Category: Black

Legs, Thighs, & Lovers

10/19/2016

Recently, I've gotten the most absurd compliments on my legs. They are long, but through a combination of poor shaving habits, bruises, and bug bites I would not define them as “attractive”. Although, apparently their what make me a solid 6 out of 10. Anyone looking for someone with legs, hit me up.

I'm not offended by this. I personally enjoy a good compliment even if it is completely full of shit. It makes one feel like their not completely wasting their 20s on botox and shots of bacardi.

I was also volunteering, as I do most Wednesday nights, when this very pleasant gentleman in his late 30s early 40s told me that “black men must love me.” I do not have extensive expertise in being hit on. It's happened a few times, all memorable, only one worth talking about, but not a single one has been outside of the broad genre of “Caucasian”. And, it's not even that broad. They've all had oatmeal complexion.

I don't know. I love the concept of being obsessed and desired by everyone, but from research and experience it's just not true. I also got hit on at Target, but I don't want to talk about that.

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Cinderella! Cinderella! Cinderella!

5/11/2016

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I won tickets to see Cinderella. And by I won tickets I mean Raven won tickets, which I think is basically the same thing. We're like an inseparable pair of hydrogen atoms. And together we went to see the live stage production of Cinderella. The classic story of a poor little girl abused by her wicked step mother.

Picture it. There I am, having come home from a hard night of partying. I'd gone to two frat parties, which is not as exciting as it sounds when I finally see my messages saying that we won the tickets.

Raven wrote a letter to her favorite professor and in return she was entered to win tickets. Together we won. All my single friends are jealous of our friendship to be honest.

The next day I got all dressed up. Decked up in my retro seventies pantsuit and a 4.5 inch gladiator wedges. My hair is fixed. I even managed to throw on some cologne. I looked beautiful and over exaggerated as usual with my flared and tapered white linen dress pants.

Cinderella was played at the most prestigious theater in town. AND, I got to bond with some of my fellow college students. We all picked up our tickets together. Raven got there early and they needed a ride and I offered to give them a ride. I may or may not have freaked out parking, but it's fine because everyone already knows I'm a bitch. And, I apologized, which doesn't always happen.

We trip our way across the cobble stones and by we I do mean me. Wedges are not meant for city walking. Stilettos are. We get in and the woman hands us a program and tells us to “enjoy the ballet”.

Excuse me. I've never seen a ballet, but raised in the heterosexual world I knew that as a male I was not supposed to enjoy this. I thought we were going to a musical and I'm not a musical person, but I enjoy going out and about to the theater.

We were three rows back. I thought I would hate the ballet. I'm sitting there, still expecting dialogue for some point, when Cinderella comes out. We have the wicked step sisters, who by far are the best part of the show, and the wicked step mother. By the time the first curtain draws a continuous stream of classical music was hammered home and not a single word was spoken.

Let me tell you, I followed the plot because I know what Cinderella is about. But, if I hadn't. No way in hell would I have followed that. It's impressive that they can tell a story through dance, but some sparse interspersed dialogue would be much appreciated.

Now one thing I do love about the ballet is that it's all ass and legs. Their bodies were amazing. Their running around on their tip toes and swinging people around.

The prince. Oh my god, let me tell you. His ass was perfect. It was pure muscle and you know he got some of that from his mother. There was plenty of bbc on the stage and you know damn well that those boys can hide those bulges if they want to.

Anyway, I say all of that to say I support the ballet. It's beautiful and magical. And, the next time your trying to help your wicked step daughters put a ballet slipper, keep your ass on that hope chest, so the servant girl can't get out and marry the prince. Amen.

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Friends

3/16/2016

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Friends are such a weird concept. They’re there for you. They come and go. Sometimes faster than the wind and they stay sometimes longer then you would ever expect. I’ve been having such a roller coaster with them lately. They know how to hurt you better than anyone and they can be closer to you then a family member that’s known you your whole life.

I’ve had such a wide array of emotions from a wide group of people. Last Friday I had a heart to heart with one. I truly thought we wouldn’t be friends any more. That might be, because I’m a dramatic cunt. But, I genuinely thought that he doesn’t care about me. He did at one point, but I didn’t know if that was true anymore. I was glad I was wrong.

One group of friends I just don’t know how I feel. I want them in my life and I don’t at the same time. I care and I don’t. I’m still low key hurt, but actually really high key. I think it’s part of me not dealing with my emotions very well.

At this point I’m not even sure if me and Sacajawea and Rosencrantz are friends. The last time I called Rosencrantz she never returned my message. But, I’ve been told that friendship is a “two way street” and that “I’m not putting in any effort.”

They’re both replacing me with a boy who’s named after a city in Texas. I shouldn’t be hurt. Friends are allowed to gain and grow close to newer and better people. I’m a petty, jealous bitch, though and that’s not how I feel.

Sacajawea said to me that she doesn’t like spending time with me, because I’m so negative. I guess that wasn’t supposed to hurt my feelings. I only have three, but it hurt all of them. If I was texting this I would have added lol.

I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her and at this point I’m not sure if she wants me to be friends with her anymore. It’s mostly my fault.

The Princes are having their troubles as couples do. It made me realize where my relationship is at with Harry. The only time he really texts me is when something is going wrong with their relationship.

