Category: American

Whips And Chains

2/2/2015

In 12 days, it will be Valentines Day. But, more importantly 50 Shades of Grey is coming out. I cannot lie to anyone and tell them I am not going to see it the day it comes out. It's actually going to be out on the 13th but that's beside the point. We're going to see it on Valentines Day.

I have no idea who I'm going to take to see it with me. I cannot go to see it alone. I don't go see movies alone. It's just awkward uncomfortable.

Now hopefully you have not been living under a rock, and you understand the concept of 50 Shades of Grey. It's the Basic Instinct of the 21st century. I am ready. It's basically going to be really classy porn with a plot. I can stand behind that. I'm ready.

If we're being really honest I have never read the books. I implied that I read them, but I didn't. I read some really trashy books with some good sex scenes, but spending more then ten dollars on a book with some hardcore BDSM is not for me.

I am here for those less then a dollar, free kindle books. There is one series you all need to read called Big Girls Do It Better. Slay me. The whole series was free when I downloaded it and I loved it. It is a little sad, but it's like empowering. One that I read was kinky as fuck. It was called Stripped, Paddled, and Bound and it was about college hazing. That book was rough, but the cover is everything.

The only problem with only downloading smut onto your kindle is that you can't trust the recommendations. I was not really in the mood for those creative ways of describing the vagina. So, I was like sure let me read Taken by the Vikings. I'm sure it's some good action story.

It was not. It was about this boy who was captured by the vikings and turned into a sex slave. Oh, my god it is so nasty and so good. Can't favorite that book enough. And, there are sequels. It's just my idea of a good time. I just enjoy pointless sex stories. Most of them are so awkward and funny. They're great. If you ever need a recommendation, I am here for you.

Of course the real reason we're seeing 50 Shades of Grey is for all the eye candy. Dakota Johnson will be playing the lead and I'm not necessarily here for it. She's pretty, but is she who I want to see tied up and submissive. Maybe not.

Originally, Mr. Grey was going to be played by Charlie Hunman. He is not a boy I would turn down at the club. Let's be real, but he wasn't the sex symbol. I am much more here for his replacement Jamie Dornan. This man may not be ideal, but he can take my body. He can tie me up and whip me with a spatula any day of the week. Can I get an amen.

The Original Mr. Grey

His Replacement

Like, everything about this movie will be perfect. The soundtrack is something we're all going to buy. You need to hear the Weeknd's “Earned It”. He's the boy who dueted with Ariana Grande on “Love Me Harder”. It's luscious. That's what this song it.

Buy "Earned It"

And, if you have not heard Beyonce's new rendition of “Crazy In Love” for this movie, I am disappointed in you. Because, that means you haven't watched the trailer. What is your life.

Rita Ora is also going to be in this movie if that interests you. I don't know her role. I don't really care. Rita Ora has not proven herself to be relevant to American culture, yet. Who knows this movie could be the turning point and she is sexy.

Judge away. I'm going to see it. I am so ready for Valentines Day. I may be alone and single. But, I will have 50 Shades of Grey and new Madonna music to keep me company.

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Wickydkewl

12/22/2014

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I do not know who the fuck came up with his channel name. What does 'wickydkewl' even mean. This could very well have been explained at one point, but I am not a hardcore fan that way. I just found out about him recently. Actually, it was not quite recently at all. This was in November. The night of the American Music Awards. In between commercial breaks I was on tumblr, twitter, social media. I was super obnoxious as usual.

When, I am scrolling down tumblr and see this very attractive man. Of course I watch the video to find out that he is very gay. If you're a youtuber you either have to be a heterosexual female or gay. There go my plans to have children with this man.

By the way I'm talking about Davey Wavey. Is that his real name. That cannot be his real name. As you can tell I did not really do my research on him. I was however enraptured with his video and after Jennifer Lopez and Iggy stopped shaking on the AMA's, I got sucked into the dark hole of YouTube and slick watched his videos for an hour, before remembering I actually have to go school.

I definitely appreciate his videos or his pretty amazing pectorals. If that's what you call them. He also has very nice nipples. I for one am fine just watching the videos where he doesn't have his shirt on. That is basically every single video. I am so here for it.

He is definitely straight forward and to the point. He does not beat around the bush. I am also fairly sure he only thinks gay men watch his videos. Scrolling through the list of his videos you stumble upon “How to Measure Your Penis”, “Don't Give Handjobs” and a collaborative effort with Tyler Oakley “25 Ways To Know You're Gay”.

