Category: Boyfriend

Cry Baby

10/12/2016

They call me a cry baby, but I don't fucking care!

I've never been called a cry baby. Emotionally dead inside, but not an emotional tear jerker. Recently I saw Melanie Martinez on her Cry Baby tour. I've made it a habit of going to a lot of concerts this year and Melanie Martinez did not disappoint.

I got there an hour before the show was supposed to start with my escort. We parked and I would say we parallel parked, but it was not that intricate. Despite getting there when the doors opened, we stood around the corner for 57 minutes to get in. Security was doing searches. Something I appreciated after lax checks at the Sheryl Crow concert.

Nothing is probably going to happen, but probably is never a good way to prioritize your life. The show was fantastic. Handsome Ghost opened (they were more attractive up close then expected) and Melanie Martinez ran around her Cry Baby stage. There was a wolf and adequately costumed musicians on top of the birthday cake.

She ended the night saying she'd “be back” and that there would be a new album (!) next year. We shall see if that's true, but I ran into an old high school friend with my arms dressed in fishnet stockings. Met her boyfriend and I'm sure he was just obsessed with me.

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Hangers & A Sweater Later

1/6/2016

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The holiday season has finally wrapped up. I for one am happy. The only good part about Christmas is having RuPaul's Christmas album on repeat. Something that I do in June anyway. People mention “hot chocolate” and “snow”. These are not specific Christmas. The only thing specific to Christmas is midnight mass and I would rather be asleep.

So, picture it. I'm having a great time playing Dirty Santa. I was a great person. I brought two gifts. One was a half eaten box of candy corn, the other was a pair of baby wedges. That my sister said her daughter was “too young for”. There is never a time you are too young to be fashionable.

My gift was well received by the masses. All were disappointed when they found they couldn't shove their foot inside them. Black was horrified when it was revealed that her gift was a box of half eaten candy corn. She forgot to bring her own and I kindly acquiesced. It was also wrapped in a trash bag.

Black also informed me that her name on the blog was “unoriginal”. Stay updated in case there is a change in name, now that an official complaint has been lodged.

You are probably asking what I won. At first it was a box of tissue and a copy of 25. Then, my favorite Prince William manipulated someone into stealing his gift, so he could rob me. I have never felt more violated in my life. It ended all right, though. I ended up a sweater and two scarf hangers richer.

Of course I switched into the sweater. Tacky Christmas sweater have their place and two hours in one was enough for me.

After our school function. Prince William invited me and Black to spend the better part of the night with his boyfriend Prince Harry. Black rode with Prince William, because I drove too slow.

It was fine, though. It gave me and Prince Harry a chance to bond and catch up with one another. Prince William and Prince Harry are my favorite couple I adore them. They are the better part of my social life, so when and if they ever break up my life will be ruined.

The night was very low key. I lost at all incarnations of Mario. Super Mario Smash Bros. Mario Kart 8. It seemed no matter what I did, I was not destined to be good at these games. And, it's fine. I personally enjoy losing every single time.

We stayed up until about 1:30 in the morning doing this and I promise I was not mad. At. All. But, honestly fuck them. I was so mad.

At this point Black and I decided we should go home. She had to be picked up from school by her father. At 2:00 in the morning. Personally that would be a strong case for me to teach my daughter to drive.

I get home. Unlock the door. The dog has a jingle bell collar on. He looks cute and my father for some reason is awake. He asks me where I got the sweater from. I look down at it. Thinking that my tacky Christmas sweater is in the car when I tell him that I got it from Prince William.

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Pride And Me

10/28/2015

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I didn't plan on writing about Pride. I was like something interesting will happen to me. Well, here I am.

This was my first experience with the Pride. I've come to the realization that I strongly dislike people, but I was like I need to do this once. At least once. That way I can say I did it, I've been there. I've survived it.

Let me tell you. It was not completely horrible. I got a free pin. It did say “Y'all Means All”, but that's besides the point. Free is free. I got a condom necklace, because who doesn't need a condom necklace. Safety first everyone.

