Category: Tuesday

American Idol... Returns?

6/6/2017

American Idol host, Ryan Seacrest is also in talks to return for the 2018 season of American Idol. In comparison to Katy Perry, the mainstay from the previous seasons is only being offered $10 Million US Dollars for his services

American Idol has only been off the air since last year. The juggernaut saw it's commercial peak wane after Paula and Simon called it quits, and although the forebarer to The Voice, in the words of Nelly Furtado, “all good things must come to an end.” A-List stars Jennifer Lopez, Mariah Carey, and Nicki Minaj couldn't save the show.

Scream Queens got canceled, but somehow American Idol got picked up by ABC- switching networks from Fox- for the 2018 season. You've got a solid 6+ months to get ready to decide if your going to binge this rework. With the reemergence of Will & Grace, Roseanne, Full House, and The Gilmore Girls, to name only a few it's questionable if this brand is heading for a comeback too soon.

So, far all we know is that Katy Perry is on the judging panel for a cool $25 million dollars. ABC is banking on Katy Perry having personality, but global superstars aren't going to give it to the people auditioning good like we want. We need a Simon Cowell. A Natalia Kills to say “as someone who respects creative integrity and intellectual property... I'm disgusted!” Jennifer Lopez was sweet. Same with Britney. We need a little edge and Katy Perry can only kiss a girl so many times for ratings.

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The Perks of Being A Waffle

7/26/2016

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My mother threw away our waffle iron. She said that no one in our family liked waffles. I told her no one is this family likes to cook. She threw it away anyway.

Recently my family made the decision to get another waffle iron. Do I know why? Hell no. But, it's not my money and it's nice to know that I now have the option to not make waffles when I want to. Now I can just bitch about being unwilling to make waffles.

Waffles are the brutally shaped version of the pancake. The pancake is slim and circular, sometimes shaped. It must be torture being molded and shaped into the perfect waffle. Just like the American education system or the children of evangelical pastors. In other news I wonder why we don't hear more about waffle rebellion.

You know what I love about waffles is that they are ridgy and sexy as hell. You can put that syrup in their. That butter. Maybe some strawberries if your feeling especially wild. Whip cream if your metabolism can handle the calories.

Pancakes are just not as good as waffles. You can do so much more with waffles. Sure pancakes are slim, but we need to stop shape shaming waffles. They are beautiful just the way they are.

There is not a day I go on twitter without seeing Waffle House trending. I don't know what's happening at Waffle House's across the United States, but something interesting. Cousins are fucking each other. Someone's getting chocolate chips in their waffles. Others are upset about getting court documents served while they have a fork in their Belgian waffles. Real problems happen there.

Waffle Houses are the center of all drama and all prostitutes in America. Country singer, Brandy Clark recently sang, “we don't have have Waffle House, but we always have something to talk about.” Bitch what are you talking about.

Waffles are also the most important part of a college campus. People take ten year to get the batter out and put it in the waffle maker. Then they burn it and make another one and you just want to yell at them to make some toast and grab the grape jelly and go, but you don't because your a good conservative Christian.

I'm writing this and I still don't know what the fuck a Belgian waffle is. And, if you think I'm googling you are underestimating how good my wifi is.

I do particularly enjoy a good chicken and waffles. It's the kind of thing that doesn't sound good. You see the syrup and the powdered sugar and you think to yourself, “what kind of New Orleans bullshit is this” and then you bite in and your like “damn New Orleans knows what the fuck is up.”

This is just a PSA from your friendly neighborhood blogger to love the waffle like it is your child. Although most of us have pancakes (sometimes known as flapjack), you should not discriminate against the waffle just because it's look different from other breakfast foods. Waffles have feelings too.

RECIPES:
Wheat Bran Waffles
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ cup of Wheat Bran
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
4 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Buttermilk
¼ cup of Honey

Prepare and heat waffle iron.

Whisk together the flour, wheat bran, salt, and baking soda in bowl. In a seperate bowl whisk together egg yolks, butter, honey, and buttermilk. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until still peaks form. Make a well in the center of dry ingredients, pour the buttermilk mixture into well, and whisk gently until the mixture is just incorporated. Fold the whipped egg whites into the batter.

