Category: Foods

Condiment

7/28/2015

What is a condiment other then a boring topic for a Tasty Tuesday?

According to the answer google has provided me, a condiment is “a substance that is used to add flavor to food.” That sounds overly generic. Does that mean that the paprika I have sitting in my cupboard is a condiment. I don't know if I would go that far. I'm all for equal rights of condiments being called condiments, but I don't know if I'm progressive enough to call paprika a condiment.

I have done some further research (that required me getting up from my bed) to pull out The American Heritage Dictionary and see what the official dictionary thinks of this condiment debacle. The definition they supplied me with was that it is a “a sauce, relish, or spice used to season food.”

I personally am offended that I might have to consider paprika a condiment. I need to find another source on this issue. I will take this to the President. I am in a national crisis.

Now let me tell you what I consider a condiment. It's that question you get asked at a fast food restaurant. “Do you want mayonnaise, mustard, or ketchup on your burger?”

All the white people want that mayonnaise. It's ingrained in white culture that we love mayonnaise. We put that in everything. I myself am partial to mayonnaise. Granted if I'm going to a fast food place. I'm getting plain burger. I don't trust fast food standards.

Mustard is what those adventurous people get. The ones that like to live on the wild side. I imagine that Rachel Dolezal had too much experience with mustard. I honestly don't know how white people handle mustard. I mean we think water is spicy and I was at this place that had spicy mustard on a hot dog and I honestly didn't know white people were ready for this.

Ketchup is for the truly strange individual. Who gets ketchup on their burger. Whenever, I'm asked this question I just don't understand. Mustard and mayonnaise are the only two reasonable answers. They are the two M's. They are the M and M.

Ketchup is for french fries and the occasional corn dog. Boomer absolutely hates ketchup. He hates most food products, but he has a special place of hatred for ketchup. I get it. It's tomatoes and sugar. But, what's better then tomatoes and sugar, then tomatoes and sugar together. Am I right?

Personally, I am not a fan of the ketchup and the french fry combination. I do reminisce occasionally, but usually I go for the ranch french fry combination. I don't know if that's just a really white thing to do, but knowing me it probably is.

I like that good buttermilk ranch. It's good for everything. Dipping the carrots. Forgetting your eating a salad. It's a magical invention.

I embrace the condiments as a sub section of the food genre. It makes life better. Where would we be without things to dip and top our food with. In a sad mystical place where dragons breathe fire and the wheel hasn't been invented. That's where.

RECIPES:
Honey Mustard Sauce
2/3 cup of Beef Broth
3 tablespoons of Butter
3 tablespoons of Flour
3 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
3 tablespoons of Honey
1 teaspoon of Water
¼ teaspoon of Chili Powder

Melt the butter, then whisk in the flour to make a roux. Slowly whisk in 1/3 cup of the beef broth.

Stir in the Dijon mustard and honey, then the remaining beef broth, stirring until the sauce has thickened.

Add the water and chili powder

Serve warm. But, not too warm.

Ranch Dressing
1 cup of Mayonnaise
1/2 cup of Sour Cream
1/2 cup of Dried Chives
1/2 teaspoon of Dried Parsley
1/2 teaspoon of Dried Dill Weed
1/4 teaspoon of Garlic Powder
1/4 teaspoon of Onion Powder
1/8 teaspoon of Salt

In a large bowl, whisk together the mayonnaise, sour cream, chives, parsley, dill, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper. Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes before serving.

Ketchup
1 28 Ounce Can of Tomatoes
1 Chopped Onion
4 Chopped Garlic Cloves
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
1 Teaspoon of Chili Powder
1/2 teaspoon of Paprika
1/4 teaspoon of Cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon of Ground Allspice
1 tablespoon of Tomato Paste
1/2 cup of packed Brown Sugar
1/2 cup of Cider Vinegar

Puree tomatoes with juice in a blender until smooth. Cook onion and garlic in oil with 1/4 teaspoon salt in a heavy saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until golden, about 8 minutes. Add spices and 1/2 teaspoon pepper and cook, stirring frequently, 1 minute. Add tomato purée, tomato paste, brown sugar, and vinegar and simmer, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until very thick, 45 to 55 minutes (stir more frequently toward end of cooking to prevent scorching).