I also saw a dress made entirely out of condoms. If that is not the solitary event that completes your life, I don't know what is.

I looked cute as I always do and despite attempting to look like a stone cold bitch who is not to be approached, someone, I did not know, talked to me. ME. He said to me that I should see an opera at least once. I had made a remark that I would never go to the opera.

He told me that it was like “a really intense musical”. He was horribly misled in thinking that would sway me. In many ways I am a stereotype, but I pick the parts I enjoy. About the only musicals I stand behind are Grease and Wicked. Fight me on it.

As usual we saw a slew of drag queens. One had on crocs. Heels are a bitch, but we need to have higher standards then that. One bitch didn't blend. I get it. We're painting for the back of the room, but she was painting for the aliens drinking the water on Mars.

Funniest moment. One of the spectators behind me said “She's a bitch” before dramatically flaunting away. Loves it.

I also met our GSA president's boyfriend. He likes cars. He seems really nice and he's in high school. A baby senior. While, our president is a senior in college. I think it's some what scandalous. Then, come to find out he dated a 41 year old last year. I was sitting down enjoying my french fries and this nice bearded man's cover of an Ed Sheeran song when our President's boyfriend goes off to smoke

One of our President's old friends comes over and they talk about their exes. His friend dated a 48 year old and he's only six months older then my 21 year old president. Hey, Lolita. Hey.

I spent most of my day with this girl. She's funny. She's an accounting major. I'm fairly sure she's from Florida, which I loves. She's bisexual and everything I needed in my life. That was really nice. I even ran into Joyce with her friend who swallows.

Worst moment of the day came when we were in the parade. It was not great. It was raining. It was crowded. It was 5 of the worst minutes of my life, but it's over. I come home only slightly wet. My parents asked me what I'd been doing and I told them I'd been doing community service.

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The Ten Week Break

9/30/2015

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Way back when in June, Sacajawea and I were supposed to run a 5k and by run a 5k, I do mean walk. She made the decision to not participate a week before the race. Some friends were stopping in from out of town. This would have been the first time we had spent time together, since school let out.

I spent a nice day out on the town (see the only instagram pictures I have with the twins) and Sacajawea said to me that we should hang out. As a way of apology.

Ten weeks later it finally happened.

For ten weeks, she said we should do something. We work for the same place of sophistication. She knew my schedule. She can say we didn't have schedules that worked for each other. She was taking summer classes. Still after ten weeks there is a lack of prioritization. Obviously, being near her boyfriend's dick was more important then me.

There's also a boy in my Business Law class that looks exactly like her boyfriend. Just stockier and more filled out.

It was almost 11 weeks that our friendship had gone unsustained over the summer when she finally said that we should go to church. That is our aesthetic. We go to church. I hadn't been to church in so long that I was practically an atheist.

I thought our friendship was dead and if we didn't work together it would be for all intensive purposes. After ten weeks, I thought there was no return. But, in a true sign of love and support, she has asked off Sunday's so we can work together.

Lord let it be put on the record that she was the heathen keeping me from church. Also five minutes after we left the service I called an old friend a “skank bitch.”

Her sister went with us. It was a great moment. I love Sacajawea's sister. She's so great. I feel like her and me together would make a Miss J Alexander. I haven't seen her in a good bit of time. Enough time that I'd grown a few wrinkles and had to start lathering on the sunscreen before I turned into a Louis Vuitton bag.

We caught up on everything. How me and this nice Christian girl bonded over glass dildos. As Sacajawea said “why does she have to be Christian?”

Sacajawea was also glad that I dressed “normally”. I had considered throwing on my jersey with the number 69 emblazoned on it, but I decided in my final moments not to. Recently, someone said to me that they dress in a way “that respects their school.” It was very clear that the implication was that I'm the whore of Babylon who doesn't respect anything.

A shirt with my age and favorite position on it pic.twitter.com/lWs4KQjar9
— Bubble Righted (@BubbleRighted) August 6, 2015

I suppose she wasn't wrong.

In other news Sacajawea and I have rekindled our friendship. We'll finally be the good Christian's we were meant to be.

