Category: Cook

Ray Not Roy

5/17/2016

The most recent question on the tip of everyone's tongue is, “who is Becky with the good hair?” Iggy Azalea says its a racist slur against white people and Beyonce is letting us read between the lines while Drakes lays out the name and social security of the girls that have wronged him on Views.

The beyhive in it's confusion to attack the mistress of Hip Hop mogul Jay-Z, mistakenly went for Rachael Ray. TV show host, cook, innocent victim. The beyhive was looking for Rachel Roy, relatively unknown fashion designer. The woman who is rumored to be behind the Solange/Jay Z elevator assault a few years ago.

Rachael Roy and her obscurity seem to be the most likely bet for “Becky with the good hair”, especially with her questionable instagram captions. Although, Jay-Z protege Rita Ora has been side eyed. She's gorgeous and she has good hair. But, I digress.

With the recent attacks on Rachel Ray, I thought there was a need for some good will.

Rachael Ray was heralded and lauded by Oprah and much like her book club it was a major success. The last time I watched Rachael Ray's show was when Hilary and Hailey Duff was on, but that's beside the point. Anything Oprah recommends has to be good. Oprah is so amazing that I don't even feel like I'm qualified to follow her on twitter.

My great aunt really loves Rachael Ray's show. Of course my aunt loves anything and everything that could be on TV. Even televangelists.
I've always found Rachael Ray to be overflowing with personality and pep. She's like the cool Aunt who might be a little cool, but she's also fun. Like you can make a mess in her kitchen and she just grabs a paper towel and feeds you a bowl of uncooked cookie dough batter. You feel me. I think we'd get it.

She's also a lying bitch.

Fuck her and all of those 30 minute meals. Now I say this with love and affection. But, this bitch. These are not 30 minutes meals if I have to prep something for 4 hours before. Now I understand you've got to have your brand and easy, suburban realness is her aesthetic, I just don't have 4.5 hours to be in the kitchen or preparing for a meal.

My mother bought her cookbook. Maybe one? Maybe two? I really don't go in her cupboards, but I know my mother has some of her books.

I don't think that Rachael should be too upset over this Rachel Roy mix up. It's good for business. People are laughing. Having a good time and if your going to be publicly harassed it might as well be on the grounds that you have “good hair.”

I wish Rachael Ray all the best. I won't be watching, but all those nice nursing homes and houses on the outskirts of LA county have to have something to watch and I support that.

RECIPES:
Strawberry Lemonade
1 Pint of Strawberries
Fresh Mint
1/2 cup of Sugar
6 cups of Mineral Water
12 juiced Lemons

Add the berries and mint to a glass pitcher and muddle with a wooden spoon.

In a large pot, add the sugar, to taste, and 2/3 cup of water. Cook over medium heat until the sugar dissolves. Pour over the strawberries.

Stir in the lemon juice and fill the pitcher with the remaining water. Chill or pour over ice and serve.

Honey Vanilla Lemonade
2 cups of Sugar
1/2 cup of Honey
2 cups of Water
1 Vanilla Bean
2 1/2 cups of fresh Lemon Juice

In a large saucepan, combine the sugar, honey and two cups water and place over medium-high heat. Cut the vanilla bean in half lengthwise, then, using the back of the knife, scrape the vanilla seeds from the pod and add to the saucepan, along with the pod. Bring the mixture to a boil and cook for 4-5 minutes, until the sugar is dissolved and the mixture thickens. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

Put the lemon juice into a gallon jug or pitcher. Pour the sugar syrup through a strainer into the pitcher and discard the pod. Add water to equal one gallon and stir well.

Serve over ice

Ginger Lemonade
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Water
2 cups of fresh Lemon Juice
1/4 cup of thinly slice Ginger

Combined the sugar, water and ginger in a small pot and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Let the sugar dissolve but not caramelize.

While the sugar water comes up to a boil, squeeze the lemons into a pitcher, discarding the seeds and rind. Add ice to the lemon juice until it comes about halfway up the sides of the pitcher. Strain the ginger-infused sugar syrup into the lemon juice then top it off with some water.

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How To Eat Healthy 2015

6/2/2015

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Everyone is like “eat healthy”, “don't eat ten bags of potato chips”, “you're going to die young” and I'm like okay, whatever. As per usual, I don't know what to right about. So, I took divine inspiration from the 2015 January issue of Bon Appetit.

My grandfather recently gifted me with a stack of his magazines and I recycled most of them to be honest, but I snatched up those Bon Appetit magazines. I was like shit I have to write a Tasty Tuesday and I spread them out and I started flipping through one and I was hit by divine inspiration. Healthy food looks nasty.

Honestly, I try to be healthyish, but some of this food is a mess. It does not look good. It's so funny that I try to eat well. I made the grocery list this week for my mother. She's leaving to go visit my great aunt and I was like get me these fruits and vegetables. Don't buy me junk food. Get me those grape nuts. Get me those corn flakes. I really do like that type of cereal, though. I sound like a survivor of the Great Depression who's living in the nursing home, but I love those old people cereals. They slay me.

