Category: Downtown

Neck Pains & Blackouts

8/17/2016

It was an eventful span of three days for me.

I hurt my neck. I woke up and I was in so much pain. I'm guessing it was a result of all my headbanging to Avril Lavigne, but no one knows for sure. Still, my mother's car was broken, so she wanted to hang out and who better to drive her around then her favorite live in child?

We went to this coffee shop downtown. It was very good and I even parallel parked on a busy street. I'm amazing. My neck was not feeling my usual exorcist mentality, but still I persevered and took that parking spot like the blonde bitch I am.

Three (four? six?) days later I ran my car battery down at work. Now I know how to jump a car, I have run my battery down many times before. I even had the assistance of Sacajawea. You know your best friends when someone willingly get's their extensions wet to help you jumpstart your car. It was thundering and dark outside, so we may have required the assistance of everyone's favorite country boy, but besides that we are strong independent individuals. Basically.

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Road Trip! (Part One)

9/2/2015

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Miss Sara Bellum (left) The Mayor (middle) and Me (right)

August 10th
9:08 am

I'm packed. I'm showered. My hair has been done up and I would even argue that I'm well rested. In twenty minutes I'm about to leave to pick up the twins and we're going to start our road trip. God help us all.

4:55 pm

We've finally made it to St. Louis. The drive here was not brutal. We started the morning out strong. 20 minutes later then expected. Pumped gas. Listened and sang to a string of hit CD's ranging from Taylor Swift's 1989 to Fall Out Boy's American Beauty/American Pyscho. I'd say the drive up went well. The Mayor spouted declarations of heat exhaustion in the backseat. A few friendly games were played. All of which I lost.

Our first stop in St. Louis was at war hero and president Ulysses S. Grant's Missouri home. That although named White Haven was in fact painted green with an even darker green finish. I've never felt much one way or another about my favorite Gilded Age presdent.

I found the exhibit to be fascinating. I can't deny that I'm actually obsessed with his love affair with wife Julia (Julie?). It was certainly more entertaining then I expected.

In other news. We checked into our hotel to find out that protests are taking place Downtown.

(The Only Photo We Took In The Museum)

8:41 pm

The protests happening downtown altered are plans. Originally our plan had to been to walk around downtown, find a good place to eat, see the arch, spend too much money going to the top. The usual day for tourists new to St. Louis. And, then a state of emergency for St. Louis was issued.

Are well timed trip had supposed to have been to Atlanta to visit. Thunder had just moved there with her fiancee (!). The twins mother was worried about race tensions.

We had to calmly remind her that she had wanted us to change our trip to St. Louis. My parents were oblivious.

The Mayor

Our trip marked the one year anniversary of the slaying of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri. The day before our arrival police officers put eighteen year old Tyrone Harris into critical condition after they exchanged gun fire with one another. The day we arrived friendly protestors were arrested outside of the federal courthouse in St. Louis. Later 30 protestors stopped traffic on I-70. Ferguson was everywhere. Our plans were just not feasible.

In true upper middle class fashion we escaped to a suburban retreat and obliviously drank our blackberry caramel frappuccino's while Natalia Kill's crooned over the loudspeaker at the Coffee Cartel that never closes.

Buy "Trouble"

The area we were in is called the Central West End. The name just screams luxury. We confined ourselves to the Maryland Plaza where most of the shopping was located. It was boutique shopping. It was decadence.

There was not a single thing we could afford. Our first dalliance was at the Lululemon Athletica. Based out of Canada with a logo eerily reminscent to that of Coco Peru's it offered sixty eight dollar tennis skirts and a plain striped shirt you could buy for $20 at Target for a marked up $54. It was the bargain.

This area is better then my entire existence. I can't express how necessary it was to price check every restaurant before we even considered stopping in it.

AG was the most interesting boutique. The woman behind it is a contributing editor of Vogue. Adriano Goldschmeid. She's been a host on some show on MTV or VH1 and now she's decided to dip her hand into the world of high end fashion. No, I don't want to spend ninety dollars on a beanie. Her style could be described smart and polished, but I think the words “boring” and “predictable” are more applicable. After this I truly expected to finding a Gucci flagship store next door.

