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Day of Yonce

8/9/2016

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“What rock have you been living under?”

That was the only thing that came to mind when I informed Boomer of my day of Yoncé. He said to me “Who's Yoncé?”

“The Queen.”

I caught him up on everything Beyoncé. Things that he should have known about. Her unexpected album drop, the music videos, the Superbowl performance of Formation. For good measure, I threw in the birth of Blue Ivy. ​

​That's when he looks at me like I'm an idiot. He says to me, “Of course I know about that.” Was I just supposed to assume that. He didn't even know that Beyoncé had made the world stop on December 13 in 2013. If she'd paused our rotation any longer, we all would have died. That's how cataclysmic this album release was, and yet he knew who Blue Ivy was? That's a shade, shady.
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​It dawned on me that he probably didn't even understand the invitations. They were printed on a black lacquer paper, and in a soft pastel pink was inscribed Yoncé. On the back date, time, information was all spaced like song titles with the symbol for Parkwood Entertainment under all of it. He didn't know I'd just made my invitations resemble Beyoncé's album.

This day was a momentous day of celebration for me. It was going to be a day of style and sophistication all in honor of Queen Bey. 

My basic plan was that of a dignified tea party without the tea (We must remember the invitees are college students who can only handle Starbucks coffee). Mind, you I had sweet tea, but the big drink of choice was the Pink 

Kiwi Lemonade I made. It was lovingly brewed by me the day before and it was perfect.

I also made an assorted array of baked goods: German Chocolate Cake, Rose Water Meringues, Strawberry Cream Cheese Tea Sandwiches, and Dark Chocolate Brownies. I learned my lesson from my Christmas gathering I had last year. You might make real good food, but if it's not American sounding people are not going to drift to it. They ate all of my boxed brownies, but barely touched my sables (A type of French butter cookie). ​
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I was appalled by their lack of taste, but I said that's okay. That means there's more for me. ​
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​However, since it was Queen Beyoncé's day of celebration, I couldn't very well make boxed brownies for her. Instead, I melted down some chocolate, cut up some tea leaves and let those honey's have it. The brownies were a smash in the likes of "Single Ladies" or "Beautiful Liar". And, rightfully so, unlike last time. My day of Yoncé started at 2:00, but I knew these bitches wouldn't be on time, so I planned the viewing of the Beyoncé videos at 3:00. In the meantime I hit random on the five disc CD player, so everyone could experience Beyoncé from “Crazy in Love” to “Drunk in Love”. The only time I had to constrain myself is when “Partition” came on, because that's my twerk song. And, let me just let you all know my twerking abilities are not even on par with Miley Cyrus. Me twerking is much more federal offense level, than sexually provocative.
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The actual viewing of Beyoncé and Lemonade went well. The Asians got very uncomfortable during the videos for “Blow” and “Partition”. There was a lot of looking down, side to side, where's the bathroom? But, I just had to tell them. This is Beyoncé's body. Embrace it, enjoy it, fear it. It's Beyoncé.

Really the only time I had to set the rules down was when it was over and my guests started comparing the videos, saying which ones were there favorites. I said (and I quote) “Now, look here you bitches. Everything Beyoncé does is perfect. Every video is upper stratosphere. There will be no comparing, because they are all on the same level. Discussion. Over.”
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​Recipes:
Pink Kiwi Lemonade

8 cups of water
2 cups of lemon juice
1 cup of cranberry juice
2 cups of sugar
Ice
2 kiwis (Peeled and cut into slices)

Mix together the water, lemon juice, cranberry juice, and sugar in a large container. Stir thoroughly until all the sugar is dissolved. Put all kiwi slices in container and serve when chilled.

Rose Water Meringues 
Meringues:
3 Egg Whites
¾ Cup of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 250 Degrees

With an electric mixer, beat the egg whites until soft peaks form. Beat in the sugar gradually until stiff peaks form and mixture looks glossy.

Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Pipe or spoon the mixture onto the cookie sheets and bake for 1 hour. The meringues should be slightly tanned on the bottom when there done. Cool them on wire racks.

Topping:
2/3 Cup of Cream
1 Pint of Fresh Strawberries (Hulled)
2 Teaspoons of Powdered Sugar
2 Teaspoons of Rose Water*

With an electric mixer whip the cream until stiff peaks form. In a food processor, puree the strawberries, the powdered sugar, and rose water. Then mix it together with the whipped cream.

When the meringues are cool enough put the topping on spoon the mixture on top of the meringues.

