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Rocky Road

4/19/2016

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Road trips are wonderful.

As long as you have the right company, the right music, and the right snacks. If the conversation runs out at least you have some trail mix to snack on. Maybe you roll down the windows and take in the sun, so you can get melanoma.

I recently took a road trip. To a grand city in the state of Illinois. I was visiting the grandfather and the great Aunt. All over Easter break. There were pastels and little children. Painted bird eggs and a sunscreened Uncle. 

The road trip involved an intense multi-hour car ride. We spent the first hour listening to country radio, because we hate ourselves. 

The mother and I talked about everything. Politics. Religion. How the gays are ruining America. It was a wonderful bonding time. The air conditioning gave out, which was wonderful. We didn't even have an iced mocha cappuccino to make up for it.

The truth is we drove over a 100 miles without seeing a Starbucks. It was hell. 
However, we did make up for it in the snack department. We didn't make anything. Although, I had considered throwing together some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. I didn't do it. I'm a lazy person had Friends episodes to rewatch. 
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My mother does not allow eating in her car. It's a used/new car to the family that my mother sprung on the family last year. It was wonderful I came home to see this tan luxury item in my driveway, blocking my parking spot. Not that I minded. 
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We had the goods in the car.

Doritos, some caramel flavored Werther's popcorn. Bottles of water to off set the calories. It was great. I always believe that if you don't have an orange colored food on a road trip that you haven't truly taken a road trip. You can take cheetos, carrots if your a vegan, or starbursts if you want to pick through them all.

As a family we usually stock up. We make our own trail mix. Homemade snacks. We've gotten lazy with time. There used to be M&M and raisin filled trail mix. I remember when we went camping on this mountain. It was horrible. There were tents. Bugs. I did not enjoy it. 
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This time we splurged and stopped to get lunch. We did a little shopping. Not that we could afford any of it, but that's okay because we're on vacation. 
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It was a rocky, but wonderful and beautiful road. It was like the icecream. That Rascall Flatt's song and it just goes to prove that if you buy and bring the right food any trip can be fun. Below are some recipes to get you in the trip of your lifetime feelings. 
RECIPES:
Pecan Almond Praline
2 cups of Brown Sugar
¾ cup of Heavy Cream
1 tablespoon of Butter
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Pecans
1 cup of Almonds
3 quarts of popped Popcorn

Combine the pecans, almonds, and popcorn .Set aside.

Combine the heavy cream, brown sugar, butter, and salt, cooking until the mixture reaches 240 degrees on a candy thermometer, about 20 minutes. Cool for 5 minutes, then stir the mixture until it coats a spoon.

Pour the syrup over the popcorn, stirring to coat popcorn evenly. Allow the popcorn to cool then break it into small pieces.
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Spice Cookies
2 ½ cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
¼ teaspoon of Ginger
½ teaspoon of Allspice
½ teaspoon of Cinnamon
½ teaspoon of Cloves
¾ cup of Butter
1 Sugar
1 Egg
¼ cup of Molasses
¼ cup of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Combine, the flour, baking soda, ginger, allspice, cinnamon, and cloves. Set aside.

Cream the butter and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and molasses, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended. Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll into balls.

Roll the dough into 1 inch balls, then roll them in powdered sugar, and place them on a greased baking sheet. Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in sugar. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until they are light brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack and dust them with powdered sugar.  
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(Drank) Eggnog

12/22/2015

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Day 9 of the 12 Days of Bubbles is upon us!

Another Tasty Tuesday only one week after the last train wreck and without a party to plan or an old friend to reminisce on, I had to stumble upon a creative idea of my own. Which, is something that does not come easily to me. Cut and paste I can do, but to be original and creative without genius to base it off. It's difficult.

However, it was as I was stumbling through the grocery aisles of my suburban Costco that it came upon me. In it's plastic jugs I saw the flashing Christmas lights. Eggnog.
As a child, Eggnog was the quintessential Christmas drink. I drank so much of it I would have been an alcoholic if my family put whiskey in it. I have met quite a few people who do not appreciate eggnog, but there is nothing that lives up to it. Thick. Creamy. Seasonal.
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It's more calories then liquid. In December you have two options. Eat with abandon and set yourself a New Year's Resolution you won't keep OR get so drunk off of spiked eggnog that you throw up.

Embrace your inner frat boy during the holiday season.

Upon doing some quick internet research I found that eggnog is a traditional drink in America and Canada, but that it originated in England. I don't know that were supposed to be surprised by that. Early aristocrats mixed it with brandy or sherry. Which, sounds far more posh then what we the dirty Americans do with it.

I also found out that there are recipes for eggnog without the egg. This does seem counter intuitive to me. As you will see from the recipes I've included, they all have eggs. Egg is literally half of eggnog. Without the egg it's just... nog. 
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Sure people have allergies. Sure there have been salmonella outbreaks in eggs, but the risk of potential food poisoning and death is just part of coming out to have a good time.

As the biggest fan there is of this drink. All the recipes included here have been made and procured by me. Be surprised and amazed. That is how much I love the eggnog. I will cut open a vanilla bean and heat a liquid mixture to a nice boil to froth myself up for the winter.