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Wax On, Hair Off

7/8/2015

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I am here to educate you on the wonders of waxing your hair off. I had very hairy legs (had being the key word in this sentence). This kept me from wearing shorts in a hundred degree weather and I said to myself, “I'm fucking done with this”. I didn't feel sexy and I was like it is time to do this for me.

I bought some shorts from Forever 21. The only clothing store that makes clothes for people without curves. And, of course they were short as fuck. You go hard or you go home. It doesn't matter how skimpy they are when the only difference between outside and hell is the fact that you have a Popsicle, I will slut it up.

Now I took some advice from Cosmopolitan's article on hair removal. I wish I had the money to pay someone to rip the hair off my body, but tragically my slightly above minimum wage job doesn't support such luxuries when your trying to save money. Cosmo suggested the Sally Hansen Waxing Kit. It was only ten dollars and I said yes.

It was a good price and I would recommend using it. Joyce said she didn't like it, but I'm satisfied with the results. It was spa day for me. I turned on the new Florence and the Machine album How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful and sat down in the kitchen on some ratty towels and waxed away.

Now the box says a full body kit. One kit waxed one leg. Now mind you this was my first time doing it. I probably used too much wax. Wasted some solid strip space. Regardless I had to go out and buy another kit.

My hair wasn't done, but the outfit was on point. I dropped my check off at the bank. Then, I went out and picked up another one. I run into someone from high school at the checkout line. He tells me he likes my new hair color and I'm like fuck. My hair isn't did. He looked good. I suppose it was nice to catch up with him, but it was a slap in the face to not look on fleek when you go out. Not that I looked terrible.

Then, I said I'll get some gas. Ran into the Miss Sara Bellum's ex boyfriend. I didn't even wave. I got out. Pumped my gas. Opened my Vogue and waited for the pump to click. He's an obnoxious heterosexual male. I'm sure he didn't have time to notice my unkempt hair with me giving the side eye.

Finally got home. This time turned on Flo Rida's album Wild Ones and finished waxing. It's like shaving. You have to be a contortionist to get some of this areas. Behind my knee cap was a struggle. It was completely worth it. I can't lie to you and say it wasn't painful. It wasn't as bad as I expected. You hear horror stories and it wasn't a B-Rated horror flick at worst.

If you can't deal with the pain. Do small areas. Ripping off an entire strip of hair can be a struggle. Cut the strips down in size, so your not taking so much off at once. When I was doing smaller areas. I couldn't even feel it.

Now if you go with the Sally Hansen kit be forewarned that it's messy to get off. However, if your a poor college student like me, the time it takes to wash it off is most certainly worth it.

The twins loved it. I went out with them to a Trivia Night (Team name: Bed, Bath, & Beyonce) and I had on these Taylor Swiftesque blue spandex. Their mother said they were not allowed to go out dressed like that. To be fair if I had an ass it would have been hanging out. I looked flawless. My six inch wedges elongated my legs. A man whistled on me. I don't think he knew I wasn't female. So, that's awkward for him. I'm honestly just so glad I got slut shamed. Life goals accomplished.

The next time I wore shorts I was out with Sacajawea at my coworker's birthday celebration. Sacajawea loved my look. She said my shorts were shorter then hers (I swear they were the same length). Her mother wondered what I was wearing and she said with shorts like that she thought it was promiscuous to wear heels.

I didn't think it was the time to tell her about my wardrobe choices. The problem with Sacajawea and I going out in public together is that we both act like were under the influence of something without drinking. No one believed that we were sober the entire time.

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My Place of Business

6/10/2015

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My job is boring if we're being really honest. I enjoy my minimum wage job. It's not the most glamorous thing on this earth, but it pays for my not so luxurious lifestyle. For the most part I enjoy the people I work with. They are a mess. The collective group of people I work with could only be assembled at a no skills required place of employment.

I go to school with one of my coworkers. And, what's so funny is I never told him we went to the same school. I was at school doing my thing one day when he ran into me and he seriously asked me what I was doing there. And, I was just like I go here? He's honestly my favorite. Everyone loves him. Now, his brother not so much.

