Category: Broken

The Celebrity Meeter

8/3/2016

I keep having celebrity run ins. Not on purpose, but just because God has bless me in the year where David Bowie has died and people really thinking Donald Trump could be a good president. I feel as if I'm in a recurring role in As The World Turns.

My summer has been very instagram worthy. I met Bonnie McKee. Stayed in a hotel I can't afford with Sacajawea and Rosencrantz. See my Throwback Thursday on that here.

You may have noticed a few months ago that I started blogging about country music. What can I say? I get very emotional during the school year and sentimental country music comforts me as a reminder of my childhood when my parents loved me. Although, I refuse to fully embrace country music until they change the spelling to cuntry.

That's how I discovered Brandy Clark. Everyone's favorite lesbian country singer. You can read the article I wrote on her here. She's fantastic and is one of the women leading the way towards fixing the gender imbalance at country radio.

I went to see her with Miss Sara Bellum. I convinced her to go with me. I bought her tickets. We were eight rows back from the stage. She payed for that trip we took to Pride. You can read about that here.

We got all dressed up. I had on my green booties. I'd planned on going full cuntry with my father's boots. But, he took them with him on a company trip, because he was going to a wedding. How rude???????? Didn't he know I need them????????? Aren't I more important??????? Still I looked cute.

You know I was dipping and doing it, although no one hit on me. I had on my gold watch and I would have had a hat on, but I didn't want to block anyone's view.

Miss Sara Bellum and I got there early. We had our tickets in our hands. We waited an hour for the curtains to go up. I remember sitting there and hearing the opening arrangement to Brandy Clark's “Soap Opera” start and I wanted to cry. Big Day In A Small Town is one of the most phenomanal albums of 2016.

She stood there in real life. Her voice was strong and good. She looked great. Her weight was accurate. I expected it to be up honestly. I always assume there's photoshop. She asked at one point if there were any crazy women in the audience and I have never screamed louder in my life.

After the show was over and she'd run through her catalogue, including covering the Miranda Lambert hit “Mama's Broken Heart” she wrote, I got a chance to meet her. I bought her debut album 12 Stories. She signed it, “love Brandy”. Simple and tasteful. I told her I blogged about her and loved her music.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. I was not memorable. I did not get a picture with her and she's not going to talk about me when she's on Jimmy Kimmel Live. The art of meeting a celebrity is new to me. You have to straddle the line between innocuous and obsessed fan and meet it somewhere in the middle to be remembered.

Also I'm not bringing back my YouTube channel. It's emotionally draining. My camera's not that good and I don't want you all to see that I'm not blonde anymore.

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Dance. Sex. Tech.

5/27/2015

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I've never broken dress code before.

It started that morning when I was getting dressed to go to school. After I got out of class I was driving three hours to meet my favorite twins to go see a drag queen. The question of course is what do you wear to meet a drag queen?

I threw on this cute crop top. That has long sleeves by the way. WHY. Then, I threw on this cute eighties, Shannen Dohertyesque jacket on over it, put on my tightest skinny jeans, and my four and a half inch leopard print wedges (because why not) and sashayed out to school.

Now at my school no one said anything about what I was wearing. This really sweet octogenarian even told me I looked like a model. Praise her. I will take my compliments where I can get them. Of course I locked myself out of my car. Again. This is the third time in the past month. Normally, I'm not that worried. I can just stay on campus until someone can get me a ride. But, that day I had plans. I had to leave. I shamelessly asked five people to help until my favorite English major was like I got you boo.

She loves James Joyce and honestly I judge for it. I appreciate The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man as a literary achievement, but that doesn't mean I like him. So, Joyce helped me out and we bonded. Talked shit about people had a good time. And , then I got in my car to go.

It was an all around mess. It was raining. And, the last time I'd driven on the freeway for an extended period of time, I was sixteen, and almost ran off the road. Friendly, reminder do not take long road trips while listening to Jenny Lewis. You need turn up music. And, as much as I love her that was not the way to start the trip off.

Needless to say three hours later I arrive (safely) on their campus. And, I'm walking up to their dorm with my jacket open, because I have a crop top. And, I might as well let people know I have a flat stomach while it's still present. When the Mayor is all like “Oh my god, you look fabulous, but you're breaking dress code.”

This is a college campus and I am breaking dress code. Apparently, I can be fined for it. I am showing my midriff. Please calm yourself. You also aren't allowed to swear on their campus. What the fuck is that. And, they have a curfew. What kind of regressive nonsense is that. Their campus is beautiful, but let's be real it's not that beautiful.

The reason I drove up to see them was so we could go see Pearl. The most beautiful drag queen off of the seventh season of RuPaul's Drag Race. She was performing that night and I was like yes god. Her show started at 11:00, so before that. We had time to kill.

