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Not since The Devil Wears Prada has there been a romantic-comedy that captures the FUN of the fashion industry. Macho is a Mexican film concerning about a closeted heterosexual designer who uses his flamboyant ways to peddle his craft, until he has to get a boyfriend to prove just how gay he is.
The script plays with homophobia in a light hearted way that's only occasionally a little hard to handle. It's surprisingly sweet. Miguel Rodarte plays lead the philandering man whore, Cecilia Suarez is his beautiful competent partner who picks his fake boyfriend from the homosexuals in the office. Renato Lopez is young enough to still have his dimples and a machine gun from his late husband.
Macho for all of it's posturing delivers laughs. You'll have to turn your subtitles on, but it's worth it. There's drama, flair, and a fake Karl Lagerfield. Most importantly where gays in the cinema end up broken hearted or dead, there's not a dead unhappy gay to report! Macho has my seal of approval.
That is my wild and crazy thing I do. Clean the house. They come home it's spotless and I resort back to falling asleep and never doing anything.
The reason they left recently was because my dear old aunt was having some technical difficulties. She's eighty four and she is convinced that she can live all by herself, but during the winter she is a lot less convinced of that. She needed someone to come up and visit her and help her out.
I was back in school, so the parents sashayed away. It was a glorious week. You just need your parents to leave sometimes. They're existence is annoying. They constantly want you to spend time with them and tell them what's happening and you just don't want to tell them.
Real response is nothing is happening. I am existing and I would really appreciate you respecting my lack of importance in this world. When you do tell them things they give you advice that you don't want.
Before they left for the Aunt's house, I had them buy me groceries. Good real food and you better believe I lived for the next five days. They decided to come home early which was annoying as fuck. I had one more day without you. Stop.
These are the four recipes I made. They turned out questionably well. If your just one person, these meals allowed me to live for a day. I also really don't know what to say about the soup that is in here. I messed something up, because when I finished making it was more of a casserole then a soup. So, LOL be careful. I don't know what I'm doing.
If you are ever home alone with nothing to do you should experience the week in the life and times of Bubbles Utonium and hopefully do a much better job at cooking then I did.
1 pound of cooked Orzo
2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 chopped Green Onion
1 minced Clove of Garlic
14 ounces of drained and chopped Tomatoes
1 ¼ cup of Heavy Cream
1 cup of Peas
¾ cups of grated Parmesan Cheese
Saute the green onion and garlic in the olive oil for two minutes. Add the chopped tomatoes, cooking for eight minutes.
Add the heavy cream and peas, stirring to mix.
Add the orzo, tossing to coat well. Remove the skillet from the heat and stir in the Parmesan cheese.
SIDE NOTE: My parents refused to buy any form of cheese. This was sans cheese. It was so healthy it hurt, but in a good way.
Mac & Cheese
12 ounces of cooked Egg Noodles
1 ½ cups of Milk
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 teaspoons of Flour
½ teaspoon of Salt
¼ teaspoon of Pepper
2 cups of grated Fontina Cheese
¾ cups of grated Parmesan Cheese
¾ cups of grated Mozzarella Cheese
2 tablespoons of chopped fresh Parsley
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.
Whisk the milk, heavy cream, flour, salt, and pepper, blending well. Stir in 1 cup of the fontina cheese, ½ cup of the Parmesan cheese, ½ cup of the mozzarella cheese, and parsley. Add the noodles, tossing to coat them well. Pour the mixture into a buttered baking dish.
Combine 1 cup of fontina cheese, ¼ cup of Parmesan cheese, and ¼ cup of mozzarella cheese, then sprinkle them over the noodles. Bake for 15 minutes or until the sauce bubbles and the cheese metls, and begins to brown.
Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.
SIDE NOTE: I have had this recipe before and it's hella good. But, the cheese I had was colby jack and some mozzarella. It was still hella good, but not as hella good as it could have been.
Cream of Carrot Soup
4 chopped Green Onions
2 tablespoons of Butter
¼ teaspoon of sliced and steamed Carrots
¼ teaspoons of White Pepper
2 peeled, seeded, and chopped Cucumber
1 cup of Rice
1 ½ cup of Water
2 cups of Chicken Broth
½ teaspoon of Salt
1/3 cup of Heavy Cream
2 tablespoon of Chervil
Saute the green onions and white pepper in the butter until soft, but not browned, about 5 minutes. Add 1 cup of the chicken broth, cucumbers, and half of the carrots, bringing to a boil. Reduce the heat and cover, simmering for 20 minutes.