I also don't have to go out in public among the commoners if I can make it at home. There are perks to being industrious.
As of recent years, I have had to cutback on my intake. This blog is home of the “blonde, skinny, queen of the internet.” Sometimes, you've got to cut back to retain brand recognition.

If for some reason these drinks seem too complicated, store bought is fine. 
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RECIPES:
Chocolate Egg Nog

14 ounces of Sweetened Condensed Milk
3 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 tablespoons of Chocolate Syrup
¼ teaspoon of Almond Extract
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Using a blender, combine all ingredients. Refrigerate for 1 hour before serving.
Egg Nog
2 cups of Milk
2 cups of Heavy Cream
1 cup of Sugar
1 Vanilla Bean
10 Egg Yolks
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoon of Cinnamon
¼ teaspoon of Nutmeg

Heat in milk, heavy cream, ½ cup of the sugar, vanilla bean seeds, and vanilla extract until the mixture is hot.

Meanwhile, beat the egg yolks with remaining ½ cup of sugar until it is frothy. While whisking, slowly pour in the milk mixture ½ cup at a time, beating well after each addition.

Pour the mixture back into the pan and heat, while whisking until it has thickened slightly. Remove it from the heat and add the cinnamon and nutmeg.
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Egg Nog Shake
1 cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
3/8 cup of Egg Nog
1 dash of Nutmeg

Using a blender combine all ingredients and mix until blended well. 
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How To Eat Healthy 2015

6/2/2015

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Everyone is like “eat healthy”, “don't eat ten bags of potato chips”, “you're going to die young” and I'm like okay, whatever. As per usual, I don't know what to right about. So, I took divine inspiration from the 2015 January issue of Bon Appetit.

My grandfather recently gifted me with a stack of his magazines and I recycled most of them to be honest, but I snatched up those Bon Appetit magazines. I was like shit I have to write a Tasty Tuesday and I spread them out and I started flipping through one and I was hit by divine inspiration. Healthy food looks nasty.
Honestly, I try to be healthyish, but some of this food is a mess. It does not look good. It's so funny that I try to eat well. I made the grocery list this week for my mother. She's leaving to go visit my great aunt and I was like get me these fruits and vegetables. Don't buy me junk food. Get me those grape nuts. Get me those corn flakes. I really do like that type of cereal, though. I sound like a survivor of the Great Depression who's living in the nursing home, but I love those old people cereals. They slay me.
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Now, my mother decides to buy these caramel, chocolate dipped pretzel things. Those are not healthy. She's all like these butter snap pretzels look hella good. Those actually aren't that bad, because I don't like the Snyder's Butter Snap pretzels. I don't know if that's weird of me, but I just don't feel them. We also bought bread and I was wanted a somewhat healthy Pumpernickel and the madre decides we should get cinnamon raisin.  
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I try that is all I can say. If there is only healthy type foods to eat in the house that's what I'm going to eat. I was watching Ugly Betty tonight and I started out strong. Got me some strawberries and a banana, then those caramel chocolate dipped things called my name and I recanted. Eating healthy is hard when salt and sugar are calling your name.
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Everyone is on this eating healthy kick. I was watching Wendy Williams recently and Lorraine Bracco was on. I really like her. You probably don't know the name, but she's in that show Rizzoli and Isles. She's Rizzoli's mother. And, she was on The Sopranos. I never watched it, but I'm sure she was amazing. And, she was on promoting her autobiography and she talked about eating healthy. She's also 61 and looking good. Apparently she was also Jean Paul-Gaultier's muse before he was Jean Paul-Gaultier. I honestly want her life.  
It's not even about just eating healthy. It's about eating sustainable. I went to this thing at my school about it and life is just complicated. I honestly preferred life before I had to make adult decisions. I keep forgetting that I can vote in elections. I am now old enough to make a change in the world. It's intimidating. I don't want to make my own doctor's appointments. I just want to sit at home and listen to Cyndi Lauper. That's what I really want.  
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Shout out to anyone who is trying to eat healthy. Over breaks I do better, because I'll cook for myself. And, there's something that just seems more inherently healthy about cooking for yourself. But, during the school year. Between work and school obligations it's exhausting doing more then making a box of mac and cheese.

Hopefully, these recipes help you. We all have to eat and life is too short to eat food you don't enjoy. I don't know who the target audience of Bon Appetit, but something tells me it's upper middle class bored suburban housewife. I don't know who else could afford to make this.
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RECIPES:
The Greenest Smoothie
1 frozen Banana
1 cup of frozen Pineapple Pieces
1 cup of fresh Parsley
1 cup of Unsweetened Almond Milk
2 tablespoons of Almond Butter
2 tablespoons of Flaxseed Oil
1 teaspoon of Agave Nectar
1 teaspoon of Matcha
½ teaspoon of finely grated peeled Ginger

Puree all ingredients together. Sweeten with more agave if desired.