His brother is just a lot of something. I don't mind working with him, but he's got too much going on. Rumor has it that he dated one of my male coworkers who looks like a cross between neo-nazi and a naked mole rat. Now, I might have started that. At this point I'm really not sure. But, his girlfriend does not like the neo-nazi and his brother told me that some personal things happened between them that he doesn't like him. Now, I'm not saying that means anything. BUT.

Both of this boys respective ex boyfriend and current girlfriend are weird as fuck. I don't like either of them. They make my skin crawl. The funny thing about his girlfriend is how unbridled my aggression is towards her. It's not even shade anymore. It's you literally suck at your job and you are pathetic. She comes into work late and she can't even pay her rent. Her hours got cut recently and I laughed. On the floor, fucking died. Am I terrible person, yes. Do I care? No, because I don't like her.

A few months ago my least favorite coworker quit. She was such a liar. All she did was lie. She has told me that she is attracted to personality, that she could never have sex with a girl, is bisexual, wants to give one of my coworkers a blow job all over the course of 3 weeks. She was also so loud and apparently her mother is dying. She works at McDonald's now. Let me tell you, it's not a step up for her. This girl even told one of my managers that I violently pushed into something. No one believed her. I will throw shade, I will give you side eyed, but I am weak ass bitch. I am not getting into a physical fight with someone. It would have been more believable if she said that I called her “a fucking bitch”. If my manager had come to me with that. I would have been like tru.

I talked about this a few months ago during the 12 Days of Bubbles, but one of my now delinquent coworkers had a sex tape. She was fingering herself and everyone at work saw it. Everyone at her school saw it. It was a mess.

There are multiple people I work with that have wanted to pursue music careers. One dropped a mixtape. He's in jail now. Tried robbing someone with a water gun apparently. The other one just got out of high school and he's not cute enough to be the next Shawn Mendes. And, he sings all the fucking time at work. In this high pitched falsetto that you can tell he's trying, but that it's not good. I'm like stop.

There's this one girl who's very heroin addict chic. Her baby daddy is in prison. She keeps telling us he's a good man, and I'm like but he's in prison. Her parents watch her son for her. And, I'm just like your life is fucking mess. She said that all girls are whores and the feminist in me looked at her side eyed. I was like okay huntie. Apparently one of her men cheated on her. This story was more of a mess then I'm telling it. But, let me tell you. It was Lifetime Original Movie tragic.

My favorite coworker has literally had sex in the back. I'm like oh my god. She's dating this dorky cute guy now and she leaves me early to go spend time with him. I don't know why she doesn't want to be at work. I am more fun then any flaccid dick she is getting with this man. But, I'm not salty about it.

I'm a little salty about it.

Two girls I work with are having intense boy problems. They're both dealing with multiple boys liking them and being jealous and calling them bitches. And, I'm just like this is why you don't date guys with big trucks. I hate their friends and if I'd met them at school I would not have been a fan. But, I love them to death and I want to know why there only ever seems to be one shitty boy in my life. I would enjoy being in a triangle or a trapezoid as some of you are.

Now this is probably the best. One of my coworkers has had sex with a dog. I want to tell you more and describe said person, but people I work with could read this and they'd be like. And, I'd be like. And, I really like this person even if I'm like how did this happen. I've kept this secret for months now and I'm really not sure how accurate it is. One of the southern belles I worked with told me. I love her to death, but that girl is not one you can just trust with information.

At the end of the day my coworkers and I are family. I fucking hate them sometimes, but we still spend time together. And, a little part of me would miss them if they got fired.

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Shattered & Hollow

4/29/2015

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Nothing dramatic has happened. I realize I titled today's article “Shattered and Hollow”, but it's just a First Aid Kit song I really like. I've been listening to it a lot recently. I shamelessly quoted it on twitter a while ago and didn't even acknowledge that I stole it.

I've also been listening to this Katy Perry song “Love Me”. I don't know why I've been feeling the need to feel empowered by break up songs, since I'm not even going through a break up, but that is life.

