Category: Video

I'm Poor

6/22/2016

I think this summer I'm going to start a series of post discussing how poor I am. Last week I started the discourse of surviving “summer on a dime”. This week I bring you the chaos that is older technology.

My poor, sad laptop has finally died, but not quite. The keyboard is what's not working. Not sure why, but honestly it was time. It's held together by duct tape. And, it's not as if I run an unsuccessful blog. I recently bought a new one with my last paycheck. It's stopped the “treat yourself” mentality I was trying to institute, but I think that's a good thing. Saving money is always a good thing.

I have however frankensteined it into working. I connected a desktop keyboard into one of the ports and now here I am typing to you. It might not be pretty, but I'm not destitute yet.

My eagerly anticipated weekly youtube videos will return once all these technical difficulties get worked out lol.

The most heartbreaking thing happened to me recently. Te Amo (the love of my life) informed me that she's working as resident counselor at her school. She's leaving this Friday. I'm crying. My baby is leaving me just like she does two semesters every year.

I'm also playing matchmaker. All it costs me is a little gas and some free time. Sacajawea's boyfriend has moved to Atlanta. He's on academic probation. Skipped one of his finals to smoke pot and I said to myself, “now is the perfect time to break up a three year relationship.”

I've been shoving her and my bestie Boomer together. Sacajawea already loves him and he loves her and he wants love. I told him. In the words of Donna Summer “love will always find you”. Also, relationships are shit. He said to me, “that's easy for you to say. You hate everyone.”

He knows me too well.

Miss Sara Bellum and I have been spending our summer as we always have. Together. We watched the RuPaul's Drag Race finale together. I told her Bob was going to win. She still believed in Naomi Smalls and her legs. She was surprised.

I've been trying to set Miss Sara Bellum's and my mother up together. Not in a romantic, relationship way. Although, I would personally love some good lesbian moms.

I'm afraid my match making is not going as planned. They've hung out. And, they like each other, but I don't know if they want to be friends. I want them to go to the farmer's market on Saturday and buy pantyhose together. All the things old ladies do with each other.

I was thinking they might even join the red hat society. That would be fun, put on a purple dress, and a red hat and drink tea, and talk shit about men. That's what I do with my time off after all and I have a blast.

The summer has been hot and sticky. I don't have a summer fling yet, but I also don't have the money for that. So, instead I've been at home watching The Price Is Right and eating yogurt, doing yoga, getting ready for that beach body I'll never get to show, because the closest body of water I have is a lake. Summer is the best.

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First Week Of SChool

9/15/2015

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Picture it. I was with the twins. I said to them that I didn't know what to write about for a What's Happening Wednesday. They told me why don't I write about school. I told them I may only have eight readers, but I try to be more interesting then that.

And, yet here I am.

I should preface that my well adjusted self (I had relatively few emotional breakdowns this summer in comparison to the school year) has crashed. Everything is falling apart and my life is a train wreck, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

On Sunday I was with the twins. The day before class starts. And, I was casually discussing the hate comment I received on my video “Tip Thy Waiter”. Both Joyce and Black have claimed it as my best. So this isn't actually related to my emotional breakdown at school, but I'm working there.

Needless to say, I showed them the comment. And, they saw the name of the person who commented and they said isn't that Waldo's real name. You see Waldo is his nickname. That's why I never put it together. I've seen Waldo on a few occasions, but we weren't friends. We also weren't enemies.

The worst part of discovering that my hater is someone I know means that I'm not famous. I'm also confused why he would say it. Waldo is everyone's timid boring next door neighbor bisexual. Honestly, I'm not sure how I was supposed to respond. You can use homophobic slurs all day long, and I'll be like #accurate. Apparently Waldo has been dating a nice boy who bags groceries. All this boy wants to do is have sex in the back of his car. And, my response to Waldo through the internet is to ask him whether it's a nice car or not.