SIDE NOTE: I have no fucking idea what Matcha is.
Five Grain Porridge with Bee Pollen, Apples, and Coconut
Porridge
½ cup of Brown Rice
½ cup of Quinoa
¼ cup of Amaranth
¼ cup of Millet
¼ cup of Wheat Bran
½ teaspoon of Kosher Salt
Assembly
1 tablespoon of Virgin Cocount Oil
¼ cup of Unsweetened Coconut Flakes
1 cut into ¼ inch pieces Pink Lady
¼ teaspoon of Cinnamon
2 tablespoons of Honey
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Bring brown rice, quinoa, amaranth, millet, wheat bran, salt, and 6 cups of water to a boil in a medium pot. Reduce heat, partially cover, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until cereal is the consistency of porridge (softer and thicker than the usual bowl of oatmeal) and water is absorbed. About 40-50 minutes.

Heat coconut oil in a medium skillet over medium-high. Cook coconut flakes, stirring often, until toasted, 2 minutes, transfer to a plate.

Add apple, cinnamon, and 2 tablespoons of honey to skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until apples are browned in spots about 3 minutes.

Serve porridge topped with apples, coconut, sea salt, bee pollen, and a drizzle of honey if you like.

SIDE NOTE: I don't know in what world someone has time to make this for breakfast. This is some dystopian novel shit. Bon Appetit is forgetting that we live in a capitalist society. Unless I get a maid this is not getting made for breakfast. And, in what universe is bee pollen casually thrown into the title of a recipe. This is what white America is.  
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“Tandoori” Carrots with Vadouvan Spice and Yogurt
2 tablespoons of Vadouvan
2 finely grated Garlic Cloves
½ cup of Plain Whole Milk Greek Yogurt
5 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 pound of Small Carrots
¼ teaspoons of Turmeric
2 tablespoons of Lemon Juice

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Mix vadouvan, half of garlic, ¼ cup of yogurt, and 3 tablespoons of oil in a large bowl until smooth, season with salt and pepper. Add carrots and toss to coat. Roast on a rimmed baking sheet in a single layer, turning occasionally, until tender and lightly charred in spots. 25-30 minutes.

Meanwhile heat turmeric and remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in a small skillet over medium low swirling skillet, until fragrant, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat.

Whisk lemon juice, remaining garlic, and remaining ¼ cup of yogurt in a small bowl, season with salt and pepper.

Place carrots on a platter. Drizzle with yogurt mixture and turmeric oil and top with cilantro. Serve with lemon wedges.

SIDE NOTE: No, I don't know why there are quotations marks around tandoori.  
Chocolate Coconut Date Bars
2 cups of pitted Dates
¾ cup of raw Cocoa Powder
¾ cup of Unsweetened Shredded Coconut
¼ cup of Cocao Nibs
2 tablespoon of Agave Syrup
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
2 tablespoons of Water

Coat 8x8 baking pan with nonstick vegetable oil spray, line with parchement leaving overhang on all sides. Blend all ingredients in food processor until smooth. Press mixture firmly into pan. Cut into bars.
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Normally, I would be like e-mail comment if you need any help. Yeah, I don't know what's happening. However, if you actually make any of these. Please comment. I want to know if there as terrible as they sound. All recipes came from the January issue of this year's Bon Appetit. 
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Goodbye Winter and Hello Heat

4/7/2015

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I honestly feel like I had a plan when I wrote down the words “ice cream”. It is true, I don't just plop down and let inspiration hit me for this blog. I have a list of topics written out for things I want to write about. I have the words “ice cream” written next to Tasty Tuesday. I have no other context besides that.

I truly do adore the ice cream, I feel it, not sure what the grand plan was, though. Maybe it was the weather. I mean the weather has switched from dead cold to pleasantly nice for an ice cream cone. I really don't feel warm weather.
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What comes from the blistering heat? Grass grows. There are weeds. Straight boys come out of hiding and become obnoxious.
You know now that I'm actually thinking about it, it all makes sense. I mean it doesn't make sense, but I can understand it. I also love the fact that I call it eating at lunch. I don't eat anything at lunch. I sit next to people. That's not really the same thing.

On a decidedly random tangent, my microeconomics teacher loves ice cream. I doubt that was the original purpose of this article. I really like my micro teacher, but I don't think I would dedicate an entire article to her. She's Italian. She likes ice cream, but she is all about that gelato. I had gelato, once. I felt it. I was here for it, but whenever I think of gelato I always think of the Lizzie McGuire Movie. The woman chaperoning the trip says “Italian ice cream has twice the sugar of American ice cream” in that loud domineering voice. I love it. Queen.
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I have a great relationship with ice cream, except when it's attacking my waist line. I have a thing for hot fudge sundaes. There's something about warm fudge and melty ice cream that really gets me to where I want to be in my life.

Brandy Alexander's slay the world. A Brandy Alexander is what you get when you combine alcohol with a milkshake. It's a really great way to get wasted. Don't get wasted. Do what you want. I personally have only ever been a little tipsy and I don't even know if I would go that far, honestly. I only really ever have one drink and I'm done.  
My mother also has a relationship with the ice cream and we used to make homemade ice cream. We had like an ice cream machine and everything. Hopefully, the recipes I find for this article do not require a homemade mixer. I will not include those. I had a really good time as a child with ice cream. It's like a good childhood memory.

