Category: Movie

The Cover Of A Playboy Magazine

11/5/2015

I waited to publish this article. I heard the news. I was casually on twitter not paying attention to the third party contract my professor was discussing when I find out that Playboy is no longer participating in nudity. The magazine for men is giving up it's pornographic past.

Shock. It hit me. What is Playboy without it's centerfold unfurled with bunny ears and her breasts out? The concept of boys reading Playboy for the articles throws me.

I did some research for you. Founded in 1953 by the still CEO, Hugh Hefner, Playboy was America's premier trashy magazine. With enough of a glamourized past to inspire the short lived retro throwback The Playboy Club. Not even the gorgeous Amber Heard and Eddie Cibrian could save it

The fate of the centerfold is still in question. Reasons for the change have been noted as a decreased circulation. Currently, the magazine has a subscription of 700,000 compared to it's 70's 5.6 million. Hugh Hefner cited the easy access of pornographic images in any possible combination as the reason for the change. There will still be scantily clad women.

Playboy is archaic as a symbol of patriarchal society. However, without it we wouldn't have the nudes of all the famous women we do. Playboy has been quite successful in this endeavor. Marilyn Monroe, Farrah Fawcett, and Drew Barrymore. And, let's not forget Lindsay Lohan who said it was freeing “not to use a vaginal plug.”

I have a conflicted view of Playboy. Despite the obvious misgivings, they've done some upstanding things. They refused to publish the nudes of Vanessa Williams. Eventually, Penthouse went on to publish them forcing her to give back her crown.

Conversely, their Playgirl publication published the unsolicited nudes of Brad Pitt. The magazine sold out before it could be removed from stands.The 90's were the time to be alive. It was an intelligent business decision if not ethical.

Playboy has done some things to garner the argument that men “read it for the articles”. Stephen King got his start publishing short stories in Playboy. They've also included works by notable writers such as Ian Fleming and Margaret Atwood. Famed Japanese writer Haruki Murakami is included on their list of contributors. I wrote an article on him entitled “Translation Please” (read here).

Even, Shel Silverstein has some of his cartoon renderings included in the pages of a Playboy magazine. Apparently, Playboy was a showcase for cartoonists.

The argument that Playboy is an intellectual pursuit is slim. Even, with it's political commentary, that does tend to run liberal. A point in it's favor is that Playboy has been printed in braille. The question is do they put erotic descriptions of the centerfold in place of the picture for the blind. Or is it truly just an intellectual pursuit like it's proponents claim.

It seems like an end to an era. A new generation of children will no longer be able to find sexually explicit magazines in their father's sock drawer. Could there ever be another House Bunny movie? Is the objectification of blonde shell bombs over? And, more importantly will we ever see another Kendra Wilkinson. A girl who's fame is based solely on her large breasts and perky personality and who's husband still cheated on her. Only magazine subscriptions will tell.

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Something Borrowed, Something Blue, & Something To Read

9/10/2015

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I didn't spend a solid two days reading a book to not tell you about it. I've finally gotten around to reading Emily Giffin's Something Blue. I swear I thought her last name was Griffin not Giffin. Emily Giffin is a queen in the category of romance novelist.

I love her work. It's quick, fast paced, and always delectable in a tasteful way. I own a few copies of her books. All of them are courtesy of my older sister. Her husband forced her to get rid of all of her books in exchange for an e-reader. Now she has a kindle and a non existent book case.

My mother was the recipient of some of her books. My mother only reads Christian fiction and I came into contact with two novels by Giffin. Her breakout novel Something Borrowed and Baby Proof (my former personal favorite).

Now I would love to delve in the intricacies and of her other works like Heart of the Matter and Love The One You're With, but we have a star filled movie and two novels to tear apart.

The first book I read by her was Something Borrowed. The one that had a feature film tie in. It was the romantic comedy of summer 2011. I saw it twice in theaters. Once with the twins and the second with my great Aunt. The last time I watched it was when I was on my 19th birthday after my mother bought it for me at Target.

Now Something Borrowed tells the story of Rachel stealing her best friend Darcy's fiancee Dex days before their wedding day. Talk about sharing. Now Rachel does come across more sympathetic then my little blurb suggests. This was Emily Giffin's first novel and frankly not her best. It was however enjoyable, although I never quite gelled with the lead love interest.

He might have been attractive and wealthy, but he was an ass. He was indecisive and I was not about him. He needed to get his shit together. It was the same thing in the movie. Each time I read the book or watched the movie I hoped she would end up with her best friend Ethan. I didn't want Rachel with Dex. She was too pure of a cinnamon roll for him. Needless to say I didn't get what I wanted.

We were supposed to side with Rachel. After all Darcy was a bitch, but I always sided with her. I liked Darcy. I've always had a thing for the bitch.

Darcy is immaculately played by Kate Hudson in the film version. And, frankly Ginnifer Goodwin was her typical boring self as Rachel in the film. Although, shout out to her for keeping that role alive on Once Upon A Time. I think Ginnifer Goodwin is boring but she seems really sweet. I love what they did with Ethan in the movie. He was so cute and funny and if we're being honest it's the reason I started crushing as hard as I do on John Krasinski. Although, I do live for him and Emily Blunt's romance.

The lead was as dull and flat and two dimensional as could be expected. Dex was played by a reasonably attractive Colin Egglesfield. Although, I've always thought his face was somewhat disproportionate.

Kate Hudson played Darcy

John Krasinski played Ethan

Ginnifer Goodwin played Rachel

Colin Egglesfield played Dex

It might not sound like I enjoyed this movie, but it's a guilty pleasure. I live for it. If you need a good rom com please watch it. Queue it up on your Netflix.

