Category: American

Eurovision 2017

5/9/2017

Lene Alexandra

Eurovision is this week and it's got us all gagging! Like literally a cough drop is stuck in my throat right now. The first semi-final to pass in order to take the European crown starts TODAY, May 9th.

For those in the United States, EuroVision is an annual competition, where all European nations send their strongest singer to the rings to represent their national pride. It's given us such moments as “Prima Donna” from Norwegian singer Lena Alexandra. Known primarily for her Nordic hit “My Boobs Are Okay!” And, even bearded drag queen Conchita Wurst hailing from Austria.

There's been tensions this year between host country Ukraine and Russia. But, what is a little reality TV without some international drama. Ukraine roundly rejected Russia's representative citing the singer's travel violations that denied her access to their country. Americans can catch Eurovision on Logo starting may 13th at 3p Eastern / 12p Pacific Standard Time. Hosted by none other then Ross Matthews and Michelle Visage!

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The Perks of Being A Waffle

7/26/2016

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My mother threw away our waffle iron. She said that no one in our family liked waffles. I told her no one is this family likes to cook. She threw it away anyway.

Recently my family made the decision to get another waffle iron. Do I know why? Hell no. But, it's not my money and it's nice to know that I now have the option to not make waffles when I want to. Now I can just bitch about being unwilling to make waffles.

Waffles are the brutally shaped version of the pancake. The pancake is slim and circular, sometimes shaped. It must be torture being molded and shaped into the perfect waffle. Just like the American education system or the children of evangelical pastors. In other news I wonder why we don't hear more about waffle rebellion.

You know what I love about waffles is that they are ridgy and sexy as hell. You can put that syrup in their. That butter. Maybe some strawberries if your feeling especially wild. Whip cream if your metabolism can handle the calories.

Pancakes are just not as good as waffles. You can do so much more with waffles. Sure pancakes are slim, but we need to stop shape shaming waffles. They are beautiful just the way they are.

There is not a day I go on twitter without seeing Waffle House trending. I don't know what's happening at Waffle House's across the United States, but something interesting. Cousins are fucking each other. Someone's getting chocolate chips in their waffles. Others are upset about getting court documents served while they have a fork in their Belgian waffles. Real problems happen there.

Waffle Houses are the center of all drama and all prostitutes in America. Country singer, Brandy Clark recently sang, “we don't have have Waffle House, but we always have something to talk about.” Bitch what are you talking about.

Waffles are also the most important part of a college campus. People take ten year to get the batter out and put it in the waffle maker. Then they burn it and make another one and you just want to yell at them to make some toast and grab the grape jelly and go, but you don't because your a good conservative Christian.

I'm writing this and I still don't know what the fuck a Belgian waffle is. And, if you think I'm googling you are underestimating how good my wifi is.

I do particularly enjoy a good chicken and waffles. It's the kind of thing that doesn't sound good. You see the syrup and the powdered sugar and you think to yourself, “what kind of New Orleans bullshit is this” and then you bite in and your like “damn New Orleans knows what the fuck is up.”

This is just a PSA from your friendly neighborhood blogger to love the waffle like it is your child. Although most of us have pancakes (sometimes known as flapjack), you should not discriminate against the waffle just because it's look different from other breakfast foods. Waffles have feelings too.

RECIPES:
Wheat Bran Waffles
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ cup of Wheat Bran
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
4 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Buttermilk
¼ cup of Honey

Prepare and heat waffle iron.

Whisk together the flour, wheat bran, salt, and baking soda in bowl. In a seperate bowl whisk together egg yolks, butter, honey, and buttermilk. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until still peaks form. Make a well in the center of dry ingredients, pour the buttermilk mixture into well, and whisk gently until the mixture is just incorporated. Fold the whipped egg whites into the batter.

Spread the appropriate amount of batter onto the waffle iron and cook until golden brown.

Waffles Benedict
2 cups of All Purpose Baking Mix
1 1/3 cup of Buttermilk
½ cup of Parmesan Cheese
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
5 Large Eggs
½ teaspoon of White Vinegar
0.9 ounce envelope of Hollondaise Sauce Mix
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
¼ teaspoon of Dried Tarragon
8 slices of Prosciutto

Stir together baking mix, next 3 ingredients, and 1 egg into a bowl until well blended. Let stand for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, add water to a depth of 3 inches in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and maintain a light simmer. Add vinegar. Break remaining 4 eggs, and slip into water, 1 at a time, as close as possible to surface. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes or to desired degree of doneness. Remove with a slotted spoon. Trim edges if desired.