If something bad happens, you just eat ice cream and live your life. That's a motto to live by. I'm going to put that on twitter. Honest to God. That might replace my twitter description. I am such a perfect being and hopefully you enjoy these ice cream recipes, I did not just randomly pick out of my mother's cookbook.  
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RECIPES:
Lavender Honey Ice Cream*

1 quart of Vanilla Ice Cream
½ cup of Honey
2 tablespoons of Lavender

In a food processor, grind the lavender until it resembles a flour consistency.

Combine the vanilla ice cream, honey, and lavender, mixing well. Freeze for at least a half hour before serving.

*This recipe might be cheating.

Grape Sherbert
2 ¼ cups of Water
1 cup of Lemon Juice
1 cup of Sugar
2 tablespoons of Vodka*
1/8 teaspoon of Salt

Combine water and sugar, stirring until the sugar has melted. Once it's cooled,a dd the remaining ingredients and freeze thoroughly, about 2 ½ hours.

Using a food processor, pulse the lemon ice until it is smooth.

*The recipe said that the vodka was optional. Who makes vodka optional. Also this might not be ice cream, but that's not really the point.

Peach Almond Shake
½ cup of sliced Peaches
1/3 cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
2 teaspoon of Lemon Juice
½ ounce of Brandy
½ ounce of Peach Schnapps
½ ounce of Amaretto

Blend all ingredients.  
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The American & French Chef

3/24/2015

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I feel like I haven't mentioned in a while what a struggle writing Tasty Tuesday's are for me. You don't understand, there is a struggle. The struggle is beyond real. So, I will take any inspiration I can get. I'm not quite sure why Julia Child's hit me as that inspiration. I really have no idea.

To be honest, none of the recipes in today's article have been tried out by me. Let's be real. I am not a French chef. I was not about to do any of the crazy things Julia Child was throwing in as suggestions. I really do like Julia Child. Back when I didn't have responsibilities I would watch her cooking show on PBS. I think it was The French Chef, but it could have been the one she did with Jacques. I always wondered why it was called the French chef. Julia Child's is not French. She is American it was just very confusing.
I definitely think Julia and I would have been best friends, if I knew her and was born you know like eighty years ago. Do you not love the suggestion that Julia Child was an ace super spy for America in World War II. You need to watch Julia on her cooking show. This is a wonderfully awkward woman, I just can't picture her as a spy of any kind. That's probably why she made such a great spy. If she was a spy.

That is one thing I hold against that movie Julie & Julia. It did not answer this question. It was such a good movie, though. I say as I haven't seen it in at least five years. Is there such a thing as a bad movie when Meryl Streep is in it. You could put Meryl Streep in the role of Batman and she would be the right choice. She's Meryl Streep.
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Then, Amy Adams was in it and Amy Adams is bae. Hopefully you saw her on the cover of Vogue last December. She looked stunning. Because, she is stunning. I hope I didn't make you think I was going to relive the experiences of Amy Adam's character in that movie.

I am not cooking one recipe from Julia Child's cookbook every day. I don't think so. That is too much effort to be honest. Me waking up in the morning is really good enough to prove my existence.
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The most heartbreaking moment in Julie & Julia is when Amy Adam's character is told that Meryl Streep doesn't 'understand' the concept of the blog. That was just rude for someone to point out to Amy Adam's first of all and secondly Julia Child would have been in her late eighties at this point. Of course she doesn't understand the concept of what a blog is. 

There is something so loveable about Julia Child. She's always eating on her cooking show, which would be me. Totally honest, I would be eating all the time. I would be overweight and sexy of course. Julia Child is just a great person.

I say that. Do you ever think about our favorite icons. Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline, James Dean. They were probably racist as fuck. Like I love them now in 2015 and what ever they thought in their respective time period wasn't controversial. But, that doesn't mean they weren't terrible people. What if Julia Child was a legit terrible person.
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That is not important. She is adorable. That is how I will always think of her. Well, I always think of Meryl Streep playing her, but it's basically the same thing.

RECIPES:
Ratatouille
1 lb of Eggplant
1 lb pound of Zucchini
4-6 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 cloves of mashed Garlic
1 ½ cups of thinly sliced Yellow Onions
Salt & Pepper
2 Green Pepper
3 tablespoons of minced Parsley
1 ½ cups of canned Tomatoes

Peel and cut the eggplant. Make sure you cut eggplant into lengthwise slices that are about 1-inch wide, 3-inch long, and 3/8-inch thick. Scrub the summer squash and cut into piece the same size as eggplant. Take a bowl and put the vegetables into it. Toss the vegetables with one teaspoon salt. Set them aside for 30 minutes. Drain every slice and dry with a towel.

Take a skillet and put four tablespoons of olive oil into it. Sauté the summer squash and eggplant, one layer at a time, for about one minute until they vegetables are slightly browned. Take them out into a dish.

