Category: Halloween

Dinner And A Murder

11/9/2016

Murder mystery dinner parties are one of the most adult things you can do with your Halloween night that doesn't include appletinis and bobbing for pears in a tub of vodka. I got glammed up for an “affair to dismember.”

My character was the wicked witch of the depressed. She was fashionable and most importantly she hated everyone. Needless to say she was the perfect fit for me.

These stories ere on the side of the improbability. I like having sex on my broom a mile high? My field of poppy flowers is all for my heroin addiction. My husband is having sex with my mother. I slept with my best friend's fiancee and I'm having his babies. Twins (Hansel and Gretel)

All I can say is that despite the suspicions thrown against me on pineapple pizza. Yes, it was my spell book. But, I didn't cast the spell and I didn't commit the murder and most importantly I wasn't thrown to the thronging mob outside the castle gates.

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Road Trip! (Part Two)

9/9/2015

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The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

August 12th
7:30 am

This morning I was getting dressed for the day and I couldn't figure out why I have four more outfits for the next two days. I also have five pairs of shoes for a four day trip, but not even that merciless shower head could beat the answer into me.

In other news I sleep deprived myself just enough that I wasn't kept up by the air conditioning unit. Ready for today.

5:13 pm

Today's itinerary started off really well. We couldn't find the cemetery or more accurately google maps couldn't find it. It dropped us off near this very dated fifties suburban community. All the inhabitants were octogenerians. I assumed they lived close to the cemetery for a shorter commute when they had a heart attack. Somewhere along the way we realized Davy Lane was not where our beloved cemetery was. We had hoped to gain cultural knowledge and most importantly take aesthetic pictures.

We gave up and settled on our next stop. The Outlet Mall. We got there at 9:30. It didn't open until 10:00. Our options were clear. Find somewhere else to spend our time. Google did not fail us this time. We settled on a coffee shop in St. Charles. It had Picasso in the title. It seemed quaint. I was the only one who got coffee. It was called Black Forrest and was supposed to taste of cherry's. It served it's purpose about as well as Boomer likes modern art (he's not a fan).

St. Charles was an amazing detour in our plans. Apparently it hosts one of the largest craft fairs in the country. We spent our time on Main Street. Went in a few of the shops. Our favorite was April's. It was an eclectic hodge podge of ceramic items. Decorations. The shop was run by these three women.

One was this fiery redhead. Her personality reminded me of Julia Robert's in Runaway Bride. One of the men who worked there was getting married on Halloween to his partner and the wedding was appropriately themed. It was life goals if I wasn't a justice of the peace kind of gay.

We actually bought something. Usually boutique shopping involves a lot of browsing. We did that. But, this store was within three college students price ranges. The twins bought two hand towels. One for their mother and the other for their brother's fiancee. Miss Sara Bellum splurged and bought a good luck token for her dorm room.

Miss Sara Bellum

Me and The Mayor

A gallery was opened down the street. The artwork was reasonably priced if you weren't in a dorm room with cinder block walls. There was shoe shop named Gene's that catered to visiting Floridians. Bars and restaurants dotted the street. A club was in one of the buildings. If only we were twenty one.

I never would have thought to stop in St. Charles. Or even thought of it as a destination choice, but it's something I wish I'd been able to see more of. It was picturesque. You could spend a solid day exploring it or trying to get off the roundabout. Which, ever came first.

We returned to the Outlet Mall. A little off course for the days itinerary. We went in a book store. I believe it was called Books a Million or some variation of that. They sold Italian Vogue. That sold me. There were expensive fashion magazines. Paris Hilton graced the cover of one glossy mag. One magazine called Girls on Boys was particularly fascinating. The men were more Miss Sara Bellum's taste then mine. I can't help my fondness for the all American wind tousled virgins.

I ended up buying a discounted Chelsea Chelsea, Bang Bang hardcover. A Chelsea Handler original. Hopefully there will be an article coming out on soon after I read it, which might not be until Thanksgiving.

We were not as successful clothes wise as we might have hoped. We found one thing at Burlington Coat Factory. A pair of shorts for the sexy Sara Bellum. Rainbow was useless. Surprisingly it was Charlotte Russe that we did well. I got two scarves for two dollars each. I couldn't help myself. The twins tried on clothes. Bought clothes. So many I can't remember. Most of my time was spent trying on Boho hats and twerking to Britney Spear's “Pretty Girls” with what little ass I have.

Buy "Pretty Girls"

The Mayor

Right now all the lights are off and the twins are asleep and I'm trying to read a map for the Laumier Sculpture Park. Your favorite blogger is also wrapped in a cars blanket, because the twins have a penchant for cold weather. Something I soon figured out with complaints over the 85 degree heat.

