Category: Major

My Life Compared To A 40 Year Old

2/17/2016

On the first day of the second semester, I said to myself, “It's so nice to have a schedule again, leave the house.” For the better part of winter break I hibernated only leaving to go to work and occasionally throw on some sun screen to go grocery shopping.

I watched romantic comedies. I blogged. I considered my future.

I've decided I'm going to have children. I'd never really thought about it, but now I have a clear concept. It will happen in my thirties. I'll be fresh off my divorce. I'll be heart broken, trying to put my life back together with a lot of money. Fleeing the country, I will adopt a nice baby. Gender is not important.

I'll probably be in France. We'll live in the country side in our nice chateau. We'll have a butler. Maybe a maid. I'll be a single parent with good wifi and dogs. We'll all be happy together. I've decided that I'm going to have to Sheryl Crow this shit.

My first week back was honestly really great. Wednesday I had my first club meeting, which is where I realized that I'm truly one of the most inconsequential.

There's this woman in our club, she's a forty year old mother of three, really sweet woman, and she was telling me about her winter break and I was like oh my god. Your life is more interesting then mine. My life is sad and tragic. Also pathetic, but I decided not to think about that.

Before this meeting I'd gone out to lunch with my two Princes. We got pizza. It was really nice. I enjoy seeing them. It's honestly so great third wheeling. I'm just waiting for my social life to fall apart when they break up. If they do I won't believe that love is real anymore.

Prince Harry told me all about quantum physics. It was fascinating. Did I know what was happening? No, but I was like this is really interesting and thank god I'm a business major because I can barely pass these classes.

Then, later that night I read Prince William's paper on queer theory. It was amazing? I felt like I was reading one of those obnoxious sources that uses too many big words. It was in that moment I realized I was the dumbest member of this little group and as an English minor it only kind of broke my little heart apart.

I also righteously embarrassed myself. I saw my only straight friend and the first thing I said to him was, “I've missed you!” Straight boys don't say that to each other. I just dead panned it. At least I could have leveled it out with, “I've missed seeing you”, but I just went straight for the jugular. I made up for it by telling him to go fuck himself and that I hated him. You know as boys do.

In case you were wondering what I've started doing on Friday's now that I don't work. After I get home from a long day of school, I came home, went to sleep. Then, I woke up and watched 27 Dresses. Had I watched it a few weeks ago? Yes, but when you related to Katherine Heigl the way I do, a few weeks is such a short distance.

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Crowd With Me

10/14/2015

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I discovered something about myself recently. I hate crowds. I hate people.

Picture it. It's a nice balmy Saturday. I am getting ready to go to this festival with Joyce. For all intensive purposes it's essentially a place to go shopping. My kind of day out. The day just did not go as planned. It was not a memorable experience for either of us.

First off. My heel breaks on the way over. Parking is horrendous and we have to walk about a mile to get there. We have to walk back to my car to get another pair of shoes. The only ones I have is my ratty work shoes. Joyce says I looked grunge. That's a nice way of putting it.

Problem number one is that there wasn't anything cute to buy. Not that I needed to buy anything, I certainly didn't. But, there was nothing that even made me say, “Let's drop fifty dollars and buy this cute tank.” There was nothing.

If I'm going boutique shopping, I expect to find cute, over priced items to purchase.

It was also a pleasant ninety six degrees. A bitch almost died. I swear the sun broke through my sunscreen. I was crowded, I was sweaty it was not good.

You know Joyce and I went to a music festival together and that went okay. This however was intense with no real benefit. Although, I did get a lot of pamphlets from the Planned Parenthood booth. I know how to have safe oral sex, anal sex, vaginal sex. I got you covered.

By the end of this event I'm sure I convinced Joyce to never take me out in public again. I was a bitch. You could go as far as to say I was a cunt. Most of the day with me was just a variation on “it's so fucking hot” and “why is the sun out”. I was a horrible friend.

It was in these moments dear to my heart that I came to understand that I never wanted to be touched ever again. I'm already weird about it. I don't like being touched, but this cemented that. I want to retire to a quiet French country village and never talk to anyone again.

Alternatively, I might move into a nice apartment in some major city and make quick excursions out into the public sphere once in a while instead. School's been a struggle. The most painful part is talking to people. Human contact has just not been going great.

Church was the worst. It was the day after the festival. I was with Sacajawea and Rosencrantz and this girl I know from school hugs me. I can hug people. I don't like doing it, but I can do it. I don't even know this girl well. I was just like we're going to have to talk.

Of course Sacajawea knows I don't like being hugged and that hasn't stopped her. She told me I would get used to it. My mother conversely has told me I would get over it. .

We shall see on that front. At the current moment I've just realized that crowds aren't for me. Which, reminds me. I'm doing Pride on Saturday. Go me.

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Dance. Sex. Tech.

5/27/2015

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I've never broken dress code before.

