Category: Fuck

From Dinner... With Love

2/9/2016

Valentine's Day is this Sunday. Or at least that's what I've been told.

Valentine's is a great holiday. It's spawned many wonderful movies. I think the movie Valentine's Day was very inspired by it. Also, the Valentine's Day Massacre. It's just a great day of love and having money spent on you. It's the first major holiday after the drunken, stumbling mess that is New Year's Eve.

I personally love Valentine's Day. I always celebrate. I wrote about it last year for this Tasty Tuesday. You can read that here. I bake a cake. I watch a romantic comedy. Alone. It's not as tragic as it sounds. This year I'm going into work. Yeah!!!

So, there I was in my MIS class, not listening to my professor, when I said to myself, what am I going to write about, basically what I always think when it comes to Tasty Tuesday's.

Then, it sort of stumbled upon me. What do people do on Valentine's Day? They usually go out to a nice dinner. Maybe see a play after that. There are flowers. Usually red roses. The man leaves a nice tip, unless we're stereotype breaking heterosexual couple or two nice lesbians. My favorite kind of couple personally.

Some of us cannot afford to go out. That's why I, your favorite blogger, am giving you a nice three course dinner to prepare for the night. It screams sex and love. Just don't get pregnant or an STD.

Recently, I've started spending a lot of time with couples. One of them broke up. It saves money in February, but the other two are intact. The gays are going to do something exciting I'm sure. I won't be there. I believe in third wheeling like all good single people, but I do draw the line once in a while. Occasionally I believe couples need “space” and to spend “alone time together”.

I've never dated over Valentine's Day, so I really don't know what the ritual is, but I'm not expecting them to fuck it up.

In the words of Erika Jayne, “I spend all of my time with gay men and strong women.”

That's why I'm surprised I spend as much as I do with this other couple. They're very heterosexual. I'm actually friends with the boyfriend in this relationship and I love that little shit (he's actually taller then me, but that's not the point) like a brother, but if anyone is going to fuck up Valentine's Day it's going to be him.

I'm wishing him the best of luck. I love their love. I ship them so hard it's ugly, but he's so straight it hurts and I'm watching this train wreck with my hand in front of my eyes.

I hope all of you spend this consumer holiday with the one's you love. Whether that be your dog or your cat. If not you can always hire an escort and prepare this dinner for them. Just make sure that the agency is reputable, because getting shanked on Valentine's Day is not the story you want your grand children hearing about you.

RECIPES:
Blarney Stones
4 Egg Yolks
1 cup of Sugar
3 tablespoons of Warm Water
1 cup of Flour
1/3 teaspoons of Baking Powder
4 Egg Whites

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Combine all of the ingrdients, mixing well. Pour the batter into a greased baking pan and bake for 25 minutes.

NOTE: Nothing screams romance like a bread product called “blarney stones”

Tournedos and Bearnaise Sauce
¼ cup of Tarragon Vinegar
½ cup of Water
2 teaspoon of Tarragon
1 tablespoon of slice Green Onions
3 Egg Yolks
½ cup of Butter
6 Filets of Beef
2 tablespoons of Butter
½ teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Pepper

Bearnaise Sauce
Combine the tarragon, vinegar, water, and green onion. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce heat, simmer, uncovered, for 8-10 minutes or until the liquid is reduced to ¼ cup. Strain the mixture into the top of a double boiler.

With a wire whisk, beat in the egg yolks. Cook over hot, boiling water, beating constantly, until the mixture begins to thicken. Beat in the ½ cup of butter, 1 tablespoon of thyme, beating well after each addition. Keep warm. Add just enough cold water to the hot water in the bottom of the double boiler to make it lukewarm.

Filets
Brush the filets with 2 tablespoons of butter and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Broil for 5 minutes, turn, and brush with remaining butter, salt, and pepper. Broil for another 5 minutes.

Serve with Bearnaise sauce poured over the top.

NOTE: Perfect for the carnivorous appetite of your lover.

Isn't this romantic?

Mexican Wedding Cake
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
20 ounces of crushed Pineapple (Do not drain)
2 Eggs
3 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1-2 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees

Combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, crushed pineapple, and eggs beating well. Pour the batter into a prepared cake pan, and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean

NOTE: Included in last year's Tasty Tuesday, this is the perfect closer for your meal, so your lover knows what your true intentions are with them.