My favorite store was 10Denza. I loved practically everything in it. Even the eight hundred dollar leather jacket. As the clerk mentioned we were lucky as they were having a sale. A cute patterned cobalt sweater I would spend thirty on was marked down to sixty. Down from a 108. The entire store was full of cute gay boy chic and enhanced feminine style. I loved it. My bank account not so much. The twins obnoxious friend would have loved it. I'm convinced he had floral patterned polo shirt in that exact shade of coral.

Our dinner was spent at the Kingside Diner. A glamorous and hip reasonably priced getaway across the street from a Guiness Record holding chess piece. It was the largest in the world.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor and Me

The waitress was a tatted LeAnn Rimes and one of her fellow waiters defined bro. He had twenty dollar knee high Nike socks. It was a look. The food was amazing. Our waitress completely sweet. I got the grilled cheese caprese and the twins finished two burgers with potato buns. My entire existence led up to eating this meal.

By this point it was almost dark (gasp) and this low rent Taylor Swift drove back to the our every stylish America's Best Value Inn.

11:46 pm

We took an hour break from human interaction with another. Followed it up with a bag of Cheez-It's two rounds of Zero. Miss Sara Bellum won the first round, me the second. Then, we played Blokus and I won. Fumbling through Tinder we casually had Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen on. I realized I was Lindsay Lohan and the twins were her best friend. Miss Sara Bellum flirted with a boy with tattoos. He was a mix between Pearl and Violet Chachki and he had a certain porn star quality about him.

That's what love is built on.

August 11th
3:23 am

I've been asleep for less then three hours and I've never been more awake in my life. I'm now locked in the bathroom updating my social media. From what I can tell the twins aren't sleeping that much better either.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

9:37 am

The twins groggily ignored their alarms at 8:30. I hadn't slept much better after crawling back into bed at 4:00 in the morning. We showered. Put on our scandalous bathing suits and enjoyed our first continental breakfast at America's Best Value Inn.

The waffle batter was empty. The coffee was proclaimed to be a St. Louis tradition and I had no idea how to work the toaster. Miss Sara Bellum threw a hot chocolate packet in her coffee. Another guest came in and did some deep breathing exercises. I updated my social media. It was productive. A wonderful morning wake up call.

10:05 pm

I have taken the twins virginity.

After breakfast we drove up to Six Flags over St. Louis, which isn't even in the same county. It was a pleasant drive. The line to get in was extensive. It's the last week of school before the native St. Louis children are going back to school. It was a joy.

This is one of the few times you will ever see a picture of me with my hair a mess. Much like Gotye's heart. One of the draws behind Atlanta was not only visiting Thunder, but also the water park there. The twins were the students in the Lizzie McGuire Movie who took a 24 hour bus trip to a water park instead of the eternal city of Rome.

On this proud day I took their roller coaster virginity. They had never been before. We took them on the wooden coaster American Thunder. They have both vowed to never ride another roller coaster in their life. Although, the Mayor did make it onto the Pandemonium for me. I hate doing anything alone.

Miss Sara Bellum's favorite ride was what I will describe as the scrambler. It was frequented by six years old. The three of us barely fit into one car and the ride operator serenaded us with “Let It Go”. It was magical.

As a group we only participated in one more ride. The water themed rapids Thunder River. The twins took part in the carousel. I took part in two more roller coasters. The Mine Train and The Boss. I never did get to go upside down.

Most of our day was spent in the water park. Disappointingly enough there was not a single attractive male. There was one exception of the Under Armour hugging twenty year old. He was gorgeous, although it's always so hard to tell when people have on sunglasses. Gorgeous women abounded. Even without our glasses on we could tell.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

We realized very quickly that the three of us would have to deal with the potential loss of our glasses. The only tension we had was when we were deciding where to go, but couldn't see anything. We went down slides. Almost drowned in the artificial tidal waves one of the beach areas produced. It was anything if boring.