Cook batter in a preheated, lightly greased waffle iron until golden.

Prepare the hollandaise sauce according to package directions, adding lemon juice and tarragon.

Stack 2 waffles, and top with 2 prosciutto slices, 1 poached egg, and desired amount of hollandaise sauce.

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Goes With Milk & Orange Juice

7/12/2016

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I think that's gross. I know people do it, but there's no excuse for substiuting orange juice for milk in your breakfast cereal. Orange juice belongs on the side of a nice plate of bacon, maybe some scrambed, a slice of toast, NOT mixed in with your Cheerios. What kind of savage decided that was a good idea.

There's nothing better then cereal in the morning, except for a crisp $100 bill. Cereal is such a trademark of early school mornings where the parents don't have the time to pop down a toaster strudel in the toaster. Cereal is for the lazy at heart.

Forewarning now, this Tasty Tuesday does not attempt to teach you how to make your own cereal, but instead incorporate cereal into your daily life. And, yes this basic bitch included a recipe for rice krispy treats.

Recently, I read about Baby Boomers judging us, the youngins, for not eating cereal for breakfast. We're essentially pisssing on American culture, by going to Starbucks and getting that delicious outmeal with all the dried fruit and brown sugar in the morning. Like, I'm sorry Susie, but isn't it time to put in your catheter?

I can't handle these old people with judgmental crusty asses. Sit down. Get off my dick. I'm sorry Frank, but we don't like homophobia and racism. Honestly, don't they have better things to do, then pass a side eye at us for not eating cereal.

I've always been on and off with cereal. I tend to skip breakfast. I'm not hungry. It's not my scene, but there are times when a good bowl of Life cereal hits the spot. Especially if you put some blueberries in it. Maybe chop up some bananas. It makes me feel healthy.

I have a very boring taste in cereal. It's all very simple, I have dentures kind of food. I love me some Grape Nuts, like the grandma I am. Clearly I'm down with the Life. And, I have been known to enjoy some Corn Flakes in my spare time.

Now, I'm not sure why I never got into all those artificially flavor, hyped up with sugar cereals, my parents always kept me in the cart, there weren't having any of that.

Frosted Corn Flakes are pretty good. I feel my arteries dying, but I'll munch on that any day. Fruity Pebbles have always been too much for me. Their so small. It takes me ten years to get it all out. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I don't have time for this bullshit in the morning. It's the same with Rice Krispies. Snap, crackle, pop, out of my life.

If I'm going for sweet cereal I do like my Lucky Charms. I feel a draw to them. My father's ancestry runs Irish and I feel connected to my people that way.

Also a fun fact about cereal is that the first cereal was created by a vegetarian (not a vegan thank god). It happened in 1863 by a man named James Caleb Jackson. Apparently her ran a sanitorium. Isn't that just a great hearty fact to convince you that cereal is made for you.

#NeverTrump

RECIPES:
Banana Bran Muffins
1 cup of Flour
¾ teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
2 tablespoons of Shortening
¼ cup of Sugar
1 Egg
2 tablespoons of Milk
2 cups of Bananas
3 ½ ounces of Pineapple Tidbits
1 cup of Bran

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Sift the flour, baking soda, and salt together, then set aside.

Cream the shortening and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg, milk, banana, and pineapple tidbits, stirring to combine. Stir in the bran, letting it stand until it softens.

Add the flour mixture, stirring until all of the flour is moistened. Spoon the mixture into greased muffin pans and bake for 35 minutes.

Corn Flake Crusted Chicken
4 Chicken Breasts
3 cups of Corn Flakes
2 tablespoons of Butter
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Water
Salt
Pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Combine, salt and pepper. Covering the chicken breasts on front and back Mix egg and water in a bowl. Crush cornflakes and mix in butter. Dip chicken breasts into egg and water mixture and roll in the cornflake crust to coat. Bake for 30 minutes or until done.

Rice Krispy Treats
¼ cup of Butter
4 cups of Marshmallows
5 cups of Rice Krispies

Melt butter in large sauce pan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted and well blended. Cook 2 minutes longer, stirring constantly. Remove from heat.

Add cereal. Stir until well coated.