The first one is also not as bad as I expected. Yes, I watched it. I am a filthy whore, you know this, we are moving on. It was the funniest thing. Also, they don't actually measure anything. It basically is what the size your penis should be on the internet. It was insane. Side note that the guy with him is a porn star. I think. Like Davey Wavey didn't directly say it, but he has an inappropriate number of porn star friends. That is not normal. Where do you just randomly get porn star friends. At your local Starbucks? Honestly.

To be fair if you are into tattoos, this porn star is definitely attractive, and being the slut that I am, I am definitely here for it.

Also, everyone on tumblr who reblogs pictures of that person who I think is a porn star. I know your dirty secret, you filthy sluts. Keep on reblogging your shirtless men pictures, that you act like are supermodels when in fact they are porn stars. I have found your secret.

The video he did with Tyler Oakley is legit hysterical, but it's Tyler Oakley. Flawless, tie dye colored hair, God. I just kind of love Davey Wavey, because I feel like he's a more attractive, muscle bound, version of me if I was a youtuber.

Some of his videos do scare me and I have not watched them. “The Lube Challenge”. I do not think so. I do have some very low standards, but they are there.

I realize I am basic and you all probably already knew about this YouTube channel, but you also know me, and you know that I never know about these things. I just think he's pretty fantastic and attractive. The last one might really be the deciding factor. Also he did one of his first YouTube video, because he found his hot neighbor masturbating. Is that not something I would write about?

Subscribe to Davey Wavey

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The November Supposition

10/28/2014

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The last Media Monday article I did on music coming out went horribly wrong. It was supposed to let you know what was coming out in October. Almost all of it was wrong. Hilary Duff has postponed her album. Charli XCX moved the Sucker release date to December. The Tings Tings moved the release date of Super Critical to October 28th instead of the 20th like I reported.

About the only one who didn't totally go off the wall was Tinashe. She released Aquarius as expected. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Thunder and I listened to it on the way to school and we weren't that impressed. Then, we were like, maybe. We like it. I really like the concept of the album, even though I can't figure out what it is. I think it's sort of about the rebirthing effect of water. But, I don't know. Do not quote me.

As far as it goes. The same people who weren't announcing their album release dates are still in play. I don't think Carrie Underwood's greatest hits is coming out in November. I didn't check. It's a greatest hits. Calm down. Who knows. We could get music from Bonnie McKee and Azaelia Banks. Both of them have put off releasing their albums for a good bit of time now. Bonnie McKee's was supposed to be out near the end of 2013, but after the little impact “American Girl” made was postponed. I swear I thought Azaelia Banks had a release date for her album. Broke With Expensive Taste yet again has an undetermined release date.

At the moment there are only three scheduled albums I'm excited about.

Bette Midler.

You know my love for Bette. She is the Divine Miss M. I love her. She is part of my childhood. My first Throwback Thursday article for my own blog was on her. When I wrote it this year I mentioned that there were rumors she had an album in the works. It has emerged. It will be an all covers album.

No surprise. This is Bette Midler. The woman runs on covers. I'm ready. The concept is that it's an all girl-group album (hence, It's The Girls!). She has some great songs lined up. “You Can't Hurry Love” “Waterfalls” (Yes, the TLC song), “Tell Him”, “Mr. Sandman”. I'm excited.

This is a very traditional pop album. If you like electronic bleeps or some hard guitar strumming. This is not for you. If you want that guitar, may I suggest one of the many scheduled releases by Nickleback, Pink Floyd, Monster Magnet, R.E.M., Machine Head. You will find someone.

Bette's album will be out November 4th in the United States and the 17th in the United Kingdom.

Pre-Order It's The Girls!

This does surprise me. I was not here for the Jonas Brothers as a child. I had no interest in Nick Jonas. None. Then, I heard “Jealous”. He slayed me. And, I don't want to be that person, but that body. That is a legitimate reason I am buying this album on the 11th.

That and the music is so good and R&B sort of. I just love him and his body. You should also check out his song “Chains” if “Jealous” did not convince you to buy this album the moment it comes out. I am ready for it. I like grown up Nick. The only thing I am not for sure on is that there is supposed to be a Demi Lovato duet on this album. And, I do not like her. I shamelessly jam out to “Neon Lights” and “Really Don't Care” on the radio, but I do not like her. I don't even know how to spell her name. She is irrelevant. Nick could hire a different. Better Disney star.

Hilary Duff.

To sing instead and I think that would slay. So, Nick get on that. I know the album will be out in a few weeks, but she will find the time to slay with you. I believe she has that power.

