This happened about six weeks ago. I have been wanting to tell you, but I was like this is so embarrassing. But, it really isn't. It's just who I am and if Tyler Oakley can tell us about his one night stand, where this man took his hair products, I can tell you this.
So, there I was on my way to the bank. I was going out to dinner with a friend I call Rosencrantz (Or is it Guildenstern?). I had to stop by the bank, so I would have money to tip the waiter. I looked hella good. I was wearing my tightest jeans, a good shirt, and actual shoes- not sandals. An improvement for me. I was even having a good hair day.
But, from this point on, I avoid police officers. I appreciate what they do, but I don't want them near me. This is where I have started doing this shady as hell thing. Whenever I see an officer I pull over, I avoid them, I go a different way then them. Whatever it takes
I'm stopped at a red light. Then to my surprise, this squad car pulls up next to me. The light turns green and I'm going, but the officer will not pass me. I thought the speed limit was 45, but this man was refusing to go over 35, and I was not about to pass a cop.
At first chance I get, I pull into this gas station. Unbeknownst to me the officer was stopped at a red light, so I'm pulling around the gas station when Mr. Officer and I make eye contact as he proceeds to pass me. He knew I wasn't getting gas.
I make my way through the red light and I have just crossed over the intersection when his lights come on. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to pull over, but the officer is very insistent so I do pull over. He gets out of his car, and I roll my window down (muting Miranda Lambert while I'm at it).
He asks me about my driving record. I tell him I'm obnoxiously safe. He asks me if I've had any felonies. I look this man in the eyes and I told him “I'm eighteen.” No. I don't have any felonies. He then asks me if I had anything illegal in the car.
This is where I act shady as hell part two. I pause and I look at him. I had coolant in the back of the car, because I have a coolant leak. And, I wasn't sure if that was illegal. Not sure why I thought that, but still what I thought.
Then, he says to me did I have anywhere to be. Yes. I'm going out to dinner with a friend. I considered lying and saying it was a date, but I didn't. He ignores what he just heard and asks if he can search my car. No. Actually you can't. Of course I acquiesce, although I don't know why I did, don't you have to give them permission or something. I don't know.
So, I get out of the car and he says to me that he has to search me in order to make sure that I didn't have any deadly objects on me, needles.
While, he's doing this I keep thinking back to this Charlie's Angels episode where this officer puts drugs in their car in order to have them arrested, so he can put them into a prostitution ring. Not likely, I realize, but I am freaking out. I would not do well in prison. I would do worse then So-So in Orange Is The New Black.
It all finally makes sense when he tells me that he wanted to know why I avoided him. This man was just doing his job, seeing someone acting shady as hell around a police officer. He was just looking for a reason to pull me over, to make sure I wasn't some infamous drug cartel leader.
I explain to him why I avoided him, he tells me I shouldn't do that. I vow never to do it again, although I'm actually just going to get smarter about it. He lectures me on why I shouldn't cross two lanes at once, when making a turn. Doesn't give me a ticket and tells me to enjoy my dinner out.Through all of this. May I just say that this officer was nothing but nice to me and it was truly appreciated. I just don't know why that other man couldn't have been as sympathetic.
The one thing I did learn from all of this is to never listen to Miranda Lambert's Platinum in the car. Nothing but bad things have happened to me when I've had it on. That friendship ending fight with Buttercup, happened when I had it on. I was targeted by the police when I had it on. It is just not a good album to bump and grind to on the public causeways of the United States of America.