Category: Bellum

Penis Necklaces & Meeting Bonnie McKee

7/20/2016

I'm glad they decided give gays the month of June to celebrate. It's really fucking hot and it gives me a reason to lather my body in 12 ounces of sunblock. Miss Sara Bellum and I took a day trip out to a gay pride in a city far, far away. We were on the hunt for gays and lesbians. We found both.

We both looked cute as hell. Of course you know you've fucked up when your the only one wearing heels and the drag queens are in flats. Still, I survived with only one blister by the day.

We stopped by the Planned Parenthood booth and stocked up on my condom lollipops. If you ever go to a Pride there's always a million booths. You've got churches telling you it's okay to be gay, but my mother has cited Timothy 1:9 and 1:10 enough for me to know that's not how they really feel. Then, you always have the overpriced street vendors, because it's really fucking hot.

Mind you I felt gorgeous and whimsical. I got hit on by two men in their fifties. I was flattered and pleased to know that I'm desirable to the sugar daddy crowd. I did manage to get hit on by someone who was age appropriate.

I was in line to buy a slushie. I had a twenty dollar bill in my hand when a boy tells me that “I look better then that $20 bill in my hand.” I'm going to compliment him on his glued on rhinestones, when he adds, “But not by much.” I guess to make sure I wasn't too sure of myself. He goes on to specify $21.

The cute flirting is less cute. He goes on to correct himself to say that I look like a “$1,000”. I tell him, “I'm worth more then that.” I'm imaging that's the moment he decided not to ask for my number.

He put in quite a lot of effort not to ask for it. He even saw me later and called my twenty dollars. It's true I wouldn't have given him my number, but I would have given him my e-mail address.

One thing you should know about Pride is that it's full of shirtless white gays who don't understanding the concept of form fitting shorts and jeans. There's also penis necklaces, some of which feature a rape whistle.

The true highlight of my day was not when I spilled my blue raspberry slush on my black and white striped shorts (the stain came out) or when I ran into my teacher and he refused to acknowledge, or even when I saw a drag queen cosplaying as Reba. It's when I saw Bonnie McKee.

I was up at the front. My pink hat blocking out the sun. I felt it all. The throbbing bass. Miss Sara Bellum almost collapsing because of the hit. Bonnie McKee is the hit songwriter behind 5 of the 7 Katy Perry number ones and she has her own fantastic solo career. She's an American girl through and through. Also the ass is real.

The vocals were live vocal and raw. She hit that high falsetto note on her ballad right in front of me. She gave us choreographed dance numbers in leg warmers. There was an ass clap. I knew the choruses and some of the bridges. It was wild. I almost got to touch her hand when she ran her hand down along the front row. It was amazing. She's one of my idols and I saw it all.

When she said that she was doing a meet and greet, this bitch had to be apart of it. I bought a physical copy of her EP Bombastic (a Friday Favorites on the EP is coming in two days). I stood in line. I was shaking. I had time to make a great first impression.

Then, I got lost in the six inch heels. She's a tiny girl and I'm a tall gay and our heels canceled each other out. I gave her a church hug. She signed my CD “Love Bonnie”. I told her that I loved her career. That she was amazing live. That she recreated her music videos on stage. I was the standard fan having my first celebrity encounter. I also used the word “obsessed” at one point, which I regret.

She told me that “she saw me in the crowd trying to sing the words”. It's true the chorus's I know, but unless it's “Fergalicious” I don't know anything else. She told me she liked my hat. It was pink. It would have looked fantastic with her retro leotard.

I made a pleasant if unmemorable impression on her. Which, I regret. Did I ask her the hard hitting questions. When is the album coming it? Have you heard Katy Perry's new record? No, I didn't. I have a feeling that Bonnie and Katy hang out at Katy's mansion and drink martinis and talk shit about boys when their both not on tour. But, what do I say. “I've been obsessed with you, since you released that song “American Girl”. Why am I like this God.

#NeverTrump

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Chance Encounters & Me

7/6/2016

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Last time we talked, not shit was happening. I was in bed typing to you talking about my life, trying to make something up to be vaguely coherent and interesting. I hope it worked.

Recently, my life has been low key falling apart, but in a cute attractive way. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. I have holes in my work shoes and the heel is falling out, but that's just a small problem in my sea of mess ups.

One good thing that's happened to me is that I found a pair of shorts that make it look like my inverse concave ass has a shape. Taylor Swift Booty 2.0. It's sexy as hell. Tight and fitted. Some have called me a slut and their not wrong. My mother called them “tailored”. That was kind of her.

I ditched my mother on Friday to spend time with a dear friend of mine. My mother wasn't pleased, but when your life is falling apart as much as ours is, sometimes you have to see each other to talk it out. We got slushies and got stuck in traffic.

I didn't get a slushy. I wasn't eating. It was a very stressful week and I kept throwing up. I'm eating goldfish right now, completely unstressed. I lost two pounds and so far I haven't gained it back. Yeah!!!!!!! Your blonde, skinny, queen of the internet, is even skinnier. Summer body here I come.

Unfortunately, I didn't lose three pounds like my icon Regina George. Granted she never did either. I mention her, because I'm a super cool person with fun things to do, and I went to a Mean Girls trivia.

There I ran into one of my frenemies. We're not really enemies. I like him a lot and he's fun. The problem is that everyone likes him better then me and I'm a competitive gay and I always win. As Miss Sara Bellum said to me when we left, “he's a lot funnier then I expected.” Fuck you too bitch. What team are you playing for.

We all played as a team together. It was a lot of fun. Miss Sara Bellum got to meet one of the most photogenic people at my school and I got to spend two hours pretending like I knew one of the answers.

One of his friends was gorgeous in a geek boy kind of way. He had a perfect moon face and virgin skin. Miss Sara Bellum's type. I told her I would ask for his number for her. She told me that wasn't necessary. As if either of us are getting any younger.

The next day I realized I was famous. I was out shopping at Target as one does and this woman came up to me and asked if I was friends with my frenemy. I told her I was. Clearly, he's obsessed with me and talks about me all the time lol. But, who isn't.

I actually sent that text to someone and their reply back to me was “why are you texting me so much?” So, apparently we're not best friends.

By Monday, my celebrity high was over. And, I went to see a movie with my mother. It was called Love & Friendship. We both loved it. After all what's not to love about a Jane Austen remake. I am Lady Susan after all.

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I'm Poor

6/22/2016

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I think this summer I'm going to start a series of post discussing how poor I am. Last week I started the discourse of surviving “summer on a dime”. This week I bring you the chaos that is older technology.

My poor, sad laptop has finally died, but not quite. The keyboard is what's not working. Not sure why, but honestly it was time. It's held together by duct tape. And, it's not as if I run an unsuccessful blog. I recently bought a new one with my last paycheck. It's stopped the “treat yourself” mentality I was trying to institute, but I think that's a good thing. Saving money is always a good thing.