Spread the appropriate amount of batter onto the waffle iron and cook until golden brown.

Waffles Benedict
2 cups of All Purpose Baking Mix
1 1/3 cup of Buttermilk
½ cup of Parmesan Cheese
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
5 Large Eggs
½ teaspoon of White Vinegar
0.9 ounce envelope of Hollondaise Sauce Mix
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
¼ teaspoon of Dried Tarragon
8 slices of Prosciutto

Stir together baking mix, next 3 ingredients, and 1 egg into a bowl until well blended. Let stand for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, add water to a depth of 3 inches in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and maintain a light simmer. Add vinegar. Break remaining 4 eggs, and slip into water, 1 at a time, as close as possible to surface. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes or to desired degree of doneness. Remove with a slotted spoon. Trim edges if desired.

Cook batter in a preheated, lightly greased waffle iron until golden.

Prepare the hollandaise sauce according to package directions, adding lemon juice and tarragon.

Stack 2 waffles, and top with 2 prosciutto slices, 1 poached egg, and desired amount of hollandaise sauce.

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Goes With Milk & Orange Juice

7/12/2016

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I think that's gross. I know people do it, but there's no excuse for substiuting orange juice for milk in your breakfast cereal. Orange juice belongs on the side of a nice plate of bacon, maybe some scrambed, a slice of toast, NOT mixed in with your Cheerios. What kind of savage decided that was a good idea.

There's nothing better then cereal in the morning, except for a crisp $100 bill. Cereal is such a trademark of early school mornings where the parents don't have the time to pop down a toaster strudel in the toaster. Cereal is for the lazy at heart.

Forewarning now, this Tasty Tuesday does not attempt to teach you how to make your own cereal, but instead incorporate cereal into your daily life. And, yes this basic bitch included a recipe for rice krispy treats.

Recently, I read about Baby Boomers judging us, the youngins, for not eating cereal for breakfast. We're essentially pisssing on American culture, by going to Starbucks and getting that delicious outmeal with all the dried fruit and brown sugar in the morning. Like, I'm sorry Susie, but isn't it time to put in your catheter?

I can't handle these old people with judgmental crusty asses. Sit down. Get off my dick. I'm sorry Frank, but we don't like homophobia and racism. Honestly, don't they have better things to do, then pass a side eye at us for not eating cereal.

I've always been on and off with cereal. I tend to skip breakfast. I'm not hungry. It's not my scene, but there are times when a good bowl of Life cereal hits the spot. Especially if you put some blueberries in it. Maybe chop up some bananas. It makes me feel healthy.

I have a very boring taste in cereal. It's all very simple, I have dentures kind of food. I love me some Grape Nuts, like the grandma I am. Clearly I'm down with the Life. And, I have been known to enjoy some Corn Flakes in my spare time.

Now, I'm not sure why I never got into all those artificially flavor, hyped up with sugar cereals, my parents always kept me in the cart, there weren't having any of that.

Frosted Corn Flakes are pretty good. I feel my arteries dying, but I'll munch on that any day. Fruity Pebbles have always been too much for me. Their so small. It takes me ten years to get it all out. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I don't have time for this bullshit in the morning. It's the same with Rice Krispies. Snap, crackle, pop, out of my life.

If I'm going for sweet cereal I do like my Lucky Charms. I feel a draw to them. My father's ancestry runs Irish and I feel connected to my people that way.

Also a fun fact about cereal is that the first cereal was created by a vegetarian (not a vegan thank god). It happened in 1863 by a man named James Caleb Jackson. Apparently her ran a sanitorium. Isn't that just a great hearty fact to convince you that cereal is made for you.

#NeverTrump

RECIPES:
Banana Bran Muffins
1 cup of Flour
¾ teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
2 tablespoons of Shortening
¼ cup of Sugar
1 Egg
2 tablespoons of Milk
2 cups of Bananas
3 ½ ounces of Pineapple Tidbits
1 cup of Bran

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Sift the flour, baking soda, and salt together, then set aside.