Eat A Hamburger

6/15/2015

I'm practically a vegetarian. It's not that I don't eat meat. It's that I don't make it for myself. If I am home alone, I am not cooking meat. I'm surprised I haven't died because of my lack of protein. Black and Sacajawea are both vegetarians and I honestly feel connected to them in that way. If it is just in spirit.

I had a cheeseburger recently when I went out with Joyce to see Pitch Perfect 2 (for the second time). It had bacon, Swiss cheese, the lettuce, the tomato, and sauerkraut. It was surprisingly amazing. Joyce got the same thing. I didn't know about this and when we were ordering I was like what the actual fuck.

I am not skilled at eating even though I've been doing it for 19 years. This burger went every which way, but it was glorious. I couldn't even get most of it in my mouth. Something I should file under things my boyfriend shouldn't know. Joyce did a decidedly better job and it made me hate her just a little bit.

This was my first experience with meat in weeks and it's only because I'd gone out in public. Legitimately after I finish writing this, I'm going to go to the kitchen. Wash up some carrots, steam them, and call it lunch. I don't eat meat.

Five days after this. It is the twins birthday. Obviously I had to celebrate with them. We all went out to this hamburger place in town. Somehow I ended up driving four people there. I don't know how that happened. Of course I was the life of the party. It was an eclectic group of people. They really were a lot of fun.

It hit me during this meal that I was eating yet another hamburger in the space of the week. This one was more manageable to fit into my mouth and for some reason it was on Texas toast. I wasn't complaining. Sacajawea actually loves this place, because they have vegetarian options for the patty. So, I actually could have continued my vegetarianism.

The biggest surprise of the night for me was their heterosexual male friend. The twins were like your going to like him. And, I was like doubtful. He actually was very nice. And, as the youngest person there he was the only one dating someone and it honestly made me a little upset. But, I'm not salty.

Actually the best thing that happened was when I spilled ketchup all over my jeans. It was definitely a fuck moment. Of course we went out after the burgers to get milkshakes at a totally unrelated place. I'm sure no one noticed the red outline on my black jeans.

This is where the other gay friend of the twins makes his entrance. Up to this point I had been the cutest boy there. I'm not going to compete with the hipster heterosexual. And, to be fair I was still the cutest gay boy there. He had on this shirt that had “Dunce” blazoned across it. It was like a jersey. It said “Dunce” and then the number 50. And, I just looked up what a dunce means and it says “a person who is slow at learning, a stupid person”. Well, boo you stupid for wearing that shirt.

There honestly wasn't anything that went right with this outfit. He also had on Tom's which by themselves are not a bad thing. But, he had on knee high socks with them. And, I've seen him before with ballet socks, so I'm like bitch. Then, he has on shorts. Also not the biggest problem. But, they're those tacky jeans cut off at the knee and they don't even make his ass look good. The entire moment was who let you walk out of the house this way.

Needless to say there's no animosity lost between the two of us. We're basically the epitome of best friends.

I say all of this to offer you the hamburger recipes I grew up with as a child. Enjoy. Embrace them. They are the Utonium family stronghold.

RECIPES:
All American Burgers
1 lb. Ground Beef
1 chopped Green Onion
1 minced clove of Garlic
1 tablespoon of Soy Sauce
½ tsp. Pepper
1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
¼ teaspoon of salt

Combine all ingredients; form into patties.

Grill

Beef & Tomato Burger
1 pound of Ground Beef
1 tablespoon of Sun-Dried Tomatoes
1 teaspoon of Lemon Zest
¼ cup of Mayonnaise
2 tablespoons of Fresh Basil
1 seeded and chopped Jalapeno
4 Onion Hamburger Buns
Fresh Spinach

Combine ground beef, tomatoes, and lemon zest. Shape into 4 patties. Grill until done.

To make the sauce, combine the mayonnaise and jalapeno pepper.

Town Burgers
1-2 tablespoons of Olive Oil
2 pounds of Ground Beef
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper
1 tablespoon of Butter
1 tablespoon of chopped Parsley
4 English Muffins
4 slices of Tomato

Form burgers, then season generously with salt and pepper on both sides. Wipe down skillet with olive oil before heating over medium-high heat. Char the burgers well on both sides, about 4 minutes per side. Just before the burgers are done, remove them to a wire rack to rest for 5 minutes.

Divide the butter evenly on each burger and sprinkle with a little parsley. While the burgers are resting, toast the English Muffins. Return the burgers to heat through. Place a burger on each muffin and top with a tomato slice.