Buy "Love Me"

My life has been incredibly dull. There's nothing. It's just empty of anything. I was at work yesterday and I told my coworker that I literally have nothing to write about for “What's Happening Wednesday”. I only write this every two weeks and yet I have nothing. I'm basically a blank slate.

My coworker told me I should write about this guy she knows at work. My coworker is insane. She has two jobs and it's honestly too much. I don't know how she does it, but there's this guy and she was like I think you would like him. She told me his name and I was like that's so funny I actually know him.

The thing is I don't actually know him. He just has the same name as the boy I know. They both look freakishly alike. The one my coworker knows is cuter, but that's hardly the point. The one I know just recently came out as gay. He went from “I'm not gay” to “I have a boyfriend” and I honestly thought that was really funny. It was just such a sharp role reversal.

My coworker and I determined that it was not the same person, but when I went into her place of business I saw him. And, I was so awkward, I was legit staring. I was trying to find his name tag and surprise of all surprises it was exactly who I thought it was.

So, that's the story.

What's actually exciting, but isn't is that I've decided that I can wear a crop top. I bought this crop top months ago and I've been meaning to buy a tank to wear under it. Never got around to it. I was bored and I threw it on and I realized that I can totally get away with wearing it.

I shouldn't feel this way. I need to get a grip and not wear it in public, but at the same time. How many times in my life am I going to be able to legitimately pull off a crop top. Not very often. I should invest now when I can. I'll look stupid of course, but I don't know I kind of love it. I already know the outfit I want to wear.

In other exciting news I gave a speech on suicide, so if you've ever wanted to know someone who has a long list of statistics memorized regarding suicide, I am here for you.

It's honestly sad that it's been two weeks and this is all I have. A crop top and the story of me awkwardly staring at a stranger. I was so obvious that he actually remembered me doing it. Palm to the face. I'm never going to see him again, but I want strangers to think I'm awesome and not creepy.

Better luck next time. What is exciting is that tomorrow there is going to be a special Throwback Thursday and the not so big Bubble Righted reveal is going to happen.

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The Fallout (Without The Boy)

1/21/2015

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If you read last weeks Throwback Thursday article you would know that I told the parents, I was a raging homosexual. I would say they took it well. Considering I always thought they might kick me out. And, believe me my school does not have good enough wifi for me to blog for you.

Everyone always talks about the actual coming out, but no one seems to tell you about the fall out. The fall out is still falling. And, I have to say it's kind of shitty. I'm trying to just laugh at it, but my parents are saying the most homophobic things. They also funny enough think they were the first people I told.

Like, LOL. No. Literally everyone else knew before you. You just didn't want to know. I feel like I'm handling it well. I already knew I would disappoint them. I already knew what they would say. It's just new actually having them say it.

Both my father and mother have told me at length that “I chose this”. No one would choose to be discriminated against. I don't particularly like being made to feel uncomfortable in public when I'm alone. I don't enjoy that. I wish I could just go in the stores and buy things, but instead I order things online.

They have also already decreed how me and the nonexistent boyfriend will act if I bring him home. We are not to kiss in front of them. As if I was planning on making out in front of my parents. We cannot hold hands or make any physical contact. We are not allowed to sit close to each other.

I'm just like how about we don't even sit in the same room as each other, and maybe we shouldn't breath when we're in each others presence. If they truly think I would subject any boyfriend to this they are out of their minds. I guess they're doing their best to be open about this, but I'm still looking at them side eyed.

My mother has also already started calling this fictional boyfriend a “friend”. I told her that she would call him my boyfriend. I am dating him. Do not decrease his significance, because it makes you uncomfortable. I was informed that I was pushing her too hard. No. I sit here and listen to all of your homophobic nonsense. This however is about someone else. My future boyfriend doesn't deserve this.

I was informed that I knew I was gay too young. I'm sorry. I told you when I was eighteen and your questioning that I knew I was gay when I was ten? What is that. They have also started to shift away from blaming themselves for my gayness to blaming pop culture.

