Category: Sexy

The Perks of Being A Waffle

7/26/2016

My mother threw away our waffle iron. She said that no one in our family liked waffles. I told her no one is this family likes to cook. She threw it away anyway.

Recently my family made the decision to get another waffle iron. Do I know why? Hell no. But, it's not my money and it's nice to know that I now have the option to not make waffles when I want to. Now I can just bitch about being unwilling to make waffles.

Waffles are the brutally shaped version of the pancake. The pancake is slim and circular, sometimes shaped. It must be torture being molded and shaped into the perfect waffle. Just like the American education system or the children of evangelical pastors. In other news I wonder why we don't hear more about waffle rebellion.

You know what I love about waffles is that they are ridgy and sexy as hell. You can put that syrup in their. That butter. Maybe some strawberries if your feeling especially wild. Whip cream if your metabolism can handle the calories.

Pancakes are just not as good as waffles. You can do so much more with waffles. Sure pancakes are slim, but we need to stop shape shaming waffles. They are beautiful just the way they are.

There is not a day I go on twitter without seeing Waffle House trending. I don't know what's happening at Waffle House's across the United States, but something interesting. Cousins are fucking each other. Someone's getting chocolate chips in their waffles. Others are upset about getting court documents served while they have a fork in their Belgian waffles. Real problems happen there.

Waffle Houses are the center of all drama and all prostitutes in America. Country singer, Brandy Clark recently sang, “we don't have have Waffle House, but we always have something to talk about.” Bitch what are you talking about.

Waffles are also the most important part of a college campus. People take ten year to get the batter out and put it in the waffle maker. Then they burn it and make another one and you just want to yell at them to make some toast and grab the grape jelly and go, but you don't because your a good conservative Christian.

I'm writing this and I still don't know what the fuck a Belgian waffle is. And, if you think I'm googling you are underestimating how good my wifi is.

I do particularly enjoy a good chicken and waffles. It's the kind of thing that doesn't sound good. You see the syrup and the powdered sugar and you think to yourself, “what kind of New Orleans bullshit is this” and then you bite in and your like “damn New Orleans knows what the fuck is up.”

This is just a PSA from your friendly neighborhood blogger to love the waffle like it is your child. Although most of us have pancakes (sometimes known as flapjack), you should not discriminate against the waffle just because it's look different from other breakfast foods. Waffles have feelings too.

RECIPES:
Wheat Bran Waffles
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ cup of Wheat Bran
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
4 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Buttermilk
¼ cup of Honey

Prepare and heat waffle iron.

Whisk together the flour, wheat bran, salt, and baking soda in bowl. In a seperate bowl whisk together egg yolks, butter, honey, and buttermilk. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until still peaks form. Make a well in the center of dry ingredients, pour the buttermilk mixture into well, and whisk gently until the mixture is just incorporated. Fold the whipped egg whites into the batter.

Spread the appropriate amount of batter onto the waffle iron and cook until golden brown.

Waffles Benedict
2 cups of All Purpose Baking Mix
1 1/3 cup of Buttermilk
½ cup of Parmesan Cheese
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
5 Large Eggs
½ teaspoon of White Vinegar
0.9 ounce envelope of Hollondaise Sauce Mix
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
¼ teaspoon of Dried Tarragon
8 slices of Prosciutto

Stir together baking mix, next 3 ingredients, and 1 egg into a bowl until well blended. Let stand for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, add water to a depth of 3 inches in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and maintain a light simmer. Add vinegar. Break remaining 4 eggs, and slip into water, 1 at a time, as close as possible to surface. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes or to desired degree of doneness. Remove with a slotted spoon. Trim edges if desired.

Cook batter in a preheated, lightly greased waffle iron until golden.

Prepare the hollandaise sauce according to package directions, adding lemon juice and tarragon.

Stack 2 waffles, and top with 2 prosciutto slices, 1 poached egg, and desired amount of hollandaise sauce.

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A Pescatarian Diet

3/22/2016

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There's so many great things that come with being pescatarian. You get to eat as many goldfish as you want.

Pescatarianism is a step below the more extreme vegetarianism. You get to chew out all of gods scuttling little fish creatures. The cute ones who get their heads chopped off by the chef in The Little Mermaid.

I said to myself that I could be a pescatarian. I was sitting on my bed. Staring up at the ceiling. Already through my second bag of pretzel shaped goldfish and I said this is what I want in my life to be a pescatarian. I'm already basically a vegetarian, but I refuse to give up my goldfish. I'm not in hell yet and I will enjoy my earthly pleasures until I join Satan.

It's not that I try not to eat meat. It's just what happens in my life. I could never be vegan. Cheese is part of my life. Pizza is the answer.

Also eggs. How do you avoid eggs. That's just something I could not avoid. I'm going to eat that wedding cake. I'm in the bridal party to meet eligible groomsmen and when that falls through I have to console myself some how. As great as veganism sounds. Fuck all of that.