Freedom Fries

5/19/2015

Do you remember that? Years ago when people started calling them Freedom Fries instead of French Fries. Someone needs to stop conservatives sometimes. That was such a mess. Let's not forget that the French still everything from the Belgian. So, really we should have just called them the Belgian Fries and been good world citizens. But, you know what we didn't. Weren't we upset with France for not wanting to go to war. That is such a mess. It's like calm down America. Not everyone needs to blow something up.

So, today I'm going to teach you about how to make French fries. Actually the three recipes I have are all baked, so it's like go on a diet and eat French fries. It's kind of amazing. I also keep typing fries as “fires” so if I don't catch it, I just wanted you to know what a mess my life is.

The French Fry needs to be worshipped. It's probably the best thing that the American culture has ever embraced besides the shopping cart. French fries are salty greasy heaven. I was out with Joyce recently and all I got was french fries. She judged me. I don't okay. French fries are life.

There are so many types of fries. Crinkle fries, steak fries, skinny fries, deep fried fries. Just fries in general. Fries can be dipped in anything. A milkshake, the ketchup, the ranch. I'm partial to dunking my fries in ranch. I have no shame in admitting that. Boomer absolutely hates ketchup. So, together we're just an odd group of people.

All my acne probably comes from my love for French fries. I think that's perfectly acceptable. French fries are amazing. Do you remember Freaky Friday. The remake, not the original when Lindsey Lohan is eating French fries in Jamie Lee Curtis's body and Jamie Lee Curtis gets really upset in Lindsey Lohan's body about how their going to go to her thighs. Good times.

Lindsay Lohan: You cannot eat fast food
Jamie Lee Curtis: Why not?
Lindsay Lohan: Because, it will go down your throat and drop instantly to my thighs.

When I was out for my sister's wedding. This was a while ago. It was like 8th grade year and all the girls were getting their hair did. It took forever. I wasn't getting my hair did and my mother got me French fries from this place next door. One of my sister's bridesmaids was about 10 years old. Annoying as fuck. My mother being a kind hearted person let her share my French fries.

I was hungry. I did not want to share. And, this little girl kept saying “I'm not hungry”. Proceeded to eat the entire bag of French fries. Fuck her the little cunt. Made me so mad. I still want to punch her in the face. Do not come between me and my French fries. I will fucking cut you.

This is where the real war is going to start. Where do you like to go get your French fries. I'm basic as fuck and I like me some McDonald's. Good, salty, and hot. Just like my men.

There really isn't such a thing as bad French fries. Always get a large, because you know you want them. Just don't be the people who get their fries at Wendy's and is like these are the best ever, because you are fucking lying to yourself. If you've got a hometown place to get your fries. Live your life. Be original. Just don't be a French fry snob.

RECIPES:
Sweet Potato Oven Fries
2 Sweet Potatoes (peeled and cut into fries)
1/8 teaspoon of Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Paprika
1/8 teaspoon of Garlic Salt
1/8 teaspoon of Cayenne Pepper

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Spray a baking sheet with cooking spray, then place the potatoes in a single layer on the baking sheet. Bake them for 15 minutes, turn them over, and bake for an additional 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, combine the salt, paprika, garlic salt, and cayenne pepper. Set aside.

Sprinkle the fires with the seasonings, tossing to combine.

Roasted Sweet Potato Wedges
2 Sweet Potatoes (peeled and cut into wedges)
1 teaspoon of Olive Oil
½ teaspoon of Curry Powder
¼ teaspoon of Salt
¼ teaspoon of Cumin
1/8 teaspoon of Cloves
1/8 teaspoon of Pepper

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

Combine the sweet potatoes, olive oil, curry powder, cumin, cloves, and pepper. Place them in a single layer on a baking sheet, and bake for 25 minutes, or until they are done.

Steamed Crisp Potatoes
4 Potatoes (thinly sliced)
1 cup of Chicken Broth
2 tablespoons of Butter
1 teaspoon of Salt
½ teaspoon of Pepper

Place the potatoes in a single layer in a skillet, season with salt and pepper, then pour ¾ cup of chicken broth over the top. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes or until the broth is absorbed.

Remove the potatoes, deglaze the plan with the remaining ¼ cup of chicken broth, add the butter, and return the potatoes to the skillet, cooking them until they are crisp.

Swamp Biscuits

5/5/2015

Some say it's too much. And, by some I mean me. Is it too much Ivy Levan in two weeks? I want the answer to be yes and then she's so flawless that I feel no guilt. As usual I was struggling with what to write about for Tasty Tuesday. And, then an unidentified flying biscuit hit me in the face.