*Rose Water is a type of extract you can find at a place like Whole Foods. If you don't know of a place where you can buy it or do not want to spend the money on it, you can substitute it with an type of extract you see fit (Vanilla, Almond, Cherry, etc.) 

Strawberry Cream Cheese Sandwiches
1 loaf of white bread
1 small package of Strawberry Cream Cheese (Philadelphia Cream Cheese works well)

Cut, the crusts off of all bread (Discard the ends). Then cut them in half diagonally (You should have traingles when you cut them). When all the bread has been cut assembled by putting strawberry cream cheese in the middle.
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​Black Tea Brownies
2 sticks of butter
8 ounces of bittersweet chocolate (Chopped)
1 ¼ cup of flour
1 teaspoon of baking powder
½ teaspoon of salt
2 cups of sugar
4 large eggs
2 teaspoons of vanilla extract
¼ cup of tea leaves (Any kind will do, but they should be finely chopped)

Preheat oven to 350 Degrees

Line a nine inch baking pan with parchment paper, but still greasing the sides with cooking spray.

Melt the butter and chocolate in a medium heat proof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water, or in the microwave stirring occasionally, until smooth. If you are doing this on a stove, a double boiler is required. But, one way to fashion a homemade one is to get one of your smaller pots out, and then to find a small metal bowl that does NOT touch the bottom of the pan. You fill the pot up with water and when you put the metal bowl in, it should not touch the water. Then, you proceed as normal while cooking.

In a small bowl put flour, baking powder, and salt together.

Whisk sugar, eggs, and the vanilla extract in a bowl, then pour in the chocolate mixture, whisking until combined. Then, mix in the flour mixture and tea leaves.

Pour it into the baking pan and bake for 35 to 40 minutes. It should have started to pull away from the pan and the top might be shiny. 

Cool the brownies and then invert them onto a cutting board where you will remove the parchment paper and cut the brownies into squares.

German Chocolate Cake
Cake:
½ cup of cocoa powder
1 ½ cups of flour
1 teaspoon of baking soda
½ teaspoon of baking powder
¼ teaspoon of salt
1 ¼ of boiling water
4 ounces of chopped chocolate (Sweetened or unsweetened the kind of chocolate is up to you)
1 teaspoon of instant coffee
10 tablespoon of softened butter
1 ½ cups of packed brown sugar
3 eggs
½ cup of sour cream
1 teaspoon of vanilla

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Grease two 9 inch round cake pans and the line the bottoms with parchment paper. Make sure to grease the sides well.

Put the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt together. 

In another bowl whisk the boiling water, chocolate, ½ cup of cocoa powder, and instant coffee together until smooth.

In a mixer beat the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy (About 3-6 minutes). Beats in eggs one at a time. Then beat in sour cream and vanilla.

Reduce speed and beat in a third of the flour mixture, then a half of the chocolate mixture. Alternating until it has all been mixed in. 

Pour the batter evenly between the two pans, then bake for 15 to 20 minutes. Make sure a toothpick comes out clean.

Let the cakes cool for 10 minutes before running a knife around the edge of the cakes and flipping them onto the wire racks. 

Let cakes cool for two hours before frosting.

Frosting:
3 egg yolks
1 cup of evaporated milk 
1 cup of sugar
4 tablespoons of butter
A pinch of salt

1 ½ cups of shredded coconut

¾ cups of choppped pecans (Toasted is preferred)

Cook the egg yolks, evaporated milk, sugar, butter, and salt together in a saucepan over medium high heat, whisking constantly, until mixture is boiling. This should take 6 minutes.

Transfer the mixture into another bowl and mix in coconut. Let the mixture cool slightly and then cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours. Stir in the pecans just before you assemble the cake.

Put the first cake on the cake plate and spread half of the mixture over the cake. Then place the second cake on top of the first one and pour the rest of the mixture on top of that. You do not use any of the filling on the side. That is what makes this cake easy to decorate.
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Goes With Milk & Orange Juice

7/12/2016

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​I think that's gross. I know people do it, but there's no excuse for substiuting orange juice for milk in your breakfast cereal. Orange juice belongs on the side of a nice plate of bacon, maybe some scrambed, a slice of toast, NOT mixed in with your Cheerios. What kind of savage decided that was a good idea.