Lady Gaga and Madonna made me gay. No, they didn't. I knew I was gay at 10. I was watching Chuck and Scooby Doo. The gayest shows out there. I started buying music Freshmen year of High School and that consisted of Sheryl Crow and Hilary Duff. Before that my life consisted of Christian radio and Celine Dion. Come on family.

It is better then my father blaming it on his busy work schedule and my mother's apathy towards me playing with my sister's doll houses. The funny thing is what I liked about doll houses was their architecture. A traditionally masculine thing right there.

They have both said that I dress too gay and have told me not to start wearing dresses. I didn't realize wearing dresses was part of being gay. I have no idea where that came from. Both have said that two boys kissing is disgusting. Translation: I'm disgusting.

Parents: Two boys kissing is disgusting Me: You're homophobic
— Bubble Righted (@BubbleRighted) December 28, 2014

There are too many gays on TV. Mind you both have said they are not 'homophobic'. We treat gay people right. I had a gay friend once. Okay. Thanks. Your token gay friend doesn't mean your not homophobic. Both of my parents are.

Why are straight people on every TV show. Like you only make up 90% of the population. You don't need to rub it in my face all the time
— Bubble Righted (@BubbleRighted) December 29, 2014

My father also suggested that porn is why I'm gay. We just got functioning internet this summer. I was not watching porn. Shout out to everyone who watches porn, but I'm very old fashioned. I read my porn. I just could not handle him.

It is nice having it out in the open, but instead of realizing internally that they hate me, I just hear it instead. I don't think they're ever going to change. My mother went out to get coffee with her friend who also has a gay son. Surprised she didn't come home with a Christian self help book on how to fix your gay kid.

I love knowing that they think there's something wrong with me, and if they just wait it out long enough. It will go away. I will realize that I love women and that this whole time the media mislead me.

Fox News: Lady Gaga is making our children gay. LGBT Community: We were born this way! Fox News: Exactly.
— Bubble Righted (@BubbleRighted) December 29, 2014

My mother also totally put together who my crush is. That was funny. And, she did say she can't imagine me having sex with another man. I told her I hoped she didn't see me having sex with anyone.

At the moment I have to be the strong one who lets them come to terms with it. I've had eight years. They've only had a month. I'm just not sure how long I have to support them before I call them out on all their shit.

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Let's Talk Shit

12/17/2014

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My life has been exceedingly dull.

My classmates, however. I don't know what is happening to them. They have lost their minds. Let me tell you.

Let's start away from my lovely school at dear friend J.Lo's dorm and her dorm mate. Now J.Lo is Thunder's sister. I would say we're friends. Great friends, best friends for life. No. But, we enjoy each other's company and that's a good of place to start as any for a friendship.

Her roommate I know. I've known this girl since the 4th grade. For the sake of protecting the not innocent we will call her 'dumb bitch'. So, this dumb bitch is going to herself kicked out of school, arrested, raped, or killed. Possibly all of the above.

In high school she was I'm such a good Christian girl. Now she's acting popular? She was so drunk two weekends ago that five people had to carry her home. Note the words 'five' and 'carry'. Dumb bitch. It's one thing to drink. It's one thing to get a little wild. But, you could not even stand. You were so wasted it took five people to carry you home.

This is not a wet campus by the way. There is not supposed to be alcohol. So, needless to say it would have been hard to explain why an 18 year old was so piss ass drunk it took five girls to carry her home.

A few weeks ago we had a foam party on my campus. I for one am not about to go to a foam party Paris Hilton isn't hosting. And, there is this very gay boy in my English class. I think he's a sophomore. Well, needless to say him and this boy went to the foam party. For the sake of cohesiveness we will call them 'A' and 'B'.

Well, A and B got real drunk. Not as drunk as dumb bitch, but drunk enough. They had very loud, very passionate sex in a shower. This is how you know they were really drunk. It was not even in one of their showers it was in one of the girls dorm rooms.

I cringe thinking about it. This is not meant to be. I'm worried they didn't remember the condoms. They were in someone else's bathroom fucking each other. I can't imagine what kind of lubricant they were using.

