Category: Of

Rita Ora Set To Host ANTM Reboot

8/16/2016

Rita Ora has officially been announced as the new host of America's Next Top Model. The show was picked up by VH1. There's no official start date for the reality show, but this isn't Rita Ora's first time as a judge. She's hosted on both The Voice and The X-Factor in the United Kingdom.

Fashion fans shouldn't be in total fear. Tyra Banks promises that she'll be dropping in throughout the cycle. Rita Ora may be out of her professional depth critiquing models on their runway look but Tyra is sure to bolster the panel with seasoned professionals that will help Ora make the right call. All she needs to do is keep her face powdered and her comments bitchy but relateable.

Rita Ora is still working on her second album after problems with Jay Z's record label Roc Nation and has yet to break through commercially in the United States, except for her guest spot on Iggy Azalea's “Black Widow”. We'll see if her lead role on ANTM will be her pop culture breakthrough. It certainly wasn't her spin in 50 Shades of Grey or ripping Zac Efron's shirt off on national television. We'll be watching.

It should be noted that Rita's American breakthrough was stilted after former boyfriend Calvin Harris refused to let her perform “I Will Never Let You Down” on national televison. A song he wrote and produced for the singer. Petty.

Buy "I Will Never Let You Down"

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Day of Yonce

8/9/2016

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“What rock have you been living under?”

That was the only thing that came to mind when I informed Boomer of my day of Yoncé. He said to me “Who's Yoncé?”

“The Queen.”

I caught him up on everything Beyoncé. Things that he should have known about. Her unexpected album drop, the music videos, the Superbowl performance of Formation. For good measure, I threw in the birth of Blue Ivy.

That's when he looks at me like I'm an idiot. He says to me, “Of course I know about that.” Was I just supposed to assume that. He didn't even know that Beyoncé had made the world stop on December 13 in 2013. If she'd paused our rotation any longer, we all would have died. That's how cataclysmic this album release was, and yet he knew who Blue Ivy was? That's a shade, shady.

It dawned on me that he probably didn't even understand the invitations. They were printed on a black lacquer paper, and in a soft pastel pink was inscribed Yoncé. On the back date, time, information was all spaced like song titles with the symbol for Parkwood Entertainment under all of it. He didn't know I'd just made my invitations resemble Beyoncé's album.

This day was a momentous day of celebration for me. It was going to be a day of style and sophistication all in honor of Queen Bey.

My basic plan was that of a dignified tea party without the tea (We must remember the invitees are college students who can only handle Starbucks coffee). Mind, you I had sweet tea, but the big drink of choice was the Pink

Kiwi Lemonade I made. It was lovingly brewed by me the day before and it was perfect.

I also made an assorted array of baked goods: German Chocolate Cake, Rose Water Meringues, Strawberry Cream Cheese Tea Sandwiches, and Dark Chocolate Brownies. I learned my lesson from my Christmas gathering I had last year. You might make real good food, but if it's not American sounding people are not going to drift to it. They ate all of my boxed brownies, but barely touched my sables (A type of French butter cookie).

I was appalled by their lack of taste, but I said that's okay. That means there's more for me.

However, since it was Queen Beyoncé's day of celebration, I couldn't very well make boxed brownies for her. Instead, I melted down some chocolate, cut up some tea leaves and let those honey's have it. The brownies were a smash in the likes of "Single Ladies" or "Beautiful Liar". And, rightfully so, unlike last time. My day of Yoncé started at 2:00, but I knew these bitches wouldn't be on time, so I planned the viewing of the Beyoncé videos at 3:00. In the meantime I hit random on the five disc CD player, so everyone could experience Beyoncé from “Crazy in Love” to “Drunk in Love”. The only time I had to constrain myself is when “Partition” came on, because that's my twerk song. And, let me just let you all know my twerking abilities are not even on par with Miley Cyrus. Me twerking is much more federal offense level, than sexually provocative.

The actual viewing of Beyoncé and Lemonade went well. The Asians got very uncomfortable during the videos for “Blow” and “Partition”. There was a lot of looking down, side to side, where's the bathroom? But, I just had to tell them. This is Beyoncé's body. Embrace it, enjoy it, fear it. It's Beyoncé.

