Category: Dead

The Ten Week Break

9/30/2015

Way back when in June, Sacajawea and I were supposed to run a 5k and by run a 5k, I do mean walk. She made the decision to not participate a week before the race. Some friends were stopping in from out of town. This would have been the first time we had spent time together, since school let out.

I spent a nice day out on the town (see the only instagram pictures I have with the twins) and Sacajawea said to me that we should hang out. As a way of apology.

Ten weeks later it finally happened.

For ten weeks, she said we should do something. We work for the same place of sophistication. She knew my schedule. She can say we didn't have schedules that worked for each other. She was taking summer classes. Still after ten weeks there is a lack of prioritization. Obviously, being near her boyfriend's dick was more important then me.

There's also a boy in my Business Law class that looks exactly like her boyfriend. Just stockier and more filled out.

It was almost 11 weeks that our friendship had gone unsustained over the summer when she finally said that we should go to church. That is our aesthetic. We go to church. I hadn't been to church in so long that I was practically an atheist.

I thought our friendship was dead and if we didn't work together it would be for all intensive purposes. After ten weeks, I thought there was no return. But, in a true sign of love and support, she has asked off Sunday's so we can work together.

Lord let it be put on the record that she was the heathen keeping me from church. Also five minutes after we left the service I called an old friend a “skank bitch.”

Her sister went with us. It was a great moment. I love Sacajawea's sister. She's so great. I feel like her and me together would make a Miss J Alexander. I haven't seen her in a good bit of time. Enough time that I'd grown a few wrinkles and had to start lathering on the sunscreen before I turned into a Louis Vuitton bag.

We caught up on everything. How me and this nice Christian girl bonded over glass dildos. As Sacajawea said “why does she have to be Christian?”

Sacajawea was also glad that I dressed “normally”. I had considered throwing on my jersey with the number 69 emblazoned on it, but I decided in my final moments not to. Recently, someone said to me that they dress in a way “that respects their school.” It was very clear that the implication was that I'm the whore of Babylon who doesn't respect anything.

A shirt with my age and favorite position on it pic.twitter.com/lWs4KQjar9
— Bubble Righted (@BubbleRighted) August 6, 2015

I suppose she wasn't wrong.

In other news Sacajawea and I have rekindled our friendship. We'll finally be the good Christian's we were meant to be.

0 Comments

The Love Suicides at Amijima

3/18/2015

0 Comments

I'm so sorry that my life is so boring that the most interesting thing that's happened to me recently is an English paper I got back. It was a paper that analyzed nature in this Japanese play The Love Suicides at Amijima.

I knew my essay was pretty shitty to be honest. It was legitimately horrible. I wrote it at midnight after I got off of work. It was rough, but I actually read the play so I was like I got this. Being the intelligent college student that I am, I e-mailed my professor and I was like hey boo. Can I stop by your office and talk about this. She's all like yes.

I go to her office and there is one chair. It is a stool that technically has a back. My professor is this amazonian woman. I wear heels to her class every day just so I have a height advantage. She sits me down and makes me grapple for what she wants in this essay. The only thing she tells me is that “I should incorporate the bush” from the first act.

Of course I told her I would do that. I do not remember this bush. I am like the fuck. I go home looking for the bush and there is no bush. How am I supposed to add a bush into my paper when there is literally no bush. Still I improve my paper as best as one can and I turn it in on Thursday.

Two weeks later I am in class and she hands them back. I am not expecting an A plus, but certainly a solid C. There is legitimately an entire page marked out of my paper. Entire sentences are rearranged. There are arrows pointing at everything. I get to the back page and my grade is a D minus.

Your favorite blogger got a D on a paper. I'm fairly sure the only reason she gave me a D is because she didn't want to go to the trouble of putting a number grade down for an F. Literally the only thing I did right was turn this paper in on time.

Honestly, you would think this was the worst part of my week. It didn't even phase me. The worst thing that happened is when this girl I sit with at lunch was all like LOL not coming. It was a Tuesday and I had all these melodramatic tweets about how Drake lied to me. The club does not go up on a Tuesday.

Needless to say I can't really fail this next essay. I went hardcore on it. It's insane bullshit. I took all of her criticisms and compartmentalized them. Her question of why is there so much plot summary (It's a four page essay bitch what am I supposed to write about) has been answered by me literally not explaining the plot of Candide and just throwing examples out there. I didn't have enough analysis? Candide is now the story of god being an irrational source of violence.

I read my essay and I was like this is all bullshit. Hopefully it offends my protestant teachers rather large heart. It reads like I think god is dead. That's what she's going to think and I see no reason to dissuade her of that notion.

Fingers crossed that your favorite blogger doesn't fail English class.

0 Comments

Let's Talk Shit

12/17/2014

0 Comments

My life has been exceedingly dull.

My classmates, however. I don't know what is happening to them. They have lost their minds. Let me tell you.

Let's start away from my lovely school at dear friend J.Lo's dorm and her dorm mate. Now J.Lo is Thunder's sister. I would say we're friends. Great friends, best friends for life. No. But, we enjoy each other's company and that's a good of place to start as any for a friendship.

Her roommate I know. I've known this girl since the 4th grade. For the sake of protecting the not innocent we will call her 'dumb bitch'. So, this dumb bitch is going to herself kicked out of school, arrested, raped, or killed. Possibly all of the above.

In high school she was I'm such a good Christian girl. Now she's acting popular? She was so drunk two weekends ago that five people had to carry her home. Note the words 'five' and 'carry'. Dumb bitch. It's one thing to drink. It's one thing to get a little wild. But, you could not even stand. You were so wasted it took five people to carry you home.