Cook pepper and onions in the same skillet. Add a couple of tablespoons of olive oil if needed. Cook the vegetables for 10 minutes until they are tender. Add the garlic and season the mixture with salt and pepper.

Take the tomatoes and slice its pulp into 3/8-inch strips. Layer the tomatoes over pepper and onions, and season them with salt and pepper. Cover the skillet and let the vegetables cook for about 5 minutes on a low heat until the tomatoes start to render their juice. Check the seasoning and raise the heat. Boil the vegetables in the tomato juice until the juice evaporates entirely.

Take a casserole, about 2½-inch deep, and put 1/3 of the tomato mixture into it. Sprinkle the freshly minced parsley over tomatoes. Next, arrange half of the summer squash and eggplant on top. Layer the remaining tomatoes and parsley. Put the remaining summer squash and eggplant, and finish off with the rest of tomatoes and parsley.

Cover the casserole and put it on a low heat. Let everything simmer for about 10 minutes. Check it after 10 minutes, and season it if necessary. Raise the heat a little and cook everything for 15 minutes uncovered. Cook until all the juices evaporate. Be very careful about the heat. Avoid the vegetables getting scorch at the bottom of casserole.

Take it out, and serve!

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Apricot Sherbert
1 can of Apricot halves
½ cup of Sugar
Almond Extract
2 teaspoons of Lemon Juice
2 Eggs

Get a measuring cup (1 quart), and set aside. Get your apricots and start pureeing them until smooth, and pour it into the cup.

You have to make at least two quarts of pureed apricots for this recipe.

The next thing that you have to do, is combine the pureed apricots, lemon, and refined sugar into a mixer. In high speed, beat the mixture, until there are no signs of the refined sugar anymore.

Once the refined sugar is fully dissolved, you can now add your almond extract, and the egg whites. You can whip in the egg whites using your mixer, but I definitely recommend using an ice cream maker. It is easier and more efficient in making perfect sherbet.

If you do not have an ice cream maker, I heard that some people use food processors, which produces the same outcome as well.

Once the egg whites are whipped in, pour your mixture into a clean container, and put it inside the freezer.

The tricky part here is – you have to check the sherbet after two hours of freezing. You have to gently whip the mixture again, in order to prevent the ice from building up. You have to do this twice, or thrice, if you feel the need to do it.

Sherbet is not as solid as ice cream. It should have a consistency of a mousse. Before you serve the apricot sherbet, you have to whip once more, to achieve the kind of consistency that is perfect for a sherbet.
Potato & Leek Soup
2 tablespoons of Canola Oil
4-5 Russet Potatoes
6 cups of Vegetable Stock
Salt
3 Leeks
½ cup of Heavy Cream
1-2 teaspoons of Lemon Juice
1/3 cup of Parsley
½ cup of Creme Fraiche

Take a large Dutch oven or stockpot and put oil into it. Heat the oil over medium heat. Add potato and leek to the oil and cook for about 8 to 12 minutes until the vegetables start to soften and turn slightly brown. Don’t forget to stir occasionally. The cooking time varies depending entirely on the surface area of your pot’s bottom.

Next, you will have to add the vegetable/chicken stock to the vegetables. Bring it to a full boil and let it simmer for about 30 to 40 minutes. Again, the time might vary. Let the mixture boil until the vegetables are tender.

Blend the soup until it is smooth. You can use immersion blender for this purpose. Or, it can be done by transferring the soup to a blender and blending it in batches. After blending, add the cream to the soup and season it to taste with salt. It is recommended to start with a single teaspoon and go from there, tasting regularly. Add some lemon juice and mix it well. Ladle the soup into bowls and decorate it with crème fraiche and minced parsley.

You can make about 6 servings following this exact recipe.
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ALL RECIPES FROM the cookbook Mastering The Art of French Cooking by Julia Child, Simone Beck, and Louisette Bertholle. 
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Happy Birthday, Te Amo

1/27/2015

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Te Amo means 'I Love You'. So, this weeks Tasty Tuesday translates into “Happy Birthday, I Love You”. I don't believe I've ever talked to you about Te Amo before on the blog. I actually do call her Te Amo. No lie. If you hear someone call out Te Amo in the middle of a crowded mall as a name, it is probably me.

Sometimes, I'll even say Te Amo Tita. Like the Rosetta Stones commercials. I would love to say I remember why I started calling her that, but I don't remember. It just happened organically. Rosencrantz is the only other person on this blog I actually call by their code name in real life.  
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Although, I have slipped up with other people. I've called out Jenny in public before. It was okay, because there actually was a Jenny there. But, still that was awkward. I never talk to her and then I had to awkwardly stumble my way through conversation.

Today is actually Te Amo's birthday, except it isn't. Her birthday is the 22nd of January if I remember correctly and today's what the 27th? However, this is probably pretty close to when I did her surprise birthday party last year.  
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The entire time I was convinced that she knew. She did not know. May I suggest to everyone who does a surprise birthday party not to do it the way I did it. It was a smashing success, but that weekend was a mess.