Now, my mother decides to buy these caramel, chocolate dipped pretzel things. Those are not healthy. She's all like these butter snap pretzels look hella good. Those actually aren't that bad, because I don't like the Snyder's Butter Snap pretzels. I don't know if that's weird of me, but I just don't feel them. We also bought bread and I was wanted a somewhat healthy Pumpernickel and the madre decides we should get cinnamon raisin.

I try that is all I can say. If there is only healthy type foods to eat in the house that's what I'm going to eat. I was watching Ugly Betty tonight and I started out strong. Got me some strawberries and a banana, then those caramel chocolate dipped things called my name and I recanted. Eating healthy is hard when salt and sugar are calling your name.

Everyone is on this eating healthy kick. I was watching Wendy Williams recently and Lorraine Bracco was on. I really like her. You probably don't know the name, but she's in that show Rizzoli and Isles. She's Rizzoli's mother. And, she was on The Sopranos. I never watched it, but I'm sure she was amazing. And, she was on promoting her autobiography and she talked about eating healthy. She's also 61 and looking good. Apparently she was also Jean Paul-Gaultier's muse before he was Jean Paul-Gaultier. I honestly want her life.

It's not even about just eating healthy. It's about eating sustainable. I went to this thing at my school about it and life is just complicated. I honestly preferred life before I had to make adult decisions. I keep forgetting that I can vote in elections. I am now old enough to make a change in the world. It's intimidating. I don't want to make my own doctor's appointments. I just want to sit at home and listen to Cyndi Lauper. That's what I really want.

Shout out to anyone who is trying to eat healthy. Over breaks I do better, because I'll cook for myself. And, there's something that just seems more inherently healthy about cooking for yourself. But, during the school year. Between work and school obligations it's exhausting doing more then making a box of mac and cheese.

Hopefully, these recipes help you. We all have to eat and life is too short to eat food you don't enjoy. I don't know who the target audience of Bon Appetit, but something tells me it's upper middle class bored suburban housewife. I don't know who else could afford to make this.

RECIPES:
The Greenest Smoothie
1 frozen Banana
1 cup of frozen Pineapple Pieces
1 cup of fresh Parsley
1 cup of Unsweetened Almond Milk
2 tablespoons of Almond Butter
2 tablespoons of Flaxseed Oil
1 teaspoon of Agave Nectar
1 teaspoon of Matcha
½ teaspoon of finely grated peeled Ginger

Puree all ingredients together. Sweeten with more agave if desired.

SIDE NOTE: I have no fucking idea what Matcha is.

Five Grain Porridge with Bee Pollen, Apples, and Coconut
Porridge
½ cup of Brown Rice
½ cup of Quinoa
¼ cup of Amaranth
¼ cup of Millet
¼ cup of Wheat Bran
½ teaspoon of Kosher Salt
Assembly
1 tablespoon of Virgin Cocount Oil
¼ cup of Unsweetened Coconut Flakes
1 cut into ¼ inch pieces Pink Lady
¼ teaspoon of Cinnamon
2 tablespoons of Honey

Bring brown rice, quinoa, amaranth, millet, wheat bran, salt, and 6 cups of water to a boil in a medium pot. Reduce heat, partially cover, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until cereal is the consistency of porridge (softer and thicker than the usual bowl of oatmeal) and water is absorbed. About 40-50 minutes.

Heat coconut oil in a medium skillet over medium-high. Cook coconut flakes, stirring often, until toasted, 2 minutes, transfer to a plate.

Add apple, cinnamon, and 2 tablespoons of honey to skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until apples are browned in spots about 3 minutes.

Serve porridge topped with apples, coconut, sea salt, bee pollen, and a drizzle of honey if you like.

SIDE NOTE: I don't know in what world someone has time to make this for breakfast. This is some dystopian novel shit. Bon Appetit is forgetting that we live in a capitalist society. Unless I get a maid this is not getting made for breakfast. And, in what universe is bee pollen casually thrown into the title of a recipe. This is what white America is.

“Tandoori” Carrots with Vadouvan Spice and Yogurt
2 tablespoons of Vadouvan
2 finely grated Garlic Cloves
½ cup of Plain Whole Milk Greek Yogurt
5 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 pound of Small Carrots
¼ teaspoons of Turmeric
2 tablespoons of Lemon Juice

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Mix vadouvan, half of garlic, ¼ cup of yogurt, and 3 tablespoons of oil in a large bowl until smooth, season with salt and pepper. Add carrots and toss to coat. Roast on a rimmed baking sheet in a single layer, turning occasionally, until tender and lightly charred in spots. 25-30 minutes.