Puree the mixture, return it to the pan and add the remaining carrots, rice, and water, bringing to a boil. Reduce the heat and cover, simmering for another 40 minutes or until the rice is done.
Stir in 1 cup of chicken broth and bring the soup to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer for 5 minutes. Stir in the heavy cream and simmer. Add the chervil.
SIDE NOTE: I do not know what I did wrong, but there was no moisture in this recipe when I made it. So, if you are a fuck up like me, check it while it's simmering so you don't burn the house down. Instead of a soup, I got a casserole. A CASSEROLE
Broccoli Wild Rice Casserole
2 tablespoons of Butter
2 tablespoons of minced Onions
2 tablespoons of Flour
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Milk
½ cup of Sour Cream
2 packages of cooked Uncle Ben's Wild Rice
6 sliced and steamed stalks of Broccoli
1 cup of grated Colby-Jack Cheese
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Saute the onions in the butter until they are softened. Add the flour, mixing well. Slowly whisk in the milk, stirring until the mixture thickens slightly.
Add the sour cream, stirring to combine. Remove from the heat and stir in the rice.
Layer half of the rice in a baking dish, then place the broccoli around the edges of the dish. Pour the remaining rice into the center of the broccoli edging.
Sprinkle the cheese over the rice. Bake, covered, for 20 minutes, then uncover, and bake for another 10 minutes, or until the cheese bubbles.
Chapel of Love
This might be the most depressing thing ever. Every year on Valentines Day I celebrate. As one does. I am perpetually alone. That is not said. Until this year there wasn't anyone I wanted to spend Valentines Day with and I am slowly but surely getting over him.
Honestly being single has not been a bad life. This ritual I amassed has really came around from just wanting to celebrate a holiday that I don't really have any reason celebrating. I have a Valentine's Day play list, the top of which includes Bette Midler's fantastic “Chapel of Love”.
Buy "Chapel of Love"
There's this one girl in my math class. She's 18, 19. My age and she is engaged and moved out of the house into this apartment complex. Her man is a mechanic and it's just too much. Of course I say that and J. Lo's engaged as well. It happened in October or November.
She's been dating this boy since high school. I'm fairly sure he was her first boyfriend. He's like a year older then her and they got engaged. I'm just like do as you will. I have no opinion. I can't get a boy to buy me black coffee at McDonald's let alone have a continued relationship with one. Lord I can't even get my crush- former crush to spend time with me.
J. Lo's boy toy is in college to be a youth pastor.
Gag me. Gag me, now. It makes me throw up in my mouth. Going into college, getting into debt, to do something you don't need any training for. Most people use the Bible as a user agreement that you don't read, you just press agree to. You don't need educational training for it.
Her fiance is very nice, though. I like him. Thunder's engaged to. She is four years older then J. Lo and who knows I might be in the wedding. It's going to be in May and it's going to be beautiful. You know she asked me if I need a plus one.
I'm telling her just to sit next him. Like you don't have to talk to him. You don't even have to make eye contact. Just sit next to him. And, if somehow the opportunity arises for you to make conversation, who knows. And, she's sexy as fuck. This could work. She's hipster.
Of course as great as love is, that has nothing to do with what I do on Valentine's day. I make a wedding cake. A full blown wedding cake. Usually I don't decorate it, because that's too much effort and I watch a romantic comedy and cry. Actually, I don't usually cry. What I do is I go out and buy a new romantic comedy I've never seen, I come home, bake the cake, stuff my face, and watch the movie.
It's a great plan. I make the weirdest wedding cakes, though. Be forewarned. I think it's completely depressing, but I love it. This year I'm breaking the tradition. I'm not baking a cake. I'm just going out to see 50 Shades of Grey and love every minute of it.
God, I hate love.
Mexican Wedding Cake
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
20 ounces of crushed Pineapple (Do not drain)
3 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1-2 cups of Powdered Sugar
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees
Combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, crushed pineapple, and eggs beating well. Pour the batter into a prepared cake pan, and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.