I have however frankensteined it into working. I connected a desktop keyboard into one of the ports and now here I am typing to you. It might not be pretty, but I'm not destitute yet.

My eagerly anticipated weekly youtube videos will return once all these technical difficulties get worked out lol.

The most heartbreaking thing happened to me recently. Te Amo (the love of my life) informed me that she's working as resident counselor at her school. She's leaving this Friday. I'm crying. My baby is leaving me just like she does two semesters every year.

I'm also playing matchmaker. All it costs me is a little gas and some free time. Sacajawea's boyfriend has moved to Atlanta. He's on academic probation. Skipped one of his finals to smoke pot and I said to myself, “now is the perfect time to break up a three year relationship.”

I've been shoving her and my bestie Boomer together. Sacajawea already loves him and he loves her and he wants love. I told him. In the words of Donna Summer “love will always find you”. Also, relationships are shit. He said to me, “that's easy for you to say. You hate everyone.”

He knows me too well.

Miss Sara Bellum and I have been spending our summer as we always have. Together. We watched the RuPaul's Drag Race finale together. I told her Bob was going to win. She still believed in Naomi Smalls and her legs. She was surprised.

I've been trying to set Miss Sara Bellum's and my mother up together. Not in a romantic, relationship way. Although, I would personally love some good lesbian moms.

I'm afraid my match making is not going as planned. They've hung out. And, they like each other, but I don't know if they want to be friends. I want them to go to the farmer's market on Saturday and buy pantyhose together. All the things old ladies do with each other.

I was thinking they might even join the red hat society. That would be fun, put on a purple dress, and a red hat and drink tea, and talk shit about men. That's what I do with my time off after all and I have a blast.

The summer has been hot and sticky. I don't have a summer fling yet, but I also don't have the money for that. So, instead I've been at home watching The Price Is Right and eating yogurt, doing yoga, getting ready for that beach body I'll never get to show, because the closest body of water I have is a lake. Summer is the best.

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First Week Of SChool

9/15/2015

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Picture it. I was with the twins. I said to them that I didn't know what to write about for a What's Happening Wednesday. They told me why don't I write about school. I told them I may only have eight readers, but I try to be more interesting then that.

And, yet here I am.

I should preface that my well adjusted self (I had relatively few emotional breakdowns this summer in comparison to the school year) has crashed. Everything is falling apart and my life is a train wreck, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

On Sunday I was with the twins. The day before class starts. And, I was casually discussing the hate comment I received on my video “Tip Thy Waiter”. Both Joyce and Black have claimed it as my best. So this isn't actually related to my emotional breakdown at school, but I'm working there.

Needless to say, I showed them the comment. And, they saw the name of the person who commented and they said isn't that Waldo's real name. You see Waldo is his nickname. That's why I never put it together. I've seen Waldo on a few occasions, but we weren't friends. We also weren't enemies.

The worst part of discovering that my hater is someone I know means that I'm not famous. I'm also confused why he would say it. Waldo is everyone's timid boring next door neighbor bisexual. Honestly, I'm not sure how I was supposed to respond. You can use homophobic slurs all day long, and I'll be like #accurate. Apparently Waldo has been dating a nice boy who bags groceries. All this boy wants to do is have sex in the back of his car. And, my response to Waldo through the internet is to ask him whether it's a nice car or not.

I ran into someone that I kind of sort of liked. I never talked about it on the blog. It was an the end of the school year kind of thing. I thought I was over it. Of course I knew I wasn't and here I am typing out this article emotionally unhinged.

My first day look was the same one I wore on my trip to St. Louis with the twins. It was summery and bright. For some reason one of my fellow homosexuals decided to step his A game up. He's always had nice hair, just not the way he styled it. He has nice clothes, there just not put together well. Yet, here this little bitch is in my Detective Fiction class looking more then decent. What the fuck.

Let's not even talk about Math 106. That's not just a simple math class, but calculus based. Shout out to my math teacher for pointing that out. That is filed under information I didn't need to know.

Warner also didn't sit next to me. He sat next to this other boy who I'm sure is very nice, but what the fuck. He should have sensed that my aura is approaching and waited for me. I can be a very petty homosexual. Side note that I ended up sitting next to this girl who is so gorgeous it didn't matter that my outfit could have been in the pages of Teen Vogue I looked like a wet paper towel next to her. The girl was ***Flawless.

I also refused to acknowledge Warner in public. I'm petty. I like being texted first. I like being acknowledged first and I don't apologize. He didn't say hi to me until Thursday.

He's unobservant as fuck. I'm actually texting him right now and ignoring his message. To be fair I didn't see when he texted me this Monday until Wednesday. He said “Surprise Bitch!” and it took all my good will not to ask him why he was trying to be Emma Roberts.

We might have a volatile relationship. Let me correct that. One of my coworkers said I should drop this friendship and part of me agrees with that. But, as petty as I can be I know I'd miss him if I didn't talk to him.

Emma Roberts stars in the new Fox series Scream Queens that airs on Tuesdays.

I also went to the GSA meeting. This year I will be a proud member of the Gay Straight Alliance. Most importantly I will be active. I introduced myself as a Freshman Marketing Major. Multiple people had to tell me I was a sophmore. That was awkward. And, yes my favorite superhero is Green Lantern. Ryan Reynolds looked sexy as fuck in that movie.

That was a Wednesday. It was my last day with the twins. I got pulled over getting home. Hyperventilated, cried. The officer was very nice. Then, I got stuck in traffic for an hour and thirty five minutes where I occasionally shouted “WHY IS THE TRAFFIC SO BAD!”. It took twenty minutes to get through one light. On the bright side I did get to listen to the entirety of Sheryl Crow's Tuesday Night Music Club, so that was exciting.

Of course our plans were time sensitive. We were going to play trivia with our mothers. You may or may not know that our team name always has Beyonce it. One team's name was “We Are Always Beyonce”. Much like Warner they should have sensed our aura. We had of course not been to trivia recently. We'd been in St. Louis. Wisdom teeth (not mine) had been removed. Trivia had not been our plate.

BUT THESE LITTLE BITCHES STOLE OUR NAME.

I am not upset about this. Salty, perhaps. But, upset no. We lost terribly. They helped to not dilute our brand recognition. The questions were based on The Office. I know that John Krasinski is married to Emily Blunt that is the extent of my knowledge.

That was my week. Now I'm here typing, waiting to go see Joyce receive $10,000 for being an awesome student. I'm not kidding. That's the gist of it.

Until next time where hopefully my life involves more then school starting up.

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Road Trip! (Part Two)

9/9/2015

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The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

August 12th
7:30 am

This morning I was getting dressed for the day and I couldn't figure out why I have four more outfits for the next two days. I also have five pairs of shoes for a four day trip, but not even that merciless shower head could beat the answer into me.

