Always Remember

"You are only given one spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
- Robin Williams

I am crying so hard right now. It's five minutes past midnight on August, the 12th and it has finally hit me what happened yesterday.

I will always remember this day and the circumstances surrounding it. I was sitting at the dining room table. An actual dining room table. Ten chairs were pulled up and we were playing Cards Against Humanity. I'm reading my card aloud, when a good friend says “Robin Williams is dead.”

I assume its one of her cards and I reply back flippantly, “It has to be because CBS canceled The Crazy Ones.”

“No. He killed himself. It's on CNN.” Or whatever fucking website found out first. It doesn't really fucking matter.

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I get rid of everyone at about 11:30. And, I still haven't come to terms with it. Or accepted it. I'm thinking even as I'm making my way upstairs that it was probably just some elaborate hoax.

Then, I get on tumblr and I realize what has happened today. I have lost someone who was important to me. Someone who was important to a lot of people. Twitter is blowing up with it. So, much that I still haven't freaked out about Valerie Bertinelli responding to what I tweeted her.

I am emotionally distraught. I love what Gaga said on twitter, “Rest in Peace and laughter Robin Williams. Perhaps this tragedy will shed light on a serious subject of depression. You made us all so happy.”

It's so accurate. How could a man who filmed The Dead Poets Society not know that there was someone who cared about him? How did he not know that we cared. That I cared. That the world is so upset that he isn't here with us.

It makes me want to tweet every single celebrity I love and I say, “I love you boo.” I don't know who you are, but I love you and I want you to know that. 

"Robin Williams was an airman, a doctor, a genie, a nanny, a president, a professor, a bangarang Peter Pan, and everything in between.  But he was one of a kind. He arrived in our lives as an alien -- but he ended up touching every element of the human spirit.  He made us laugh.  He made us cry.  He gave his immeasurable talent freely and generously to those who needed it most -- from our troops stationed abroad to the marginalized on our own street."
-President Obama

How could this happen. This is Genie, this is Mrs. Doubtfire, this is Good Morning Vietnam. How did no one realize that he was upset. I am still sobbing right now.

The last time I cried like this was my sophomore year of high school. I was in my computer class on May 17th when I found out that Donna Summer had passed away from cancer. I broke down right there. I cried.

I may have never known Robin Williams personally, but he was a family member. And, if you have lived at all. He was a part of your life. And, he will forever be missed. I hope there is a heaven. Just so he can laugh. Just so there is something good that comes from something bad.

We love you so much and we will miss you even more.

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Reach out to the Born This Way Foundation if you are struggling with depression, mental illness, or addiction. You are not alone