Really the only time I had to set the rules down was when it was over and my guests started comparing the videos, saying which ones were there favorites. I said (and I quote) “Now, look here you bitches. Everything Beyoncé does is perfect. Every video is upper stratosphere. There will be no comparing, because they are all on the same level. Discussion. Over.”

Recipes:
Pink Kiwi Lemonade
8 cups of water
2 cups of lemon juice
1 cup of cranberry juice
2 cups of sugar
Ice
2 kiwis (Peeled and cut into slices)

Mix together the water, lemon juice, cranberry juice, and sugar in a large container. Stir thoroughly until all the sugar is dissolved. Put all kiwi slices in container and serve when chilled.

Rose Water Meringues
Meringues:
3 Egg Whites
¾ Cup of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 250 Degrees

With an electric mixer, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form. Beat in the sugar gradually until stiff peaks form and mixture looks glossy.

Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Pipe or spoon the mixture onto the cookie sheets and bake for 1 hour. The meringues should be slightly tanned on the bottom when there done. Cool them on wire racks.

Topping:
2/3 Cup of Cream
1 Pint of Fresh Strawberries (Hulled)
2 Teaspoons of Powdered Sugar
2 Teaspoons of Rose Water*

With an electric mixer whip the cream until stiff peaks form. In a food processor, puree the strawberries, the powdered sugar, and rose water. Then mix it together with the whipped cream.

When the meringues are cool enough put the topping on spoon the mixture on top of the meringues.

*Rose Water is a type of extract you can find at a place like Whole Foods. If you don't know of a place where you can buy it or do not want to spend the money on it, you can substitute it with an type of extract you see fit (Vanilla, Almond, Cherry, etc.)

Strawberry Cream Cheese Sandwiches
1 loaf of white bread
1 small package of Strawberry Cream Cheese (Philadelphia Cream Cheese works well)

Cut, the crusts off of all bread (Discard the ends). Then cut them in half diagonally (You should have traingles when you cut them). When all the bread has been cut assembled by putting strawberry cream cheese in the middle.

Black Tea Brownies
2 sticks of butter
8 ounces of bittersweet chocolate (Chopped)
1 ¼ cup of flour
1 teaspoon of baking powder
½ teaspoon of salt
2 cups of sugar
4 large eggs
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
¼ cup of tea leaves (Any kind will do, but they should be finely chopped)

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees

Line a nine inch baking pan with parchment paper, but still greasing the sides with cooking spray.

Melt the butter and chocolate in a medium heat proof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water, or in the microwave stirring occasionally, until smooth. If you are doing this on a stove, a double boiler is required. But, one way to fashion a homemade one is to get one of your smaller pots out, and then to find a small metal bowl that does NOT touch the bottom of the pan. You fill the pot up with water and when you put the metal bowl in, it should not touch the water. Then, you proceed as normal while cooking.

In a small bowl put flour, baking powder, and salt together.

Whisk sugar, eggs, and the vanilla extract in a bowl, then pour in the chocolate mixture, whisking until combined. Then, mix in the flour mixture and tea leaves.

Pour it into the baking pan and bake for 35 to 40 minutes. It should have started to pull away from the pan and the top might be shiny.

Cool the brownies and then invert them onto a cutting board where you will remove the parchment paper and cut the brownies into squares.

German Chocolate Cake
Cake:
½ cup of cocoa powder
1 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of baking soda
½ teaspoon of baking powder
¼ teaspoon of salt
1 ¼ of boiling water
4 ounces of chopped chocolate (Sweetened or unsweetened the kind of chocolate is up to you)
1 teaspoon of instant coffee
10 tablespoon of softened butter
1 ½ cups of packed brown sugar
3 eggs
½ cup of sour cream
1 teaspoon of vanilla

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Grease two 9 inch round cake pans and the line the bottoms with parchment paper. Make sure to grease the sides well.

Put the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt together.

In another bowl whisk the boiling water, chocolate, ½ cup of cocoa powder, and instant coffee together until smooth.