I ran into someone that I kind of sort of liked. I never talked about it on the blog. It was an the end of the school year kind of thing. I thought I was over it. Of course I knew I wasn't and here I am typing out this article emotionally unhinged.

My first day look was the same one I wore on my trip to St. Louis with the twins. It was summery and bright. For some reason one of my fellow homosexuals decided to step his A game up. He's always had nice hair, just not the way he styled it. He has nice clothes, there just not put together well. Yet, here this little bitch is in my Detective Fiction class looking more then decent. What the fuck.

Let's not even talk about Math 106. That's not just a simple math class, but calculus based. Shout out to my math teacher for pointing that out. That is filed under information I didn't need to know.

Warner also didn't sit next to me. He sat next to this other boy who I'm sure is very nice, but what the fuck. He should have sensed that my aura is approaching and waited for me. I can be a very petty homosexual. Side note that I ended up sitting next to this girl who is so gorgeous it didn't matter that my outfit could have been in the pages of Teen Vogue I looked like a wet paper towel next to her. The girl was ***Flawless.

I also refused to acknowledge Warner in public. I'm petty. I like being texted first. I like being acknowledged first and I don't apologize. He didn't say hi to me until Thursday.

He's unobservant as fuck. I'm actually texting him right now and ignoring his message. To be fair I didn't see when he texted me this Monday until Wednesday. He said “Surprise Bitch!” and it took all my good will not to ask him why he was trying to be Emma Roberts.

We might have a volatile relationship. Let me correct that. One of my coworkers said I should drop this friendship and part of me agrees with that. But, as petty as I can be I know I'd miss him if I didn't talk to him.

Emma Roberts stars in the new Fox series Scream Queens that airs on Tuesdays.

I also went to the GSA meeting. This year I will be a proud member of the Gay Straight Alliance. Most importantly I will be active. I introduced myself as a Freshman Marketing Major. Multiple people had to tell me I was a sophmore. That was awkward. And, yes my favorite superhero is Green Lantern. Ryan Reynolds looked sexy as fuck in that movie.

That was a Wednesday. It was my last day with the twins. I got pulled over getting home. Hyperventilated, cried. The officer was very nice. Then, I got stuck in traffic for an hour and thirty five minutes where I occasionally shouted “WHY IS THE TRAFFIC SO BAD!”. It took twenty minutes to get through one light. On the bright side I did get to listen to the entirety of Sheryl Crow's Tuesday Night Music Club, so that was exciting.

Of course our plans were time sensitive. We were going to play trivia with our mothers. You may or may not know that our team name always has Beyonce it. One team's name was “We Are Always Beyonce”. Much like Warner they should have sensed our aura. We had of course not been to trivia recently. We'd been in St. Louis. Wisdom teeth (not mine) had been removed. Trivia had not been our plate.

BUT THESE LITTLE BITCHES STOLE OUR NAME.

I am not upset about this. Salty, perhaps. But, upset no. We lost terribly. They helped to not dilute our brand recognition. The questions were based on The Office. I know that John Krasinski is married to Emily Blunt that is the extent of my knowledge.

That was my week. Now I'm here typing, waiting to go see Joyce receive $10,000 for being an awesome student. I'm not kidding. That's the gist of it.

Until next time where hopefully my life involves more then school starting up.

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The Life of a Famous YouTuber

8/19/2015

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Per usual there is nothing exciting going on in my life. I was just sitting here listening to Shakira (specifically the Donde Estan los Ladrones? album), and I said to myself why not write about what it's like to be a famous youtuber.

Well. First of all. Famous might be stretching it a little bit or a lot of bit actually. My most viewed video is “I'm Giving Up Boys For Lent” and honestly those views came around from me posting that to twitter a million times over., then from anyone actually watching it.

I do feel like I've accomplished something, though. I got a thumbs down on one of my videos. It was one I did on Fergie, Gwen Stefani, and Hilary Duff. It's called “Baby Come Back (It's Your Fault)” and I talk about there long breaks in their musical careers and what they need to do to get back at the top of the charts.