Six Flags doesn't disappoint. I hate to admit that there was a special place in my heart for the Lazy River. I could have spent all day there. Just not eight dollars for a tube rental. It was a little steep.

It was at the end of the day I raced onto two roller coasters. The before mentioned Mine Train and The Boss. Little did I know that The Boss is one of the fastest rides there and also the longest at three minutes and ten seconds long. The twins most certainly could not have handled it.

Oddly enough one of the attendants was this sun kissed blonde. I was dressed conservative for me. At this point I had on board shorts over my swimsuit. And, he stretched out his hand. Thanks to the preparation of my heterosexual coworker I was able to respond appropriately. I fist bumped him.

The ride was terrifying. I can't tell you what it was, but I was horribly sad. Our day at Six Flags was over. It was almost as if I was emotionally drained. It was as if Summer was over. The drive back to our hotel was difficult. I've never felt so incomplete. We had on Lana Del Rey. That certainly didn't help anything. I don't know it might be that I haven't cried recently, but I was overwhelmed. I'm still frustratingly saddened.

The stop at our hotel enabled me to fix my hair before we went out for dinner. We went to this restaurant called Rooster. It was modern. We drank out of mason glasses, presumably to help the upper middle class relate to the poor. Our table was one solid connected unit of table. It screamed professionally designed and more importantly it was fabulous.

Apparently all male waiters in St. Louis are muscular. Ours was very pleasant. He suggested to the twins that they should ride Mr. Freeze at Six Flags. This ride goes upside down, shoots you backward. It was not filed under anything they could do. They struggled with the ferris wheel.

Me and The Mayor

Me and Miss Sara Bellum

Miss Sara Bellum ordered a steak frites (delicious), The Mayor got a strawberry Nutella crepe (essentially a bottle of Nutella with carbs), and I got a Veggie Burger. There was ginger root on it. The ranch I dipped my french fries was homemade. God is real and he lives at Rooster.

In order to convince the staff that we never stop eating. We came home with a box of Insomnia Cookies. Tragically they don't deliver where our hotel is located. I've already convinced the hotel staff we're crazy by yelling at Hilary Duff to “slay” and “be a queen” when she was on The View in the lobby.

Insomnia Cookies are an institution. Fresh baked cookies. Warm. Moist. Orgasmic. A little revolting if you have Miss Sara Bellum express her love for them. They might be perfection. Jesus might make them on the midnight shift. My entire view of the world has changed, because of the food in St. Louis.

The follow up and conclusion will be posted next Wednesday.

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All My Couture Comes From Goodwill

10/18/2014

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I popped some tags in true Macklemore fashion two weeks ago.

Both Miss Sara Bellum and The Mayor came back for the weekend. I hadn't seen them, since a few days before college started back in August. It had been a while. They were back in town, so they could see their high school's new play. They told me it was good. I didn't get to see it with them. I had to go to work. I would have been free all day Saturday, but my general manager decided that we are no longer allowed to ask off from work, because we were a 'abusing' the privilege.

Forgive me for telling you when I can't work.

We decided that we were going to fly by our whims in our activities that day. Of course I had some thoughts in mind. We could go see Sex Tape, especially now that it was at the cheap theater. I could always borrow what Rosencrantz and I always do, and go get cupcakes at this cute like shop that's downtownish.

The twins had their own plans. We were going to the thrift shop in search of flannels, sweaters, and jean shorts. Goodwill was stop number one. It was an experience. I never shop at places like this. It is so much fun, though. Go with a friend and laugh and cry at these clothes. That is what we did.

I was actually rather successful in my shopping. I got these oversized sweaters that don't fit me at all. The kind of thing I would never buy for retail, but at three dollars you're like why not. They're fantastic. I'm going to look so hipster this winter. Be prepared world. Tight jeans a sweater will be my wardrobe.