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Squashed It

11/3/2015

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Inspiration struck this week from the family garden. The parents having returned from their extended stay away from me for three weeks returned. With this came my father going through the family garden.

My father. The brilliant man that he is. Created a garden. I'm not sure why. His busy season at work is when a garden requires the most work. He has tried diligently to maintain the lawn by himself this year. After my maintenance last year, he informed me that he would take care of it.

2015 came around and my father made the decision to allow the garden to run free. He was over it. He said he would plant nothing. He stood firmly in this decision. Upon traipsing down into the hell that is the over growth of grass and insects, he stumbled upon squash. Multiple kinds of squash. Massive squash.

It was upon seeing these vegetables from the underworld that I realized that I had to honor the gift of god's creation. I had to praise the mighty squash.

Yes. I realize that last week I did a Tasty Tuesday on the pumpkin. That is a squash. This week, I am broadening my horizon. I am celebrating all of the squashes. The butternut. The acorn. The zucchini. Nothing says fall quite like a squash.

The Butternut Squash

The Acorn Squash

The Zucchini

There are multiple of reasons for the squash. You can put them in food. And, as I've learned from Orange is the New Black, they make great dildos.

Some fun facts about the squash is that it is one of the oldest known crops. It's been cultivated by all of our ancestors. For 10,000 years the mighty squash has reigned over all other vegetables. Of course it has some competition with the corn, but that's beside the point.

According to some internet research I have done the word “squash” comes from the Native American Tribe Narragansett. They referred to the squash as “askutasquash”. Being as formidable as Europeans are with foreign words, we cut most of it out. Askutasquash translates to “eaten raw or uncooked”. I don't know about you, but I've never looked at a nice round squash and taken a spoon to it.

I've also never fucked a zucchini, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Just like that fan fiction that used sand as lubricant.

I believe squash are also good for building muscle mass. Think about it. People grow these competitively to see who's can weigh the most. Do some curl ups with your neighborhood squash and you'll be buffier then Michelle Gellar.

Speaking of world records. Joel Jarvis is the proud farmer of the 1,486 pound monstrosity. If chopped and dissected it could create 5,000 servings of soup. It weighs as much as a polar bear and finally answered the age old question, “what do people do in Kentucky?”

Below are some lovely recipes from the family cookbook on what to do if you ever find yourself face to face with a 1,486 pound squash.

RECIPES:
Squash Casserole
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Garlic
2 pounds of Yellow Squash
2 cups of Onion
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Cumin
1 ½ teaspoon of Chili Powder
Salt
Pepper
2 Eggs
1 cup of Pepper Jack
¼ cup of Goat Cheese
1 cup of Tortilla Chips
1 tablespoon of Butter

Heat butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in garlic and cook until it sizzles. Add squash and onion and toss to combine. Add water, cover, and steam until vegetables are soft, 4 to 6 minutes. Remove lid and continue cooking until all the liquid is evaporated.

Stir in cumin and 1 teaspoon of chili powder. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add eggs and cook, stirring gently, until eggs are cooked through.

Turn off heat and add pepper jack and goat cheese. Cover and let stand until cheese is melted. Stir to combine.

Spoon squash mixture into an overproof dish. Combine tortilla chip crumbs, remaining ½ teaspoon of chili powder, and melted butter in a small bowl. Sprinkle over squash. Set under broiler to brown, 1 to 2 minutes.

Squash Pickles
8 cups of Yellow Summer Squash
1 cups of Sweet Onion
1 tablespoon of Non Iodized Salt
1 cup of Green Bell Pepper
½ cup of Red Bell Pepper
2 cups of Cider Vinegar
3 ½ cups of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Celery Seed
1 teaspoon of Mustard Seed

Combine the squash and onion in a large stockpot. Sprinkle with salt. Let stand 1 hour.

Add green pepper, red pepper, vinegar, sugar, celery seed, and mustard seed to squash and onions. Bring to a boil.

Pack squash and brine into hot, sterilized jars, leaving ½ inch of head space. Remove air bubbles. Secure flat lids and rings. Process in a boiling water canner bath for 10 minutes or adjust time to your altitude.

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The Big Banana

9/22/2015

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Casually, I stumbled upon the concept for this Tasty Tuesday. There was a large black oily banana in front of me and I said of course. This is what I will blog about for a Tasty Tuesday.

I personally enjoy the Banana. It's full of potassium. Healthy goodness. I could live without those little string things on the end, but other then that the banana is such a wonderful fruit. As long as it's yellow and not some indiscernible shade of brown.