Cream the shortening and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg, milk, banana, and pineapple tidbits, stirring to combine. Stir in the bran, letting it stand until it softens.

Add the flour mixture, stirring until all of the flour is moistened. Spoon the mixture into greased muffin pans and bake for 35 minutes.

Corn Flake Crusted Chicken
4 Chicken Breasts
3 cups of Corn Flakes
2 tablespoons of Butter
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Water
Salt
Pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Combine, salt and pepper. Covering the chicken breasts on front and back Mix egg and water in a bowl. Crush cornflakes and mix in butter. Dip chicken breasts into egg and water mixture and roll in the cornflake crust to coat. Bake for 30 minutes or until done.

Rice Krispy Treats
¼ cup of Butter
4 cups of Marshmallows
5 cups of Rice Krispies

Melt butter in large sauce pan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted and well blended. Cook 2 minutes longer, stirring constantly. Remove from heat.

Add cereal. Stir until well coated.

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Coffee is the Drug

5/31/2016

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There are people who say that “coffee isn't for them” and that they “don't like the way it tastes.” To them I say, “good for you whore.”

Coffee is truly one of the only things that matters in this life in my own humble homosexual opinion. Coffee is the one thing that God did right on this earth. Without coffee would we have the pyramids? The great wall of China? Mariah Carey's vocal range? I don't think so.

Some say that “coffee is a required taste” and my grandfather drinks it black because he's a “real man”. My grandfather has a lot of gendered thinking problems. Also, whenever he sees Obama he says, “get off my god damn plane you terrorist” and I truly don't know where to begin with that. But, that's beside the point, even this awful man who worked in a GM assembly line for most of his life likes coffee.

I can thank my GPA of 3.42 to coffee, the natural way to get a caffeine high? Sleepless nights, and mornings are all thanks to the wonder of coffee.

There are so many ways to drink coffee. You can make instant. Buy some Dunkin Donuts blend. Grind up your own beans you bought at the farmer's market. You can make coffee through a cold drip, which only takes a few hours. And who doesn't have that kind of time? My point is that coffee is a versatile wonder of the natural world.

My mother and I have taken to trying all of our local coffee shops together. It's a fun way to explore our city and I'm also not of legal drinking age.

We're just looking for our Central Perk in the sea of Starbucks that are overtaking the world. Not that there's anything wrong with a Starbucks. Cher Horowitz name checked them in Clueless, there's an entire scene dedicated to why people like Starbucks in You've Got Mail, and they make a delicious green tea frappuccino.

The long and short is that Starbucks is my shit. Once I drove a 100 miles through the heartland of America without seeing a single Starbucks. I now know what hell is like.

One coffee shop my mother and I went to had all these men decked out in top hats and long beards. It was practically an Abraham Lincoln revival. The coffee was great and then they got shut down.

The twins and I always go to the same place to get coffee every Wednesday. It's cute, fun, has an interesting menu. We play trivia. We always lose, but that's beside the point because it's always about the company your keeping.

A few of the coffee shops have not been one 100. I got a London Fog at one. It sounds exciting, intriguing. It was not. And, the Brioche cinnamon bun we got was store bought. If the barista hadn't had some cute neck tattoos the day would have been a total waste.

And, the best part of coffee is not only can you drink it, but it can also be mixed into your normal every day cooking. Hopefully, these recipes capture that magic.

RECIPES:
Cinnamon Laced Coffee Cake
½ cup of chopped Pecans
2 cups and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Cinnamon
1 cup of Butter
2 Eggs
2 cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
1 teaspoon of Vanilla
8 ounces of Sour Cream

Preheat oven to 350 degreees.

Lightly grease and flour a 10 x 4 inch tube pan.

Combine pecans, 2 tablespoons of sugar, and cinnamon.

Cream butter in a large mixer bowl. Add remaining 2 cups of sugar and beat at medium speed until well blended. Beat in eggs one at a time.

Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Add gradually to butter mixture, mixing well until blended. Stir in vanilla. Fold in sour cream.

Transfer half of batter to pan and spread evenly. Sprinkle half of pecan mixture over batter. Transfer remaining batter to pan and top with remaining pecan mixture. Bake for 55 to 65 minutes or until a tester inserted in center comes out clean. Col in pan. Invert onto a cake plate to serve.