Puree ketchup in blender until smooth . Chill at least 2 hours (for flavors to develop).

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The Food Issue

7/14/2015

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There was a time I asked for my Vogue subscription to be renewed. My grandfather got me Architectural Digest. This year he let that slip and now Travel & Leisure in the mail.

I don't know who the target audience is for this. People with money. The kind of people who send their children abroad for the semester. The kind of people who get their children Mercedes Benz for their 16th birthday. Needless to say. Not me.

Usually I recycle it (I know how very earth conscious of me), but this months said that it was the “Food Issue”. Finally something I can use. The cover says Austin is “way beyond barbecue” that Singapore is the “best eating on earth” and that Greenland has “the new arctic cuisine”. Turn up.

The Gulfstream IV

The Cessna Citation X+

The Pilatus PC-12 NG

Now there is a lack of actual recipes for me to give you, but I'm sure google will be more then useful in this endeavor. This issue of this magazine centers primarily on good places to eat around the world. If you have a week and the money to fly all around the world, I have some great suggestions on where you should go for a culinary experience.

While, your at it why don't you fly private. I know. You can't afford private, but wait is “Private The New Business Class”? This is a legitimate article in this magazine. They even have a section entitled “know your private jet”. What kind of upper middle class bullshit is this. One of their suggestions is to get a membership to a private jet membership club that start at $1,750 a month.

It's a fascinating if completely unrealistic read.

Words you probably never expected to hear was “Italo-Slovenian Comfort Food”, but may I suggest if you are ever the Slovenian “Hisa Franko”. Apparently the owner's husband is a biodynamic wine connoisseur. If that doesn't make you want to take all your clothes off I don't know what will.

The Hisa Franko

The Broad Museum

The Atlanta Botanical Garden

There are now also restaurants in MUSEUMS. You have heard it first. Both the Broad Museum and the Whitney have respective places to gorge yourself while you enjoy fine art. My personal favorite is the stunning restaurant opening in the Atlanta Botanical Garden. What will be on the menu? It will be a surprise. As the article says the menu consists of “whatever is fresh from the edible garden”.

One that actually fascinated me was this section on Food Courts. The five brought up are centrally located in Coppenhagen, Atlanta, New York, Rotterdam, and New Orleans. Nothing warms my heart more then gourmet food courts.

The Copenhagen Street Food

The Ponce City Market in Atlanta

The Urbanspace Vanderbilt in New York

The Markthal in Rotterdam

The St. Roch Market in New Orleans

What can I say. Unless you have the budget to travel in your private jet all of this beautiful food imagery is too much. Now you know where to go. And, if you want more posh day dreams go out and find yourself the July Issue of Travel & Leisure.

RECIPES:
Artic Char with Mushrooms
4 Six Ounce Skinless Arctic Char Fillets
Salt
Pepper
4 tablespoons of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
8 ounces of sliced White Button Mushrooms
2 finely chopped Shallots
2 tablespoons of Red Wine Vinegar
2 teaspoons of Whole-Grain Mustard
1 tablespoon of chopped Chives
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
2 bunches of Arugula

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Season the fish with salt and pepper. Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until shimmering. Add the fish and sear until golden on the bottom and cooked halfway through, about 3 minutes. Flip onto a baking sheet and bake until cooked through, 3 to 5 more minutes.

Meanwhile, wipe out the skillet, return to medium-high heat and add the remaining 3 tablespoons oil. Add the mushrooms and cook, without stirring, until browned on one side, about 1 minute. Stir and cook until browned all over, about 3 more minutes. Add the shallots and cook until soft, stirring, about 2 minutes. Whisk in 2 tablespoons vinegar and the mustard and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat and stir in the chives and parsley.

