1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar 1 ½ tablespoon of Milk ½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended. Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown. Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.
Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour 1 teaspoon of Baking Soda ½ teaspoon of Salt 1 cup of softened Butter ¾ cup of Sugar ¾ cup of Brown Sugar 2 Eggs 2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract 2 cups of Chocolate Chips Preheat the oven to 375 degrees Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside. Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended. Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown. Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.
Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate 2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate 8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter 3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder 1 ¼ cups of Sugar 3 Eggs 2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract ½ teaspoons of Salt 1 cup of Flour 1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly. In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes. Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils. NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense. |
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