Eurovision is this week and it's got us all gagging! Like literally a cough drop is stuck in my throat right now. The first semi-final to pass in order to take the European crown starts TODAY, May 9th.
For those in the United States, EuroVision is an annual competition, where all European nations send their strongest singer to the rings to represent their national pride. It's given us such moments as “Prima Donna” from Norwegian singer Lena Alexandra. Known primarily for her Nordic hit “My Boobs Are Okay!” And, even bearded drag queen Conchita Wurst hailing from Austria.
There's been tensions this year between host country Ukraine and Russia. But, what is a little reality TV without some international drama. Ukraine roundly rejected Russia's representative citing the singer's travel violations that denied her access to their country. Americans can catch Eurovision on Logo starting may 13th at 3p Eastern / 12p Pacific Standard Time. Hosted by none other then Ross Matthews and Michelle Visage!
The Perks of Being A Waffle
Waffles are the brutally shaped version of the pancake. The pancake is slim and circular, sometimes shaped. It must be torture being molded and shaped into the perfect waffle. Just like the American education system or the children of evangelical pastors. In other news I wonder why we don't hear more about waffle rebellion.
Waffle Houses are the center of all drama and all prostitutes in America. Country singer, Brandy Clark recently sang, “we don't have have Waffle House, but we always have something to talk about.” Bitch what are you talking about.
This is just a PSA from your friendly neighborhood blogger to love the waffle like it is your child. Although most of us have pancakes (sometimes known as flapjack), you should not discriminate against the waffle just because it's look different from other breakfast foods. Waffles have feelings too.
Wheat Bran Waffles
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ cup of Wheat Bran
1 teaspoon of Salt
4 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Buttermilk
¼ cup of Honey
Prepare and heat waffle iron.
Whisk together the flour, wheat bran, salt, and baking soda in bowl. In a seperate bowl whisk together egg yolks, butter, honey, and buttermilk. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until still peaks form. Make a well in the center of dry ingredients, pour the buttermilk mixture into well, and whisk gently until the mixture is just incorporated. Fold the whipped egg whites into the batter.
Spread the appropriate amount of batter onto the waffle iron and cook until golden brown.
2 cups of All Purpose Baking Mix
1 1/3 cup of Buttermilk
½ cup of Parmesan Cheese
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
5 Large Eggs
½ teaspoon of White Vinegar
0.9 ounce envelope of Hollondaise Sauce Mix
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
¼ teaspoon of Dried Tarragon
8 slices of Prosciutto
Stir together baking mix, next 3 ingredients, and 1 egg into a bowl until well blended. Let stand for 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, add water to a depth of 3 inches in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and maintain a light simmer. Add vinegar. Break remaining 4 eggs, and slip into water, 1 at a time, as close as possible to surface. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes or to desired degree of doneness. Remove with a slotted spoon. Trim edges if desired.
Cook batter in a preheated, lightly greased waffle iron until golden.
Prepare the hollandaise sauce according to package directions, adding lemon juice and tarragon.
Stack 2 waffles, and top with 2 prosciutto slices, 1 poached egg, and desired amount of hollandaise sauce.
Goes With Milk & Orange Juice
Forewarning now, this Tasty Tuesday does not attempt to teach you how to make your own cereal, but instead incorporate cereal into your daily life. And, yes this basic bitch included a recipe for rice krispy treats.
Recently, I read about Baby Boomers judging us, the youngins, for not eating cereal for breakfast. We're essentially pisssing on American culture, by going to Starbucks and getting that delicious outmeal with all the dried fruit and brown sugar in the morning. Like, I'm sorry Susie, but isn't it time to put in your catheter?
I have a very boring taste in cereal. It's all very simple, I have dentures kind of food. I love me some Grape Nuts, like the grandma I am. Clearly I'm down with the Life. And, I have been known to enjoy some Corn Flakes in my spare time.
If I'm going for sweet cereal I do like my Lucky Charms. I feel a draw to them. My father's ancestry runs Irish and I feel connected to my people that way.
Also a fun fact about cereal is that the first cereal was created by a vegetarian (not a vegan thank god). It happened in 1863 by a man named James Caleb Jackson. Apparently her ran a sanitorium. Isn't that just a great hearty fact to convince you that cereal is made for you.
Corn Flake Crusted Chicken
4 Chicken Breasts
3 cups of Corn Flakes
2 tablespoons of Butter
1 teaspoon of Water
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Combine, salt and pepper. Covering the chicken breasts on front and back Mix egg and water in a bowl. Crush cornflakes and mix in butter. Dip chicken breasts into egg and water mixture and roll in the cornflake crust to coat. Bake for 30 minutes or until done.
