Category: Family

The Santa Clarita Diet

4/18/2017

I finally finished watching the Santa Clarita Diet. One of the many new shows that Netflix has commissioned in order to keep people paying their subscription fee. It's a dark comedy set in sunny California. It's got it all: PTA moms, real estate agents, and zombies.

Drew Barrymore plays the lead housewife who's turned into a zombie. And, in the words of one expert, “a family who kills together stays together.” They soon end up biting through drug dealers and strip club owners in order to give her something to put in her smoothie every morning.

It comes with complications. Portia DeRossi is ushered in order to help Drew Barrymore stop transforming. A police officer gets murdered. They take a family trip to the beach. It's excessively gory at times and it remains to be seen how long they can drag this concept out, but it still has my seal of approval.

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The Perks of Being A Waffle

7/26/2016

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My mother threw away our waffle iron. She said that no one in our family liked waffles. I told her no one is this family likes to cook. She threw it away anyway.

Recently my family made the decision to get another waffle iron. Do I know why? Hell no. But, it's not my money and it's nice to know that I now have the option to not make waffles when I want to. Now I can just bitch about being unwilling to make waffles.

Waffles are the brutally shaped version of the pancake. The pancake is slim and circular, sometimes shaped. It must be torture being molded and shaped into the perfect waffle. Just like the American education system or the children of evangelical pastors. In other news I wonder why we don't hear more about waffle rebellion.

You know what I love about waffles is that they are ridgy and sexy as hell. You can put that syrup in their. That butter. Maybe some strawberries if your feeling especially wild. Whip cream if your metabolism can handle the calories.

Pancakes are just not as good as waffles. You can do so much more with waffles. Sure pancakes are slim, but we need to stop shape shaming waffles. They are beautiful just the way they are.

There is not a day I go on twitter without seeing Waffle House trending. I don't know what's happening at Waffle House's across the United States, but something interesting. Cousins are fucking each other. Someone's getting chocolate chips in their waffles. Others are upset about getting court documents served while they have a fork in their Belgian waffles. Real problems happen there.

Waffle Houses are the center of all drama and all prostitutes in America. Country singer, Brandy Clark recently sang, “we don't have have Waffle House, but we always have something to talk about.” Bitch what are you talking about.

Waffles are also the most important part of a college campus. People take ten year to get the batter out and put it in the waffle maker. Then they burn it and make another one and you just want to yell at them to make some toast and grab the grape jelly and go, but you don't because your a good conservative Christian.

I'm writing this and I still don't know what the fuck a Belgian waffle is. And, if you think I'm googling you are underestimating how good my wifi is.

I do particularly enjoy a good chicken and waffles. It's the kind of thing that doesn't sound good. You see the syrup and the powdered sugar and you think to yourself, “what kind of New Orleans bullshit is this” and then you bite in and your like “damn New Orleans knows what the fuck is up.”

This is just a PSA from your friendly neighborhood blogger to love the waffle like it is your child. Although most of us have pancakes (sometimes known as flapjack), you should not discriminate against the waffle just because it's look different from other breakfast foods. Waffles have feelings too.

RECIPES:
Wheat Bran Waffles
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ cup of Wheat Bran
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
4 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Buttermilk
¼ cup of Honey

Prepare and heat waffle iron.

Whisk together the flour, wheat bran, salt, and baking soda in bowl. In a seperate bowl whisk together egg yolks, butter, honey, and buttermilk. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until still peaks form. Make a well in the center of dry ingredients, pour the buttermilk mixture into well, and whisk gently until the mixture is just incorporated. Fold the whipped egg whites into the batter.

Spread the appropriate amount of batter onto the waffle iron and cook until golden brown.