There was also an orgy on campus. For some reason this is not as bad as dumb bitch's story. I'm like that seems like a terrible idea, but the person who told me about it remembers it. There was alcohol involved, but it wasn't that bad. Although, according to my source, a brother and sister were involved. I only got their side of the story, so I do not know if the brother and sister participated in the orgy together or if they participated in the orgy together.

I will keep you updated.

A friend's sister is also in rehab. She called her parents drunk, while doing cocaine and meth. There's that little scandal for you. She is in rehab, she should be fine.

A coworker of mine has a sextape out. She is a minor. She's not super pretty. I have not seen the video, but apparently it's just her masturbating. I cringe. And, she apologizes all the time. I cannot handle it. Stop apologizing to me.

Your entire high school has seen you finger yourself. Get your life together. Why are you apologizing to me. You need to be apologizing to God. To your parents. To your brother, because you both share the same cloud account. Did this girl not hear about Jennifer Lawrence. This will be out there forever. She also has braces. This is not the kind of sex tape you shrug off and say I look really hot in.

That's life for you.

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Essentially, I'm Cleopatra

10/1/2014

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I went on a camping trip recently. I keep calling it a camping trip. It wasn't a camping trip. It was a retreat. It had cabins. I stayed in a cabin.

It was freshmen retreat for this program I'm in, so that we can bond with each other. I did a really shitty job at actually bonding with people my own age. Go me. Mainly, I talked to three people I already knew and two of the seniors helping with the trip. Although, I'm not actually sure if she was a senior.

She wants to be an actress. Or at the very least she wants to act. The finer points of it escaped me. But, we shall call her the Actress. I'm definitely in love with her. She asked me if I wanted to work out with her. I don't know what about me made her think I was someone who worked out.

I didn't turn her down. I was like sure. If your going when I have a break between classes. Of course. Now, if she really was serious, I hope it is not labor intensive. I hope it's like let's all run at our own pace on the treadmill. My pace would be walking and it would be like a bonding moment. The other senior, I talked to was involved in this discussion as well. He's fantastic. I love him so much. And, he actually is going to work out with the Actress.

We'll come up with a name for him. I'm thinking Brick from the Rowdyruff Boys. We had a very enlightening conversation about Vogue. He said have you tried British or Italian Vogue. I don't speak Italian. So, no.

He says to me, if you know Spanish you can figure out Italian. You see I didn't take Spanish in High School and I barely passed French. I can't even begin to imagine me trying to reading French Vogue. I realize he's four years older then me, but it kills me that he has a firm enough grasp on another language to suggest reading a magazine in a foreign language. That will never be me.

I hope he doesn't hate me or dislike me. Granted he did allow me to pronounce his name horribly wrong without bitching me out about it. So, that's probably a good sign. And, when we went outside to get his cigarettes he did give me his blanket, because I was cold. I don't know why I'm so stressed out about it. I just don't want him to hate me.

Ignoring that. The trip itself. The food was okay. It wasn't great, but you know it was a weekend retreat. Where no one showered by the way. Now I did. But, I don't blame anyone who didn't. You see there wasn't a lock on the bathroom door and there was no real convenient way to get out of the shower without being totally naked.

I did not actually sleep in my bunk bed. I fell asleep at about 5:30 in the morning between the Burlesque Jenny Lewis and Brick. Actually, I wasn't between them. I was on the complete opposite side of Jenny. The semantics aren't important. We were late to breakfast. And, we were also taking a group picture that day. So, I had to look good. So, of course I took a shower. And was more then a half hour late to the breakfast that started at 8:00 in the morning.

I told you how Jenny has this beautiful make up she does. She did not do that, that Sunday morning. There was no way. She put on this big sunglasses to hide her face. God we all looked so ratchet that morning. It was like the walk of shame. My hair was everywhere and I was wrapped up in a blanket. It was rough.

There was no participation from me in any of that morning's activities. Otherwise known as Bazooka Ball (I don't support gun violence) and mud bathing. I am not a pig. This is not a spa. I don't see Reese Witherspoon.