And, I care, but when I heard they were having trouble I had it pegged. He’ll text me today after not replying to me for a week. We’ll hang out at some point this week. And, I was completely right. We’re hanging out tonight as I type this. I feel dull and unimportant. But, that’s okay. I’m probably over thinking it. I’ve always been worried that he thinks I’m boring and he probably does. My response to “what are you doing?” is “just took a quiz today lol”.

Black and I have been doing really well. We’ve decided to collectively change her name to “Raven”. It sounds more interesting. We’ve been spending so much time together, I’m surprised she doesn’t hate me yet.

All I really know is what Bette Midler said is true, “everyone’s got to have friends.”

Buy "Friends"

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Homecoming

3/2/2016

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Yes, bitches. Even in college we have homecoming.

Although, one of my dear friends who goes to state school laughed at us. Our homecoming is for basketball. We don't have football. Unless you mean soccer and we're undefeated in that. The new season hasn't started yet.

It was a great week of not sleeping and rekindling relationships. Except, I wasn't really rekindling anything, because I see these skanks all the time. Still that basic premise stands.

Tuesday is when it really started. We had wacky Olympics that day. All of the organizations on campus compete in these activities to determine who has the most “spirit”. The only thing is no one on campus actually has any spirit. Still we try.

Black competed in the wacky Olympics. She was the sad part of the wheelbarrow relay race. I watched from the stands cheering her on. I'd been on campus, since 9:30 that morning. I didn't leave until 11:00. I worked on this puzzle with the only heterosexual male I talk to. We put off our project. My hair fell down. It was a great day.

I want to say Wednesday went better. My hair didn't fall down. I put enough hair wax in it to stunt any growth it was thinking about. I went with Black to this singing competition. It's basically where the sororities and fraternities rework popular songs and say really mean things to each other. I personally thought the inclusion of the words “chlamydia” into Taylor Swift's “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” was very impressive.

Thursday rolled around and I didn't do anything productive. I skipped my B Law class for the second time this week. Each time I did it, I said I was going to work on the Macro study guide. We actually did it that Thursday. Not that either of us passed the test.

That week the nicest thing was said to me. I was told I was an “optimistic cunt”. This is why I keep straight boys in my life. They really bolster my esteem.

The entire week of homecoming I was trying to figure out if I was going to go to the dance. It might not be a couple's dance, but third wheeling didn't sound like fun. Even, if that's how I normally spend my Saturday. Me and Black were torn on what to do.

We went to the basketball games on Saturday. And, by basketball games I mean game. We only watched the girls. The first two quarters were dull. They murdered it in the final half. It was intense. I was personally disappointed that Black didn't find love. She is a pretty short petite girl and she honestly had better chances at finding a man, then I did.

We canceled on homecoming. We listened to Anti. Denied our school spirit. And, because we're wild children one of us had a wine cooler. It was a crazy week that ended in a crazy night at 10:00

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Yasss Lebron! Slay!!!

12/9/2015

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I went to my first professional basketball game and I was upset to find out that Lebron wasn't going to be there. Apparently he plays for some team called the “Cavaliers” and he isn't at every game. So much hate.

Picture it. I was just enjoying my life. When one of my programs at school was going to a basketball game. I signed up. I went to a hockey game with them and I was like this is my idea of a good time.

My only memories of basketball are going to my sister's games and she's twelve, thirteen years older then me? I was a baby when I went to her games. My family watches hockey and football on Thanksgiving. Go Redwings. I'm not a basketball person.

It was such an experience. I looked cute as I always do. I had a shirt with some numbers on. 69. Emblazoned ver the 69 are the words nineteen. I felt very cute and heterosexual. I had my purple plaid Shannen Dohertyesque jacket on, some tight black jeans. The quintessential wardrobe classic and these cute green bootie wedges.

The great supermodel Gisele doesn't wear heels to her husband Tom Brady's football games and yet here I am thinking this is a good idea. I mean I looked cute, but a basketball game really isn't the place for me to find love. Of course in the words of Rihanna, “we found love in a hopeless place”, so anything could happen.

We were at the very top of the stadium. Up multiple steep flights of steps I walked in my wedges. If I had fallen, it would have been over, I would have died. There would be no more blog and that's not how I want to go out.

Funny enough before we got in the stadium we had to walk back to the car in the rain, because our driver forgot her ticket. It was okay with me. I had to burn off the four tic tacs I'd eaten earlier in the day. You know that their 1.9 calories each, so I got 7.6 taken away from my waist. I applaud her

This is what I learned about basketball. I don't like basketball. It was fine, but we were so far up I couldn't tell if any of the boys were cute. Sure, they probably all had good asses and their all tall and fit. But, I can fantasize about basketball players from the comfort of my home.

I also don't think they understood the concept of playing “basketball”. Both teams kept scoring. Learn some defense. Why are we at a hundred points. I came out to have a good time. Not watch two professional basketball teams embarrass themselves.

The only thing that matters is that I bonded with Black's little. We have Bigs and Littles in our program. Much like Sororites and Fraternities have Bigs and Littles. I bonded with her little. Who is not little. She's a gorgeous lanky, basketball player, who likes my legs. I'm in love with her.

After this night I just feel complete. I've done one more thing in my life and I never have to go again. To me sporting events are social events. As long as you have good company it doesn't matter what game you're watching.

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First Week Of SChool

9/15/2015

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Picture it. I was with the twins. I said to them that I didn't know what to write about for a What's Happening Wednesday. They told me why don't I write about school. I told them I may only have eight readers, but I try to be more interesting then that.