Rice Krispy Treats
¼ cup of Butter
4 cups of Marshmallows
5 cups of Rice Krispies
Melt butter in large sauce pan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted and well blended. Cook 2 minutes longer, stirring constantly. Remove from heat.
Add cereal. Stir until well coated.
2015 came around and my father made the decision to allow the garden to run free. He was over it. He said he would plant nothing. He stood firmly in this decision. Upon traipsing down into the hell that is the over growth of grass and insects, he stumbled upon squash. Multiple kinds of squash. Massive squash.
It was upon seeing these vegetables from the underworld that I realized that I had to honor the gift of god's creation. I had to praise the mighty squash.
Yes. I realize that last week I did a Tasty Tuesday on the pumpkin. That is a squash. This week, I am broadening my horizon. I am celebrating all of the squashes. The butternut. The acorn. The zucchini. Nothing says fall quite like a squash.
According to some internet research I have done the word “squash” comes from the Native American Tribe Narragansett. They referred to the squash as “askutasquash”. Being as formidable as Europeans are with foreign words, we cut most of it out. Askutasquash translates to “eaten raw or uncooked”. I don't know about you, but I've never looked at a nice round squash and taken a spoon to it.
Below are some lovely recipes from the family cookbook on what to do if you ever find yourself face to face with a 1,486 pound squash.
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Garlic
2 pounds of Yellow Squash
2 cups of Onion
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Cumin
1 ½ teaspoon of Chili Powder
1 cup of Pepper Jack
¼ cup of Goat Cheese
1 cup of Tortilla Chips
1 tablespoon of Butter
Heat butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in garlic and cook until it sizzles. Add squash and onion and toss to combine. Add water, cover, and steam until vegetables are soft, 4 to 6 minutes. Remove lid and continue cooking until all the liquid is evaporated.
Stir in cumin and 1 teaspoon of chili powder. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add eggs and cook, stirring gently, until eggs are cooked through.
Turn off heat and add pepper jack and goat cheese. Cover and let stand until cheese is melted. Stir to combine.
Spoon squash mixture into an overproof dish. Combine tortilla chip crumbs, remaining ½ teaspoon of chili powder, and melted butter in a small bowl. Sprinkle over squash. Set under broiler to brown, 1 to 2 minutes.
8 cups of Yellow Summer Squash
1 cups of Sweet Onion
1 tablespoon of Non Iodized Salt
1 cup of Green Bell Pepper
½ cup of Red Bell Pepper
2 cups of Cider Vinegar
3 ½ cups of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Celery Seed
1 teaspoon of Mustard Seed
Combine the squash and onion in a large stockpot. Sprinkle with salt. Let stand 1 hour.
Add green pepper, red pepper, vinegar, sugar, celery seed, and mustard seed to squash and onions. Bring to a boil.
Pack squash and brine into hot, sterilized jars, leaving ½ inch of head space. Remove air bubbles. Secure flat lids and rings. Process in a boiling water canner bath for 10 minutes or adjust time to your altitude.
The Big Banana
The banana is also enjoyed by the elephant. I love elephants more then I should. I have multiple elephant figurines in my room. If I was willing to stand up I would count them for you, but from where I'm lying down comatose I can see at least five. And, I know there's at least two in my closet. I even have an elephant teapot. It's intense.
Buy "Big Banana"
Bananas are not only used for phallic imagery. There also used as symbolism of perturbed mental state. Take the unreleased Big Pun track “Loco Bananas” or my personal favorite “I'm Going Bananas” from the Madonna heralded soundtrack I'm Breathless. Is it the most quality Madonna recording? No, but I'm also trying to tie songs to bananas.
The epitome of Banana culture is “Hollaback Girl”. Gwen Stefani taught young impressionable youth everywhere how to spell bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S!). She told us that shit was bananas and even now in 2015 it has left a lasting legacy.
Buy "Hollaback Girl"
Baked Sweet Potatoes & Bananas
6 Sweet Potatoes
½ cup of Butter
2/3 cup of Brown Sugar
¼ cup of Lemon Juice
½ cup of Pineapple Juice
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Arrange the sweet potatoes and bananas in alternate layers in a well greased baking dish, starting with the sweet potatoes and ending with the bananas. Dot each layer with butter and sprinkle with salt and white pepper. Sprinkle the banana layer with lemon juice.
