Broad City has a lot of reasons to celebrate. The Comedy Central comedy has been picked up not only for a fourth season- but a fifth season as well. The show to the uninitiated follows two Jewish American women living in New York City played by llana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson. Executive produced by Amy Poehler the fourth season is premiering in August on the 23rd, shirking the January / February premier the show usually takes. Funny and riveting it's been praised by critics and fans alike. |
RuPaul has been out auditioning for roles. It's unclear if he will be appearing in or out of drag, but Glazer admits that “he's just so delicious. He's like godlike (…) even him doing like, normal shit (…) is just titillating.” The original supermodel of the world has been guest starring on Two Broke Girls, shopping around a sitcom about his life in the 80s and starring as one of the few highlights (along with Ellie Reed) on the Netflix original Girl Boss. And some how he still has time to host Drag Race. Amazing.
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The 9th season features 13 all new queens, including Farrah Moan and Jaymes Mansfield. Lady Gaga is expected to appear on the panel in episode one, and I have no doubt we will be gagging on the extravaganza that is to be this season.
It brought to mind all of my tic tac memories. I have so many. Not a Christmas goes by with a package of tic tacs in my stocking. And, the Easter basket isn't complete if a complete set of pastel colored tic tacs isn't waiting for my inner child.
Now, this is the premise of the tic tac diet. A diet I take part in. In the morning you eat one tic tac. In the afternoon you eat one tic tac. And at night you think about the two tic tacs you will eat tomorrow. It's a very healthy diet. It's great for you. There's a counting cup. RuPaul endorses it. Me (your favorite blogger) endorses it. And, who doesn't love tic tacs.
I knew of someone who used to only eat the outside of the tic tac. The full 1.9 calories was too much. So, they would suck on it until the candy shell dissolved. I personally think this is how pills should be flavored. Someone please still this idea from me and make it happen.
The company that makes tic tacs are God on earth. They make Ferroro Rocher. The pinnacle of chocolate making. Nutella is also manufactured by them. As much as they care about our waistlines, sometimes I think they don't.
RECIPES:
Tic Tac Pie 1 Baked Eight Inch Pie Crust 2 cups of Instant Chocolate Pudding 2 containers of Tic Tacs Full recipe at Is It Safe? (here)
Tic Tac Drink
1 part Orange Rum 1 Part Triple Sec 1 Part Orange Juice 1 Part Red Bull Full Recipe at Drink Nation (here)
Orange Tic Tac
2 ounces of Mandarin Vodka 2 ounces of Red Bull 3/4 ounce of Orange Juice Full recipe at Food (here)
“Biscuit”
What is also a food product? Biscuits.
Who can do a Tasty Tuesday on Ivy Levan. Spotlighting how amazing she is while at the same addressing the struggle that is Tasty Tuesday. Some fun facts about the song “Biscuit” is that it's a metaphor for the vagina. Turn up. I know. It's all about oral sex and I feel it. I would definitely say it's among the best female odes to vaginal pleasuring.
Granted the only other one I can think of is “Holy Water”. That's a Madonna song and just as sacrilegious as you would imagine. I definitely think that Rihanna's “Cockiness” counts. At some point she says “I love it when you eat it”. What is he eating? Probably not the box of chocolates he bought his girl on Valentine's Day.
Buy "Holy Water"
Bread is a holy experience. Jesus broke bread. Probably. Communion has bread like products that are involved in it. Bread is really the only reason to live. That's where the old colloquialism came from anyway “the best thing since sliced bread”. Things just don't top bread.
For the first time in at least a solid month all of the recipes I'm putting down are real Bubble Righted tested and approved. I enjoy the bread products and shout out to me for baking once in a great while. Sometimes you just got to make your own bread products. There are desperate times. Bake safely. Do not burn the house down. And in the words of RuPaul:
RECIPES:
Baking Powder Biscuits ½ cup of Shortening 2 cups of Flour 1 tablespoon of Sugar 3 teaspoons of Baking Powder 1 teaspoon of Salt ¾ cup of Milk Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Using a food processor, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt, pulsing until it resembles coarse crumbs. Add the milk, pulsing until the dough leaves the side of the bowl. Turn the dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead it lightly 10 times. Roll the dough to ½ inch thickness and cut with a round cookie cutter, placing the biscuits on an ungreased baking sheet about 1 inch apart. Bake the biscuits for 10-12 minutes, or until they are golden brown. Remove the biscuits from the baking sheet immediately and serve warm.