Miss Sara Bellum

In a true spot of sophistication. We got takeout from Panda Express and ate our food in the sculpture park under the shade of a beautiful trade. I was in my four inch wedges and I had little idea that the pathways were gravel and so much was off road. The map I have spread out makes little more sense now then it did at the park. We planned on walking one of the three trails. Either the ten minute Whitaker Woods Trail or the twenty five minute Central Pathway. We did a little of all trails and marveled at all the work.

The Mayor (left) and Miss Sara Bellum (Right)

The Mayor

The twins seemed particularly entranced by the eyeball. I can't say what I liked the best. It was just nice being outside in comfortable weather looking at everything St. Louis has to offer.

The most interesting find was the Dog Museum. One I consistently refer to as the Doge Museum. The grounds were beautiful. You could bring your dog inside the museum. We had left our babies at home. There was little reading to do. There were portraits of dogs. Sculptures. It was a quick jaunt into man's best friend and a woman's too if the poodle has on a diamond choker collar.

There was a dog house nicer then my room. Portraits by Maude Earl. A British painter famous for her work on dogs. The most reading intensive part of the exhibit revolved around service dogs. It's hard not to be amazed at how capable these animals are.

The educational side of our stay in St. Louis ended with a stop at the Contemporary Art Museum of St. Louis and the Pulitzer Arts Museum. Both which are right next door to each other.

Our first stop was at the Contemporary Art Museum. It attacked me. There's a gash on my leg from where a table cut me open. It congealed before it raced onto my white shoes. I can still feel it throbbing.

The Pulitzer Arts Museum

The Contemporary Art Museum of St. Louis

It had portraits by Liat Yossifor that dealt with the aesthetic of cave painting and the intuitive act of finger painting. Her works were mostly solid white with different textures and only limited use of primary color. One of the works on display was entitled Yellow II.

Liat Yossifor

They were also doing an entire demonstration called the Sanatorium. We were only able to participate in one of the parts available. It was interactive and was supposed to gauge ways to help people achieve group therapy. We wrote down our darkest secrets tied it up with twine and read one of the previous respondents answer.

Mine discussed how lonely they felt even among people they were close to. The curator explained that was normal. It's disturbing how commonplace such an emotion can be.

Laurie Simmons

Modern art is fascinating. One of the most unique pieces told a story of different artists and what they were doing in each. It could have been a novel, but it was only a few short paragraphs.

The definitive pieces for me were the photographs by Laurie Simmons. The collection was entitled “Two Boys and a Love Doll”. It was staged photos of barbie dolls essentially, but there was something thought provoking behind it. I've never been more captured by artwork. I would hang it all in my entryway if I could.

The Pulitzer Arts Museum for all intensive purposes is a sculpture museum. I was so excited to hear that they were displaying works by Alexander Calder. His work is fascinating and it didn't disappoint. It was colorful and mesmerizing and three dimensional and obscene in it's creativity. I loved it. I couldn't stop myself from being a dork.

One woman asked me where I bought my shoes. She thought they were cute. She was right. It was the second best moment in the museum. It might have tied with the reflection pool. The museum was built by a famous architect. What other way could it go.

Alexander Calder

The other two artists on display were Richard Tuttle and Fred Sandback. I would argue that there were works were minimalist. I would even argue that art might be a strong word for what they were doing.

God, I sound just like Boomer.

11:39 pm

Last night at America's Best Value Inn.

My ear buds and I are listening to The 1975. The album not their new song “Medicine”. Found out that Miss Sara Bellum doesn't like them. Like truly doesn't like them. Strongly hates. It surprised me.

Buy "Medicine"

Our dinner consisted of going out scandalously clad. I was scantily covered. The Mayor didn't change. Miss Sara Bellum did. She informed me I looked like a cute lesbian from behind. I asked her if she would date me and she told there couldn't be two lipsticks in the relationship.

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

We got sushi at a bar of all places. It was empty. There was one couple there. It was about seven o'clock. Couldn't tell you the name of the bar. The food was good. There was no atmosphere. Our bartender looked like a less muscular version of Jamie Dornan with more hair. I would match with him on Tinder.

I don't know why I can't find it. It's in a more affordable part of St. Louis. A place where lot's of drinking could be down at 2:00 in the morning. We at The Grove.

We had planned on going to Bailey's Chocolate Bar for dessert. We couldn't find it. @ Google get your life. Instead we drove around downtown St. Louis. This was our first time downtown. We'd avoided it the entire trip just to find out that it's mainly banks and Hard Rock Cafe with an expensive mall. We almost ran over the same man twice, while he was trying to cross the street. There comes a point when it's not all my fault.

In a spat of going hard or going home without google we ended up on the freeway. Picture Dionne in Clueless. That was me.