The banana is also enjoyed by the elephant. I love elephants more then I should. I have multiple elephant figurines in my room. If I was willing to stand up I would count them for you, but from where I'm lying down comatose I can see at least five. And, I know there's at least two in my closet. I even have an elephant teapot. It's intense.

The banana also has the image of being used as a reference to phallic imagery. The mighty banana is compared to the penis.

I had an English professor who loved phallic imagery. The only paper I got an A had phallic imagery in it. There was even a YouTube video of this boy tasting condom flavors and he put them on bananas. I think they even use bananas to demonstrate safe sex. It's a mess and you know some of the nice women in federal penitentiary are using them as dildos.

Personally, the resurgence of bananas in American culture can be directly related back to the minions. The little yellow fire hydrants are obsessed with the banana. They even have a song about it. I'm sure it has a name, but I call it the banana song.

Music loves the banana. Loves might be a strong word. But, I've come up with a few jams that involve the banana. We have to start with Havana Brown's “Big Banana”. This is a slice of electro excellence and it honestly bothers me that this wasn't one of those flash in the pan quirky hits in the United States like "#Selfie" or "Gangnam Style", but there's no accounting for taste. “Big Banana” is one of the highlights of her album Flashing Lights and the video is the reason I'm alive today.

Buy "Big Banana"

Bananas are not only used for phallic imagery. There also used as symbolism of perturbed mental state. Take the unreleased Big Pun track “Loco Bananas” or my personal favorite “I'm Going Bananas” from the Madonna heralded soundtrack I'm Breathless. Is it the most quality Madonna recording? No, but I'm also trying to tie songs to bananas.

Buy "I'm Going Bananas"

The epitome of Banana culture is “Hollaback Girl”. Gwen Stefani taught young impressionable youth everywhere how to spell bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S!). She told us that shit was bananas and even now in 2015 it has left a lasting legacy.

Buy "Hollaback Girl"

This week's recipes come from the family cookbooks. I flipped deep into the dark ages to find you banana recipes. The fruit that is botanically a berry. The fruit that makes delicious bread. The fruit that is a part of the namesake of the banana split. The fruit that will always be respected, whether or not it's tied to penises or not.

RECIPES:
Baked Sweet Potatoes & Bananas
6 Sweet Potatoes
6 Bananas
½ cup of Butter
Salt
White Pepper
2/3 cup of Brown Sugar
¼ cup of Lemon Juice
½ cup of Pineapple Juice

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Arrange the sweet potatoes and bananas in alternate layers in a well greased baking dish, starting with the sweet potatoes and ending with the bananas. Dot each layer with butter and sprinkle with salt and white pepper. Sprinkle the banana layer with lemon juice.

Dot the top layer with additional butter and pour the pineapple juice over the whole thing. Bake uncovered for 30 minutes.

Banana Yeast Bread
5 ½ – 6 cups of Flour
2 packages of Yeast
¾ cup of Milk
½ cup of Sugar
½ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of mashed Bananas
2 Eggs

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Combine 2 cups of flour and the yeast. Set aside.

Heat the milk, sugar, butter, and salt, until the butter melts. Add the milk mixture to the four and yeast, along with the bananas, 1 of the eggs, plus 1 egg yolk (reserving the egg white), beating for 30 seconds on a low speed. Beat for 3 minutes on a high speed.

Stir in enough of the remaining flour to make a moderate stiff dough. Knead the dough for 5-8 minutes, or until it is smooth. Place the dough in a greased bowl, turning it once. Cover and let the dough rise until is has doubled. About an hour.

Punch the dough down, divide it in half, then cover it, and let it rest for 10 minutes.

Shape the dough into 2 round loaves, placing them on a greased baking sheet. Make vertical slits, about 1/8 inch deep around each loaf at ¾ inch intervals.

Combine the remaining egg white and 1 teaspoon of water. Brush the tops of the loaves, and cover, letting the loaves rise until doubled, about 30-45 minutes. Bake for 30 minutes.

Banana Splish-Splash
1 Banana
½ cup of Pineapple Chunks
¼ cups of Orange Juice
¼ cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
½ ounce of Rum

Using a blender, blend all ingredients together.

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Doughnut Gate

8/11/2015

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I'm here today to give you the dish on Ariana Grande and a recipe or two on how to make donuts. I just want everyone to know that it bothers me that the plural of doughnut is donuts. Why all those letters be missing.