Another great thing about being pescatarian is that you get to eat Swedish fish. Their sexy. Their colorful and they taste like edible cardboard. I love it.

The only bad thing about pescatarians is the lack of chicken. Sure you have the chicken of the sea. Tuna. But, who really likes tuna? In the sweetest way possible, tuna is kind of shit. It's the shit of the sea. Shout out to that person in marketing who came up with that slogan, but it's full of fallacies and deceit. It's also blasphemous to the chicken. It didn't deserve that.

You also can't eat a burger. The only meat I really indulge in. Steak is not for me. I used to be able to eat it, but now I'm like. How was I so blood thirsty? How was I so carnivorous and testosterone charged that I thought this was a good idea?

Now the only decide to becoming a pescatarian with me is all of that genetically modified salmon that the FDA legalized. Like I'm fine with the FDA doing it's thing, but they don't have to differentiate on the package what kind of salmon it is. Now I'm sure it's going to turn out fine.

However, I'm going to let everyone else get mercury poison and enlarged prostates, while I'm on the sidelines eating halibut having a good time with my normally sized prostate.

I'm pescatarian with the caveat of no salmon and the emphasis on goldfish and the purest representation of the Swedish people, Swedish fish.

Below are all my beautiful fish recipes that I've wanted to share with you. If you were looking for a recipe on how to make goldfish or Swedish fish, you need to go to a store. I don't understand why your being so difficult. Go to Walmart. Save money. Save time. And buy a family sized box of goldfish. There is no reason to be this difficult.

RECIPES:
Maple Glazed Salmon
4 Salmon Steaks
1 tablespoon of Maple Syrup
1 tablespoon of Teriyaki Sauce
1 tablespoon of Pineapple Juice
1 teaspoon of minced Ginger Root
1 clove of minced Garlic

Combine the maple syrup, teriyaki sauce, pineapple juice, ginger root, and garlic, mixing well. Marinate the salmon in the refrigerator for 1-24 hours.

Grill for 15 minutes. Do not turn.

Rum Salmon
6 Salmon Steaks
1 cup of Rum
1 cup of Brown Sugar
½ cup of Salt
1 tablespoon of Pepper

Pour the rum over the salmon steaks and let it marinate for 15 minutes at room temperature, drain and pat dry with paper towels. Set aside.

Combine the brown sugar, salt, and pepper. Spread 1/3 in a casserole dish, place the salmon steaks on top, and the remaining brown sugar mixture over the salmon. Cover and marinate in the refrigerator for 4 hours.

Grill for 4-6 minutes per side.

Shrimp Tacos
2 pounds of uncooked Shrimp
3 cloves of minced Garlic
1/3 cup of Lime Juice
3 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
Corn Tortillas
1 teaspoon of Chili Powder
1 teaspoon of Cumin
½ teaspoon of Red Pepper

Combine the garlic, lime juice, lemon juice, chili powder, cumin, and red pepper. Marinate the shrimp for 10 minutes, turning once. Grill the shrimp.

In the meantime heat or fry your tortillas.

Serve with sour cream and salsa.

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Cigars! Cigarettes! Cookies!

2/23/2016

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Girl Scout cookie season is upon us.

That might not be true, but the inspiration behind this blog post is there. Recently, I assisted in a bake sale for the GSA. The Gay Straight Alliance. Not the SGA, or any similarly titled fraternity. We gayed it up and we sold out. It was completely amazing.

Bake sales are the suburban way of taking back their neighborhoods and getting quick investments of out of old white people. We the gays have propagated that in an attempt to add some rainbow to the world.

I got roped into this event. My cooking skills are lacking, but I said to myself I'll help. Then, it came to the week and it was homecoming. I had events. I had tests. I had things to do. Sleep to catch up on. Then, I got corned late night in the library. Bake something. No one's bringing anything. Through my bleary red eyes I agreed, the good person I am.

At home I put some things in the mixer. I decided on peanut butter cookies, because the allergic slut that I am will not be tempted to eat them. I put them in the oven. Set the timer and sit down at the kitchen table and pass out. I wake up to the blearing of the microwave to take out the burning cookies. We sell them for 50 cents each the next day.

I'm a good gay.

The title of this Tasty Tuesday came from the movie Troop Beverly Hills. It's a classic part of my childhood. In an attempt to outsell Velda Plendor and her Red Feathers, Shelly Long has her girls go through out Beverly Hills selling cookies. Cigars! Cigarettes! Cookies! You have to cover all the markets.

There's one part where one of the girls dons a Tina Turner wig and sings her out on the corner of Rodeo Drive singing “It's Cookie Time.” The other girls give her girl group realness and choreographed dancing. Indie rocker, Jenny Lewis is their with her sexy red hair.

It's a movie about wealthy, privileged girls, roughing it in hotel rooms and designer sleeping bags. There's romance. Divorce. Affairs. All of it wrapped up in a PG rating.