Meanwhile heat turmeric and remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in a small skillet over medium low swirling skillet, until fragrant, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat.

Whisk lemon juice, remaining garlic, and remaining ¼ cup of yogurt in a small bowl, season with salt and pepper.

Place carrots on a platter. Drizzle with yogurt mixture and turmeric oil and top with cilantro. Serve with lemon wedges.

SIDE NOTE: No, I don't know why there are quotations marks around tandoori.

Chocolate Coconut Date Bars
2 cups of pitted Dates
¾ cup of raw Cocoa Powder
¾ cup of Unsweetened Shredded Coconut
¼ cup of Cocao Nibs
2 tablespoon of Agave Syrup
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
2 tablespoons of Water

Coat 8x8 baking pan with nonstick vegetable oil spray, line with parchement leaving overhang on all sides. Blend all ingredients in food processor until smooth. Press mixture firmly into pan. Cut into bars.

Normally, I would be like e-mail comment if you need any help. Yeah, I don't know what's happening. However, if you actually make any of these. Please comment. I want to know if there as terrible as they sound. All recipes came from the January issue of this year's Bon Appetit.

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Vogue On Food

3/10/2015

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You know Vogue as a fashion magazine. The inspiration for The Devils Wear Prada. What you probably didn't know was it's fascinating look on cuisine.

My subscription to Vogue is the only reason I live. I'm assuming you have seen supermodel Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift on the cover of this month's issue of Vogue. It is everything. You know the two of them are best friends and they share an apartment in New York City.

You may or may not remember that the two of them were also seen kissing. Now I personally love the possibility of Taylor Swift dating a woman. At the same time it doesn't mean anything. Girls kiss each other and it's normal. Boys kiss each other and it's very gay. What probably happened was Taylor had a few drinks and she said kiss me slut. That's how I make out with all my friends.

Now Vogue may have an article on food, but it is not a Tasty Tuesday the way I do a Tasty Tuesday. They talk about food and kind of just hint at recipes. I think it's because Vogue no one knows reading Vogue actually wants to cook anything. I read everything in Vogue. I don't have a subscription to a magazine just to look at the advertisements.

The food articles are usually hella long and either hella boring or hella interesting. As I said they don't expect anyone to actually cook anything. There just stories about food and they don't tell you much more then that. I pulled out the twelve issues of Vogue last year and I'm now sprawled out on the bed with seven issues opened to their respective articles.

As Vogue has no recipes. The recipes I give you will be related to the topic at hand, but not directly from the reading itself. One article I wanted to talk about was one on how to cook with marijuana. It was interesting and it essentially talked about how to use marijuana as a spice. That must have been in the September issue. I love you all, but I was not hunting through 856 pages of high gloss to find an article for you.

One article was literally three full pages on the benefits of the cast iron skillet. Jeffrey Steingarten. Sir you were stretching. That article did not need to be that long. Sit down.

Another consisted of a woman who hated dessert making the hardest dessert known to man that is super flaky and super hard to make that is called mille-feuille. It was a mess. Even if there was a recipe I would not give it to you. If I remember correctly it took like three days to make this bitch. Not worth the effort.

I was super excited for this article by Jeffrey Steingarten (the same bitch who went on for three pages about an iron skillet). It was called “Dairy Queen”. I was like yassss bitch. Eat that ice cream. It is not about ice cream. It is about yogurt and how we will kill the planet if we don't figure out what to do with the leftover byproduct that results from making yogurt. It was great. As a response to the argument that you might want to eat less yogurt, I give you a recipe on how to make yogurt.

There was another one called “Land of Plenty” and it was interesting to a point. It was talking about the pervasiveness of Israelian culture and it's influences and how it's influencing food. However, three pages later, I did not care.

The first article I will be giving you a recipe for is called “Raw Power” and it's all about steak tartare. The raw French delicacy. Please don't kill yourself. I have to have someone read this blog.

Another beauty of the Vogue empire was “Solid Gold” was the relatively short two page masterpiece on the intricacy of butter.

The final tantamount of journalism was an article entitled “Hop To It” that you guessed it is on how to cook and eat rabbit. Apparently it's a great idea for the future. Vogue endorses fur and bunny genoicide.

I guess what I'm trying to say is subscribe to Vogue.

Subscribe to Vogue

RECIPES:
Inspired by the Vogue article “Raw Power”
Steak Tartare
2 Anchovy Fillets
2 Cloves of peeled and rushed Garlic
1 teaspoon of Capers
1 Egg
2 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
Salt
Freshly ground Black Pepper
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1 pound of freshly ground Beef Tenderloin
1/4 cup minced Shallots
4 tablespoons of chopped Egg Whites
4 tablespoons chopped Egg Yolks
4 tablespoons of Red Onions
4 tablespoons of finely chopped fresh Parsley
8 slices of White Bread, crust removed, tossed in olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper and toasted

In a small wooden mixing bowl, combine the anchovy, capers and garlic. Using the back of a fork, crush the two and form a paste. Add the egg and mustard. Whisk well. Season with salt, pepper and Worcestershire sauce. Whisk in the oil, to form an emulsion. In a cold mixing bowl, combine the tenderloin and shallots. Season with salt and pepper. Add the emulsion and mix well. Form the tartare into 4 ounce rounds, about 1-inch thick. Place in the center of four cold plates. Garnish each with traditional garnishes. Serve with toast points.