I was listening to Ivy Levan's “Biscuit”. AGAIN. Because, it's just so good and I was jamming, trying to figure out what I was going to do. Then, I realized. What is the title of this song

“Biscuit”

What is also a food product?

Biscuits.

Who can do a Tasty Tuesday on Ivy Levan. Spotlighting how amazing she is while at the same addressing the struggle that is Tasty Tuesday. Some fun facts about the song “Biscuit” is that it's a metaphor for the vagina. Turn up. I know. It's all about oral sex and I feel it. I would definitely say it's among the best female odes to vaginal pleasuring.

Granted the only other one I can think of is “Holy Water”. That's a Madonna song and just as sacrilegious as you would imagine. I definitely think that Rihanna's “Cockiness” counts. At some point she says “I love it when you eat it”. What is he eating? Probably not the box of chocolates he bought his girl on Valentine's Day.

Buy "Holy Water"

Buy "Cockiness (Love It)"

I have no answer as to why a biscuit is a metaphor for the vagina. Someone who is more creative then me can leave a comment and explain it to us all. Preferably an English major. You all know what's up when it comes to bull shitting imagery.

For the most part I exist on carbohydrates alone. Any type of bread you can think of. I was at lunch today and this girl showed me something that said “*flirting* What kind of bread do you like?” And I was like me and she was like me. And together we both realized we were meant to be with each other for the rest of our lives. Except not.

Bread is a holy experience. Jesus broke bread. Probably. Communion has bread like products that are involved in it. Bread is really the only reason to live. That's where the old colloquialism came from anyway “the best thing since sliced bread”. Things just don't top bread.

For the first time in at least a solid month all of the recipes I'm putting down are real Bubble Righted tested and approved. I enjoy the bread products and shout out to me for baking once in a great while. Sometimes you just got to make your own bread products. There are desperate times.

Bake safely. Do not burn the house down. And in the words of RuPaul:

RECIPES:
Baking Powder Biscuits
½ cup of Shortening
2 cups of Flour
1 tablespoon of Sugar
3 teaspoons of Baking Powder
1 teaspoon of Salt
¾ cup of Milk

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees

Using a food processor, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt, pulsing until it resembles coarse crumbs.

Add the milk, pulsing until the dough leaves the side of the bowl.

Turn the dough onto a lightly floured surface and knead it lightly 10 times. Roll the dough to ½ inch thickness and cut with a round cookie cutter, placing the biscuits on an ungreased baking sheet about 1 inch apart. Bake the biscuits for 10-12 minutes, or until they are golden brown. Remove the biscuits from the baking sheet immediately and serve warm.

Buy "Biscuit"

Brioche
1 cup of Milk (scalded)
1 cup of Butter
2 teaspoons of Salt
½ cup of Sugar
2 packages of Yeast
¼ cup of lukewarm Water
4 Eggs
4 ½ cup of Flour

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees

Add the butter, salt, and sugar, to the scalded milk, stirring until the butter is melted. Set aside.

Sprinkle the yeast into the lukewarm water, add the eggs, mixing well. Add the milk mixture, beating well, then beat in the flour. Let rise for 6 hours.

Chill until to ready to use.

Form the dough into 1 inch balls, brush with butter, and let rise until they are double in size. Bake for 20 minutes.

Corn Bread
1 cup of Flour
1 cup of Yellow Cornmeal
¼ cup of Sugar
4 teaspoon of Baking Powder
¾ teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
1 cup of Milk
¼ cup of Canola Oil

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

Combine the flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Add the eggs, milk, and canola oil, beating it until the mixture is smooth, about 1 minute. DO NOT OVERBEAT

Pour the mixture into a greased bread pan, and bake for 20-25 minutes.

Popovers
1 ¼ cups of Flour
¼ teaspoon of Salt
2 Eggs
1 teaspoon of Sugar
1 cup of Milk

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees

Combine the flour, salt, and sugar, mixing well. Gradually add the milk and eggs, beating thoroughly.

Heat a well greased popover pan until it is hot. Pour the batter into the popover pan until each is about ½ full and bake for 27 minutes.

Reduce the temperature to 300 degrees, and continue baking for another 3 minutes.

Chapel of Love

2/10/2015

This might be the most depressing thing ever. Every year on Valentines Day I celebrate. As one does. I am perpetually alone. That is not said. Until this year there wasn't anyone I wanted to spend Valentines Day with and I am slowly but surely getting over him.