Caramel Frappuccino
½ cup of Coffee
3 tablespoons of Sugar
½ cup of Milk
2 cups of Ice
3 tablespoons of Caramel Syrup

Pour the coffee, sugar, milk, caramel syrup, and ice into the blender. Blend until the ice looks slushy. Take your cup and pour caramel syrup around the inside and then pour the blended mixture into your cup.

Top with whip cream to give it that ™ Starbucks feel.

Coffee Lovers
¾ cup of Sugar
1 ½ cups of Milk
1 ½ cups of cold Coffee
1 teaspoon of Vanilla
2 cups of Whipped Cream

Combine sugar and milk in a large saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil and stir until sugar is dissolved. Remove from heat. Allow to cool.

Add coffee, vanilla, and 1 cup of the whipping cream to milk mixture, stirring until well blended. Pour mixture into a loaf pan. Freeze until slushy. 1 to 2 hours.

Just before serving, beat remaining cup of whipping cream until stiff peaks begin to form. Stir slush mixture, spoon it into dessert dishes, and top with a dollop of whipped cream.

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Holiday Cooking With...

5/3/2016

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As usual your favorite blogger was struggling to determine a Tasty Tuesday topic.

Then, as it often does, it hit me like a wrecking ball, known as Andrew Lowe. I believe he was swinging from a crane at the moment it happened.

I love Andrew Lowe and I've been trying to find a time to work him into my blog and I never found the perfect moment, until now. He's one of my favorite youtubers. I would say he's the best and I would say I'm “obsessed” but those are stalker words.

Now, your asking me how does Andrew Lowe work into a Tasty Tuesday? It's simple my beloved eight readers. He has this wonderful series called “Holiday Cooking With Andrew”. Which, has seasons. It's legit. It's basically like watching the Food Network, but with better recipes. He's just always so well put together and most of these videos rarely take place over the holidays.

I first discovered Andrew Lowe from one of my coworkers. I love her. I can say I'm obsessed with her, because she's so cute and tiny. She's my potato. She told me about him and she said that I would love his humor. That I would get him.

And, she was right. My little potato truly understands me.

Andrew Lowe is great. It's like Troye Sivan who? Tyler Oakley who? That guy with the really pretty blue eyes who? He's the best. All he needs is a singing career to complete it all.

His humor is very me. It's all self deprecating and wonderful. It does make me low key worried about him sometimes, but it's okay. We're millenial's none of us are really doing that great right. It's kind of our thing.

Fun fact about Andrew is that he has lesbian moms. I want two moms. I want two cute lesbian moms who love me unconditionally. And, because of this I always imagine his father as Ross Gellar, even when his father was in a video, I was still expecting David Schwimmer.

I'm also low key in love with Andrew. We're the same age, which I personally think is really exciting. I love it when people the same age as me have done more with their life then I ever will. Not that I care that Lorde had a number one hit and a platinum selling album before she was eighteen. It doesn't bother me at all.

I put my confession of my celebrity youtube crush on him on social media, tumblr to be specific, and it went viral. I didn't event tag it and it got 15 notes. And, I was like who knows I might end up like Dan and Phil.

http://bubblerighted.tumblr.com/post/114986329742/i-kind-of-have-a-crush-on-andrew-lowe-tbh

Below are some fantastic recipes. I've also included some of Andrew's videos. I could try to recreate some of Andrew's recipes, but it wouldn't be quite the same. You just have to experience live through your flip phone or wireless tablet.

RECIPES:
Chicken Quesadillas
1 pound of shredded Chicken
2 tablespoons of Canola Oil
1 Onion
1 Red Bell Pepper
4 cloves of Garlic
1 teaspoon of Cumin
¼ fresh Cilantro
Flour Tortillas
2 cups of Colby Jack
Guacamole
1 cup of Sour Cream
Pico de Gallo

Saute the onion, red bell pepper, and garlic in the canola oil until softened. Add the cumin and chicken, mixing well. Set aside.