I guess someone did not like what I had to say on the topic. That's really not my problem. I know I was right. This is also one of the few videos I have with solid camera lighting. I'm a blogger for a reason. I'm not the most beautiful person. In fact I'm the second most unattractive youtuber. Or at least I was until Shane Dawson fixed his hair.

I know everyone in middle school was obsessed with him and his hair. Honestly, it was a look. You can make your own conclusions on how good you think it was or not.

The youtube channel is supposed to be a way for me to promote the blog, but I do a really bad job at that. I don't even talk about the blog that often. I do on occasion, but for the most part I don't. So, I guess it's really for you my eight readers. Although, if I'm being honest I'm fairly sure I'm counted as one of the readers. So, it's really just for you my seven readers.

I suppose you could say that my youtube channel is a runaway hit in that regards. I have more then eight views on all my videos, so that's something to be proud of. I actually have 18 subscribers (two of those are me). If you haven't subscribed, I don't know what your doing with your life. Support your friendly neighborhood indie vlogger.

That's how I should market myself. The indie vlogger for the masses. People would love it. It's going to be my new tagline. I'll finally be famous.

I prefer blogging to vlogging, though. I don't know what it is about making videos, but it's very emotionally draining. I prefer this. Sitting here typing. Putting pictures together and blogging for you. I might vlog, but it's something I would give up. I wouldn't give up the blog. There are times when I'm like gots to get this blog post done, but it never crosses my mind that I should just stop.

Someone recently told me that they feel like their seeing me, because of all of my social media and everything. That means I'm doing this right. Your seeing the real me, but it's also a little sad. That someone I'm friends with can not feel the need to see me, because they already do.

I don't know. If you haven't already started watching my videos. Don't. My voice is quite annoying. I think it's very stereotypically gay. Which, actually everything I do is. I just don't know what to say. Have a great week? Watch a video I've made? Subscribe? Follow me on twitter? Buy Hilary Duff's Breathe In. Breathe Out on iTunes or get the deluxe edition at Target?

Buy Breathe In. Breathe Out.

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Tear It Down

6/24/2015

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Two new pieces of artwork have been installed in my bedroom and bathroom. One is geometrical and sexy and the other one is a park bench that I have hung up the wrong way. Your probably asking yourself. How much did this artwork cost. It was free.

You probably weren't asking this question, but quite recently my school decided to tear down one of the buildings on campus. Actually, it wasn't recently. They made this decision two years, but they just now got around to actually doing it. They had this whole celebration regarding it's demolition. As per usual my school tries to be fancy and it did not succeed. There was a marching band that was not very good and the only people who showed up were like eighty years old.

Black and I decided to go and it was honestly so exciting. They told us to take anything we wanted from the building. It used to be the arts building on campus. It was a treasure hunt.

Mind you I was doing all of this in my walking shoes. 6 inch blue platform wedges. There my most comfortable shoes and it really wasn't a struggle, but I could tell everyone else was like you are going to die. For some reason there were lockers in this building. It was the oldest building on campus and at some point they decided lockers were necessary.

There was a lot of mess in these lockers. Teddy bears, a box of chocolates, a stack of video cassettes I took. Black and I are going to watch them at some point this summer. Different versions of the phrase “Co Gai Bo Long” are written on all the sides. Do I know what that means? No. I am hoping this isn't some version of the ring? You better believe it.

We also found this ornate green candy dish. It was in one of the lockers for some reason. I don't have any answers for this. I don't think my school has even torn this building down, yet. It's a mess. We ended up finding all of the art in the basement.

The basement scares me. Joyce and I cleaned a room down there for this art project this year and she tried to leave me in there alone and I was like try again. We had this project at school and we graffitied up one of the art rooms. You can see my polka dots on one of the walls. I'm a very talented artist.