In a mixer beat the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy (About 3-6 minutes). Beats in eggs one at a time. Then beat in sour cream and vanilla.

Reduce speed and beat in a third of the flour mixture, then a half of the chocolate mixture. Alternating until it has all been mixed in.

Pour the batter evenly between the two pans, then bake for 15 to 20 minutes. Make sure a toothpick comes out clean.

Let the cakes cool for 10 minutes before running a knife around the edge of the cakes and flipping them onto the wire racks.

Let cakes cool for two hours before frosting.

Frosting:
3 egg yolks
1 cup of evaporated milk
1 cup of sugar
4 tablespoons of butter
A pinch of salt

1 ½ cups of shredded coconut

¾ cups of choppped pecans (Toasted is preferred)

Cook the egg yolks, evaporated milk, sugar, butter, and salt together in a saucepan over medium high heat, whisking constantly, until mixture is boiling. This should take 6 minutes.

Transfer the mixture into another bowl and mix in coconut. Let the mixture cool slightly and then cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours. Stir in the pecans just before you assemble the cake.

Put the first cake on the cake plate and spread half of the mixture over the cake. Then place the second cake on top of the first one and pour the rest of the mixture on top of that. You do not use any of the filling on the side. That is what makes this cake easy to decorate.

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The Perks of Being A Waffle

7/26/2016

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My mother threw away our waffle iron. She said that no one in our family liked waffles. I told her no one is this family likes to cook. She threw it away anyway.

Recently my family made the decision to get another waffle iron. Do I know why? Hell no. But, it's not my money and it's nice to know that I now have the option to not make waffles when I want to. Now I can just bitch about being unwilling to make waffles.

Waffles are the brutally shaped version of the pancake. The pancake is slim and circular, sometimes shaped. It must be torture being molded and shaped into the perfect waffle. Just like the American education system or the children of evangelical pastors. In other news I wonder why we don't hear more about waffle rebellion.

You know what I love about waffles is that they are ridgy and sexy as hell. You can put that syrup in their. That butter. Maybe some strawberries if your feeling especially wild. Whip cream if your metabolism can handle the calories.

Pancakes are just not as good as waffles. You can do so much more with waffles. Sure pancakes are slim, but we need to stop shape shaming waffles. They are beautiful just the way they are.

There is not a day I go on twitter without seeing Waffle House trending. I don't know what's happening at Waffle House's across the United States, but something interesting. Cousins are fucking each other. Someone's getting chocolate chips in their waffles. Others are upset about getting court documents served while they have a fork in their Belgian waffles. Real problems happen there.

Waffle Houses are the center of all drama and all prostitutes in America. Country singer, Brandy Clark recently sang, “we don't have have Waffle House, but we always have something to talk about.” Bitch what are you talking about.

Waffles are also the most important part of a college campus. People take ten year to get the batter out and put it in the waffle maker. Then they burn it and make another one and you just want to yell at them to make some toast and grab the grape jelly and go, but you don't because your a good conservative Christian.

I'm writing this and I still don't know what the fuck a Belgian waffle is. And, if you think I'm googling you are underestimating how good my wifi is.

I do particularly enjoy a good chicken and waffles. It's the kind of thing that doesn't sound good. You see the syrup and the powdered sugar and you think to yourself, “what kind of New Orleans bullshit is this” and then you bite in and your like “damn New Orleans knows what the fuck is up.”

This is just a PSA from your friendly neighborhood blogger to love the waffle like it is your child. Although most of us have pancakes (sometimes known as flapjack), you should not discriminate against the waffle just because it's look different from other breakfast foods. Waffles have feelings too.

RECIPES:
Wheat Bran Waffles
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ cup of Wheat Bran
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
4 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Buttermilk
¼ cup of Honey

Prepare and heat waffle iron.

Whisk together the flour, wheat bran, salt, and baking soda in bowl. In a seperate bowl whisk together egg yolks, butter, honey, and buttermilk. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until still peaks form. Make a well in the center of dry ingredients, pour the buttermilk mixture into well, and whisk gently until the mixture is just incorporated. Fold the whipped egg whites into the batter.

