Sour Rice

According to Uber Facts sushi means “sour rice”. I feel like whenever I'm quoting Uber Facts, I have to add the caveat according to... Uber Facts is just one of those shady things. This isn't run by the C.I.A. The librarian at the Smithsonian isn't running it, this is some random person who was like, I'm going to start a twitter and put out random, but interesting facts. You can't trust that. This is the definition of what your parents told you to beware of on the internet.

I have no doubt on your college English paper, it ranks right up there with Wikipedia on things you can't cite as sources. But, I was sitting there on twitter, listening to Rihanna as one does, trying to think of what to write for Tasty Tuesday, when this comes across my dashboard.

Recently, I took Miss Sara Bellum and her twin sister (I suppose we'll have to call The Mayor of Townsville) out to sushi. They had never been before, but it was a necessary trip out. They told me they had to try sushi with someone who wouldn't judge them before going off to college. Yes, just like Boomer these bitches are leaving me. We're not talking about it.

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They are notoriously picky eaters. Not mind you as bad as Boomer, who I could never take out to get sushi. The last place I went someplace weird with Boomer, he ordered rice. Not rice with anything in it, he ordered white rice. I judged him and he proceeded not to give a fuck.

So, there I am looking hella good. It was a good hair day, I had on my newest pair of jeans, these tight gray spackled ones I'd bought at full price. I judge my life. They ask me what they should get.

I literally know this menu backwards and forwards. I go there almost every week with someone. I've had sushi at two or three other places, but no place is as good as this place. I take everyone here. A major problem. Buttercup did not like sushi until she went out with my mother and I to get sushi one Monday. I convinced her to change her verdict on sushi.

It was two, three weeks later when we went out again this time with Buttercup and Blossom. They both enjoyed it. Now whenever I'm in there, I just sense there's a possibility I could run into them, and it makes me regret showing it to them. I don't know why I'm worried about it, though, I'm sure we would exchange a glance and proceed to ignore one another. It's like suggesting I should avoid the mall because Blossom works there. 

 Not going to happen. If I need something, I'm going in, and I really do feel we're all mature enough to handle being in each others presence. The thought is always lingering in the back of my mind no matter how much I say it shouldn't be.

The Inner Me Eating Sushi

I've already decided I'm going to try a new sushi roll, Rock and Roll and a bowl of clear soup. The twins say to me what should we get.

I suggest the Shrimp Tempura Roll, The Caterpillar, and the California Roll. They ignore the California Roll, and go for the Spicy Shrimp Roll. I say do what you want.

We get our sushi and I thoroughly underestimated how large the Rock and Roll was going to be. The twins on the other hand are close to unwilling to actually eat the sushi. They weren't even sure how to split the chopsticks apart or how to hold them. I kept forgetting how far out of their comfort zone this is.

The Shrimp Tempura Roll goes over well. Especially dipped in the soy sauce. Of course that's a safe beginners roll. Fried shrimp, rice. It should pass down well.

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They, then move onto the Spicy Shrimp Roll. Miss Sara Bellum picks it up and swallows it. The Mayor on the other hand takes out the middle, so she can try it. I would have been so embarrassed if one of the sushi chefs saw us eating this way. Of course they saw the dirty dishes. I'm sure they knew.

I meanwhile am having my own problems. I can not get the Rock and Roll in my mouth. My mouth does not open that big. I am a small pieces kind of person. I am not a swallower that is what I have learned from this. During this process I spill soy sauce on my new jeans. Everyone claims they can't see the stain. Every time I put them on, I know exactly where it is. I think it's a conspiracy. I'm continuing to wear them.


At this point in our lunch. They are now approaching the Caterpillar roll. They do not know how to get this in their mouths either, so I motion to our waitress and ask her if we can get some flatware.

Did, I mention that I am a regular at this place. They know who I am and they know I got flatware. It was so embarrassing, but you don't understand. I needed a fork.

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But, even after we get the fork, the twins are looking at this sushi side eyed. It's incredibly pretty, but if you didn't know what it was, I can see why it was intimidating. There's nothing scary about it, though, not in regards to sushi anyway. According to their take out menu, I took specifically so I could write this article, it contains fried shrimp, avocado, eel sauce, and sweet roe.

They tell me I need to take one. Employing my chopstick skills I reach over and take one. It is as good as I remember. Slowly, Miss Sara Bellum goads herself into trying it. She says everything is good except for the avocado. I know they don't like avocado, but it should not have been a deal breaker. They proceed to take the avocado off the rest of the Caterpillar roll before finishing it.

We pay our bill. Go get ice cream, although I got a smoothie (and was hard core judged for it), before going to visit their mother at the Orthodontist she works at. I had braces and I walk into this place, and I realize that my parents have done me wrong. This office was glorious. They did not do enough research when getting me brace faced. If only I could go back. The inside of this place was essentially a European chateau parading around as a spa. What the hell parents. What the hell.

What I learned from this day is that my parents are terrible people. What the twins learned is sushi is really not their thing. But, that if they have to get it out go for the basic sushi. Anything with “tempura” in the title should be basic enough.

Now, I hope you didn't think I was going to instruct you on how to make sushi, because I have no such skill. The Japanese always make things so complicated. Once, you've put in thirty years, we might considered making you a beginner samurai. No, sir. So, instead here are some tried and true tested recipes of the Asian-ish origins.

Recipes:

Brown Rice and Vegetables
½ cups of Brown Rice (cooked)
1 cup of Pea Pods
½ cups of Carrots (sliced)
4 Green Onions (sliced)
1 Green Bell Pepper (diced)
1 Clove of Garlic (Minced)
1 cup of Mushrooms (sliced)
1 tablespoon of Soy Sauce
Canola Oil

Saute the carrots in the canola oil for 2 minutes. Add the green onions, green bell pepper, and garlic, stirring for 2 minutes more. Add more canola oil if necessary.

Add the mushrooms, pea pods, and rice, cooking for 2-3 minutes. Stir in the soy sauce.

Sweet Rice Pilaf
1 cup of Rice
2 tablespoons of Butter
3 tablespoons of Honey
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 ½ quarts of Boiling Water

Combine all ingredients, cooking until the water has been absorbed.

Chinese Sticky Rice
2 cups of Jasmine Rice
2/3 teaspoons of Salt

Rinse the rice many times until the water is clear.

Pour the rice into a saucepan, covering it with water up to the first joint of your index finger. Add the salt and bring the rice to a boil. Reduce the temperature, and simmer, until the water has been absorbed. Cover, and remove the pan from the heat, letting it sit for 15-20 minutes. (Do not remove the lid prior to that time)

Orange Rice
¼ cup of Butter
2/3 cup of Celery with leaves
2 tablespoons of Onions (minced)
1 ½ cup of Water
2 tablespoon of Orange Zest
1 cup of Orange Juice
1 teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Thyme Leaves
1 ½ cups of Rice (cooked)

Saute the celery and onion in the butter until it is tender, but not browned. Add the water, orange zest, orange juice, salt, and thyme leaves. Bring the mixture to a boil, add the rice, cover, and let stand for 18 minutes. 

Strawberry Orange Smoothie
2 cups of Strawberries
½ cup of Orange Juice
1 cup of Milk
1 cup of Plain Yogurt
1 cup of Ice Cubes

Blend all ingredients.