In other news I sleep deprived myself just enough that I wasn't kept up by the air conditioning unit. Ready for today.

5:13 pm

Today's itinerary started off really well. We couldn't find the cemetery or more accurately google maps couldn't find it. It dropped us off near this very dated fifties suburban community. All the inhabitants were octogenerians. I assumed they lived close to the cemetery for a shorter commute when they had a heart attack. Somewhere along the way we realized Davy Lane was not where our beloved cemetery was. We had hoped to gain cultural knowledge and most importantly take aesthetic pictures.

We gave up and settled on our next stop. The Outlet Mall. We got there at 9:30. It didn't open until 10:00. Our options were clear. Find somewhere else to spend our time. Google did not fail us this time. We settled on a coffee shop in St. Charles. It had Picasso in the title. It seemed quaint. I was the only one who got coffee. It was called Black Forrest and was supposed to taste of cherry's. It served it's purpose about as well as Boomer likes modern art (he's not a fan).

St. Charles was an amazing detour in our plans. Apparently it hosts one of the largest craft fairs in the country. We spent our time on Main Street. Went in a few of the shops. Our favorite was April's. It was an eclectic hodge podge of ceramic items. Decorations. The shop was run by these three women.

One was this fiery redhead. Her personality reminded me of Julia Robert's in Runaway Bride. One of the men who worked there was getting married on Halloween to his partner and the wedding was appropriately themed. It was life goals if I wasn't a justice of the peace kind of gay.

We actually bought something. Usually boutique shopping involves a lot of browsing. We did that. But, this store was within three college students price ranges. The twins bought two hand towels. One for their mother and the other for their brother's fiancee. Miss Sara Bellum splurged and bought a good luck token for her dorm room.

Miss Sara Bellum

Me and The Mayor

A gallery was opened down the street. The artwork was reasonably priced if you weren't in a dorm room with cinder block walls. There was shoe shop named Gene's that catered to visiting Floridians. Bars and restaurants dotted the street. A club was in one of the buildings. If only we were twenty one.

I never would have thought to stop in St. Charles. Or even thought of it as a destination choice, but it's something I wish I'd been able to see more of. It was picturesque. You could spend a solid day exploring it or trying to get off the roundabout. Which, ever came first.

We returned to the Outlet Mall. A little off course for the days itinerary. We went in a book store. I believe it was called Books a Million or some variation of that. They sold Italian Vogue. That sold me. There were expensive fashion magazines. Paris Hilton graced the cover of one glossy mag. One magazine called Girls on Boys was particularly fascinating. The men were more Miss Sara Bellum's taste then mine. I can't help my fondness for the all American wind tousled virgins.

I ended up buying a discounted Chelsea Chelsea, Bang Bang hardcover. A Chelsea Handler original. Hopefully there will be an article coming out on soon after I read it, which might not be until Thanksgiving.

We were not as successful clothes wise as we might have hoped. We found one thing at Burlington Coat Factory. A pair of shorts for the sexy Sara Bellum. Rainbow was useless. Surprisingly it was Charlotte Russe that we did well. I got two scarves for two dollars each. I couldn't help myself. The twins tried on clothes. Bought clothes. So many I can't remember. Most of my time was spent trying on Boho hats and twerking to Britney Spear's “Pretty Girls” with what little ass I have.

Buy "Pretty Girls"

The Mayor

Right now all the lights are off and the twins are asleep and I'm trying to read a map for the Laumier Sculpture Park. Your favorite blogger is also wrapped in a cars blanket, because the twins have a penchant for cold weather. Something I soon figured out with complaints over the 85 degree heat.

Miss Sara Bellum

In a true spot of sophistication. We got takeout from Panda Express and ate our food in the sculpture park under the shade of a beautiful trade. I was in my four inch wedges and I had little idea that the pathways were gravel and so much was off road. The map I have spread out makes little more sense now then it did at the park. We planned on walking one of the three trails. Either the ten minute Whitaker Woods Trail or the twenty five minute Central Pathway. We did a little of all trails and marveled at all the work.

The Mayor (left) and Miss Sara Bellum (Right)

The Mayor

The twins seemed particularly entranced by the eyeball. I can't say what I liked the best. It was just nice being outside in comfortable weather looking at everything St. Louis has to offer.

The most interesting find was the Dog Museum. One I consistently refer to as the Doge Museum. The grounds were beautiful. You could bring your dog inside the museum. We had left our babies at home. There was little reading to do. There were portraits of dogs. Sculptures. It was a quick jaunt into man's best friend and a woman's too if the poodle has on a diamond choker collar.

There was a dog house nicer then my room. Portraits by Maude Earl. A British painter famous for her work on dogs. The most reading intensive part of the exhibit revolved around service dogs. It's hard not to be amazed at how capable these animals are.

The educational side of our stay in St. Louis ended with a stop at the Contemporary Art Museum of St. Louis and the Pulitzer Arts Museum. Both which are right next door to each other.

Our first stop was at the Contemporary Art Museum. It attacked me. There's a gash on my leg from where a table cut me open. It congealed before it raced onto my white shoes. I can still feel it throbbing.

The Pulitzer Arts Museum

The Contemporary Art Museum of St. Louis

It had portraits by Liat Yossifor that dealt with the aesthetic of cave painting and the intuitive act of finger painting. Her works were mostly solid white with different textures and only limited use of primary color. One of the works on display was entitled Yellow II.

Liat Yossifor

They were also doing an entire demonstration called the Sanatorium. We were only able to participate in one of the parts available. It was interactive and was supposed to gauge ways to help people achieve group therapy. We wrote down our darkest secrets tied it up with twine and read one of the previous respondents answer.

Mine discussed how lonely they felt even among people they were close to. The curator explained that was normal. It's disturbing how commonplace such an emotion can be.

Laurie Simmons

Modern art is fascinating. One of the most unique pieces told a story of different artists and what they were doing in each. It could have been a novel, but it was only a few short paragraphs.

The definitive pieces for me were the photographs by Laurie Simmons. The collection was entitled “Two Boys and a Love Doll”. It was staged photos of barbie dolls essentially, but there was something thought provoking behind it. I've never been more captured by artwork. I would hang it all in my entryway if I could.

The Pulitzer Arts Museum for all intensive purposes is a sculpture museum. I was so excited to hear that they were displaying works by Alexander Calder. His work is fascinating and it didn't disappoint. It was colorful and mesmerizing and three dimensional and obscene in it's creativity. I loved it. I couldn't stop myself from being a dork.

One woman asked me where I bought my shoes. She thought they were cute. She was right. It was the second best moment in the museum. It might have tied with the reflection pool. The museum was built by a famous architect. What other way could it go.

