Category: 2016

Macho

6/20/2017

Not since The Devil Wears Prada has there been a romantic-comedy that captures the FUN of the fashion industry. Macho is a Mexican film concerning about a closeted heterosexual designer who uses his flamboyant ways to peddle his craft, until he has to get a boyfriend to prove just how gay he is.

The script plays with homophobia in a light hearted way that's only occasionally a little hard to handle. It's surprisingly sweet. Miguel Rodarte plays lead the philandering man whore, Cecilia Suarez is his beautiful competent partner who picks his fake boyfriend from the homosexuals in the office. Renato Lopez is young enough to still have his dimples and a machine gun from his late husband.

Macho for all of it's posturing delivers laughs. You'll have to turn your subtitles on, but it's worth it. There's drama, flair, and a fake Karl Lagerfield. Most importantly where gays in the cinema end up broken hearted or dead, there's not a dead unhappy gay to report! Macho has my seal of approval.

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Bright Lights

1/3/2017

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The untimely passing of screen legends Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher took any remaining joy of 2016. Remarkably close to one another and both celebrated in their own rgiht. Reportedly Debbie's last words were, “I want to be with Carrie” and I would be lying if I said that didn't emotionally devastate me.

The two are the subject of an HBO documentary on their maternal bond they had with one another. Meant to be aired in March of this year, it got moved up to January 7th at 8:00 pm eastern time.

The documentary entitled Bright Lights: Starring Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds is described as “an intimate portrait of Hollywood royalty”. The film touches on Carrie's well documented bipolar disorder as well as her mother's off screen existence. They were remarkably and inextricably linked to one another and it's heartbreaking to see them gone so soon. I'm not sure if I'll be emotionally stable enough to watch this next Tuesday, but some day I will.

Be sure to keep Billie Lourd and the entire Reynolds/Fisher family in your thoughts during this trying time.

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Jackie

12/27/2016

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Natalie Portman (right) portrays Jackie Kennedy at her husband's funeral along with Peter Sarsgaard (left) as his brother Robert Kennedy

Jackie should bring two things to mind: Ciara's failed album of the same name or America's first lady. Jackie Kennedy led an exorbitantly perfect life in the public eye and it's time she finally got plastered on the silver screen. Jackie is slowly working it's way into wide release in the United States.

Natalie Portman is cast as the titular lead (to rave reviews) and the period piece would appear to be perfect Academy Awards fodder. She won an Oscar for Black Swan, five years ago, but that's five years. Portman necessarily has to carry the film and from critical reviews she does it with grace and elegance, something our first lady knew something of.

The film is set after the assassination of John F. Kennedy. It finds Jackie dealing with shaping her husband's legacy. Jackie largely deals with the 1963 interview she gave with Theodore White, the film endeavors to unveil the private life that she kept hidden so immaculately.

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Britney Biopic To Hit Lifetime

11/8/2016

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Lance Bass has already commented that Connor Paton is going to need more bleach in those tips if he's going to accurately portray him in the upcoming Britney Spears biopic. Hopefully this will include the scene where the crying Britney Spears is comforted by Lance Bass screaming, “I'M GAY!”

Production for the biopic set to air on Lifetime in 2017 began in September and the cast for the show's biggest players have already been labeled. There's no Lindsay Lohan playing Elizabeth Taylor. Relative no names Natasha Bassett and Nathan Keyes will be playing Britney and Justin respectively.

Connor Paton will be portraying Lance Bass in the upcoming film

The unauthorized biopic has received no comment from Britney Spears. Some wonder if her team has even told her it's happening. Britney Jean is the working title of the film that takes inspiration from Britney's relatively unsuccessful album of the same name.

Natasha Bassett will be portraying Britney Spears in the upcoming film

Nathan Keyes will be portraying Justin Timberlake in the upcoming film

This film has a lot of expectations on it. It'll chronicle the rise, fall, and return of America's princess of pop. Will we see a Madonna/Britney make out? Will there be delving into the Britney/Justin cheating that tore them apart and inspired “Cry Me A River”? If it's a Lifetime movie worth it's salt it will.

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Gilmore Girls A Year In The Life

11/1/2016

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Thank god for Netflix. The only streaming service I will be giving praise over turkey this Thanksgiving. It might be too soon to be getting excited about the Gilmore Girls return, but we are just weeks away from the four part mini series return into our hearts.

The show will be extending the show's seventh season finale that left fans unsatisfied. Yes, Luke and Lorelai are happy, but they're not married? The entire Stars Hollow cast is back. All of Rory's boyfriends will be there. Jess? Dean? Logan? The only person not returning is Richard Gilmore. Edward Herrmann unfortunately passed away in 2014. All things touched upon in the trailer.