Inspired by the Vogue article “Dairy Queen”
Fresh Yogurt
1 quart of 2% Milk
1/2 cup of Powdered Milk
1 to 2 tablespoons Honey
1/2 cup or room temperature Plain Yogurt

Pour the milk into a small saucepan and whisk in the powdered milk and honey. Place over medium heat and bring to 120 degrees F on an instant-read thermometer. Once the milk has reached has reached the target temperature, pour it into a cylindrical plastic container, reserving 1/2 cup. Whisk the reserved milk into the yogurt and add it back to the milk mixture.

Place the container into a narrow wine bucket lined with a heating pad. Set the heating pad to medium. Let the mixture ferment for 3 to 12 hours, making sure the temperature stays as close to 115 degrees F as possible.

After the fermentation is complete, refrigerate overnight.

Inspired by the Vogue article “Solid Gold”
Pear Butter
½ cup of Butter
2 tablespoons of pureed Pear Preserves
½ teaspoon of finely chopped Rosemary

Mix the butter, pear preserves, and rosemary together until combined.

Inspired by the Vogue article “Hop To It”
Beer Basted Rabbit
3 pounds of Rabbit (Good luck finding it)
2 tablespoons of Garlic Salt
2 twelve fluid ounces of Beer

Preheat grill to medium high and lightly oil grate.

Place rabbit meat on heated grill and season with garlic salt. Pour beer into a medium bowl. Let meat cook 15 minutes, then start basting with beer every 10 minutes until done, about 30 minutes.

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I Would Lick That Off Your Body

12/2/2014

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Just to clarify, I have no intentions of licking any of this food off of anyone's body anytime soon. Or, ever really. As usual, I had no idea what to write for a Tasty Tuesday and I was just sitting there in math class talking about my problem to a friend. She suggests to me that I write an article about food you could lick off of someone's body.

I would like to say this came around naturally. I don't know if it did. I honestly cannot remember. What probably happened was this other friend of mine. Who said to me. Out loud. In public. “I could lick his body.”

That is too much information. I love you, but calm yourself. That is just something you think. I personally do not really understand this concept of wanting to eat food off of your lovers body, but I am not totally judging. I will try anything once and who knows it could be really fun. It would combine my favorite activity of eating into the mix.

Let me tell you how uncomfortable it was going through the cookbooks, specifically looking for food I could eat off of someone's body. I don't know how I would explain that one to my mother. She always sees me in the cookbooks, and whenever she asks me what I'm doing. I tell her I'm looking for something to make.

I'm surprised she hasn't asked me why I'm always looking for recipes and I never make any. We are also not talking at the moment. It's been a week and the last time I talked to her, I said “hello, madre”. She glared at me and didn't respond.

It's really wonderful living at home.

I also told everyone that I wasn't going to write this article. I told them the concept and added the forewarning that I was not going to write it. Well, here I am.

Even, two days ago I said I wasn't going to. I was out to dinner with Rosencrantz and I told her about it. I was like I'm never going to write this. We see how that works.

I just want you to know that I do not condone or suggest that you should actually put food on top of your lovers body and lick it. That is probably not sanitary. However, if you do. Live your life. I will not judge you. I wrote this article

Side note that the people that came to mind when discussing who to lick food off their bodies revolved around Nick Jonas and Colton Haynes. Just in case you were wondering who my celebrities crushes are at the moment.

RECIPES:
Clotted Cream
1 cup of Heavy Cream
1/3 cup of Sour Cream
3 tablespoons of Powdered Sugar

Whipped Cream
1 cup of Heavy Cream
1 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Whip the heavy cream, sugar, and vanilla extract until stiff peaks form.

Hazelnut Spread (Known to the world as Nutella)
1 cup of toasted and peeled Hazelnuts
2 tablespoons of Canola Oil
2 tablespoons of Powdered Sugar
1 tablespoons of Coca Powder
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
12 ounces of melted Milk Chocolate

Using a food processor, pulse the hazelnuts until they make a paste. While the machine is running, drizzle in the canola oil, processing until it is well combined.

Add the powdered sugar, cocoa powder, and vanilla extract, mixing well.

Push the mixture through a strainer to remove and chunks, then stir into the melted chocolate and let cool.

Lemon Curd
1 cup of fresh Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon of Unflavored Gelatin
1 ½ cup of Sugar
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
6 Egg Yolks
4 Eggs
8 tablespoons of Butter

Sprinkle the unflavored gelatin over 1 tablespoon of lemon juice. Set aside.