It's a cool building. The heating and cooling system just doesn't work. It's also supposed to be haunted. Some woman apparently hung herself in one of the stairwells. A mother and her child apparently froze to death in one of the archways. One of the older people was telling this story, so I might not have it right. It honestly doesn't make sense to me, but that's the story.

All of these spirits are supposed to be in the attic. I don't know why they decided to habitat the same place, but okay. One of the programs I'm in had an annual tradition of telling ghost stories in there for Halloween. I'm sure it was terrifying. I'm just thinking if we tear this building down aren't the spirits going to be in the new building. It's supposed to be finished my junior year and we'll see how well that goes.

The new building is modern and retro and plated with glass and I love it. There was this huge reveal by the President of the new design and I was just like lol one of my teachers showed me these pictures the day you revealed them to the faculty.

It was really great to reminiscence in a building that I never had a class in. I would go in once in a while. I almost fell down a flight of stairs when I was by myself there. That is the amount of my happy memories there.

I wanted Thunder to go, but she was doing something with the boy toy and I was like okay. It was just such a fun day. Do things like this. They might be silly, but I got to spend time with Black who also got some awesome artwork. It was just so nice. That was just a great day.

I spent the rest of it with the twins, because it was there birthday. And, if you want to know about that, it was the subject of my last Tasty Tuesday.

Link to: Eat A Hamburger

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Let's Talk Shit

12/17/2014

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My life has been exceedingly dull.

My classmates, however. I don't know what is happening to them. They have lost their minds. Let me tell you.

Let's start away from my lovely school at dear friend J.Lo's dorm and her dorm mate. Now J.Lo is Thunder's sister. I would say we're friends. Great friends, best friends for life. No. But, we enjoy each other's company and that's a good of place to start as any for a friendship.

Her roommate I know. I've known this girl since the 4th grade. For the sake of protecting the not innocent we will call her 'dumb bitch'. So, this dumb bitch is going to herself kicked out of school, arrested, raped, or killed. Possibly all of the above.

In high school she was I'm such a good Christian girl. Now she's acting popular? She was so drunk two weekends ago that five people had to carry her home. Note the words 'five' and 'carry'. Dumb bitch. It's one thing to drink. It's one thing to get a little wild. But, you could not even stand. You were so wasted it took five people to carry you home.

This is not a wet campus by the way. There is not supposed to be alcohol. So, needless to say it would have been hard to explain why an 18 year old was so piss ass drunk it took five girls to carry her home.

A few weeks ago we had a foam party on my campus. I for one am not about to go to a foam party Paris Hilton isn't hosting. And, there is this very gay boy in my English class. I think he's a sophomore. Well, needless to say him and this boy went to the foam party. For the sake of cohesiveness we will call them 'A' and 'B'.

Well, A and B got real drunk. Not as drunk as dumb bitch, but drunk enough. They had very loud, very passionate sex in a shower. This is how you know they were really drunk. It was not even in one of their showers it was in one of the girls dorm rooms.

I cringe thinking about it. This is not meant to be. I'm worried they didn't remember the condoms. They were in someone else's bathroom fucking each other. I can't imagine what kind of lubricant they were using.

There was also an orgy on campus. For some reason this is not as bad as dumb bitch's story. I'm like that seems like a terrible idea, but the person who told me about it remembers it. There was alcohol involved, but it wasn't that bad. Although, according to my source, a brother and sister were involved. I only got their side of the story, so I do not know if the brother and sister participated in the orgy together or if they participated in the orgy together.

I will keep you updated.

A friend's sister is also in rehab. She called her parents drunk, while doing cocaine and meth. There's that little scandal for you. She is in rehab, she should be fine.

A coworker of mine has a sextape out. She is a minor. She's not super pretty. I have not seen the video, but apparently it's just her masturbating. I cringe. And, she apologizes all the time. I cannot handle it. Stop apologizing to me.