There's nothing better then cereal in the morning, except for a crisp $100 bill. Cereal is such a trademark of early school mornings where the parents don't have the time to pop down a toaster strudel in the toaster. Cereal is for the lazy at heart.
​Forewarning now, this Tasty Tuesday does not attempt to teach you how to make your own cereal, but instead incorporate cereal into your daily life. And, yes this basic bitch included a recipe for rice krispy treats. 
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​Recently, I read about Baby Boomers judging us, the youngins, for not eating cereal for breakfast. We're essentially pisssing on American culture, by going to Starbucks and getting that delicious outmeal with all the dried fruit and brown sugar in the morning. Like, I'm sorry Susie, but isn't it time to put in your catheter? 
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​I can't handle these old people with judgmental crusty asses. Sit down. Get off my dick. I'm sorry Frank, but we don't like homophobia and racism. Honestly, don't they have better things to do, then pass a side eye at us for not eating cereal.

I've always been on and off with cereal. I tend to skip breakfast. I'm not hungry. It's not my scene, but there are times when a good bowl of Life cereal hits the spot. Especially if you put some blueberries in it. Maybe chop up some bananas. It makes me feel healthy.
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​I have a very boring taste in cereal. It's all very simple, I have dentures kind of food. I love me some Grape Nuts, like the grandma I am. Clearly I'm down with the Life. And, I have been known to enjoy some Corn Flakes in my spare time. 
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​Now, I'm not sure why I never got into all those artificially flavor, hyped up with sugar cereals, my parents always kept me in the cart, there weren't having any of that. 

Frosted Corn Flakes are pretty good. I feel my arteries dying, but I'll munch on that any day. Fruity Pebbles have always been too much for me. Their so small. It takes me ten years to get it all out. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I don't have time for this bullshit in the morning. It's the same with Rice Krispies. Snap, crackle, pop, out of my life. 
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​If I'm going for sweet cereal I do like my Lucky Charms. I feel a draw to them. My father's ancestry runs Irish and I feel connected to my people that way. 
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Also a fun fact about cereal is that the first cereal was created by a vegetarian (not a vegan thank god). It happened in 1863 by a man named James Caleb Jackson. Apparently her ran a sanitorium. Isn't that just a great hearty fact to convince you that cereal is made for you.

#NeverTrump
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​RECIPES:
Banana Bran Muffins

1 cup of Flour
¾ teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
2 tablespoons of Shortening
¼ cup of Sugar
1 Egg
2 tablespoons of Milk
2 cups of Bananas
3 ½ ounces of Pineapple Tidbits
1 cup of Bran

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Sift the flour, baking soda, and salt together, then set aside.

Cream the shortening and sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg, milk, banana, and pineapple tidbits, stirring to combine. Stir in the bran, letting it stand until it softens.

Add the flour mixture, stirring until all of the flour is moistened. Spoon the mixture into greased muffin pans and bake for 35 minutes. 
​Corn Flake Crusted Chicken
4 Chicken Breasts
3 cups of Corn Flakes
2 tablespoons of Butter
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Water
Salt
Pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Combine, salt and pepper. Covering the chicken breasts on front and back Mix egg and water in a bowl. Crush cornflakes and mix in butter. Dip chicken breasts into egg and water mixture and roll in the cornflake crust to coat. Bake for 30 minutes or until done. 
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​Rice Krispy Treats
¼ cup of Butter
4 cups of Marshmallows
5 cups of Rice Krispies

Melt butter in large sauce pan over low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted and well blended. Cook 2 minutes longer, stirring constantly. Remove from heat.
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Add cereal. Stir until well coated.
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Ray Not Roy

5/17/2016

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​The most recent question on the tip of everyone's tongue is, “who is Becky with the good hair?” Iggy Azalea says its a racist slur against white people and Beyonce is letting us read between the lines while Drakes lays out the name and social security of the girls that have wronged him on Views.

The beyhive in it's confusion to attack the mistress of Hip Hop mogul Jay-Z, mistakenly went for Rachael Ray. TV show host, cook, innocent victim. The beyhive was looking for Rachel Roy, relatively unknown fashion designer. The woman who is rumored to be behind the Solange/Jay Z elevator assault a few years ago. 
​Rachael Roy and her obscurity seem to be the most likely bet for “Becky with the good hair”, especially with her questionable instagram captions. Although, Jay-Z protege Rita Ora has been side eyed. She's gorgeous and she has good hair. But, I digress.
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With the recent attacks on Rachel Ray, I thought there was a need for some good will. ​

Rachael Ray was heralded and lauded by Oprah and much like her book club it was a major success. The last time I watched Rachael Ray's show was when Hilary and Hailey Duff was on, but that's beside the point. Anything Oprah recommends has to be good. Oprah is so amazing that I don't even feel like I'm qualified to follow her on twitter. 