Combine the remaining lemon juice, sugar, and salt, heating until the sugar has dissolved. Set aside.

Whisk together the yolks, and eggs until they are well combined. Slowly whisk in the lemon juice mixture, cooking over a medium low heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture has thickened, 4-6 minutes.

Remove from the heat and stir in the unflavored gelatin and butter. Refrigerate until it is spreadable about 4 hours.

Butterscotch Sauce
1 cup of Brown Sugar
2 tablespoons of Light Corn Syrup
¼ cup of Milk
2 tablespoons of Butter

Combine all of the ingredients, bringing to a boil, and stirring for 3-4 minutes or until thickened.

Honey Mustard Sauce
2/3 cup of Beef Broth
3 tablespoons of Butter
3 tablespoons of Flour
3 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
3 tablespoons of Honey
1 teaspoon of Water
¼ teaspoon of Chili Powder

Melt the butter, then whisk in the flour to make a roux. Slowly whisk in 1/3 cup of the beef broth.

Stir in the Dijon mustard and honey, then the remaining beef broth, stirring until the sauce has thickened.

Add the water and chili powder

Serve warm. But, not too warm.

This is definitely one of those moments where if Enrique Iglesias told me to lick him, I would not say no.

Mashed Potatoes
4 boiled Potatoes
4 tablespoons of Butter
¼ cup of Heavy Cream
4 tablespoons of Cream Cheese
½ teaspoons of Salt

Drain the potatoes well, then add the butter, heavy cream, cream cheese, and salt, mashing until well mixed, and the desired consistency.

I want the one in white

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All Hands On Deck

11/5/2014

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You know Tasty Tuesday's really worked so much better when I only had to do them every six weeks. I just do not cook enough for this. I'm just like, oh here are some recipes I made once upon a time that were totally good, and you might like them.

Needless to say I have not been cooking. My life has been carbs and fruit. I grab a pretzel. I grab a peach. It's the grabbing the fruit that makes me feel like I'm not going to just collapse from lack of nutrition.

If you read my Media Monday on the music coming out in October you would know I had every intention of buying Tinashe's Aquarius. I did buy it at six in the morning at Walmart. Because, mama had school early, and I also did not want the explicit version. I do not know if you have heard the Schoolboy Q's rap on “2 On”, but it is nasty. I just did not need that in my life.

I am so unprepared to talk to you about this album, because I like it. I just don't know. There is some over reaching concept I have not put together. Mainly, because who knows what Tinashe is saying.

Do you know what she says on “2 On”. That song is so basic and I love it. So, instead of giving my verdict on this album. Let me just tell you about Tinashe. Who I like.

I really liked “2 On” but I didn't know who sang it until Tinashe went on the Wendy Williams show and performed it. She danced, I'm fairly sure she lip synced, but I'm not judging, and I was like. This girl and I could get along.

Then, she released her second single “Pretend” and that stopped me from being like slay, Tinashe, slay. I just don't know it's boring. Like really boring. Basically, the album. But, now I groove to “Pretend” and I think I'm going to groove to the rest of it.

We shall see. The music video for “Pretend” is great. I'm also positive that Tinashe has A$AP Rocky killed in the end. Can we also talk about how I'm like oddly attracted to this man. I do not know what it is, but I see A$AP and I just think he looks good.

Me and Anna Wintour just see him and we want him in our lives. In Vogue on my blog. Everywhere. I don't know I really like A$AP. I haven't take the time to invest in his music, but I wouldn't switch it if it came on the radio.

One problem I have with Aquarius is that it's like Tinashe wants it to play like a mixtape, and I don't like Jhene Aiko's EP for the same reasons. When she goes for the jugular, Tinashe hits. Go ahead and listen to “All Hands On Deck”, “Feels Like Vegas”, and “Wildfire”.

Buy "All Hands On Deck"

Buy "Feels Like Vegas"

Buy "Wildfire"

These are the songs that will tear up the radio. Not, “Pretend”. Although, I hope it does well for her.

Now, all of you are thinking. What kind of recipes are you bringing to the table. Fish. You better believe it. So, go get you some salmon, snag Tinashe's album on the way out the door and treat yourself.

RECIPES:
Balsamic Glazed Salmon
4 Salmon Steaks
1 teaspoon of Canola
¼ cup of Orange Juice
3 tablespoons of Balsamic Vinegar
3 tablespoons of Honey
1 tablespoon of Vinegar
¼ teaspoon of Red Pepper Flakes
1 sprig of Rosemary

Season the slam with salt and pepper on both sides, and then broil or grill it.

Meanwhile, stir together the orange juice, balsamic vinegar, honey, vinegar, red pepper flakes, and rosemary, cooking until the sauce has thickened slightly, about 5 minutes. Spoon the sauce over the salmon.