Spread the appropriate amount of batter onto the waffle iron and cook until golden brown.

Waffles Benedict
2 cups of All Purpose Baking Mix
1 1/3 cup of Buttermilk
½ cup of Parmesan Cheese
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
5 Large Eggs
½ teaspoon of White Vinegar
0.9 ounce envelope of Hollondaise Sauce Mix
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
¼ teaspoon of Dried Tarragon
8 slices of Prosciutto

Stir together baking mix, next 3 ingredients, and 1 egg into a bowl until well blended. Let stand for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, add water to a depth of 3 inches in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and maintain a light simmer. Add vinegar. Break remaining 4 eggs, and slip into water, 1 at a time, as close as possible to surface. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes or to desired degree of doneness. Remove with a slotted spoon. Trim edges if desired.

Cook batter in a preheated, lightly greased waffle iron until golden.

Prepare the hollandaise sauce according to package directions, adding lemon juice and tarragon.

Stack 2 waffles, and top with 2 prosciutto slices, 1 poached egg, and desired amount of hollandaise sauce.

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From Dinner... With Love

2/9/2016

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Valentine's Day is this Sunday. Or at least that's what I've been told.

Valentine's is a great holiday. It's spawned many wonderful movies. I think the movie Valentine's Day was very inspired by it. Also, the Valentine's Day Massacre. It's just a great day of love and having money spent on you. It's the first major holiday after the drunken, stumbling mess that is New Year's Eve.

I personally love Valentine's Day. I always celebrate. I wrote about it last year for this Tasty Tuesday. You can read that here. I bake a cake. I watch a romantic comedy. Alone. It's not as tragic as it sounds. This year I'm going into work. Yeah!!!

So, there I was in my MIS class, not listening to my professor, when I said to myself, what am I going to write about, basically what I always think when it comes to Tasty Tuesday's.

Then, it sort of stumbled upon me. What do people do on Valentine's Day? They usually go out to a nice dinner. Maybe see a play after that. There are flowers. Usually red roses. The man leaves a nice tip, unless we're stereotype breaking heterosexual couple or two nice lesbians. My favorite kind of couple personally.

Some of us cannot afford to go out. That's why I, your favorite blogger, am giving you a nice three course dinner to prepare for the night. It screams sex and love. Just don't get pregnant or an STD.

Recently, I've started spending a lot of time with couples. One of them broke up. It saves money in February, but the other two are intact. The gays are going to do something exciting I'm sure. I won't be there. I believe in third wheeling like all good single people, but I do draw the line once in a while. Occasionally I believe couples need “space” and to spend “alone time together”.

I've never dated over Valentine's Day, so I really don't know what the ritual is, but I'm not expecting them to fuck it up.

In the words of Erika Jayne, “I spend all of my time with gay men and strong women.”

That's why I'm surprised I spend as much as I do with this other couple. They're very heterosexual. I'm actually friends with the boyfriend in this relationship and I love that little shit (he's actually taller then me, but that's not the point) like a brother, but if anyone is going to fuck up Valentine's Day it's going to be him.

I'm wishing him the best of luck. I love their love. I ship them so hard it's ugly, but he's so straight it hurts and I'm watching this train wreck with my hand in front of my eyes.

I hope all of you spend this consumer holiday with the one's you love. Whether that be your dog or your cat. If not you can always hire an escort and prepare this dinner for them. Just make sure that the agency is reputable, because getting shanked on Valentine's Day is not the story you want your grand children hearing about you.

RECIPES:
Blarney Stones
4 Egg Yolks
1 cup of Sugar
3 tablespoons of Warm Water
1 cup of Flour
1/3 teaspoons of Baking Powder
4 Egg Whites

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Combine all of the ingrdients, mixing well. Pour the batter into a greased baking pan and bake for 25 minutes.