Pre-Order Nick Jonas

The final album of the month we all will be buying is Nicki Minaj's The Pinkprint on the 24th. I do not need to explain to you why you should buy this album. Have you heard “Pills N Potions” and “Anaconda”?.

But, these are my reservations. The album will kill it. I know it will. However, the name worries me. She is setting the bar very high for herself. You all may not be rap fans. I wouldn't call myself a rap fan, but I know about this. It was monumental. Jay-Z's Blueprint. I know she is a big fan. I'm just worried that critics will be expecting Blueprint quality music and if they don't get it. How will that hurt the album.

Nicki has also never had an album not hit number on the albums chart. The week The Pinkprint is being released is the week Eminem is dropping an album. Eminem sells like crazy every time he releases something. Nicki will need to be selling about 800,000 copies of this album in a week to beat the kind of sales Eminem can bring. This is also the week that Rihanna is rumored to be dropping R8.

Rihanna and Nicki share the same fanbase. These people will have to choose if they are poor like me, what they are going to buy. Who will they pick. I don't have to answer this question, because I will rob a bank to own both of these albums. However, other people will have to choose. I just don't see Nicki Minaj getting that number one album.

And, as long as she is okay with that. I guess it doesn't matter. I also hope she plans on dropping another buzz single before the album. No one will buy this album, because of “Anaconda”. America is over that song.

That is something Charli XCX does not understand. She's all like, I don't want people buying Sucker to expect 13 “Boom Clap”. What she does not get. Is that she is banking on “Break The Rules” to be that hit that will drive Sucker's sales in December. “Break The Rules” may never chart. Then, she has lost the chance to make that money off this album. She is also being a dumb bitch releasing it in the middle of December. Europe does not buy music like that in the middle of December. The end of October was a much better moment to release it.

Something, Kiesza understands when she released Sound of a Woman last week. Drop that album when people are willing to buy that album.

That should be your month in music. Here are some other albums you might want to check out.

Other Major Albums Out in November:
No Fixed Address Nickleback, November 4th
The Endless River Pink Floyd, November 7th
Four One Direction, November 17th
Coming Home Kristin Chenoweth, November 18th
The Gold Album: 18th Dynasty Tyga, November 18th
Shady XV Eminem, November 24th

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Bitch, She's Madonna

10/15/2014

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For people not invested in the process of Madonna's new studio album. It is a lot of information to keep up with. Collaborators, tracklists, instagram pictures. That is why I will try to summarize the event that is sure to hit us in year 2015.

For over a year now Madonna has been teasing us with the release of her 13th studio album. It's been a cruel process to the fans. At the start of this year, I thought there was a strong possibility that we could have a new album that summer, maybe later that year. Well, it is no longer later this year. It will be 2015. No release date within 2015, but I think the album is close to done.

From the collaborators swirling around in the studio, this album should be EDM inspired. We have Avicii, Diplo, Disclosure, Natalia Kills, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, Alicia Keys all as possibilities.

Avicii is for all intensive purposes confirmed as a collaborator. I do not approve. Although, it doesn't surprise me that Madonna likes him. His music is derivative of her American Life album. His lack of originality and his critical acclaim bother me as Madonna's similar work was derided by the critics. However. I have chosen to accept him as the Queen has graced him with her presence.

Diplo is confirmed. Diplo is just a producer. You probably know some of his work. He's the man behind “Paper Planes”, “Look At Me Now” and “Too Close”. He has guaranteed us that there are three certified smashes from the album with his name attached to it. Now when I listed those three songs earlier and said this is what you should know him for. That is literally all you will know him for. He's worked with other big names, but those are the hits he's attached to. Three.

So, he wants to tell us he's co-written three hits with Madonna when he has only produced three hits in his entire career? I don't think so, bitch. He is also the only one talking about Madonna's new album with anyone. I'm sorry Guy O'Seary her manager isn't talking. What makes you think your special. Oh, right the same person who couldn't make it to Madonna's Academy Awards Party. What is your life sir. This music better be the shit, because you are rude. And, if anything goes wrong I will not be blaming Madonna.

Now Disclosure is interesting. They're a relatively new production team. I don't particularly care for the Sam Smith fronted “Latch”, still with the right backing vocals (*cough* *cough* Madonna) I'm interested. They said recently to Billboard that they are not working with Madonna, but they would “consider it”. Everyone would consider it. Are you being shady, Disclosure. Are there plans to work with Madonna that you are respectfully choosing not to inform us of. That is my question. I think they are definitely possibilities. I expect to see collaborations from them on her new album.