At this point you should know about Doughnut Gate. It's been a good bit of time and as per usual I had no idea what to blog about today.

This is the scene. Ariana is out with her boyfriend/back up dancer at a doughnut shop where they both dare each other to lick donuts. That they are not buying. You know Ariana is on the Honeymoon Tour right now. She's had a massive amount of hits from My Everything and I guess she decided she needed a man.

My first problem is that she's dating her back up dancer. This is such an early 2000's trend. Dating your back up dancer is not a good idea. Britney and Kevin. Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smarts (although they're still together). Sure, Madonna dated her back up dancer a few years ago, but they were having sex. They weren't 'dating'.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline

Madonna and Jesus Luz

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smarts

That's what Ariana needs to learn. You have sex with the hunky male back up dancer. Do some crazy positions when you've had too much too drink and put him back on the shelf when the tour is over. Maybe even confide something to him to make him feel special. A serious relationship is not what this boy is for.

Also, the fact that this boy is not famous is the root of the problem. Big Sean would not have been caught dead in public being a freak with Ariana. But, this no name Ricky Alvarez is acting like the dumb twenty year old he is. He has nothing to lose. Ariana does.

Now honestly all these people are surprised and appalled. They also can't believe she doesn't love America. Sit down all of you. If you haven't said you hate America at some point in your life, your not even a true American. These people are also the casual fans who only knows the hits. I mean that's all I know, but I do my research. Ariana is a bit of a freak. She is going to sex it up in the future. And, I'm sure a doughnut is one of the most respectable places she's ever put her tongue.

People are so up in arms about this spit exchange and honestly I'm just not offended. Let's be real. The people who prepare our food do worse things then that. Ariana wasn't sick and neither was this boy toy. Whoever consumed this doughnut is not going to die of malaria from it.

The real question is if I would feel this way if this was Joe at the butcher shop down the street. No. I would be irritated. But, if you ingest Ariana Grande's spit. That's A-List celebrity grade saliva. You have been blessed. I don't want to take in D-List non-celebrity Ricky Alvarez's DNA.

The truth of the matter is. People are going to forget about this in ten years. In one and we all bought My Everything all ready. We've already invested. We might as well stay on the Ariana train. Because, it's not stopping anytime soon.

RECIPES:
Yeast Donuts
2 ¾ cups of Flour
1 packet of Instant Yeast
3 tablespoons of Sugar
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Whole Milk (Warmed from 105-115 degrees)
1 ½ teaspoons of Pure Vanilla Extract
3 Egg Yolks
4 tablespoons of Butter
Vegetable Oil

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, stir together 2 cups of the flour, the yeast, sugar, and salt. Add the warm milk, vanilla, and egg yolks. Mix until smooth. Add the remaining flour and the butter and mix until incorporated. Continue to mix on medium speed until the dough is soft and smooth (it will be slightly sticky).

Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set in a draft-free place to rise for 1 hour, or refrigerate for up to 12 hours.

Lightly flour 2 baking sheets. Roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface and cut with a floured donut cutter or a 3- to 3-1/2-inch biscuit cutter (for the latter, you’ll also need a 1-1/2-inch biscuit cutter to form the donut holes). Discard the dough scraps, or cut into pieces to fry separately after the donuts are done, as snacks.

Place the donuts and donut holes at least 1 inch apart on the baking sheets and cover loosely with plastic wrap. Set in a warm place to rise a second time until they are puffy and nearly double in size, about 15 to 30 minutes.

The donuts are ready when the dough springs back slowly after being touched with a fingertip (if it springs back at once, it needs more time; if it collapses, it has overproofed and you can reroll the dough and cut it once).

While the donuts rise, fill a large, heavy-bottomed pot with at least 2 inches of oil (the oil should not come more than halfway up the sides of the pan). Heat over medium-high heat until a deep-frying thermometer registers 360°F. Using a spatula, carefully lower a few donuts into the oil; do not crowd the pot. Fry for 1 to 2 minutes per side, turning a few times, until the donuts are a light golden brown and cooked through.

Remove with a spider or slotted spoon, drain on a wire rack over a paper towel, and let cool slightly before glazing or tossing in sugar.

Serve the donuts as is (warm is best), tossed in powdered sugar when cool.

Donut Zeppole
1 pound of Pizza Dough (store bought)
Canola Oil
¼ cup of Powdered Sugar

Cut the dough into 10 pieces.

