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Doughnut Gate

8/11/2015

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I'm here today to give you the dish on Ariana Grande and a recipe or two on how to make donuts. I just want everyone to know that it bothers me that the plural of doughnut is donuts. Why all those letters be missing.

At this point you should know about Doughnut Gate. It's been a good bit of time and as per usual I had no idea what to blog about today.  

This is the scene. Ariana is out with her boyfriend/back up dancer at a doughnut shop where they both dare each other to lick donuts. That they are not buying. You know Ariana is on the Honeymoon Tour right now. She's had a massive amount of hits from My Everything and I guess she decided she needed a man.
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My first problem is that she's dating her back up dancer. This is such an early 2000's trend. Dating your back up dancer is not a good idea. Britney and Kevin. Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smarts (although they're still together). Sure, Madonna dated her back up dancer a few years ago, but they were having sex. They weren't 'dating'.  
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Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
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Madonna and Jesus Luz
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Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smarts
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That's what Ariana needs to learn. You have sex with the hunky male back up dancer. Do some crazy positions when you've had too much too drink and put him back on the shelf when the tour is over. Maybe even confide something to him to make him feel special. A serious relationship is not what this boy is for.

Also, the fact that this boy is not famous is the root of the problem. Big Sean would not have been caught dead in public being a freak with Ariana. But, this no name Ricky Alvarez is acting like the dumb twenty year old he is. He has nothing to lose. Ariana does.
Now honestly all these people are surprised and appalled. They also can't believe she doesn't love America. Sit down all of you. If you haven't said you hate America at some point in your life, your not even a true American. These people are also the casual fans who only knows the hits. I mean that's all I know, but I do my research. Ariana is a bit of a freak. She is going to sex it up in the future. And, I'm sure a doughnut is one of the most respectable places she's ever put her tongue.
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People are so up in arms about this spit exchange and honestly I'm just not offended. Let's be real. The people who prepare our food do worse things then that. Ariana wasn't sick and neither was this boy toy. Whoever consumed this doughnut is not going to die of malaria from it.

The real question is if I would feel this way if this was Joe at the butcher shop down the street. No. I would be irritated. But, if you ingest Ariana Grande's spit. That's A-List celebrity grade saliva. You have been blessed. I don't want to take in D-List non-celebrity Ricky Alvarez's DNA.

The truth of the matter is. People are going to forget about this in ten years. In one and we all bought My Everything all ready. We've already invested. We might as well stay on the Ariana train. Because, it's not stopping anytime soon.
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RECIPES:
Yeast Donuts
2 ¾ cups of Flour
1 packet of Instant Yeast
3 tablespoons of Sugar
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Whole Milk (Warmed from 105-115 degrees)
1 ½ teaspoons of Pure Vanilla Extract
3 Egg Yolks
4 tablespoons of Butter
Vegetable Oil

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, stir together 2 cups of the flour, the yeast, sugar, and salt. Add the warm milk, vanilla, and egg yolks. Mix until smooth. Add the remaining flour and the butter and mix until incorporated. Continue to mix on medium speed until the dough is soft and smooth (it will be slightly sticky).

Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set in a draft-free place to rise for 1 hour, or refrigerate for up to 12 hours.

Lightly flour 2 baking sheets. Roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface and cut with a floured donut cutter or a 3- to 3-1/2-inch biscuit cutter (for the latter, you’ll also need a 1-1/2-inch biscuit cutter to form the donut holes). Discard the dough scraps, or cut into pieces to fry separately after the donuts are done, as snacks.

Place the donuts and donut holes at least 1 inch apart on the baking sheets and cover loosely with plastic wrap. Set in a warm place to rise a second time until they are puffy and nearly double in size, about 15 to 30 minutes.

The donuts are ready when the dough springs back slowly after being touched with a fingertip (if it springs back at once, it needs more time; if it collapses, it has overproofed and you can reroll the dough and cut it once).

While the donuts rise, fill a large, heavy-bottomed pot with at least 2 inches of oil (the oil should not come more than halfway up the sides of the pan). Heat over medium-high heat until a deep-frying thermometer registers 360°F. Using a spatula, carefully lower a few donuts into the oil; do not crowd the pot. Fry for 1 to 2 minutes per side, turning a few times, until the donuts are a light golden brown and cooked through.

Remove with a spider or slotted spoon, drain on a wire rack over a paper towel, and let cool slightly before glazing or tossing in sugar.

Serve the donuts as is (warm is best), tossed in powdered sugar when cool.
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Donut Zeppole
1 pound of Pizza Dough (store bought)
Canola Oil
¼ cup of Powdered Sugar

Cut the dough into 10 pieces.