My great aunt really loves Rachael Ray's show. Of course my aunt loves anything and everything that could be on TV. Even televangelists. 
I've always found Rachael Ray to be overflowing with personality and pep. She's like the cool Aunt who might be a little cool, but she's also fun. Like you can make a mess in her kitchen and she just grabs a paper towel and feeds you a bowl of uncooked cookie dough batter. You feel me. I think we'd get it. 
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She's also a lying bitch.

Fuck her and all of those 30 minute meals. Now I say this with love and affection. But, this bitch. These are not 30 minutes meals if I have to prep something for 4 hours before. Now I understand you've got to have your brand and easy, suburban realness is her aesthetic, I just don't have 4.5 hours to be in the kitchen or preparing for a meal.

My mother bought her cookbook. Maybe one? Maybe two? I really don't go in her cupboards, but I know my mother has some of her books. 
I don't think that Rachael should be too upset over this Rachel Roy mix up. It's good for business. People are laughing. Having a good time and if your going to be publicly harassed it might as well be on the grounds that you have “good hair.” 
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I wish Rachael Ray all the best. I won't be watching, but all those nice nursing homes and houses on the outskirts of LA county have to have something to watch and I support that. 
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RECIPES:
Strawberry Lemonade
 
1 Pint of Strawberries
Fresh Mint
1/2 cup of Sugar
6 cups of Mineral Water
12 juiced Lemons

Add the berries and mint to a glass pitcher and muddle with a wooden spoon.

In a large pot, add the sugar, to taste, and 2/3 cup of water. Cook over medium heat until the sugar dissolves. Pour over the strawberries.
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Stir in the lemon juice and fill the pitcher with the remaining water. Chill or pour over ice and serve.
Honey Vanilla Lemonade
2 cups of Sugar
1/2 cup of Honey
2 cups of Water
1 Vanilla Bean
2 1/2 cups of fresh Lemon Juice

​In a large saucepan, combine the sugar, honey and two cups water and place over medium-high heat. Cut the vanilla bean in half lengthwise, then, using the back of the knife, scrape the vanilla seeds from the pod and add to the saucepan, along with the pod. Bring the mixture to a boil and cook for 4-5 minutes, until the sugar is dissolved and the mixture thickens. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

Put the lemon juice into a gallon jug or pitcher. Pour the sugar syrup through a strainer into the pitcher and discard the pod. Add water to equal one gallon and stir well.

Serve over ice
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Ginger Lemonade
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Water
2 cups of fresh Lemon Juice
1/4 cup of thinly slice Ginger

​Combined the sugar, water and ginger in a small pot and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Let the sugar dissolve but not caramelize.

While the sugar water comes up to a boil, squeeze the lemons into a pitcher, discarding the seeds and rind. Add ice to the lemon juice until it comes about halfway up the sides of the pitcher. Strain the ginger-infused sugar syrup into the lemon juice then top it off with some water.
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From Dinner... With Love

2/9/2016

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Valentine's Day is this Sunday. Or at least that's what I've been told.

Valentine's is a great holiday. It's spawned many wonderful movies. I think the movie Valentine's Day was very inspired by it. Also, the Valentine's Day Massacre. It's just a great day of love and having money spent on you. It's the first major holiday after the drunken, stumbling mess that is New Year's Eve. 
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I personally love Valentine's Day. I always celebrate. I wrote about it last year for this Tasty Tuesday. You can read that here. I bake a cake. I watch a romantic comedy. Alone. It's not as tragic as it sounds. This year I'm going into work. Yeah!!!
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So, there I was in my MIS class, not listening to my professor, when I said to myself, what am I going to write about, basically what I always think when it comes to Tasty Tuesday's.

Then, it sort of stumbled upon me. What do people do on Valentine's Day? They usually go out to a nice dinner. Maybe see a play after that. There are flowers. Usually red roses. The man leaves a nice tip, unless we're stereotype breaking heterosexual couple or two nice lesbians. My favorite kind of couple personally.
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Some of us cannot afford to go out. That's why I, your favorite blogger, am giving you a nice three course dinner to prepare for the night. It screams sex and love. Just don't get pregnant or an STD.
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Recently, I've started spending a lot of time with couples. One of them broke up. It saves money in February, but the other two are intact. The gays are going to do something exciting I'm sure. I won't be there. I believe in third wheeling like all good single people, but I do draw the line once in a while. Occasionally I believe couples need “space” and to spend “alone time together”.

I've never dated over Valentine's Day, so I really don't know what the ritual is, but I'm not expecting them to fuck it up.