Honestly being single has not been a bad life. This ritual I amassed has really came around from just wanting to celebrate a holiday that I don't really have any reason celebrating. I have a Valentine's Day play list, the top of which includes Bette Midler's fantastic “Chapel of Love”.

Buy "Chapel of Love"

It's all about the big day and love and spring and the enchantment that is getting married. Or at least I think it is. I've never gone through the marriage proposal. I was in one of my sister's weddings. I might have been in my oldest sister's wedding, but I don't remember. I feel like I was. Who knows. I'm sure I was cute.

I just don't know how people my age are getting married. I realize I am slow on the uptake. Still haven't had that first real kiss. Haven't gotten as far as what you would call a date and yet these other people have rings on their hands. WTF.

There's this one girl in my math class. She's 18, 19. My age and she is engaged and moved out of the house into this apartment complex. Her man is a mechanic and it's just too much. Of course I say that and J. Lo's engaged as well. It happened in October or November.

She's been dating this boy since high school. I'm fairly sure he was her first boyfriend. He's like a year older then her and they got engaged. I'm just like do as you will. I have no opinion. I can't get a boy to buy me black coffee at McDonald's let alone have a continued relationship with one. Lord I can't even get my crush- former crush to spend time with me.

J. Lo's boy toy is in college to be a youth pastor.

Gag me. Gag me, now. It makes me throw up in my mouth. Going into college, getting into debt, to do something you don't need any training for. Most people use the Bible as a user agreement that you don't read, you just press agree to. You don't need educational training for it.

Her fiance is very nice, though. I like him. Thunder's engaged to. She is four years older then J. Lo and who knows I might be in the wedding. It's going to be in May and it's going to be beautiful. You know she asked me if I need a plus one.

This bitch knows I am single as fuck. My plus one is going to be Rosencrantz. We went to prom together, so I feel like this is a good pairing. Speaking of love, the Mayor of Townsville has a really cute boy in one of her classes. He's hipster and has a bun. And, he sounds hot. But, I have no type, so ignore me.

I'm telling her just to sit next him. Like you don't have to talk to him. You don't even have to make eye contact. Just sit next to him. And, if somehow the opportunity arises for you to make conversation, who knows. And, she's sexy as fuck. This could work. She's hipster.

Of course as great as love is, that has nothing to do with what I do on Valentine's day. I make a wedding cake. A full blown wedding cake. Usually I don't decorate it, because that's too much effort and I watch a romantic comedy and cry. Actually, I don't usually cry. What I do is I go out and buy a new romantic comedy I've never seen, I come home, bake the cake, stuff my face, and watch the movie.

It's a great plan. I make the weirdest wedding cakes, though. Be forewarned. I think it's completely depressing, but I love it. This year I'm breaking the tradition. I'm not baking a cake. I'm just going out to see 50 Shades of Grey and love every minute of it.

God, I hate love.

RECIPES:
Mexican Wedding Cake
2 cups of Sugar
2 cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Soda
20 ounces of crushed Pineapple (Do not drain)
2 Eggs
3 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
¼ cup of Butter
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
1-2 cups of Powdered Sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees

Combine the sugar, flour, baking soda, crushed pineapple, and eggs beating well. Pour the batter into a prepared cake pan, and bake for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Yellow Sheet Cake
2 ¾ cups of Flour
2 teaspoons of Baking Powder
¾ teaspoons of Salt
16 tablespoons of Butter
1 ¾ cups of Sugar
4 Eggs
1 tablespoon of Vanilla Extract
1 ½ cup of Milk

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease a baking pan and line with parchment paper.

Whisk the flour, baking powder, and salt together.

In another bowl, beat the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy about 3-6 minutes. Beat in the eggs and vanilla until combined for about 30 seconds.

Reduce the mixer speed and put in one third of the flour mixture and a half of the milk. Repeat step. Then, beat in the remaining flour until just incorporated.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan. Bake the cake for 25 to 30 minutes. Let it cool for two hours. Run a knife around the edges. Flip the cake over and serve.

NOTE: No one said that the wedding's I was attending were classy.

Frosting
3 sticks of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Heavy Cream
2 ½ teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
¼ teaspoon of Salt
3 cups of Powdered Sugar

Beat the butter, cream, vanilla, and salt on a high speed for 1 to 2 minutes. Reduce the mixer speed and incorporate the powdered sugar until smooth about 4 to 6 minutes. Increase the mixer speed and beat frosting until it is light and fluffy about 5 to 10 minutes.

NOTE: This is what I call the jilted groom. Why make the cake when you can just eat the frosting instead.