It started that morning when I was getting dressed to go to school. After I got out of class I was driving three hours to meet my favorite twins to go see a drag queen. The question of course is what do you wear to meet a drag queen?

I threw on this cute crop top. That has long sleeves by the way. WHY. Then, I threw on this cute eighties, Shannen Dohertyesque jacket on over it, put on my tightest skinny jeans, and my four and a half inch leopard print wedges (because why not) and sashayed out to school.

Now at my school no one said anything about what I was wearing. This really sweet octogenarian even told me I looked like a model. Praise her. I will take my compliments where I can get them. Of course I locked myself out of my car. Again. This is the third time in the past month. Normally, I'm not that worried. I can just stay on campus until someone can get me a ride. But, that day I had plans. I had to leave. I shamelessly asked five people to help until my favorite English major was like I got you boo.

She loves James Joyce and honestly I judge for it. I appreciate The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man as a literary achievement, but that doesn't mean I like him. So, Joyce helped me out and we bonded. Talked shit about people had a good time. And , then I got in my car to go.

It was an all around mess. It was raining. And, the last time I'd driven on the freeway for an extended period of time, I was sixteen, and almost ran off the road. Friendly, reminder do not take long road trips while listening to Jenny Lewis. You need turn up music. And, as much as I love her that was not the way to start the trip off.

Needless to say three hours later I arrive (safely) on their campus. And, I'm walking up to their dorm with my jacket open, because I have a crop top. And, I might as well let people know I have a flat stomach while it's still present. When the Mayor is all like “Oh my god, you look fabulous, but you're breaking dress code.”

This is a college campus and I am breaking dress code. Apparently, I can be fined for it. I am showing my midriff. Please calm yourself. You also aren't allowed to swear on their campus. What the fuck is that. And, they have a curfew. What kind of regressive nonsense is that. Their campus is beautiful, but let's be real it's not that beautiful.

The reason I drove up to see them was so we could go see Pearl. The most beautiful drag queen off of the seventh season of RuPaul's Drag Race. She was performing that night and I was like yes god. Her show started at 11:00, so before that. We had time to kill.

They took me to their Forever 21. It was huge. I spent too much money. And, I'm actually regretting the fact that I didn't buy this cute black crop top and this floral printed top. But, they were both long sleeved and it's basically summer now. When am I going to wear that. October.

Probably the most surprising thing was when we went to this Thai food restaurant. It was amazing. The twins are picky eaters. I did not anticipate them picking this place. We shared everything. We got sushi, crab wontons, some not quite amazing beef skewer things, and this hella fancy french fries with like goat cheese on them or something. It was amazing.

And, the waiters. They were all hot. Practically. They all wore all black and we got the second cutest waiter. At one point they all walked out together and it was a fashion show. They strutted. It was amazing. I was ready to whore myself out and the twins were cleavage bearing. But, I was most certainly the whore of the group.

At this point we actually went over to the club. I have never been clubbing before, so this was an experience. We didn't actually do a lot of dancing. We wanted good close standing to see Pearl peform. Poor life choice when all of you have on your wedges. This was a Friday. I'm sitting here on a Sunday and my toes are still a little numb.

They had some amateur drag before Pearl's show and that was a ratchet mess, but I loved it. You really haven't lived until you've seen a drag queen lipsync to “I Will Always Love You”. Not all of them wore heels and that was a disappointment. You may be amateur, but huntie gots to get their 1 inch kitten heels on.

The twins both had wedges on. Shorter then mine, but they also don't wear them every day like I do. They were like we need to find a place to sit down for a moment. During this process I casually ran into this really cute guy, who most certainly objectified me. It's like I appreciate that you enjoy my flat stomach. But, please calm yourself.

He actually stood behind us for part of the show and Miss Sara Bellum pointed him out to me. She certainly knows my taste in men.

Honestly, being surrounded by cute gay men is kind of my thing. There was so much aesthetic going on. There was this drink server. I think they said his name was Clive. He had on a tight pair of jeans and a crop top with “I Woke Up Like This” blazoned across it. He was even doing the Freddie Mercury mustache. I felt his look.

Now, when Pearl's actual set came on. We were surrounded by this group of friends. It was three guys. And, do you ever get the feeling that friends have fucked each other. That's the vibe they had. Like, sure they were friends. But, at some point they had been a little bit extra. These boys were extra. One had bleach blonde hair with half of it shaved off. It wasn't for me. The second one didn't have good hair, but he was kind of non descriptive. The third. Lord. His hair was on point, but not a good point. He had this Mohawk. His hair was piled up. It was immaculate. It was amazing. It just wasn't a good look.

Of course they were obnoxious as fuck. That's fine. They had this female friend, who I thought was really pretty. The twins did not agree. At one point she threatened to throw her drink at this queen who was lip syncing to “Let It Go”. I honestly felt her. This girl's hair was immaculate. It was straight and blonde. There was not an extra ounce fat on her. Her dress was orange and electric. Her heels were high. I appreciated her.