Alexander Calder

The other two artists on display were Richard Tuttle and Fred Sandback. I would argue that there were works were minimalist. I would even argue that art might be a strong word for what they were doing.

God, I sound just like Boomer.

11:39 pm

Last night at America's Best Value Inn.

My ear buds and I are listening to The 1975. The album not their new song “Medicine”. Found out that Miss Sara Bellum doesn't like them. Like truly doesn't like them. Strongly hates. It surprised me.

Buy "Medicine"

Our dinner consisted of going out scandalously clad. I was scantily covered. The Mayor didn't change. Miss Sara Bellum did. She informed me I looked like a cute lesbian from behind. I asked her if she would date me and she told there couldn't be two lipsticks in the relationship.

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

We got sushi at a bar of all places. It was empty. There was one couple there. It was about seven o'clock. Couldn't tell you the name of the bar. The food was good. There was no atmosphere. Our bartender looked like a less muscular version of Jamie Dornan with more hair. I would match with him on Tinder.

I don't know why I can't find it. It's in a more affordable part of St. Louis. A place where lot's of drinking could be down at 2:00 in the morning. We at The Grove.

We had planned on going to Bailey's Chocolate Bar for dessert. We couldn't find it. @ Google get your life. Instead we drove around downtown St. Louis. This was our first time downtown. We'd avoided it the entire trip just to find out that it's mainly banks and Hard Rock Cafe with an expensive mall. We almost ran over the same man twice, while he was trying to cross the street. There comes a point when it's not all my fault.

In a spat of going hard or going home without google we ended up on the freeway. Picture Dionne in Clueless. That was me.

Our night ended with an intense game of Parcheesi. Nothing like a dice version of Sorry to make you want to punch a best friend in the face. At some point we reverted back to Zero. A trivia based question game that was less competitive with us playing. “Name one of the six states in Australia”. Answer that none of us know this answer.

That's Americans for you.

My music has switched to Lana Del Rey and 11:57 AM seems a good time to end today. Wrapped up in a heather pink infinity loop scarf...

Buy "High By The Beach"

August 13th
8:32 am

We're checking out of our hotel today. It's going to be the last time we ever drink Thomas coffee at America's Best Value Inn. I'm trying to pack up, but I'm really just listening to The 1975's “Medicine”, eating an apple. We still have a few more stops to make in St. Louis before we go home. I want to say I'm happy.

10:22 pm

Driving for multiple hours on end has not left me exhausted. Currently I have two infinity loop scarfs wrapped around my throat and I'm trying not fall asleep. Our trip has finally come to a close.

We got dressed in our floral attire. We packed up and cleaned up. We were ready to check out of our hotel. We did that and we made our way to the St. Louis Botanical Gardens. They were amazing.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

It was the most expenisve part of our trip. The admission was eight dollars, but I could have spent the entire day there. The weather was as perfect as something without climate control can be. At the moment the gardens are hosting a Lantern Festival. I wish we'd been there at night.

Even in broad daylight they were stunning. It was perfection. There was so much to do. We couldn't have fit it all into one day. We wandered aimlessly. There's something soothing about drifting about in well manicured lawns. There was a museum we didn't have time to go in. A house built by Henry Shaw. The man who founded the gardens.

His bachelor home was amazing. Goals stamped on a house. It turned out he was a writer. For a moment we thought we'd heard of him. We mistakenly mixed his last name with that of British playwright George Bernard Shaw. Similiar but not close.

The Mayor

The most fascinating thing about Henry Shaw was that the died a bachelor. He never married. He never had children. What an interesting thing for a wealthy bachelor. It makes one wonder what he did with his spare time.

The coolest section or the most unique was the tropical rainforest area. It was covered by it's own building and it's the closest I'll ever get to the rainforest. I got the beauty without the snakes and the poisonous dart frogs. It makes you realize just how amazing everything on this planet is walking among the flora.

At one point they had a Japanese Garden. There were koi. We got to feed the koi. I have never wanted to pet a fish before and yet there we were.

Multiple signs informed us that we were not allowed to wade in the lake. I wanted to ask who would do that. Then, I realized if there was a sign that meant someone had done it. Much like the “don't feed the red fox” sign. There must be a story behind that.

Me and The Mayor

Miss Sara Bellum

We were wrapped up in the gardens. It was therapeutic. I understand people's obsession with gardening better now. In a more traditionally me moment we went to the gift shop. Not a thing I could afford. A hundred dollar glorified cover up? Maybe once my student loans are paid off and I've been married to a reclusive millionaire.

The gardens were so amazing we missed mass.

The twins and I planned on attending mass at the Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis. We decided to devote more time to the gardens and visit the cathedral later.

This church had me reconsidering my stance on the justice of the peace. I wanted to walk down the aisle with 2,500 of my closest friends while the organ plays and Andre Boccelli sings to me in Italian. I'm afraid I was scantily clad for such a religious place.

There happened to be a tour going on. It was fascinating. The man was much older. He was probably more then disturbed by me. I thought he was funny. He gave quite an enjoyable tour. He pointed out so much of the religious imagery I never would have caught. How the three domes represented the son, the ghost, and the holy spirit. More amazingly how there wasn't a single drop of paint in the church.

How the founder of Tiffany helped design a few of the windows. How the inside was Byzantine and the outside was Romanesque. If your in St. Louis you need to see it. As a fake catholic I was moved. All of sudden I saw myself with a Kennedy on my arm.

I can't express what it feels like to be in this place. It's surreal. Taking a moment to just sit in silence and take it all in wasn't something we had to, but it was something we needed to do. Powerful. That's how I would describe it.

By this point we had over stayed our time in St. Louis. We left our donation. Stopped at Jack in the Box and drove home. Miss Sara Bellum spent the better part of the trip asleep and it was just me and the Mayor on a drive.

Miss Sara Bellum (left), The Mayor (middle), and Me (right)

We drove in silence. We listened to Katy Perry's One of the Boys. Only the fourth time I've listend to that album all the way through. I forgot how offensive “I Kissed A Girl” and “Your So Gay” are. They may have shock value, but she comes across as a terrible person.

We dropped Hilary Duff (buy Breathe In. Breathe Out on iTunes or your local Target). Turned on The Pink Print. Rode in silence for a lot of it. But, we talked about things. We never had before. That's the thing about road trips. It compresses your eight years of friendship into four days. We talked about their oldest brother. One I couldn't even tell you his name before this.

I hate driving. But, this was pleasant. Just a steady calm of dialogue and silence intermingling. We even turned up to some classic Shania Twain. I may or may not have forced them to listen to “She's Not Just A Pretty Face” on repeat.

Buy "She's Not Just A Pretty Face"

The trip was a success. Our friendship is intact. And, sitting here typing this at 10:55 pm is a far improvement over being at work. The only thing I missed was the dog and he's right here.