Get High. Get Wrecked

12/30/2014

The next holiday after Christmas is New Years Eve. This is a universal truth and I have taken inspiration from Charli XCX and her very catchy song “Break The Rules”. Get high. Get wrecked.

Now, you know the struggle is real for me when I do Tasty Tuesday's and I have done three in a row. I needed some divine inspiration. Also, I am not suggesting you get high on New Years Eve. That is a mess. You could get arrested. Pulled over. Go to jail. Don't do it.

I am also not a proponent of get drunk on New Years Eve. Or any day really. I am just an easily stressed out person. People take advantage of you when you're wasted and if your friends are wasted what kind of protection is that. It isn't any. I just can't drink to intoxication in public. At the same time. Live your life. Get turnt the fuck up. It is New Years Eve.

Buy "Break The Rules"

Mind you I am not of drinking age. This is not legal, but if I was going to get rat ass drunk. These are the alcoholic beverages I would make. Obviously I've never had any alcohol, because I am not 21. However, I am not really a straight up alcohol kind of person. I do not like beer or rum. I don't understand that. I was at a party and this girl asked me if I wanted some rum.

Really? Rum. That's the best you got there. I did turn her down. I was driving and I was not here for it. Let me quantify that my experience with parties is two. I have been to two real parties.

Boomer has more experience then me. WTF is that. Really. He doesn't drink either. He just dances really awkwardly and I'm just like, that's my baby. Honest to god he's so awkward, but I love it. He's also in love with a basic white girl. I might have told you this last week, but that's okay. Boomer has only been my best friend for ten years. I can tell him anything.

I did kind of step around telling him about my crush like I kind of did, but I also didn't. I was a practicing asexual for most of high school, and it wasn't until this summer that I was like it's actually okay for me to acknowledge that I'm attracted to people.

It's been the hardest thing for me to do. Just for me to be like side note, he's really hot. Has taken so much effort. Of course when it does strike midnight on New Year's. I for one would like a hardcore make out session with crush to occur.

This will not happen. First he's five years older then me. So, he will be drinking. Probably in a public place and let's say I was in the same place. I really don't want the first kiss with someone I like to be a sloppy drunken ritual that he just kind of did. I want him to be completely sober, for him to know it's me.

Speaking of alcohol, guess who almost spent all their money so they could go on a trip to Europe over spring break. Me. I did.

This made total sense in my mind. Because, the drinking age in Europe is lower or non existent. It made sense. I know I almost lost my mind. Not only was I going to spend all that money going to Europe, I would have had none left over.

I know me. I will buy so many clothes in Europe. So many. I will not understand conversion powers and I'll be like it's only 10 euros. I will be swept up in Valentino and my card will be declined. I need to prepare myself. And, I would much rather spend a semester abroad, then just a week. So, I put my foot down on that.

When I do study abroad, I will even turn on my location thing on twitter. Just to prove to you all. I really am in Europe.

End point of this whole thing. Drink safely. Be careful. Find someone sexy to kiss at midnight. Make sure they don't have a cold sore and if you're staying at home like me. You really can get wasted.

RECIPES:
Artic Sunrise
¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
½ ounce of Tequila
1 ½ teaspoon of Grenadine Syrup
6 Ice Cubes
1 slice of Orange

Using a blender, blend the orange juice concentrate, tequila, and ice cubes together. Pour it into a glass and top it with the grenadine syrup and an orange slice.

Cafe Chocolate
1 cup of Coffee
1 tablespoon of Chocolate Chips
1 pinch of Cinnamon
1 pinch of Cardamom
2 teaspoons of Brown Sugar
¼ ounce of White Creme de Cacao
1 dollop of Whipped Cream

Stir the coffee, chocolate chips, cinnamon, cardamom, brown sugar, and crème de cacao together. Sppon a dollop of whipped cream over the top.

Swinger
4 ounces of Orange Juice
1 ounce of Vodka
¾ ounces of Amaretto
2 teaspoon of Lime Juice

Shake all ingredients together with ice.

Upton
¼ ounce of Rum
¾ ounce of Pineapple Juice
2 teaspoons of Orange Juice
2 teaspoons of Lemon Juice

Shake all the ingredients together, with ice.

Let's also be honest. I do not want the good girl Anne Hathway kiss. I'm definitely more into the skank Mandy Moore bubble gum popping kind of tongue rolling.

White Russian Shake
1/3 cup of Vanilla Ice Cream
2 tablespoons of Milk
1 ounce of Vodka
1/3 ounce of Kahlua

Using a blender, blend all ingredients together.