Dot the top layer with additional butter and pour the pineapple juice over the whole thing. Bake uncovered for 30 minutes.
Heat the milk, sugar, butter, and salt, until the butter melts. Add the milk mixture to the four and yeast, along with the bananas, 1 of the eggs, plus 1 egg yolk (reserving the egg white), beating for 30 seconds on a low speed. Beat for 3 minutes on a high speed.
Stir in enough of the remaining flour to make a moderate stiff dough. Knead the dough for 5-8 minutes, or until it is smooth. Place the dough in a greased bowl, turning it once. Cover and let the dough rise until is has doubled. About an hour.
Punch the dough down, divide it in half, then cover it, and let it rest for 10 minutes.
Shape the dough into 2 round loaves, placing them on a greased baking sheet. Make vertical slits, about 1/8 inch deep around each loaf at ¾ inch intervals.
Combine the remaining egg white and 1 teaspoon of water. Brush the tops of the loaves, and cover, letting the loaves rise until doubled, about 30-45 minutes. Bake for 30 minutes.
½ cup of Pineapple Chunks
¼ cups of Orange Juice
¼ cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
½ ounce of Rum
Using a blender, blend all ingredients together.
My first problem is that she's dating her back up dancer. This is such an early 2000's trend. Dating your back up dancer is not a good idea. Britney and Kevin. Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smarts (although they're still together). Sure, Madonna dated her back up dancer a few years ago, but they were having sex. They weren't 'dating'.
Now honestly all these people are surprised and appalled. They also can't believe she doesn't love America. Sit down all of you. If you haven't said you hate America at some point in your life, your not even a true American. These people are also the casual fans who only knows the hits. I mean that's all I know, but I do my research. Ariana is a bit of a freak. She is going to sex it up in the future. And, I'm sure a doughnut is one of the most respectable places she's ever put her tongue.
2 ¾ cups of Flour
1 packet of Instant Yeast
3 tablespoons of Sugar
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Whole Milk (Warmed from 105-115 degrees)
1 ½ teaspoons of Pure Vanilla Extract
3 Egg Yolks
4 tablespoons of Butter
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, stir together 2 cups of the flour, the yeast, sugar, and salt. Add the warm milk, vanilla, and egg yolks. Mix until smooth. Add the remaining flour and the butter and mix until incorporated. Continue to mix on medium speed until the dough is soft and smooth (it will be slightly sticky).
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set in a draft-free place to rise for 1 hour, or refrigerate for up to 12 hours.
Lightly flour 2 baking sheets. Roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface and cut with a floured donut cutter or a 3- to 3-1/2-inch biscuit cutter (for the latter, you’ll also need a 1-1/2-inch biscuit cutter to form the donut holes). Discard the dough scraps, or cut into pieces to fry separately after the donuts are done, as snacks.
Place the donuts and donut holes at least 1 inch apart on the baking sheets and cover loosely with plastic wrap. Set in a warm place to rise a second time until they are puffy and nearly double in size, about 15 to 30 minutes.
The donuts are ready when the dough springs back slowly after being touched with a fingertip (if it springs back at once, it needs more time; if it collapses, it has overproofed and you can reroll the dough and cut it once).
While the donuts rise, fill a large, heavy-bottomed pot with at least 2 inches of oil (the oil should not come more than halfway up the sides of the pan). Heat over medium-high heat until a deep-frying thermometer registers 360°F. Using a spatula, carefully lower a few donuts into the oil; do not crowd the pot. Fry for 1 to 2 minutes per side, turning a few times, until the donuts are a light golden brown and cooked through.
Remove with a spider or slotted spoon, drain on a wire rack over a paper towel, and let cool slightly before glazing or tossing in sugar.
Serve the donuts as is (warm is best), tossed in powdered sugar when cool.
1 pound of Pizza Dough (store bought)
¼ cup of Powdered Sugar
Cut the dough into 10 pieces.
With your hands, form balls about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Allow to rise about 45 minutes.
Deep fry in canola oil until cooked through and brown, about 3 to 4 minutes.
Drain on paper towels, sprinkle with powdered sugar, and serve warm.
What is a condiment other then a boring topic for a Tasty Tuesday?
I have done some further research (that required me getting up from my bed) to pull out The American Heritage Dictionary and see what the official dictionary thinks of this condiment debacle. The definition they supplied me with was that it is a “a sauce, relish, or spice used to season food.”