Your entire high school has seen you finger yourself. Get your life together. Why are you apologizing to me. You need to be apologizing to God. To your parents. To your brother, because you both share the same cloud account. Did this girl not hear about Jennifer Lawrence. This will be out there forever. She also has braces. This is not the kind of sex tape you shrug off and say I look really hot in.

That's life for you.

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Frat Boys For Disney

11/13/2014

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Let me tell you about October.

It is a horrible month. This is the month of Halloween and breast cancer awareness. I am emotionally scarred and at the same time very appreciative of an event I succumbed to. One of the sororities on campus's did a beauty pageant of Disney princesses in order to raise money for Breast Cancer awareness.

Except, they had the fraternities become the princesses.

Now let's start back at the beginning of this week. When the burlesque Jenny Lewis tells me about this wonderful event. Of course I am excited. I don't talk about RuPaul enough, but I am obsessed. I love him. Everyone loves him. He's RuPaul. So, I want to see this drag show.

Of course I am scheduled to work. My employer always seem to insist on ruining my life. Thank you for that. So, I am not able to go to this little charity event. However, my beautiful co-worker agrees to take my shift. Thanks boo.

And, at 6:30 I am there on campus to meet Jenny in the lobbyish area of her dorm building. She is late. To her own building. She walks in after me leaving me there uncomfortably with all these rude boys playing ping pong with Starbucks in her hands. Hello, bitch.

The, event started late. It was supposed to start at 7:00. 7:20 that has not happened. So, Jenny and I are sitting there together. Not really a group, but just sitting there talking.

When this large group of blondes is walking towards us. We know all of them. I am going to be sociable, acknowledge the fact that I know my English class. Who also happen to be the people we spent the weekend with. They refuse to look at us.

They think now that they are part of a sorority that they are popular. No you are not. You have a clique, a group of people your welcome in. That does not give you any room to ignore two people. If they think that won't be on the back of my mind every time they ask for something. They are very mistaken. Rude.

Of course the very gay boy from our English class also ignored us and he sat on the same row as us. Along with a small group of straight boys. I don't know how he managed that. Kudos to you. With, him it doesn't surprise me that he didn't wave or say hello. He is 'popular'. People think he's so funny. He isn't. To me. He just makes me uncomfortable. So, I am fine with him choosing not to acknowledge to the sexiest people in the room.

The show starts with a choreographed dance. These frat boys were not prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for this. It was horrible.

The swimsuit competition was worse. Considerably worse. I didn't expect this to be part of the night. At all. I already knew they weren't attractive. This did not help anything. This is also where they finally introduce who all of the princesses are. There was so much cultural appropriation going on. Mulan was black. Tiana from The Princess and the Frog was white as hell. Snow White or someone like that was black. It was just rough all the way around. In a hundred years, I need video of this never to be found.

Some of the boys also kept their beards. They had to sign up for this by the way, so they weren't forced into it. Own your role. Shave your beard. You are not Conchita Wurst. This is not cute. A lot of them were not that outgoing. Something about putting a boy in a dress makes them uncomfortable. I don't know why.

The talent part of the competition was rough. Some tried singing. Some tried a little dancing. One boy DJ'd. Cringing. Mulan was great. Apparently he did martial arts and he went for it. It was a moment of slay Mulan slay. That boy looked a lot like Miss J from America's Next Top Model. I wanted to him to win. He did not.

There was one boy who was Jane from Tarzan and he had this whole skit. It was not funny. It was basically Jane trying to understand football. Others laughed. I did not. The only skit that worked was Cinderella's. She danced, she swept, It was beautiful. She got picked up by Prince Charming.

This is where you knew it was a straight boy. His legs were all open. Slut. Close your legs to married men.

The final portion revolved around a Q&A. They were all themed questions. The boy who played Tinkerbell killed it. He rehearsed, he practiced it, and he nailed it.

Interviewer: What do you like best about Neverland?

Tinkerbell: All, the pretty little boys.

It might have been funnier in person.

The one that got me was Rapunzel. She answered her question in a feminine voice as she did in all other parts of the competition. Then, when asked if she had any facts about breast cancer, he used his regular voice.