In the words of Erika Jayne, “I spend all of my time with gay men and strong women.” 
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That's why I'm surprised I spend as much as I do with this other couple. They're very heterosexual. I'm actually friends with the boyfriend in this relationship and I love that little shit (he's actually taller then me, but that's not the point) like a brother, but if anyone is going to fuck up Valentine's Day it's going to be him. 
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I'm wishing him the best of luck. I love their love. I ship them so hard it's ugly, but he's so straight it hurts and I'm watching this train wreck with my hand in front of my eyes.

I hope all of you spend this consumer holiday with the one's you love. Whether that be your dog or your cat. If not you can always hire an escort and prepare this dinner for them. Just make sure that the agency is reputable, because getting shanked on Valentine's Day is not the story you want your grand children hearing about you. 
RECIPES:
Blarney Stones

4 Egg Yolks
1 cup of Sugar
3 tablespoons of Warm Water
1 cup of Flour
1/3 teaspoons of Baking Powder
4 Egg Whites

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Combine all of the ingrdients, mixing well. Pour the batter into a greased baking pan and bake for 25 minutes.

NOTE: Nothing screams romance like a bread product called “blarney stones” 
Tournedos and Bearnaise Sauce
¼ cup of Tarragon Vinegar
½ cup of Water
2 teaspoon of Tarragon
1 tablespoon of slice Green Onions
3 Egg Yolks
½ cup of Butter
6 Filets of Beef
2 tablespoons of Butter
½ teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Pepper

Bearnaise Sauce
Combine the tarragon, vinegar, water, and green onion. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat, simmer, uncovered, for 8-10 minutes or until the liquid is reduced to ¼ cup. Strain the mixture into the top of a double boiler.

With a wire whisk, beat in the egg yolks. Cook over hot, boiling water, beating constantly, until the mixture begins to thicken. Beat in the ½ cup of butter, 1 tablespoon of thyme, beating well after each addition. Keep warm. Add just enough cold water to the hot water in the bottom of the double boiler to make it lukewarm.

Filets
Brush the filets with 2 tablespoons of butter and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Broil for 5 minutes, turn, and brush with remaining butter, salt, and pepper. Broil for another 5 minutes.

Serve with Bearnaise sauce poured over the top.

NOTE: Perfect for the carnivorous appetite of your lover. 
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Isn't this romantic?
Mexican Wedding Cake
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
20 ounces of crushed Pineapple (Do not drain)
2 Eggs
3 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1-2 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees

Combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, crushed pineapple, and eggs beating well. Pour the batter into a prepared cake pan, and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean

NOTE: Included in last year's Tasty Tuesday, this is the perfect closer for your meal, so your lover knows what your true intentions are with them. 
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The Tic Tac Diet

1/26/2016

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RuPaul, drag queen extrodinaire, gave wonderful life advice when he talked about the tic tac diet on his first Christmas special.

As usual I was sitting there drinking my water, having no idea what to write this week, when a tiny orange pebble fell out of the sky and hit me square in my temple. After I woke up I realized that what had fallen upon me was a tic tac. 
It brought to mind all of my tic tac memories. I have so many. Not a Christmas goes by with a package of tic tacs in my stocking. And, the Easter basket isn't complete if a complete set of pastel colored tic tacs isn't waiting for my inner child. 
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Now, this is the premise of the tic tac diet. A diet I take part in. In the morning you eat one tic tac. In the afternoon you eat one tic tac. And at night you think about the two tic tacs you will eat tomorrow. It's a very healthy diet. It's great for you. There's a counting cup. RuPaul endorses it. Me (your favorite blogger) endorses it. And, who doesn't love tic tacs.
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From my extensive research and practical knowledge, I know that a tic tac is 1.9 calories a tac. If you eat two that's 3.8 calories. A wonderful way to burn off that excess Christmas weight.

RuPaul is known to have people over for dinner and serve them nothing, but one tic tac. He is a true, gracious host. If only I'd been born on November 17th in 1960, I could have observed the manners of that time period.

I truly do have an infinity for tic tacs. I usually have on in my backpack Their sweet, tangy, and colorful. Just like me. They're like a delicious M&M without the calories. Their a beautiful thing.
I knew of someone who used to only eat the outside of the tic tac. The full 1.9 calories was too much. So, they would suck on it until the candy shell dissolved. I personally think this is how pills should be flavored. Someone please still this idea from me and make it happen. 
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The company that makes tic tacs are God on earth. They make Ferroro Rocher. The pinnacle of chocolate making. Nutella is also manufactured by them. As much as they care about our waistlines, sometimes I think they don't. 
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Tic Tacs are for the better part just mints. Delicious mints, but mints none the best. Their perfect in case you ever find yourself about to make out with someone. You swirl it around in your mouth. The container is pocket sized. You can offer one to your kissing mate. Have to make sure you both are on the same minty freshness. Their perfect.