The four 90 minute episodes are being released the day after Thanksgiving (November 25th) and each episode will focus on a particular “season”. Rory has no job. Emily owns jeans??? And Luke and Lorelai are together but are they “HAPPY”.

I don't know. What I do know is what we need from this show. The same snappy dialogue. Suki and Michelle offering moral support. The mother/daughter bond that's the cornerstone of the show. The Gilmore Girls return needs to be 2007 with a shiny 2016 ornamentation on it and I'm believing that Netflix can deliver.

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Scream Queens is Back

8/23/2016

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Jamie Lee Curtis

Everyone's favorite horror/comedy is back for it's second season. Emma Roberts, Billie Lourd, and Abigail Breslin are all reprising their roles as the Chanels. Last season left us with the Red Devil Killer looming over Chanel #1, knife in hand.

The writers assure us that there's a new killer this season and that the Red Devil is not “back”. The show has updated it's set from college to hospital. Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) is heading it up. Zayday Williams (Keke Palmer) is also back to help “save lives”.

All we've seen so far is a snippet of the Chanel's walking down a corridor, but this season is sure to be bloodier and sexier then before. That is if we're to trust Ryan Murphy.

One of the main creators behind the show, he's enlisted John Stamos, Colton Haynes, and Taylor Lautner all to join the cast. His taste in men is hardly awe inspiring, but it is worthy of a GQ shoot. They should all be filling roles as nurses/doctors at the new hospital respectively.

Colton Haynes

John Stamos

Taylor Lautner

The new season is set three years after the Chanel's got thrown in jail. The year is now 2019 and we'll be able to see what the future looks like as soon as September 20th comes around. Set your TV's for 9:00. We'll have a new Scream Queens and we'll know who the president is.

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Day of Yonce

8/9/2016

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“What rock have you been living under?”

That was the only thing that came to mind when I informed Boomer of my day of Yoncé. He said to me “Who's Yoncé?”

“The Queen.”

I caught him up on everything Beyoncé. Things that he should have known about. Her unexpected album drop, the music videos, the Superbowl performance of Formation. For good measure, I threw in the birth of Blue Ivy.

That's when he looks at me like I'm an idiot. He says to me, “Of course I know about that.” Was I just supposed to assume that. He didn't even know that Beyoncé had made the world stop on December 13 in 2013. If she'd paused our rotation any longer, we all would have died. That's how cataclysmic this album release was, and yet he knew who Blue Ivy was? That's a shade, shady.

It dawned on me that he probably didn't even understand the invitations. They were printed on a black lacquer paper, and in a soft pastel pink was inscribed Yoncé. On the back date, time, information was all spaced like song titles with the symbol for Parkwood Entertainment under all of it. He didn't know I'd just made my invitations resemble Beyoncé's album.

This day was a momentous day of celebration for me. It was going to be a day of style and sophistication all in honor of Queen Bey.

My basic plan was that of a dignified tea party without the tea (We must remember the invitees are college students who can only handle Starbucks coffee). Mind, you I had sweet tea, but the big drink of choice was the Pink

Kiwi Lemonade I made. It was lovingly brewed by me the day before and it was perfect.

I also made an assorted array of baked goods: German Chocolate Cake, Rose Water Meringues, Strawberry Cream Cheese Tea Sandwiches, and Dark Chocolate Brownies. I learned my lesson from my Christmas gathering I had last year. You might make real good food, but if it's not American sounding people are not going to drift to it. They ate all of my boxed brownies, but barely touched my sables (A type of French butter cookie).

I was appalled by their lack of taste, but I said that's okay. That means there's more for me.

However, since it was Queen Beyoncé's day of celebration, I couldn't very well make boxed brownies for her. Instead, I melted down some chocolate, cut up some tea leaves and let those honey's have it. The brownies were a smash in the likes of "Single Ladies" or "Beautiful Liar". And, rightfully so, unlike last time. My day of Yoncé started at 2:00, but I knew these bitches wouldn't be on time, so I planned the viewing of the Beyoncé videos at 3:00. In the meantime I hit random on the five disc CD player, so everyone could experience Beyoncé from “Crazy in Love” to “Drunk in Love”. The only time I had to constrain myself is when “Partition” came on, because that's my twerk song. And, let me just let you all know my twerking abilities are not even on par with Miley Cyrus. Me twerking is much more federal offense level, than sexually provocative.

The actual viewing of Beyoncé and Lemonade went well. The Asians got very uncomfortable during the videos for “Blow” and “Partition”. There was a lot of looking down, side to side, where's the bathroom? But, I just had to tell them. This is Beyoncé's body. Embrace it, enjoy it, fear it. It's Beyoncé.