Spoon the chicken mixture into half of the flour tortilla, sprinkle with cheese and cilantro, then using a griddle, lightly brown the tortilla on both sides.

Serve with guacamole, sour cream, and pico de gallo.

Mac & Cheese
12 ounces of cooked Egg Noodles
1 ½ cup of Milk
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 teaspoons of Flour
½ teaspoons of Salt
¼ teaspoons of Pepper
2 cups of grated Fontina Cheese
¾ cups of Parmesan Cheese
¾ cups of Mozzarella Cheeese
2 tablespoons of fresh Parsley

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.

Whisk the milk, heavy cream, flour, salt, and pepper, blending well. Stir in 1 cup of the fontina cheese, ½ cup of the Parmesan cheese, ½ cup of the mozzarella cheese, and parsley. Add the noodles, tossing to coat them well. Pour the mixture into a buttered baking dish.

Combine the 1 cup of fontina cheese, ¼ cup of Parmesan cheese, and ¼ cup of mozzarella cheese, then sprinkle them over the noodles. Bake for 15 minutes or until the sauce bubbles and the cheese melts, and begins to brown.

Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.

Broccoli Salad
1 bunch of Broccoli
1 cups of Mozzarella Cheese
½ cup of Red Onion
8 slices of Bacon
¼ cup of Sugar
1 tablespoon of Red Wine Vinegar
½ cup of Mayonnaise

Combine the broccoli, mozzarella cheese, red onion, and bacon mixing well. Set aside.

Heat the sugar and red wine vinegar to a simmer, allowing the sugar to melt. Let cool for 5 minutes.

Combine the mayonnaise and red wine vinegar mixture, whisking until is smooth. Pour it into the broccoli salad, stirring to coat well. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

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Rocky Road

4/19/2016

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Road trips are wonderful.

As long as you have the right company, the right music, and the right snacks. If the conversation runs out at least you have some trail mix to snack on. Maybe you roll down the windows and take in the sun, so you can get melanoma.

I recently took a road trip. To a grand city in the state of Illinois. I was visiting the grandfather and the great Aunt. All over Easter break. There were pastels and little children. Painted bird eggs and a sunscreened Uncle.

The road trip involved an intense multi-hour car ride. We spent the first hour listening to country radio, because we hate ourselves.

The mother and I talked about everything. Politics. Religion. How the gays are ruining America. It was a wonderful bonding time. The air conditioning gave out, which was wonderful. We didn't even have an iced mocha cappuccino to make up for it.

The truth is we drove over a 100 miles without seeing a Starbucks. It was hell.

However, we did make up for it in the snack department. We didn't make anything. Although, I had considered throwing together some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. I didn't do it. I'm a lazy person had Friends episodes to rewatch.

My mother does not allow eating in her car. It's a used/new car to the family that my mother sprung on the family last year. It was wonderful I came home to see this tan luxury item in my driveway, blocking my parking spot. Not that I minded.

We had the goods in the car.

Doritos, some caramel flavored Werther's popcorn. Bottles of water to off set the calories. It was great. I always believe that if you don't have an orange colored food on a road trip that you haven't truly taken a road trip. You can take cheetos, carrots if your a vegan, or starbursts if you want to pick through them all.

As a family we usually stock up. We make our own trail mix. Homemade snacks. We've gotten lazy with time. There used to be M&M and raisin filled trail mix. I remember when we went camping on this mountain. It was horrible. There were tents. Bugs. I did not enjoy it.

This time we splurged and stopped to get lunch. We did a little shopping. Not that we could afford any of it, but that's okay because we're on vacation.

It was a rocky, but wonderful and beautiful road. It was like the icecream. That Rascall Flatt's song and it just goes to prove that if you buy and bring the right food any trip can be fun. Below are some recipes to get you in the trip of your lifetime feelings.

RECIPES:
Pecan Almond Praline
2 cups of Brown Sugar
¾ cup of Heavy Cream
1 tablespoon of Butter
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Pecans
1 cup of Almonds
3 quarts of popped Popcorn

Combine the pecans, almonds, and popcorn .Set aside.