And, yet here I am.

I should preface that my well adjusted self (I had relatively few emotional breakdowns this summer in comparison to the school year) has crashed. Everything is falling apart and my life is a train wreck, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

On Sunday I was with the twins. The day before class starts. And, I was casually discussing the hate comment I received on my video “Tip Thy Waiter”. Both Joyce and Black have claimed it as my best. So this isn't actually related to my emotional breakdown at school, but I'm working there.

Needless to say, I showed them the comment. And, they saw the name of the person who commented and they said isn't that Waldo's real name. You see Waldo is his nickname. That's why I never put it together. I've seen Waldo on a few occasions, but we weren't friends. We also weren't enemies.

The worst part of discovering that my hater is someone I know means that I'm not famous. I'm also confused why he would say it. Waldo is everyone's timid boring next door neighbor bisexual. Honestly, I'm not sure how I was supposed to respond. You can use homophobic slurs all day long, and I'll be like #accurate. Apparently Waldo has been dating a nice boy who bags groceries. All this boy wants to do is have sex in the back of his car. And, my response to Waldo through the internet is to ask him whether it's a nice car or not.

I ran into someone that I kind of sort of liked. I never talked about it on the blog. It was an the end of the school year kind of thing. I thought I was over it. Of course I knew I wasn't and here I am typing out this article emotionally unhinged.

My first day look was the same one I wore on my trip to St. Louis with the twins. It was summery and bright. For some reason one of my fellow homosexuals decided to step his A game up. He's always had nice hair, just not the way he styled it. He has nice clothes, there just not put together well. Yet, here this little bitch is in my Detective Fiction class looking more then decent. What the fuck.

Let's not even talk about Math 106. That's not just a simple math class, but calculus based. Shout out to my math teacher for pointing that out. That is filed under information I didn't need to know.

Warner also didn't sit next to me. He sat next to this other boy who I'm sure is very nice, but what the fuck. He should have sensed that my aura is approaching and waited for me. I can be a very petty homosexual. Side note that I ended up sitting next to this girl who is so gorgeous it didn't matter that my outfit could have been in the pages of Teen Vogue I looked like a wet paper towel next to her. The girl was ***Flawless.

I also refused to acknowledge Warner in public. I'm petty. I like being texted first. I like being acknowledged first and I don't apologize. He didn't say hi to me until Thursday.

He's unobservant as fuck. I'm actually texting him right now and ignoring his message. To be fair I didn't see when he texted me this Monday until Wednesday. He said “Surprise Bitch!” and it took all my good will not to ask him why he was trying to be Emma Roberts.

We might have a volatile relationship. Let me correct that. One of my coworkers said I should drop this friendship and part of me agrees with that. But, as petty as I can be I know I'd miss him if I didn't talk to him.

Emma Roberts stars in the new Fox series Scream Queens that airs on Tuesdays.

I also went to the GSA meeting. This year I will be a proud member of the Gay Straight Alliance. Most importantly I will be active. I introduced myself as a Freshman Marketing Major. Multiple people had to tell me I was a sophmore. That was awkward. And, yes my favorite superhero is Green Lantern. Ryan Reynolds looked sexy as fuck in that movie.

That was a Wednesday. It was my last day with the twins. I got pulled over getting home. Hyperventilated, cried. The officer was very nice. Then, I got stuck in traffic for an hour and thirty five minutes where I occasionally shouted “WHY IS THE TRAFFIC SO BAD!”. It took twenty minutes to get through one light. On the bright side I did get to listen to the entirety of Sheryl Crow's Tuesday Night Music Club, so that was exciting.

Of course our plans were time sensitive. We were going to play trivia with our mothers. You may or may not know that our team name always has Beyonce it. One team's name was “We Are Always Beyonce”. Much like Warner they should have sensed our aura. We had of course not been to trivia recently. We'd been in St. Louis. Wisdom teeth (not mine) had been removed. Trivia had not been our plate.

BUT THESE LITTLE BITCHES STOLE OUR NAME.

I am not upset about this. Salty, perhaps. But, upset no. We lost terribly. They helped to not dilute our brand recognition. The questions were based on The Office. I know that John Krasinski is married to Emily Blunt that is the extent of my knowledge.

That was my week. Now I'm here typing, waiting to go see Joyce receive $10,000 for being an awesome student. I'm not kidding. That's the gist of it.

Until next time where hopefully my life involves more then school starting up.

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Road Trip! (Part Two)

9/9/2015

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The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

August 12th
7:30 am

This morning I was getting dressed for the day and I couldn't figure out why I have four more outfits for the next two days. I also have five pairs of shoes for a four day trip, but not even that merciless shower head could beat the answer into me.

In other news I sleep deprived myself just enough that I wasn't kept up by the air conditioning unit. Ready for today.

5:13 pm

Today's itinerary started off really well. We couldn't find the cemetery or more accurately google maps couldn't find it. It dropped us off near this very dated fifties suburban community. All the inhabitants were octogenerians. I assumed they lived close to the cemetery for a shorter commute when they had a heart attack. Somewhere along the way we realized Davy Lane was not where our beloved cemetery was. We had hoped to gain cultural knowledge and most importantly take aesthetic pictures.

