Eat A Hamburger

I'm practically a vegetarian. It's not that I don't eat meat. It's that I don't make it for myself. If I am home alone, I am not cooking meat. I'm surprised I haven't died because of my lack of protein. Black and Sacajawea are both vegetarians and I honestly feel connected to them in that way. If it is just in spirit.

I had a cheeseburger recently when I went out with Joyce to see Pitch Perfect 2 (for the second time). It had bacon, Swiss cheese, the lettuce, the tomato, and sauerkraut. It was surprisingly amazing. Joyce got the same thing. I didn't know about this and when we were ordering I was like what the actual fuck.  

I am not skilled at eating even though I've been doing it for 19 years. This burger went every which way, but it was glorious. I couldn't even get most of it in my mouth. Something I should file under things my boyfriend shouldn't know. Joyce did a decidedly better job and it made me hate her just a little bit.

This was my first experience with meat in weeks and it's only because I'd gone out in public. Legitimately after I finish writing this, I'm going to go to the kitchen. Wash up some carrots, steam them, and call it lunch. I don't eat meat.

Five days after this. It is the twins birthday. Obviously I had to celebrate with them. We all went out to this hamburger place in town. Somehow I ended up driving four people there. I don't know how that happened. Of course I was the life of the party. It was an eclectic group of people. They really were a lot of fun.

It hit me during this meal that I was eating yet another hamburger in the space of the week. This one was more manageable to fit into my mouth and for some reason it was on Texas toast. I wasn't complaining. Sacajawea actually loves this place, because they have vegetarian options for the patty. So, I actually could have continued my vegetarianism.  

The biggest surprise of the night for me was their heterosexual male friend. The twins were like your going to like him. And, I was like doubtful. He actually was very nice. And, as the youngest person there he was the only one dating someone and it honestly made me a little upset. But, I'm not salty.

Actually the best thing that happened was when I spilled ketchup all over my jeans. It was definitely a fuck moment. Of course we went out after the burgers to get milkshakes at a totally unrelated place. I'm sure no one noticed the red outline on my black jeans.

This is where the other gay friend of the twins makes his entrance. Up to this point I had been the cutest boy there. I'm not going to compete with the hipster heterosexual. And, to be fair I was still the cutest gay boy there. He had on this shirt that had “Dunce” blazoned across it. It was like a jersey. It said “Dunce” and then the number 50. And, I just looked up what a dunce means and it says “a person who is slow at learning, a stupid person”. Well, boo you stupid for wearing that shirt.

There honestly wasn't anything that went right with this outfit. He also had on Tom's which by themselves are not a bad thing. But, he had on knee high socks with them. And, I've seen him before with ballet socks, so I'm like bitch. Then, he has on shorts. Also not the biggest problem. But, they're those tacky jeans cut off at the knee and they don't even make his ass look good. The entire moment was who let you walk out of the house this way.

Needless to say there's no animosity lost between the two of us. We're basically the epitome of best friends. 

I say all of this to offer you the hamburger recipes I grew up with as a child. Enjoy. Embrace them. They are the Utonium family stronghold.  

RECIPES:
All American Burgers 
1 lb. Ground Beef
1 chopped Green Onion
1 minced clove of Garlic
1 tablespoon of Soy Sauce
½ tsp. Pepper
1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
¼ teaspoon of salt

Combine all ingredients; form into patties.

Grill

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Beef & Tomato Burger
1 pound of Ground Beef
1 tablespoon of Sun-Dried Tomatoes
1 teaspoon of Lemon Zest
¼ cup of Mayonnaise
2 tablespoons of Fresh Basil
1 seeded and chopped Jalapeno
4 Onion Hamburger Buns
Fresh Spinach

Combine ground beef, tomatoes, and lemon zest. Shape into 4 patties. Grill until done.

To make the sauce, combine the mayonnaise and jalapeno pepper.

Town Burgers
1-2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
2 pounds of Ground Beef
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper
1 tablespoon of Butter
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
4 English Muffins
4 slices of Tomato

Form burgers, then season generously with salt and pepper on both sides. Wipe down skillet with olive oil before heating over medium-high heat. Char the burgers well on both sides, about 4 minutes per side. Just before the burgers are done, remove them to a wire rack to rest for 5 minutes.

Divide the butter evenly on each burger and sprinkle with a little parsley. While the burgers are resting, toast the English Muffins. Return the burgers to heat through. Place a burger on each muffin and top with a tomato slice.