Now I've never actually cooked with tic tacs. Why ruin the low calorie appeal? But, for you. My favorite people I have done some research and you will be pleased to know that you too can cook with tic tacs.

Oh my. 
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RECIPES:
Tic Tac Pie

1 Baked Eight Inch Pie Crust
2 cups of Instant Chocolate Pudding
2 containers of Tic Tacs

Full recipe at Is It Safe? (here)
Tic Tac Drink
1 part Orange Rum
1 Part Triple Sec
1 Part Orange Juice
1 Part Red Bull

​Full Recipe at Drink Nation (here)
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Orange Tic Tac
2 ounces of Mandarin Vodka
2 ounces of Red Bull
3/4 ounce of Orange Juice

Full recipe at Food (here)
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Tuna, Tuna, Tuna

12/29/2015

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Don't make anything with Tuna. Tuna is disgusting. This is an irrefutable fact. I stand against the institution of tuna. It is not the chicken of the sea. It is gross.

Imagine it. It's a quiet Thursday evening. I have nothing to do. I'm struggling to write a Tasty Tuesday. Nothing unusual about that. I'm thinking to myself, “maybe I'll write about cranberry sauce.” A seasonal favorite. Then, I get a call. The call I've been waiting for. 
The twins ask me if I want to go see A Tuna Christmas. Sure, I have projects to do. Reading to catch up on. Blog work to do, but I say to myself. Live a little. Go see this play about tuna. More importantly write about this play with tuna. Like manna from heaven, God has sent this upon you, so you have something to write about.
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A Tuna Christmas is the second in a four part installment of Tuna wonderfulness. The first is Greater Tuna. The third is the patriotic Red, White, and Tuna. And, the most important: Tuna Does Vegas.
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The twins did theater in high school. I did it for a semester in high school and it made me want to die. But, to each one's own. And, their senior year, they put on a production of Greater Tuna. The comic classic. I would have gone to see it, but I was throwing up. Having a great time losing weight, but to this day they remember that I didn't go to see this play.

Admission is four cans of tuna. I hate tuna. I stole it all from my parent's cupboards. Forewarning to all my potential suitors, if you like tuna. We cannot date. And, if we do, you must give up tuna. It brings back all the worst repressed memories of my childhood. I don't appreciate it.
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The play was glorious and funny. The set was simplistic, we got in by proffering tuna after all. The play is full of eccentric characters. After all, A Tuna Christmas is set in the fictional town of Tuna, Texas. The third smallest town in Texas. 
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It's two hours of spitfire lines and it made me regret not leaving the side of my toilet bowl to watch the high school production of Greater Tuna.

What makes it funny is that all twenty odd characters are played by two actors. It's very low budget. There's fast costume changes. Unhooked high heels. Motorized wheelchairs. UFO's and everyone's favorite chain smoking, gun shop owner, Dee Dee to keep everyone stocked up on grenades.

I loved it and despite the flaw of it's tuna related title. It was a masterpiece of the theater. Exactly what Shakespeare hoped theater would be like in 1989.
Now for your eating pleasure, I have done some research on the “tuna”. I put in “disgusting tuna recipes”. I don't believe there's such a thing as “delicious tuna recipes”, but below are some of the most beautiful recipes I've ever stumbled upon in my life.

Tuna yourself up. Swim upstream. Throw up in your blender and just add tuna. 
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RECIPES:
Ring-Around-the-Tuna
1 package of Jell-O Lime
1/4 teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of Boiling Water
3/4 cup of Cold Water
2 tablespoons of Vinegar
2 teaspoons  of Grated Onion
1/2 cup of Cucumber
1/2 cup of Celery
2 tablespoons of Pimiento
2 tablespoons of Olives
1 can of Tuna

How delicious. 

Full recipe at Lakehouse Publishing
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Trudy's Tuna Noodle Casserole
1 can of Mushroom Soup
1/2 pound of Noodles
1/2 can of French Fried Onion Rings
7 ounce can of Tuna 
1 package of Peas
Cornflake Crumbs 

This recipe makes me say "God is real"

Full recipe at Tastebook
The Virile Mary Tuna Shake
1 can of White Tuna
2 1/2 cups of V-8 Juice 
1 teaspoon of Extra Virgin Oil
2 tablespoon of Lemon Juice
Habanero Pepper Sauce

The drink that everyone wants a second of.