This is not a wet campus by the way. There is not supposed to be alcohol. So, needless to say it would have been hard to explain why an 18 year old was so piss ass drunk it took five girls to carry her home.

A few weeks ago we had a foam party on my campus. I for one am not about to go to a foam party Paris Hilton isn't hosting. And, there is this very gay boy in my English class. I think he's a sophomore. Well, needless to say him and this boy went to the foam party. For the sake of cohesiveness we will call them 'A' and 'B'.

Well, A and B got real drunk. Not as drunk as dumb bitch, but drunk enough. They had very loud, very passionate sex in a shower. This is how you know they were really drunk. It was not even in one of their showers it was in one of the girls dorm rooms.

I cringe thinking about it. This is not meant to be. I'm worried they didn't remember the condoms. They were in someone else's bathroom fucking each other. I can't imagine what kind of lubricant they were using.

There was also an orgy on campus. For some reason this is not as bad as dumb bitch's story. I'm like that seems like a terrible idea, but the person who told me about it remembers it. There was alcohol involved, but it wasn't that bad. Although, according to my source, a brother and sister were involved. I only got their side of the story, so I do not know if the brother and sister participated in the orgy together or if they participated in the orgy together.

I will keep you updated.

A friend's sister is also in rehab. She called her parents drunk, while doing cocaine and meth. There's that little scandal for you. She is in rehab, she should be fine.

A coworker of mine has a sextape out. She is a minor. She's not super pretty. I have not seen the video, but apparently it's just her masturbating. I cringe. And, she apologizes all the time. I cannot handle it. Stop apologizing to me.

Your entire high school has seen you finger yourself. Get your life together. Why are you apologizing to me. You need to be apologizing to God. To your parents. To your brother, because you both share the same cloud account. Did this girl not hear about Jennifer Lawrence. This will be out there forever. She also has braces. This is not the kind of sex tape you shrug off and say I look really hot in.

That's life for you.

0 Comments

Charity Gala

11/26/2014

0 Comments

A few Saturday's ago now, I worked a charity gala. They had a silent auction, fancy food, and a true live auctioneer later in the night. The women wore black and navy blue. The men looked bored and ratchet. It was a wondrous event.

The day had already started out well. I'd spent the earlier part of the day with The Mayor and Miss Sara Bellum, and their friend they brought home from college. I've told you before that we don't live in the same city anymore and they told me that they were bringing this girl home, I shall call, “Lisa Marie”.

Now, they said I would like her. I was not so sure. I was informed that she did not eat fish, because of some environmental threat or something. Reasonable, yes. Obnoxious, yes because I like my sushi. The real kicker, though was that she didn't like Gwen Stefani's new song “Baby Don't Lie”.

Who is this bitch. That was my question. It turned out it was one of there other roommates who didn't like “Baby Don't Lie” and I actually really liked her. She is cute and adorable and we got Bubble Tea together. Everything, I might add. I even like those tapioca pearls, do not judge me. I just really liked her.

Buy "Baby Don't Lie"

It also didn't hurt that she wanted to read my article on my former blog. I've known the Mayor and Miss Sara Bellum forever, it naturally came up in conversation. Lisa Marie asked the pertinent questions of what happened. I told her there was a four page article dedicated to the whole thing if she wanted to read it.

And, she did. She described it as “intense”. That is about accurate. I only had a constant knot of nerves, the entire time. I should not be blogging if I couldn't convey some of that emotion.

Now, I want to say I donated my time to this event, because I'm a good person. I am a good person, but I wanted to wear red in front of the wealthy upper strata. I learned in psychology you look the most attractive in red. I want to give myself the best possible chances of finding love with a wealthy individual.

It was not meant to be, but I had so much fun. These people were so pretentious. My job for the four hours, while the gala was going on was to clear the tables of the dirty dishes. What even. I loved it. I might add I got free delicious food.

This was a gala mind you. The food was the shit.

My favorite part was the auction. A weatherman from my childhood was the host. I hated this man. I swore I was going to punch him in the face if I ever got the chance. I did not punch him. It was an opportunity missed. He was undeniably sexist in his presentation and he had a pot belly. It made me so happy.

One of the speakers was even the co-anchor on his show. She was this shorty, curvy woman, and might I add she rocked it. Then, I found out from one of my classmates that all of her cards had been declined at the Gap where she worked. The anchorwoman was broke.

At about eleven everything was getting taken down, but some people we're still hovering, so we weren't able to do everything.

That's when this woman, who's an alumni of my school starts talking to us. She was this sophisticated, glamorous woman, and as she's walking away, informs me that she likes my style.

I was shocked. How do you respond to that? Mind you she'd never seen me before, so she didn't know if I had consistent style, but she still said it. As a poor college student, I can't believe I made that impression. I was trying to impress my crush and this woman with the kind of money that doesn't wait for a sale tells me I dress well.

Let me lay my wardrobe out for you. A cheap plain red t-shirt, black skinny jeans from the men's department, that fake couture jacket I got at the Salvation Army, and my dead grandmother's scarf. I was the epitome of ratchet, but it worked.

The director of the program I'm in, even told me on Monday that I looked good. I slayed it and I didn't even know it. Maybe I should turn this into a fashion blog.

LOL, I'm too poor for that.

I will keep you updated on the crush. I'm in that weird phase of, he's all I want to talk about and the only thing I don't want to mention to anyone. I should be seeing him next week, so that's exciting. Keep in my mind that this is a horrible idea. I shouldn't like him. He's older then me. Too old actually, and I don't know. It's a bad idea. I keep telling myself that.

0 Comments

The Ten Week Break

The Love Suicides at Amijima

Let's Talk Shit

Charity Gala

About

Archives

Categories