Combine the heavy cream, brown sugar, butter, and salt, cooking until the mixture reaches 240 degrees on a candy thermometer, about 20 minutes. Cool for 5 minutes, then stir the mixture until it coats a spoon.

Pour the syrup over the popcorn, stirring to coat popcorn evenly. Allow the popcorn to cool then break it into small pieces.

Spice Cookies
2 ½ cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
¼ teaspoon of Ginger
½ teaspoon of Allspice
½ teaspoon of Cinnamon
½ teaspoon of Cloves
¾ cup of Butter
1 Sugar
1 Egg
¼ cup of Molasses
¼ cup of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Combine, the flour, baking soda, ginger, allspice, cinnamon, and cloves. Set aside.

Cream the butter and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and molasses, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended. Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll into balls.

Roll the dough into 1 inch balls, then roll them in powdered sugar, and place them on a greased baking sheet. Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in sugar. Bake for 8-10 minutes or until they are light brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack and dust them with powdered sugar.

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Cuba is So Far Away

4/5/2016

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Bette Midler has a great song entitled “Only In Miami”. The story goes that only in Miami is Cuba so far away. Or as Sarah Palin once said, “I can see Cuba from my hotel.”

Diplomatic ties with the tiny island nation have been thawing recently and you can now fly there directly from JFK without fear of entrapment of the US government and the conservatives say that Obama hasn't done anything for this country.

Cuba is the melting pot of the Caribbean.

It was “discovered” by Christopher Columbus. The one and only original father of genocide. He sailed there in 1492 and was convinced that he found India. And I found recently that much like Italy is the boot, Cuba is the crocodile. Do I see it? No. But, it has the nickname of El Cocodrilo, which I personally find very sexy.

Way back when in 1959, Fidel Castro and Che Guevara overthrew the corrupt Cuban government, only to establish a more corrupt communist regime.

Is Fidel dead? Will we ever know? Probably not. I personally hope he lives on as the immortal godfather of Cuba. His brother Raul is keep the family dictatorship in the family and has taken over as the figurehead for his brother.

Our trade embargo has affected the tiny little country for 55 years, with nothing but the cold strong armed Soviet Union to assist them in international trade. My favorite story has always been of President Kennedy stocking up on Cuban cigars before enforcing the trade embargo. I love capitalism.

Cuban cuisine has been a recent topic of discussion. Will Cuba become the next hot spot tourist destination?

Cuba is a true communist country. The cuisine was known to be as good as their cars. Ingredients range from delicious canned and processed to my personal favorite of powdered. At the least athletes were happy.

They have a mixture of influences, which makes for an interesting cuisine. The island has it's indigenous tribes. The mother oppressor of Spain as inspiration. And, an eclectic array of Greece and France to liven up their sources of things to draw on.

Gastronomy in Cuba is for the eclectic in variety. I read in an article in Vogue of 'teti'. Tiny fish that are a centimeter long and as the author describes have “the richness of tiny eels”. Delicious.

If any of this interests you'll have to make a trip to Havana. Just like Jay-Z and Beyonce did. You can meet the people. Learn new culture. Maybe even learn a new language if you stay long enough..

If your a flight risk or would rather not leave the country and end up in a foreign prison for drunk and disorderly conduct. You can always visit Little Havana. A nice tourist destination in Miami. They even have their own gangs.

RECIPES:
Ajiaco Cubano
10 quarts of Water
1 pound of Beef Jerky
2 pounds of Flank Steak
2 pounds of Pork
4 ear of Corn
2 pounds of Malanga
4 Green Plantains
2 pounds of Yuca
2 pounds of Cuban Boniato
2 pounds of Pumpkin
1 pound of Name
1 pound of Guagui
4 Plantains
4 Limes
Salt
Pepper

Full recipe here

Cuban Sandwich
4 slices of Ham
4 slices Roast Pork
3 slices of Swiss cheese
4 Pickles
Yellow Mustard
Cuban Bread

Full recipe here

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A Pescatarian Diet

3/22/2016

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There's so many great things that come with being pescatarian. You get to eat as many goldfish as you want.