NOTE: Nothing screams romance like a bread product called “blarney stones”

Tournedos and Bearnaise Sauce
¼ cup of Tarragon Vinegar
½ cup of Water
2 teaspoon of Tarragon
1 tablespoon of slice Green Onions
3 Egg Yolks
½ cup of Butter
6 Filets of Beef
2 tablespoons of Butter
½ teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Pepper

Bearnaise Sauce
Combine the tarragon, vinegar, water, and green onion. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat, simmer, uncovered, for 8-10 minutes or until the liquid is reduced to ¼ cup. Strain the mixture into the top of a double boiler.

With a wire whisk, beat in the egg yolks. Cook over hot, boiling water, beating constantly, until the mixture begins to thicken. Beat in the ½ cup of butter, 1 tablespoon of thyme, beating well after each addition. Keep warm. Add just enough cold water to the hot water in the bottom of the double boiler to make it lukewarm.

Filets
Brush the filets with 2 tablespoons of butter and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Broil for 5 minutes, turn, and brush with remaining butter, salt, and pepper. Broil for another 5 minutes.

Serve with Bearnaise sauce poured over the top.

NOTE: Perfect for the carnivorous appetite of your lover.

Isn't this romantic?

Mexican Wedding Cake
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
20 ounces of crushed Pineapple (Do not drain)
2 Eggs
3 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1-2 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees

Combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, crushed pineapple, and eggs beating well. Pour the batter into a prepared cake pan, and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean

NOTE: Included in last year's Tasty Tuesday, this is the perfect closer for your meal, so your lover knows what your true intentions are with them.

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Tuna, Tuna, Tuna

12/29/2015

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Don't make anything with Tuna. Tuna is disgusting. This is an irrefutable fact. I stand against the institution of tuna. It is not the chicken of the sea. It is gross.

Imagine it. It's a quiet Thursday evening. I have nothing to do. I'm struggling to write a Tasty Tuesday. Nothing unusual about that. I'm thinking to myself, “maybe I'll write about cranberry sauce.” A seasonal favorite. Then, I get a call. The call I've been waiting for.

The twins ask me if I want to go see A Tuna Christmas. Sure, I have projects to do. Reading to catch up on. Blog work to do, but I say to myself. Live a little. Go see this play about tuna. More importantly write about this play with tuna. Like manna from heaven, God has sent this upon you, so you have something to write about.

A Tuna Christmas is the second in a four part installment of Tuna wonderfulness. The first is Greater Tuna. The third is the patriotic Red, White, and Tuna. And, the most important: Tuna Does Vegas.

The twins did theater in high school. I did it for a semester in high school and it made me want to die. But, to each one's own. And, their senior year, they put on a production of Greater Tuna. The comic classic. I would have gone to see it, but I was throwing up. Having a great time losing weight, but to this day they remember that I didn't go to see this play.

Admission is four cans of tuna. I hate tuna. I stole it all from my parent's cupboards. Forewarning to all my potential suitors, if you like tuna. We cannot date. And, if we do, you must give up tuna. It brings back all the worst repressed memories of my childhood. I don't appreciate it.

The play was glorious and funny. The set was simplistic, we got in by proffering tuna after all. The play is full of eccentric characters. After all, A Tuna Christmas is set in the fictional town of Tuna, Texas. The third smallest town in Texas.

It's two hours of spitfire lines and it made me regret not leaving the side of my toilet bowl to watch the high school production of Greater Tuna.

What makes it funny is that all twenty odd characters are played by two actors. It's very low budget. There's fast costume changes. Unhooked high heels. Motorized wheelchairs. UFO's and everyone's favorite chain smoking, gun shop owner, Dee Dee to keep everyone stocked up on grenades.

I loved it and despite the flaw of it's tuna related title. It was a masterpiece of the theater. Exactly what Shakespeare hoped theater would be like in 1989.

Now for your eating pleasure, I have done some research on the “tuna”. I put in “disgusting tuna recipes”. I don't believe there's such a thing as “delicious tuna recipes”, but below are some of the most beautiful recipes I've ever stumbled upon in my life.

Tuna yourself up. Swim upstream. Throw up in your blender and just add tuna.