Full recipe at Deep Squatter
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Squashed It

11/3/2015

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Inspiration struck this week from the family garden. The parents having returned from their extended stay away from me for three weeks returned. With this came my father going through the family garden.​

My father. The brilliant man that he is. Created a garden. I'm not sure why. His busy season at work is when a garden requires the most work. He has tried diligently to maintain the lawn by himself this year. After my maintenance last year, he informed me that he would take care of it.
2015 came around and my father made the decision to allow the garden to run free. He was over it. He said he would plant nothing. He stood firmly in this decision. Upon traipsing down into the hell that is the over growth of grass and insects, he stumbled upon squash. Multiple kinds of squash. Massive squash. 
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It was upon seeing these vegetables from the underworld that I realized that I had to honor the gift of god's creation. I had to praise the mighty squash.

Yes. I realize that last week I did a Tasty Tuesday on the pumpkin. That is a squash. This week, I am broadening my horizon. I am celebrating all of the squashes. The butternut. The acorn. The zucchini. Nothing says fall quite like a squash.
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The Butternut Squash
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The Acorn Squash
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The Zucchini
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There are multiple of reasons for the squash. You can put them in food. And, as I've learned from Orange is the New Black, they make great dildos.

Some fun facts about the squash is that it is one of the oldest known crops. It's been cultivated by all of our ancestors. For 10,000 years the mighty squash has reigned over all other vegetables. Of course it has some competition with the corn, but that's beside the point.
According to some internet research I have done the word “squash” comes from the Native American Tribe Narragansett. They referred to the squash as “askutasquash”. Being as formidable as Europeans are with foreign words, we cut most of it out. Askutasquash translates to “eaten raw or uncooked”. I don't know about you, but I've never looked at a nice round squash and taken a spoon to it.
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I've also never fucked a zucchini, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Just like that fan fiction that used sand as lubricant.

I believe squash are also good for building muscle mass. Think about it. People grow these competitively to see who's can weigh the most. Do some curl ups with your neighborhood squash and you'll be buffier then Michelle Gellar.

Speaking of world records. Joel Jarvis is the proud farmer of the 1,486 pound monstrosity. If chopped and dissected it could create 5,000 servings of soup. It weighs as much as a polar bear and finally answered the age old question, “what do people do in Kentucky?”
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Below are some lovely recipes from the family cookbook on what to do if you ever find yourself face to face with a 1,486 pound squash. 
RECIPES:
Squash Casserole

¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Garlic
2 pounds of Yellow Squash
2 cups of Onion
¼ cup of Water
1 tablespoon of Cumin
1 ½ teaspoon of Chili Powder
Salt
Pepper
2 Eggs
1 cup of Pepper Jack
¼ cup of Goat Cheese
1 cup of Tortilla Chips
​1 tablespoon of Butter

Heat butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in garlic and cook until it sizzles. Add squash and onion and toss to combine. Add water, cover, and steam until vegetables are soft, 4 to 6 minutes. Remove lid and continue cooking until all the liquid is evaporated.

Stir in cumin and 1 teaspoon of chili powder. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add eggs and cook, stirring gently, until eggs are cooked through.

Turn off heat and add pepper jack and goat cheese. Cover and let stand until cheese is melted. Stir to combine.

Spoon squash mixture into an overproof dish. Combine tortilla chip crumbs, remaining ½ teaspoon of chili powder, and melted butter in a small bowl. Sprinkle over squash. Set under broiler to brown, 1 to 2 minutes.
Squash Pickles
8 cups of Yellow Summer Squash
1 cups of Sweet Onion
1 tablespoon of Non Iodized Salt
1 cup of Green Bell Pepper
½ cup of Red Bell Pepper
2 cups of Cider Vinegar
3 ½ cups of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Celery Seed
​1 teaspoon of Mustard Seed

Combine the squash and onion in a large stockpot. Sprinkle with salt. Let stand 1 hour.

Add green pepper, red pepper, vinegar, sugar, celery seed, and mustard seed to squash and onions. Bring to a boil.

Pack squash and brine into hot, sterilized jars, leaving ½ inch of head space. Remove air bubbles. Secure flat lids and rings. Process in a boiling water canner bath for 10 minutes or adjust time to your altitude. 
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National Date Nut Bread Day?