We gave up and settled on our next stop. The Outlet Mall. We got there at 9:30. It didn't open until 10:00. Our options were clear. Find somewhere else to spend our time. Google did not fail us this time. We settled on a coffee shop in St. Charles. It had Picasso in the title. It seemed quaint. I was the only one who got coffee. It was called Black Forrest and was supposed to taste of cherry's. It served it's purpose about as well as Boomer likes modern art (he's not a fan).

St. Charles was an amazing detour in our plans. Apparently it hosts one of the largest craft fairs in the country. We spent our time on Main Street. Went in a few of the shops. Our favorite was April's. It was an eclectic hodge podge of ceramic items. Decorations. The shop was run by these three women.

One was this fiery redhead. Her personality reminded me of Julia Robert's in Runaway Bride. One of the men who worked there was getting married on Halloween to his partner and the wedding was appropriately themed. It was life goals if I wasn't a justice of the peace kind of gay.

We actually bought something. Usually boutique shopping involves a lot of browsing. We did that. But, this store was within three college students price ranges. The twins bought two hand towels. One for their mother and the other for their brother's fiancee. Miss Sara Bellum splurged and bought a good luck token for her dorm room.

Miss Sara Bellum

Me and The Mayor

A gallery was opened down the street. The artwork was reasonably priced if you weren't in a dorm room with cinder block walls. There was shoe shop named Gene's that catered to visiting Floridians. Bars and restaurants dotted the street. A club was in one of the buildings. If only we were twenty one.

I never would have thought to stop in St. Charles. Or even thought of it as a destination choice, but it's something I wish I'd been able to see more of. It was picturesque. You could spend a solid day exploring it or trying to get off the roundabout. Which, ever came first.

We returned to the Outlet Mall. A little off course for the days itinerary. We went in a book store. I believe it was called Books a Million or some variation of that. They sold Italian Vogue. That sold me. There were expensive fashion magazines. Paris Hilton graced the cover of one glossy mag. One magazine called Girls on Boys was particularly fascinating. The men were more Miss Sara Bellum's taste then mine. I can't help my fondness for the all American wind tousled virgins.

I ended up buying a discounted Chelsea Chelsea, Bang Bang hardcover. A Chelsea Handler original. Hopefully there will be an article coming out on soon after I read it, which might not be until Thanksgiving.

We were not as successful clothes wise as we might have hoped. We found one thing at Burlington Coat Factory. A pair of shorts for the sexy Sara Bellum. Rainbow was useless. Surprisingly it was Charlotte Russe that we did well. I got two scarves for two dollars each. I couldn't help myself. The twins tried on clothes. Bought clothes. So many I can't remember. Most of my time was spent trying on Boho hats and twerking to Britney Spear's “Pretty Girls” with what little ass I have.

Buy "Pretty Girls"

The Mayor

Right now all the lights are off and the twins are asleep and I'm trying to read a map for the Laumier Sculpture Park. Your favorite blogger is also wrapped in a cars blanket, because the twins have a penchant for cold weather. Something I soon figured out with complaints over the 85 degree heat.

Miss Sara Bellum

In a true spot of sophistication. We got takeout from Panda Express and ate our food in the sculpture park under the shade of a beautiful trade. I was in my four inch wedges and I had little idea that the pathways were gravel and so much was off road. The map I have spread out makes little more sense now then it did at the park. We planned on walking one of the three trails. Either the ten minute Whitaker Woods Trail or the twenty five minute Central Pathway. We did a little of all trails and marveled at all the work.

The Mayor (left) and Miss Sara Bellum (Right)

The Mayor

The twins seemed particularly entranced by the eyeball. I can't say what I liked the best. It was just nice being outside in comfortable weather looking at everything St. Louis has to offer.

The most interesting find was the Dog Museum. One I consistently refer to as the Doge Museum. The grounds were beautiful. You could bring your dog inside the museum. We had left our babies at home. There was little reading to do. There were portraits of dogs. Sculptures. It was a quick jaunt into man's best friend and a woman's too if the poodle has on a diamond choker collar.

There was a dog house nicer then my room. Portraits by Maude Earl. A British painter famous for her work on dogs. The most reading intensive part of the exhibit revolved around service dogs. It's hard not to be amazed at how capable these animals are.

The educational side of our stay in St. Louis ended with a stop at the Contemporary Art Museum of St. Louis and the Pulitzer Arts Museum. Both which are right next door to each other.

Our first stop was at the Contemporary Art Museum. It attacked me. There's a gash on my leg from where a table cut me open. It congealed before it raced onto my white shoes. I can still feel it throbbing.

The Pulitzer Arts Museum

The Contemporary Art Museum of St. Louis

It had portraits by Liat Yossifor that dealt with the aesthetic of cave painting and the intuitive act of finger painting. Her works were mostly solid white with different textures and only limited use of primary color. One of the works on display was entitled Yellow II.

Liat Yossifor

They were also doing an entire demonstration called the Sanatorium. We were only able to participate in one of the parts available. It was interactive and was supposed to gauge ways to help people achieve group therapy. We wrote down our darkest secrets tied it up with twine and read one of the previous respondents answer.

Mine discussed how lonely they felt even among people they were close to. The curator explained that was normal. It's disturbing how commonplace such an emotion can be.

Laurie Simmons

Modern art is fascinating. One of the most unique pieces told a story of different artists and what they were doing in each. It could have been a novel, but it was only a few short paragraphs.