Troop Beverly Hills is what powered me through my baking that night. They might have sold boxes of cookies and I might have to bake mine. But, what else could you expect? I live in the wrong zip code and I'm not part of an internationally recognized organization.

I'm sure there was a time when the Girl Scouts actually made their own cookies, used their own ovens. But, those times have passed. Now, preboxes samosas, thin mints, and peanut butter cookies flood the market place to end up in everyone's freezer when they decide they want to put off their weight gain.

The collection of cookies below are tried and true recipes of the good old days that don't come from a plastic wrapper.

RECIPES:
Peanut Butter Cookies
1 ¼ cup of Flour
¾ teaspoon of Baking Soda
¼ teaspoon of Salt
½ cup of Butter
½ cup of Peanut Butter
½ cup of Sugar
½ cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

Cream the butter, peanut butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Roll the dough into 1 inch balls, roll them in sugar and place them on an ungreased baking sheet, making a criss cross pattern in each cookie with the tines of a fork. Bake for 10 minutes or until they are light brown.

Let cool for 1 minute before removing the cookies to a wire rack to cool.

Butter Cookies
2 ½ cups of Flour
¾ teaspoon of Baking Powder
¼ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Butter
2/3 cup of Sugar
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Combine the flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

Cream the butter and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Bake for 10 minutes or until they are light brown.

Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Butter
¾ cup of Sugar
¾ cup of Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Chocolate Chips

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking soda and salt, mixing well. Set aside.

Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the chocolate chips mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet, baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.

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Cooking By Myself

8/25/2015

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This statement isn't entirely true. I had two guests in the kitchen. Miss Sara Bellum and the Mayor, but they were more observers then sous chefs. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

It was a Tuesday. The irony was noted and the twins and I got together to make food. The previous Saturday we had stopped by the library after seeing Mad Max: Fury Road. I got a string of books and as usual I was dredging up that I had nothing to write about for Tasty Tuesday. Miss Sara Bellum said to me. Get a cookbook. Make something.

The heavens deposited Suzanne Somer's The Sexy Forever Recipe Bible into my hands. As my mother said to me when I brought the book home. “I never thought she was that sexy to begin with.”

The twins were undecided as to whether she was one of the leggy blondes on Baywatch or Charlie's Angels. They were mistaking Suzanne Somers for Pamela Anderson and Farrah Fawcett respectively. Off the top of my head I didn't remember her show, but I knew they were wrong. If your trying to place her face your thinking about Three's Company and Step By Step. I had to google it. Feel no shame if you didn't know that information.

Farrah Fawcett

Pamela Anderson

Suzanne Somers

Now in true twin fashion they were completely on time. They were supposed to arrive around 6:00. I expected them about 6:15. They called. They were in traffic. They would be there at 6:45. 7:15 rolls around and the door bell finally rings. They were perfectly on time.

No part of the twins body is configured for cooking. I guesstimate to often for my own good. I had already started the soup. It was a Red Pepper Soup with Crispy Sage Leaves. It oozed healthiness. I also made it completely wrong. The roasted red peppers were not roasted. The crispy sage leaves were both sage and thyme. And, they weren't used as garnish, I blended them right into the soup.

My body felt cleansed by this meal. All the toxins flowed right out of me. And, according to Suzanne the detox level was 1 and 2. So, that's exciting.

This is the first time that I've actually made the food I'm talking about for a Tasty Tuesday in ages. It's refreshing. By the time the doorbell finally rang I had the soup on simmer waiting forty minutes for it to be pulverized by the blender. We started on the cheesecake.

It was called a Capuccino Cheesecake. I used regular coffee. And, I substituted regular cane sugar for this Somer Sweet she speaks of. I don't think that's even in production. There's no crust on this cheesecake. Too many calories I suppose. Wax paper had to be layed down to protect it.

At the point we expertly put it into it's water bath and set in the oven heated to 350 degrees we realized we needed some skanky bathing suits to go to the water park in. I'm publishing an article on Wednesday on that next week if you want to know more.

I left my mother in charge of handling the timer. We went out. Found a cute top for Miss Sara Bellum and I decided to purchase Sia's 1000 Forms of Fear. A fire of an album. It slays. I found a perfectly scandalous bikini bottom for the water park online. It all worked out. So, much for saving money.

We get home and we're picking out music for our roadtrip and my mother calls me on the home phone to let me know that the timer is going off and that I need to take the cheesecake out. This was one of the few moments in my life where I was like woman.

I take the cheesecake out. Wrap it in saran wrap and put it in the fridge. It won't be ready until tomorrow, but Miss Sara Bellum and I took a bite out of it and we thought it slayed.

In hopes of maintaining our healthy diet. We made a drink I would describe as a root beer float with coffee instead of root beer. We were supposed to make the coffee ice cream by ourselves. We store bought it. We were supposed make whipped cream. We just skipped that step. The only thing we did right was make the simple chocolate syrup by ourselves. And, we used chocolate chips instead of dark chocolate.