Drizzle the arugula with oil and vinegar in a bowl, season with salt and pepper and toss. Divide among plates and serve with the fish. Spoon the mushrooms and pan juices on top.

Arctic Char: The Fish

Chicken Parmesan
3 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 teaspoon of chopped Rosemary Leaves
1 teaspoon of chopped Thyme Leaves
1 teaspoon of chopped Italian Parsley Leaves
Salt
Pepper
8 three ounce Chicken Cutlets
1 1/2 cups of the Simple Tomato Sauce
1/2 cup of Mozzarella
16 teaspoons of grated Parmesan
2 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
Simple Tomato Sauce
1/2 cup of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 Onion
2 Cloves of Garlic
1 stalk of Celery
1 Carrot
Salt
Pepper
Two 32-ounce cans of Crushed Tomatoes
4 Basil Leaves
2 Bay Leaves
4 tablespoons of Butter

Preheat the oven to 500 degrees F.

Stir the oil and herbs in a small bowl to blend. Season with salt and pepper. Brush both sides of the cutlets with the herb oil. Heat a large heavy oven-proof skillet over high heat. Add the cutlets and cook just until brown, about 2 minutes per side. Remove the skillet from the heat.

Spoon the marinara sauce over and around the cutlets. Sprinkle 1 teaspoon of the mozzarella over each cutlet, then sprinkle 2 teaspoons of the Parmesan over each. Sprinkle the butter pieces atop the cutlets. Bake until the cheese melts and the chicken is cooked through, about 3 to 5 minutes.

In a large casserole pot, heat the oil over medium high heat. Add the onion and garlic and saute until soft and translucent, about 2 minutes. Add the celery and carrots and season with salt and pepper. Saute until all the vegetables are soft, about 5 minutes. Add the tomatoes, basil, and bay leaves and simmer covered on low heat for 1 hour or until thick. Remove the bay leaves and check for seasoning. If the sauce still tastes acidic, add unsalted butter, 1 tablespoon at a time to round out the flavors.

Add half the tomato sauce into the bowl of a food processor. Process until smooth. Continue with the remaining tomato sauce.

Marinated Grilled Shrimp
3 Cloves of Garlic
1/3 cup of Olive Oil
¼ cup of Tomato Sauce
2 tablespoons of Red Wine Vinegar
2 tablespoons of Basil
½ teaspoon of Salt
¼ teaspoon of Cayenne Pepper
2 pounds of Shrimp

In a large bowl, stir together the garlic, olive oil, tomato sauce, and red wine vinegar. Season with basil, salt, and cayenne pepper. Add shrimp to the bowl, and stir until evenly coated. Cover, and refrigerate for 30 minutes to 1 hour, stirring once or twice.

Preheat grill for medium heat. Thread shrimp onto skewers, piercing once near the tail and once near the head. Discard marinade.

Lightly oil grill grate. Cook shrimp on preheated grill for 2 to 3 minutes per side, or until opaque.

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Vogue On Food

3/10/2015

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You know Vogue as a fashion magazine. The inspiration for The Devils Wear Prada. What you probably didn't know was it's fascinating look on cuisine.

My subscription to Vogue is the only reason I live. I'm assuming you have seen supermodel Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift on the cover of this month's issue of Vogue. It is everything. You know the two of them are best friends and they share an apartment in New York City.

You may or may not remember that the two of them were also seen kissing. Now I personally love the possibility of Taylor Swift dating a woman. At the same time it doesn't mean anything. Girls kiss each other and it's normal. Boys kiss each other and it's very gay. What probably happened was Taylor had a few drinks and she said kiss me slut. That's how I make out with all my friends.

Now Vogue may have an article on food, but it is not a Tasty Tuesday the way I do a Tasty Tuesday. They talk about food and kind of just hint at recipes. I think it's because Vogue no one knows reading Vogue actually wants to cook anything. I read everything in Vogue. I don't have a subscription to a magazine just to look at the advertisements.