Birthday's are time sensitive and that can't be helped, but the weekend I chose was the one I was doing my interview for college. It was this full ride scholarship, and I was like yes. I didn't get it. I failed miserably at the interview. It was rough. I had to get up at seven and I was there until about four in the afternoon on Saturday.

I was doing her birthday on Sunday, but I also had to go to this dinner with my neighbors that night. I was really over reaching. You go big or you go home. I had my layer cake recipe planned out. The numerous dips. You've got to blow up the balloons, and I suck it at. Not in the good way. I can't get the balloons up. That is my problem. I suck at sucking. Something my crush can never know.
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Stock footage of me singing "Happy Birthday"
There were a few dips I wanted to make. Banners had to be strung. I still had to wrap my birthday present to her (Britney Spear's Circus). I even made punch. Nonalcoholic of course. This was Te Amo's 18th birthday not her 21st.  

I have this thing for punch. I will use any excuse to bring down that crystal punch bowl and fill it up. I really like punch. People laugh at me for making it, but whatever. I enjoy it. 
Of course I had to clean as well. It was a real mess. I might have looked calm and collected, but on the inside I was Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada.

The guest list turned out really well. Basically everyone I told to come, came. I was insistent, I was like you need to be here. This is for Te Amo. People just love her. I wish I could be adored like Te Amo, but I am not willing to give up being a bitch so the masses like me. I could not pretend to like everyone and go about my business. It would not work for me.

She's a doll. I hope she had a great birthday. I didn't see her this year, because she's away at college. Passing, while I sit here struggling through the tears.

As I said I think Te Amo was surprised, but she wouldn't tell me if she wasn't. So, I will just imagine her surprise party went off without a hitch. It was a great gathering of people. There was conversation. People were talking. Everyone participated in a very violent game of Pictionary. It was great. The atmosphere was good. The music was good too. I have no idea what I put on, but I know Gaga came on at least once. Because, me and this one girl started singing “Sexxx Dreams” incredibly obnoxiously together.

Happy belated Birthday Te Amo. Being better then me in 2015.
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RECIPES:
Hot Spinach Artichoke Dip
1 cup of diced Onions
8 ounces of Sour Cream
8 ounces of Cream Cheese
14 ounces of chopped marinated Artichoke Hearts
15 ounces of chopped frozen Spinach
¼ cup of Butter
1 cup of grated Monterey Jack Cheese
1 cup of grated Parmesan

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Saute the onions in the butter until they are softened. Add the cream cheese, sour cream, and Monterey Jack cheese and stirring until cheese has melted.

Add the artichoke hearts and spinach, mixing well. Pour the mixture into a baking dish and top with additional cheese. Bake for 20 minutes or until the cheese is lightly browned.
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Party Punch
1 quart of Grape Juice
1/3 cup of Lemon Juice
1 pint of Orange Juice
½ cup of Sugar
48 ounces of Ginger Ale
Ice Cubes

Combine the grape juice, lemon juice, orange juice, and sugar, mixing well. 

Before serving, add the ginger ale, stirring well. Pour in ice

NOTE: If you would like to garnish the punch (I never do) you can use mint leaves, orange slices, and lemon slices.  

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Real Footage of Me Decorating a Cake
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Lemon Layer Cake
Cake
1 cup of Milk
6 Eggs
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1 teaspoon of Almond Extract
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 ¾ cups of Sugar
4 teaspoons of Baking Powder
1 teaspoon of Salt
12 tablespoons of Butter
Lemon Curd Filling
1 cup of Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon of Unflavored Gelatin
1 ½ cups of Sugar
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
6 Egg Yolks
4 Eggs
8 tablespoons of Butter
Icing
2 Egg Whites
1 cup of Sugar
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
1 tablespoon of Corn Syrup

Cake
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two 8 to 9 inch pans. Line bottoms with parchment paper.

Whisk the milk, egg whites, and both extracts together in a small bowl. In a large bowl, whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt together. Beat the butter into the flour mixture, one piece at a time, about 30 seconds. Continue to beat until it resembles moist crumbles. About 1-3 minutes.

Beat in all but ½ cup of the milk mixture, then increase the mixer speed until smooth, light, and fluffy, 1-3 minutes. Reduce the mixer speed to low and slowly beat in the remaining ½ cup of milk mixture until batter looks slightly curdled. About 15 seconds.

Make sure it is thoroughly combined and pour into prepared pans. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Let the cakes cool in the pans for 10 minutes. Run a small knife around the edge of the cakes and then flip them onto the wire rack. Peel off the parchment paper.

It will take 2 hours for the cakes to completely cool, so they can be frosted.

Lemon Curd Filling
Measure 1 tablespoon of the lemon juice into a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin over top. Cook the remaining lemon juice, sugar, and salt together in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is hot, about 1 minute. Do not boil.

In a large bowl whisk the egg yolks and eggs together until combined, then slowly whisk in the hot lemon mixture to temper. Return the mixture to the saucepan and cook over medium heat, until the mixture is thickened and a spatula scraped along the bottom leaves a trail. This should take 4-6 minutes and on an instant read thermometer it should say about 170 degrees.