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Road Trip! (Part One)

9/2/2015

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Miss Sara Bellum (left) The Mayor (middle) and Me (right)

August 10th
9:08 am

I'm packed. I'm showered. My hair has been done up and I would even argue that I'm well rested. In twenty minutes I'm about to leave to pick up the twins and we're going to start our road trip. God help us all.

4:55 pm

We've finally made it to St. Louis. The drive here was not brutal. We started the morning out strong. 20 minutes later then expected. Pumped gas. Listened and sang to a string of hit CD's ranging from Taylor Swift's 1989 to Fall Out Boy's American Beauty/American Pyscho. I'd say the drive up went well. The Mayor spouted declarations of heat exhaustion in the backseat. A few friendly games were played. All of which I lost.

Our first stop in St. Louis was at war hero and president Ulysses S. Grant's Missouri home. That although named White Haven was in fact painted green with an even darker green finish. I've never felt much one way or another about my favorite Gilded Age presdent.

I found the exhibit to be fascinating. I can't deny that I'm actually obsessed with his love affair with wife Julia (Julie?). It was certainly more entertaining then I expected.

In other news. We checked into our hotel to find out that protests are taking place Downtown.

(The Only Photo We Took In The Museum)

8:41 pm

The protests happening downtown altered are plans. Originally our plan had to been to walk around downtown, find a good place to eat, see the arch, spend too much money going to the top. The usual day for tourists new to St. Louis. And, then a state of emergency for St. Louis was issued.

Are well timed trip had supposed to have been to Atlanta to visit. Thunder had just moved there with her fiancee (!). The twins mother was worried about race tensions.

We had to calmly remind her that she had wanted us to change our trip to St. Louis. My parents were oblivious.

The Mayor

Our trip marked the one year anniversary of the slaying of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri. The day before our arrival police officers put eighteen year old Tyrone Harris into critical condition after they exchanged gun fire with one another. The day we arrived friendly protestors were arrested outside of the federal courthouse in St. Louis. Later 30 protestors stopped traffic on I-70. Ferguson was everywhere. Our plans were just not feasible.

In true upper middle class fashion we escaped to a suburban retreat and obliviously drank our blackberry caramel frappuccino's while Natalia Kill's crooned over the loudspeaker at the Coffee Cartel that never closes.

Buy "Trouble"

The area we were in is called the Central West End. The name just screams luxury. We confined ourselves to the Maryland Plaza where most of the shopping was located. It was boutique shopping. It was decadence.

There was not a single thing we could afford. Our first dalliance was at the Lululemon Athletica. Based out of Canada with a logo eerily reminscent to that of Coco Peru's it offered sixty eight dollar tennis skirts and a plain striped shirt you could buy for $20 at Target for a marked up $54. It was the bargain.

This area is better then my entire existence. I can't express how necessary it was to price check every restaurant before we even considered stopping in it.

AG was the most interesting boutique. The woman behind it is a contributing editor of Vogue. Adriano Goldschmeid. She's been a host on some show on MTV or VH1 and now she's decided to dip her hand into the world of high end fashion. No, I don't want to spend ninety dollars on a beanie. Her style could be described smart and polished, but I think the words “boring” and “predictable” are more applicable. After this I truly expected to finding a Gucci flagship store next door.

My favorite store was 10Denza. I loved practically everything in it. Even the eight hundred dollar leather jacket. As the clerk mentioned we were lucky as they were having a sale. A cute patterned cobalt sweater I would spend thirty on was marked down to sixty. Down from a 108. The entire store was full of cute gay boy chic and enhanced feminine style. I loved it. My bank account not so much. The twins obnoxious friend would have loved it. I'm convinced he had floral patterned polo shirt in that exact shade of coral.

Our dinner was spent at the Kingside Diner. A glamorous and hip reasonably priced getaway across the street from a Guiness Record holding chess piece. It was the largest in the world.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor and Me

The waitress was a tatted LeAnn Rimes and one of her fellow waiters defined bro. He had twenty dollar knee high Nike socks. It was a look. The food was amazing. Our waitress completely sweet. I got the grilled cheese caprese and the twins finished two burgers with potato buns. My entire existence led up to eating this meal.

By this point it was almost dark (gasp) and this low rent Taylor Swift drove back to the our every stylish America's Best Value Inn.

11:46 pm

We took an hour break from human interaction with another. Followed it up with a bag of Cheez-It's two rounds of Zero. Miss Sara Bellum won the first round, me the second. Then, we played Blokus and I won. Fumbling through Tinder we casually had Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen on. I realized I was Lindsay Lohan and the twins were her best friend. Miss Sara Bellum flirted with a boy with tattoos. He was a mix between Pearl and Violet Chachki and he had a certain porn star quality about him.

That's what love is built on.

August 11th
3:23 am

I've been asleep for less then three hours and I've never been more awake in my life. I'm now locked in the bathroom updating my social media. From what I can tell the twins aren't sleeping that much better either.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

9:37 am

The twins groggily ignored their alarms at 8:30. I hadn't slept much better after crawling back into bed at 4:00 in the morning. We showered. Put on our scandalous bathing suits and enjoyed our first continental breakfast at America's Best Value Inn.

The waffle batter was empty. The coffee was proclaimed to be a St. Louis tradition and I had no idea how to work the toaster. Miss Sara Bellum threw a hot chocolate packet in her coffee. Another guest came in and did some deep breathing exercises. I updated my social media. It was productive. A wonderful morning wake up call.

10:05 pm

I have taken the twins virginity.

After breakfast we drove up to Six Flags over St. Louis, which isn't even in the same county. It was a pleasant drive. The line to get in was extensive. It's the last week of school before the native St. Louis children are going back to school. It was a joy.

This is one of the few times you will ever see a picture of me with my hair a mess. Much like Gotye's heart. One of the draws behind Atlanta was not only visiting Thunder, but also the water park there. The twins were the students in the Lizzie McGuire Movie who took a 24 hour bus trip to a water park instead of the eternal city of Rome.

On this proud day I took their roller coaster virginity. They had never been before. We took them on the wooden coaster American Thunder. They have both vowed to never ride another roller coaster in their life. Although, the Mayor did make it onto the Pandemonium for me. I hate doing anything alone.

Miss Sara Bellum's favorite ride was what I will describe as the scrambler. It was frequented by six years old. The three of us barely fit into one car and the ride operator serenaded us with “Let It Go”. It was magical.

As a group we only participated in one more ride. The water themed rapids Thunder River. The twins took part in the carousel. I took part in two more roller coasters. The Mine Train and The Boss. I never did get to go upside down.

Most of our day was spent in the water park. Disappointingly enough there was not a single attractive male. There was one exception of the Under Armour hugging twenty year old. He was gorgeous, although it's always so hard to tell when people have on sunglasses. Gorgeous women abounded. Even without our glasses on we could tell.