The food articles are usually hella long and either hella boring or hella interesting. As I said they don't expect anyone to actually cook anything. There just stories about food and they don't tell you much more then that. I pulled out the twelve issues of Vogue last year and I'm now sprawled out on the bed with seven issues opened to their respective articles.

As Vogue has no recipes. The recipes I give you will be related to the topic at hand, but not directly from the reading itself. One article I wanted to talk about was one on how to cook with marijuana. It was interesting and it essentially talked about how to use marijuana as a spice. That must have been in the September issue. I love you all, but I was not hunting through 856 pages of high gloss to find an article for you.

One article was literally three full pages on the benefits of the cast iron skillet. Jeffrey Steingarten. Sir you were stretching. That article did not need to be that long. Sit down.

Another consisted of a woman who hated dessert making the hardest dessert known to man that is super flaky and super hard to make that is called mille-feuille. It was a mess. Even if there was a recipe I would not give it to you. If I remember correctly it took like three days to make this bitch. Not worth the effort.

I was super excited for this article by Jeffrey Steingarten (the same bitch who went on for three pages about an iron skillet). It was called “Dairy Queen”. I was like yassss bitch. Eat that ice cream. It is not about ice cream. It is about yogurt and how we will kill the planet if we don't figure out what to do with the leftover byproduct that results from making yogurt. It was great. As a response to the argument that you might want to eat less yogurt, I give you a recipe on how to make yogurt.

There was another one called “Land of Plenty” and it was interesting to a point. It was talking about the pervasiveness of Israelian culture and it's influences and how it's influencing food. However, three pages later, I did not care.

The first article I will be giving you a recipe for is called “Raw Power” and it's all about steak tartare. The raw French delicacy. Please don't kill yourself. I have to have someone read this blog.

Another beauty of the Vogue empire was “Solid Gold” was the relatively short two page masterpiece on the intricacy of butter.

The final tantamount of journalism was an article entitled “Hop To It” that you guessed it is on how to cook and eat rabbit. Apparently it's a great idea for the future. Vogue endorses fur and bunny genoicide.

I guess what I'm trying to say is subscribe to Vogue.

Subscribe to Vogue

RECIPES:
Inspired by the Vogue article “Raw Power”
Steak Tartare
2 Anchovy Fillets
2 Cloves of peeled and rushed Garlic
1 teaspoon of Capers
1 Egg
2 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
Salt
Freshly ground Black Pepper
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1 pound of freshly ground Beef Tenderloin
1/4 cup minced Shallots
4 tablespoons of chopped Egg Whites
4 tablespoons chopped Egg Yolks
4 tablespoons of Red Onions
4 tablespoons of finely chopped fresh Parsley
8 slices of White Bread, crust removed, tossed in olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper and toasted

In a small wooden mixing bowl, combine the anchovy, capers and garlic. Using the back of a fork, crush the two and form a paste. Add the egg and mustard. Whisk well. Season with salt, pepper and Worcestershire sauce. Whisk in the oil, to form an emulsion. In a cold mixing bowl, combine the tenderloin and shallots. Season with salt and pepper. Add the emulsion and mix well. Form the tartare into 4 ounce rounds, about 1-inch thick. Place in the center of four cold plates. Garnish each with traditional garnishes. Serve with toast points.

Inspired by the Vogue article “Dairy Queen”
Fresh Yogurt
1 quart of 2% Milk
1/2 cup of Powdered Milk
1 to 2 tablespoons Honey
1/2 cup or room temperature Plain Yogurt

Pour the milk into a small saucepan and whisk in the powdered milk and honey. Place over medium heat and bring to 120 degrees F on an instant-read thermometer. Once the milk has reached has reached the target temperature, pour it into a cylindrical plastic container, reserving 1/2 cup. Whisk the reserved milk into the yogurt and add it back to the milk mixture.

Place the container into a narrow wine bucket lined with a heating pad. Set the heating pad to medium. Let the mixture ferment for 3 to 12 hours, making sure the temperature stays as close to 115 degrees F as possible.

