How To Eat Healthy 2015

Everyone is like “eat healthy”, “don't eat ten bags of potato chips”, “you're going to die young” and I'm like okay, whatever. As per usual, I don't know what to right about. So, I took divine inspiration from the 2015 January issue of Bon Appetit.

My grandfather recently gifted me with a stack of his magazines and I recycled most of them to be honest, but I snatched up those Bon Appetit magazines. I was like shit I have to write a Tasty Tuesday and I spread them out and I started flipping through one and I was hit by divine inspiration. Healthy food looks nasty.

Honestly, I try to be healthyish, but some of this food is a mess. It does not look good. It's so funny that I try to eat well. I made the grocery list this week for my mother. She's leaving to go visit my great aunt and I was like get me these fruits and vegetables. Don't buy me junk food. Get me those grape nuts. Get me those corn flakes. I really do like that type of cereal, though. I sound like a survivor of the Great Depression who's living in the nursing home, but I love those old people cereals. They slay me.

Now, my mother decides to buy these caramel, chocolate dipped pretzel things. Those are not healthy. She's all like these butter snap pretzels look hella good. Those actually aren't that bad, because I don't like the Snyder's Butter Snap pretzels. I don't know if that's weird of me, but I just don't feel them. We also bought bread and I was wanted a somewhat healthy Pumpernickel and the madre decides we should get cinnamon raisin.  

I try that is all I can say. If there is only healthy type foods to eat in the house that's what I'm going to eat. I was watching Ugly Betty tonight and I started out strong. Got me some strawberries and a banana, then those caramel chocolate dipped things called my name and I recanted. Eating healthy is hard when salt and sugar are calling your name.

Everyone is on this eating healthy kick. I was watching Wendy Williams recently and Lorraine Bracco was on. I really like her. You probably don't know the name, but she's in that show Rizzoli and Isles. She's Rizzoli's mother. And, she was on The Sopranos. I never watched it, but I'm sure she was amazing. And, she was on promoting her autobiography and she talked about eating healthy. She's also 61 and looking good. Apparently she was also Jean Paul-Gaultier's muse before he was Jean Paul-Gaultier. I honestly want her life.  

It's not even about just eating healthy. It's about eating sustainable. I went to this thing at my school about it and life is just complicated. I honestly preferred life before I had to make adult decisions. I keep forgetting that I can vote in elections. I am now old enough to make a change in the world. It's intimidating. I don't want to make my own doctor's appointments. I just want to sit at home and listen to Cyndi Lauper. That's what I really want.  

Shout out to anyone who is trying to eat healthy. Over breaks I do better, because I'll cook for myself. And, there's something that just seems more inherently healthy about cooking for yourself. But, during the school year. Between work and school obligations it's exhausting doing more then making a box of mac and cheese.

Hopefully, these recipes help you. We all have to eat and life is too short to eat food you don't enjoy. I don't know who the target audience of Bon Appetit, but something tells me it's upper middle class bored suburban housewife. I don't know who else could afford to make this.

RECIPES:
The Greenest Smoothie
1 frozen Banana
1 cup of frozen Pineapple Pieces
1 cup of fresh Parsley
1 cup of Unsweetened Almond Milk
2 tablespoons of Almond Butter
2 tablespoons of Flaxseed Oil
1 teaspoon of Agave Nectar
1 teaspoon of Matcha
½ teaspoon of finely grated peeled Ginger

Puree all ingredients together. Sweeten with more agave if desired.

SIDE NOTE: I have no fucking idea what Matcha is.

Five Grain Porridge with Bee Pollen, Apples, and Coconut
Porridge
½ cup of Brown Rice
½ cup of Quinoa
¼ cup of Amaranth
¼ cup of Millet
¼ cup of Wheat Bran
½ teaspoon of Kosher Salt
Assembly
1 tablespoon of Virgin Cocount Oil
¼ cup of Unsweetened Coconut Flakes
1 cut into ¼ inch pieces Pink Lady
¼ teaspoon of Cinnamon
2 tablespoons of Honey

Bring brown rice, quinoa, amaranth, millet, wheat bran, salt, and 6 cups of water to a boil in a medium pot. Reduce heat, partially cover, and simmer, stirring occasionally, until cereal is the consistency of porridge (softer and thicker than the usual bowl of oatmeal) and water is absorbed. About 40-50 minutes.

Heat coconut oil in a medium skillet over medium-high. Cook coconut flakes, stirring often, until toasted, 2 minutes, transfer to a plate.

Add apple, cinnamon, and 2 tablespoons of honey to skillet and cook, stirring occasionally, until apples are browned in spots about 3 minutes.

Serve porridge topped with apples, coconut, sea salt, bee pollen, and a drizzle of honey if you like.

SIDE NOTE: I don't know in what world someone has time to make this for breakfast. This is some dystopian novel shit. Bon Appetit is forgetting that we live in a capitalist society. Unless I get a maid this is not getting made for breakfast. And, in what universe is bee pollen casually thrown into the title of a recipe. This is what white America is.  

“Tandoori” Carrots with Vadouvan Spice and Yogurt
2 tablespoons of Vadouvan
2 finely grated Garlic Cloves
½ cup of Plain Whole Milk Greek Yogurt
5 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 pound of Small Carrots
¼ teaspoons of Turmeric
2 tablespoons of Lemon Juice

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Mix vadouvan, half of garlic, ¼ cup of yogurt, and 3 tablespoons of oil in a large bowl until smooth, season with salt and pepper. Add carrots and toss to coat. Roast on a rimmed baking sheet in a single layer, turning occasionally, until tender and lightly charred in spots. 25-30 minutes.

Meanwhile heat turmeric and remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in a small skillet over medium low swirling skillet, until fragrant, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat.

Whisk lemon juice, remaining garlic, and remaining ¼ cup of yogurt in a small bowl, season with salt and pepper.

Place carrots on a platter. Drizzle with yogurt mixture and turmeric oil and top with cilantro. Serve with lemon wedges.

SIDE NOTE: No, I don't know why there are quotations marks around tandoori.  

Chocolate Coconut Date Bars
2 cups of pitted Dates
¾ cup of raw Cocoa Powder
¾ cup of Unsweetened Shredded Coconut
¼ cup of Cocao Nibs
2 tablespoon of Agave Syrup
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
2 tablespoons of Water

Coat 8x8 baking pan with nonstick vegetable oil spray, line with parchement leaving overhang on all sides. Blend all ingredients in food processor until smooth. Press mixture firmly into pan. Cut into bars.

Normally, I would be like e-mail comment if you need any help. Yeah, I don't know what's happening. However, if you actually make any of these. Please comment. I want to know if there as terrible as they sound. All recipes came from the January issue of this year's Bon Appetit.