The definitive pieces for me were the photographs by Laurie Simmons. The collection was entitled “Two Boys and a Love Doll”. It was staged photos of barbie dolls essentially, but there was something thought provoking behind it. I've never been more captured by artwork. I would hang it all in my entryway if I could.

The Pulitzer Arts Museum for all intensive purposes is a sculpture museum. I was so excited to hear that they were displaying works by Alexander Calder. His work is fascinating and it didn't disappoint. It was colorful and mesmerizing and three dimensional and obscene in it's creativity. I loved it. I couldn't stop myself from being a dork.

One woman asked me where I bought my shoes. She thought they were cute. She was right. It was the second best moment in the museum. It might have tied with the reflection pool. The museum was built by a famous architect. What other way could it go.

Alexander Calder

The other two artists on display were Richard Tuttle and Fred Sandback. I would argue that there were works were minimalist. I would even argue that art might be a strong word for what they were doing.

God, I sound just like Boomer.

11:39 pm

Last night at America's Best Value Inn.

My ear buds and I are listening to The 1975. The album not their new song “Medicine”. Found out that Miss Sara Bellum doesn't like them. Like truly doesn't like them. Strongly hates. It surprised me.

Buy "Medicine"

Our dinner consisted of going out scandalously clad. I was scantily covered. The Mayor didn't change. Miss Sara Bellum did. She informed me I looked like a cute lesbian from behind. I asked her if she would date me and she told there couldn't be two lipsticks in the relationship.

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

We got sushi at a bar of all places. It was empty. There was one couple there. It was about seven o'clock. Couldn't tell you the name of the bar. The food was good. There was no atmosphere. Our bartender looked like a less muscular version of Jamie Dornan with more hair. I would match with him on Tinder.

I don't know why I can't find it. It's in a more affordable part of St. Louis. A place where lot's of drinking could be down at 2:00 in the morning. We at The Grove.

We had planned on going to Bailey's Chocolate Bar for dessert. We couldn't find it. @ Google get your life. Instead we drove around downtown St. Louis. This was our first time downtown. We'd avoided it the entire trip just to find out that it's mainly banks and Hard Rock Cafe with an expensive mall. We almost ran over the same man twice, while he was trying to cross the street. There comes a point when it's not all my fault.

In a spat of going hard or going home without google we ended up on the freeway. Picture Dionne in Clueless. That was me.

Our night ended with an intense game of Parcheesi. Nothing like a dice version of Sorry to make you want to punch a best friend in the face. At some point we reverted back to Zero. A trivia based question game that was less competitive with us playing. “Name one of the six states in Australia”. Answer that none of us know this answer.

That's Americans for you.

My music has switched to Lana Del Rey and 11:57 AM seems a good time to end today. Wrapped up in a heather pink infinity loop scarf...

Buy "High By The Beach"

August 13th
8:32 am

We're checking out of our hotel today. It's going to be the last time we ever drink Thomas coffee at America's Best Value Inn. I'm trying to pack up, but I'm really just listening to The 1975's “Medicine”, eating an apple. We still have a few more stops to make in St. Louis before we go home. I want to say I'm happy.

10:22 pm

Driving for multiple hours on end has not left me exhausted. Currently I have two infinity loop scarfs wrapped around my throat and I'm trying not fall asleep. Our trip has finally come to a close.

We got dressed in our floral attire. We packed up and cleaned up. We were ready to check out of our hotel. We did that and we made our way to the St. Louis Botanical Gardens. They were amazing.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

It was the most expenisve part of our trip. The admission was eight dollars, but I could have spent the entire day there. The weather was as perfect as something without climate control can be. At the moment the gardens are hosting a Lantern Festival. I wish we'd been there at night.

Even in broad daylight they were stunning. It was perfection. There was so much to do. We couldn't have fit it all into one day. We wandered aimlessly. There's something soothing about drifting about in well manicured lawns. There was a museum we didn't have time to go in. A house built by Henry Shaw. The man who founded the gardens.

His bachelor home was amazing. Goals stamped on a house. It turned out he was a writer. For a moment we thought we'd heard of him. We mistakenly mixed his last name with that of British playwright George Bernard Shaw. Similiar but not close.

The Mayor

The most fascinating thing about Henry Shaw was that the died a bachelor. He never married. He never had children. What an interesting thing for a wealthy bachelor. It makes one wonder what he did with his spare time.

The coolest section or the most unique was the tropical rainforest area. It was covered by it's own building and it's the closest I'll ever get to the rainforest. I got the beauty without the snakes and the poisonous dart frogs. It makes you realize just how amazing everything on this planet is walking among the flora.

At one point they had a Japanese Garden. There were koi. We got to feed the koi. I have never wanted to pet a fish before and yet there we were.

Multiple signs informed us that we were not allowed to wade in the lake. I wanted to ask who would do that. Then, I realized if there was a sign that meant someone had done it. Much like the “don't feed the red fox” sign. There must be a story behind that.

Me and The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

We were wrapped up in the gardens. It was therapeutic. I understand people's obsession with gardening better now. In a more traditionally me moment we went to the gift shop. Not a thing I could afford. A hundred dollar glorified cover up? Maybe once my student loans are paid off and I've been married to a reclusive millionaire.

The gardens were so amazing we missed mass.

The twins and I planned on attending mass at the Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis. We decided to devote more time to the gardens and visit the cathedral later.