It was good. Tens across the board good of course not, but this is in a healthy cook book. This is supposed to help you keep your figure not destroy it. It honestly reminded me of Javachiller you could get at Sonic. The only thing my mother didn't like was the simple chocolate syrup.

We threw the excess chocolate syrup onto the cappuccino cheesecake and I preceded to lick the pan clean. The soup wasn't as filling as you might expect.

I will probably not be adding the Suzanne Somer cookbook to my shelf anytime soon, but I enjoyed dabbling into her world of health. She makes her own broth apparently. And, as Barry Manilow says, “The only food I really look forward to eating is Suzanne's.” With celebrity endorsement like that how can you go wrong?

RECIPES:
Red Pepper Soup with Crispy Sage Leaves
2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 minced Celery Stalk
1 minced Onion
6 Roasted Red Peppers
Salt
1 diced Celery Root
2 cups of Chicken Broth
Garnish
Olive Oil
40 Fresh Sage Leaves
Salt
¼ cup of Sour Cream

In a stockpot, combine the olive oil, celery, and onion. Cook over moderate heat until the vegetables are soft and fragrant, 10-15 minutes. Add the red peppers and cook 3-4 minutes more. Season with salt. Add the celery root, 1 quart of water, and the stock. Cover and cook over moderate heat until the celery root is soft, about 40 minutes.

Heat a medium skillet over medium heat. Pour in enough oil to cover the bottom of pan. When the oil is hot but not smoking, add the sage leaves. Fry until crispy, 1-2 minutes. Drain on paper towels. Sprinkle with salt.

Puree the soup in the pot with a hand mixer or in batches in a blender or food processor. Ladle into warmed shallow soup bowls. Drizzle each bowl with sour cream in an attractive pattern. Sprinkle a few fried sage leaves on top and serve.

FUN FACT: The only thing I did in that last paragraph was puree the soup.

Cappuccino Cheesecake
24 ounces of Cream Cheese
1 cup of Sugar
3 Eggs
¾ cup of Sour Cream
1 tablespoon of Vanilla Extract
½ cup of Coffee
½ cup of Hot Water
2 cups of Whipped Cream

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter the sides and bottom of a 9 inch spring form pan. Line the bottom with a double thickness of waxed paper. Lay two 24 inch long pieces of aluminum foil on a work surface to make an X. Place the pan in the center of the foil and fold up around the sides to form a waterproof jacket.

In a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese and sugar until light and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Add the sour cream and vanilla. Mix until smooth. Add the coffee and mix well.

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and place in a large roasting pan. Place the roasting pan in the preheated oven and pour enough hot water into the roasting pan to surround the cheesecake pan with 1 inch of water.

Bake for 1 hour. Turn off the oven and let the cheesecake cool in the oven for an additional hour without opening the door. Remove the cheesecake from the water bath and cool to room temperature.

Cover the cheesecake and refrigerate in the springform pan, preferably overnight. To unmold, run a warm knife around the edge of the cheesecake and transfer the cheesecake to a serving dish. Garnish with whipped cream and coffee beans.

Bruce's Cafe Legois
6 ounces of Dark Chocolate
¾ cup of Heavy Cream
1 pint of Coffee Ice Cream
½ cup of Coffee
1 cup of Whipped Cream

Place the broken up chocolate in a medium bowl. Pour the cream into a small saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the hot cream to the chocolate and stir until all the lumps are gone.

Place 2 scoops of coffee ice cream in each glass. Pour a little hot espresso over the top of each. Drizzle a little chocolate sauce over the top. Garnish with whipped cream.

ALL RECIPES from the cookbook The Sexy Forever Recipe Bible by Suzanne Somers.

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The American & French Chef

3/24/2015

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I feel like I haven't mentioned in a while what a struggle writing Tasty Tuesday's are for me. You don't understand, there is a struggle. The struggle is beyond real. So, I will take any inspiration I can get. I'm not quite sure why Julia Child's hit me as that inspiration. I really have no idea.

To be honest, none of the recipes in today's article have been tried out by me. Let's be real. I am not a French chef. I was not about to do any of the crazy things Julia Child was throwing in as suggestions. I really do like Julia Child. Back when I didn't have responsibilities I would watch her cooking show on PBS. I think it was The French Chef, but it could have been the one she did with Jacques. I always wondered why it was called the French chef. Julia Child's is not French. She is American it was just very confusing.

I definitely think Julia and I would have been best friends, if I knew her and was born you know like eighty years ago. Do you not love the suggestion that Julia Child was an ace super spy for America in World War II. You need to watch Julia on her cooking show. This is a wonderfully awkward woman, I just can't picture her as a spy of any kind. That's probably why she made such a great spy. If she was a spy.