Yellow Sheet Cake
2 ¾ cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Powder
¾ teaspoons of Salt
16 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Sugar
1 tablespoon of Vanilla Extract
1 ½ cup of Milk
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease a baking pan and line with parchment paper.
Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together.
In another bowl, beat the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy about 3-6 minutes. Beat in the eggs and vanilla until combined for about 30 seconds.
Reduce the mixer speed and put in one third of the flour mixture and a half of the milk. Repeat step. Then, beat in the remaining flour until just incorporated.
Scrape the batter into the prepared pan. Bake the cake for 25 to 30 minutes. Let it cool for two hours. Run a knife around the edges. Flip the cake over and serve.
NOTE: No one said that the wedding's I was attending were classy.
3 sticks of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Heavy Cream
2 ½ teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
¼ teaspoon of Salt
3 cups of Powdered Sugar
Beat the butter, cream, vanilla, and salt on a high speed for 1 to 2 minutes. Reduce the mixer speed and incorporate the powdered sugar until smooth about 4 to 6 minutes. Increase the mixer speed and beat frosting until it is light and fluffy about 5 to 10 minutes.
NOTE: This is what I call the jilted groom. Why make the cake when you can just eat the frosting instead.
The Whole Foods Experience
So, instead of dredging up the past and trying to make something up for you. I am going to tell you about my experiences with Whole Foods. This might be a national entity. It isn't everywhere like Walmart, but essentially it's this very high class super market, where nothing is name brand. I think Trader Joe's would be a good comparison. Hopefully wherever you live you have one of these.
I was out to the movies with Rosencrantz and Sacajawea this one Saturday night, but we had two hours to kill. So, went into the downtown area and got us some cupcakes at this adorable little cupcake shop. That was everything. But, we still had time to kill and movie theater candy to sneak in.
Me, being the genius that I am suggest that we go to Whole Foods. Experience the good life. Before we even go in. There are these two stations outside for people to charge up their electric cars. These exist. When did this happen. I thought we were going to have pay to get into this store, that is too good for me.
The first thing we are accosted with is the fresh produce section. I see spiky fruit and some very expensive raspberries. Then, there's this long leaf, thing, with these cactus spikes on the end. I pick it up and it starts to cave into itself.
I am standing in the middle of this upper class grocery store, waving an aloe leaf around, saying “Rosencrantz why do they even have this?” I'm not totally uneducated. I know what aloe is. I just didn't understand why there was an aloe leaf for sale in a grocery store. Are rich people making their own aloe lotion know, so they have to go to the store and sever the aloe leaf themselves to get all the healing powers out of it. I just don't know why it was there.
The goal I had in mind when we entered the Whole Foods was to find a drink. Something unusual, but not disgusting. The Papaya Cayenne didn't really appeal to me. Actually almost every drink they had didn't appeal to me. By the grace of god we stumble upon a line of lemonades. I decide I will try the mango one in the name of experimentation (it was terrible). But, we still had a good bit of time before the movie started.
Bob Marley also has his own line of drinks now. Let's clarify that. His family using his picture now has their own line of drinks. I was interested. I was about to buy it. But, they were like caffeine boosters and energy drinks, and I am just not here for that. I do not need Bob Marley to help me with my mental capacity.
Having checked on their website. I have a few recipes you might want to try. I didn't.
Peruvian Crab Causa
1/2 large red onion, finely chopped
1/2 cup white vinegar
1 (4-ounce) can sliced jalapeño peppers, with their juice
1/3 bunch cilantro, leaves and stems, finely chopped
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 (8-ounce) jar roasted yellow peppers, strained and finely chopped
1/2 lime, Juice of
2 pounds Yukon potatoes
Salt and pepper, to taste
2 limes, Juice of
1/4 cup canola or corn oil
1 (16-ounce) can lump crab meat, drained
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 avocados, sliced
6 large romaine lettuce leaves, sliced
Grease a 12-inch rectangular bread mold with a bit of oil, then line it with 2 large pieces of plastic wrap, making sure they overlap so all the bottom and sides of the mold are covered and there is enough wrap on the sides of the mold with which to fold over and tightly cover the causa once it has been assembled. Set aside.