They took me to their Forever 21. It was huge. I spent too much money. And, I'm actually regretting the fact that I didn't buy this cute black crop top and this floral printed top. But, they were both long sleeved and it's basically summer now. When am I going to wear that. October.

Probably the most surprising thing was when we went to this Thai food restaurant. It was amazing. The twins are picky eaters. I did not anticipate them picking this place. We shared everything. We got sushi, crab wontons, some not quite amazing beef skewer things, and this hella fancy french fries with like goat cheese on them or something. It was amazing.

And, the waiters. They were all hot. Practically. They all wore all black and we got the second cutest waiter. At one point they all walked out together and it was a fashion show. They strutted. It was amazing. I was ready to whore myself out and the twins were cleavage bearing. But, I was most certainly the whore of the group.

At this point we actually went over to the club. I have never been clubbing before, so this was an experience. We didn't actually do a lot of dancing. We wanted good close standing to see Pearl peform. Poor life choice when all of you have on your wedges. This was a Friday. I'm sitting here on a Sunday and my toes are still a little numb.

They had some amateur drag before Pearl's show and that was a ratchet mess, but I loved it. You really haven't lived until you've seen a drag queen lipsync to “I Will Always Love You”. Not all of them wore heels and that was a disappointment. You may be amateur, but huntie gots to get their 1 inch kitten heels on.

The twins both had wedges on. Shorter then mine, but they also don't wear them every day like I do. They were like we need to find a place to sit down for a moment. During this process I casually ran into this really cute guy, who most certainly objectified me. It's like I appreciate that you enjoy my flat stomach. But, please calm yourself.

He actually stood behind us for part of the show and Miss Sara Bellum pointed him out to me. She certainly knows my taste in men.

Honestly, being surrounded by cute gay men is kind of my thing. There was so much aesthetic going on. There was this drink server. I think they said his name was Clive. He had on a tight pair of jeans and a crop top with “I Woke Up Like This” blazoned across it. He was even doing the Freddie Mercury mustache. I felt his look.

Now, when Pearl's actual set came on. We were surrounded by this group of friends. It was three guys. And, do you ever get the feeling that friends have fucked each other. That's the vibe they had. Like, sure they were friends. But, at some point they had been a little bit extra. These boys were extra. One had bleach blonde hair with half of it shaved off. It wasn't for me. The second one didn't have good hair, but he was kind of non descriptive. The third. Lord. His hair was on point, but not a good point. He had this Mohawk. His hair was piled up. It was immaculate. It was amazing. It just wasn't a good look.

Of course they were obnoxious as fuck. That's fine. They had this female friend, who I thought was really pretty. The twins did not agree. At one point she threatened to throw her drink at this queen who was lip syncing to “Let It Go”. I honestly felt her. This girl's hair was immaculate. It was straight and blonde. There was not an extra ounce fat on her. Her dress was orange and electric. Her heels were high. I appreciated her.

The actual show itself was pretty amazing. There were four other queens with Pearl. They opened by doing a lip sync to “Lady Marmalade”. The one representing P!NK was on fire. Then, this queen named Princess started to dictate the show. She was funny. She had tattoos. She was amazing. Honestly, what she did is what I wish Pearl had done. At the end of the show I felt like I got to know Princess better then Pearl. All of Princess's lip sync's were on point. Her final one was a mash up of Lily Allen's “Fuck You”, Big Sean's “I Don't Fuck With You”, and Cee Lo Green's “Fuck You”. They all had the corresponding theme of fuck to prove how ladylike she was.

There was a little part of me that was worried about Pearl's lipsync performance. On Drag Race. She did not bring it. Apparently, though when she has time to choreograph her moves, Pearl can rock. She was amazing and electric. She was fidgety and Pearl looked sexy as fuck. Her pants were tight and good. Her nose ring was classy without over doing it. I loved her look.

The only disappointing part of the night was that we didn't get to take a picture with Pearl. The line was a mess. An absolute mess. I swear it didn't move at all. And, the twins had a curfew. Their school needs to calm itself.

They were more disappointed then I was about not getting the picture. Knowing me I would have looked awkward as fuck and then I would have felt obligated to put it in this blog post. That just wouldn't have worked.

We did struggle to actually get back to their dorms. It doesn't matter that they've lived here for a year at this point. They had no idea how to get home. Do not rely on a GPS to the point where you can't function without it.

My drive home was great. It rained the whole way. But, I had turn up music on the whole time. That Rihanna. That Madonna. That Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Shout out to them for aiding in my hearing loss. I got home and my parents asked me how the concert was and until that moment I had totally forgot that I told them I was seeing Walk The Moon instead of a drag queen at a gay bar.

My turn up playlist.

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Melodrama puncutated with exclamation points.

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