This was not the corner piece in Emily Giffin's career in my opinion. Until I stopped at the library and picked up Something Blue. The follow up to Something Borrowed that tells the story from Darcy's perspective.

Author Emily Giffin (far right) reading a copy of Something Borrowed

It killed my body. Darcy is vain shallow and pretentious. She's a bitch and frankly far more entertaining a story teller then Rachel was. This book was my life. Of course Darcy stumbles upon some realizations and becomes less of a self centered bitch with the perfect life.

This book slayed. I say skip reading Something Borrowed and just read Something Blue. It gives you all the background information you need and it's ten times more entertaining. I'm honestly so upset that the movie version wasn't successful enough to warrant this sequel. Because, it is more of a sequel then a retelling of the original novel.

Something Blue knocked Baby Proof off the top of my favorite books by Emily Giffin. Kate Hudson deserves to shine in a sequel. It would be so good. It could be a television series. You could put on Lifetime if they would make it. I would live.

The summer is technically over, but if you have time on your hands or a free weekend to grab a book may I suggest Emily Giffin. Pick at random or go for Something Blue. You won't go wrong.

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Video Games Are Art

8/27/2015

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I went to an art exhibit with Boomer recently. The question posed was “Are video games art?” The point of the exhibit was to convince you that they are.

I dragged Boomer along, so we could get some culture in and because he's obsessed with video games. I am not so. One time a boy asked me if I played video games. I said no and then I was like well... And, he said to me that whenever people say that it means that they have a Wii.

He was right.

Now the exhibit was interactive. You could actually play some of the games. It was really cool. Boomer did not let me read most of the information despite the fact that I was blogging on the material. He already knew most of it. Still, it was amazing.

The very first home gaming system was the Odyssey. Yes, I had to google that. I didn't remember. I can't tell you much about it other then it's old as hell. This gaming system was released in 1972. I was unaware that these things existed outside of arcades until the nineties. The flagship game for this system was the immortal pong.

Now I learned something crazy about Pac-Man. So, Pac-Man is actually based off a Japanese story. The story is that this creature eats children in order to protect them from monsters. It really begs the question of who's the villain in this story. Now, I don't know about you, but I've never been good at Pac-Man. Or any video game.

One of the most interesting games I learned about was 1943: The Battle of Midway. The concept is that your this fighter jet attacking Japanese planes in order to sink one of the Japanese ships. It was one of the most successful shoot em up games. But, the crazy part to me is that this was created by Japanese developers. I find that to be an interesting choice. I don't know how I as Japanese person would have felt about creating a video game where the goal is for Americans to kill the Japanese. It's a little unsettling.

This game was even on the immortal Commodore. A gaming system I'd never heard of until this exhibit.

During the nineties video games really hit their stride. Sega released their console Genesis with their incredibly successful Sonic franchise. Did you know that Sonic only has one eye and that the character Tails was originally supposed to be based off of Madonna? It's crazy.

The exhibit also discussed computer games. The only one it really focused on was Myst. I knew of this game. It was an adventure puzzle game. It pioneered computer video games. My aunt loves this game. It's supposed to be incredibly difficult. You don't know what's happening. Your just this unnamed character exploring this island The only kind of puzzle games I ever played were the Nancy Drew ones. I'm just a dork enough to love them.

The craziest thing that happened is how upset Boomer was that Halo 2 was featured instead of the original Halo for X-Box. He was so mad. I even sparked a debate at my work over this very topic. Something was said about the multiplayer online function or something like that. Either way I didn't understand any of the anger. The only time I ever played Halo they had to turn off the friendly fire option, because I kept killing my partner.

Now the game I truly consider art was Flower. It was released on one of the Play Station systems and the entire point is to move flowers. You play the wind and you traverse this terrain. It's soothing and beautiful. Absolutely amazing. Now, I wouldn't have spent fifty dollars to play the wind, but I most certainly see the artistic merit of this game. It was visually stunning. The entire thing.

The final game I saw that sparked my interest was released a few years ago. It's called Heavy Rain. Boomer had never played it, but he had heard of it. It's the kind of game where you can make moral choices that effect the game play. You can kill people.

There's a serial killer who drowns people during heavy rain. It's intense. There's a cop. There's children. Multiple ways to get to the end of the story and different ways to act out the scenario. Your basically living this story. It would be too much for me, but I digress.

I don't know if I've done an accurate job of relaying the history of video games or convinced you that their art. But, no one can ever tell me that there isn't artistic merit to these games. Creating these worlds with computer models instead of a paint brush doesn't diminish their creativity.

Although, Halo is not art. It has the merit of a Kids Bop CD.

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Bling Ring Famous

7/30/2015

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A night of cheap entertainment was in order. Currently there's $25.17 in my bank account (I'm ignoring the textbooks that still need to be bought). Joyce and I caught up over a bottle of apple cider and showed each other two movies we had to see.

Writer, Producer, Director Sofia Coppola

My choice was The Bling Ring. The first time I saw this movie was with my former best friend. It was rated R and I felt like such a rebel seeing it when I was 17. This movie is based on the Hollywood Hills Burglaries. A string of crimes committed by teenagers where they robbed celebrity homes.

This is one of those movies that is just one of my favorites. It's a little off the beaten path. It was written and directed by Sofia Coppola (the woman behind Lost In Translation). It's an indie film. This is one of those movies that showed at Cannes to great acclaim.

The cast is fairly female driven only with the androgynous chemistry of Marc (played by Israel Broussard) to break the estrogen. There are some great guest appearances by Paris Hilton, Leslie Mann, and Kirsten Dunst. Emma Watson also plays one of the thieves with her iconic line, “I want to rob.”