We of course tried on things we had no intention of ever buying. I tried on this great pimp jacket with some faux fur. Although, I might have actually bought it if it fit me. Just so I could have it. Sarabellum and I posed in it. Me as da pimp and her as da side hoe. We looked really sexy, just to let you know.

After that we finished it up at the Salvation Army. That was a productive event for me. I found another sweater. It was this mint, aqua color and I tried it on. Oh, honey boo-boo child. It was like a baggy crop top. I did not even walk out of the dressing room. It was really bad.

The only clothing item I bought was this hounds tooth jacket. The label says Christian Dior. I mean anything's possible. I love this jacket. It has shoulder pads and everything. It's terrible and great. People are either going to say I have great style or wonder what the fuck I'm wearing to school every day.

We even stumbled upon the music section of the Salvation Army. That was a rough little area. I wasn't looking for anything. What could I possibly find. The Mayor however pulled out a Hilary Duff compilation from the mire and handed it to me.

You might have been able to guess that I love Hilary Duff. I only write about her for the blog basically every week. And, the Mayor has known me long enough to know about this. I own most things with Hilary Duff in it. I have strong foundation of her music, I have all her studio albums, but I'm missing a few things. Like, I don't have the Cinderella Story Soundtrack or the song “Any Other Day” from the What Goes Up Soundtrack. So, when she saw Hilary's Most Wanted collection I had to have it. There were only three songs on it I didn't have, but I'd considered buying the What Goes Up Soundtrack for one song, so it was worth it.

The check out process was definitely the most fun. We watched this woman get fired in front of our eyes. We are in line. And, there's this older woman with this gray wispy hair tied up in a bun, a large cross around her neck. Her name is Lydia.

This younger woman comes up behind her and says, “Lydia, you can go on break.”

That did not please Lydia. She yells at her that she was “tired of her treating her like shit.” From there it just slowly escalated from go on break, to go home, to your getting fired today. All this time we are standing there not able to purchase our lovely clothes and CD.

It was a wonderful day. I haven't spent time with people outside of school and work since school started. I have been meaning to see Rosencrantz, but it just hasn't happened. Sacajawea has been rushing and doing sorority things and I can't keep up with that. Really, the only person I've been spending time with is Thunder and that's because we drive to school together. And, we're in the same program in school.

It was so great to see people. And, spend time with old friends. My Barbie sweatshirt also came in that day. Really, other then the nightmare that was work, it was great. Although, Miss Sara Bellum and the Mayor told me that they had actually seen my Barbie sweatshirt in Forever 21. Was it in my local Forever 21. No. Let's also talk about how the day after I ordered it they did a free shipping promotion. Sometimes the world is out to get you, and I'm really not here for it. It's just like calm down world. Go to Goodwill and get you some Louboutins.

Buy online at Forever 21

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The First Semester Car Problems Curse

9/12/2014

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The Nagoya protocol. That's what part two of two is going to be about.

I'm lying to you. I was in the science building on campus, in one of the student lounges, with no good place to plug in my laptop, and I picked up one of the science journals, and there was a very long, comprehensive article on the Nagoya protocol. I never want to talk about it.

Hopefully, there will not be a third part to this two part drama that is my car. I do call him the grandfather, but lately he's been living up to that reputation, and I'm really not here for it.

I was on my way to school. It was Sunday, the day before school started. I was on my way to meeting on campus. I'm just driving along when I'm pushing the gas pedal, and it is not speeding the car up. If anything it is braking the car. I get into a turn lane, and only because God deemed it appropriate did I make it through the light before stalling on a side street right in front of this elementary school.

I do not have a cellphone. I am downtown, with a stalled car unable to call anyone. It is Sunday, all respectable places of business are closed, no one is at the school. It has to be a 100 degrees outside, and I am walking to find someone who will let me borrow their phone. Not to call my mother, but instead to call the person I was meeting at school. She would have to come get me. My mother and I were in a spitting match. It was not okay.