After the fermentation is complete, refrigerate overnight.

Inspired by the Vogue article “Solid Gold”
Pear Butter
½ cup of Butter
2 tablespoons of pureed Pear Preserves
½ teaspoon of finely chopped Rosemary

Mix the butter, pear preserves, and rosemary together until combined.

Inspired by the Vogue article “Hop To It”
Beer Basted Rabbit
3 pounds of Rabbit (Good luck finding it)
2 tablespoons of Garlic Salt
2 twelve fluid ounces of Beer

Preheat grill to medium high and lightly oil grate.

Place rabbit meat on heated grill and season with garlic salt. Pour beer into a medium bowl. Let meat cook 15 minutes, then start basting with beer every 10 minutes until done, about 30 minutes.

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Cake In A Cup

1/13/2015

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I really need to start asking my cousin Jamie for suggestions on article titles. I was legitimately going to call this Cupcakes. Then, I was like no be original. I came up with Cupcake Mania. Decided that was basic as fuck. I finally settled on Cake in a Cup. I still don't think it's that great of a name, but it's better then Cupcake.

Cupcakes are like portion controlled heaven. They are just everything. The only people who don't like cupcakes are people who don't like cake. That is strange. There might be something wrong you. Were you abused as a child. Do we need to talk. These are all the questions I think of when people don't like cupcakes.

I am here if you need counseling. For a brief moment my mother was on top of the cupcake game. All she made was cupcakes. Now cupcakes are really great. They're easier to decorate then a cupcake, there finger food, and the presentation options are one in a million. We have three cookbooks dedicated to cupcakes. My mother needs to calm herself.

What my mother came to find out was that she really liked the complicated cupcakes. Of course she did. My mother is not one for the easy route.

She wants that fancy cupcake, that has that filling and that icing that takes you ten years to make. It's like no. We do not have time for this, but that is what she lives for. My mother has always been this gourmet human being. She also does it to impress people. She will tell you she does it for herself. I have lived with this woman for 18 years of my life. I know her. I know how she thinks. I have some skill in reading her.

If where I live is anything like where you live, there are a million cupcake shops. First it was yogurt and now it's cupcakes. We have this one chain called Gigi's. I have no idea if you have one, but people are obsessed with this place. I am not a fan. There is no filling. They are three dollars. And, there is ten inches of butter cream frosting on top.

I took a cake decorating class. I know what butter cream tastes like. The recipe they use is basic beginner shit. If you ever take a cake decorating class you will learn how to make this by the pound. About the only thing they do is put sprinkles on their cupcakes.

As you can tell, I am not impressed with Gigi's. There is a place that I adore. There's only one of them and Rosencrantz and I go there all the time. Basically whenever we hang out we get cupcakes.

People around campus even wear shirts with the name emblazoned on it. This cupcake shop is the shit and is so much better then Gigi's. This is the kind of place where people could get me cupcakes for my birthday and I could be like you are the best friend I have ever had in my entire life.

Rosencrantz literally bought me cupcakes for my birthday. She is queen. Like thank you Thunder and J. Lo for my very thoughtful gift of Lily Allen. But, Rosencrantz gave me the gift of diabetes.

Now these are the cupcake recipes that my mother and I like. I'm totally serious about these being a great party food. You make three different kinds. Set them up. Have like a vegetable tray on the side with some dip and you are good to go. Everyone will think your so fancy and all you did was make some cupcakes. As I say that. I realize sometimes that's easier said, then done.

RECIPES
Limoncello
Cupcakes
1 package of Lemon Cake Mix
4 Eggs
1 Package of Lemon Instant Pudding
½ cup of Vegetable Oil
½ cup of Vodka
½ cup of Water
Glaze
4 cups of Powdered Sugar
1/3 cup of Lemon Juice
4 tablespoons of Vodka
Candied Lemon Peel

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 24 standard muffin cups with paper baking cups.

