This week I'm applying a different format to Taystee Tuesday.
Miss Sara Bellum says to me, “You should write a Taystee Tuesday.”
Recently, she introduced me to Orange Is The New Black. I don't have Netflix, so she said we should watch it together. I can't express how much I loved it. We only got through three episodes the first day, and I immediately went out and bought the first season, so I could keep watching without her.
Now, I'm on the ninth episode of season two. I'm actually going over to Miss Sara Bellum's to finish season two today. My heart is palpitating.
Miss Sara Bellum says to me, “You should write a Taystee Tuesday.”
Recently, she introduced me to Orange Is The New Black. I don't have Netflix, so she said we should watch it together. I can't express how much I loved it. We only got through three episodes the first day, and I immediately went out and bought the first season, so I could keep watching without her.
Now, I'm on the ninth episode of season two. I'm actually going over to Miss Sara Bellum's to finish season two today. My heart is palpitating.
CAUTION: Some Plot Points Revealed
But, let me explain the naming of today's article to those of you who are not familiar with the show. Orange Is The New Black is centered around the character Piper Chapman as she struggles through prison with her fellow inmates. One whose name is Taystee.
Taystee is one of my favorite characters. Strong, independent. Fierce. She's a major part of one of the four major factions within Orange Is The New Black. She's part of the “Ghetto” along with Poussey (Taystee's lesbian best friend), Burset (Transgender hair dresser), Black Cindy, Suzanne “Crazy Eyes”, and Vee (Queen bitch of the Ghetto)
Taystee is one of my favorite characters. Strong, independent. Fierce. She's a major part of one of the four major factions within Orange Is The New Black. She's part of the “Ghetto” along with Poussey (Taystee's lesbian best friend), Burset (Transgender hair dresser), Black Cindy, Suzanne “Crazy Eyes”, and Vee (Queen bitch of the Ghetto)
| "He's not an eggplant.He's retarded!" -Red |  |
Vee is Taystee's spiritual godmother. She took her off the streets in order to have Taystee become part of her drug dealing cartel (all in the name of good parenting). Faced off against them are the Latino's headed by Mendoza and the angry Russian Red (Otherwise known as the Empress Supreme)
As all this is going on, the people running Litchfield prison are robbing the place, having sex with inmates, letting people get attacked on Christmas. Shit is getting real. They give no fucks.
Let's also not forget that Piper, is thinking about getting it on with her ex-girlfriend Alex who sent her to prison. As if that's acceptable. She's still engaged to Larry (Who wants to get it on with her best friend while she's in prison). The only redeeming quality behind this is the fact that Laura Prepon's eyebrows are always on point.
As all this is going on, the people running Litchfield prison are robbing the place, having sex with inmates, letting people get attacked on Christmas. Shit is getting real. They give no fucks.
Let's also not forget that Piper, is thinking about getting it on with her ex-girlfriend Alex who sent her to prison. As if that's acceptable. She's still engaged to Larry (Who wants to get it on with her best friend while she's in prison). The only redeeming quality behind this is the fact that Laura Prepon's eyebrows are always on point.
One of the patients has terminal cancer and is probably going to die next season. There's also religious fanatic, reformed meth head Pennsatucky who's in jail for killing a woman who gave her an abortion.
The only person who you might call normal is the guard “Bennett” and he willingly hung out with Pornstache outside of work. The man's nickname is Pornstache for God's sake.
The only person who you might call normal is the guard “Bennett” and he willingly hung out with Pornstache outside of work. The man's nickname is Pornstache for God's sake.
"The trick is to pretend that the salt is sugar"
- Crazy Eyes on how to eat prison food
- Crazy Eyes on how to eat prison food
Hardcore lesbians Nicky and Big Boo are also trying to see who can have sex with the most inmates. These conjugal relationships are happening in tool sheds, bathrooms. Church. This is not sanitary. Meanwhile, Morello over here (An inmate just to clarify) is driving the prison van around. Why is a prisoner driving a van?
These are just the highlights mind you. I haven't even really digged deep into this show. I haven't even mentioned Miss Claudette who's the coldest bitch. And, I love it.
But, I can't lose sight of why were here today. You need some good recipes. If you ever plan on going to prison. I got you covered.
These are just the highlights mind you. I haven't even really digged deep into this show. I haven't even mentioned Miss Claudette who's the coldest bitch. And, I love it.
But, I can't lose sight of why were here today. You need some good recipes. If you ever plan on going to prison. I got you covered.
Recipes:
Prison Cheesecake
Prepare a crust of graham cruckers mixed with four pats of margarine, stolen from the dining hall. Bake it in a Tupperware bowl for about a minute in the microwave and allow to cool and harden.
Take one full round of laughing cow cheese, smash with a fork, and mix with a cup of vanilla pudding until smooth. Gradually mix in one whole container of cremora, even though it seems gross. Beat viciously until smooth. Add lemon juice from the squeeze bottle until the mixture starts to stiffen.
NOTE: This will use most of plastic lemon
Pour into the bowl atop the crust and put on ice in your bunkie's cleaning bucket to chill until ready to eat.
USE: To prove you can still be culinary in prison.
Prison Houch
Mix a can of Cherry Dr. Pepper with instant coffee, cocoa, cappuccino mix, a carton of milk, and some leftover sugar packets to make a drink that tastes as close to cognac as you will get in prison. I would not let this one ferment.
USE: To mourn the loss of a good friend and/or get drunk
Prison Cheesecake
Prepare a crust of graham cruckers mixed with four pats of margarine, stolen from the dining hall. Bake it in a Tupperware bowl for about a minute in the microwave and allow to cool and harden.
Take one full round of laughing cow cheese, smash with a fork, and mix with a cup of vanilla pudding until smooth. Gradually mix in one whole container of cremora, even though it seems gross. Beat viciously until smooth. Add lemon juice from the squeeze bottle until the mixture starts to stiffen.
NOTE: This will use most of plastic lemon
Pour into the bowl atop the crust and put on ice in your bunkie's cleaning bucket to chill until ready to eat.
USE: To prove you can still be culinary in prison.
Prison Houch
Mix a can of Cherry Dr. Pepper with instant coffee, cocoa, cappuccino mix, a carton of milk, and some leftover sugar packets to make a drink that tastes as close to cognac as you will get in prison. I would not let this one ferment.
USE: To mourn the loss of a good friend and/or get drunk
King Cone
1 King Cone
Found in Commissary
USE: It's better then anything you've been making.
1 King Cone
Found in Commissary
USE: It's better then anything you've been making.
Throwing Pie
1 Slice of Pie
You throw the pie
USE: Demonstration of your love for someone
1 Slice of Pie
You throw the pie
USE: Demonstration of your love for someone
Funfetti Cake
Boxed Cake
Icing
Funfetti
Follow directions on cake box, put icing on top, cover with funfetti
USE: Trade it in for some stale cigarettes
Boxed Cake
Icing
Funfetti
Follow directions on cake box, put icing on top, cover with funfetti
USE: Trade it in for some stale cigarettes
Chicken Kiev
You must find a smart chicken so you can kill it and absorb all it's powers
USE: You probably won't be using this one
You must find a smart chicken so you can kill it and absorb all it's powers
USE: You probably won't be using this one
The Tampon Sandwich
1 Used Tampon
2 Slices of Bread
Laying one slice of bread down, you put the used tampon in the middle, and cover it with the other slice of bread.
USE: Given to anyone who disrespects your food.
1 Used Tampon
2 Slices of Bread
Laying one slice of bread down, you put the used tampon in the middle, and cover it with the other slice of bread.
USE: Given to anyone who disrespects your food.
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