Buy "Biscuit"
Brioche
1 cup of Milk (scalded) 1 cup of Butter 2 teaspoons of Salt ½ cup of Sugar 2 packages of Yeast ¼ cup of lukewarm Water 4 Eggs 4 ½ cup of Flour Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Add the butter, salt, and sugar, to the scalded milk, stirring until the butter is melted. Set aside. Sprinkle the yeast into the lukewarm water, add the eggs, mixing well. Add the milk mixture, beating well, then beat in the flour. Let rise for 6 hours. Chill until to ready to use. Form the dough into 1 inch balls, brush with butter, and let rise until they are double in size. Bake for 20 minutes. Corn Bread 1 cup of Flour 1 cup of Yellow Cornmeal ¼ cup of Sugar 4 teaspoon of Baking Powder ¾ teaspoon of Salt 2 Eggs 1 cup of Milk ¼ cup of Canola Oil Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Combine the flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Add the eggs, milk, and canola oil, beating it until the mixture is smooth, about 1 minute. DO NOT OVERBEAT Pour the mixture into a greased bread pan, and bake for 20-25 minutes. Popovers 1 ¼ cups of Flour ¼ teaspoon of Salt 2 Eggs 1 teaspoon of Sugar 1 cup of Milk Preheat the oven to 425 degrees Combine the flour, salt, and sugar, mixing well. Gradually add the milk and eggs, beating thoroughly. Heat a well greased popover pan until it is hot. Pour the batter into the popover pan until each is about ½ full and bake for 27 minutes. Reduce the temperature to 300 degrees, and continue baking for another 3 minutes.
Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.
We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy.
Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.
As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down. Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random. The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas.
At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.
Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it.
Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.
I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well. I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.
The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.
I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.
RECIPES:
Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread 8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese ½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly 1 package of Crackers Place the block of cream cheese on a platter. Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese Serve with crackers
Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter 1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate 1 tablespoon of Orange Zest ½ teaspoon of Salt 1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar 5 Eggs 5 Egg Yolks ¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 2 cups of Flour 1/3 cup of Cornstarch 1 teaspoon of Baking Powder 1 cup of Heavy Cream 2 cups of Berries Preheat the oven to 325 degrees Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out. Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside. Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate. Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form. Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.
Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour 1 teaspoon of Baking Powder 1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon ¾ cup of softened Butter 1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar 1 Egg 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 2 tablespoons of Sugar Preheat the oven to 375 degrees Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside. Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended. Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet. Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside. Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown. Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.
Cashew Dreams
1 cup of softened Butter 6 tablespoons of Sugar 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 2 cups of Flour 1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews 1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar 1 ½ tablespoon of Milk ½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended. Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown. Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.
Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour 1 teaspoon of Baking Soda ½ teaspoon of Salt 1 cup of softened Butter ¾ cup of Sugar ¾ cup of Brown Sugar 2 Eggs 2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract 2 cups of Chocolate Chips Preheat the oven to 375 degrees Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside. Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended. Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown. Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.
Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate 2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate 8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter 3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder 1 ¼ cups of Sugar 3 Eggs 2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract ½ teaspoons of Salt 1 cup of Flour 1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly. In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes. Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils. NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense.
So, today prepared to be dazzled and open up your own candy shop with me. None of these recipes are that difficult, especially if you do it as a tag team. I was having a Christmas gathering of friends on the last Friday before Christmas. It was the day before on Thursday when Buttercup called me up and said she wanted to get together.
I told her if she wanted to come over she could, but mama had some baking to do. I was going all out for this party. I was making fudge, hot apple cider, plenty of cookies for Santa. As long as it wasn't healthy I was going to make it. Everything turned out fine except for the peanut butter fudge, that I burned twice mind you. My morning had just not started out that well, but I was bound and determined to get everything I wanted done.
Mind, you Buttercup and my first outing did not go that great either. We were making the Divinity. It said in the recipe to keep it on low heat. We did this. Apparently however the heat was too low. A half hour later the syrupy mixture had this beautiful amber color, but it still had not reached the temperature it was supposed to have reached twenty minutes ago. We both look at each other like WTF? So, I increase the temperature in order to compensate for this and we get it to the right temperature and mix it up just the way we were told to. We mix in the dried fruit (Highly recommended) and let it sit.
We proceed to clean the mixer and everything else the divinity had touched (NOTE: Use cold water to wash the dishes, hot water does NOT work). That was a pain.
After an hour or two my mother walks in and they have dried, the divinity. She tries one and she says there really chewy. Divinity is not supposed to be chewy. They are supposed to be succulent, dense but not too dense, or in simple terms heavenly. They melt. That is what Divinity does, if made right. It is not supposed to be chewy. So, the moral of this story is this: follow your instincts. If you think something is going terribly wrong while your cooking. Realize that something terribly wrong is going on with your cooking. Also do not cook the syrup on one, when it says low heat. It is going to make the syrup too dense. If that is even a thing. Do not be fooled by my negativity towards my Divinity. I put that mother trucker out there for the world to see, because Buttercup and I put a lot of energy into making it.