Miss Sara Bellum

The Mayor

We realized very quickly that the three of us would have to deal with the potential loss of our glasses. The only tension we had was when we were deciding where to go, but couldn't see anything. We went down slides. Almost drowned in the artificial tidal waves one of the beach areas produced. It was anything if boring.

Six Flags doesn't disappoint. I hate to admit that there was a special place in my heart for the Lazy River. I could have spent all day there. Just not eight dollars for a tube rental. It was a little steep.

It was at the end of the day I raced onto two roller coasters. The before mentioned Mine Train and The Boss. Little did I know that The Boss is one of the fastest rides there and also the longest at three minutes and ten seconds long. The twins most certainly could not have handled it.

Oddly enough one of the attendants was this sun kissed blonde. I was dressed conservative for me. At this point I had on board shorts over my swimsuit. And, he stretched out his hand. Thanks to the preparation of my heterosexual coworker I was able to respond appropriately. I fist bumped him.

The ride was terrifying. I can't tell you what it was, but I was horribly sad. Our day at Six Flags was over. It was almost as if I was emotionally drained. It was as if Summer was over. The drive back to our hotel was difficult. I've never felt so incomplete. We had on Lana Del Rey. That certainly didn't help anything. I don't know it might be that I haven't cried recently, but I was overwhelmed. I'm still frustratingly saddened.

The stop at our hotel enabled me to fix my hair before we went out for dinner. We went to this restaurant called Rooster. It was modern. We drank out of mason glasses, presumably to help the upper middle class relate to the poor. Our table was one solid connected unit of table. It screamed professionally designed and more importantly it was fabulous.

Apparently all male waiters in St. Louis are muscular. Ours was very pleasant. He suggested to the twins that they should ride Mr. Freeze at Six Flags. This ride goes upside down, shoots you backward. It was not filed under anything they could do. They struggled with the ferris wheel.

Me and The Mayor

Me and Miss Sara Bellum

Miss Sara Bellum ordered a steak frites (delicious), The Mayor got a strawberry Nutella crepe (essentially a bottle of Nutella with carbs), and I got a Veggie Burger. There was ginger root on it. The ranch I dipped my french fries was homemade. God is real and he lives at Rooster.

In order to convince the staff that we never stop eating. We came home with a box of Insomnia Cookies. Tragically they don't deliver where our hotel is located. I've already convinced the hotel staff we're crazy by yelling at Hilary Duff to “slay” and “be a queen” when she was on The View in the lobby.

Insomnia Cookies are an institution. Fresh baked cookies. Warm. Moist. Orgasmic. A little revolting if you have Miss Sara Bellum express her love for them. They might be perfection. Jesus might make them on the midnight shift. My entire view of the world has changed, because of the food in St. Louis.

The follow up and conclusion will be posted next Wednesday.

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A Day Out

7/22/2015

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Wednesday.

That's the day I do mostly everything in my life. There's something about a Wednesday. I spent the better part of this day with one of my favorite people from college. She has red hair just like Jenny and I think I must be attract friendships with red heads. Still she has a blonde aura about her. She's a blondie at heart.

The plan Blondie and I set up was to just go shopping. Stop wherever we wanted and browse as poor college students, there was almost nothing we could afford. Our first and most successful stop was at Urban Outfitters. It wasn't so much that we couldn't afford things in this store. It was more there were better ways we could spend eighty dollars, then on a piece of fabric masquerading as a dress.

The most exciting part of Urban Outfitters was their vinyl collection. The only place to go when you want all of the days hit records on vinyls. Beyonce's self titled set was there for fifty dollars, the exclusive Lana Del Rey Ultraviolence was there. The cover sported a sexy knee and the vinyls were translucent. Still. Not thirty five dollar cool. Taylor Swift's 1989 was on the wall, obscure indie bands had their place in between Ed Sheeran's X and the Muse's latest release Drones.

It really was pretty cool. They even had vinyl record players ranging from a $100 to $200 available for purchase. The price of free that was the one my Aunt gave me was a much better deal.

Side note that I swear I've seen a really nice one at Target for around a $100. Urban Outfitters really is a browsing, not a buying store.

We went into a few boutique stores. We weren't impressed. I did find some glittery shorts that would be perfect for a clubbing outfit. I was $35 dollars too poor for that investment.

The most surprising find was this little antique store. The antiques for the most part were inconsequential. There was a vinyl selection. Three dollars each and in among the pile was Olivia Newton-John's Have You Never Been Mellow and Linda Ronstadts iconic Simple Dreams.

They were perfect for my burgeoning record collection that includes Ricky Nelson, Elvis Presley, and The Sound of Music soundtrack. All of which were part of one of my not so recent videos “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of... Shut Up I'm Trying To Talk Here.”

Blondie and I also stopped by this gorgeous church. All the doors were locked. It was Pentecostal. No surprise. All I wanted was to get my God on and I was God blocked.

We then ventured our way further into the heart of the city. Exhausted. Our thirst not quenched. I parallel parked (successfully). We walked. Lost more bodily fluids. Found a shop that boasted liquid refreshments. They had milkshakes. We moved on.

It was while traipsing down a tree covered boulevard that we discovered a quaint little coffee shop that could only be found in a city. It was cavernous. Expansive. Not surprisingly empty considering it was 3:00. We sat down gazed at the board. Finally settled on what to get. Blondie got a Mocha Frappucino (?) and I got a wonderful iced grean tea latte. It was perfect.

In true college student fashion, we kept walking around. Did a little more browsing. None of it serious and finally returned home about 5:00. I had more plans for the night. It might surprise you that I'd stayed in bed the past two days with practically no human contact.

I'd made it through this day with three inch wedges on.

I finally got home. I'd made the decision to let my mother in on these shoes. I've had them for a while now. It just wasn't something I've shared with her. They are certainly my most conservative. And, I said to myself today is the day. I'd prepped her on the fact that I'd wanted to be taller then Boomer.

I showed them to her and she called me a “cross dresser” (this was following an encounter where I had on a shirt with a peter pan collar). Needless to say I believe I'm going to succeed in being the family disappointment one more year in row. So, that's exciting. I think I'm even running unopposed.

The twins and I decided to go to the trivia night. Again. It went really great. We got to the coffee shop and low behold someone we knew from high school was working there. Apparently she'd moved out and was now living in apartment.

She was renting with this boy who's a complete stoner. Now she is an arts major, but even she knew this wasn't a good idea. It was so great that she was there. I was able to pester her with all the questions I had, since I've started going there.

Now the actual trivia was questionable. Team Name: 50 States of Beyonce. We didn't win best team name surprise of all surprises. We also got dead last place. Not kind of last place. We hardcore lost. It was really great. We left our team name off of one of the ballots, because we were doing so bad. I'm so ashamed that Beyonce had to be linked to our ineptitude.