It was my math tutor. I didn't recognize him until he dropped his voice. I have been tutored by a drag queen. All of a sudden I wanted him to win.

He did not. Jane did. That cunt. I was not here for it. I did not like Jane. I wanted Mulan. I wanted Rapunzel. But, no because the all male judging panel thought the football skit was funny, she won. That skinny bitch.

Rapunzel did get third. It was horrible way to the end the night.

Will I go next year? I don't know. I still need time to recover.

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All My Couture Comes From Goodwill

10/18/2014

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I popped some tags in true Macklemore fashion two weeks ago.

Both Miss Sara Bellum and The Mayor came back for the weekend. I hadn't seen them, since a few days before college started back in August. It had been a while. They were back in town, so they could see their high school's new play. They told me it was good. I didn't get to see it with them. I had to go to work. I would have been free all day Saturday, but my general manager decided that we are no longer allowed to ask off from work, because we were a 'abusing' the privilege.

Forgive me for telling you when I can't work.

We decided that we were going to fly by our whims in our activities that day. Of course I had some thoughts in mind. We could go see Sex Tape, especially now that it was at the cheap theater. I could always borrow what Rosencrantz and I always do, and go get cupcakes at this cute like shop that's downtownish.

The twins had their own plans. We were going to the thrift shop in search of flannels, sweaters, and jean shorts. Goodwill was stop number one. It was an experience. I never shop at places like this. It is so much fun, though. Go with a friend and laugh and cry at these clothes. That is what we did.

I was actually rather successful in my shopping. I got these oversized sweaters that don't fit me at all. The kind of thing I would never buy for retail, but at three dollars you're like why not. They're fantastic. I'm going to look so hipster this winter. Be prepared world. Tight jeans a sweater will be my wardrobe.

We of course tried on things we had no intention of ever buying. I tried on this great pimp jacket with some faux fur. Although, I might have actually bought it if it fit me. Just so I could have it. Sarabellum and I posed in it. Me as da pimp and her as da side hoe. We looked really sexy, just to let you know.

After that we finished it up at the Salvation Army. That was a productive event for me. I found another sweater. It was this mint, aqua color and I tried it on. Oh, honey boo-boo child. It was like a baggy crop top. I did not even walk out of the dressing room. It was really bad.

The only clothing item I bought was this hounds tooth jacket. The label says Christian Dior. I mean anything's possible. I love this jacket. It has shoulder pads and everything. It's terrible and great. People are either going to say I have great style or wonder what the fuck I'm wearing to school every day.

We even stumbled upon the music section of the Salvation Army. That was a rough little area. I wasn't looking for anything. What could I possibly find. The Mayor however pulled out a Hilary Duff compilation from the mire and handed it to me.

You might have been able to guess that I love Hilary Duff. I only write about her for the blog basically every week. And, the Mayor has known me long enough to know about this. I own most things with Hilary Duff in it. I have strong foundation of her music, I have all her studio albums, but I'm missing a few things. Like, I don't have the Cinderella Story Soundtrack or the song “Any Other Day” from the What Goes Up Soundtrack. So, when she saw Hilary's Most Wanted collection I had to have it. There were only three songs on it I didn't have, but I'd considered buying the What Goes Up Soundtrack for one song, so it was worth it.

The check out process was definitely the most fun. We watched this woman get fired in front of our eyes. We are in line. And, there's this older woman with this gray wispy hair tied up in a bun, a large cross around her neck. Her name is Lydia.

This younger woman comes up behind her and says, “Lydia, you can go on break.”

That did not please Lydia. She yells at her that she was “tired of her treating her like shit.” From there it just slowly escalated from go on break, to go home, to your getting fired today. All this time we are standing there not able to purchase our lovely clothes and CD.