This church had me reconsidering my stance on the justice of the peace. I wanted to walk down the aisle with 2,500 of my closest friends while the organ plays and Andre Boccelli sings to me in Italian. I'm afraid I was scantily clad for such a religious place.

There happened to be a tour going on. It was fascinating. The man was much older. He was probably more then disturbed by me. I thought he was funny. He gave quite an enjoyable tour. He pointed out so much of the religious imagery I never would have caught. How the three domes represented the son, the ghost, and the holy spirit. More amazingly how there wasn't a single drop of paint in the church.

How the founder of Tiffany helped design a few of the windows. How the inside was Byzantine and the outside was Romanesque. If your in St. Louis you need to see it. As a fake catholic I was moved. All of sudden I saw myself with a Kennedy on my arm.

I can't express what it feels like to be in this place. It's surreal. Taking a moment to just sit in silence and take it all in wasn't something we had to, but it was something we needed to do. Powerful. That's how I would describe it.

By this point we had over stayed our time in St. Louis. We left our donation. Stopped at Jack in the Box and drove home. Miss Sara Bellum spent the better part of the trip asleep and it was just me and the Mayor on a drive.

Miss Sara Bellum (left), The Mayor (middle), and Me (right)

We drove in silence. We listened to Katy Perry's One of the Boys. Only the fourth time I've listend to that album all the way through. I forgot how offensive “I Kissed A Girl” and “Your So Gay” are. They may have shock value, but she comes across as a terrible person.

We dropped Hilary Duff (buy Breathe In. Breathe Out on iTunes or your local Target). Turned on The Pink Print. Rode in silence for a lot of it. But, we talked about things. We never had before. That's the thing about road trips. It compresses your eight years of friendship into four days. We talked about their oldest brother. One I couldn't even tell you his name before this.

I hate driving. But, this was pleasant. Just a steady calm of dialogue and silence intermingling. We even turned up to some classic Shania Twain. I may or may not have forced them to listen to “She's Not Just A Pretty Face” on repeat.

Buy "She's Not Just A Pretty Face"

The trip was a success. Our friendship is intact. And, sitting here typing this at 10:55 pm is a far improvement over being at work. The only thing I missed was the dog and he's right here.

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Tear It Down

6/24/2015

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Two new pieces of artwork have been installed in my bedroom and bathroom. One is geometrical and sexy and the other one is a park bench that I have hung up the wrong way. Your probably asking yourself. How much did this artwork cost. It was free.

You probably weren't asking this question, but quite recently my school decided to tear down one of the buildings on campus. Actually, it wasn't recently. They made this decision two years, but they just now got around to actually doing it. They had this whole celebration regarding it's demolition. As per usual my school tries to be fancy and it did not succeed. There was a marching band that was not very good and the only people who showed up were like eighty years old.

Black and I decided to go and it was honestly so exciting. They told us to take anything we wanted from the building. It used to be the arts building on campus. It was a treasure hunt.

Mind you I was doing all of this in my walking shoes. 6 inch blue platform wedges. There my most comfortable shoes and it really wasn't a struggle, but I could tell everyone else was like you are going to die. For some reason there were lockers in this building. It was the oldest building on campus and at some point they decided lockers were necessary.

There was a lot of mess in these lockers. Teddy bears, a box of chocolates, a stack of video cassettes I took. Black and I are going to watch them at some point this summer. Different versions of the phrase “Co Gai Bo Long” are written on all the sides. Do I know what that means? No. I am hoping this isn't some version of the ring? You better believe it.

We also found this ornate green candy dish. It was in one of the lockers for some reason. I don't have any answers for this. I don't think my school has even torn this building down, yet. It's a mess. We ended up finding all of the art in the basement.

The basement scares me. Joyce and I cleaned a room down there for this art project this year and she tried to leave me in there alone and I was like try again. We had this project at school and we graffitied up one of the art rooms. You can see my polka dots on one of the walls. I'm a very talented artist.

It's a cool building. The heating and cooling system just doesn't work. It's also supposed to be haunted. Some woman apparently hung herself in one of the stairwells. A mother and her child apparently froze to death in one of the archways. One of the older people was telling this story, so I might not have it right. It honestly doesn't make sense to me, but that's the story.

All of these spirits are supposed to be in the attic. I don't know why they decided to habitat the same place, but okay. One of the programs I'm in had an annual tradition of telling ghost stories in there for Halloween. I'm sure it was terrifying. I'm just thinking if we tear this building down aren't the spirits going to be in the new building. It's supposed to be finished my junior year and we'll see how well that goes.

The new building is modern and retro and plated with glass and I love it. There was this huge reveal by the President of the new design and I was just like lol one of my teachers showed me these pictures the day you revealed them to the faculty.

It was really great to reminiscence in a building that I never had a class in. I would go in once in a while. I almost fell down a flight of stairs when I was by myself there. That is the amount of my happy memories there.

I wanted Thunder to go, but she was doing something with the boy toy and I was like okay. It was just such a fun day. Do things like this. They might be silly, but I got to spend time with Black who also got some awesome artwork. It was just so nice. That was just a great day.

I spent the rest of it with the twins, because it was there birthday. And, if you want to know about that, it was the subject of my last Tasty Tuesday.

Link to: Eat A Hamburger

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My Place of Business

6/10/2015

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My job is boring if we're being really honest. I enjoy my minimum wage job. It's not the most glamorous thing on this earth, but it pays for my not so luxurious lifestyle. For the most part I enjoy the people I work with. They are a mess. The collective group of people I work with could only be assembled at a no skills required place of employment.