I find no one, I go back to the car, and I start the car up. Maybe, I can get it at least a little closer to the school. I make it to the first gate. Barely making it over twenty at any point in this, I get to the security guard. I tell him why I'm here. He tells me I need to park in the commuter lot.

I broke it down for that man right there. Sir, my car is stalling (You made it up the drive just fine, questioning my honesty), I will not and I cannot make it to the other side. I am parking over here and I hope you don't have a problem with that.

He acquiesces and I go to my meeting. I tell Thunder what happens and she insists that she'll help me. That makes sense. I don't know what I expected her to say. “Sorry, bitch, but I've got places to be. As in with my boyfriend.” Her boyfriend, shows up on campus, and collectively we go out to Auto Zone and buy some oil for the car. Why we thought this would fix the acceleration problem. I don't know, but we were convinced it was a possibility.

I leave the school. Using two main roads home, peeved when I'm stopped at the bottom of a hill and have to accelerate over the top of it. That was fun. I made it with no serious problems, other then it took me forever to cross an intersection.

I get home, tell my father what happened, he tells me it's either the fuel pump or the fuel filter and that I should use mother's car to get to school on Monday. My father is out of state as all of this is happening. I still very peeved with my mother refuse to ask her for it, and calm my nerves by turning up Havana Brown and taking side streets all the way to school.

The question of whether or not I made it on time is still not answered. I checked my school e-mail that morning, getting a new one from my Algebra teacher to bring my textbook to class, but my teacher that moved the class to an entirely different building could not be bothered. Because, I'm already late I don't mention to the history professor, that hey I'm in the wrong class. I decided I will just sit through it.

Thank, God some other poor confused student asked the important question and got us both to the right class. The best part of being so stressed out about driving to school, is that you can't really worry about what your first day of school is. The only thing that stands out to me is that my algebra teacher was too excited, too fast, and if I did not have a working knowledge of how to do Least Common Multiples, I would be failing that class so hard right now.

Oh, she's also decided that were having a “lab”. Woman, this is algebra. What do you mean by “lab”. This isn't biology and I will not be playing with any test tubes in algebra.

The drive home that day, I think was the most fun. This car braked in front of me, and when I tried to regain the speed, I ended up stalling, and I swung the grandfather into the nearest parking lot, which just so happened to be a porn store. Well, actually a toy store, because they specialized in other things. Dildos for everyone.

Once, home, I'm informed by my father that we need to get the fuel filter replaced at Valvoline. I barely made it home that day. I don't know how well he expected that to end. It ended okay. Valvoline doesn't change out fuel filters and they told us to go to Firestone. We go there, we leave the car, and my mother and I go grocery shopping. Although, I did force her to stop at McDonald's first for that $1 large sweet tea. Let me tell you everything. My day was okay.

Then. Father decides to call. I tell him we went to Firestone. He flips his shit. It costs too much money, I tell him I will pay for it. That makes it worse. We have to go back out to bring the car back home. He decided the fuel filter wasn't the problem. My mother and I go back out. I start the car, and we are almost home. I just have to make it through this one light, and I can coast down to our neighborhood.

That was not meant to be. The car stalls in the middle of the intersection. I keep saying that for dramatic effect, but other then the other people in the left hand turn lane, I wasn't really blocking anything. I was in the intersection, but it wasn't stopping through traffic.

The stoplight goes through it's cycle. I have the car turned off the whole time, flashers on, reading my Architectural Digest, just waiting for when the car will make it through the light. It turns green again. I start the car up. I press the gas and it lets me through the light.

Now that my father has heard about all this stalling he was worried enough to hire a mechanic to come out and replace the fuel pump. To the great shock of everyone the mechanic got in a car wreck that day and had to get fifteen stitches in his left arm.I don't know what else could happen. I hope nothing until next year.

That's what Thunder told me. I've inherited her curse as an outgoing senior. The First Semester Car Problem Curse.

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Neck Pains & Blackouts

Road Trip! (Part One)

All My Couture Comes From Goodwill

The First Semester Car Problems Curse

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