RECIPES:
Ring-Around-the-Tuna
1 package of Jell-O Lime
1/4 teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Boiling Water
3/4 cup of Cold Water
2 tablespoons of Vinegar
2 teaspoons of Grated Onion
1/2 cup of Cucumber
1/2 cup of Celery
2 tablespoons of Pimiento
2 tablespoons of Olives
1 can of Tuna

How delicious.

Full recipe at Lakehouse Publishing

Trudy's Tuna Noodle Casserole
1 can of Mushroom Soup
1/2 pound of Noodles
1/2 can of French Fried Onion Rings
7 ounce can of Tuna
1 package of Peas
Cornflake Crumbs

This recipe makes me say "God is real"

Full recipe at Tastebook

The Virile Mary Tuna Shake
1 can of White Tuna
2 1/2 cups of V-8 Juice
1 teaspoon of Extra Virgin Oil
2 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
Habanero Pepper Sauce

The drink that everyone wants a second of.

Full recipe at Deep Squatter

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(Drank) Eggnog

12/22/2015

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Day 9 of the 12 Days of Bubbles is upon us!

Another Tasty Tuesday only one week after the last train wreck and without a party to plan or an old friend to reminisce on, I had to stumble upon a creative idea of my own. Which, is something that does not come easily to me. Cut and paste I can do, but to be original and creative without genius to base it off. It's difficult.

However, it was as I was stumbling through the grocery aisles of my suburban Costco that it came upon me. In it's plastic jugs I saw the flashing Christmas lights. Eggnog.

As a child, Eggnog was the quintessential Christmas drink. I drank so much of it I would have been an alcoholic if my family put whiskey in it. I have met quite a few people who do not appreciate eggnog, but there is nothing that lives up to it. Thick. Creamy. Seasonal.

It's more calories then liquid. In December you have two options. Eat with abandon and set yourself a New Year's Resolution you won't keep OR get so drunk off of spiked eggnog that you throw up.

Embrace your inner frat boy during the holiday season.

Upon doing some quick internet research I found that eggnog is a traditional drink in America and Canada, but that it originated in England. I don't know that were supposed to be surprised by that. Early aristocrats mixed it with brandy or sherry. Which, sounds far more posh then what we the dirty Americans do with it.

I also found out that there are recipes for eggnog without the egg. This does seem counter intuitive to me. As you will see from the recipes I've included, they all have eggs. Egg is literally half of eggnog. Without the egg it's just... nog.

Sure people have allergies. Sure there have been salmonella outbreaks in eggs, but the risk of potential food poisoning and death is just part of coming out to have a good time.

As the biggest fan there is of this drink. All the recipes included here have been made and procured by me. Be surprised and amazed. That is how much I love the eggnog. I will cut open a vanilla bean and heat a liquid mixture to a nice boil to froth myself up for the winter.

I also don't have to go out in public among the commoners if I can make it at home. There are perks to being industrious.

As of recent years, I have had to cutback on my intake. This blog is home of the “blonde, skinny, queen of the internet.” Sometimes, you've got to cut back to retain brand recognition.

If for some reason these drinks seem too complicated, store bought is fine.

RECIPES:
Chocolate Egg Nog
14 ounces of Sweetened Condensed Milk
3 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 tablespoons of Chocolate Syrup
¼ teaspoon of Almond Extract

Using a blender, combine all ingredients. Refrigerate for 1 hour before serving.

Egg Nog
2 cups of Milk
2 cups of Heavy Cream
1 cup of Sugar
1 Vanilla Bean
10 Egg Yolks
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoon of Cinnamon
¼ teaspoon of Nutmeg

Heat in milk, heavy cream, ½ cup of the sugar, vanilla bean seeds, and vanilla extract until the mixture is hot.

Meanwhile, beat the egg yolks with remaining ½ cup of sugar until it is frothy. While whisking, slowly pour in the milk mixture ½ cup at a time, beating well after each addition.

Pour the mixture back into the pan and heat, while whisking until it has thickened slightly. Remove it from the heat and add the cinnamon and nutmeg.

Egg Nog Shake
1 cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
3/8 cup of Egg Nog
1 dash of Nutmeg

Using a blender combine all ingredients and mix until blended well.