Israel Broussard

Emma Watson

Paris Hilton

Leslie Mann

Kirsten Dunst

It's scary how accurately this movie portrays teenagers. They are fame obsessed. They have pouty mouths to have pouty mouths. They do drugs and they party. All while their parents ignore them. Sofia Coppola did an amazing job accurately portraying them. You root for them even as you know there is only one way this will end. It's a teen movie that certainly trying to say something about society. And, how we're driven.

I shamelessly own the soundtrack. It's one of those movies where you just walk out needing the audio that played with this plot. Kanye West assisted in the song choices. It's eclectic in taste. You have the noise of Sleigh Bells “Crown on the Ground”, the M.I.A anthem “Bad Girls”, two Kanye contributions with “Power” and “All of the Lights”, a string of ratchet rap provided by Rick Ross (“9 Piece”) and 2 Chainz (“Money Machine”) and some cool R&B given to us through Frank Ocean's “Super Rich Kids”.

Buy "Crown On The Ground"

Buy "9 Piece"

Buy "All Of The Lights"

Buy "Power"

Buy "Money Machine"

Buy "Super Rich Kids"

Buy "Bad Girls"

This movie is a 5 star experience. It's funny. It has a message to be taken away from it. It's 90 minutes long. Take your time out and see it.

Joyce's choice for a movie was Almost Famous. A movie I'd know of, but was not fully aware of. I'd wanted to see it. I was not disappointed.

I thought it starred Drew Barrymore. It starred Kate Hudson. I thought this was a Janis Joplin rise and fall of an almost star with Kate Hudson overdosing in the end a la The Rose. That was very wrong. This was a 70's inspired masterpiece. Think American Hustle.

A rock band that likes to have sex and party hard. A young journalist who hasn't been deflowered. A plane going down in the tragic tradition of Buddy Holly and Ricky Nelson. A homosexual identity revealed with a “I'm gay!” The quintessential explanation of what the seventies were. The late and great Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays a role that seems less a role, then real life.

It was nominated for four Oscars. It's practically a landmark in cinematography. Zooey Deschanel plays the role of the narrator's sister. She's giving us some Katy Perry realness and it makes me wonder how hard it would be to replace Katy with Zooey. They could be twins.

Katy Perry

Zooey Deschanel

This is another movie with a killer soundtrack. It would have to be when it centers around a writer from Rolling Stone and his youthful exuberance. My sister swears on this soundtrack, the way she swears on the soundtrack to Coyote Ugly. The soundtrack to Almost Famous won a grammy in it's category and features a who's who's of 70's inspiration. Simon & Garfunkel, The Who, Rod Stewart, Led Zeppelin, Elton John, David Bowie all make appearances. It's a soundtrack for every generation.

If The Bling Ring didn't capture your attention and Almost Famous seems tepid. I can't help you. These movies are tens across the board and the highlight of 2000 and 2013. Get your life together.

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The Hills Are Alive!

7/16/2015

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Two musical throwbacks in a row? Yes. After Grease I was inspired to watch The Sound of Music. Not so much inspired as I have to show you the culture that exists in this movie. Both Te Amo and Rosencrantz had never seen it. It was time to fix that. I also hadn't seem them yet this summer. And, I can also promo my video “The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of.... Shut Up I'm Trying To Talk Here” (I'm convinced this should be the title of the next Fall Out Boy hit).

Subscribe to the Bubble Righted Channel on YouTube.

What is there really to say about The Sound Of Music other then Gwen Stefani sampled “The Lonely Goatherd” in her hit “Wind It Up” from her last studio album The Sweet Escape? There's so much to say. I wish I'd known I was writing this and I would have taken notes.

Buy "Wind It Up"

Christopher Plummer slays by the way, I'm slick obsessed with him. He was kind of hot in this movie in a protective kind of way. If your into being sheltered and cared for. It's good. He was the stereotypical dad knows best.

This movie is so family friendly, wholesome, entertainment. That's why the soundtrack sold so many copies. This movie is built on reprisals of quality songs sung by different people. It can be a little much. This movie is almost three hours long. Thank God we have learned to cut movies down. Watching this again was an experience.

This was the star vehicle for Julie Andrews. Queen of Genovia. Julie Andrews was already a star, but this was the movie that solidified it all. She was the young nun Maria. This replaced Gone With The Wind as the highest grossing movie of all time. This was a cultural revolution the way Glee was.

The one thing this movie reminded me of is how much I hate children. They were all kind of terrible. The only thing that really warmed my heart is that Liesl didn't end up with that Nazi. Praise. The only love we need is between the outspoken governess and the stern captain.

Boomer told me that he hadn't seen it after I told him I watched this with Rosencrantz and Te Amo. I told him. I'm not watching it again. I need some time to recover. It's good, but it's a marathon.

This movie could have just been a sweet romantic comedy and then you get the Nazi's involved. That is such a mess. It's terrifying actually. The first part of the movie is Julie Andrews and Christopher Plumber realizing they belong together and the the second part is the entire family escaping Austria with the help of Uncle Max and a few spry nuns.

My favorite character and most certainly the person I would be if I was in this movie would be the Baroness. She's evil. But, she's not too evil. The worst thing she does is tell Maria that the Captian is in love with her. The horror of it all. She's manipulative, but she knows when she's beat. I love it. I have respect for her.

The Baroness was played by Eleanor Parker, who deserves a separate Throwback Thursday herself. She was Hollywood glamour. I enjoy her performances. She died a few years ago at the age of 91. I really like her. She was beautiful, she was sensual.