With your hands, form balls about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Allow to rise about 45 minutes.

Deep fry in canola oil until cooked through and brown, about 3 to 4 minutes.

Drain on paper towels, sprinkle with powdered sugar, and serve warm. 
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Pop The Fun

6/29/2015

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Pringles are my obsession. If I was the kind of blogger who wrote poetry it's what I would write about. Pringles are going to be the death of me and my cholesterol count.

I love all kinds of Pringles. I do not hate on any kind of Pringle. I do not discriminate. I try them all. I eat them all. I put them into my body and they turn into unintentional weight gain that I do not support running in the 2016 Presidential Campaign.
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I've been making attempts to eat reasonably healthy. My parents are the ones who have been undermining me. I told you about my mother and those delicious chocolate covered caramel pretzels, and my mouth just watered and it's a struggle. My father hit much closer to home and bought me multiple cans of Pringles. I do not have control over my body when Pringles are around. I ate an entire can in one day and gained a pound (that I proceeded to lose).
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Quite recently, I broke my own eat healthy guidelines. They had new Pringle flavors out and your world famous blogger bought two cans.

One was Bacon flavored and the other was Wasabi and Soy.

Now, I don't actually have any recipes that use Pringles in them. I'll google some good ones for you. I'm sure someone crushes up Pringles and using it as breading. Other people put them in chocolate bars. I've had one and they are just as delicious as you imagine. There is no sarcasm in that statement.

Of course the real topic of discussion are these new flavors I stumbled upon. I have tried a lot of crazy Pringle flavors. Most of which I enjoy. The seasonal flavors are surprisingly good. I stand by the Peppermint White Chocolate and I even feel the Pumpkin Spice flavored Pringles, even though I'm not a pumpkin kind of boy.
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If you are passing judgment that's fine. If I had not tried them, I would have also given it the side eye. It's flavors like these that have given me the confidence to try any flavor the Pringle brand puts out, because they do not disappoint. Even, if the flavor is weird as fuck.
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Let's start with Bacon. Bacon is quintessential red blooded male flavor. I recently volunteered at an event and I served food and all the men reinforced their masculine by checking out the bacon and eating too much of it. Although. That bacon was the shit and I don't judge them at all.

Pringles did not go wrong. These were amazing. I paced myself. Ate them over the course of two days. Did not gain a pound. The only strange thing is that the can looks like the Original can, so it's hard to differentiate. I even ate the crumbs. I tilted that can and sucked it up. Did one of my coworkers judge me? Yes. Was it worth it? Also yes.
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The Wasabi and Soy Sauce. Where do I even start. They were green. I was watching Hot In Cleveland. I ate one. It made me want to throw up. It was hot and disgusting. I threw the can away. Love yourself and don't buy this flavor. Trusts me. I am speaking the truth.

Does this change my love for Pringles. Absolutely not and now I have new ways to enjoy them and I am more then down for that.
RECIPES:
Pringle's Cookies

2 cups of Butter
1 cup of Sugar
2 teaspoons of Vanilla
4 cups of Flour
1 cup (2/3 can) of crushed Original Pringle's
1 cup of Chopped Nuts
Red and green sugar for coating cookies 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter, sugar and vanilla. Add flour; mix well. Stir in crushed Pringle's and chopped nuts. Combine thoroughly. Form into 1 inch balls. Roll in either red, green or granulated sugar. Place on ungreased baking sheets. Flatten with bottom of a glass dipped in sugar. Bake at 350 degrees for 14-16 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. .
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Pringle's Party Candy
1 pound of White Chocolate
1 small can of Salted Peanuts
2 cans of Pringles

Crush potato chips slightly and mix with the nuts. Melt the chocolate in saucepan. Stir chocolate and nut mixture together and spread onto cookie sheet. Let cool and break into pieces.
Pringle's Fried Chicken
3 Chicken Breats
1 Egg
1 cup of Milk
1 container of Pringles

Lay the chicken breasts flat on a cutting board. Slice through them with your knife parallel to the cutting board, making thin cutlets. Set aside.

In a bowl, whisk the egg. Add the milk and whisk together.

Place the Pringles in a plastic zippy bag. Crush with a rolling pin until you have uniform crumbs. Pour into a shallow bowl.

Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray.

Dip each piece of chicken in milk mixture, then in crumbs, completely covering in the Pringles. Place on the baking sheet.