That is one thing I hold against that movie Julie & Julia. It did not answer this question. It was such a good movie, though. I say as I haven't seen it in at least five years. Is there such a thing as a bad movie when Meryl Streep is in it. You could put Meryl Streep in the role of Batman and she would be the right choice. She's Meryl Streep.

Then, Amy Adams was in it and Amy Adams is bae. Hopefully you saw her on the cover of Vogue last December. She looked stunning. Because, she is stunning. I hope I didn't make you think I was going to relive the experiences of Amy Adam's character in that movie.

I am not cooking one recipe from Julia Child's cookbook every day. I don't think so. That is too much effort to be honest. Me waking up in the morning is really good enough to prove my existence.

The most heartbreaking moment in Julie & Julia is when Amy Adam's character is told that Meryl Streep doesn't 'understand' the concept of the blog. That was just rude for someone to point out to Amy Adam's first of all and secondly Julia Child would have been in her late eighties at this point. Of course she doesn't understand the concept of what a blog is.

There is something so loveable about Julia Child. She's always eating on her cooking show, which would be me. Totally honest, I would be eating all the time. I would be overweight and sexy of course. Julia Child is just a great person.

I say that. Do you ever think about our favorite icons. Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline, James Dean. They were probably racist as fuck. Like I love them now in 2015 and what ever they thought in their respective time period wasn't controversial. But, that doesn't mean they weren't terrible people. What if Julia Child was a legit terrible person.

That is not important. She is adorable. That is how I will always think of her. Well, I always think of Meryl Streep playing her, but it's basically the same thing.

RECIPES:
Ratatouille
1 lb of Eggplant
1 lb pound of Zucchini
4-6 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 cloves of mashed Garlic
1 ½ cups of thinly sliced Yellow Onions
Salt & Pepper
2 Green Pepper
3 tablespoons of minced Parsley
1 ½ cups of canned Tomatoes

Peel and cut the eggplant. Make sure you cut eggplant into lengthwise slices that are about 1-inch wide, 3-inch long, and 3/8-inch thick. Scrub the summer squash and cut into piece the same size as eggplant. Take a bowl and put the vegetables into it. Toss the vegetables with one teaspoon salt. Set them aside for 30 minutes. Drain every slice and dry with a towel.

Take a skillet and put four tablespoons of olive oil into it. Sauté the summer squash and eggplant, one layer at a time, for about one minute until they vegetables are slightly browned. Take them out into a dish.

Cook pepper and onions in the same skillet. Add a couple of tablespoons of olive oil if needed. Cook the vegetables for 10 minutes until they are tender. Add the garlic and season the mixture with salt and pepper.

Take the tomatoes and slice its pulp into 3/8-inch strips. Layer the tomatoes over pepper and onions, and season them with salt and pepper. Cover the skillet and let the vegetables cook for about 5 minutes on a low heat until the tomatoes start to render their juice. Check the seasoning and raise the heat. Boil the vegetables in the tomato juice until the juice evaporates entirely.

Take a casserole, about 2½-inch deep, and put 1/3 of the tomato mixture into it. Sprinkle the freshly minced parsley over tomatoes. Next, arrange half of the summer squash and eggplant on top. Layer the remaining tomatoes and parsley. Put the remaining summer squash and eggplant, and finish off with the rest of tomatoes and parsley.

Cover the casserole and put it on a low heat. Let everything simmer for about 10 minutes. Check it after 10 minutes, and season it if necessary. Raise the heat a little and cook everything for 15 minutes uncovered. Cook until all the juices evaporate. Be very careful about the heat. Avoid the vegetables getting scorch at the bottom of casserole.

Take it out, and serve!

Apricot Sherbert
1 can of Apricot halves
½ cup of Sugar
Almond Extract
2 teaspoons of Lemon Juice
2 Eggs

Get a measuring cup (1 quart), and set aside. Get your apricots and start pureeing them until smooth, and pour it into the cup.

You have to make at least two quarts of pureed apricots for this recipe.

The next thing that you have to do, is combine the pureed apricots, lemon, and refined sugar into a mixer. In high speed, beat the mixture, until there are no signs of the refined sugar anymore.

Once the refined sugar is fully dissolved, you can now add your almond extract, and the egg whites. You can whip in the egg whites using your mixer, but I definitely recommend using an ice cream maker. It is easier and more efficient in making perfect sherbet.

If you do not have an ice cream maker, I heard that some people use food processors, which produces the same outcome as well.

Once the egg whites are whipped in, pour your mixture into a clean container, and put it inside the freezer.

The tricky part here is – you have to check the sherbet after two hours of freezing. You have to gently whip the mixture again, in order to prevent the ice from building up. You have to do this twice, or thrice, if you feel the need to do it.

Sherbet is not as solid as ice cream. It should have a consistency of a mousse. Before you serve the apricot sherbet, you have to whip once more, to achieve the kind of consistency that is perfect for a sherbet.