I was so incredibly anti-social that morning. The only thing I really did was the canoeing. Three people could fit in one canoe, but there were only two paddles. When I saw a group of two going for that canoe. I latched onto them. I sat in the middle and let them row me around the lake. Essentially, I was Cleopatra on the Nile. I did not say a word to them. It was beautiful.

We also had to write letters of advice to ourselves to open in four years. I do not want to hear the advice from the current me in four years. I will probably have deleted this post in four years. People evolve. I don't think about middle school me. That wasn't just a ratchet time in my life it was catchet. My letter basically went “Hey, sexy bitch. You looking fucking fantastic.” Because, in four years I'll still want to be told I'm beautiful. It will be an uplifting moment. I really hope I don't have to read it aloud. I hope someone else doesn't read it aloud. That would be worse. At least if I read it I could censor it. All of this happened while I was listening to “Anaconda” of course, because what better inspiration could you have to write a letter to yourself.

I keep ignoring the day before. There was a lot of singing. I mean Disney songs. There's a point where you just have to say fucking let it go already. I blame all of this on the bonding moment that was walking the woods in the dark, with no flashlights, just the man who owned the campground leading us. I was petrified. It was terrible. Then, we had a campfire. Where I was accused of eating all the Oreos. I had three and a half. I hardly ate all the oreos. Come at me bitch. Come at me.

Dodge ball was also something we did. I enjoyed it actually. But, it wasn't the dodge ball part that I enjoyed. It was more the disco/ dodge ball combo. There were black lights, a disco ball, loud music. It was kind of everything. I got turnt. I did this very sexy move on the wall where I danced with myself, that was great. I just had a really sexy time where I called everything sexy. Oh, what a sexy potato that is, oh that child falling was sexy. There was really no rhyme or reason to me calling things sexy. God. I was so annoying.

That's not true. Yes it is. I was so annoying, but I wasn't close to the worst. There was this girl who was from California. Literally everything she said had that thrown in. The fruit here isn't as sweet as it is from California. It's because of how far you have to ship it.

Bitch maybe you should try getting fruit from Target instead of the gas station before you starting bitching about our fruit.
It's sixty degrees outside. Oh, my god it's so cold. I'm from California and it doesn't get that cold there.

Bitch. I lived in California most of my life. I lived in Southern California. It does get that cold. Kill yourself.

You know what I love about this place, is that I'm from California and all of you have accents.

Bitch. We are not your token black friend. Back the fuck up.

These are just the ones I remember. People were like why don't you like her. Because, she's so god damn annoying. Is she so basic that everything she says has to include, “I'm from California.” Go back there you factory reject dildo. Her parents are still in California. She's the one who chose to move out of her natural territory. Go back. We don't need you.

This is what I told her roommate when she asked me, why I didn't like her. And, I'm fairly sure California girl knows I don't like her. She kept giving me these dirty looks. I'm like that's right bitch. I don't like you.

At the end of all of it we had to do these surveys for the group leaders about what could be improved on our experiences. The whole time, I wanted to say get rid of California girl, but I held back. Because our president is all, we're a family, we take care of each other, we love everyone. There is forty of us. I hate to break your heart, but there's going to be people who don't want to be around each other.

I did resist temptation and at every turn. I was like get rid of this hike. I don't want it. Send it to California. Just don't put it near me.

There was even a scale of 1 to 5 for an overall quick summary. 5 sounded like I just saw Beyonce in concert. 4 sounded as if I was forced to go see TLC without Left Eye. So, in all good consciousness I could not put five down. So, I gave it a 4.8.

We were also forced into stating one thing we loved about the retreat. I felt so guilty. All these basic bitches were like that hike was the best. All the while I'm sitting there being like, I shot that down at every point on that survey. Sorry boos.

I am also sorry to that honey boo boo child, I shot down for her obsession with Taylor Swift and liking “Shake It Off” and being excited about 1989. I mean I do shamelessly own all of her albums and I'm probably going to buy it anyway.

So, you all can judge me. I know Brick did when I told him. He took his eyes off the road- we were on the freeway mind you- to give me the dirtiest look. I swear. He might be bitchier then me.

I think I've fond my soul mate.

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