Fish Tacos
1 pound of Flounder
5 tablespoon of Cilantro
3 minced Scallions
2 tablespoons of Cider Vinegar
4 teaspoons of Canola
¾ cup of Mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of Lime Juice
1 clove of minced Garlic
2 teaspoon of Chili Powder
½ teaspoon of Coriander
¼ teaspoon of Cumin
Corn Tortillas
Salt
Pepper
2 cups of shredded Cabbage

Combine, cabbage, ¼ cup of cilantro, scallions, cider vinegar, 1 teaspoon of canola oil, and ¼ teaspoon of salt. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

Whisk together the remaining cilantro, mayonnaise, lime juice, and garlic. Season it with salt and pepper to taste. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

Combine the chili powder, coriander, cumin, ¼ teaspoon of salt and ¼ teaspoon of pepper. Pat the fish dry, then brush with the canola oil, and sprinkle liberally on both sides with the seasoning mixture. Grill the fish and serve.

You can either heat the corn tortillas or fry them crisp.

NOTE: If you prefer you substitute the flounder for mahi mahi.

Maple Glazed Salmon
4 Salmon Steaks
1 tablespoon of Maple Syrup
1 tablespoon of Teriyaki Sauce
1 tablespoon of Pineapple Juice
1 teaspoon of minced Ginger Root
1 clove of minced Garlic

Combine the maple syrup, teriyaki sauce, pineapple juice, ginger root, and garlic mixing well. Marinate the salmon in the refrigerator for 1-24 hours.

Grill or broil, about 15 minutes. Do not turn.

Lemon Buttery Fish
4 pieces of Cod
Montreal Seasoning
1 zested Lemon
3 tablespoons of butter
2 tablespoons of sliced Green Onion

Sprinkle fish with Montreal seasoning. Set aside.

Combine the butter, green onions, and lemon zest. Slather the mixture on top of the fish, and broil or grill, about 10-12 minutes.

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The Whole Foods Experience

9/23/2014

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Putting something in a crisp, brown paper bag does not explain the mark up on this item.

I have not been cooking. If we're being honest. I have been subsisting on pita chips and vitamin waters with occasional dinners out to really change up my diet. It's a sad existence. But, at the same time I take comfort in eating while watching Covert Affairs.

So, instead of dredging up the past and trying to make something up for you. I am going to tell you about my experiences with Whole Foods. This might be a national entity. It isn't everywhere like Walmart, but essentially it's this very high class super market, where nothing is name brand. I think Trader Joe's would be a good comparison. Hopefully wherever you live you have one of these.

I was out to the movies with Rosencrantz and Sacajawea this one Saturday night, but we had two hours to kill. So, went into the downtown area and got us some cupcakes at this adorable little cupcake shop. That was everything. But, we still had time to kill and movie theater candy to sneak in.

Me, being the genius that I am suggest that we go to Whole Foods. Experience the good life. Before we even go in. There are these two stations outside for people to charge up their electric cars. These exist. When did this happen. I thought we were going to have pay to get into this store, that is too good for me.

The first thing we are accosted with is the fresh produce section. I see spiky fruit and some very expensive raspberries. Then, there's this long leaf, thing, with these cactus spikes on the end. I pick it up and it starts to cave into itself.

I am standing in the middle of this upper class grocery store, waving an aloe leaf around, saying “Rosencrantz why do they even have this?” I'm not totally uneducated. I know what aloe is. I just didn't understand why there was an aloe leaf for sale in a grocery store. Are rich people making their own aloe lotion know, so they have to go to the store and sever the aloe leaf themselves to get all the healing powers out of it. I just don't know why it was there.

The goal I had in mind when we entered the Whole Foods was to find a drink. Something unusual, but not disgusting. The Papaya Cayenne didn't really appeal to me. Actually almost every drink they had didn't appeal to me. By the grace of god we stumble upon a line of lemonades. I decide I will try the mango one in the name of experimentation (it was terrible). But, we still had a good bit of time before the movie started.

Bob Marley also has his own line of drinks now. Let's clarify that. His family using his picture now has their own line of drinks. I was interested. I was about to buy it. But, they were like caffeine boosters and energy drinks, and I am just not here for that. I do not need Bob Marley to help me with my mental capacity.

I don't think his family thought this through.

Oh, tea. They sell tea there. It's expensive. Expensive as hell actually. It was twenty dollars for a can of tea. Not loose leaf tea, mind you. Tea in a packet. Whole Foods thinks their funny. I'm here to inform them that they are not.

They also sell dog food. Over priced organic dog food. The dog is part of the family. But, it should not cost fifty dollars to feed a Yorkie every week. Try again Whole Foods.

Some of the drinks had those Chia seeds put in them. Now that is going too far. It also upsets me that they don't sell tabloids. The good stuff you know. Instead there were things like Yoga. This has to be the only store in the entire country of America that actively stocks a monthly magazine name Yoga and expects people to buy it.

