Category: Defy

Whoroscope

6/12/2015

Horoscopes are completely full of shit, but that doesn't stop me from finding out what my Taurus self is up to. I check it in the newspapers when I'm visiting my grandparents. I get supremely annoyed when I can't find it in Cosmopolitan. Last month's accurately predicted that I would be busy with work throughout June.

I realized that I am witty and charming. However, divine inspiration for today's article came from Kacey Musgraves (Yes, Same Trailer, Different Park Kacey Musgraves). In her song “Follow Your Arrow” she tongue in cheek remarks that “If you don't save yourself for marriage you're a whoreable person”. So, instead of “horoscopes” we have “whoroscopes” to fit my tendencies better.

Buy "Follow Your Arrow"

I used horoscopes to flirt with someone before. Actually, you can't call it flirting. It was more a conversation piece. I got this horoscope that told you what female singer you were. I got Lana Del Rey. I was just so glad I didn't get Meghan Trainor.

But, I thought it was so funny how I got Lana. I was like does this mean I want to fuck my father? I thought this was charming little anecdote and I used it. To be fair I did get a little laugh out of it. I've actually used this horoscope so many times. So many people who know me must be like was he flirting with me? No, sweetheart. I have standards.

Horoscopes are just fun things to play with. Enjoy. Revel in. Some people are such fun suckers and they refuse to enjoy a good horoscope. We are not talking about building your life around your daily horoscope. But, did it end up that badly for Jennifer Lopez in Monster In Law? No. She got a sexy doctor, the day her horoscope told her she would find love.

One day I was just going through all the horoscopes I'd found on tumblr with some people and we had the most fun. Laughing at how ridiculous some of them and how accurate some of them are. If you ever want to find my horoscopes on tumblr there's a search button on the top of my tumblr page. Just put in 'Taurus' and it will come right up. I tag all of my horoscopes with my sign.

“I'm no virgin or no virgo”
- truth from Kesha

For a while I thought I was an Aquarius and by a while I mean a few years. My parents are very religious and my Zodiac sign was not high on their priority list of things to teach me. I think I wanted to be an Aquarius so bad, because being an unnoticeable if sturdy car was really not my thing. Now I embrace my tauruship.

Below are some of my favorite horoscopes (taken from tumblr) and the birthdays for all of the signs in case you too have convinced yourself that your an Aquaurius.

Aries: March 21-April 19
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Leo: July 23-August 22
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Libra: September 23-October 22
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Pisces: February 19-March 20

If the signs hate you:

will tell you: scorpio, sagittarius, aries, gemini, leo
will be nice to you but talk mad shit about you: pisces, cancer, taurus, libra
won't tell you but will make it so you know they hate you: virgo, capricorn, aquarius,

Flirting

Aries: accidentally obsesses. pay attention to them or they'll make u
Taurus: lots of shy eye contact. smiles from ear to ear. laughs at ALL your jokes.
Gemini: tell you a ton of stories and jokes to try to impress you. lots of 'accidental' touching.
Cancer: talks to all their friends about how much they like you. never acts like it around you tho
Leo: acting more proud than the norm. wants to cuddle and talk with you 24/7. shows you everything that they've done (art/writing/funny text/etc)
Virgo: extra nervous around you. even more cautious with their words. stutters out compliments all the time
Libra: giggly. looks like they're literally in love with you. teases gently. throws constant compliments at u
Scorpio: might stare at you so intensely it seems like they're glaring. asks more personal questions about you. laughs with you
Sagittarius: laughs more frequently than the usual. acts even more friendly. wants to do all sorts of crazy things with you
Capricorn: chokes on their words. gets overwhelmed by simple things (ie. their emotions). grins ear to ear and giggles quietly at the idea of you.
Aquarius: bullies you. tries harder to be around you. tells you their secrets and maybe how they're really feeling.
Pisces: hides their face (with their hands, looking away, anyway they can really) from you. flirts a little boldly at you and then says they're kidding. daydreams about you and tells their friends about it.