Beat cake mix, eggs, pudding mix, oil, ½ cup of vodka, and water in large bowl until smooth. Spoon the batter evenly into prepared muffin cups. Bake for 15 minutes or until center comes out clean. Cool completely in pans on wire rack.

For glaze, whisk powdered sugar, lemon juice, 4 tablespoons of vodka in medium bowl until smooth. Dip tops of cupcakes in glaze, garnish with candied lemon peel. Let stand until set.

NOTE: You can also sprinkle coarse sugar on top if you would like.

Cookies & Cream Cupcakes
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 tablespoon of Baking Powder
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 2/3 cups of Sugar
1 cup of Milk
½ cup of Butter
2 teaspoons of Vanilla
3 Egg Whites
1 cup of Crushed Oreos
1 container of Vanilla Frosting

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a standard 24 muffin pan with paper baking cups.

Sift flour, baking powder, and salt in large bowl. Stir in sugar. Add milk, butter, and vanilla; beat with electric mixer at low speed for 30 seconds. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes. Add egg whites, beat 2 minutes. Stir in 1 cup of crushed cookies. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups about 2/3 full.

Bake for 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool in pans for 10 minutes. Remove to wire racks; cool completely.

Frost cupcakes, garnish with additional crushed cookies.

Boston Cream Pie Minis
1 package of Yellow Cake Mix
1 cup of Cold Milk
1 package of Vanilla Flavored Instant Pudding
1 ½ cups of Cool Whip
4 squares of Semi-Sweet Baking Chocolate

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a standard 24 muffin pan with paper baking cups. Prepare cake batter and bake. Cool for 10 minutes in pan. Remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Beat milk and dry pudding mix with wire whisk 2 minutes or until well blended. Let stand 5 minutes. Meanwhile, use serrated knife to cut cupcakes horizontally in half. Gently stir ½ cup of the whipped topping into pudding. Spoon about 1 tablespoon of the pudding mixture onto bottom half of each cupcake, cover with top of cupcake.

Microwave remaining 1 cup of of whipped topping and the chocolate in small microwaveable bowl on high for 1 ½ minutes or until chocolate is almost melted, stirring after 1 minute. Stir until chocolate is completely melted and mixture is well blended: spread onto cupcakes. Refrigerate at least 15 minutes before serving. Store leftovers in refrigerator.

Maple Bacon Cupcakes
Cupcakes
1 ½ cups of Flour
1 ¾ teaspoons of Baking Powder
½ cup of Butter
¾ cup of Granulated Sugar
2 Eggs
2 tablespoons of Maple Syrup
½ cup of Milk
8 slices of crisp, finely chopped Bacon
Maple Frosting
½ cup of Butter
3 tablespoons of Maple Syrup
2 tablespoons of Milk
3 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 12 muffin cups with paper baking cups. Whisk flour and baking powder in small bowl.

Beat ½ cup of butter and granulated sugar in large bowl with electric mixer at medium speed until light and fluffy. Add eggs and 2 tablespoons maple syrup, beat well. Add flour mixture and ½ cup of milk, beat at low speed just until combined. Stir in all but 2 tablespoons of chopped bacon.

Spoon batter evenly into prepared muffin cups. Bake 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Cool in pan for 10 minutes. Remove to wire rack; cool completely.

For frosting, beat ½ cup of butter, 3 tablespoons of maple syrup and 2 tablespoons milk in large bowl with electric mixer at low speed for 1 minute. Add powdered sugar: beat at medium speed until fluffy. Frost cupcakes, top with reserved chopped bacon.

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The Whole Foods Experience

9/23/2014

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Putting something in a crisp, brown paper bag does not explain the mark up on this item.

I have not been cooking. If we're being honest. I have been subsisting on pita chips and vitamin waters with occasional dinners out to really change up my diet. It's a sad existence. But, at the same time I take comfort in eating while watching Covert Affairs.

So, instead of dredging up the past and trying to make something up for you. I am going to tell you about my experiences with Whole Foods. This might be a national entity. It isn't everywhere like Walmart, but essentially it's this very high class super market, where nothing is name brand. I think Trader Joe's would be a good comparison. Hopefully wherever you live you have one of these.