Off the heat stir in the gelatin mixture until dissolved. Stir in the frozen butter until melted and incorporated. Strain the curd into a bowl and press plastic wrap directly on the surface. Refrigerate the curd for at least 4 hours.

Placing one cake on the cake plate spread the filling over the top. Place the remaining cake layer on top and press lightly to adhere.

NOTE: You can split both cakes in half. And, incorporate more layers. I find it to be difficult to do it this way, but I am also not skilled as a cook or a baker or anything kitchen related. So, live your life.

Icing
In a large bowl whisk all the ingredients together until combined. Set bowl over a large saucepan until combined. Set the bowl over a large saucepan of barely simmering water, making sure the water does not touch the bottom of the bowl. Heat the mixture, whisking constantly until it reads 160 degrees on an instant read thermometer. About 5-10 minutes.

Remove the bowl from the heat and whip the mixture for 5-7 minutes until stiff peaks form. Increase mixer speed and beat for another 5-7 minutes. Frost the cake with the icing.

The way I did was to pipe the icing into an even-ish formation on the cake. Then, I used a spoon to give it this wavy pattern. I'm not sure if that make sense, but it was very pretty. And, compared to most parts of this cake, it wasn't that hard to do.  

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Rockin' Near The Christmas Tree

12/24/2014

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Just so we are clear, “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” is not one of my favorite Christmas songs. I can bop to it, but it is not my jam for life. I just felt it was an appropriate title. Our Christmas tree is this massive eight foot tall monstrosity and its always pushed near the corner. You can't really dance around it. You could say that you can dance near it, but that is a little bit of stretch.

This is basically a rough outline of how to get your Christmas on.

The first step is decoration. When decorating for Christmas, remember that there is no such thing as too much Christmas. It is one month out of the year and it's supposed to be over top. My family gets turnt the fuck up.
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Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.

We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy.  
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Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.

As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down.

Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random.

The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas. 

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At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.

Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it.
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Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.

I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well.  

I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.

The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.

I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.
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RECIPES:
Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread
8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly
1 package of Crackers

Place the block of cream cheese on a platter.

Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese

Serve with crackers
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Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
1 tablespoon of Orange Zest
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
5 Eggs
5 Egg Yolks
¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1/3 cup of Cornstarch
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 cups of Berries

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out.
Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside.

Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate.

Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form.

Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.

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Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon
¾ cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 tablespoons of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside.

Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet.

Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside.

Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.  
Cashew Dreams
1 cup of softened Butter
6 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews
1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar
1 ½ tablespoon of Milk
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.
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Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of softened Butter
¾ cup of Sugar
¾ cup of Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Chocolate Chips

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside.

Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.  
Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate
2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate
8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder
1 ¼ cups of Sugar
3 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoons of Salt
1 cup of Flour
1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly.

In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes.

Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils.

NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense.  
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Tea With The Duchess

10/22/2014

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This officially commences the week of Fergie. I had grand plans for this article. I was going to do my homework on the favorite foods of Duchess Fergie and give you my recipes for said meals. I am very bad at researching things on the internet. Honest to God I go to the library and check books out to write a research paper.

I don't understand computers at all. Just, because I blog does not mean I understand them. Weebly is very user friendly. That's the only reason I can blog. They recently actually changed it up a little bit. Where I no longer have to be awake at midnight to post something. I was like slay weebly, slay. Granted with great power comes great responsibility

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I posted the wrong Friday Favorites three weeks ago. But, I didn't even know I'd posted it until I was just reading my articles as I do. When I get bored I read my own blog. Yes. I am that shameless. That's when I click on the Friday Favorites tab and low and behold is my article on The Mindy Project that was supposed to be up in two weeks. It had actually been posted, since Wednesday, because I'm uber intelligient.
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I had to shift everything around. Poor Jenny Lewis got knocked up two weeks and Mindy got moved back. I can just see it now. On the home page there's a link to the Jenny Lewis article and the only thing on Friday Favorites is the new article on Mindy. That would have been great.

But, Fergie. Queen Duchess Supreme, Fergie does not readily put her favorite foods out there. I found one thing about a smoothie (that's included) and we all know she likes her Taco Bell. I said screw it. I am over this, so the recipes today are focused on a tea party. The kind of affair a Duchess would throw.
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My love affair with Fergie has been my whole life. I got her album on the way to visit my grandfather. My mother always bought me a little something on roadtrips and this time it was Fergie. I was in love. My mother actually liked it more then me. The woman is obsessed with that part of Fergie.

The Black Eyed Peas my mother likes are the Fergie strong The E.N.D. phase it's a strange obsession on my mother's part. Her with her classic rock and country. That is what she listens to. That is what she likes. In between all of that. She fits in The Black Eyed Peas and Fergie.

Now the whole point of this week of Fergie is that you know what has happened. Fergie is back. Fergie has come back to life. Fergie has not forsaken us.