It was a wonderful day. I haven't spent time with people outside of school and work since school started. I have been meaning to see Rosencrantz, but it just hasn't happened. Sacajawea has been rushing and doing sorority things and I can't keep up with that. Really, the only person I've been spending time with is Thunder and that's because we drive to school together. And, we're in the same program in school.

It was so great to see people. And, spend time with old friends. My Barbie sweatshirt also came in that day. Really, other then the nightmare that was work, it was great. Although, Miss Sara Bellum and the Mayor told me that they had actually seen my Barbie sweatshirt in Forever 21. Was it in my local Forever 21. No. Let's also talk about how the day after I ordered it they did a free shipping promotion. Sometimes the world is out to get you, and I'm really not here for it. It's just like calm down world. Go to Goodwill and get you some Louboutins.

Buy online at Forever 21

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Essentially, I'm Cleopatra

10/1/2014

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I went on a camping trip recently. I keep calling it a camping trip. It wasn't a camping trip. It was a retreat. It had cabins. I stayed in a cabin.

It was freshmen retreat for this program I'm in, so that we can bond with each other. I did a really shitty job at actually bonding with people my own age. Go me. Mainly, I talked to three people I already knew and two of the seniors helping with the trip. Although, I'm not actually sure if she was a senior.

She wants to be an actress. Or at the very least she wants to act. The finer points of it escaped me. But, we shall call her the Actress. I'm definitely in love with her. She asked me if I wanted to work out with her. I don't know what about me made her think I was someone who worked out.

I didn't turn her down. I was like sure. If your going when I have a break between classes. Of course. Now, if she really was serious, I hope it is not labor intensive. I hope it's like let's all run at our own pace on the treadmill. My pace would be walking and it would be like a bonding moment. The other senior, I talked to was involved in this discussion as well. He's fantastic. I love him so much. And, he actually is going to work out with the Actress.

We'll come up with a name for him. I'm thinking Brick from the Rowdyruff Boys. We had a very enlightening conversation about Vogue. He said have you tried British or Italian Vogue. I don't speak Italian. So, no.

He says to me, if you know Spanish you can figure out Italian. You see I didn't take Spanish in High School and I barely passed French. I can't even begin to imagine me trying to reading French Vogue. I realize he's four years older then me, but it kills me that he has a firm enough grasp on another language to suggest reading a magazine in a foreign language. That will never be me.

I hope he doesn't hate me or dislike me. Granted he did allow me to pronounce his name horribly wrong without bitching me out about it. So, that's probably a good sign. And, when we went outside to get his cigarettes he did give me his blanket, because I was cold. I don't know why I'm so stressed out about it. I just don't want him to hate me.

Ignoring that. The trip itself. The food was okay. It wasn't great, but you know it was a weekend retreat. Where no one showered by the way. Now I did. But, I don't blame anyone who didn't. You see there wasn't a lock on the bathroom door and there was no real convenient way to get out of the shower without being totally naked.

I did not actually sleep in my bunk bed. I fell asleep at about 5:30 in the morning between the Burlesque Jenny Lewis and Brick. Actually, I wasn't between them. I was on the complete opposite side of Jenny. The semantics aren't important. We were late to breakfast. And, we were also taking a group picture that day. So, I had to look good. So, of course I took a shower. And was more then a half hour late to the breakfast that started at 8:00 in the morning.

I told you how Jenny has this beautiful make up she does. She did not do that, that Sunday morning. There was no way. She put on this big sunglasses to hide her face. God we all looked so ratchet that morning. It was like the walk of shame. My hair was everywhere and I was wrapped up in a blanket. It was rough.

There was no participation from me in any of that morning's activities. Otherwise known as Bazooka Ball (I don't support gun violence) and mud bathing. I am not a pig. This is not a spa. I don't see Reese Witherspoon.

I was so incredibly anti-social that morning. The only thing I really did was the canoeing. Three people could fit in one canoe, but there were only two paddles. When I saw a group of two going for that canoe. I latched onto them. I sat in the middle and let them row me around the lake. Essentially, I was Cleopatra on the Nile. I did not say a word to them. It was beautiful.