Now Whole Foods was an experience. One you should consider in your life. I mean they have everything. A bakery, a deli. You could go bankrupt real quick there.

Having checked on their website. I have a few recipes you might want to try. I didn't.

RECIPES:

Peruvian Crab Causa
Relish
1/2 large red onion, finely chopped
1/2 cup white vinegar
1 (4-ounce) can sliced jalapeño peppers, with their juice
1/3 bunch cilantro, leaves and stems, finely chopped
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 (8-ounce) jar roasted yellow peppers, strained and finely chopped
1/2 lime, Juice of
Causa Layers
2 pounds Yukon potatoes
Salt and pepper, to taste
2 limes, Juice of
1/4 cup canola or corn oil
1 (16-ounce) can lump crab meat, drained
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 avocados, sliced
6 large romaine lettuce leaves, sliced

Grease a 12-inch rectangular bread mold with a bit of oil, then line it with 2 large pieces of plastic wrap, making sure they overlap so all the bottom and sides of the mold are covered and there is enough wrap on the sides of the mold with which to fold over and tightly cover the causa once it has been assembled. Set aside.

For the relish, put onions and vinegar into a medium bowl, cover and set aside for 45 minutes. Meanwhile, place the jalapeños and their juice into a blender and blend until smooth. Strain the mixture through a fine sieve, separating the juice from pulp left over. Reserve juice and pulp separately in small bowls. Strain the onions, discarding the vinegar and return to the bowl. Add cilantro, salt and pepper, 1/2 cup of the yellow peppers, lime juice and 1 tablespoon of the reserved jalapeño pulp. Cover and set relish aside. (Reserve remaining jalapeño pulp and juice for later use in the causa.)

For the causa, place potatoes in a large pot and cover by 2 inches with cold water. Add 2 tablespoons salt and bring to a boil. Cook for about 25 minutes, until potatoes are tender when pierced with a knife. Drain and let potatoes cool until you can handle them safely. Peel potatoes and press them through a potato ricer or the fine side of a cheese grater, making sure no lumps remain. Transfer potatoes to a large bowl and add the juice of 1 lime, oil and 1/4 cup of the reserved jalapeño juice. Mix with a potato masher, adding salt and pepper to taste. Place in the refrigerator until cooled.

Meanwhile, mix crab meat with mayonnaise and juice from 1/2 a lime. Season with salt and pepper, cover and refrigerate. Put avocados, remaining juice from 1/2 a lime, salt and pepper into a bowl and toss gently to combine.

Use a large spoon to spread one-third of the potato mixture into a layer at the bottom of the bread mold. Arrange half of the avocado slices in the mold for the next layer, making sure all corners and sides of the mold are covered. Transfer about 6 dollops of the crab meat mixture to a small bowl, cover and refrigerate for later use. Spread half of the remaining crab meat mixture into the mold to make the next layer. Press down firmly with the back of a spoon. Repeat with one more layer each of the potato mixture, avocados and crab, then finish with a layer of potato mixture on top. Fold the plastic wrap over the top of the mold to cover completely. Press down slightly along the top of the mold, then refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

To serve, carefully uncover the plastic wrap and unmold the causa over a serving plate. Spread some of the reserved relish over the top of the causa. Arrange lettuce leaves on 6 serving plates. Cut the causa carefully into six slices and place one slice on top of the lettuce on each serving plate. Add more of the relish and a dollop of the reserved crab meat mix on top of each slice. Serve immediately.

Pasta Frittata, Chard Bacon, and Goat Cheese
2 cups whole wheat shells or fusilli
4 slices bacon, cut into small pieces
1 cup chopped yellow onion
4 lightly packed cups chopped chard
10 eggs
1 (4-ounce) package fresh goat cheese with garlic and herbs, crumbled
2 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Bring a medium pot of water to a boil, add pasta and cook until al dente, about 10 minutes. Drain well and set aside. (If you’re using leftover cooked pasta, you’ll need about 3 cups.)

Meanwhile, in a large, ovenproof skillet, cook bacon over medium-high heat until just crisp, 6 to 8 minutes. Transfer to a paper-towel-lined plate and set aside. Carefully discard all but 1 tablespoon drippings and then return the skillet to the heat. Add onion and cook, stirring often, until golden brown, about 5 minutes. Add chard and cook, tossing occasionally, until wilted, 2 to 3 minutes more.

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, whisk together eggs, half of the goat cheese, parsley, salt and pepper; stir in pasta and bacon. Pour into the skillet, spreading out evenly, top with remaining goat cheese and cook 2 minutes more.

Transfer to the oven and bake until set in the middle and golden brown around the edges, 10 to 15 minutes. Let rest for 10 minutes and then loosen edges and bottom and slide out onto a plate. Cut into wedges and serve.