Waffles Benedict
2 cups of All Purpose Baking Mix
1 1/3 cup of Buttermilk
½ cup of Parmesan Cheese
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
5 Large Eggs
½ teaspoon of White Vinegar
0.9 ounce envelope of Hollondaise Sauce Mix
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
¼ teaspoon of Dried Tarragon
8 slices of Prosciutto

Stir together baking mix, next 3 ingredients, and 1 egg into a bowl until well blended. Let stand for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, add water to a depth of 3 inches in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and maintain a light simmer. Add vinegar. Break remaining 4 eggs, and slip into water, 1 at a time, as close as possible to surface. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes or to desired degree of doneness. Remove with a slotted spoon. Trim edges if desired.

Cook batter in a preheated, lightly greased waffle iron until golden.

Prepare the hollandaise sauce according to package directions, adding lemon juice and tarragon.

Stack 2 waffles, and top with 2 prosciutto slices, 1 poached egg, and desired amount of hollandaise sauce.

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Cuba is So Far Away

4/5/2016

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Bette Midler has a great song entitled “Only In Miami”. The story goes that only in Miami is Cuba so far away. Or as Sarah Palin once said, “I can see Cuba from my hotel.”

Diplomatic ties with the tiny island nation have been thawing recently and you can now fly there directly from JFK without fear of entrapment of the US government and the conservatives say that Obama hasn't done anything for this country.

Cuba is the melting pot of the Caribbean.

It was “discovered” by Christopher Columbus. The one and only original father of genocide. He sailed there in 1492 and was convinced that he found India. And I found recently that much like Italy is the boot, Cuba is the crocodile. Do I see it? No. But, it has the nickname of El Cocodrilo, which I personally find very sexy.

Way back when in 1959, Fidel Castro and Che Guevara overthrew the corrupt Cuban government, only to establish a more corrupt communist regime.

Is Fidel dead? Will we ever know? Probably not. I personally hope he lives on as the immortal godfather of Cuba. His brother Raul is keep the family dictatorship in the family and has taken over as the figurehead for his brother.

Our trade embargo has affected the tiny little country for 55 years, with nothing but the cold strong armed Soviet Union to assist them in international trade. My favorite story has always been of President Kennedy stocking up on Cuban cigars before enforcing the trade embargo. I love capitalism.

Cuban cuisine has been a recent topic of discussion. Will Cuba become the next hot spot tourist destination?

Cuba is a true communist country. The cuisine was known to be as good as their cars. Ingredients range from delicious canned and processed to my personal favorite of powdered. At the least athletes were happy.

They have a mixture of influences, which makes for an interesting cuisine. The island has it's indigenous tribes. The mother oppressor of Spain as inspiration. And, an eclectic array of Greece and France to liven up their sources of things to draw on.

Gastronomy in Cuba is for the eclectic in variety. I read in an article in Vogue of 'teti'. Tiny fish that are a centimeter long and as the author describes have “the richness of tiny eels”. Delicious.

If any of this interests you'll have to make a trip to Havana. Just like Jay-Z and Beyonce did. You can meet the people. Learn new culture. Maybe even learn a new language if you stay long enough..

If your a flight risk or would rather not leave the country and end up in a foreign prison for drunk and disorderly conduct. You can always visit Little Havana. A nice tourist destination in Miami. They even have their own gangs.

RECIPES:
Ajiaco Cubano
10 quarts of Water
1 pound of Beef Jerky
2 pounds of Flank Steak
2 pounds of Pork
4 ear of Corn
2 pounds of Malanga
4 Green Plantains
2 pounds of Yuca
2 pounds of Cuban Boniato
2 pounds of Pumpkin
1 pound of Name
1 pound of Guagui
4 Plantains
4 Limes
Salt
Pepper

Full recipe here

Cuban Sandwich
4 slices of Ham
4 slices Roast Pork
3 slices of Swiss cheese
4 Pickles
Yellow Mustard
Cuban Bread

Full recipe here

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The Christmas 15

12/15/2015

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Day 2 of the 12 Days of Bubbles continues.

Some people say that there's the freshman 15. I believe the holiday's hold their own vice. The Christmas 15. I personally blame Santa Claus for this.