We also had to write letters of advice to ourselves to open in four years. I do not want to hear the advice from the current me in four years. I will probably have deleted this post in four years. People evolve. I don't think about middle school me. That wasn't just a ratchet time in my life it was catchet. My letter basically went “Hey, sexy bitch. You looking fucking fantastic.” Because, in four years I'll still want to be told I'm beautiful. It will be an uplifting moment. I really hope I don't have to read it aloud. I hope someone else doesn't read it aloud. That would be worse. At least if I read it I could censor it. All of this happened while I was listening to “Anaconda” of course, because what better inspiration could you have to write a letter to yourself.

I keep ignoring the day before. There was a lot of singing. I mean Disney songs. There's a point where you just have to say fucking let it go already. I blame all of this on the bonding moment that was walking the woods in the dark, with no flashlights, just the man who owned the campground leading us. I was petrified. It was terrible. Then, we had a campfire. Where I was accused of eating all the Oreos. I had three and a half. I hardly ate all the oreos. Come at me bitch. Come at me.

Dodge ball was also something we did. I enjoyed it actually. But, it wasn't the dodge ball part that I enjoyed. It was more the disco/ dodge ball combo. There were black lights, a disco ball, loud music. It was kind of everything. I got turnt. I did this very sexy move on the wall where I danced with myself, that was great. I just had a really sexy time where I called everything sexy. Oh, what a sexy potato that is, oh that child falling was sexy. There was really no rhyme or reason to me calling things sexy. God. I was so annoying.

That's not true. Yes it is. I was so annoying, but I wasn't close to the worst. There was this girl who was from California. Literally everything she said had that thrown in. The fruit here isn't as sweet as it is from California. It's because of how far you have to ship it.

Bitch maybe you should try getting fruit from Target instead of the gas station before you starting bitching about our fruit.
It's sixty degrees outside. Oh, my god it's so cold. I'm from California and it doesn't get that cold there.

Bitch. I lived in California most of my life. I lived in Southern California. It does get that cold. Kill yourself.

You know what I love about this place, is that I'm from California and all of you have accents.

Bitch. We are not your token black friend. Back the fuck up.

These are just the ones I remember. People were like why don't you like her. Because, she's so god damn annoying. Is she so basic that everything she says has to include, “I'm from California.” Go back there you factory reject dildo. Her parents are still in California. She's the one who chose to move out of her natural territory. Go back. We don't need you.

This is what I told her roommate when she asked me, why I didn't like her. And, I'm fairly sure California girl knows I don't like her. She kept giving me these dirty looks. I'm like that's right bitch. I don't like you.

At the end of all of it we had to do these surveys for the group leaders about what could be improved on our experiences. The whole time, I wanted to say get rid of California girl, but I held back. Because our president is all, we're a family, we take care of each other, we love everyone. There is forty of us. I hate to break your heart, but there's going to be people who don't want to be around each other.

I did resist temptation and at every turn. I was like get rid of this hike. I don't want it. Send it to California. Just don't put it near me.

There was even a scale of 1 to 5 for an overall quick summary. 5 sounded like I just saw Beyonce in concert. 4 sounded as if I was forced to go see TLC without Left Eye. So, in all good consciousness I could not put five down. So, I gave it a 4.8.

We were also forced into stating one thing we loved about the retreat. I felt so guilty. All these basic bitches were like that hike was the best. All the while I'm sitting there being like, I shot that down at every point on that survey. Sorry boos.

I am also sorry to that honey boo boo child, I shot down for her obsession with Taylor Swift and liking “Shake It Off” and being excited about 1989. I mean I do shamelessly own all of her albums and I'm probably going to buy it anyway.

So, you all can judge me. I know Brick did when I told him. He took his eyes off the road- we were on the freeway mind you- to give me the dirtiest look. I swear. He might be bitchier then me.

I think I've fond my soul mate.

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