Our night ended with an intense game of Parcheesi. Nothing like a dice version of Sorry to make you want to punch a best friend in the face. At some point we reverted back to Zero. A trivia based question game that was less competitive with us playing. “Name one of the six states in Australia”. Answer that none of us know this answer.

That's Americans for you.

My music has switched to Lana Del Rey and 11:57 AM seems a good time to end today. Wrapped up in a heather pink infinity loop scarf...

Buy "High By The Beach"

August 13th
8:32 am

We're checking out of our hotel today. It's going to be the last time we ever drink Thomas coffee at America's Best Value Inn. I'm trying to pack up, but I'm really just listening to The 1975's “Medicine”, eating an apple. We still have a few more stops to make in St. Louis before we go home. I want to say I'm happy.

10:22 pm

Driving for multiple hours on end has not left me exhausted. Currently I have two infinity loop scarfs wrapped around my throat and I'm trying not fall asleep. Our trip has finally come to a close.

We got dressed in our floral attire. We packed up and cleaned up. We were ready to check out of our hotel. We did that and we made our way to the St. Louis Botanical Gardens. They were amazing.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

It was the most expenisve part of our trip. The admission was eight dollars, but I could have spent the entire day there. The weather was as perfect as something without climate control can be. At the moment the gardens are hosting a Lantern Festival. I wish we'd been there at night.

Even in broad daylight they were stunning. It was perfection. There was so much to do. We couldn't have fit it all into one day. We wandered aimlessly. There's something soothing about drifting about in well manicured lawns. There was a museum we didn't have time to go in. A house built by Henry Shaw. The man who founded the gardens.

His bachelor home was amazing. Goals stamped on a house. It turned out he was a writer. For a moment we thought we'd heard of him. We mistakenly mixed his last name with that of British playwright George Bernard Shaw. Similiar but not close.

The Mayor

The most fascinating thing about Henry Shaw was that the died a bachelor. He never married. He never had children. What an interesting thing for a wealthy bachelor. It makes one wonder what he did with his spare time.

The coolest section or the most unique was the tropical rainforest area. It was covered by it's own building and it's the closest I'll ever get to the rainforest. I got the beauty without the snakes and the poisonous dart frogs. It makes you realize just how amazing everything on this planet is walking among the flora.

At one point they had a Japanese Garden. There were koi. We got to feed the koi. I have never wanted to pet a fish before and yet there we were.

Multiple signs informed us that we were not allowed to wade in the lake. I wanted to ask who would do that. Then, I realized if there was a sign that meant someone had done it. Much like the “don't feed the red fox” sign. There must be a story behind that.

Me and The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

We were wrapped up in the gardens. It was therapeutic. I understand people's obsession with gardening better now. In a more traditionally me moment we went to the gift shop. Not a thing I could afford. A hundred dollar glorified cover up? Maybe once my student loans are paid off and I've been married to a reclusive millionaire.

The gardens were so amazing we missed mass.

The twins and I planned on attending mass at the Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis. We decided to devote more time to the gardens and visit the cathedral later.

This church had me reconsidering my stance on the justice of the peace. I wanted to walk down the aisle with 2,500 of my closest friends while the organ plays and Andre Boccelli sings to me in Italian. I'm afraid I was scantily clad for such a religious place.

There happened to be a tour going on. It was fascinating. The man was much older. He was probably more then disturbed by me. I thought he was funny. He gave quite an enjoyable tour. He pointed out so much of the religious imagery I never would have caught. How the three domes represented the son, the ghost, and the holy spirit. More amazingly how there wasn't a single drop of paint in the church.

How the founder of Tiffany helped design a few of the windows. How the inside was Byzantine and the outside was Romanesque. If your in St. Louis you need to see it. As a fake catholic I was moved. All of sudden I saw myself with a Kennedy on my arm.

I can't express what it feels like to be in this place. It's surreal. Taking a moment to just sit in silence and take it all in wasn't something we had to, but it was something we needed to do. Powerful. That's how I would describe it.

By this point we had over stayed our time in St. Louis. We left our donation. Stopped at Jack in the Box and drove home. Miss Sara Bellum spent the better part of the trip asleep and it was just me and the Mayor on a drive.

Miss Sara Bellum (left), The Mayor (middle), and Me (right)

We drove in silence. We listened to Katy Perry's One of the Boys. Only the fourth time I've listend to that album all the way through. I forgot how offensive “I Kissed A Girl” and “Your So Gay” are. They may have shock value, but she comes across as a terrible person.

We dropped Hilary Duff (buy Breathe In. Breathe Out on iTunes or your local Target). Turned on The Pink Print. Rode in silence for a lot of it. But, we talked about things. We never had before. That's the thing about road trips. It compresses your eight years of friendship into four days. We talked about their oldest brother. One I couldn't even tell you his name before this.