Rockin' Near The Christmas Tree

12/24/2014

Just so we are clear, “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” is not one of my favorite Christmas songs. I can bop to it, but it is not my jam for life. I just felt it was an appropriate title. Our Christmas tree is this massive eight foot tall monstrosity and its always pushed near the corner. You can't really dance around it. You could say that you can dance near it, but that is a little bit of stretch.

This is basically a rough outline of how to get your Christmas on.

The first step is decoration. When decorating for Christmas, remember that there is no such thing as too much Christmas. It is one month out of the year and it's supposed to be over top. My family gets turnt the fuck up.

Now you would think that we're the kind of people who put our lights up, turn on that Celine Dion before Thanksgiving. No. that is not what we do. We honor the November holiday, then tear the house apart the next day. This is usually a good three day process. Bring all the boxes down. Actually try to find a place to put everything.

We are the family that does not share our Christmas warmth and celebration. There are no lights hanging up outside. Think of the electricity bill. My father is stingy.

Actually we do have snowman lanterns if you want to call them that. We shove some stakes in the ground and hang these solar powered snowmen up. However, we moved that to the back of the house this year, so our neighbors can't even it. We do have a wreath, although it's not a wreath. It's actually a placard that says “Happy Birthday Jesus” and then we have a garlandesque thing on the mail box.

As a family we are not friendly to our neighbors. The one neighbor we talk to, forced themselves upon us. Our family is just not social in that regard. We keep to ourselves. We do not acknowledge our neighbors. I swear when they wave at me. I'm like, I do not know you like that. Put your hand down.

Once you've managed to put three Christmas trees in one room. You are prepared for the onslaught of company. You will of course need musical leviation. What I love about Christmas is that this is the one time of year you can shove singers onto people and no one really has a problem. The way I structure my Christmas compilation is via CD. My mother has this practically antique five disc CD changer and I select five CD's and put it on random.

The ones I'm for sure picking this year are going to be Celine Dion's These Are Special Times and Bette Midler's Cool Yule. Legit these are the two Christmas albums I listen to all December long. Usually I do some Amy Grant, but I am just not feeling her this year. What I am definitely feeling are Sheryl Crow's Home For Christmas. It has this very bluesy earthy feel. Then, I was thinking we would go all teen pop and choose between either Hilary Duff's Santa Claus Lane or the Cheetah Girls and their Cheetahlicious Christmas.

At this point you really have to throw some male voice in for variety. Obviously, I would pick RuPaul and his fabulous Ho, Ho, Ho but my parents do think he's the devil himself. So, that's not happening. From here I'm thinking a compilation of Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra or Cee Lo Green's Magic Moment.

Cee Lo really would be the obvious choice, but I'm just not feeling him. The music is good. I just don't really appreciate his rape comments. I might be overly sensitive to things like that, but it really kind of offended me. I probably will pick him. I don't know. The funny thing is I bought that album with money my parents gave me to buy food. Before I started working that's truly how I attained a music collection. I would take my money I was supposed to use for food and buy music. You were hungry for a few hours, but you had music for a lifetime. It was worth it.

Now as the host of this bitching Christmas party, you do need to consider mistletoe. Ours is always strategically placed over a table, but know the kind of people you're inviting. This is really a consideration. Also , what you are going to wear. This is the one time out of the year you see a lot of these people.

I already know what I'm going to wear. This great red tartan plaid sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans. I was thinking maybe wearing a different color, but I want to be sexy. Maybe put a bow in my hair to look even more like a present. Even, though crush will not be there. It's a good thing he won't be. First, I would have to move the mistletoe, secondly I would be a terrible host. I would ignore everyone to talk to him. It would not end well.

I mean I relate to “What Are You Doing New Years Eve?” to much as it is, so this is not a good idea.

The one thing I have not mentioned is the food. Read below for what I'm doing. I am not doing candy this year. Some of it's a lot of effort and people just don't seem to eat it. I'll probably make the eggnong recipe I mentioned in the We Oughta Be Drinking article, but this is basically it. I don't know how holiday themed it is, but it works. The only thing I don't do well on is appetizer foods. For me Christmas is junk food, it is sweets, but people like the real food at Chrismtas parties. So, far the only thing I have is this cream cheese spread.

I was also thinking maybe like a hot dip that you could like dip bread in. Like have a warm baguette off to the side and this good creamy dip. I don't know. Also, cupcakes, because you can always set them up really cute and arrange them. Below is what I am making. It's going to be so good. Like even if no one shows up, I will be content.