Pescatarianism is a step below the more extreme vegetarianism. You get to chew out all of gods scuttling little fish creatures. The cute ones who get their heads chopped off by the chef in The Little Mermaid.

I said to myself that I could be a pescatarian. I was sitting on my bed. Staring up at the ceiling. Already through my second bag of pretzel shaped goldfish and I said this is what I want in my life to be a pescatarian. I'm already basically a vegetarian, but I refuse to give up my goldfish. I'm not in hell yet and I will enjoy my earthly pleasures until I join Satan.

It's not that I try not to eat meat. It's just what happens in my life. I could never be vegan. Cheese is part of my life. Pizza is the answer.

Also eggs. How do you avoid eggs. That's just something I could not avoid. I'm going to eat that wedding cake. I'm in the bridal party to meet eligible groomsmen and when that falls through I have to console myself some how. As great as veganism sounds. Fuck all of that.

Another great thing about being pescatarian is that you get to eat Swedish fish. Their sexy. Their colorful and they taste like edible cardboard. I love it.

The only bad thing about pescatarians is the lack of chicken. Sure you have the chicken of the sea. Tuna. But, who really likes tuna? In the sweetest way possible, tuna is kind of shit. It's the shit of the sea. Shout out to that person in marketing who came up with that slogan, but it's full of fallacies and deceit. It's also blasphemous to the chicken. It didn't deserve that.

You also can't eat a burger. The only meat I really indulge in. Steak is not for me. I used to be able to eat it, but now I'm like. How was I so blood thirsty? How was I so carnivorous and testosterone charged that I thought this was a good idea?

Now the only decide to becoming a pescatarian with me is all of that genetically modified salmon that the FDA legalized. Like I'm fine with the FDA doing it's thing, but they don't have to differentiate on the package what kind of salmon it is. Now I'm sure it's going to turn out fine.

However, I'm going to let everyone else get mercury poison and enlarged prostates, while I'm on the sidelines eating halibut having a good time with my normally sized prostate.

I'm pescatarian with the caveat of no salmon and the emphasis on goldfish and the purest representation of the Swedish people, Swedish fish.

Below are all my beautiful fish recipes that I've wanted to share with you. If you were looking for a recipe on how to make goldfish or Swedish fish, you need to go to a store. I don't understand why your being so difficult. Go to Walmart. Save money. Save time. And buy a family sized box of goldfish. There is no reason to be this difficult.

RECIPES:
Maple Glazed Salmon
4 Salmon Steaks
1 tablespoon of Maple Syrup
1 tablespoon of Teriyaki Sauce
1 tablespoon of Pineapple Juice
1 teaspoon of minced Ginger Root
1 clove of minced Garlic

Combine the maple syrup, teriyaki sauce, pineapple juice, ginger root, and garlic, mixing well. Marinate the salmon in the refrigerator for 1-24 hours.

Grill for 15 minutes. Do not turn.

Rum Salmon
6 Salmon Steaks
1 cup of Rum
1 cup of Brown Sugar
½ cup of Salt
1 tablespoon of Pepper

Pour the rum over the salmon steaks and let it marinate for 15 minutes at room temperature, drain and pat dry with paper towels. Set aside.

Combine the brown sugar, salt, and pepper. Spread 1/3 in a casserole dish, place the salmon steaks on top, and the remaining brown sugar mixture over the salmon. Cover and marinate in the refrigerator for 4 hours.

Grill for 4-6 minutes per side.

Shrimp Tacos
2 pounds of uncooked Shrimp
3 cloves of minced Garlic
1/3 cup of Lime Juice
3 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
Corn Tortillas
1 teaspoon of Chili Powder
1 teaspoon of Cumin
½ teaspoon of Red Pepper

Combine the garlic, lime juice, lemon juice, chili powder, cumin, and red pepper. Marinate the shrimp for 10 minutes, turning once. Grill the shrimp.

In the meantime heat or fry your tortillas.

Serve with sour cream and salsa.

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<<Previous

American Idol... Returns?

The Perks of Being A Waffle

Goes With Milk & Orange Juice

Coffee is the Drug

Holiday Cooking With...

Rocky Road

Cuba is So Far Away

A Pescatarian Diet

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