9/8/2015

0 Comments

 
Per usual I was struggling for a Tasty Tuesday idea. I considered tweeting out to the world. HELP! BLOGGER! IN! CRISIS!

I refrained. I tried to come up with something. I flipped through this month's Cosmopolitan hoping to find inspiration. I've yet to read Demi Lovato's interview and “Cool For The Summer” has me reevaluating her career. But, I digress.

I went to my usual sources for information and they were dried up like California the day after a heavy rain. If only my tears could replenish them.  
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Filed Under *Demi Fucking Killed This*
Buy "Cool For The Summer"
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Finally, an idea came to me. It didn't so much come to me as I did something I usually reserve for Throwback Thursday. I googled food holidays for September 8th. Now assuming that the website The Nibble isn't lying to me today is National Date Nut Bread Day.

I looked at this result and while listening to Hilary Duff said “what the fuck is date nut bread?”. There is not a family recipe to found in our cookbooks. And, then I realized that I literally had no other option then to push forward with Date Nut Bread as my topic and hope I could create a page of running commentary.
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My first step was to see if Date Nut Bread had a wikipedia page. It does not. That truly is a travesty to man kind. Next I googled “date nut bread history” and much to my surprise there were results. Shout out to all the food bloggers. You all are life savers and I don't mean the chewable mint kind.
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The craziest thing I stumbled upon was the fact that there used to be canned date nut bread. Canned. Date. Nut. Bread. Let me just repeat that again for the people in the back. THEY CANNED DATE NUT BREAD. This is what's wrong with America.

According to one blogger there used to be a sandwich in New York that was made out of two slices of thick date nut bread. Isn't that exciting. I'm not upset that it's distinct. It reminds me of something a grandmother would make. Like giving you a gift card to JC Penny's.  
The most scandalous thing I stumbled upon was that according to one blogger the national day of celebration for Date Nut Bread occurs on December 22nd. A far cry from September 8th. I just want you to know that this did not make me upset. I only started crying and I may have fallen off the edge of my bed. I promise you I'm not emotional.
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What this search has confirmed in my soul is that I hate Tasty Tuesday's. With all my heart like a passionate Italian chef and yes the chef has to be Italian, because it's my inner dialogue.

Now I believe I have stumbled upon some solid date nut bread recipes. Not that I've made any of them. Somehow dense bread and date nuts doesn't appeal to me.  
RECIPES:
Date Nut Bread And Cream Cheese Sandwiches
1 cup of Pitted Chopped Dried Dates
¾ cup of boiling Water
1 ½ cup of Flour
1 ½ teaspoons of Baking Powder
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 teaspoon Cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon of Nutmeg
1 cup of chopped Walnuts
3 tablespoons of Butter
3/4 cup of Sugar
2 Eggs
1 teaspoon of Vanilla
8 ounces of Cream Cheese

Preheat oven to 350°F and lightly grease a 9x5-inch metal loaf pan, set aside.

Add the dates to medium-sized, heat-safe bowl. Pour boiling water over top, stir and let stand 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, stir together the flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a medium bowl. Add the nuts and set aside.

In a separate large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until combined (mixture might look crumbly). Add eggs and vanilla and mix until smooth and combined.

Alternate between adding the flour mixture and the date mixture (including remaining water), 1/2 of each at a time, mixing until combined.

Pour batter into prepared pan and bake 45-55 minutes, until bread is almost completely baked, but a few crumbs still stick to a toothpick inserted into the loaf. The bread will continue cooking after it is removed from the oven, so be careful not to overbake.

Let bread cool for 10-15 minutes, then remove from pan and let cool fully on a rack. Once cooled, slice bread and serve as closed or open-faced sandwiches spread with a tablespoon or two of cream cheese.
Source: Capital New York
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Date Nut Bread 
1 cup of chopped Dates
½ cup of Raisins
3 tablespoons of Butter
1 cup of boiling Coffee
½ teaspoons of Baking Soda
½ teaspoons of Salt
2 Eggs
1 teaspoon of Vanilla
¾ cup of Sugar
½ cup of Flour
½ cup of chopped Walnuts

Put dates, optional raisins and butter in a mixing bowl and cover with boiling water or coffee. Let stand for about 20 minutes. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a 9-by-5-by-3-inch loaf pan. To the dates add soda, salt, eggs, vanilla and sugar. Beat well, then add flour, mix thoroughly, then fold in nuts. Pour batter into loaf pan. Bake 60 to 65 minutes or until a tester inserted comes out clean.

Source: Bangor Daily News
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