I go to school with one of my coworkers. And, what's so funny is I never told him we went to the same school. I was at school doing my thing one day when he ran into me and he seriously asked me what I was doing there. And, I was just like I go here? He's honestly my favorite. Everyone loves him. Now, his brother not so much.

His brother is just a lot of something. I don't mind working with him, but he's got too much going on. Rumor has it that he dated one of my male coworkers who looks like a cross between neo-nazi and a naked mole rat. Now, I might have started that. At this point I'm really not sure. But, his girlfriend does not like the neo-nazi and his brother told me that some personal things happened between them that he doesn't like him. Now, I'm not saying that means anything. BUT.

Both of this boys respective ex boyfriend and current girlfriend are weird as fuck. I don't like either of them. They make my skin crawl. The funny thing about his girlfriend is how unbridled my aggression is towards her. It's not even shade anymore. It's you literally suck at your job and you are pathetic. She comes into work late and she can't even pay her rent. Her hours got cut recently and I laughed. On the floor, fucking died. Am I terrible person, yes. Do I care? No, because I don't like her.

A few months ago my least favorite coworker quit. She was such a liar. All she did was lie. She has told me that she is attracted to personality, that she could never have sex with a girl, is bisexual, wants to give one of my coworkers a blow job all over the course of 3 weeks. She was also so loud and apparently her mother is dying. She works at McDonald's now. Let me tell you, it's not a step up for her. This girl even told one of my managers that I violently pushed into something. No one believed her. I will throw shade, I will give you side eyed, but I am weak ass bitch. I am not getting into a physical fight with someone. It would have been more believable if she said that I called her “a fucking bitch”. If my manager had come to me with that. I would have been like tru.

I talked about this a few months ago during the 12 Days of Bubbles, but one of my now delinquent coworkers had a sex tape. She was fingering herself and everyone at work saw it. Everyone at her school saw it. It was a mess.

There are multiple people I work with that have wanted to pursue music careers. One dropped a mixtape. He's in jail now. Tried robbing someone with a water gun apparently. The other one just got out of high school and he's not cute enough to be the next Shawn Mendes. And, he sings all the fucking time at work. In this high pitched falsetto that you can tell he's trying, but that it's not good. I'm like stop.

There's this one girl who's very heroin addict chic. Her baby daddy is in prison. She keeps telling us he's a good man, and I'm like but he's in prison. Her parents watch her son for her. And, I'm just like your life is fucking mess. She said that all girls are whores and the feminist in me looked at her side eyed. I was like okay huntie. Apparently one of her men cheated on her. This story was more of a mess then I'm telling it. But, let me tell you. It was Lifetime Original Movie tragic.

My favorite coworker has literally had sex in the back. I'm like oh my god. She's dating this dorky cute guy now and she leaves me early to go spend time with him. I don't know why she doesn't want to be at work. I am more fun then any flaccid dick she is getting with this man. But, I'm not salty about it.

I'm a little salty about it.

Two girls I work with are having intense boy problems. They're both dealing with multiple boys liking them and being jealous and calling them bitches. And, I'm just like this is why you don't date guys with big trucks. I hate their friends and if I'd met them at school I would not have been a fan. But, I love them to death and I want to know why there only ever seems to be one shitty boy in my life. I would enjoy being in a triangle or a trapezoid as some of you are.

Now this is probably the best. One of my coworkers has had sex with a dog. I want to tell you more and describe said person, but people I work with could read this and they'd be like. And, I'd be like. And, I really like this person even if I'm like how did this happen. I've kept this secret for months now and I'm really not sure how accurate it is. One of the southern belles I worked with told me. I love her to death, but that girl is not one you can just trust with information.

At the end of the day my coworkers and I are family. I fucking hate them sometimes, but we still spend time together. And, a little part of me would miss them if they got fired.

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Dance. Sex. Tech.

5/27/2015

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I've never broken dress code before.

It started that morning when I was getting dressed to go to school. After I got out of class I was driving three hours to meet my favorite twins to go see a drag queen. The question of course is what do you wear to meet a drag queen?

I threw on this cute crop top. That has long sleeves by the way. WHY. Then, I threw on this cute eighties, Shannen Dohertyesque jacket on over it, put on my tightest skinny jeans, and my four and a half inch leopard print wedges (because why not) and sashayed out to school.

Now at my school no one said anything about what I was wearing. This really sweet octogenarian even told me I looked like a model. Praise her. I will take my compliments where I can get them. Of course I locked myself out of my car. Again. This is the third time in the past month. Normally, I'm not that worried. I can just stay on campus until someone can get me a ride. But, that day I had plans. I had to leave. I shamelessly asked five people to help until my favorite English major was like I got you boo.

She loves James Joyce and honestly I judge for it. I appreciate The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man as a literary achievement, but that doesn't mean I like him. So, Joyce helped me out and we bonded. Talked shit about people had a good time. And , then I got in my car to go.

It was an all around mess. It was raining. And, the last time I'd driven on the freeway for an extended period of time, I was sixteen, and almost ran off the road. Friendly, reminder do not take long road trips while listening to Jenny Lewis. You need turn up music. And, as much as I love her that was not the way to start the trip off.