I was out to the movies with Rosencrantz and Sacajawea this one Saturday night, but we had two hours to kill. So, went into the downtown area and got us some cupcakes at this adorable little cupcake shop. That was everything. But, we still had time to kill and movie theater candy to sneak in.

Me, being the genius that I am suggest that we go to Whole Foods. Experience the good life. Before we even go in. There are these two stations outside for people to charge up their electric cars. These exist. When did this happen. I thought we were going to have pay to get into this store, that is too good for me.

The first thing we are accosted with is the fresh produce section. I see spiky fruit and some very expensive raspberries. Then, there's this long leaf, thing, with these cactus spikes on the end. I pick it up and it starts to cave into itself.

I am standing in the middle of this upper class grocery store, waving an aloe leaf around, saying “Rosencrantz why do they even have this?” I'm not totally uneducated. I know what aloe is. I just didn't understand why there was an aloe leaf for sale in a grocery store. Are rich people making their own aloe lotion know, so they have to go to the store and sever the aloe leaf themselves to get all the healing powers out of it. I just don't know why it was there.

The goal I had in mind when we entered the Whole Foods was to find a drink. Something unusual, but not disgusting. The Papaya Cayenne didn't really appeal to me. Actually almost every drink they had didn't appeal to me. By the grace of god we stumble upon a line of lemonades. I decide I will try the mango one in the name of experimentation (it was terrible). But, we still had a good bit of time before the movie started.

Bob Marley also has his own line of drinks now. Let's clarify that. His family using his picture now has their own line of drinks. I was interested. I was about to buy it. But, they were like caffeine boosters and energy drinks, and I am just not here for that. I do not need Bob Marley to help me with my mental capacity.

I don't think his family thought this through.

Oh, tea. They sell tea there. It's expensive. Expensive as hell actually. It was twenty dollars for a can of tea. Not loose leaf tea, mind you. Tea in a packet. Whole Foods thinks their funny. I'm here to inform them that they are not.

They also sell dog food. Over priced organic dog food. The dog is part of the family. But, it should not cost fifty dollars to feed a Yorkie every week. Try again Whole Foods.

Some of the drinks had those Chia seeds put in them. Now that is going too far. It also upsets me that they don't sell tabloids. The good stuff you know. Instead there were things like Yoga. This has to be the only store in the entire country of America that actively stocks a monthly magazine name Yoga and expects people to buy it.

Now Whole Foods was an experience. One you should consider in your life. I mean they have everything. A bakery, a deli. You could go bankrupt real quick there.

Having checked on their website. I have a few recipes you might want to try. I didn't.

RECIPES:

Peruvian Crab Causa
Relish
1/2 large red onion, finely chopped
1/2 cup white vinegar
1 (4-ounce) can sliced jalapeño peppers, with their juice
1/3 bunch cilantro, leaves and stems, finely chopped
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 (8-ounce) jar roasted yellow peppers, strained and finely chopped
1/2 lime, Juice of
Causa Layers
2 pounds Yukon potatoes
Salt and pepper, to taste
2 limes, Juice of
1/4 cup canola or corn oil
1 (16-ounce) can lump crab meat, drained
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 avocados, sliced
6 large romaine lettuce leaves, sliced

Grease a 12-inch rectangular bread mold with a bit of oil, then line it with 2 large pieces of plastic wrap, making sure they overlap so all the bottom and sides of the mold are covered and there is enough wrap on the sides of the mold with which to fold over and tightly cover the causa once it has been assembled. Set aside.

For the relish, put onions and vinegar into a medium bowl, cover and set aside for 45 minutes. Meanwhile, place the jalapeños and their juice into a blender and blend until smooth. Strain the mixture through a fine sieve, separating the juice from pulp left over. Reserve juice and pulp separately in small bowls. Strain the onions, discarding the vinegar and return to the bowl. Add cilantro, salt and pepper, 1/2 cup of the yellow peppers, lime juice and 1 tablespoon of the reserved jalapeño pulp. Cover and set relish aside. (Reserve remaining jalapeño pulp and juice for later use in the causa.)