Now what makes this movie so classic and iconic. That I don't have the answer to. What made Gaga's rendition of “The Sound of Music” the highlight of The Academy Awards. It wasn't just her sterling vocals. It was the fact that this movie has a soft spot in the hearts of the world. If you haven't seen it, you need to, it's a cultural landmark. Is it my favorite movie, no. But, you can't trust someone who doesn't like The Sound of Music.

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Grease Is The Word

7/1/2015

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There's nothing more iconic then Grease. It's one of those movies everyone has to see. There's not a single person who doesn't like this movie. You can't trust someone who doesn't like Grease. If they don't like this movie their obviously going through some mental issues that you don't have the time to help them work through.

This movie came out in the summer of 1978. Not only was the movie a smash, but it's soundtrack became the definitive Grease. It boasted the Frankie Valli led theme song “Grease”, two outings with Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta in the lead with “You're The One That I Want” and “Summer Nights”, along with the Olivia Newton John solo “Hopelessly Devoted To You”. It's no surprise that it went on to sell over 28 million copies worldwide.

I became a proud owner recently and I might I add that it was the best decision of my entire life. If you grew up with this movie in your life. You need the soundtrack. Anyone who decides to get rid of it should be hospitalized.

Of course I suffered through the movie again, so I could accurately throwback. Let's just start with that cartoon intro. I have a soft place for it in my heart. It's so cute and adorable. It's perfect actually. It invokes childhood and that's what this movie is for most of us.

I feel like the obsession that Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta had with one another was never really expressed well enough. Now don't get me wrong. John Travolta was kind of hot with that cigarette dangling out of his mouth. What happened to him. Neither of them aged particularly well, but Olivia is 66. She looks good, I just feel like John got his face pulled one too many times.

Rewatching this movie as an “adult” I caught so many things. Danny and Kenickie had there three friends. They acted a fool. They were basically the three stooges. All of the T-Birds acted out masculinity. Danny and Kenickie had that moment when they were like “I love you as a bro” and then they pretended to be chill. Because, real men don't have emotions or care about people. Whatever.

As a child I never caught that Rizzo was pregnant. Rizzo is honestly my favorite character. I understand and relate to her the most. She's a strong female. Who just kind of powers through with this strength. She's also queen bitch of the Pink Ladies and lord knows I need that jacket. My favorite song in the whole movie is “There Are Worse Things I Could Do”. She lists all these things that are terrible things, but the worst possible thing she can do is cry in front of Kenickie. I feel that on a spiritual level. There are plenty of boys that have made me cry, but I be damned if I'm going to cry in front of them.

The romance between Kenickie and Rizzo is also a lot closer to my heart. Kenickie is supposed to be this bad boy who has all this sex, but he lost his virginity to Rizzo. Do not be mistaken. When there in that car he says “it broke. I bought it in the 7th grade.” He's talking about a condom. He wanted to be cool. That's it. Rizzo decides it doesn't matter and they have sex.

When she gets pregnant and Kenickie finally finds out he wants to be there for her. Yes. He's excited when it turns out she isn't, but they're barely out of high school. That's not as douchey as it seems. I just love them. I love them so much.

This movie is problematic. There's no denying that. However, watching it with a critical eye I realize that Sandy wasn't the only one changing. Danny tried changing for her. Danny at his core was a good guy. It was all the posturing with the T-Birds that made him act like an ass. Whenever, he hurt Sandy's feelings it was to impress them.

The only time I don't see why he was so insistent was when they were in the drive in movie and he kind of forced himself on her. That seemed unnecessary. It's the kind of thing Danny Zuko was supposed to do and that's why I think he acted on it.

He also tried sports for Sandy. He decided to go prep for Sandy at the end, and then Olivia Newton-John came out in that sexy skin tight black patent leather and slayed the world with that hair. Sandy made the change so she could be with Danny, but I really feel it was something she was comfortable doing. The reason her ears weren't pierced was because of her father. She was a good girl.

Sandy's friends and the people she aligned herself with were the delinquents. I think this transition was for her. Now, that doesn't mean this isn't problematic, but it's the way it is. It's also ironic that they both tried to change for each other when the theme song of Grease literally says “we can be who we are”.

The dance was pivotal. Marty through herself at the older announcer. Rizzo slayed up and down that fucking gym floor in that red spotted dress. I just love Stockard Channing. Killed it. Of course Danny fucked up again when he let himself dance with Cha Cha, who as Frenchie put it was “the best dancer at St. Bernadette's with the worst reputation.” Cha Cha was hot, though. I blame Danny and I also don't blame him.

"Beauty School Dropout"

Frenchie is the only one who made it in Grease 2 (and no we're not talking about that train wreck). She turned her hair a lovely shade of pink. She was sweet and loveable. Frankie Avalon sang to her and told her not to become a beautician unless she wanted to style hookers. Which, really sounds like a lot of fun.

The car scene where they raced on thunder roadvmade my day. I teared up a little. It was amazing. My father cut the “Greased Lightening” scene out of the VHS tape. I guess he didn't want me seeing John Travolta gyrating in suggestive manners. He didn't want me to get the wrong idea.

The only other thing about this movie that I just adored was how short the boys shorts were. To have been alive in the racist homophobic era of the fifties would have been so much fun.

Someday I hope to also be dressed in skin tight leather. A cigarette in my hand. Cue the music and say “Tell me about it. Stud.” And crush the cigarette under my stiletto. Grease is life goals

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Hold Your Breath For Eight Years

6/17/2015

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On the 16th Hilary Duff released her fourth studio album Breathe In. Breathe Out. This is my millionth friendly reminder to buy it. We had to wait for eight years for this album. I am not waiting another eight years. What the actual fuck was that Hilary.