Bake 20-30 minutes, until chicken is no longer pink in the thickest portion.
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Eat A Hamburger

6/15/2015

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I'm practically a vegetarian. It's not that I don't eat meat. It's that I don't make it for myself. If I am home alone, I am not cooking meat. I'm surprised I haven't died because of my lack of protein. Black and Sacajawea are both vegetarians and I honestly feel connected to them in that way. If it is just in spirit.
I had a cheeseburger recently when I went out with Joyce to see Pitch Perfect 2 (for the second time). It had bacon, Swiss cheese, the lettuce, the tomato, and sauerkraut. It was surprisingly amazing. Joyce got the same thing. I didn't know about this and when we were ordering I was like what the actual fuck.  
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I am not skilled at eating even though I've been doing it for 19 years. This burger went every which way, but it was glorious. I couldn't even get most of it in my mouth. Something I should file under things my boyfriend shouldn't know. Joyce did a decidedly better job and it made me hate her just a little bit.

This was my first experience with meat in weeks and it's only because I'd gone out in public. Legitimately after I finish writing this, I'm going to go to the kitchen. Wash up some carrots, steam them, and call it lunch. I don't eat meat.
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Five days after this. It is the twins birthday. Obviously I had to celebrate with them. We all went out to this hamburger place in town. Somehow I ended up driving four people there. I don't know how that happened. Of course I was the life of the party. It was an eclectic group of people. They really were a lot of fun.

It hit me during this meal that I was eating yet another hamburger in the space of the week. This one was more manageable to fit into my mouth and for some reason it was on Texas toast. I wasn't complaining. Sacajawea actually loves this place, because they have vegetarian options for the patty. So, I actually could have continued my vegetarianism.  
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The biggest surprise of the night for me was their heterosexual male friend. The twins were like your going to like him. And, I was like doubtful. He actually was very nice. And, as the youngest person there he was the only one dating someone and it honestly made me a little upset. But, I'm not salty.

Actually the best thing that happened was when I spilled ketchup all over my jeans. It was definitely a fuck moment. Of course we went out after the burgers to get milkshakes at a totally unrelated place. I'm sure no one noticed the red outline on my black jeans.
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This is where the other gay friend of the twins makes his entrance. Up to this point I had been the cutest boy there. I'm not going to compete with the hipster heterosexual. And, to be fair I was still the cutest gay boy there. He had on this shirt that had “Dunce” blazoned across it. It was like a jersey. It said “Dunce” and then the number 50. And, I just looked up what a dunce means and it says “a person who is slow at learning, a stupid person”. Well, boo you stupid for wearing that shirt.
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There honestly wasn't anything that went right with this outfit. He also had on Tom's which by themselves are not a bad thing. But, he had on knee high socks with them. And, I've seen him before with ballet socks, so I'm like bitch. Then, he has on shorts. Also not the biggest problem. But, they're those tacky jeans cut off at the knee and they don't even make his ass look good. The entire moment was who let you walk out of the house this way.

Needless to say there's no animosity lost between the two of us. We're basically the epitome of best friends. 
I say all of this to offer you the hamburger recipes I grew up with as a child. Enjoy. Embrace them. They are the Utonium family stronghold.  
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RECIPES:
All American Burgers 
1 lb. Ground Beef
1 chopped Green Onion
1 minced clove of Garlic
1 tablespoon of Soy Sauce
½ tsp. Pepper
1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
¼ teaspoon of salt

Combine all ingredients; form into patties.

Grill

Beef & Tomato Burger
1 pound of Ground Beef
1 tablespoon of Sun-Dried Tomatoes
1 teaspoon of Lemon Zest
¼ cup of Mayonnaise
2 tablespoons of Fresh Basil
1 seeded and chopped Jalapeno
4 Onion Hamburger Buns
Fresh Spinach

Combine ground beef, tomatoes, and lemon zest. Shape into 4 patties. Grill until done.

To make the sauce, combine the mayonnaise and jalapeno pepper.

Town Burgers
1-2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
2 pounds of Ground Beef
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper
1 tablespoon of Butter
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
4 English Muffins
4 slices of Tomato

Form burgers, then season generously with salt and pepper on both sides. Wipe down skillet with olive oil before heating over medium-high heat. Char the burgers well on both sides, about 4 minutes per side. Just before the burgers are done, remove them to a wire rack to rest for 5 minutes.

Divide the butter evenly on each burger and sprinkle with a little parsley. While the burgers are resting, toast the English Muffins. Return the burgers to heat through. Place a burger on each muffin and top with a tomato slice.
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    Everything's a competition when you're raised by the television. 

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