PB&J Bites
1 1/4 cup rolled oats
1 1/4 cup dried currants
1/2 cup no-salt-added unsweetened peanut butter
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Place oats, currants, peanut butter, vanilla and cinnamon in a food processor and process until smooth and sticking together. Drizzle in 2 to 3 tablespoons hot water so that the mixture comes into a ball. Using a teaspoon, scoop out a heaping spoonful of the mixture. Roll into a ball, pressing firmly so that it sticks together. Chill bites until ready to serve. Refrigerate in an airtight container for up to 5 days or freeze for up to 1 week.

ALL RECIPES RETRIEVED FROM www.wholefoodsmarket.com

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Winging It

9/9/2014

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My cooking abilities are minimal. I don't really know how to cook. I can follow a recipe, but if you want me to create a full blown meal by chance, that isn't going to end well. Cookbooks are what I follow, I know nothing beyond that.

I met a Brother recently, a Catholic brother, and I was talking to him, and he was an older gentleman, and he had surprisingly good hearing. So, I said to him, “Did you listen to the radio when you were younger.” He tells me that of course he had he listened to all the greats, he mentions Dinah Shore.

I stop him and say, “I thought she wrote a cookbook.” Brother Ignacious looks at me like I'm crazy, but I am not. I go home and I discover a Dinah Shore cookbook in the cupboard. Granted, I knew about her for a very minor part in her life. After looking her up, I found that she had an extensive solo career in music and television. Her writing a cookbook was not really a keystone piece in her life work.

In the past few weeks I haven't cooked, recipes. I have entertained. I have gone off the cuff, but I have not followed any instructions. So, forgive the generalities put in place for this weeks recipes.

There are only two things I've cooked. It was the night Robin Williams passed, that we were playing Cards Against Humanity. The thing I love the most about that game is that saying “I just really love dead babies” is not that strange. And, of course I won as usual. Because, I'm fantastic, and I also took the cards of another player. Miss Sara Bellum likes to claim that she won, but we all know the truth.

It was about eight. I don't remember who it was, but they said they were going to leave, so they could have dinner. I told them that we could make something. Unless they really just wanted to leave. Obviously they didn't. I'm perfect. So, I decide that we'll make pasta, and this very simple cream sauce to go along with it.

We are in the process of making this when I realize that we do not have heavy cream. So, we use milk. The sauce is for all intensive purposes the consistency of water. Thunder, proceeds to take the helm and we add an array of cheeses, seasonings, and chicken to thicken up the sauce.

Poor Boomer is with us. He is a very picky eater, and I am planning on dumping all the white sauce over the pasta and putting it into one big bowl on the table. By this point the entire dinner had escalated, we had china out, there were tea and coffee pots. But, Boomer says to me can't we just separate the two.

I acquiesce assuming he will not eat the pasta with the sauce. I do not know if I goaded him into it, but he does. He eats it. He spoons that sauce onto the pasta and whether or not he enjoyed it. He ate it.

Spooning the pasta out was a nightmare. Thanks to me. I used this huge pot, and I said we don't need to break the spaghetti in half. Well. No, we did not have to. For eating purposes. We should have. That is my lesson of the day. Always break the pasta in half.

When all of this is over, Thunder and I, ignore cleaning the dishes and allow Boomer, Miss Sara Bellum, and the Mayor to deal with it. They need to work on their rinsing skills.

The last thing I made was a collective group effort that came around when Miss Sara Bellum and the Mayor were over. This was the last day they were in town before heading off to college. And, I had forgotten to eat all day. I was starving. It was eight o'clock. They come over. I suggest popcorn, innocently enough. We end up adding chocolate chips, marshmallows, butter to this popcorn. It was basically everything and more. That might be the hunger talking.

It might also be that I was watching The Simple Life with them and as the most brain dead TV show in reruns, will be the perfect show to watch after semester exams.

RECIPES:

Parmesan Sauce
¾ cup of Parmesan
¾ cup of Milk
½ cup of Butter
Garlic Powder
Salt
Butter
Flour
Butt load of Extra Parmesan
½ cup to 1 cup Mozzarella
Chicken Base (Tiny Bit doesn't matter)

Combine the Parmesan, milk and butter stirring on low heat until mix. Proceed to add indiscriminate amounts of butter, flour, Parmesan, and mozzarella. Add chicken base, salt, and garlic powder to flavor.

Put on top of baked pasta.

It might feed six people.

*May Not Be An Accurate Representation*

The Simple Life Popcorn
Popcorn
¼ cup of Butter
Salt
Chocolate Chips
Marshmallows

Pop the popcorn. Pour the melted butter over it. Then, put as much salt, chocolate chips, and marshmallows your heart can handle on top.

We found the chocolate chips settled to the bottom. So, you might want to melt them before putting it over the popcorn. We also considered adding butterscotch chips and caramel sauce to it. Just some suggestions from the Bubbles cooking team.

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