I hate driving. But, this was pleasant. Just a steady calm of dialogue and silence intermingling. We even turned up to some classic Shania Twain. I may or may not have forced them to listen to “She's Not Just A Pretty Face” on repeat.

Buy "She's Not Just A Pretty Face"

The trip was a success. Our friendship is intact. And, sitting here typing this at 10:55 pm is a far improvement over being at work. The only thing I missed was the dog and he's right here.

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Black Friday

12/24/2014

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Merry Christmas Eve to the world. Hopefully you are opening your stockings, eating too many cookies, and soon have a mild cardiac arrest. I realize that today is not Friday and that Black Friday was last month. The thing is, I realize you all think I'm super interesting and I just have so much going on in my life. That is not true.

I am an exceedingly boring person in life and liberty. I was really hoping something exciting would come along that I could tell you instead of this, but it is kind of a funny story. So, I might as well tell you.

So, Black Friday was a very eventful day for me. I did not go shopping. No, hunty that is what Cyber Monday is for. You stay up until midnight and press order and you go back to sleep. That is my kind of shopping.

(Just in case you were wondering what I bought)

I was out with Boomer. I have not seen him in forever. I haven't seen him, since August. He did not come back over fall break, so this was the first time he was back in town, doing his thing. So, of course I was like we need to do something. I dragged him to go see The Maze Runner.

I finally got around to seeing it. Dylan O'Brien is my baby and he is in this movie. I honestly thought he was a side character, but no he was main lead. The movie was fantastic. I didn't know what it was about going into it, but it was great. Side note that Dylan O'Brien looked sexy as fuck in this movie. He's cute. That's why I like him, but in this movie he was lean and fit and just take my body kind of sexy. Honestly he's a great actor. I was surprised. I thought we would see Stiles 2.0, but no Dylan brought a whole new light to this character.

Needless to say I did not tell Boomer that the only reason I was seeing this movie was because Dylan O'Brien. It was as we were heading home that I hit someone, because I am just such a safe driver. Everyone tells me I'm a good driver. I am not.

I have had my license for two years and I have been in four wrecks. All minor, but still. I've come to realize that essentially I'm Lindsay Lohan. The funny thing about this wreck is someone said to me, do you really want to go out driving on Black Friday? I told them I would be fine. I was not.

The wreck was totally my fault. I rear ended this woman. Who was very angry and I felt so bad. I sympathize with her to be honest. She really didn't end up talking to me. Her husband did and he was super nice. He was understanding and everything.

Of course she decided to call the police. I was like nooooooooooooooo. I knew that meant I was getting a ticket. I just wanted to give her my insurance and walk away. That did not happen.

I also could not find my current insurance. I was hyperventilating. Boomer looked at me. He was like breath. You are an idiot. You have your insurance. Of course I did. Mind you while we were waiting for the police, I had on the Pentatonix Christmas album, and we were smooth like jamming out to it while we waited.

The police were super nice. I felt bad that we inconvenienced them. Not just because I got a ticket. It was just like we really did not need them. Our bumpers were a little dinged up, but the cars were still driving just fine. This was a minor wreck. She said I was going twenty miles an hour, and I wanted to tell her to calm herself. Maybe it was fifteen. Maybe.

The officer also thought I was dating Boomer. I was like please stop. This is my best friend. No.

That was what happened. I then went to work. Assuming that it would be the highlight of my day. I told everyone about my wreck. We exchanged stories. It was great and then my general manager to decided to come in. This is the same man who flipped a table and damaged my books for school. I do not like him.

He sends away my favorite manager and he decides that he is going to run the store that night. It was horrible. No one could talk or say anything. It was just awful.

Then, he tells me that I need to change the color of my hair to something natural. I have been lying to you for a very long time. Since, this blog started. I am not blonde. My hair has been gray, blue, purple. You name it. I am a natural blonde, but I am only two parts of the “Blonde, Skinny, Queen of the Internet”.

When, I started my job I was a blonde, but for the past six months my hair has not been a natural color. So, I'm just confused by my general manager. Why all of a sudden is my hair color an issue. It hasn't been a problem for six months. You missed your chance to tell me to change it, six months ago. The man has also seen my hair on numerous occasions. I work quite a bit. I do run into him.

He even told me I should do my hair orange for Halloween, so I don't get why all of a sudden it needs to be a natural color. It is not in the employee handbook, because I read it.If he wants to fire me, why doesn't he needs to come up with a better reason. Because, this one is bullshit, because he literally never said it was a problem before this.

He also said he was going to fire me if I didn't change it. Fun fact. I don't know if he was just in a funk or what, but I am applying to different jobs. I do not like being harassed.

Needless to say I got off early that night. I pushed my way past my coworker to get off before her. I am not even sorry. Update to anyone who didn't already know. I am a bitch.

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Dinner And A Murder

Road Trip! (Part Two)

Black Friday

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