What really are the holidays built for? Spending time with “family” and “friends”. Like no I went away for college so I didn't have to spend time with you fake ass bitches. So, here I am shoving cookies in my mouth gaining fifteen pounds and crying.

Last holiday cycle I got incredibly sick after exam week and spent most of my time on the couch or in bed with a box of tissues and a plate of cookies. Cardamon, sugar, chocolate chips. The works. These did not help me get better. I would have rather overdosed on Vitamin C.

Christmas cookies truly are part of the season. If you throw a holiday party and you don't have cookies, it's as if you haven't really celebrated.

Part of this should be shifted on Santa Claus. He breaks into our houses. Leaves a sweater that's two sizes two small for us and then expects us to BAKE HIM COOKIES. I don't think so Santa. I'm sure the reason he expects us to make him baked goods is because Mrs. Claus has him on a diet and he rebels every Christmas Eve.

Personally, I am offended by Santa Claus and his outrageous standards that he forces upon us. What about the poor children whose parents can't afford cookies. This is a classist system Santa Claus has put us under. He is discriminating against the impoverished children of the world.

I must let you know that last year when I hosted a Christmas party I did bake cookies. I even wrote a Tasty Tuesday on it. Clever as I am I entitled it “Rocking Near The Christmas Tree” (read here). It was a lot of effort. I hosted it the final day of exam week. I was running last years 12 Days of Bubbles that requires more time commitments then normal. It was a mess.

I won't be hosting another gathering of friends this year. It's a commitment of time and energy. I'll make an effort to see the twins. Boomer. The really important people in my life, but having people over is an emotionally draining experience that I am just not about.

There was even a What's Happening Wednesday post on my reflection on it. I posted it in January. That's how nonexistent my life is that I had to write about a past experience. You can read about that if you want to (read here). Of course I could have written about the funeral I went to.

All of this said mama is going to give you recipes on some bomb ass cookies. If you want to host the party of 2015. Let Bubbles be there for you. Let me help you succeed in this capitalist society.

The cookies presented on this list are all winners or they very least they sound good. I think I did a great job on this. Especially considering my propensity for Tasty Tuesday's.

Pro Tip: Go to other people's parties. Drink their alcohol. Eat their food.

RECIPES:
Festive Oatmeal Cookies
1 ½ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soada
½ teaspoon of Baking Powder
½ teaspoon of Salt
½ teaspoon of Cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon of Cloves
1 cup of Butter
1 cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
1 ½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Oat
½ cup of Golden Raisins
½ cup of White Chocolate Chips

Make sure to preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and cloves. Set aside.

Cream the butter and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the oats, raisins, and white chocolate chips. Drop by the teaspoonful onto a parchment lined baking sheet, baking for 13-15 minutes until golden brown.

Hershey's Kiss Cookies
1 cup of Butter
3 ounces of Cream Cheese
1 cup of Sugar
1 Egg Yolk
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extracct
2 ½ cup of Flour
½ package of Hershey Kisses

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Cream the butter, cream cheese, and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg yolk, and almond extract, beating until it is well blended.

Add the flour, mixing well. Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll into balls.

Roll the dough into 1 inch balls, then roll them in sugar, and place them on a greased baking sheet. Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in sugar. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack, immediately placing a Hershey kiss into each one.

Millionaire Shortbread
1 ½ cup of Butter
2 ¾ cup of Flour
½ cup of Sugar
14 ounces of Sweetened Condensed Milk
¼ cup of Light Corn Syrup
1 cup of Brown Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Using a food processor, pulse together 1 cup of the butter, flour, and sugar until it is crumbly. Press the mixture into a prepared baking pan and bake for 18 minutes or until is is lightly golden.

Meanwhile, combine the remaining ½ cup of butter, sweetened condensed milk, and light corn syrup, heating until the butter has melted. Turn the heat to low, add the brown sugar, and cook, stirring constantly until it begins to thicken. Pour the caramel evenly over the shortbread and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

Pecan Cookies
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Butter
1 cup of Brown Sugar
1 cup of Sugar
2 Eggs
1/3 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1/3 teaspoon of Butter Extract
1/3 teaspoon of Nut Extract
2 cups of Oat
1 ½ cup of Crispy Cereal
1 cup of chopped Pecans

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Combine the flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside.

Cream the butter, molasses, brown sugar, and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs, vanilla extract, butter extract, and nut extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the oats, crispy cereal, and pecans, mixing well. Shape the dough into rolls, and refrigerate for 2 hours. Slice the dough into ¼ inch slices, and place them on a lightly greased baking sheet. Bake for 12-14 minutes or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to wire racks to cool.

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Squashed It

11/3/2015

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Inspiration struck this week from the family garden. The parents having returned from their extended stay away from me for three weeks returned. With this came my father going through the family garden.

My father. The brilliant man that he is. Created a garden. I'm not sure why. His busy season at work is when a garden requires the most work. He has tried diligently to maintain the lawn by himself this year. After my maintenance last year, he informed me that he would take care of it.

2015 came around and my father made the decision to allow the garden to run free. He was over it. He said he would plant nothing. He stood firmly in this decision. Upon traipsing down into the hell that is the over growth of grass and insects, he stumbled upon squash. Multiple kinds of squash. Massive squash.

It was upon seeing these vegetables from the underworld that I realized that I had to honor the gift of god's creation. I had to praise the mighty squash.

Yes. I realize that last week I did a Tasty Tuesday on the pumpkin. That is a squash. This week, I am broadening my horizon. I am celebrating all of the squashes. The butternut. The acorn. The zucchini. Nothing says fall quite like a squash.

The Butternut Squash

The Acorn Squash

The Zucchini

There are multiple of reasons for the squash. You can put them in food. And, as I've learned from Orange is the New Black, they make great dildos.

Some fun facts about the squash is that it is one of the oldest known crops. It's been cultivated by all of our ancestors. For 10,000 years the mighty squash has reigned over all other vegetables. Of course it has some competition with the corn, but that's beside the point.

According to some internet research I have done the word “squash” comes from the Native American Tribe Narragansett. They referred to the squash as “askutasquash”. Being as formidable as Europeans are with foreign words, we cut most of it out. Askutasquash translates to “eaten raw or uncooked”. I don't know about you, but I've never looked at a nice round squash and taken a spoon to it.

I've also never fucked a zucchini, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Just like that fan fiction that used sand as lubricant.

I believe squash are also good for building muscle mass. Think about it. People grow these competitively to see who's can weigh the most. Do some curl ups with your neighborhood squash and you'll be buffier then Michelle Gellar.

Speaking of world records. Joel Jarvis is the proud farmer of the 1,486 pound monstrosity. If chopped and dissected it could create 5,000 servings of soup. It weighs as much as a polar bear and finally answered the age old question, “what do people do in Kentucky?”

Below are some lovely recipes from the family cookbook on what to do if you ever find yourself face to face with a 1,486 pound squash.

RECIPES:
Squash Casserole
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Garlic
2 pounds of Yellow Squash
2 cups of Onion
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Cumin
1 ½ teaspoon of Chili Powder
Salt
Pepper
2 Eggs
1 cup of Pepper Jack
¼ cup of Goat Cheese
1 cup of Tortilla Chips
1 tablespoon of Butter

Heat butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in garlic and cook until it sizzles. Add squash and onion and toss to combine. Add water, cover, and steam until vegetables are soft, 4 to 6 minutes. Remove lid and continue cooking until all the liquid is evaporated.

Stir in cumin and 1 teaspoon of chili powder. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add eggs and cook, stirring gently, until eggs are cooked through.

Turn off heat and add pepper jack and goat cheese. Cover and let stand until cheese is melted. Stir to combine.

Spoon squash mixture into an overproof dish. Combine tortilla chip crumbs, remaining ½ teaspoon of chili powder, and melted butter in a small bowl. Sprinkle over squash. Set under broiler to brown, 1 to 2 minutes.

Squash Pickles
8 cups of Yellow Summer Squash
1 cups of Sweet Onion
1 tablespoon of Non Iodized Salt
1 cup of Green Bell Pepper
½ cup of Red Bell Pepper
2 cups of Cider Vinegar
3 ½ cups of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Celery Seed
1 teaspoon of Mustard Seed

Combine the squash and onion in a large stockpot. Sprinkle with salt. Let stand 1 hour.

Add green pepper, red pepper, vinegar, sugar, celery seed, and mustard seed to squash and onions. Bring to a boil.

Pack squash and brine into hot, sterilized jars, leaving ½ inch of head space. Remove air bubbles. Secure flat lids and rings. Process in a boiling water canner bath for 10 minutes or adjust time to your altitude.

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The Big Banana

9/22/2015

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Casually, I stumbled upon the concept for this Tasty Tuesday. There was a large black oily banana in front of me and I said of course. This is what I will blog about for a Tasty Tuesday.

I personally enjoy the Banana. It's full of potassium. Healthy goodness. I could live without those little string things on the end, but other then that the banana is such a wonderful fruit. As long as it's yellow and not some indiscernible shade of brown.

The banana is also enjoyed by the elephant. I love elephants more then I should. I have multiple elephant figurines in my room. If I was willing to stand up I would count them for you, but from where I'm lying down comatose I can see at least five. And, I know there's at least two in my closet. I even have an elephant teapot. It's intense.

The banana also has the image of being used as a reference to phallic imagery. The mighty banana is compared to the penis.

I had an English professor who loved phallic imagery. The only paper I got an A had phallic imagery in it. There was even a YouTube video of this boy tasting condom flavors and he put them on bananas. I think they even use bananas to demonstrate safe sex. It's a mess and you know some of the nice women in federal penitentiary are using them as dildos.

Personally, the resurgence of bananas in American culture can be directly related back to the minions. The little yellow fire hydrants are obsessed with the banana. They even have a song about it. I'm sure it has a name, but I call it the banana song.

Music loves the banana. Loves might be a strong word. But, I've come up with a few jams that involve the banana. We have to start with Havana Brown's “Big Banana”. This is a slice of electro excellence and it honestly bothers me that this wasn't one of those flash in the pan quirky hits in the United States like "#Selfie" or "Gangnam Style", but there's no accounting for taste. “Big Banana” is one of the highlights of her album Flashing Lights and the video is the reason I'm alive today.

Buy "Big Banana"

Bananas are not only used for phallic imagery. There also used as symbolism of perturbed mental state. Take the unreleased Big Pun track “Loco Bananas” or my personal favorite “I'm Going Bananas” from the Madonna heralded soundtrack I'm Breathless. Is it the most quality Madonna recording? No, but I'm also trying to tie songs to bananas.

Buy "I'm Going Bananas"

The epitome of Banana culture is “Hollaback Girl”. Gwen Stefani taught young impressionable youth everywhere how to spell bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S!). She told us that shit was bananas and even now in 2015 it has left a lasting legacy.

Buy "Hollaback Girl"

This week's recipes come from the family cookbooks. I flipped deep into the dark ages to find you banana recipes. The fruit that is botanically a berry. The fruit that makes delicious bread. The fruit that is a part of the namesake of the banana split. The fruit that will always be respected, whether or not it's tied to penises or not.

RECIPES:
Baked Sweet Potatoes & Bananas
6 Sweet Potatoes
6 Bananas
½ cup of Butter
Salt
White Pepper
2/3 cup of Brown Sugar
¼ cup of Lemon Juice
½ cup of Pineapple Juice

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Arrange the sweet potatoes and bananas in alternate layers in a well greased baking dish, starting with the sweet potatoes and ending with the bananas. Dot each layer with butter and sprinkle with salt and white pepper. Sprinkle the banana layer with lemon juice.

Dot the top layer with additional butter and pour the pineapple juice over the whole thing. Bake uncovered for 30 minutes.

Banana Yeast Bread
5 ½ – 6 cups of Flour
2 packages of Yeast
¾ cup of Milk
½ cup of Sugar
½ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of mashed Bananas
2 Eggs

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Combine 2 cups of flour and the yeast. Set aside.

Heat the milk, sugar, butter, and salt, until the butter melts. Add the milk mixture to the four and yeast, along with the bananas, 1 of the eggs, plus 1 egg yolk (reserving the egg white), beating for 30 seconds on a low speed. Beat for 3 minutes on a high speed.

Stir in enough of the remaining flour to make a moderate stiff dough. Knead the dough for 5-8 minutes, or until it is smooth. Place the dough in a greased bowl, turning it once. Cover and let the dough rise until is has doubled. About an hour.

Punch the dough down, divide it in half, then cover it, and let it rest for 10 minutes.

Shape the dough into 2 round loaves, placing them on a greased baking sheet. Make vertical slits, about 1/8 inch deep around each loaf at ¾ inch intervals.

Combine the remaining egg white and 1 teaspoon of water. Brush the tops of the loaves, and cover, letting the loaves rise until doubled, about 30-45 minutes. Bake for 30 minutes.

Banana Splish-Splash
1 Banana
½ cup of Pineapple Chunks
¼ cups of Orange Juice
¼ cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
½ ounce of Rum

Using a blender, blend all ingredients together.

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Eat A Hamburger

6/15/2015

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I'm practically a vegetarian. It's not that I don't eat meat. It's that I don't make it for myself. If I am home alone, I am not cooking meat. I'm surprised I haven't died because of my lack of protein. Black and Sacajawea are both vegetarians and I honestly feel connected to them in that way. If it is just in spirit.

I had a cheeseburger recently when I went out with Joyce to see Pitch Perfect 2 (for the second time). It had bacon, Swiss cheese, the lettuce, the tomato, and sauerkraut. It was surprisingly amazing. Joyce got the same thing. I didn't know about this and when we were ordering I was like what the actual fuck.

I am not skilled at eating even though I've been doing it for 19 years. This burger went every which way, but it was glorious. I couldn't even get most of it in my mouth. Something I should file under things my boyfriend shouldn't know. Joyce did a decidedly better job and it made me hate her just a little bit.

This was my first experience with meat in weeks and it's only because I'd gone out in public. Legitimately after I finish writing this, I'm going to go to the kitchen. Wash up some carrots, steam them, and call it lunch. I don't eat meat.

Five days after this. It is the twins birthday. Obviously I had to celebrate with them. We all went out to this hamburger place in town. Somehow I ended up driving four people there. I don't know how that happened. Of course I was the life of the party. It was an eclectic group of people. They really were a lot of fun.

It hit me during this meal that I was eating yet another hamburger in the space of the week. This one was more manageable to fit into my mouth and for some reason it was on Texas toast. I wasn't complaining. Sacajawea actually loves this place, because they have vegetarian options for the patty. So, I actually could have continued my vegetarianism.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was their heterosexual male friend. The twins were like your going to like him. And, I was like doubtful. He actually was very nice. And, as the youngest person there he was the only one dating someone and it honestly made me a little upset. But, I'm not salty.

Actually the best thing that happened was when I spilled ketchup all over my jeans. It was definitely a fuck moment. Of course we went out after the burgers to get milkshakes at a totally unrelated place. I'm sure no one noticed the red outline on my black jeans.

This is where the other gay friend of the twins makes his entrance. Up to this point I had been the cutest boy there. I'm not going to compete with the hipster heterosexual. And, to be fair I was still the cutest gay boy there. He had on this shirt that had “Dunce” blazoned across it. It was like a jersey. It said “Dunce” and then the number 50. And, I just looked up what a dunce means and it says “a person who is slow at learning, a stupid person”. Well, boo you stupid for wearing that shirt.

There honestly wasn't anything that went right with this outfit. He also had on Tom's which by themselves are not a bad thing. But, he had on knee high socks with them. And, I've seen him before with ballet socks, so I'm like bitch. Then, he has on shorts. Also not the biggest problem. But, they're those tacky jeans cut off at the knee and they don't even make his ass look good. The entire moment was who let you walk out of the house this way.

Needless to say there's no animosity lost between the two of us. We're basically the epitome of best friends.

I say all of this to offer you the hamburger recipes I grew up with as a child. Enjoy. Embrace them. They are the Utonium family stronghold.

RECIPES:
All American Burgers
1 lb. Ground Beef
1 chopped Green Onion
1 minced clove of Garlic
1 tablespoon of Soy Sauce
½ tsp. Pepper
1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
¼ teaspoon of salt

Combine all ingredients; form into patties.

Grill

Beef & Tomato Burger
1 pound of Ground Beef
1 tablespoon of Sun-Dried Tomatoes
1 teaspoon of Lemon Zest
¼ cup of Mayonnaise
2 tablespoons of Fresh Basil
1 seeded and chopped Jalapeno
4 Onion Hamburger Buns
Fresh Spinach

Combine ground beef, tomatoes, and lemon zest. Shape into 4 patties. Grill until done.

To make the sauce, combine the mayonnaise and jalapeno pepper.

Town Burgers
1-2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
2 pounds of Ground Beef
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper
1 tablespoon of Butter
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
4 English Muffins
4 slices of Tomato

Form burgers, then season generously with salt and pepper on both sides. Wipe down skillet with olive oil before heating over medium-high heat. Char the burgers well on both sides, about 4 minutes per side. Just before the burgers are done, remove them to a wire rack to rest for 5 minutes.

Divide the butter evenly on each burger and sprinkle with a little parsley. While the burgers are resting, toast the English Muffins. Return the burgers to heat through. Place a burger on each muffin and top with a tomato slice.

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Rockin' Near The Christmas Tree

12/24/2014

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Just so we are clear, “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” is not one of my favorite Christmas songs. I can bop to it, but it is not my jam for life. I just felt it was an appropriate title. Our Christmas tree is this massive eight foot tall monstrosity and its always pushed near the corner. You can't really dance around it. You could say that you can dance near it, but that is a little bit of stretch.

This is basically a rough outline of how to get your Christmas on.

The first step is decoration. When decorating for Christmas, remember that there is no such thing as too much Christmas. It is one month out of the year and it's supposed to be over top. My family gets turnt the fuck up.

Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.

We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy.

Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.

As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down.

Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random.

The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas.

At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.

Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it.

Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.

I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well.

I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.

The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.

I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.

RECIPES:
Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread
8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly
1 package of Crackers

Place the block of cream cheese on a platter.

Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese

Serve with crackers

Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
1 tablespoon of Orange Zest
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
5 Eggs
5 Egg Yolks
¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1/3 cup of Cornstarch
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 cups of Berries

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out.
Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside.

Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate.

Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form.

Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.

Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon
¾ cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 tablespoons of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside.

Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet.

Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside.

Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.

Cashew Dreams
1 cup of softened Butter
6 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews
1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar
1 ½ tablespoon of Milk
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.

Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of softened Butter
¾ cup of Sugar
¾ cup of Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Chocolate Chips

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside.

Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.

Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate
2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate
8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder
1 ¼ cups of Sugar
3 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoons of Salt
1 cup of Flour
1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly.

In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes.

Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils.

NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense.

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The Santa Clarita Diet

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Cuba is So Far Away

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Squashed It

The Big Banana

Eat A Hamburger

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