For the causa, place potatoes in a large pot and cover by 2 inches with cold water. Add 2 tablespoons salt and bring to a boil. Cook for about 25 minutes, until potatoes are tender when pierced with a knife. Drain and let potatoes cool until you can handle them safely. Peel potatoes and press them through a potato ricer or the fine side of a cheese grater, making sure no lumps remain. Transfer potatoes to a large bowl and add the juice of 1 lime, oil and 1/4 cup of the reserved jalapeño juice. Mix with a potato masher, adding salt and pepper to taste. Place in the refrigerator until cooled.

Meanwhile, mix crab meat with mayonnaise and juice from 1/2 a lime. Season with salt and pepper, cover and refrigerate. Put avocados, remaining juice from 1/2 a lime, salt and pepper into a bowl and toss gently to combine.

Use a large spoon to spread one-third of the potato mixture into a layer at the bottom of the bread mold. Arrange half of the avocado slices in the mold for the next layer, making sure all corners and sides of the mold are covered. Transfer about 6 dollops of the crab meat mixture to a small bowl, cover and refrigerate for later use. Spread half of the remaining crab meat mixture into the mold to make the next layer. Press down firmly with the back of a spoon. Repeat with one more layer each of the potato mixture, avocados and crab, then finish with a layer of potato mixture on top. Fold the plastic wrap over the top of the mold to cover completely. Press down slightly along the top of the mold, then refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

To serve, carefully uncover the plastic wrap and unmold the causa over a serving plate. Spread some of the reserved relish over the top of the causa. Arrange lettuce leaves on 6 serving plates. Cut the causa carefully into six slices and place one slice on top of the lettuce on each serving plate. Add more of the relish and a dollop of the reserved crab meat mix on top of each slice. Serve immediately.

Pasta Frittata, Chard Bacon, and Goat Cheese
2 cups whole wheat shells or fusilli
4 slices bacon, cut into small pieces
1 cup chopped yellow onion
4 lightly packed cups chopped chard
10 eggs
1 (4-ounce) package fresh goat cheese with garlic and herbs, crumbled
2 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Bring a medium pot of water to a boil, add pasta and cook until al dente, about 10 minutes. Drain well and set aside. (If you’re using leftover cooked pasta, you’ll need about 3 cups.)

Meanwhile, in a large, ovenproof skillet, cook bacon over medium-high heat until just crisp, 6 to 8 minutes. Transfer to a paper-towel-lined plate and set aside. Carefully discard all but 1 tablespoon drippings and then return the skillet to the heat. Add onion and cook, stirring often, until golden brown, about 5 minutes. Add chard and cook, tossing occasionally, until wilted, 2 to 3 minutes more.

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, whisk together eggs, half of the goat cheese, parsley, salt and pepper; stir in pasta and bacon. Pour into the skillet, spreading out evenly, top with remaining goat cheese and cook 2 minutes more.

Transfer to the oven and bake until set in the middle and golden brown around the edges, 10 to 15 minutes. Let rest for 10 minutes and then loosen edges and bottom and slide out onto a plate. Cut into wedges and serve.

PB&J Bites
1 1/4 cup rolled oats
1 1/4 cup dried currants
1/2 cup no-salt-added unsweetened peanut butter
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Place oats, currants, peanut butter, vanilla and cinnamon in a food processor and process until smooth and sticking together. Drizzle in 2 to 3 tablespoons hot water so that the mixture comes into a ball. Using a teaspoon, scoop out a heaping spoonful of the mixture. Roll into a ball, pressing firmly so that it sticks together. Chill bites until ready to serve. Refrigerate in an airtight container for up to 5 days or freeze for up to 1 week.

ALL RECIPES RETRIEVED FROM www.wholefoodsmarket.com

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