With your hands, form balls about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Allow to rise about 45 minutes.

Deep fry in canola oil until cooked through and brown, about 3 to 4 minutes.

Drain on paper towels, sprinkle with powdered sugar, and serve warm.

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Condiment

7/28/2015

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What is a condiment other then a boring topic for a Tasty Tuesday?

According to the answer google has provided me, a condiment is “a substance that is used to add flavor to food.” That sounds overly generic. Does that mean that the paprika I have sitting in my cupboard is a condiment. I don't know if I would go that far. I'm all for equal rights of condiments being called condiments, but I don't know if I'm progressive enough to call paprika a condiment.

I have done some further research (that required me getting up from my bed) to pull out The American Heritage Dictionary and see what the official dictionary thinks of this condiment debacle. The definition they supplied me with was that it is a “a sauce, relish, or spice used to season food.”

I personally am offended that I might have to consider paprika a condiment. I need to find another source on this issue. I will take this to the President. I am in a national crisis.

Now let me tell you what I consider a condiment. It's that question you get asked at a fast food restaurant. “Do you want mayonnaise, mustard, or ketchup on your burger?”

All the white people want that mayonnaise. It's ingrained in white culture that we love mayonnaise. We put that in everything. I myself am partial to mayonnaise. Granted if I'm going to a fast food place. I'm getting plain burger. I don't trust fast food standards.

Mustard is what those adventurous people get. The ones that like to live on the wild side. I imagine that Rachel Dolezal had too much experience with mustard. I honestly don't know how white people handle mustard. I mean we think water is spicy and I was at this place that had spicy mustard on a hot dog and I honestly didn't know white people were ready for this.

Ketchup is for the truly strange individual. Who gets ketchup on their burger. Whenever, I'm asked this question I just don't understand. Mustard and mayonnaise are the only two reasonable answers. They are the two M's. They are the M and M.

Ketchup is for french fries and the occasional corn dog. Boomer absolutely hates ketchup. He hates most food products, but he has a special place of hatred for ketchup. I get it. It's tomatoes and sugar. But, what's better then tomatoes and sugar, then tomatoes and sugar together. Am I right?

Personally, I am not a fan of the ketchup and the french fry combination. I do reminisce occasionally, but usually I go for the ranch french fry combination. I don't know if that's just a really white thing to do, but knowing me it probably is.

I like that good buttermilk ranch. It's good for everything. Dipping the carrots. Forgetting your eating a salad. It's a magical invention.

I embrace the condiments as a sub section of the food genre. It makes life better. Where would we be without things to dip and top our food with. In a sad mystical place where dragons breathe fire and the wheel hasn't been invented. That's where.

RECIPES:
Honey Mustard Sauce
2/3 cup of Beef Broth
3 tablespoons of Butter
3 tablespoons of Flour
3 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
3 tablespoons of Honey
1 teaspoon of Water
¼ teaspoon of Chili Powder

Melt the butter, then whisk in the flour to make a roux. Slowly whisk in 1/3 cup of the beef broth.

Stir in the Dijon mustard and honey, then the remaining beef broth, stirring until the sauce has thickened.

Add the water and chili powder

Serve warm. But, not too warm.

Ranch Dressing
1 cup of Mayonnaise
1/2 cup of Sour Cream
1/2 cup of Dried Chives
1/2 teaspoon of Dried Parsley
1/2 teaspoon of Dried Dill Weed
1/4 teaspoon of Garlic Powder
1/4 teaspoon of Onion Powder
1/8 teaspoon of Salt

In a large bowl, whisk together the mayonnaise, sour cream, chives, parsley, dill, garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper. Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes before serving.

Ketchup
1 28 Ounce Can of Tomatoes
1 Chopped Onion
4 Chopped Garlic Cloves
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
1 Teaspoon of Chili Powder
1/2 teaspoon of Paprika
1/4 teaspoon of Cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon of Ground Allspice
1 tablespoon of Tomato Paste
1/2 cup of packed Brown Sugar
1/2 cup of Cider Vinegar

Puree tomatoes with juice in a blender until smooth. Cook onion and garlic in oil with 1/4 teaspoon salt in a heavy saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until golden, about 8 minutes. Add spices and 1/2 teaspoon pepper and cook, stirring frequently, 1 minute. Add tomato purée, tomato paste, brown sugar, and vinegar and simmer, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until very thick, 45 to 55 minutes (stir more frequently toward end of cooking to prevent scorching).