In commemoration of the album event of the year. I'm rehashing all her past albums and reliving my childhood. I feel like it doesn't count. But, the Lizzie McGuire Soundtrack. Every 19 year old has that album or has it had it at some point in their lives or at the very least has a working concept of it. I can't honestly sit here and tell you it's high quality recording. What I can tell you is that “Why Not” is still my shit and Taylor Dayne's cover of RuPaul's “Supermodel” is amazing.

Buy "Why Not"

The “Tide Is High” is also on there. We have all sang to that song with hairbrush in hand. That's the moment I realized me and Lizzie McGuire are the same person. I've also shouted out the lyrics to “You Make Me Feel Like A Star”. If your a late 90's kid this soundtrack is essential.

Her first album was Metamorphosis (or her Christmas album, but I'm not even going there). Please don't buy Metamorphosis. I love it, because it's my childhood Not, because it's quality recording. It's on the level of ...Baby One More Time and that was not the highlight of Britney's recording career. Highlight is definitely “Come Clean”

I have a friend and I love her to death, but she was morally offended by the fact that Hilary Duff named her album Metamorphosis. She was like no that's tied to Kafka, Hilary Duff can't just do that. I rolled my eyes. She's philosophical and I'm a pretty face. She probably had a point.

Buy "Come Clean"

We're skipping over the Cinderella Story Soundtrack. Mainly because I don't have it and secondly because “Our Lips Are Sealed” is not a quality Hilary Duff recording. Her second album was self titled. I think it's a little lengthy, but it gives a lot of good Avril Lavigne vibes. Some songs could have been cut, but I feel it in every part of my body. The personal stand out for me is “Weird”. But, I have and will rock out to “Fly”, “Shine” and even to the cliched lyrics of “Rock This World”. I have no shame.

Buy "Weird"

Then, she did a greatest hits. God, knows why. It was called Most Wanted. I got it a Salvation Army for one dollar. It was the greatest find of my life. None of the new recordings are worth mentioning. The only one I've listened to on repeat is “Break My Heart” and if it wasn't so applicable to my life I would never listen to it.

Buy "Break My Heart"

Fast forward three years from 2005 to 2008 and the newest Hilary Duff album is Dignity. This is the first album I ever bought. I can't judge it from a reasonable perspective. It's perfect. It's a five star album. It's what I compare every album I buy to. It's dance and sexy. “Gypsy Woman” is a fun song on the album. My niece and I can turn up to that song. My personal favorite is still going to have to be “Play With Fire”. It's been eight years and I can rap every word to that song flawlessly. It's kind of embarrassing.

Buy "Play With Fire"

What's actually embarrassing is how I got this album. I was a shy young child who did not understand the concept of the alphabet and I went up to a clerk and I asked if they had “Hilary Duff's Dignity”. They laughed. I wanted to die. I got the album and I listened to it every day for a month and every other day for three months. I know most of the words by memory and there is now wear on the CD from all the times I've played it.

There was another random greatest hits. See my Snapshot Saturday day I did on it's lead single “Reach Out” for my opinion. It's flawless for an unnecessary greatest hits.

Link to full article: Reach Out & Touch Me

Now here we are in 2015 and the newest installment is here with Breathe In. Breathe Out. I can't be subjective. Your just going to have give me a few months to read it or label it certified ten times platinum. Right now I'm gagging and in love. Get yourself a copy and enjoy your summer properly.

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The Feminist Manifesto

5/7/2015

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Picture it.

It's 3:00 in the morning, I've just woken up from when I crashed at 8:00 the night before and the first thing I think of is Legally Blonde. Specifically the part where Elle says to Warner, “I'm never going to be good enough for you am I?”

I needed that. There's someone who's been making me feel really shitty recently. I feel like I'm not good enough or that I'm just this prop that they use when they're bored. I was even going through my twitter feed and I saw something I said. It was something along the lines of 'never try to convince someone of how fabulous you are'. And, I don't know if that's what I was doing, but I really needed Elle Woods to make me realize. That I am never going to be good enough for this person and that they don't care about me.

After this realization the only thing to do was to watch the movie. I didn't actually get to it at 3:00 that morning, but I did get to it later that night. I sat down with a bowl of grapes and orange juice and said to myself this is the most perfect snack for a movie. Except not really.

Hopefully, you remember Legally Blonde. My generation might be more attached to it then others. Reese Whitherspoon is in the lead. Everyone loves it. There was a musical. A sequel we don't need to talk about. The premise is that a beautiful blonde goes to law school to win her boyfriend back. When it's laid out like that it doesn't sound quite as amazing as it is. I guarantee you need to watch it. Forewarning that I took notes while watching this movie and that there will be spoilers.

This is the movie that decided the sorority I wanted to join. I wanted to be a Delta Nu just like Elle Woods (Reese Whitherspoon) and Brooke Taylor-Windham. Even if Brooke did get liposuction. Those hopes and dreams were ruined when my school didn't have a Delta Nu chapter among other inconsequential problems.

Warner is Elle's horrible, but reasonably hot boyfriend. Who dumps her and leaves her for icky Vivian Kensington. Who despite being in need of some mascara is not deformed. My favorite part of Warner breaking up with Elle is all the reasons comes up with him for leaving her. “Are my boobs too big?” “Am I too blonde???”

Warner is an ass and thank God, Elle realizes that she will never take him back. That said she does force her way into Harvard Law to get back with him. The best part is the video she filmed for it. If you've seen the movie, you remember the part where she objects to someone objectifying her and she says “I feel comfortable using legal jargon in every day life.”