Needless to say three hours later I arrive (safely) on their campus. And, I'm walking up to their dorm with my jacket open, because I have a crop top. And, I might as well let people know I have a flat stomach while it's still present. When the Mayor is all like “Oh my god, you look fabulous, but you're breaking dress code.”

This is a college campus and I am breaking dress code. Apparently, I can be fined for it. I am showing my midriff. Please calm yourself. You also aren't allowed to swear on their campus. What the fuck is that. And, they have a curfew. What kind of regressive nonsense is that. Their campus is beautiful, but let's be real it's not that beautiful.

The reason I drove up to see them was so we could go see Pearl. The most beautiful drag queen off of the seventh season of RuPaul's Drag Race. She was performing that night and I was like yes god. Her show started at 11:00, so before that. We had time to kill.

They took me to their Forever 21. It was huge. I spent too much money. And, I'm actually regretting the fact that I didn't buy this cute black crop top and this floral printed top. But, they were both long sleeved and it's basically summer now. When am I going to wear that. October.

Probably the most surprising thing was when we went to this Thai food restaurant. It was amazing. The twins are picky eaters. I did not anticipate them picking this place. We shared everything. We got sushi, crab wontons, some not quite amazing beef skewer things, and this hella fancy french fries with like goat cheese on them or something. It was amazing.

And, the waiters. They were all hot. Practically. They all wore all black and we got the second cutest waiter. At one point they all walked out together and it was a fashion show. They strutted. It was amazing. I was ready to whore myself out and the twins were cleavage bearing. But, I was most certainly the whore of the group.

At this point we actually went over to the club. I have never been clubbing before, so this was an experience. We didn't actually do a lot of dancing. We wanted good close standing to see Pearl peform. Poor life choice when all of you have on your wedges. This was a Friday. I'm sitting here on a Sunday and my toes are still a little numb.

They had some amateur drag before Pearl's show and that was a ratchet mess, but I loved it. You really haven't lived until you've seen a drag queen lipsync to “I Will Always Love You”. Not all of them wore heels and that was a disappointment. You may be amateur, but huntie gots to get their 1 inch kitten heels on.

The twins both had wedges on. Shorter then mine, but they also don't wear them every day like I do. They were like we need to find a place to sit down for a moment. During this process I casually ran into this really cute guy, who most certainly objectified me. It's like I appreciate that you enjoy my flat stomach. But, please calm yourself.

He actually stood behind us for part of the show and Miss Sara Bellum pointed him out to me. She certainly knows my taste in men.

Honestly, being surrounded by cute gay men is kind of my thing. There was so much aesthetic going on. There was this drink server. I think they said his name was Clive. He had on a tight pair of jeans and a crop top with “I Woke Up Like This” blazoned across it. He was even doing the Freddie Mercury mustache. I felt his look.

Now, when Pearl's actual set came on. We were surrounded by this group of friends. It was three guys. And, do you ever get the feeling that friends have fucked each other. That's the vibe they had. Like, sure they were friends. But, at some point they had been a little bit extra. These boys were extra. One had bleach blonde hair with half of it shaved off. It wasn't for me. The second one didn't have good hair, but he was kind of non descriptive. The third. Lord. His hair was on point, but not a good point. He had this Mohawk. His hair was piled up. It was immaculate. It was amazing. It just wasn't a good look.

Of course they were obnoxious as fuck. That's fine. They had this female friend, who I thought was really pretty. The twins did not agree. At one point she threatened to throw her drink at this queen who was lip syncing to “Let It Go”. I honestly felt her. This girl's hair was immaculate. It was straight and blonde. There was not an extra ounce fat on her. Her dress was orange and electric. Her heels were high. I appreciated her.

The actual show itself was pretty amazing. There were four other queens with Pearl. They opened by doing a lip sync to “Lady Marmalade”. The one representing P!NK was on fire. Then, this queen named Princess started to dictate the show. She was funny. She had tattoos. She was amazing. Honestly, what she did is what I wish Pearl had done. At the end of the show I felt like I got to know Princess better then Pearl. All of Princess's lip sync's were on point. Her final one was a mash up of Lily Allen's “Fuck You”, Big Sean's “I Don't Fuck With You”, and Cee Lo Green's “Fuck You”. They all had the corresponding theme of fuck to prove how ladylike she was.

There was a little part of me that was worried about Pearl's lipsync performance. On Drag Race. She did not bring it. Apparently, though when she has time to choreograph her moves, Pearl can rock. She was amazing and electric. She was fidgety and Pearl looked sexy as fuck. Her pants were tight and good. Her nose ring was classy without over doing it. I loved her look.

The only disappointing part of the night was that we didn't get to take a picture with Pearl. The line was a mess. An absolute mess. I swear it didn't move at all. And, the twins had a curfew. Their school needs to calm itself.

They were more disappointed then I was about not getting the picture. Knowing me I would have looked awkward as fuck and then I would have felt obligated to put it in this blog post. That just wouldn't have worked.

We did struggle to actually get back to their dorms. It doesn't matter that they've lived here for a year at this point. They had no idea how to get home. Do not rely on a GPS to the point where you can't function without it.

My drive home was great. It rained the whole way. But, I had turn up music on the whole time. That Rihanna. That Madonna. That Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Shout out to them for aiding in my hearing loss. I got home and my parents asked me how the concert was and until that moment I had totally forgot that I told them I was seeing Walk The Moon instead of a drag queen at a gay bar.