Puree ketchup in blender until smooth . Chill at least 2 hours (for flavors to develop).

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Freedom Fries

5/19/2015

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Do you remember that? Years ago when people started calling them Freedom Fries instead of French Fries. Someone needs to stop conservatives sometimes. That was such a mess. Let's not forget that the French still everything from the Belgian. So, really we should have just called them the Belgian Fries and been good world citizens. But, you know what we didn't. Weren't we upset with France for not wanting to go to war. That is such a mess. It's like calm down America. Not everyone needs to blow something up.

So, today I'm going to teach you about how to make French fries. Actually the three recipes I have are all baked, so it's like go on a diet and eat French fries. It's kind of amazing. I also keep typing fries as “fires” so if I don't catch it, I just wanted you to know what a mess my life is.

The French Fry needs to be worshipped. It's probably the best thing that the American culture has ever embraced besides the shopping cart. French fries are salty greasy heaven. I was out with Joyce recently and all I got was french fries. She judged me. I don't okay. French fries are life.

There are so many types of fries. Crinkle fries, steak fries, skinny fries, deep fried fries. Just fries in general. Fries can be dipped in anything. A milkshake, the ketchup, the ranch. I'm partial to dunking my fries in ranch. I have no shame in admitting that. Boomer absolutely hates ketchup. So, together we're just an odd group of people.

All my acne probably comes from my love for French fries. I think that's perfectly acceptable. French fries are amazing. Do you remember Freaky Friday. The remake, not the original when Lindsey Lohan is eating French fries in Jamie Lee Curtis's body and Jamie Lee Curtis gets really upset in Lindsey Lohan's body about how their going to go to her thighs. Good times.

Lindsay Lohan: You cannot eat fast food
Jamie Lee Curtis: Why not?
Lindsay Lohan: Because, it will go down your throat and drop instantly to my thighs.

When I was out for my sister's wedding. This was a while ago. It was like 8th grade year and all the girls were getting their hair did. It took forever. I wasn't getting my hair did and my mother got me French fries from this place next door. One of my sister's bridesmaids was about 10 years old. Annoying as fuck. My mother being a kind hearted person let her share my French fries.

I was hungry. I did not want to share. And, this little girl kept saying “I'm not hungry”. Proceeded to eat the entire bag of French fries. Fuck her the little cunt. Made me so mad. I still want to punch her in the face. Do not come between me and my French fries. I will fucking cut you.

This is where the real war is going to start. Where do you like to go get your French fries. I'm basic as fuck and I like me some McDonald's. Good, salty, and hot. Just like my men.

There really isn't such a thing as bad French fries. Always get a large, because you know you want them. Just don't be the people who get their fries at Wendy's and is like these are the best ever, because you are fucking lying to yourself. If you've got a hometown place to get your fries. Live your life. Be original. Just don't be a French fry snob.

RECIPES:
Sweet Potato Oven Fries
2 Sweet Potatoes (peeled and cut into fries)
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Paprika
1/8 teaspoon of Garlic Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Cayenne Pepper

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray, then place the potatoes in a single layer on the baking sheet. Bake them for 15 minutes, turn them over, and bake for an additional 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, combine the salt, paprika, garlic salt, and cayenne pepper. Set aside.

Sprinkle the fires with the seasonings, tossing to combine.

Roasted Sweet Potato Wedges
2 Sweet Potatoes (peeled and cut into wedges)
1 teaspoon of Olive Oil
½ teaspoon of Curry Powder
¼ teaspoon of Salt
¼ teaspoon of Cumin
1/8 teaspoon of Cloves
1/8 teaspoon of Pepper

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

Combine the sweet potatoes, olive oil, curry powder, cumin, cloves, and pepper. Place them in a single layer on a baking sheet, and bake for 25 minutes, or until they are done.

Steamed Crisp Potatoes
4 Potatoes (thinly sliced)
1 cup of Chicken Broth
2 tablespoons of Butter
1 teaspoon of Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper

Place the potatoes in a single layer in a skillet, season with salt and pepper, then pour ¾ cup of chicken broth over the top. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes or until the broth is absorbed.

Remove the potatoes, deglaze the plan with the remaining ¼ cup of chicken broth, add the butter, and return the potatoes to the skillet, cooking them until they are crisp.

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