Since “L.A. Love” was released there have not been the parades in the street that there needs to be. That is why I as your humble blogger am here to inform the world that they need to listen to Fergie.
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I want it to be a commercial success for her. Yes. I like the song. Yes. However, what I really want is the album. If this song does not do well. The album might be retooled. It might never be released. And, I will blame the world. The world will have crushed my dreams.

Of course I included the audio to “L.A. Love” for you to listen to. When you listen you will here that bass drop and you will know that Fergie is back and about to let you have it. One of my favorites DJ Mustard is behind the track and if this is any indication of the direction of the new album. I will be buying it. I will be there when the stores open to get Fergie in my hands. 

Will.I.Am is still involved. It remains to be seen whether his influence will be in the form of the electronic music he's been favoring recently or his more classic, less brain throbbing hip-hop and R&B sound that made “Where Is The Love” a global phenomenon.

At the moment speculation has it that the album is set for a release in 2015. If “L.A. Love” ascends to the top of the charts fast enough we'll have the album before Christmas. We can do this world. We can get new Fergie by Christmas.

There is no way that album isn't done. It's been eight long years and we have been in a drought.

Buy "L.A. Love"
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RECIPES:
Simple things to remember, while having a tea party is that there needs to be tea. There should be finger food. Bring out that fine China you never use. Actually just using anything formal you have, even if it doesn't really work bring it out. Wear a hat that's too big for your head. Have fun. Invite some friends over. Put on The Duchess. And if conversation lags read Bubble Righted.

Mini Spinach Quiches
1 tablespoon of Butter
1 ½ cups of torn Baby Spinach Leaves
1 15 ounce package of Piecrust Dough
3 Egg Yolks
1 Egg
1 ¼ cups of Heavy Cream
Salt and Pepper

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Coat a muffin tray with spray.

Melt the butter over medium low heat in a small skillet. Add the spinach and cook until it turns dark green, about 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and set aside.

On a lightly floured surface, roll out the dough to 1/8 inch thick. Cut out circles with a cookie cutter and place in the muffin pan. Prick the dough with a fork. Press a square of foil onto the dough in each pan. Bake for 8 minutes, then remove the foil and return the pans to the oven for 2 more minutes, until the crust is light golden.

Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, beat together the yolks, egg, salt and pepper to taste, and cream. Add the spinach and distribute it evenly throughout the egg mixture. Divide the filling among 12 prebaked shells, trying to get an equal amount of spinach in each shell. Return the pans to the oven and bake for 15 minutes, until the filling is firm.  

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Scones
2 cups of Flour
3 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons of Sugar
1 tablespoon of Baking Powder
¼ teaspoon of Salt
6 tablespoons of chilled Butter
1 Egg
½ cup and 1 tablespoon of Half and Half

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Combine the four, 3 tablespoons of sugar, baking powder, and salt. Cut in the butter with a fork.

Whisk the egg and ½ cup of half and half. Add the egg mixture of the flour mixture and stir until moistened.

Turn the dough onto a lightly floured surface. Knead until just smooth, then roll out dough and cut into circles. Pace the cutouts on ungreased baking sheet. Brush the tops with half and half and sprinkle 2 teaspoons of sugar on top.

Bake for 12 to 14 minutes until golden.
Cucumber Mint Tea Sandwiches
1 peeled and thinly sliced Cucumber
16 thin slices of White Bread
½ cup of Butter
16 Mint Leaves
Salt and White Pepper

Sprinkle the cucumber slices with salt and pepper and set aside in a colander for 10 minutes, so any excess liquid can drain out. Pat dry with paper towels.

Using a cookie cutter, cut two 2 inch rounds from each slice of white bread. Coat each circle on one side with a thin layer of butter.

Layer the cucumber slices on top of the butter side of bread. Add tiny dab of butter with a mint leaf. Place another bread round on top with the butter side down. Press the sandwiches gently together. Serve immediately or refrigerate for 3 hours in plastic wrap.

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Blue Cheese, Walnut, and Pear Tea Sandwiches
4 tablespoons of Butter
6 thin slices of Whole Grain Bread
¼ cup of Cream Cheese
2 tablespoons of crumbled Blue Cheese
½ cup of chopped and toasted Walnuts
½ a Pear cored and thinly sliced*

Butter one side of each slice of bread.

Combine the cream cheese and blue cheese in a small bowl and mash until soft and well combined. Divide the cheese mixture among 3 of the bread slices and spread to cover the slice. Sprinkled nuts on top of the cheese and then add a layer of pear slices. Top with remaining bread slices, butter side down, and press down gently. Cut each sandwich into 4 squares or 4 fingers. Serve immediately or refrigerate for 3 hours in plastic wrap.  
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Fergie's Favorite Blueberry Shake
1 frozen Banana
1 cup of frozen Strawberries
1 cup of frozen Blueberries
2 tablespoons of Almond Butter
2 cups of Milk

Combine all ingredients in blender until smooth.
*I do not know where you are supposed to find a half a pear lying around in this world. So, I guess you're just supposed to buy a whole pear and eat the other half. That is what I did. When you have the half a pear. You eat the half a pear. 
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