RECIPES:
Divinity 2 1/2 cup of Sugar 1/2 cup of Light Corn Syrup 1/2 cup of Water 2 Egg Whites 1 teaspoon o Vanilla Extract 1/2 cup of dried fruit (optional) 1/2 cup of nuts (optional) In a large saucepan, stir together the sugar, corn syrup, and water, heating until sugar dissolves and the mixture boils, 5-7 minutes. Avoid splashing the syrup on sides of pan. Reduce the heat, and cook without stirring over medium heat to 260 degrees (Hard Ball). The mixture should boil gently over the entire surface. (At the hard ball stage a few drops of syrup dropped into cold water will form a hard ball when removed from water.) Remove the saucepan from the heat and set aside. Immediately begin to beat the egg whites on medium speed until stiff peaks form. Gradually pour the syrup in a thin stream over egg whites beating them constantly on high speed. Add the syrup slowly, it should take about 3 minutes. Add the vanilla extract, continuing to beat on high speed until the candy holds its shape when the beaters are removed, about 5-6 minutes. When the candy is beaten enough, the mixture will stay mounded in soft shape when a spoonful is dropped onto wax paper. NOTE: If mixture is too stiff add a few drops of hot water and beat until it is softer. When the candy holds its shape, stir in the fruit or nuts. If desired. Quickly spoon the candy be teaspoonful onto wax paper. Cool and store in airtight container. Lemon Crunch 1 pound of White Chocolate 1/2 cup of crushed Lemon Drops Melt the chocolate in the microwave, stirring every 20 seconds until it is all melted. Add the lemon drops, stirring to coat well. Pour the mixture onto wax paper and spread it thinly. Let it cool for a few hours, then break the bark into pieces and store it in airtight container. NOTE: This is an easy recipe that anyone can do, and it will make you look so impressive, because who can make candy? This recipe also has easy variations that just include switching up the add in, so you can constantly look like your reinventing. Oreo Balls 1 Package of Oreos 1 pound of Dark chocolate 8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese Using a food processor, pulse the Oreos until they are the consistency of heavy flour. Knead in the cream cheese by hand until it is mixed thoroughly. Refrigerate the dough as long as over night. Roll the dough into similar shaped balls (Not larger than 1 inch), then dip them in the dark chocolate and place them on wax paper to dry. NOTE: Not as user friendly as the Lemon Crunch this recipe is still very accessible if you do not feel comfortable dipping the Oreo balls in chocolate. It is hard to make them look perfect and if you thrive on perfection, I suggest dusting them with powder sugar. elegant, sophisticated, and you don't have to go to the extra expense of buying that pound of chocolate.
That is too much information. I love you, but calm yourself. That is just something you think. I personally do not really understand this concept of wanting to eat food off of your lovers body, but I am not totally judging. I will try anything once and who knows it could be really fun. It would combine my favorite activity of eating into the mix. Let me tell you how uncomfortable it was going through the cookbooks, specifically looking for food I could eat off of someone's body. I don't know how I would explain that one to my mother. She always sees me in the cookbooks, and whenever she asks me what I'm doing. I tell her I'm looking for something to make. I'm surprised she hasn't asked me why I'm always looking for recipes and I never make any. We are also not talking at the moment. It's been a week and the last time I talked to her, I said “hello, madre”. She glared at me and didn't respond. It's really wonderful living at home. I also told everyone that I wasn't going to write this article. I told them the concept and added the forewarning that I was not going to write it. Well, here I am. Even, two days ago I said I wasn't going to. I was out to dinner with Rosencrantz and I told her about it. I was like I'm never going to write this. We see how that works.
RECIPES: Clotted Cream 1 cup of Heavy Cream 1/3 cup of Sour Cream 3 tablespoons of Powdered Sugar Whipped Cream 1 cup of Heavy Cream 1 tablespoons of Sugar 1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract Whip the heavy cream, sugar, and vanilla extract until stiff peaks form. Hazelnut Spread (Known to the world as Nutella) 1 cup of toasted and peeled Hazelnuts 2 tablespoons of Canola Oil 2 tablespoons of Powdered Sugar 1 tablespoons of Coca Powder ½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract 12 ounces of melted Milk Chocolate Using a food processor, pulse the hazelnuts until they make a paste. While the machine is running, drizzle in the canola oil, processing until it is well combined. Add the powdered sugar, cocoa powder, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Push the mixture through a strainer to remove and chunks, then stir into the melted chocolate and let cool. Lemon Curd 1 cup of fresh Lemon Juice 1 teaspoon of Unflavored Gelatin 1 ½ cup of Sugar 1/8 teaspoon of Salt 6 Egg Yolks 4 Eggs 8 tablespoons of Butter Sprinkle the unflavored gelatin over 1 tablespoon of lemon juice. Set aside. Combine the remaining lemon juice, sugar, and salt, heating until the sugar has dissolved. Set aside. Whisk together the yolks, and eggs until they are well combined. Slowly whisk in the lemon juice mixture, cooking over a medium low heat, stirring constantly, until the mixture has thickened, 4-6 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the unflavored gelatin and butter. Refrigerate until it is spreadable about 4 hours. Butterscotch Sauce 1 cup of Brown Sugar 2 tablespoons of Light Corn Syrup ¼ cup of Milk 2 tablespoons of Butter Combine all of the ingredients, bringing to a boil, and stirring for 3-4 minutes or until thickened.
Mashed Potatoes
4 boiled Potatoes 4 tablespoons of Butter ¼ cup of Heavy Cream 4 tablespoons of Cream Cheese ½ teaspoons of Salt Drain the potatoes well, then add the butter, heavy cream, cream cheese, and salt, mashing until well mixed, and the desired consistency. |
AboutEverything's a competition when you're raised by the television. SOCIAL MEDIA
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