This brings us to a very interesting point. Natalia Kills, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, and Alicia Keys have been linked to this album. The question is are they appearing on the album as songwriters or featured artists?

Madonna with Natalia Kills

Madonna with Nicki Minaj

Madonna with Miley Cyrus on MTV

Madonna with daughter Lourdes and Alicia Keys

Natalia Kills I am very up in the air about. She is a wise move for Madonna to team up with. Natalia has that underground pop vibe that could lure the hipsters into looking into a Madonna record. I think a duet or just some backing vocals from Natalia Kills would be great for the album.

The same goes for Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj, and Alicia Keys. I like what they bring to the table. Katy Perry has been rumored to have been collaborating with her since their S&M themed V cover shoot last Labor Day. Miley Cyrus's twerking “We Can't Stop/Don't Tell Me” mash up with Madonna this year shows it as a possibility. And, I think it would be a great move. Both Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus draw from different sectors of the pop market. It is too bad that the Queen couldn't have gotten Katy during her Teenage Dream phase. Everything Katy was touching turned multi-platinum, but she will still be useful to her.

Nicki and Alicia are collaborators. No question. Who knows what song Alicia Keys will be featured on. This is a rather new announcement made through Madonna. Personally. I'm shocked Nicki is back in the studio with Madonna. I love it. It will be great. Madonna almost never collaborates twice with someone. William Orbit and the producers of her earlier records being the major exceptions.

What's great about all these women is that they all draw from different sectors of the pop market. This new album will be big. It will catapult Madonna to the upper echelons.

Word has it that Nicki Minaj is doing a rap verse for a song, tentatively titled “Bitch, I'm Madonna”. I hope this song exists. However, in the way of star power. A “Bang, Bang” style trio would be fantastic. Imagine.

Lead single.

Titled, either “Messiah”, “Living For Love”, “Rebel Heart”, “Sorry Not Sorry” or “Unapologetic Bitch”. I repeat. “Unapologetic Bitch”

Featuring: Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus.

Yes. Do you feel it. Can you imagine. Shaking at the thought of it. Also in case you weren't aware all of those song titles I threw out there are popular tags Madonna has been adding to her twitter and instagram. Conversely all of those tags could be the title for her new album.

It saddens me that the album won't be out this year, but I think it's a good thing for its sales. Madonna is a legend. Legend status doesn't get you on the radio. If anything it's a barrier to get on the radio. Madonna does not need to be fighting the Rihanna's for radio play this holiday season. When the music industry has slowed back down, she should strike. For all intensive purposes, though I think the album is done.

A “source” stated that if the album was done there would be sales sheets and other proof it was coming out this year. They said she would have a cohesive plans for music videos and the “look”. Now if anyone does follow her on instagram. Madonna has the look down. She's settled on what this album is. It's just not going to drop. Anyone who suggests that Madonna will drop an album like Beyonce did last year is blindly mistaken. This is Madonna bitch. She is not going to copy someone that shamelessly.

The earliest I feel we can hope for any music from this new untitled set is December. An album release in February at the earliest. The first public performance of a lead single at Dick Clark's New Year's Rocking Eve. I would push that forward to the Grammy's in February. Leaving the album to a release date in March or April of 2015.

Once, she has a large public performance of her single she can drop the album and go on tour. Drop it like MDNA and link ticket sales to the album. She doesn't need to prove herself anymore and she certainly doesn't need a song on the radio.

At this point it's more a point of pride. If however she's going to get on the radio. We need better promotion then what we got for MDNA. And, a better lead single. I love “Give Me All Your Luvin'”, but “Girl Gone Wild” was a better choice. Especially if all America was going to hear of the new album at the Superbowl was that song.

If all these collaborations pan out with featured singers it should be interesting. Madonna has never been a major collaborator on her albums or in general. When she did “Me Against The Music” with Britney Spears she was using her. Just like she used Justin Timberlake, Nicki Minaj, and M.I.A. It's to endear her to a younger fan base. To prove that she's cool still. It's a strong plan. Even, if she doesn't need to prove it.

Whatever happens with this record I want it to sell well. At least a million copies in the United States. We need to get it certified platinum and stop these haters from saying she's “under performing”. Being certified any type of sales record means you didn't under perform. If we have to, Madonna fans we will buy two copies of this album to hit that platinum mark. We will gift it to someone for Christmas or there birthday or just because.

Everyone needs one Madonna album. It's practically a civic duty for us to give it to them. Stay unapologetic bitches.

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Whips And Chains

Wickydkewl

The November Supposition

Bitch, She's Madonna

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