Some of this movie is questionable.

Elle's dog is definitely a fave. He is a chihuahua. He wears a suit and tie at one point. His name is Bruiser. Which if that is not ironic, I don't know what is. He's basically the equivalent of Paris Hilton's Tinker Bell, except with a more masculine name. That dog is everything.

The manicurist also makes the movie. She's played by Jennifer Coolidge who was also in A Cinderella Story (the one with Hilary Duff). She's so funny. This is also where the iconic “bend and snap” came into pop culture. There is literally nothing about this role I don't like.

There is also so much good cleavage game. Reese Whitherspoon kills it in that bunny suit. Ali Larter also nails her cleavage. Like god damn. Racquel Welch also makes an appearance and I don't particularly remember her cleavage, but Racquel has amazing cleavage so I'm sure it's probably in there at some point.

Elle also solves a law case. Proving that you can be both smart and beautiful. And, that they are not mutually exclusive. Never forget the wise insight that “happy people just don't shoot their husbands”.

Legally Blonde is really just my childhood and it came to me in a time of need. When I needed guidance. When I needed someone to point out to me that I was not feeling good about myself. Elle Woods spoke to me and I just understood. Elle becomes valedictorian at the end and she says “you must always have faith in yourself”. I forgot that. I'm awesome and I let someone make me feel like I wasn't. If you have a person like that. This is my wake up call to you. Drop them. Fuck them. They are not worth it. You are fucking awesome and you don't deserve to have to put up with someone who brings you down.

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Inanimate Objects Talking

1/29/2015

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Most great kids movies have inanimate talking objects. You know Toy Story, Beauty and the Beast, I'm sure there are other ones. But, that would require me doing research or thinking about my childhood. God forbid. Feel free to add onto my list if you would like.

Recently, I have been rediscovering Sheryl Crow. Not that I ever lost her, but I just wasn't listening to her regularly. Me, freshman/sophomore year of high school all I listened to was Sheryl Crow. I still freaked out when her last album came out. I went from school to the store to buy it. Feels Like Home is everything.

That is not the point, though. In the first Cars movie Sheryl Crow contributed a song to the soundtrack called “Real Gone”. It's like an updated “Steve McQueen” and it is everything. Still obsessed with this song. I actually have the Cars Soundtrack, because of that one song. It is so good. I realize my music taste is questionable, but I stand behind this song.

Buy "Real Gone"

If you don't remember or haven't seen Cars you are depriving yourself. There are talking cars. Larry the Cable Guy is the voice of one of the characters. Paul Newman stepped out of retirement for this movie. It's from Pixar. I'm sure there are good life lessons in it.

I saw this movie at midnight when I was like ten. I was visiting my father. He was living in a different city at the time. And, he promised me he was going to take me to see Cars. But, he got off of work really late. When he got home he took me to go see Cars. At the expensive theater mind you. That's how I know my father loves me, because he spends money on me.

It was just a really great night and it's probably why I love Cars as much as I do. I don't have a lot of great memories with my father, but this is one of those. It's a good memory I have of him. Of course we had to go see Cars 2 when it came out.

We did not see it at midnight. And, might I add it was not as good as the first one. However, there is the one part about the wasabi, and one of the characters thought it was ice cream or something like that. And, whenever my father is about to eat too much of something hot, because he is a man's man, I tell him wasabi. I think it's funny. It makes me laugh. Other people probably don't get it.

They are making a Cars 3, so of course we'll have to see that. Cars at this point is a generational movie when my little nephew lived with us. He watched Cars a lot. I mean on repeat. And, he specifically liked the opening sequence with the racing. I was fine with that, that's where they play Sheryl Crow's “Real Gone” and I would sing it at the top of my lungs. And, he probably thought I was really stupid, but that's okay.

My nephew was also exposed to Sheryl Crow. When his parents left, when my parents left. One day I told him I was going to educate him. He might have been two. But, I put on my five favorite Sheryl Crow albums and cleaned. I feel like I did him a great service.

Side note not to go out of your way to see Planes. It's like Cars except with planes. That race. It is a ridiculously bad movie and if they make another sequel I will go see it. So, there's that. I swear to god, though, if a sequel for Planes comes out before a sequel for The Incredibles Pixar will be getting some very nasty hate mail from me.

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How To Ruin The Holidays

1/15/2015

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Surprise of all surprises I have actually been reading over Christmas break. It is probably really hard to believe that I of all people actually enjoy reading. All I talk about is movies and boys and music. The fun stuff. During the semester I do not read anything. That is funny. Trying to maintain focus on The Odyssey and your trashy romance novel at the same time does not pan out.

Right before Christmas I started these two books by David Levithan. One is called Boy Meets Boy and the other is Two Boys Kissing. We are going to flashback and then go forward. It's actually all by accident that I read the books in the order that I did. I really wanted to read Two Boys Kissing first, but for some reason I chose to read Boys Meets Boy. I had both of the books with me, but I chose to read Boy Meets Boy first even though I wanted to read Two Boys Kissing. This may sound like extraneous information it is not.

Buy Boy Meets Boy

Now the reason I'm technically qualifying this as a Throwback Thursday is that Boy Meets Boy just recently had it's ten year anniversary. This was David Levithan's first novel and it's hardly the paramount of what gay literature should be. This book was protested, people tried to ban it, and honestly it's just a story of two boys falling in love.

It's an incredibly optimistic novel. It shows the world as how it should be instead of how it is. There's a nice mixture of representation in the gay community, you have the transgendered cheer leader, the boy coming to terms with his bisexuality, and of course the two main boys themselves.

