Coffee is the Drug

There are people who say that “coffee isn't for them” and that they “don't like the way it tastes.” To them I say, “good for you whore.”

Coffee is truly one of the only things that matters in this life in my own humble homosexual opinion. Coffee is the one thing that God did right on this earth. Without coffee would we have the pyramids? The great wall of China? Mariah Carey's vocal range? I don't think so. 

​Some say that “coffee is a required taste” and my grandfather drinks it black because he's a “real man”. My grandfather has a lot of gendered thinking problems. Also, whenever he sees Obama he says, “get off my god damn plane you terrorist” and I truly don't know where to begin with that. But, that's beside the point, even this awful man who worked in a GM assembly line for most of his life likes coffee.

I can thank my GPA of 3.42 to coffee, the natural way to get a caffeine high? Sleepless nights, and mornings are all thanks to the wonder of coffee.

​There are so many ways to drink coffee. You can make instant. Buy some Dunkin Donuts blend. Grind up your own beans you bought at the farmer's market. You can make coffee through a cold drip, which only takes a few hours. And who doesn't have that kind of time? My point is that coffee is a versatile wonder of the natural world. 

My mother and I have taken to trying all of our local coffee shops together. It's a fun way to explore our city and I'm also not of legal drinking age.

We're just looking for our Central Perk in the sea of Starbucks that are overtaking the world. Not that there's anything wrong with a Starbucks. Cher Horowitz name checked them in Clueless, there's an entire scene dedicated to why people like Starbucks in You've Got Mail, and they make a delicious green tea frappuccino. 

​The long and short is that Starbucks is my shit. Once I drove a 100 miles through the heartland of America without seeing a single Starbucks. I now know what hell is like. 

One coffee shop my mother and I went to had all these men decked out in top hats and long beards. It was practically an Abraham Lincoln revival. The coffee was great and then they got shut down.

The twins and I always go to the same place to get coffee every Wednesday. It's cute, fun, has an interesting menu. We play trivia. We always lose, but that's beside the point because it's always about the company your keeping.

A few of the coffee shops have not been one 100. I got a London Fog at one. It sounds exciting, intriguing. It was not. And, the Brioche cinnamon bun we got was store bought. If the barista hadn't had some cute neck tattoos the day would have been a total waste. 

And, the best part of coffee is not only can you drink it, but it can also be mixed into your normal every day cooking. Hopefully, these recipes capture that magic. 

​RECIPES:
Cinnamon Laced Coffee Cake
½ cup of chopped Pecans
2 cups and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Cinnamon
1 cup of Butter
2 Eggs
2 cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
1 teaspoon of Vanilla
8 ounces of Sour Cream

Preheat oven to 350 degreees.

Lightly grease and flour a 10 x 4 inch tube pan.

Combine pecans, 2 tablespoons of sugar, and cinnamon.

Cream butter in a large mixer bowl. Add remaining 2 cups of sugar and beat at medium speed until well blended. Beat in eggs one at a time.

Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Add gradually to butter mixture, mixing well until blended. Stir in vanilla. Fold in sour cream.

Transfer half of batter to pan and spread evenly. Sprinkle half of pecan mixture over batter. Transfer remaining batter to pan and top with remaining pecan mixture. Bake for 55 to 65 minutes or until a tester inserted in center comes out clean. Col in pan. Invert onto a cake plate to serve. 

​Caramel Frappuccino
½ cup of Coffee
3 tablespoons of Sugar
½ cup of Milk
2 cups of Ice
3 tablespoons of Caramel Syrup

Pour the coffee, sugar, milk, caramel syrup, and ice into the blender. Blend until the ice looks slushy. Take your cup and pour caramel syrup around the inside and then pour the blended mixture into your cup.

Top with whip cream to give it that ™ Starbucks feel. 

Coffee Lovers
¾ cup of Sugar
1 ½ cups of Milk
1 ½ cups of cold Coffee
1 teaspoon of Vanilla
2 cups of Whipped Cream

Combine sugar and milk in a large saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil and stir until sugar is dissolved. Remove from heat. Allow to cool.

Add coffee, vanilla, and 1 cup of the whipping cream to milk mixture, stirring until well blended. Pour mixture into a loaf pan. Freeze until slushy. 1 to 2 hours.

Just before serving, beat remaining cup of whipping cream until stiff peaks begin to form. Stir slush mixture, spoon it into dessert dishes, and top with a dollop of whipped cream.