Really the only time I had to set the rules down was when it was over and my guests started comparing the videos, saying which ones were there favorites. I said (and I quote) “Now, look here you bitches. Everything Beyoncé does is perfect. Every video is upper stratosphere. There will be no comparing, because they are all on the same level. Discussion. Over.”

Recipes:
Pink Kiwi Lemonade
8 cups of water
2 cups of lemon juice
1 cup of cranberry juice
2 cups of sugar
Ice
2 kiwis (Peeled and cut into slices)

Mix together the water, lemon juice, cranberry juice, and sugar in a large container. Stir thoroughly until all the sugar is dissolved. Put all kiwi slices in container and serve when chilled.

Rose Water Meringues
Meringues:
3 Egg Whites
¾ Cup of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 250 Degrees

With an electric mixer, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form. Beat in the sugar gradually until stiff peaks form and mixture looks glossy.

Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Pipe or spoon the mixture onto the cookie sheets and bake for 1 hour. The meringues should be slightly tanned on the bottom when there done. Cool them on wire racks.

Topping:
2/3 Cup of Cream
1 Pint of Fresh Strawberries (Hulled)
2 Teaspoons of Powdered Sugar
2 Teaspoons of Rose Water*

With an electric mixer whip the cream until stiff peaks form. In a food processor, puree the strawberries, the powdered sugar, and rose water. Then mix it together with the whipped cream.

When the meringues are cool enough put the topping on spoon the mixture on top of the meringues.

*Rose Water is a type of extract you can find at a place like Whole Foods. If you don't know of a place where you can buy it or do not want to spend the money on it, you can substitute it with an type of extract you see fit (Vanilla, Almond, Cherry, etc.)

Strawberry Cream Cheese Sandwiches
1 loaf of white bread
1 small package of Strawberry Cream Cheese (Philadelphia Cream Cheese works well)

Cut, the crusts off of all bread (Discard the ends). Then cut them in half diagonally (You should have traingles when you cut them). When all the bread has been cut assembled by putting strawberry cream cheese in the middle.

Black Tea Brownies
2 sticks of butter
8 ounces of bittersweet chocolate (Chopped)
1 ¼ cup of flour
1 teaspoon of baking powder
½ teaspoon of salt
2 cups of sugar
4 large eggs
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
¼ cup of tea leaves (Any kind will do, but they should be finely chopped)

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees

Line a nine inch baking pan with parchment paper, but still greasing the sides with cooking spray.

Melt the butter and chocolate in a medium heat proof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water, or in the microwave stirring occasionally, until smooth. If you are doing this on a stove, a double boiler is required. But, one way to fashion a homemade one is to get one of your smaller pots out, and then to find a small metal bowl that does NOT touch the bottom of the pan. You fill the pot up with water and when you put the metal bowl in, it should not touch the water. Then, you proceed as normal while cooking.

In a small bowl put flour, baking powder, and salt together.

Whisk sugar, eggs, and the vanilla extract in a bowl, then pour in the chocolate mixture, whisking until combined. Then, mix in the flour mixture and tea leaves.

Pour it into the baking pan and bake for 35 to 40 minutes. It should have started to pull away from the pan and the top might be shiny.

Cool the brownies and then invert them onto a cutting board where you will remove the parchment paper and cut the brownies into squares.

German Chocolate Cake
Cake:
½ cup of cocoa powder
1 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of baking soda
½ teaspoon of baking powder
¼ teaspoon of salt
1 ¼ of boiling water
4 ounces of chopped chocolate (Sweetened or unsweetened the kind of chocolate is up to you)
1 teaspoon of instant coffee
10 tablespoon of softened butter
1 ½ cups of packed brown sugar
3 eggs
½ cup of sour cream
1 teaspoon of vanilla

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Grease two 9 inch round cake pans and the line the bottoms with parchment paper. Make sure to grease the sides well.

Put the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt together.

In another bowl whisk the boiling water, chocolate, ½ cup of cocoa powder, and instant coffee together until smooth.

In a mixer beat the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy (About 3-6 minutes). Beats in eggs one at a time. Then beat in sour cream and vanilla.

Reduce speed and beat in a third of the flour mixture, then a half of the chocolate mixture. Alternating until it has all been mixed in.

Pour the batter evenly between the two pans, then bake for 15 to 20 minutes. Make sure a toothpick comes out clean.

Let the cakes cool for 10 minutes before running a knife around the edge of the cakes and flipping them onto the wire racks.

Let cakes cool for two hours before frosting.

Frosting:
3 egg yolks
1 cup of evaporated milk
1 cup of sugar
4 tablespoons of butter
A pinch of salt

1 ½ cups of shredded coconut

¾ cups of choppped pecans (Toasted is preferred)

Cook the egg yolks, evaporated milk, sugar, butter, and salt together in a saucepan over medium high heat, whisking constantly, until mixture is boiling. This should take 6 minutes.