Potato & Leek Soup
2 tablespoons of Canola Oil
4-5 Russet Potatoes
6 cups of Vegetable Stock
Salt
3 Leeks
½ cup of Heavy Cream
1-2 teaspoons of Lemon Juice
1/3 cup of Parsley
½ cup of Creme Fraiche

Take a large Dutch oven or stockpot and put oil into it. Heat the oil over medium heat. Add potato and leek to the oil and cook for about 8 to 12 minutes until the vegetables start to soften and turn slightly brown. Don’t forget to stir occasionally. The cooking time varies depending entirely on the surface area of your pot’s bottom.

Next, you will have to add the vegetable/chicken stock to the vegetables. Bring it to a full boil and let it simmer for about 30 to 40 minutes. Again, the time might vary. Let the mixture boil until the vegetables are tender.

Blend the soup until it is smooth. You can use immersion blender for this purpose. Or, it can be done by transferring the soup to a blender and blending it in batches. After blending, add the cream to the soup and season it to taste with salt. It is recommended to start with a single teaspoon and go from there, tasting regularly. Add some lemon juice and mix it well. Ladle the soup into bowls and decorate it with crème fraiche and minced parsley.

You can make about 6 servings following this exact recipe.

ALL RECIPES FROM the cookbook Mastering The Art of French Cooking by Julia Child, Simone Beck, and Louisette Bertholle.

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Chapel of Love

2/10/2015

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This might be the most depressing thing ever. Every year on Valentines Day I celebrate. As one does. I am perpetually alone. That is not said. Until this year there wasn't anyone I wanted to spend Valentines Day with and I am slowly but surely getting over him.

Honestly being single has not been a bad life. This ritual I amassed has really came around from just wanting to celebrate a holiday that I don't really have any reason celebrating. I have a Valentine's Day play list, the top of which includes Bette Midler's fantastic “Chapel of Love”.

Buy "Chapel of Love"

It's all about the big day and love and spring and the enchantment that is getting married. Or at least I think it is. I've never gone through the marriage proposal. I was in one of my sister's weddings. I might have been in my oldest sister's wedding, but I don't remember. I feel like I was. Who knows. I'm sure I was cute.

I just don't know how people my age are getting married. I realize I am slow on the uptake. Still haven't had that first real kiss. Haven't gotten as far as what you would call a date and yet these other people have rings on their hands. WTF.

There's this one girl in my math class. She's 18, 19. My age and she is engaged and moved out of the house into this apartment complex. Her man is a mechanic and it's just too much. Of course I say that and J. Lo's engaged as well. It happened in October or November.

She's been dating this boy since high school. I'm fairly sure he was her first boyfriend. He's like a year older then her and they got engaged. I'm just like do as you will. I have no opinion. I can't get a boy to buy me black coffee at McDonald's let alone have a continued relationship with one. Lord I can't even get my crush- former crush to spend time with me.

J. Lo's boy toy is in college to be a youth pastor.

Gag me. Gag me, now. It makes me throw up in my mouth. Going into college, getting into debt, to do something you don't need any training for. Most people use the Bible as a user agreement that you don't read, you just press agree to. You don't need educational training for it.

Her fiance is very nice, though. I like him. Thunder's engaged to. She is four years older then J. Lo and who knows I might be in the wedding. It's going to be in May and it's going to be beautiful. You know she asked me if I need a plus one.

This bitch knows I am single as fuck. My plus one is going to be Rosencrantz. We went to prom together, so I feel like this is a good pairing. Speaking of love, the Mayor of Townsville has a really cute boy in one of her classes. He's hipster and has a bun. And, he sounds hot. But, I have no type, so ignore me.

I'm telling her just to sit next him. Like you don't have to talk to him. You don't even have to make eye contact. Just sit next to him. And, if somehow the opportunity arises for you to make conversation, who knows. And, she's sexy as fuck. This could work. She's hipster.

Of course as great as love is, that has nothing to do with what I do on Valentine's day. I make a wedding cake. A full blown wedding cake. Usually I don't decorate it, because that's too much effort and I watch a romantic comedy and cry. Actually, I don't usually cry. What I do is I go out and buy a new romantic comedy I've never seen, I come home, bake the cake, stuff my face, and watch the movie.

It's a great plan. I make the weirdest wedding cakes, though. Be forewarned. I think it's completely depressing, but I love it. This year I'm breaking the tradition. I'm not baking a cake. I'm just going out to see 50 Shades of Grey and love every minute of it.

God, I hate love.

RECIPES:
Mexican Wedding Cake
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
20 ounces of crushed Pineapple (Do not drain)
2 Eggs
3 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1-2 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees

Combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, crushed pineapple, and eggs beating well. Pour the batter into a prepared cake pan, and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Yellow Sheet Cake
2 ¾ cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Powder
¾ teaspoons of Salt
16 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Sugar
4 Eggs
1 tablespoon of Vanilla Extract
1 ½ cup of Milk

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease a baking pan and line with parchment paper.

Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together.

In another bowl, beat the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy about 3-6 minutes. Beat in the eggs and vanilla until combined for about 30 seconds.

Reduce the mixer speed and put in one third of the flour mixture and a half of the milk. Repeat step. Then, beat in the remaining flour until just incorporated.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan. Bake the cake for 25 to 30 minutes. Let it cool for two hours. Run a knife around the edges. Flip the cake over and serve.

NOTE: No one said that the wedding's I was attending were classy.

Frosting
3 sticks of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Heavy Cream
2 ½ teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
¼ teaspoon of Salt
3 cups of Powdered Sugar

Beat the butter, cream, vanilla, and salt on a high speed for 1 to 2 minutes. Reduce the mixer speed and incorporate the powdered sugar until smooth about 4 to 6 minutes. Increase the mixer speed and beat frosting until it is light and fluffy about 5 to 10 minutes.

NOTE: This is what I call the jilted groom. Why make the cake when you can just eat the frosting instead.

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We Oughta Be Drinking

10/8/2014

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I have mislead you. There will be no alcoholic recipes in this Tasty Tuesday. There is an eggnog recipe at the end, but that doesn't really count. I've never had eggnog with alcohol in it. I know that's how must people guzzle it, but that is not how I run my life.

The title of this article came from a song off of Sheryl Crow's last studio set Feels Like Home. I was not feeling witty or inspired to come up with a unique original tour de force, so I said why not steal the title of one of her songs for this article.

There is absolutely no reason you should know this, but Sheryl Crow did a cookbook. And, by Sheryl Crow did a cookbook I mean her personal chef wrote a cookbook and Sheryl Crow put her name on it. The cookbook is really cool it has little anecdote's about the recipes. You know Sheryl Crow had breast cancer a few years ago.

That's what this cookbook came from. It's all health food. I have adapted the recipes for you. There will be no margarine. That is not how I roll. I honestly cannot believe that Sheryl Crow lives in Nashville and she decided that it was acceptable to use margarine. Do they even sell margarine in the south. I just do not know what happened.

Sheryl Crow is probably one of the strangest obsessions I have. I love this woman. I own all her records. She was my first concert. Sheryl Crow is everything to me. I hated Lance Armstrong long before everyone else, because he broke her heart. Honestly, I don't even know why we knew his name. He rode a bike really fast. We are Americans. We care about: football, basketball, and baseball. Sure some people watch golf. Tennis is sort of a thing. But, those are our three main sports. That is what we as Americans support. So, why did we ever care about Lance Armstrong is beyond me.

I just know he treated her wrong. And, I already kind of hate men. That is such a blanket statement I don't mean, but whenever a man does something stupid, I'm just like men. You just need to listen to her song “Diamond Ring”. There is pain and sorrow.

It is also sung horribly, but that is Sheryl Crow's trademark. “Leaving Las Vegas”, “Strong Enough”, “Can't Cry Anymore”. When I saw her live it was funny to hear her throw her voice. She would go from singing well to whatever it is she does.

Buy "Can't Cry Anymore"

If you like her music go see her. She is not a huge production kind of gal. You will not see back up dancers and hip gyration. She's just a girl with her guitar kind of singer. Her stories are funny. Before some of the songs she would tell us the story behind it and it was just fascinating. The last song she sang when I saw her was “I Shall Believe” and I was like I shall believe you will sing another song.

She did not.

This concert was when she was promoting 100 Miles From Memphis. A great album. I love it. It's got this great motown inspired throwback. It's really great. Didn't sell very well. Granted, I don't think she gives a fuck. Sheryl Crow is over it. The woman is a nineties rocker making a motown record. The woman is beyond caring if it's commercially viable. She made it because she likes it.

What's funny is that Justin Timberlake ran into her when she was recording the album and he offered to do the backing vocals for her. Further proof that the boy can sing and that we should all love him. You need to listen to “Sign Your Name”. The two of them together are so much more compatible then you ever thought.

Buy "Sign Your Name"

I might have to take back what I said about her not caring about making a commercially viable record. Sheryl Crow can still sell she just needs her music on the radio. And, her last album Feels Like Home was being aimed at the country market.

She still didn't really get a hit, though. The lead single “Easy” is straight up, classic Sheryl Crow. It's perfect. But, it didn't chart top. Despite the fact that it was a radio worthy single, Sheryl Crow has proven herself to be viable in the country market (remember “Picture” with Kid Rock), and even though she has always been a rock singer. Sheryl Crow has always thrown in a little country to her music. So, she should have no problems with country radio.

Buy "Easy"

Buy "Picture"

And, yet here we are in 2014 and she hasn't had a radio hit yet. Not even follow up single “Callin' Me When I'm Lonely” that wasn't even written by her. This song was heralded by famous country hit makers. It still couldn't make a dent.