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The Christmas 15

12/15/2015

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Day 2 of the 12 Days of Bubbles continues.

Some people say that there's the freshman 15. I believe the holiday's hold their own vice. The Christmas 15. I personally blame Santa Claus for this.

What really are the holidays built for? Spending time with “family” and “friends”. Like no I went away for college so I didn't have to spend time with you fake ass bitches. So, here I am shoving cookies in my mouth gaining fifteen pounds and crying.

Last holiday cycle I got incredibly sick after exam week and spent most of my time on the couch or in bed with a box of tissues and a plate of cookies. Cardamon, sugar, chocolate chips. The works. These did not help me get better. I would have rather overdosed on Vitamin C.

Christmas cookies truly are part of the season. If you throw a holiday party and you don't have cookies, it's as if you haven't really celebrated.

Part of this should be shifted on Santa Claus. He breaks into our houses. Leaves a sweater that's two sizes two small for us and then expects us to BAKE HIM COOKIES. I don't think so Santa. I'm sure the reason he expects us to make him baked goods is because Mrs. Claus has him on a diet and he rebels every Christmas Eve.

Personally, I am offended by Santa Claus and his outrageous standards that he forces upon us. What about the poor children whose parents can't afford cookies. This is a classist system Santa Claus has put us under. He is discriminating against the impoverished children of the world.

I must let you know that last year when I hosted a Christmas party I did bake cookies. I even wrote a Tasty Tuesday on it. Clever as I am I entitled it “Rocking Near The Christmas Tree” (read here). It was a lot of effort. I hosted it the final day of exam week. I was running last years 12 Days of Bubbles that requires more time commitments then normal. It was a mess.

I won't be hosting another gathering of friends this year. It's a commitment of time and energy. I'll make an effort to see the twins. Boomer. The really important people in my life, but having people over is an emotionally draining experience that I am just not about.

There was even a What's Happening Wednesday post on my reflection on it. I posted it in January. That's how nonexistent my life is that I had to write about a past experience. You can read about that if you want to (read here). Of course I could have written about the funeral I went to.

All of this said mama is going to give you recipes on some bomb ass cookies. If you want to host the party of 2015. Let Bubbles be there for you. Let me help you succeed in this capitalist society.

The cookies presented on this list are all winners or they very least they sound good. I think I did a great job on this. Especially considering my propensity for Tasty Tuesday's.

Pro Tip: Go to other people's parties. Drink their alcohol. Eat their food.

RECIPES:
Festive Oatmeal Cookies
1 ½ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soada
½ teaspoon of Baking Powder
½ teaspoon of Salt
½ teaspoon of Cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon of Cloves
1 cup of Butter
1 cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
1 ½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Oat
½ cup of Golden Raisins
½ cup of White Chocolate Chips

Make sure to preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and cloves. Set aside.

Cream the butter and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the oats, raisins, and white chocolate chips. Drop by the teaspoonful onto a parchment lined baking sheet, baking for 13-15 minutes until golden brown.

Hershey's Kiss Cookies
1 cup of Butter
3 ounces of Cream Cheese
1 cup of Sugar
1 Egg Yolk
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extracct
2 ½ cup of Flour
½ package of Hershey Kisses

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Cream the butter, cream cheese, and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg yolk, and almond extract, beating until it is well blended.

Add the flour, mixing well. Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll into balls.

Roll the dough into 1 inch balls, then roll them in sugar, and place them on a greased baking sheet. Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in sugar. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack, immediately placing a Hershey kiss into each one.

Millionaire Shortbread
1 ½ cup of Butter
2 ¾ cup of Flour
½ cup of Sugar
14 ounces of Sweetened Condensed Milk
¼ cup of Light Corn Syrup
1 cup of Brown Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Using a food processor, pulse together 1 cup of the butter, flour, and sugar until it is crumbly. Press the mixture into a prepared baking pan and bake for 18 minutes or until is is lightly golden.

Meanwhile, combine the remaining ½ cup of butter, sweetened condensed milk, and light corn syrup, heating until the butter has melted. Turn the heat to low, add the brown sugar, and cook, stirring constantly until it begins to thicken. Pour the caramel evenly over the shortbread and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

Pecan Cookies
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Butter
1 cup of Brown Sugar
1 cup of Sugar
2 Eggs
1/3 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1/3 teaspoon of Butter Extract
1/3 teaspoon of Nut Extract
2 cups of Oat
1 ½ cup of Crispy Cereal
1 cup of chopped Pecans

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Combine the flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside.

Cream the butter, molasses, brown sugar, and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs, vanilla extract, butter extract, and nut extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the oats, crispy cereal, and pecans, mixing well. Shape the dough into rolls, and refrigerate for 2 hours. Slice the dough into ¼ inch slices, and place them on a lightly greased baking sheet. Bake for 12-14 minutes or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to wire racks to cool.

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Peanut Butter Jelly Time

12/1/2015

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It's 4:00 in the morning when I was asked, “Do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?”

This all started the night before. I was going bowling as one does. It was for charity and I was with the President and his boyfriend. I think I did a great job bowling personally. Everyone said that I “bowl angry.” They said that I “throw the bowl down the lane.” And as I said to them “Isn't the point to get the ball down the lane.”

It was amazing. First game I was in 4th place. Second game slipped into 5th. There were five of us bowling. I guttered it multiple. Honestly, the worst part of bowling is that they make you wear flats.

After this nightmare, he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and his boyfriend. I was like of course. I enjoy their company. I had nothing better to do with my life. And, unbeknownst to me at the time I'd lost my keys.

It was honestly such a great night. We watched Kill Bill. His friends came over. Did a few shots of tequila. I the innocent homosexual does not like tequila and enjoyed my refreshing glass of water. In the words of the boy who did six shots of tequila, “I'm not drunk man! You don't even know me.”

They played Super Mario Smash Brothers at some point. I played a game. As Peach. I did a terrible job, but with my inability to get into the action I ended up in second place. The thing I learned that night is that straight boys like to use the word “pussy” a lot. It was a lot for me to handle.

We also baked chocolate chip cookies. I ate the raw cookie dough of Toll House and I'm sure everyone was disappointed that I didn't die of salmonella poisoning. Maybe next time.

It was after everyone left. At 4:00 in the morning that I was asked if I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I said yes. I am allergic to peanut butter, but not in the way that if I come in contact with it I'm going to die.

It turned out that there was enough strawberry jam for two sandwiches and I ended up with two slices of bread and nutella. It made me feel like a Belgian school boy. That is how life is supposed to be. This is what college is about.

Six hours later. 10:00 am I start to think about life. What really is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich other then a comforting reminder of your childhood. A quick midnight snack. I felt inspired.

As a child I always had a peanut butter sandwich for elementary school. I wasn't progressive enough for jelly. The crusts were always cut off. I would have my capri sun. Maybe an apple sauce if I was feeling particularly feisty that day.

That's what inspired me to compile recipes that reflect what a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is. It's a feeling.

And, in exciting news. After realizing I lost my keys and getting home at 2:00 in the afternoon, my parents now think I fucked my dear friend. If only they knew how G rated my night was.

RECIPES:
Peanut Butter and Jelly Oatmeal
1/2 cup of Water
1/2 cup of Milk
Salt
1/3 cup of Oats
1 tablespoon of Sugar
2 tablespoons of Peanut Butter
1 tablespoon of Jelly

In a medium saucepan, bring the water and milk to a boil. Add the oats and salt.
Reduce heat and simmer for five minutes. Allow it to sit for 1 minute.

Stir in the sugar ,peanut butter and jelly.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Cocktail
2 ounces of Vodka
1 ounce of Strawberry Puree
1 ounce of Hazelnut Liqueur
1 ounce of Black Currant Liqueur
1 Whole Strawberry

Fill a shaker with ice cubes. Add all ingredients. Shake and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a strawberry.

The Classic
2 Slices of Bread
Peanut Butter
Jelly

Get your two slices of bread and make it as peanuty or jelly like as you need for 4:00 in the morning.

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