Transfer the mixture into another bowl and mix in coconut. Let the mixture cool slightly and then cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours. Stir in the pecans just before you assemble the cake.

Put the first cake on the cake plate and spread half of the mixture over the cake. Then place the second cake on top of the first one and pour the rest of the mixture on top of that. You do not use any of the filling on the side. That is what makes this cake easy to decorate.

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The Perks of Being A Waffle

7/26/2016

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My mother threw away our waffle iron. She said that no one in our family liked waffles. I told her no one is this family likes to cook. She threw it away anyway.

Recently my family made the decision to get another waffle iron. Do I know why? Hell no. But, it's not my money and it's nice to know that I now have the option to not make waffles when I want to. Now I can just bitch about being unwilling to make waffles.

Waffles are the brutally shaped version of the pancake. The pancake is slim and circular, sometimes shaped. It must be torture being molded and shaped into the perfect waffle. Just like the American education system or the children of evangelical pastors. In other news I wonder why we don't hear more about waffle rebellion.

You know what I love about waffles is that they are ridgy and sexy as hell. You can put that syrup in their. That butter. Maybe some strawberries if your feeling especially wild. Whip cream if your metabolism can handle the calories.

Pancakes are just not as good as waffles. You can do so much more with waffles. Sure pancakes are slim, but we need to stop shape shaming waffles. They are beautiful just the way they are.

There is not a day I go on twitter without seeing Waffle House trending. I don't know what's happening at Waffle House's across the United States, but something interesting. Cousins are fucking each other. Someone's getting chocolate chips in their waffles. Others are upset about getting court documents served while they have a fork in their Belgian waffles. Real problems happen there.

Waffle Houses are the center of all drama and all prostitutes in America. Country singer, Brandy Clark recently sang, “we don't have have Waffle House, but we always have something to talk about.” Bitch what are you talking about.

Waffles are also the most important part of a college campus. People take ten year to get the batter out and put it in the waffle maker. Then they burn it and make another one and you just want to yell at them to make some toast and grab the grape jelly and go, but you don't because your a good conservative Christian.

I'm writing this and I still don't know what the fuck a Belgian waffle is. And, if you think I'm googling you are underestimating how good my wifi is.

I do particularly enjoy a good chicken and waffles. It's the kind of thing that doesn't sound good. You see the syrup and the powdered sugar and you think to yourself, “what kind of New Orleans bullshit is this” and then you bite in and your like “damn New Orleans knows what the fuck is up.”

This is just a PSA from your friendly neighborhood blogger to love the waffle like it is your child. Although most of us have pancakes (sometimes known as flapjack), you should not discriminate against the waffle just because it's look different from other breakfast foods. Waffles have feelings too.

RECIPES:
Wheat Bran Waffles
1 ½ cups of Flour
½ cup of Wheat Bran
1 teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
4 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Buttermilk
¼ cup of Honey

Prepare and heat waffle iron.

Whisk together the flour, wheat bran, salt, and baking soda in bowl. In a seperate bowl whisk together egg yolks, butter, honey, and buttermilk. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until still peaks form. Make a well in the center of dry ingredients, pour the buttermilk mixture into well, and whisk gently until the mixture is just incorporated. Fold the whipped egg whites into the batter.

Spread the appropriate amount of batter onto the waffle iron and cook until golden brown.

Waffles Benedict
2 cups of All Purpose Baking Mix
1 1/3 cup of Buttermilk
½ cup of Parmesan Cheese
2 tablespoons of Vegetable Oil
5 Large Eggs
½ teaspoon of White Vinegar
0.9 ounce envelope of Hollondaise Sauce Mix
1 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
¼ teaspoon of Dried Tarragon
8 slices of Prosciutto

Stir together baking mix, next 3 ingredients, and 1 egg into a bowl until well blended. Let stand for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, add water to a depth of 3 inches in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and maintain a light simmer. Add vinegar. Break remaining 4 eggs, and slip into water, 1 at a time, as close as possible to surface. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes or to desired degree of doneness. Remove with a slotted spoon. Trim edges if desired.

Cook batter in a preheated, lightly greased waffle iron until golden.

Prepare the hollandaise sauce according to package directions, adding lemon juice and tarragon.

Stack 2 waffles, and top with 2 prosciutto slices, 1 poached egg, and desired amount of hollandaise sauce.

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Macho

Bright Lights

Jackie

Britney Biopic To Hit Lifetime

Gilmore Girls A Year In The Life

Scream Queens is Back

Day of Yonce

The Perks of Being A Waffle

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