For the relish, put onions and vinegar into a medium bowl, cover and set aside for 45 minutes. Meanwhile, place the jalapeños and their juice into a blender and blend until smooth. Strain the mixture through a fine sieve, separating the juice from pulp left over. Reserve juice and pulp separately in small bowls. Strain the onions, discarding the vinegar and return to the bowl. Add cilantro, salt and pepper, 1/2 cup of the yellow peppers, lime juice and 1 tablespoon of the reserved jalapeño pulp. Cover and set relish aside. (Reserve remaining jalapeño pulp and juice for later use in the causa.)
For the causa, place potatoes in a large pot and cover by 2 inches with cold water. Add 2 tablespoons salt and bring to a boil. Cook for about 25 minutes, until potatoes are tender when pierced with a knife. Drain and let potatoes cool until you can handle them safely. Peel potatoes and press them through a potato ricer or the fine side of a cheese grater, making sure no lumps remain. Transfer potatoes to a large bowl and add the juice of 1 lime, oil and 1/4 cup of the reserved jalapeño juice. Mix with a potato masher, adding salt and pepper to taste. Place in the refrigerator until cooled.
Meanwhile, mix crab meat with mayonnaise and juice from 1/2 a lime. Season with salt and pepper, cover and refrigerate. Put avocados, remaining juice from 1/2 a lime, salt and pepper into a bowl and toss gently to combine.
Use a large spoon to spread one-third of the potato mixture into a layer at the bottom of the bread mold. Arrange half of the avocado slices in the mold for the next layer, making sure all corners and sides of the mold are covered. Transfer about 6 dollops of the crab meat mixture to a small bowl, cover and refrigerate for later use. Spread half of the remaining crab meat mixture into the mold to make the next layer. Press down firmly with the back of a spoon. Repeat with one more layer each of the potato mixture, avocados and crab, then finish with a layer of potato mixture on top. Fold the plastic wrap over the top of the mold to cover completely. Press down slightly along the top of the mold, then refrigerate for at least 1 hour.
To serve, carefully uncover the plastic wrap and unmold the causa over a serving plate. Spread some of the reserved relish over the top of the causa. Arrange lettuce leaves on 6 serving plates. Cut the causa carefully into six slices and place one slice on top of the lettuce on each serving plate. Add more of the relish and a dollop of the reserved crab meat mix on top of each slice. Serve immediately.
Pasta Frittata, Chard Bacon, and Goat Cheese
2 cups whole wheat shells or fusilli
4 slices bacon, cut into small pieces
1 cup chopped yellow onion
4 lightly packed cups chopped chard
1 (4-ounce) package fresh goat cheese with garlic and herbs, crumbled
2 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Bring a medium pot of water to a boil, add pasta and cook until al dente, about 10 minutes. Drain well and set aside. (If you’re using leftover cooked pasta, you’ll need about 3 cups.)
Meanwhile, in a large, ovenproof skillet, cook bacon over medium-high heat until just crisp, 6 to 8 minutes. Transfer to a paper-towel-lined plate and set aside. Carefully discard all but 1 tablespoon drippings and then return the skillet to the heat. Add onion and cook, stirring often, until golden brown, about 5 minutes. Add chard and cook, tossing occasionally, until wilted, 2 to 3 minutes more.
Meanwhile, in a large bowl, whisk together eggs, half of the goat cheese, parsley, salt and pepper; stir in pasta and bacon. Pour into the skillet, spreading out evenly, top with remaining goat cheese and cook 2 minutes more.
Transfer to the oven and bake until set in the middle and golden brown around the edges, 10 to 15 minutes. Let rest for 10 minutes and then loosen edges and bottom and slide out onto a plate. Cut into wedges and serve.
1 1/4 cup rolled oats
1 1/4 cup dried currants
1/2 cup no-salt-added unsweetened peanut butter
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Place oats, currants, peanut butter, vanilla and cinnamon in a food processor and process until smooth and sticking together. Drizzle in 2 to 3 tablespoons hot water so that the mixture comes into a ball. Using a teaspoon, scoop out a heaping spoonful of the mixture. Roll into a ball, pressing firmly so that it sticks together. Chill bites until ready to serve. Refrigerate in an airtight container for up to 5 days or freeze for up to 1 week.
ALL RECIPES RETRIEVED FROM www.wholefoodsmarket.com
Everything's a competition when you're raised by the television.