Rockin' Near The Christmas Tree

Just so we are clear, “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” is not one of my favorite Christmas songs. I can bop to it, but it is not my jam for life. I just felt it was an appropriate title. Our Christmas tree is this massive eight foot tall monstrosity and its always pushed near the corner. You can't really dance around it. You could say that you can dance near it, but that is a little bit of stretch.

This is basically a rough outline of how to get your Christmas on.

The first step is decoration. When decorating for Christmas, remember that there is no such thing as too much Christmas. It is one month out of the year and it's supposed to be over top. My family gets turnt the fuck up.

Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.

We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy.  

Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.

As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down.

Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random.

The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas. 

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At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.

Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it.

Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.

I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well.  

I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.

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The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.

I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.

RECIPES:
Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread
8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly
1 package of Crackers

Place the block of cream cheese on a platter.

Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese

Serve with crackers

Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
1 tablespoon of Orange Zest
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
5 Eggs
5 Egg Yolks
¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1/3 cup of Cornstarch
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 cups of Berries

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out.
Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside.

Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate.

Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form.

Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.

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Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon
¾ cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 tablespoons of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside.

Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet.

Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside.

Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.  

Cashew Dreams
1 cup of softened Butter
6 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews
1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar
1 ½ tablespoon of Milk
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.

Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of softened Butter
¾ cup of Sugar
¾ cup of Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Chocolate Chips

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside.

Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.  

Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate
2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate
8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder
1 ¼ cups of Sugar
3 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoons of Salt
1 cup of Flour
1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly.

In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes.

Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils.

NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense.