Category: Birthday

This Is Us

10/25/2016

NBC debuted a new hour long dramedy in September entitled This Is Us. I would have blogged about it sooner, but I only recently came upon it during the long stretch of free time that comes with fall break.

The show only features two cast members that immediately stood out to me. Milo Ventimigilia, most widely known for his role as bad boy Jess on Gilmore Girls (!). And of course everyone's favorite teen star Mandy Moore who had the bustling music career that folded right around Britney Spear's third album and iconic bitchy cheerleader role in The Princess Diaries.

This Is Us follows a group of people tied together with the same birthday. Jack and Rebecca (Milo and Mandy) lose a baby in childbirth episode one to really kick off the season. Kevin (Justin Hartley) quits his sitcom role in front of a live studio audience. Randall (Sterling Brown) is looking for his long lost father.

It has all that heart pounding family drama that we've been missing since NBC canceled Parenthood. The critics love it and most importantly your favorite indie blogger loves it more.

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The Food Issue

7/14/2015

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There was a time I asked for my Vogue subscription to be renewed. My grandfather got me Architectural Digest. This year he let that slip and now Travel & Leisure in the mail.

I don't know who the target audience is for this. People with money. The kind of people who send their children abroad for the semester. The kind of people who get their children Mercedes Benz for their 16th birthday. Needless to say. Not me.

Usually I recycle it (I know how very earth conscious of me), but this months said that it was the “Food Issue”. Finally something I can use. The cover says Austin is “way beyond barbecue” that Singapore is the “best eating on earth” and that Greenland has “the new arctic cuisine”. Turn up.

The Gulfstream IV

The Cessna Citation X+

The Pilatus PC-12 NG

Now there is a lack of actual recipes for me to give you, but I'm sure google will be more then useful in this endeavor. This issue of this magazine centers primarily on good places to eat around the world. If you have a week and the money to fly all around the world, I have some great suggestions on where you should go for a culinary experience.

While, your at it why don't you fly private. I know. You can't afford private, but wait is “Private The New Business Class”? This is a legitimate article in this magazine. They even have a section entitled “know your private jet”. What kind of upper middle class bullshit is this. One of their suggestions is to get a membership to a private jet membership club that start at $1,750 a month.

It's a fascinating if completely unrealistic read.

Words you probably never expected to hear was “Italo-Slovenian Comfort Food”, but may I suggest if you are ever the Slovenian “Hisa Franko”. Apparently the owner's husband is a biodynamic wine connoisseur. If that doesn't make you want to take all your clothes off I don't know what will.

The Hisa Franko

The Broad Museum

The Atlanta Botanical Garden

There are now also restaurants in MUSEUMS. You have heard it first. Both the Broad Museum and the Whitney have respective places to gorge yourself while you enjoy fine art. My personal favorite is the stunning restaurant opening in the Atlanta Botanical Garden. What will be on the menu? It will be a surprise. As the article says the menu consists of “whatever is fresh from the edible garden”.

One that actually fascinated me was this section on Food Courts. The five brought up are centrally located in Coppenhagen, Atlanta, New York, Rotterdam, and New Orleans. Nothing warms my heart more then gourmet food courts.

The Copenhagen Street Food

The Ponce City Market in Atlanta

The Urbanspace Vanderbilt in New York

The Markthal in Rotterdam

The St. Roch Market in New Orleans

What can I say. Unless you have the budget to travel in your private jet all of this beautiful food imagery is too much. Now you know where to go. And, if you want more posh day dreams go out and find yourself the July Issue of Travel & Leisure.

RECIPES:
Artic Char with Mushrooms
4 Six Ounce Skinless Arctic Char Fillets
Salt
Pepper
4 tablespoons of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
8 ounces of sliced White Button Mushrooms
2 finely chopped Shallots
2 tablespoons of Red Wine Vinegar
2 teaspoons of Whole-Grain Mustard
1 tablespoon of chopped Chives
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
2 bunches of Arugula

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Season the fish with salt and pepper. Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat until shimmering. Add the fish and sear until golden on the bottom and cooked halfway through, about 3 minutes. Flip onto a baking sheet and bake until cooked through, 3 to 5 more minutes.

Meanwhile, wipe out the skillet, return to medium-high heat and add the remaining 3 tablespoons oil. Add the mushrooms and cook, without stirring, until browned on one side, about 1 minute. Stir and cook until browned all over, about 3 more minutes. Add the shallots and cook until soft, stirring, about 2 minutes. Whisk in 2 tablespoons vinegar and the mustard and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat and stir in the chives and parsley.

Drizzle the arugula with oil and vinegar in a bowl, season with salt and pepper and toss. Divide among plates and serve with the fish. Spoon the mushrooms and pan juices on top.

Arctic Char: The Fish

Chicken Parmesan
3 tablespoons of Olive Oil
1 teaspoon of chopped Rosemary Leaves
1 teaspoon of chopped Thyme Leaves
1 teaspoon of chopped Italian Parsley Leaves
Salt
Pepper
8 three ounce Chicken Cutlets
1 1/2 cups of the Simple Tomato Sauce
1/2 cup of Mozzarella
16 teaspoons of grated Parmesan
2 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
Simple Tomato Sauce
1/2 cup of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 Onion
2 Cloves of Garlic
1 stalk of Celery
1 Carrot
Salt
Pepper
Two 32-ounce cans of Crushed Tomatoes
4 Basil Leaves
2 Bay Leaves
4 tablespoons of Butter

Preheat the oven to 500 degrees F.

Stir the oil and herbs in a small bowl to blend. Season with salt and pepper. Brush both sides of the cutlets with the herb oil. Heat a large heavy oven-proof skillet over high heat. Add the cutlets and cook just until brown, about 2 minutes per side. Remove the skillet from the heat.

Spoon the marinara sauce over and around the cutlets. Sprinkle 1 teaspoon of the mozzarella over each cutlet, then sprinkle 2 teaspoons of the Parmesan over each. Sprinkle the butter pieces atop the cutlets. Bake until the cheese melts and the chicken is cooked through, about 3 to 5 minutes.

In a large casserole pot, heat the oil over medium high heat. Add the onion and garlic and saute until soft and translucent, about 2 minutes. Add the celery and carrots and season with salt and pepper. Saute until all the vegetables are soft, about 5 minutes. Add the tomatoes, basil, and bay leaves and simmer covered on low heat for 1 hour or until thick. Remove the bay leaves and check for seasoning. If the sauce still tastes acidic, add unsalted butter, 1 tablespoon at a time to round out the flavors.

Add half the tomato sauce into the bowl of a food processor. Process until smooth. Continue with the remaining tomato sauce.

Marinated Grilled Shrimp
3 Cloves of Garlic
1/3 cup of Olive Oil
¼ cup of Tomato Sauce
2 tablespoons of Red Wine Vinegar
2 tablespoons of Basil
½ teaspoon of Salt
¼ teaspoon of Cayenne Pepper
2 pounds of Shrimp

In a large bowl, stir together the garlic, olive oil, tomato sauce, and red wine vinegar. Season with basil, salt, and cayenne pepper. Add shrimp to the bowl, and stir until evenly coated. Cover, and refrigerate for 30 minutes to 1 hour, stirring once or twice.

Preheat grill for medium heat. Thread shrimp onto skewers, piercing once near the tail and once near the head. Discard marinade.

Lightly oil grill grate. Cook shrimp on preheated grill for 2 to 3 minutes per side, or until opaque.

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Eat A Hamburger

6/15/2015

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I'm practically a vegetarian. It's not that I don't eat meat. It's that I don't make it for myself. If I am home alone, I am not cooking meat. I'm surprised I haven't died because of my lack of protein. Black and Sacajawea are both vegetarians and I honestly feel connected to them in that way. If it is just in spirit.

I had a cheeseburger recently when I went out with Joyce to see Pitch Perfect 2 (for the second time). It had bacon, Swiss cheese, the lettuce, the tomato, and sauerkraut. It was surprisingly amazing. Joyce got the same thing. I didn't know about this and when we were ordering I was like what the actual fuck.

I am not skilled at eating even though I've been doing it for 19 years. This burger went every which way, but it was glorious. I couldn't even get most of it in my mouth. Something I should file under things my boyfriend shouldn't know. Joyce did a decidedly better job and it made me hate her just a little bit.

This was my first experience with meat in weeks and it's only because I'd gone out in public. Legitimately after I finish writing this, I'm going to go to the kitchen. Wash up some carrots, steam them, and call it lunch. I don't eat meat.

Five days after this. It is the twins birthday. Obviously I had to celebrate with them. We all went out to this hamburger place in town. Somehow I ended up driving four people there. I don't know how that happened. Of course I was the life of the party. It was an eclectic group of people. They really were a lot of fun.

It hit me during this meal that I was eating yet another hamburger in the space of the week. This one was more manageable to fit into my mouth and for some reason it was on Texas toast. I wasn't complaining. Sacajawea actually loves this place, because they have vegetarian options for the patty. So, I actually could have continued my vegetarianism.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was their heterosexual male friend. The twins were like your going to like him. And, I was like doubtful. He actually was very nice. And, as the youngest person there he was the only one dating someone and it honestly made me a little upset. But, I'm not salty.

Actually the best thing that happened was when I spilled ketchup all over my jeans. It was definitely a fuck moment. Of course we went out after the burgers to get milkshakes at a totally unrelated place. I'm sure no one noticed the red outline on my black jeans.

This is where the other gay friend of the twins makes his entrance. Up to this point I had been the cutest boy there. I'm not going to compete with the hipster heterosexual. And, to be fair I was still the cutest gay boy there. He had on this shirt that had “Dunce” blazoned across it. It was like a jersey. It said “Dunce” and then the number 50. And, I just looked up what a dunce means and it says “a person who is slow at learning, a stupid person”. Well, boo you stupid for wearing that shirt.

There honestly wasn't anything that went right with this outfit. He also had on Tom's which by themselves are not a bad thing. But, he had on knee high socks with them. And, I've seen him before with ballet socks, so I'm like bitch. Then, he has on shorts. Also not the biggest problem. But, they're those tacky jeans cut off at the knee and they don't even make his ass look good. The entire moment was who let you walk out of the house this way.

Needless to say there's no animosity lost between the two of us. We're basically the epitome of best friends.

I say all of this to offer you the hamburger recipes I grew up with as a child. Enjoy. Embrace them. They are the Utonium family stronghold.

RECIPES:
All American Burgers
1 lb. Ground Beef
1 chopped Green Onion
1 minced clove of Garlic
1 tablespoon of Soy Sauce
½ tsp. Pepper
1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
¼ teaspoon of salt

Combine all ingredients; form into patties.

Grill

Beef & Tomato Burger
1 pound of Ground Beef
1 tablespoon of Sun-Dried Tomatoes
1 teaspoon of Lemon Zest
¼ cup of Mayonnaise
2 tablespoons of Fresh Basil
1 seeded and chopped Jalapeno
4 Onion Hamburger Buns
Fresh Spinach

Combine ground beef, tomatoes, and lemon zest. Shape into 4 patties. Grill until done.

To make the sauce, combine the mayonnaise and jalapeno pepper.

Town Burgers
1-2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
2 pounds of Ground Beef
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper
1 tablespoon of Butter
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
4 English Muffins
4 slices of Tomato

Form burgers, then season generously with salt and pepper on both sides. Wipe down skillet with olive oil before heating over medium-high heat. Char the burgers well on both sides, about 4 minutes per side. Just before the burgers are done, remove them to a wire rack to rest for 5 minutes.

Divide the butter evenly on each burger and sprinkle with a little parsley. While the burgers are resting, toast the English Muffins. Return the burgers to heat through. Place a burger on each muffin and top with a tomato slice.

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Happy Birthday, Te Amo

1/27/2015

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Te Amo means 'I Love You'. So, this weeks Tasty Tuesday translates into “Happy Birthday, I Love You”. I don't believe I've ever talked to you about Te Amo before on the blog. I actually do call her Te Amo. No lie. If you hear someone call out Te Amo in the middle of a crowded mall as a name, it is probably me.

Sometimes, I'll even say Te Amo Tita. Like the Rosetta Stones commercials. I would love to say I remember why I started calling her that, but I don't remember. It just happened organically. Rosencrantz is the only other person on this blog I actually call by their code name in real life.

Although, I have slipped up with other people. I've called out Jenny in public before. It was okay, because there actually was a Jenny there. But, still that was awkward. I never talk to her and then I had to awkwardly stumble my way through conversation.

Today is actually Te Amo's birthday, except it isn't. Her birthday is the 22nd of January if I remember correctly and today's what the 27th? However, this is probably pretty close to when I did her surprise birthday party last year.

The entire time I was convinced that she knew. She did not know. May I suggest to everyone who does a surprise birthday party not to do it the way I did it. It was a smashing success, but that weekend was a mess.

Birthday's are time sensitive and that can't be helped, but the weekend I chose was the one I was doing my interview for college. It was this full ride scholarship, and I was like yes. I didn't get it. I failed miserably at the interview. It was rough. I had to get up at seven and I was there until about four in the afternoon on Saturday.

I was doing her birthday on Sunday, but I also had to go to this dinner with my neighbors that night. I was really over reaching. You go big or you go home. I had my layer cake recipe planned out. The numerous dips. You've got to blow up the balloons, and I suck it at. Not in the good way. I can't get the balloons up. That is my problem. I suck at sucking. Something my crush can never know.

Stock footage of me singing "Happy Birthday"

There were a few dips I wanted to make. Banners had to be strung. I still had to wrap my birthday present to her (Britney Spear's Circus). I even made punch. Nonalcoholic of course. This was Te Amo's 18th birthday not her 21st.

I have this thing for punch. I will use any excuse to bring down that crystal punch bowl and fill it up. I really like punch. People laugh at me for making it, but whatever. I enjoy it.

Of course I had to clean as well. It was a real mess. I might have looked calm and collected, but on the inside I was Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada.

The guest list turned out really well. Basically everyone I told to come, came. I was insistent, I was like you need to be here. This is for Te Amo. People just love her. I wish I could be adored like Te Amo, but I am not willing to give up being a bitch so the masses like me. I could not pretend to like everyone and go about my business. It would not work for me.

She's a doll. I hope she had a great birthday. I didn't see her this year, because she's away at college. Passing, while I sit here struggling through the tears.

As I said I think Te Amo was surprised, but she wouldn't tell me if she wasn't. So, I will just imagine her surprise party went off without a hitch. It was a great gathering of people. There was conversation. People were talking. Everyone participated in a very violent game of Pictionary. It was great. The atmosphere was good. The music was good too. I have no idea what I put on, but I know Gaga came on at least once. Because, me and this one girl started singing “Sexxx Dreams” incredibly obnoxiously together.

Happy belated Birthday Te Amo. Being better then me in 2015.

RECIPES:
Hot Spinach Artichoke Dip
1 cup of diced Onions
8 ounces of Sour Cream
8 ounces of Cream Cheese
14 ounces of chopped marinated Artichoke Hearts
15 ounces of chopped frozen Spinach
¼ cup of Butter
1 cup of grated Monterey Jack Cheese
1 cup of grated Parmesan

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Saute the onions in the butter until they are softened. Add the cream cheese, sour cream, and Monterey Jack cheese and stirring until cheese has melted.

Add the artichoke hearts and spinach, mixing well. Pour the mixture into a baking dish and top with additional cheese. Bake for 20 minutes or until the cheese is lightly browned.

Party Punch
1 quart of Grape Juice
1/3 cup of Lemon Juice
1 pint of Orange Juice
½ cup of Sugar
48 ounces of Ginger Ale
Ice Cubes

Combine the grape juice, lemon juice, orange juice, and sugar, mixing well.

Before serving, add the ginger ale, stirring well. Pour in ice

NOTE: If you would like to garnish the punch (I never do) you can use mint leaves, orange slices, and lemon slices.

Real Footage of Me Decorating a Cake

Lemon Layer Cake
Cake
1 cup of Milk
6 Eggs
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1 teaspoon of Almond Extract
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 ¾ cups of Sugar
4 teaspoons of Baking Powder
1 teaspoon of Salt
12 tablespoons of Butter
Lemon Curd Filling
1 cup of Lemon Juice
1 teaspoon of Unflavored Gelatin
1 ½ cups of Sugar
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
6 Egg Yolks
4 Eggs
8 tablespoons of Butter
Icing
2 Egg Whites
1 cup of Sugar
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
1 tablespoon of Corn Syrup

Cake
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour two 8 to 9 inch pans. Line bottoms with parchment paper.

Whisk the milk, egg whites, and both extracts together in a small bowl. In a large bowl, whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt together. Beat the butter into the flour mixture, one piece at a time, about 30 seconds. Continue to beat until it resembles moist crumbles. About 1-3 minutes.

Beat in all but ½ cup of the milk mixture, then increase the mixer speed until smooth, light, and fluffy, 1-3 minutes. Reduce the mixer speed to low and slowly beat in the remaining ½ cup of milk mixture until batter looks slightly curdled. About 15 seconds.

Make sure it is thoroughly combined and pour into prepared pans. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Let the cakes cool in the pans for 10 minutes. Run a small knife around the edge of the cakes and then flip them onto the wire rack. Peel off the parchment paper.

It will take 2 hours for the cakes to completely cool, so they can be frosted.

Lemon Curd Filling
Measure 1 tablespoon of the lemon juice into a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin over top. Cook the remaining lemon juice, sugar, and salt together in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is hot, about 1 minute. Do not boil.

In a large bowl whisk the egg yolks and eggs together until combined, then slowly whisk in the hot lemon mixture to temper. Return the mixture to the saucepan and cook over medium heat, until the mixture is thickened and a spatula scraped along the bottom leaves a trail. This should take 4-6 minutes and on an instant read thermometer it should say about 170 degrees.

Off the heat stir in the gelatin mixture until dissolved. Stir in the frozen butter until melted and incorporated. Strain the curd into a bowl and press plastic wrap directly on the surface. Refrigerate the curd for at least 4 hours.

Placing one cake on the cake plate spread the filling over the top. Place the remaining cake layer on top and press lightly to adhere.

NOTE: You can split both cakes in half. And, incorporate more layers. I find it to be difficult to do it this way, but I am also not skilled as a cook or a baker or anything kitchen related. So, live your life.

Icing
In a large bowl whisk all the ingredients together until combined. Set bowl over a large saucepan until combined. Set the bowl over a large saucepan of barely simmering water, making sure the water does not touch the bottom of the bowl. Heat the mixture, whisking constantly until it reads 160 degrees on an instant read thermometer. About 5-10 minutes.

Remove the bowl from the heat and whip the mixture for 5-7 minutes until stiff peaks form. Increase mixer speed and beat for another 5-7 minutes. Frost the cake with the icing.

The way I did was to pipe the icing into an even-ish formation on the cake. Then, I used a spoon to give it this wavy pattern. I'm not sure if that make sense, but it was very pretty. And, compared to most parts of this cake, it wasn't that hard to do.

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Cake In A Cup

1/13/2015

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I really need to start asking my cousin Jamie for suggestions on article titles. I was legitimately going to call this Cupcakes. Then, I was like no be original. I came up with Cupcake Mania. Decided that was basic as fuck. I finally settled on Cake in a Cup. I still don't think it's that great of a name, but it's better then Cupcake.

Cupcakes are like portion controlled heaven. They are just everything. The only people who don't like cupcakes are people who don't like cake. That is strange. There might be something wrong you. Were you abused as a child. Do we need to talk. These are all the questions I think of when people don't like cupcakes.

I am here if you need counseling. For a brief moment my mother was on top of the cupcake game. All she made was cupcakes. Now cupcakes are really great. They're easier to decorate then a cupcake, there finger food, and the presentation options are one in a million. We have three cookbooks dedicated to cupcakes. My mother needs to calm herself.

What my mother came to find out was that she really liked the complicated cupcakes. Of course she did. My mother is not one for the easy route.

She wants that fancy cupcake, that has that filling and that icing that takes you ten years to make. It's like no. We do not have time for this, but that is what she lives for. My mother has always been this gourmet human being. She also does it to impress people. She will tell you she does it for herself. I have lived with this woman for 18 years of my life. I know her. I know how she thinks. I have some skill in reading her.

If where I live is anything like where you live, there are a million cupcake shops. First it was yogurt and now it's cupcakes. We have this one chain called Gigi's. I have no idea if you have one, but people are obsessed with this place. I am not a fan. There is no filling. They are three dollars. And, there is ten inches of butter cream frosting on top.

I took a cake decorating class. I know what butter cream tastes like. The recipe they use is basic beginner shit. If you ever take a cake decorating class you will learn how to make this by the pound. About the only thing they do is put sprinkles on their cupcakes.

As you can tell, I am not impressed with Gigi's. There is a place that I adore. There's only one of them and Rosencrantz and I go there all the time. Basically whenever we hang out we get cupcakes.

People around campus even wear shirts with the name emblazoned on it. This cupcake shop is the shit and is so much better then Gigi's. This is the kind of place where people could get me cupcakes for my birthday and I could be like you are the best friend I have ever had in my entire life.

Rosencrantz literally bought me cupcakes for my birthday. She is queen. Like thank you Thunder and J. Lo for my very thoughtful gift of Lily Allen. But, Rosencrantz gave me the gift of diabetes.

Now these are the cupcake recipes that my mother and I like. I'm totally serious about these being a great party food. You make three different kinds. Set them up. Have like a vegetable tray on the side with some dip and you are good to go. Everyone will think your so fancy and all you did was make some cupcakes. As I say that. I realize sometimes that's easier said, then done.

RECIPES
Limoncello
Cupcakes
1 package of Lemon Cake Mix
4 Eggs
1 Package of Lemon Instant Pudding
½ cup of Vegetable Oil
½ cup of Vodka
½ cup of Water
Glaze
4 cups of Powdered Sugar
1/3 cup of Lemon Juice
4 tablespoons of Vodka
Candied Lemon Peel

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 24 standard muffin cups with paper baking cups.

Beat cake mix, eggs, pudding mix, oil, ½ cup of vodka, and water in large bowl until smooth. Spoon the batter evenly into prepared muffin cups. Bake for 15 minutes or until center comes out clean. Cool completely in pans on wire rack.

For glaze, whisk powdered sugar, lemon juice, 4 tablespoons of vodka in medium bowl until smooth. Dip tops of cupcakes in glaze, garnish with candied lemon peel. Let stand until set.

NOTE: You can also sprinkle coarse sugar on top if you would like.

Cookies & Cream Cupcakes
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 tablespoon of Baking Powder
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 2/3 cups of Sugar
1 cup of Milk
½ cup of Butter
2 teaspoons of Vanilla
3 Egg Whites
1 cup of Crushed Oreos
1 container of Vanilla Frosting

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a standard 24 muffin pan with paper baking cups.

Sift flour, baking powder, and salt in large bowl. Stir in sugar. Add milk, butter, and vanilla; beat with electric mixer at low speed for 30 seconds. Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes. Add egg whites, beat 2 minutes. Stir in 1 cup of crushed cookies. Spoon batter into prepared muffin cups about 2/3 full.

Bake for 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool in pans for 10 minutes. Remove to wire racks; cool completely.

Frost cupcakes, garnish with additional crushed cookies.

Boston Cream Pie Minis
1 package of Yellow Cake Mix
1 cup of Cold Milk
1 package of Vanilla Flavored Instant Pudding
1 ½ cups of Cool Whip
4 squares of Semi-Sweet Baking Chocolate

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a standard 24 muffin pan with paper baking cups. Prepare cake batter and bake. Cool for 10 minutes in pan. Remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Beat milk and dry pudding mix with wire whisk 2 minutes or until well blended. Let stand 5 minutes. Meanwhile, use serrated knife to cut cupcakes horizontally in half. Gently stir ½ cup of the whipped topping into pudding. Spoon about 1 tablespoon of the pudding mixture onto bottom half of each cupcake, cover with top of cupcake.

Microwave remaining 1 cup of of whipped topping and the chocolate in small microwaveable bowl on high for 1 ½ minutes or until chocolate is almost melted, stirring after 1 minute. Stir until chocolate is completely melted and mixture is well blended: spread onto cupcakes. Refrigerate at least 15 minutes before serving. Store leftovers in refrigerator.

Maple Bacon Cupcakes
Cupcakes
1 ½ cups of Flour
1 ¾ teaspoons of Baking Powder
½ cup of Butter
¾ cup of Granulated Sugar
2 Eggs
2 tablespoons of Maple Syrup
½ cup of Milk
8 slices of crisp, finely chopped Bacon
Maple Frosting
½ cup of Butter
3 tablespoons of Maple Syrup
2 tablespoons of Milk
3 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 12 muffin cups with paper baking cups. Whisk flour and baking powder in small bowl.

Beat ½ cup of butter and granulated sugar in large bowl with electric mixer at medium speed until light and fluffy. Add eggs and 2 tablespoons maple syrup, beat well. Add flour mixture and ½ cup of milk, beat at low speed just until combined. Stir in all but 2 tablespoons of chopped bacon.

Spoon batter evenly into prepared muffin cups. Bake 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Cool in pan for 10 minutes. Remove to wire rack; cool completely.

For frosting, beat ½ cup of butter, 3 tablespoons of maple syrup and 2 tablespoons milk in large bowl with electric mixer at low speed for 1 minute. Add powdered sugar: beat at medium speed until fluffy. Frost cupcakes, top with reserved chopped bacon.

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Rockin' Near The Christmas Tree

12/24/2014

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Just so we are clear, “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” is not one of my favorite Christmas songs. I can bop to it, but it is not my jam for life. I just felt it was an appropriate title. Our Christmas tree is this massive eight foot tall monstrosity and its always pushed near the corner. You can't really dance around it. You could say that you can dance near it, but that is a little bit of stretch.

This is basically a rough outline of how to get your Christmas on.

The first step is decoration. When decorating for Christmas, remember that there is no such thing as too much Christmas. It is one month out of the year and it's supposed to be over top. My family gets turnt the fuck up.

Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.

We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy.

Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.

As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down.

Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random.

The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas.

At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.

Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it.

Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.

I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well.

I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.

The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.

I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.

RECIPES:
Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread
8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly
1 package of Crackers

Place the block of cream cheese on a platter.

Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese

Serve with crackers

Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
1 tablespoon of Orange Zest
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
5 Eggs
5 Egg Yolks
¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1/3 cup of Cornstarch
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 cups of Berries

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out.
Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside.

Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate.

Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form.

Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.

Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon
¾ cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 tablespoons of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside.

Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet.

Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside.

Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.

Cashew Dreams
1 cup of softened Butter
6 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews
1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar
1 ½ tablespoon of Milk
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.

Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of softened Butter
¾ cup of Sugar
¾ cup of Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Chocolate Chips

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside.

Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.

Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate
2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate
8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder
1 ¼ cups of Sugar
3 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoons of Salt
1 cup of Flour
1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly.

In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes.

Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils.

NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense.

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