Miss Sara Bellum says to me, “You should write a Taystee Tuesday.”
Recently, she introduced me to Orange Is The New Black. I don't have Netflix, so she said we should watch it together. I can't express how much I loved it. We only got through three episodes the first day, and I immediately went out and bought the first season, so I could keep watching without her.
Now, I'm on the ninth episode of season two. I'm actually going over to Miss Sara Bellum's to finish season two today. My heart is palpitating.
Taystee is one of my favorite characters. Strong, independent. Fierce. She's a major part of one of the four major factions within Orange Is The New Black. She's part of the “Ghetto” along with Poussey (Taystee's lesbian best friend), Burset (Transgender hair dresser), Black Cindy, Suzanne “Crazy Eyes”, and Vee (Queen bitch of the Ghetto)
As all this is going on, the people running Litchfield prison are robbing the place, having sex with inmates, letting people get attacked on Christmas. Shit is getting real. They give no fucks.
Let's also not forget that Piper, is thinking about getting it on with her ex-girlfriend Alex who sent her to prison. As if that's acceptable. She's still engaged to Larry (Who wants to get it on with her best friend while she's in prison). The only redeeming quality behind this is the fact that Laura Prepon's eyebrows are always on point.
The only person who you might call normal is the guard “Bennett” and he willingly hung out with Pornstache outside of work. The man's nickname is Pornstache for God's sake.
- Crazy Eyes on how to eat prison food
These are just the highlights mind you. I haven't even really digged deep into this show. I haven't even mentioned Miss Claudette who's the coldest bitch. And, I love it.
But, I can't lose sight of why were here today. You need some good recipes. If you ever plan on going to prison. I got you covered.
Prepare a crust of graham cruckers mixed with four pats of margarine, stolen from the dining hall. Bake it in a Tupperware bowl for about a minute in the microwave and allow to cool and harden.
Take one full round of laughing cow cheese, smash with a fork, and mix with a cup of vanilla pudding until smooth. Gradually mix in one whole container of cremora, even though it seems gross. Beat viciously until smooth. Add lemon juice from the squeeze bottle until the mixture starts to stiffen.
NOTE: This will use most of plastic lemon
Pour into the bowl atop the crust and put on ice in your bunkie's cleaning bucket to chill until ready to eat.
USE: To prove you can still be culinary in prison.
Mix a can of Cherry Dr. Pepper with instant coffee, cocoa, cappuccino mix, a carton of milk, and some leftover sugar packets to make a drink that tastes as close to cognac as you will get in prison. I would not let this one ferment.
USE: To mourn the loss of a good friend and/or get drunk
1 King Cone
Found in Commissary
USE: It's better then anything you've been making.
1 Slice of Pie
You throw the pie
USE: Demonstration of your love for someone
Follow directions on cake box, put icing on top, cover with funfetti
USE: Trade it in for some stale cigarettes
You must find a smart chicken so you can kill it and absorb all it's powers
USE: You probably won't be using this one
1 Used Tampon
2 Slices of Bread
Laying one slice of bread down, you put the used tampon in the middle, and cover it with the other slice of bread.
USE: Given to anyone who disrespects your food.