RECIPES:
Jalapeno Cream Cheese Spread
8 ounces of softened Cream Cheese
½ cup of Jalepeno Jelly
1 package of Crackers

Place the block of cream cheese on a platter.

Pour the jalapeno jelly over the cream cheese

Serve with crackers

Holiday Almond Bundt Cake
1 1/3 cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Orange Juice Concentrate
1 tablespoon of Orange Zest
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 1/3 cup and 2 tablespoons of Sugar
5 Eggs
5 Egg Yolks
¾ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1/3 cup of Cornstarch
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 cup of Heavy Cream
2 cups of Berries

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees

Prepare the bundt cake pan. This involves coating it with cooking spray and pouring sugar over it. You will want to dump the excess sugar out.
Melt the butter, orange juice concentrate, orange zest, sand salt. Set aside.

Combine the 1 1/3 cup of sugar, eggs, egg yolks, and vanilla extract, mixing well. Gently fold in the flour, cornstarch, baking powder. Fold in the butter mixture by hand until it is well mixed. Spoon the cake batter into the bundt cake pan, baking for 60-70 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean.

Cool the cake for 10 minutes in the pan, then invert it onto a cake plate.

Beat the heavy cream with the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar until stiff peaks form.

Serve the cake with whip cream and berries.

Brown Sugar Cinnamon Snowflakes
1 ¾ cup of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 ½ teaspoon of divided Cinnamon
¾ cup of softened Butter
1 ¼ cup of Brown Sugar
1 Egg
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 tablespoons of Sugar

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking powder, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon. Set aside.

Cream the butter and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture, beating until it is well blended.

Refrigerate the dough until it is firm enough to roll. Roll the dough to 1/8 inch thickness and cut out the shapes using a snowflake cutter. Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet.

Combine the remaining ½ teaspoon of cinnamon and sugar. Set aside.

Flatten the cookies slightly with a glass that has been dipped in the cinnamon-sugar mixture. Bake for 4-6 minutes, or until they are slightly brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, pipe white icing onto the cookies.

Cashew Dreams
1 cup of softened Butter
6 tablespoons of Sugar
1 teaspoon of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Flour
1 ½ cups of chopped Cashews
1 ¼ cup of Powdered Sugar
1 ½ tablespoon of Milk
½ teaspoon of Vanilla Extract

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

Cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla extract until it is light and fluffy. Add the flour, beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the cashew mixing well. Roll into 1 inch balls and place them on a greased baking sheet, baking for 8-10 minutes, or until they are light brown.

Remove the cookies to a wire rack to cool. When they are cool, combine the powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla extract, stirring until it is a spreadable consistency. Spread the icing onto the cookies allowing the icing to harden.

Chocolate Chip Cookies
2 ¼ cups of Flour
1 teaspoon of Baking Soda
½ teaspoon of Salt
1 cup of softened Butter
¾ cup of Sugar
¾ cup of Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
2 cups of Chocolate Chips

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt, mixing well. Set aside.

Cream the butter, sugar, and brown sugar until it is light and fluffy. Add the eggs and vanilla extract, mixing well. Add the flour mixture beating until it is well blended.

Stir in the chocolate chips, mixing well. Drop by the teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet,baking for 9-11 minutes, or until they are golden brown.

Remove from the baking sheet to a wire rack immediately.

Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Brownies
5 ounces of chopped coarse Bittersweet Chocolate
2 ounces of unsweetened chopped coarse Unsweetened Chocolate
8 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter
3 tablespoons of Dutch Processed Cocoa Powder
1 ¼ cups of Sugar
3 Eggs
2 teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
½ teaspoons of Salt
1 cup of Flour
1 ½ teaspoon of Instant Espresso

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line an 8 inch square baking pan with a foil sling and grease the foil. Melt the chocolates, butter, cocoa powder and instant espresso together in the microwave, stirring often, 1 to 3 minutes. Let the mixture cool slightly.

In a large bowl, whisk the sugar, eggs, vanilla, and salt together. Whisk in the melted chocolate mixture, until combined. Stir in the flour until just incorporated.

Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake the brownies until a toothpick inserted until the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached 35 to 40 minutes.

Let the brownies cool completely in the pan, set on a wire rack, about 2 hours. Remove the brownies from the pan using the foils.

NOTE: A foil sling is two pieces of aluminum. That cover both sides of the pan. When, I read it I thought it was a really cool idea. You just pull the ends of the foil out and the entire brownie will come out. I hope that makes sense.