Usually after a night on the town. We go to Walgreens. However, we decided to live on the wild side and go to Target. I think the Mayor bought starbursts?

It was really productive. A solid night.

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Wax On, Hair Off

7/8/2015

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I am here to educate you on the wonders of waxing your hair off. I had very hairy legs (had being the key word in this sentence). This kept me from wearing shorts in a hundred degree weather and I said to myself, “I'm fucking done with this”. I didn't feel sexy and I was like it is time to do this for me.

I bought some shorts from Forever 21. The only clothing store that makes clothes for people without curves. And, of course they were short as fuck. You go hard or you go home. It doesn't matter how skimpy they are when the only difference between outside and hell is the fact that you have a Popsicle, I will slut it up.

Now I took some advice from Cosmopolitan's article on hair removal. I wish I had the money to pay someone to rip the hair off my body, but tragically my slightly above minimum wage job doesn't support such luxuries when your trying to save money. Cosmo suggested the Sally Hansen Waxing Kit. It was only ten dollars and I said yes.

It was a good price and I would recommend using it. Joyce said she didn't like it, but I'm satisfied with the results. It was spa day for me. I turned on the new Florence and the Machine album How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful and sat down in the kitchen on some ratty towels and waxed away.

Now the box says a full body kit. One kit waxed one leg. Now mind you this was my first time doing it. I probably used too much wax. Wasted some solid strip space. Regardless I had to go out and buy another kit.

My hair wasn't done, but the outfit was on point. I dropped my check off at the bank. Then, I went out and picked up another one. I run into someone from high school at the checkout line. He tells me he likes my new hair color and I'm like fuck. My hair isn't did. He looked good. I suppose it was nice to catch up with him, but it was a slap in the face to not look on fleek when you go out. Not that I looked terrible.

Then, I said I'll get some gas. Ran into the Miss Sara Bellum's ex boyfriend. I didn't even wave. I got out. Pumped my gas. Opened my Vogue and waited for the pump to click. He's an obnoxious heterosexual male. I'm sure he didn't have time to notice my unkempt hair with me giving the side eye.

Finally got home. This time turned on Flo Rida's album Wild Ones and finished waxing. It's like shaving. You have to be a contortionist to get some of this areas. Behind my knee cap was a struggle. It was completely worth it. I can't lie to you and say it wasn't painful. It wasn't as bad as I expected. You hear horror stories and it wasn't a B-Rated horror flick at worst.

If you can't deal with the pain. Do small areas. Ripping off an entire strip of hair can be a struggle. Cut the strips down in size, so your not taking so much off at once. When I was doing smaller areas. I couldn't even feel it.

Now if you go with the Sally Hansen kit be forewarned that it's messy to get off. However, if your a poor college student like me, the time it takes to wash it off is most certainly worth it.

The twins loved it. I went out with them to a Trivia Night (Team name: Bed, Bath, & Beyonce) and I had on these Taylor Swiftesque blue spandex. Their mother said they were not allowed to go out dressed like that. To be fair if I had an ass it would have been hanging out. I looked flawless. My six inch wedges elongated my legs. A man whistled on me. I don't think he knew I wasn't female. So, that's awkward for him. I'm honestly just so glad I got slut shamed. Life goals accomplished.

The next time I wore shorts I was out with Sacajawea at my coworker's birthday celebration. Sacajawea loved my look. She said my shorts were shorter then hers (I swear they were the same length). Her mother wondered what I was wearing and she said with shorts like that she thought it was promiscuous to wear heels.

I didn't think it was the time to tell her about my wardrobe choices. The problem with Sacajawea and I going out in public together is that we both act like were under the influence of something without drinking. No one believed that we were sober the entire time.

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Dance. Sex. Tech.

5/27/2015

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I've never broken dress code before.

It started that morning when I was getting dressed to go to school. After I got out of class I was driving three hours to meet my favorite twins to go see a drag queen. The question of course is what do you wear to meet a drag queen?

I threw on this cute crop top. That has long sleeves by the way. WHY. Then, I threw on this cute eighties, Shannen Dohertyesque jacket on over it, put on my tightest skinny jeans, and my four and a half inch leopard print wedges (because why not) and sashayed out to school.

Now at my school no one said anything about what I was wearing. This really sweet octogenarian even told me I looked like a model. Praise her. I will take my compliments where I can get them. Of course I locked myself out of my car. Again. This is the third time in the past month. Normally, I'm not that worried. I can just stay on campus until someone can get me a ride. But, that day I had plans. I had to leave. I shamelessly asked five people to help until my favorite English major was like I got you boo.

She loves James Joyce and honestly I judge for it. I appreciate The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man as a literary achievement, but that doesn't mean I like him. So, Joyce helped me out and we bonded. Talked shit about people had a good time. And , then I got in my car to go.

It was an all around mess. It was raining. And, the last time I'd driven on the freeway for an extended period of time, I was sixteen, and almost ran off the road. Friendly, reminder do not take long road trips while listening to Jenny Lewis. You need turn up music. And, as much as I love her that was not the way to start the trip off.

Needless to say three hours later I arrive (safely) on their campus. And, I'm walking up to their dorm with my jacket open, because I have a crop top. And, I might as well let people know I have a flat stomach while it's still present. When the Mayor is all like “Oh my god, you look fabulous, but you're breaking dress code.”

This is a college campus and I am breaking dress code. Apparently, I can be fined for it. I am showing my midriff. Please calm yourself. You also aren't allowed to swear on their campus. What the fuck is that. And, they have a curfew. What kind of regressive nonsense is that. Their campus is beautiful, but let's be real it's not that beautiful.

The reason I drove up to see them was so we could go see Pearl. The most beautiful drag queen off of the seventh season of RuPaul's Drag Race. She was performing that night and I was like yes god. Her show started at 11:00, so before that. We had time to kill.

They took me to their Forever 21. It was huge. I spent too much money. And, I'm actually regretting the fact that I didn't buy this cute black crop top and this floral printed top. But, they were both long sleeved and it's basically summer now. When am I going to wear that. October.

Probably the most surprising thing was when we went to this Thai food restaurant. It was amazing. The twins are picky eaters. I did not anticipate them picking this place. We shared everything. We got sushi, crab wontons, some not quite amazing beef skewer things, and this hella fancy french fries with like goat cheese on them or something. It was amazing.

And, the waiters. They were all hot. Practically. They all wore all black and we got the second cutest waiter. At one point they all walked out together and it was a fashion show. They strutted. It was amazing. I was ready to whore myself out and the twins were cleavage bearing. But, I was most certainly the whore of the group.

At this point we actually went over to the club. I have never been clubbing before, so this was an experience. We didn't actually do a lot of dancing. We wanted good close standing to see Pearl peform. Poor life choice when all of you have on your wedges. This was a Friday. I'm sitting here on a Sunday and my toes are still a little numb.