Buy "Callin' Me when I'm Lonely"

This is probably why I don't listen to country music. It's a little bit misogynistic. It's a little bit racist. And it's a little bit sexist.

I am not crazy. I want you to name one country singer who isn't white. I can name one off the top of my head. Mind you I am not a country buff. If there are other relevant singers besides Darius Rucker let me know.

As far as women go. I can name four popular female country singers right now. I am not talking about the greats: Patsy Cline, Dolly Parton, LeAnn Rimes, Martina McBride, Reba. This is about current famous female country singers. I'm thinking Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Kacey Musgraves, and we might as well include Taylor Swift. Because, even if this girl released a death metal album in Japanese we would still call her a country artist.

If you have even bothered to listen to country radio recently. I think you can understand where the misogyny is coming from.

That being said. I think it's a good move for Sheryl Crow if she can ever get her songs on the radio. I'm just worried that it isn't possible anymore.

Below are some of the recipes mother cooked and Bubble eated that we liked.

RECIPES:

Pecan Trusted Trout
1/4 cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Lemon Pepper seasoning
1/2 teaspoon of Garlic Powder
1 Egg
1 1/2 tablespoon of milk
1 cup of chopped Pecans
4 skin on Trout Fillets (4 to 5 ounces)
2 tablespoons of Canola Oil

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

In a shallow dish whisk together the four, seasoning and garlic powder. IN a second dish, whisk together the egg and milk. Put the pecans in a third dish or plate.

Coat the side of a fillet without the skin with the flour and then with the egg wash. Press it gently into the pecans to coat thoroughly. Repeat with the remaining trout fillets, so that all 4 are coated on the side without skin.

In a large skillet, heat the canola oil over medium-high heat and when hot, sear the trout, skin side up, for 2 minutes. Turn the fish fillets gently with a spatula and sear the skin side for 2 minutes longer. Transfer the fillets to a lightly oiled baking sheet or shallow pan and bake for 8 to 10 minutes or until cooked through.

Cross Creak Cream (Eggnog)
One 14 ounce can of Sweetened Condensed Milk
1 cup of Heavy Cream
3 Eggs
2 1/2 tablespoons of Chocolate Syrup
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
1/2 teaspoon of Almond Extract

In a blender mix the condensed milk and cream*. Add the beaten eggs and blend until well mixed. Add the chocolate syrup, vanilla, and almond extract and blend for about 1 minute.

Pour mixture into a large picture, cover and chill for at least 1 hour and up to 2 days. When thoroughly chilled, pour into glasses and serve.

*If you would like to make it alcoholic add 2 1/2 cups of Bourbon at this point.

Curried Couscous
2 cups of Couscous
1/2 teaspoon of Salt
1 1/2 cups of thinly sliced Spinach
1 1/2 cups of thinly sliced Red Cabbage
1 cup of canned Chickpeas (drained and rinsed)
1/2 cup of Dried Cranberries
1/3 cup of sliced and toasted Almonds
2 tablespoons of chopped Cilantro
3 tablespoons of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 tablespoons of Lemon Juice
Salt
1 tablespoon of Yellow Curry Powder

Put the couscous in a large glass or ceramic bowl and pour 3 cups of boiling water over it. Add the salt and stir to mix. Cover and let the couscous soak for at least 15 minutes and no longer than 20 minutes. Fluff the couscous with a fork.

Add the spinach, cabbage, chickpeas, cranberries, almonds, and cilantro and toss thoroughly. Dress with the olive oil and lemon juice and season to taste with salt and pepper. Toss again thoroughly.

Add 1 tablespoon of curry powder and toss again. Taste and add more curry if needed. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Apple-Cranberry Crisp with Vanilla-Almond Granola
5 peeled, cored and thinly sliced Apples
1/3 cup of Dried Cranberries
1/3 cup of Butter
1/2 cup of Brown Sugar
1/2 cup of Flour
1/2 cup of plain Granola
1/4 cup of roasted Almonds
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
3/4 teaspoon of ground Cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon of Salt
Vanilla Ice Cream

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease and 8x8 baking pan.

Spread the apple slices and cranberries in the pan in an even layer.

In a separate bowl, using your fingers and a fork or wooden spoon, mix together the butter, sugar, flour, granola, almonds, vanilla, cinnamon, and salt. The mixture will be crumbly, not smooth. Spoon the mixture over the fruit, spreading it so that it covers the fruit evenly.

Bake the crisp for about 30 minutes or until the top is golden brown and the apples are tender and bubbling.

Serve the crisp warm or at room temperature, with ice cream.

ALL RECIPES FROM the cookbook If It Makes You Healthy by Sheryl Crow and Chuck White with Mary Goodbody.

Buy If It Makes You Healthy

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The American & French Chef

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We Oughta Be Drinking

About

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Cigars! Cigarettes! Cookies!