There is however the contrast of Tony. He is the narrators best friend and his parents are very religious. Tony is saintly. He is almost a martyr. The author reveals that Tony is based off a the title character in a song called “Tony” by Patty Griffin. Tony kills himself in the song. David Levithan said that he wanted to rewrite Tony's story. The book is even dedicated to Tony.

Buy "Tony"

Boy Meets Boy is the happiest I've ever felt reading a book. It was only when it was over that I was depressed. I realized or I thought I realized that I would never be that happy. I would always be Tony. The boy who ends up killing himself, I would never be the lead character who's family loves them and supports them.

That is why I probably should not have read Two Boys Kissing next. Thank god that I did, but it was not really a strong game plan. Where Boy Meets Boy is this uplifting novel, Two Boys Kissing is realistic. David Levithan wrote this book almost ten years after Boy Meets Boy.

BuyTwo Boys Kissing

This novel is important. This novel should be a classic. I don't say that lightly. I am not kidding with you when I say that. This isn't an exaggeration. Two Boys Kissing is the most beautiful book I have ever read in my life. It's also one of the saddest.

The perspective David Levithan uses is very interesting. It tells the story of four groups of boys and it's observed by this omnipresent spirit. I know that sounds strange, I'm not phrasing it well, but this person acts like a chorus in the Greek classics. This unnamed character is gay and is advising and struggling with them.

Everything about this book is triggering if you are gay. I understood every single character. I understand that Craig and Harry want to show the world that it's okay to be gay. I can relate to Neil and Peter, even though I've never been in a relationship. Avery despite being transgendered is the most relate able character. He deals with body issues that even the most secure of us have. I hate to say that Cooper is the one I understood the most. The parents who didn't love, the parents who only realized they cared about him after he tried to kill himself.

I had to take breaks in this book. I finished it all on Christmas Eve. I sobbed. Multiple times, I broke down and cried. I set the book down. Took a break, put on Lady Gaga, and came back to it. Cried again. Sitting here right now there's a part of me that wants to cry. I finally finished it at four in the morning, Christmas day.

Now Boy Meets Boy already made me an emotional wreck. Two Boys Kissing just finished the pile up. I had no interest in spending time with my family. I apologize for all of my tweets. I was literally the Grinch. Christmas day I pretended I was asleep. When my mother finally made me wake up. She knew something was wrong. I wouldn't tell her. Why would I? It has been eight years. And no where in that time did I think telling my religious parents I was gay was a good idea.

So, I took a shower. I even had my outfit planned out. All black. A shirt my father had told me was very feminine. I was ready. Except I wasn't really. I was sobbing and crying in the shower. Note to everyone that a shower doesn't help get rid of your tears if you keep crying. I thought I would burn some calories that day. It did not happen.

My shower was about an hour long. In between curling up on the shower floor and trying to collect myself. I tried to make light of it. Ask myself why I was crying. Because, Legally Blonde was a really emotional movie. Or the very positive thought that crying worked the abdominal muscles. If it did I do not see any improvement.

What actually got me composed was Madonna. I just sang “Living For Love”. It was things like “I'm down on my knees alone in the dark/ I'm going to carry on/ I'm living for love/ I'm not giving up/ Love is going to lift me up”. Whenever anything's wrong it's Madonna or Sheryl Crow or Lady Gaga or anyone who tells me it's okay. Madonna will never know how much I needed he

Buy "Living For Love"

Finally. After an hour, I am composed. I traipse down the stairs, I am steel. I am the bitch I've always trained myself to be. I come down with my parents presents in hand. They continue to ask me what's wrong. I ignore them. I had been strong for eight years and Lord knows I could be strong for another four.

I tell them that I was only here to open Christmas presents. They don't open anything I bought them. I bring in a few of the presents and open them. I'm trying so hard not to think, not to break down and cry. I'm unnecessarily callous. My mother starts crying.

I really don't have any sympathy for her. My father tells me I need to get out. That I have ruined Christmas. Of course I have. I've spent no time with my family on a family holiday. I have no interest in talking to them. I am over it. Still, I'm a dramatic cunt and I told them Merry Christmas.

There are a lot things that I've experienced with my father. I know when I make him angry that he throws the money he spends on me against me. Sorry, you decided to have a child. I know he swears, but that day I thought he was going to hit me. I don't what held him back. Thinking about the concept of your parents hitting you, you shiver a little bit. I was so dead inside that I wasn't afraid if he hit me. If anything I would have known how to respond to that. There are a lot of ways I've imagined telling my parents that “by the way I'm a homosexual” and no matter how I did it. The reaction is always the same. Without even telling them I was gay, I managed to get exactly the reaction I always expected.

I stood there and listened to him call me a son of a bitch and a bastard. He threw around fuck for good measure and when he was done. I walked upstairs. I shut my door and listened to “Living For Love”. The Jenny Lewis song “Head Underwater” and then my parents left. They had a Christmas party to go to. One I had opted out of, because it sounded god awful. A bunch of middle aged, religious republicans. Choke me with a cashmere scarf already.

Buy "Head Underwater"

What was weird is that when my parents were leaving they were having the most normal conversation. They were talking about the weather. What the actual fuck parents. What the fuck.

I finally hear them leave and I do what I always do when I'm depressed. I put on some dance music. I have never listened to my music quite as loud as I did to Britney Spears “Hold It Against Me”. It was also the most ugly thing to see me when the Madonna song “Holiday” came on. I was crying and dancing and wailing the lyrics.

Buy "Holiday"

Buy "Hold It Against Me"

You know I question why I'm alone, but I really do understand. I'm a train wreck.