They had some amateur drag before Pearl's show and that was a ratchet mess, but I loved it. You really haven't lived until you've seen a drag queen lipsync to “I Will Always Love You”. Not all of them wore heels and that was a disappointment. You may be amateur, but huntie gots to get their 1 inch kitten heels on.

The twins both had wedges on. Shorter then mine, but they also don't wear them every day like I do. They were like we need to find a place to sit down for a moment. During this process I casually ran into this really cute guy, who most certainly objectified me. It's like I appreciate that you enjoy my flat stomach. But, please calm yourself.

He actually stood behind us for part of the show and Miss Sara Bellum pointed him out to me. She certainly knows my taste in men.

Honestly, being surrounded by cute gay men is kind of my thing. There was so much aesthetic going on. There was this drink server. I think they said his name was Clive. He had on a tight pair of jeans and a crop top with “I Woke Up Like This” blazoned across it. He was even doing the Freddie Mercury mustache. I felt his look.

Now, when Pearl's actual set came on. We were surrounded by this group of friends. It was three guys. And, do you ever get the feeling that friends have fucked each other. That's the vibe they had. Like, sure they were friends. But, at some point they had been a little bit extra. These boys were extra. One had bleach blonde hair with half of it shaved off. It wasn't for me. The second one didn't have good hair, but he was kind of non descriptive. The third. Lord. His hair was on point, but not a good point. He had this Mohawk. His hair was piled up. It was immaculate. It was amazing. It just wasn't a good look.

Of course they were obnoxious as fuck. That's fine. They had this female friend, who I thought was really pretty. The twins did not agree. At one point she threatened to throw her drink at this queen who was lip syncing to “Let It Go”. I honestly felt her. This girl's hair was immaculate. It was straight and blonde. There was not an extra ounce fat on her. Her dress was orange and electric. Her heels were high. I appreciated her.

The actual show itself was pretty amazing. There were four other queens with Pearl. They opened by doing a lip sync to “Lady Marmalade”. The one representing P!NK was on fire. Then, this queen named Princess started to dictate the show. She was funny. She had tattoos. She was amazing. Honestly, what she did is what I wish Pearl had done. At the end of the show I felt like I got to know Princess better then Pearl. All of Princess's lip sync's were on point. Her final one was a mash up of Lily Allen's “Fuck You”, Big Sean's “I Don't Fuck With You”, and Cee Lo Green's “Fuck You”. They all had the corresponding theme of fuck to prove how ladylike she was.

There was a little part of me that was worried about Pearl's lipsync performance. On Drag Race. She did not bring it. Apparently, though when she has time to choreograph her moves, Pearl can rock. She was amazing and electric. She was fidgety and Pearl looked sexy as fuck. Her pants were tight and good. Her nose ring was classy without over doing it. I loved her look.

The only disappointing part of the night was that we didn't get to take a picture with Pearl. The line was a mess. An absolute mess. I swear it didn't move at all. And, the twins had a curfew. Their school needs to calm itself.

They were more disappointed then I was about not getting the picture. Knowing me I would have looked awkward as fuck and then I would have felt obligated to put it in this blog post. That just wouldn't have worked.

We did struggle to actually get back to their dorms. It doesn't matter that they've lived here for a year at this point. They had no idea how to get home. Do not rely on a GPS to the point where you can't function without it.

My drive home was great. It rained the whole way. But, I had turn up music on the whole time. That Rihanna. That Madonna. That Britney Spears and Lady Gaga. Shout out to them for aiding in my hearing loss. I got home and my parents asked me how the concert was and until that moment I had totally forgot that I told them I was seeing Walk The Moon instead of a drag queen at a gay bar.

My turn up playlist.

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Let's Talk Shit

12/17/2014

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My life has been exceedingly dull.

My classmates, however. I don't know what is happening to them. They have lost their minds. Let me tell you.

Let's start away from my lovely school at dear friend J.Lo's dorm and her dorm mate. Now J.Lo is Thunder's sister. I would say we're friends. Great friends, best friends for life. No. But, we enjoy each other's company and that's a good of place to start as any for a friendship.

Her roommate I know. I've known this girl since the 4th grade. For the sake of protecting the not innocent we will call her 'dumb bitch'. So, this dumb bitch is going to herself kicked out of school, arrested, raped, or killed. Possibly all of the above.

In high school she was I'm such a good Christian girl. Now she's acting popular? She was so drunk two weekends ago that five people had to carry her home. Note the words 'five' and 'carry'. Dumb bitch. It's one thing to drink. It's one thing to get a little wild. But, you could not even stand. You were so wasted it took five people to carry you home.

This is not a wet campus by the way. There is not supposed to be alcohol. So, needless to say it would have been hard to explain why an 18 year old was so piss ass drunk it took five girls to carry her home.

A few weeks ago we had a foam party on my campus. I for one am not about to go to a foam party Paris Hilton isn't hosting. And, there is this very gay boy in my English class. I think he's a sophomore. Well, needless to say him and this boy went to the foam party. For the sake of cohesiveness we will call them 'A' and 'B'.

Well, A and B got real drunk. Not as drunk as dumb bitch, but drunk enough. They had very loud, very passionate sex in a shower. This is how you know they were really drunk. It was not even in one of their showers it was in one of the girls dorm rooms.

I cringe thinking about it. This is not meant to be. I'm worried they didn't remember the condoms. They were in someone else's bathroom fucking each other. I can't imagine what kind of lubricant they were using.

There was also an orgy on campus. For some reason this is not as bad as dumb bitch's story. I'm like that seems like a terrible idea, but the person who told me about it remembers it. There was alcohol involved, but it wasn't that bad. Although, according to my source, a brother and sister were involved. I only got their side of the story, so I do not know if the brother and sister participated in the orgy together or if they participated in the orgy together.

I will keep you updated.

A friend's sister is also in rehab. She called her parents drunk, while doing cocaine and meth. There's that little scandal for you. She is in rehab, she should be fine.

A coworker of mine has a sextape out. She is a minor. She's not super pretty. I have not seen the video, but apparently it's just her masturbating. I cringe. And, she apologizes all the time. I cannot handle it. Stop apologizing to me.

Your entire high school has seen you finger yourself. Get your life together. Why are you apologizing to me. You need to be apologizing to God. To your parents. To your brother, because you both share the same cloud account. Did this girl not hear about Jennifer Lawrence. This will be out there forever. She also has braces. This is not the kind of sex tape you shrug off and say I look really hot in.

That's life for you.

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<<Previous

Penis Necklaces & Meeting Bonnie McKee

Chance Encounters & Me

I'm Poor

First Week Of SChool

Road Trip! (Part Two)

Road Trip! (Part One)

A Day Out

Wax On, Hair Off

Dance. Sex. Tech.

Let's Talk Shit

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