I personally am offended that I might have to consider paprika a condiment. I need to find another source on this issue. I will take this to the President. I am in a national crisis.
Now let me tell you what I consider a condiment. It's that question you get asked at a fast food restaurant. “Do you want mayonnaise, mustard, or ketchup on your burger?”
Mustard is what those adventurous people get. The ones that like to live on the wild side. I imagine that Rachel Dolezal had too much experience with mustard. I honestly don't know how white people handle mustard. I mean we think water is spicy and I was at this place that had spicy mustard on a hot dog and I honestly didn't know white people were ready for this.
Ketchup is for the truly strange individual. Who gets ketchup on their burger. Whenever, I'm asked this question I just don't understand. Mustard and mayonnaise are the only two reasonable answers. They are the two M's. They are the M and M.
I like that good buttermilk ranch. It's good for everything. Dipping the carrots. Forgetting your eating a salad. It's a magical invention.
I embrace the condiments as a sub section of the food genre. It makes life better. Where would we be without things to dip and top our food with. In a sad mystical place where dragons breathe fire and the wheel hasn't been invented. That's where.
Honey Mustard Sauce
2/3 cup of Beef Broth
3 tablespoons of Butter
3 tablespoons of Flour
3 tablespoons of Dijon Mustard
3 tablespoons of Honey
1 teaspoon of Water
¼ teaspoon of Chili Powder
Melt the butter, then whisk in the flour to make a roux. Slowly whisk in 1/3 cup of the beef broth.
Stir in the Dijon mustard and honey, then the remaining beef broth, stirring until the sauce has thickened.
Add the water and chili powder
Serve warm. But, not too warm.
So, today I'm going to teach you about how to make French fries. Actually the three recipes I have are all baked, so it's like go on a diet and eat French fries. It's kind of amazing. I also keep typing fries as “fires” so if I don't catch it, I just wanted you to know what a mess my life is.
The French Fry needs to be worshipped. It's probably the best thing that the American culture has ever embraced besides the shopping cart. French fries are salty greasy heaven. I was out with Joyce recently and all I got was french fries. She judged me. I don't okay. French fries are life.
All my acne probably comes from my love for French fries. I think that's perfectly acceptable. French fries are amazing. Do you remember Freaky Friday. The remake, not the original when Lindsey Lohan is eating French fries in Jamie Lee Curtis's body and Jamie Lee Curtis gets really upset in Lindsey Lohan's body about how their going to go to her thighs. Good times.
Lindsay Lohan: You cannot eat fast food
Jamie Lee Curtis: Why not?
Lindsay Lohan: Because, it will go down your throat and drop instantly to my thighs.
This is where the real war is going to start. Where do you like to go get your French fries. I'm basic as fuck and I like me some McDonald's. Good, salty, and hot. Just like my men.
There really isn't such a thing as bad French fries. Always get a large, because you know you want them. Just don't be the people who get their fries at Wendy's and is like these are the best ever, because you are fucking lying to yourself. If you've got a hometown place to get your fries. Live your life. Be original. Just don't be a French fry snob.
Sweet Potato Oven Fries
2 Sweet Potatoes (peeled and cut into fries)
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Paprika
1/8 teaspoon of Garlic Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Cayenne Pepper
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray, then place the potatoes in a single layer on the baking sheet. Bake them for 15 minutes, turn them over, and bake for an additional 10 minutes.
Meanwhile, combine the salt, paprika, garlic salt, and cayenne pepper. Set aside.
Sprinkle the fires with the seasonings, tossing to combine.
Roasted Sweet Potato Wedges
2 Sweet Potatoes (peeled and cut into wedges)
1 teaspoon of Olive Oil
½ teaspoon of Curry Powder
¼ teaspoon of Salt
¼ teaspoon of Cumin
1/8 teaspoon of Cloves
1/8 teaspoon of Pepper
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.
Combine the sweet potatoes, olive oil, curry powder, cumin, cloves, and pepper. Place them in a single layer on a baking sheet, and bake for 25 minutes, or until they are done.
Steamed Crisp Potatoes
4 Potatoes (thinly sliced)
1 cup of Chicken Broth
2 tablespoons of Butter
1 teaspoon of Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper
Place the potatoes in a single layer in a skillet, season with salt and pepper, then pour ¾ cup of chicken broth over the top. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes or until the broth is absorbed.
Remove the potatoes, deglaze the plan with the remaining ¼ cup of chicken broth, add the butter, and return the potatoes to the skillet, cooking them until they are crisp.
Everything's a competition when you're raised by the television.