Everyone needs a break from dancing at some point, and I am just casually sitting there eating a bagel when the garage door opens. I did not expect my parents to be home so soon. I shut the music off and calmly run up the stairs. My bagels still sitting there on the table.

When my father comes into my room. I really think he's about to yell at me about the bagel. Immediately, I apologize. He sits down next to me and he asks me what is wrong. Now he might have forgotten all the yelling that happened a few hours ago. But, I hadn't. Every time I imagined telling my parents that I liked boys. The way he reacted was how I imagined it. I was not going to talk to him.

He does apologize. But, he asks me what's wrong. I am not telling him. At this point I'm crying. Giving him a few word responses. I tell him everything that every child who has had to come out to there parents tell them “you'll be disappointed in me”, “you won't love me anymore”. And, he asks me if I want him to guess what it is.
I nod and he says it very calmly “Is it that you're gay?”

Lord knows I have dropped more then a few hints along the way. My hair has been 50 Shades of Purple, I can barely walk in my skinny jeans, my unnatural obsession with Madonna, but more importantly whenever they ask me about girls there never is one. I have never once told them about a girl liked, because there has never been one.

This is what I really needed to hear. And, he holds me. I can't tell you how badly I've needed someone to just hold me and let me cry. Just to let me not say anything and cry. How can you explain that to someone. Just hold still, I'm going to start crying on your shoulder, and I'm not going to explain anything to you after wards.

There was some talking as there needed to be and we went on with our Christmas. We salvaged it if you want to say that. Isn't that just like me. Merry Christmas parents, I'm gay. Could I have been more dramatic. Like come on.

My mother and I don't talk about it. We go out to dinner. Forgive that poor waiter who was working on Christmas, I am sorry. Then, we saw Into the Woods. The gayest movie at the box office next to Annie. Can we just talk about how good Chris Pine and Billy Magnussen looked in this movie. That was a Christmas miracle. For the first time I was sitting next to my parents, completely enraptured by these two beautiful men, and if I told them, it wouldn't have surprised them at all.

At home. We played a boardgame. I won. I came upstairs to blog when I realized I hadn't talked to my mother. I hadn't said to her. I'm gay. I like boys and a good dick in the morning. Of course you would never tell you parents that in that exact phrasing.

So, I trek my way from the comfort of my bedroom. I say to her is there anything you want to talk about? She says no.

She asks me if there's anything I want to talk about. I want to know how much she wants to know. If I'm dating someone, if there's a boy I like (The answer is no on both counts).

We talk for a few hours. My mother was in denial. She reiterated that it was a sin and a choice I was making, but that I was an adult and that she still loved me. I nod and just listen. Now is not the time to say no one would ever choose to be gay. No one choose to have people hate you for no reason. If I could be straight, things would be a lot easier. And, I have read the Bible, but apologies to any religious reader out there. Some things in the Bible are fucked up.

When I finally realized that I was gay. Of course I didn't want to go to hell. I read the entire bible. I found the bible verses against homosexuality, but I also read some other things. The bible is interesting to say the least. I encourage you to really read it and not just go to church. Because I think so differently about it now.

What I found out and what I always knew. Is that neither of my parents are really okay with me being gay. My father thinks he can work me through this as does my mother. But, my mother doesn't want to know anything. Never once in our talk did she say I was gay. My mother physically cannot say “My son is gay.” It was hard for me to say it. I have to understand that.

But, I think we're okay. And, some day they will understand that I'm born this way. That I didn't make a choice. It wasn't anything they did. Right now that's what's killing me. They think they did something wrong. You did nothing wrong. The fact that they think they did something wrong is exactly how they feel about me. There's something wrong with me.

I've come to realize that there were different levels of acceptance represented in Two Boys Kissing. I'm no longer Cooper. I'm no longer the person who wants to kill themselves, because there parents hate them. I'm Ryan. Working on it one step at a time and someday I'll have that love that Peter and Neil have. Someday that will happen.

I am not advocating coming out to your parents or your family. I feel so much better having it out in the open, but I also understand. I understand looking at your car and wondering if you're ever going to have to sleep in it, because your parents kicked you out. When people tell you it gets better, that coming out is the best thing they ever did. They're right, but there's always the possibility that it's worst thing that ever happens to you. I understand if you're afraid. My father had to do it for me.

Know that someone cares. That someone is me and every other gay out there, because we all understand. I don't need to meet you to know that I care about your struggle. We understand. I don't want you to think about your killing yourself like I have. I want you to know that someone cares. I don't need to like you to care about you. Everyone deserves to be happy and you will be. Just hold on. You can do it. I care about you and I love you just the way you are. It was RuPaul who told me that first.

It shouldn't take Kesha and Lady Gaga to tell us that it's okay for us to be who we are. It shouldn't be books or television that tells us we're fine. But, I'm so glad that they are here. Because, we need them. We really need them.

You will survive. You will be a better person. You will make it. I know you can. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me whenever you need me. All of that information is at the top of the page.

If you are struggling with religious family members. Tony said something very wise in Boy Meets Boy that might help. He said that they were just trying to save him, to do the best they could for him. Your family is wrong for trying to change you, for not realizing that you are fucking perfect. It is however stemming from a place of love. They don't want you to go to hell. And, as awful as they treat you and as they make you feel. They want what's best for you in some sick twisted way.

Most importantly, stay safe. Be who you are, but be safe. That's something everyone deserves.

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The Cover Of A Playboy Magazine

Something Borrowed, Something Blue, & Something To Read

Video Games Are Art

Bling Ring Famous

The Hills Are Alive!

Grease Is The Word

Hold Your Breath For Eight Years

The Feminist Manifesto

Inanimate Objects Talking

How To Ruin The Holidays

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