The actual show itself was pretty amazing. There were four other queens with Pearl. They opened by doing a lip sync to “Lady Marmalade”. The one representing P!NK was on fire. Then, this queen named Princess started to dictate the show. She was funny. She had tattoos. She was amazing. Honestly, what she did is what I wish Pearl had done. At the end of the show I felt like I got to know Princess better then Pearl. All of Princess's lip sync's were on point. Her final one was a mash up of Lily Allen's “Fuck You”, Big Sean's “I Don't Fuck With You”, and Cee Lo Green's “Fuck You”. They all had the corresponding theme of fuck to prove how ladylike she was.

There was a little part of me that was worried about Pearl's lipsync performance. On Drag Race. She did not bring it. Apparently, though when she has time to choreograph her moves, Pearl can rock. She was amazing and electric. She was fidgety and Pearl looked sexy as fuck. Her pants were tight and good. Her nose ring was classy without over doing it. I loved her look.

The only disappointing part of the night was that we didn't get to take a picture with Pearl. The line was a mess. An absolute mess. I swear it didn't move at all. And, the twins had a curfew. Their school needs to calm itself.

They were more disappointed then I was about not getting the picture. Knowing me I would have looked awkward as fuck and then I would have felt obligated to put it in this blog post. That just wouldn't have worked.

We did struggle to actually get back to their dorms. It doesn't matter that they've lived here for a year at this point. They had no idea how to get home. Do not rely on a GPS to the point where you can't function without it.

My drive home was great. It rained the whole way. But, I had turn up music on the whole time. That Rihanna. That Madonna. That Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Shout out to them for aiding in my hearing loss. I got home and my parents asked me how the concert was and until that moment I had totally forgot that I told them I was seeing Walk The Moon instead of a drag queen at a gay bar.

My turn up playlist.

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Let's Talk Shit

12/17/2014

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My life has been exceedingly dull.

My classmates, however. I don't know what is happening to them. They have lost their minds. Let me tell you.

Let's start away from my lovely school at dear friend J.Lo's dorm and her dorm mate. Now J.Lo is Thunder's sister. I would say we're friends. Great friends, best friends for life. No. But, we enjoy each other's company and that's a good of place to start as any for a friendship.

Her roommate I know. I've known this girl since the 4th grade. For the sake of protecting the not innocent we will call her 'dumb bitch'. So, this dumb bitch is going to herself kicked out of school, arrested, raped, or killed. Possibly all of the above.

In high school she was I'm such a good Christian girl. Now she's acting popular? She was so drunk two weekends ago that five people had to carry her home. Note the words 'five' and 'carry'. Dumb bitch. It's one thing to drink. It's one thing to get a little wild. But, you could not even stand. You were so wasted it took five people to carry you home.

This is not a wet campus by the way. There is not supposed to be alcohol. So, needless to say it would have been hard to explain why an 18 year old was so piss ass drunk it took five girls to carry her home.

A few weeks ago we had a foam party on my campus. I for one am not about to go to a foam party Paris Hilton isn't hosting. And, there is this very gay boy in my English class. I think he's a sophomore. Well, needless to say him and this boy went to the foam party. For the sake of cohesiveness we will call them 'A' and 'B'.

Well, A and B got real drunk. Not as drunk as dumb bitch, but drunk enough. They had very loud, very passionate sex in a shower. This is how you know they were really drunk. It was not even in one of their showers it was in one of the girls dorm rooms.

I cringe thinking about it. This is not meant to be. I'm worried they didn't remember the condoms. They were in someone else's bathroom fucking each other. I can't imagine what kind of lubricant they were using.

There was also an orgy on campus. For some reason this is not as bad as dumb bitch's story. I'm like that seems like a terrible idea, but the person who told me about it remembers it. There was alcohol involved, but it wasn't that bad. Although, according to my source, a brother and sister were involved. I only got their side of the story, so I do not know if the brother and sister participated in the orgy together or if they participated in the orgy together.

I will keep you updated.

A friend's sister is also in rehab. She called her parents drunk, while doing cocaine and meth. There's that little scandal for you. She is in rehab, she should be fine.

A coworker of mine has a sextape out. She is a minor. She's not super pretty. I have not seen the video, but apparently it's just her masturbating. I cringe. And, she apologizes all the time. I cannot handle it. Stop apologizing to me.

Your entire high school has seen you finger yourself. Get your life together. Why are you apologizing to me. You need to be apologizing to God. To your parents. To your brother, because you both share the same cloud account. Did this girl not hear about Jennifer Lawrence. This will be out there forever. She also has braces. This is not the kind of sex tape you shrug off and say I look really hot in.

That's life for you.

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My Life Compared To A 40 Year Old

Crowd With Me

Dance. Sex. Tech.

Let's Talk Shit

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﻿My Life Compared To A 40 Year Old

Crowd With Me

Dance. Sex. Tech.

Let's Talk Shit

About

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My Life Compared To A 40 Year Old